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There were many times I was touched inappropriately and many other times I just had to sit there and take it. Pretransition, I had my puberty very early so my breasts developed faster and bigger than others. This caused adults to treat me like a teenager when I was just turning ten for one. On top of that, older men would ogle me at the mall. I remember a particular occasion in class where a male student want to 'play a game' we were basically slapping each other for fun with our folders until his hand slipped between my legs. Thankfully the counselor was there after but it was the first time I laughed off something so horrible; I had no idea how much it would affect me later. Another time an older female student slapped my butt in daycare. I was actually uncomfortable here but it happened so fast I just laughed as I tried to get away from her. She chased me and kept hitting me until my mom walked in. I just knew way too much about sex at that age and nothing about consent. I was also exposed to pornography at the same time and a friend was too. Neither of us realized the ramifications of it and we both ended up worse for it. It took forever to get to a place where either of us had boundaries and while she's fine with crass sexual jokes they would actively trigger me because of my experiences. I assumed she would be third in line to sexually abuse me so I would act overly submissive to her to keep her placated. It was only in my twenties that we discussed how it made us feel. That protective attitude drove us apart and it's still taking effort to reconnect. I just wish I didn't have to say this anonymously because the amount of people who go through nothing at all that call you the pedophile for remembering what happened to you is horrible to me. The way people casually throw around Epstein, P Diddy and other sexual abusers for fun just makes me want to shut my mouth more. Because child sexual abuse is a joke to these people. I want to change that so nobody ends up like me, still dealing with shame, hypersexuality and mental breakdowns.

When I look in the mirror I see a girl who grew up to fast, who wishes she could get back the past. After all the trauma,abuse, and neglect, It's time to sit back and reflect. As the tears roll down my cheeks my throat starts to burn, I knew what was about to burst. It's like your innocence is a piece of string you never know when someone might take it from you

i never wanted to believe that my boyfriend of all people, would do this to me. i wished so hard that it didnt happen and that it wasnt true-that i had forgot about it. my brain completely blanked it when i needed it too. except, now-as its been about two years since and just under a year and half since ive been free of him-i feel its too late. too late to report, too late to speak, too late to admit. my life has completely changed since covid began. since my relationship ended and the memories started piecing themselves together. the story is beginning to fit and my chest is about to explode with the desperate need to speak my story. you see, i was maybe 18 and with someone who i thought loved me. i was so desperate to be loved, to be seen, that i stayed for three years. now looking back, i feel disgust and ashamed and embarrassed that i allowed him to treat me like that. the day i remembered, i went completely a-wall. i was a mess. all i could think about was the white sheets my face were stuffed in, the corner of his room, how he went emotionless and stopped talking. he changed so quickly in that moment, a fear so deep within me was provoked. i tried to fight back, i trued to push him off, to tell him no. i told him he was hurting me. i remember looking back, seeing how blank his face was as if an alter ego took over, he wasnt there at that moment. something snapped in him that ive never really seen in that way before. i remember how when i pushed up to fight him off, he grabbed my hips and the back of my neck. he shoved me face down, pinning me on top of my arms. he held me like that the entire time, pinning me down by the back of my neck. i never feared for my life more than within that moment. i tried saying no, i tried fighting back and his out of reality state of mind ignored me and pinned me down to his bed. i remember giving up, freezing and going silent other than the whimpers of pain. i remember crying, praying that he wasnt going to kill me. he finished, walking away without a look back at me. “clean yourself up.” he said, leaving me alone in his downstairs room, to go talk to his parents who had called for him upstairs. i remember i stumbled to his bathroom, my pants still around my ankles. i remember i couldnt stop crying, i kept thinking “this didnt just happen, what just happened?” i remember sobbing as i cleaned myself up. my body felt different, gross, repulsed, invaded. i felt violated in every way but i was so convinced it didnt happen that i wasnt sure why. by the time i left the bathroom, he was there, asking why i was crying. i didnt know what to say, so i shrugged. later that night, we had a conversation. i told him how i felt used, how different it felt that time, how i felt like a sex toy. he proceeded to beg me and plead about how he “doesnt want to feel like i raped you”. i remember crying. i remember thinking, “he’s my boyfriend he couldnt possibly.” but he was my boyfriend, and he most definitely did.

I should have known what he was interested in when he kept asking me if I was really 18. It was around a time I had lost many friends and felt alone. He asked me on a date that ended in a park. I told him "no" many, many times. We had kissed but that was all I wanted. He proceeded to rape me and laughed at me when I panicked. I ended up freezing and after a cop pulled up because it was night and the park was closed. He laughed and asked me if I would tell everyone that he raped me. I didn't tell anyone for a long time because I was ashamed. I froze instead of fighting and I saw him again after that night. I learned later I was just trying to take control, I thought I must have been wrong about what happened. After the second time I saw him I found out he had a bet with a coworker about who could sleep with me or one of my coworkers first. I guess he won. It took me a long time to accept what happened wasn't my fault and that seeing him again was a means of coping or trying to comprehend the trauma. I wish I had sought help. It's been 12 years and I feel I've dissociated from the experience, but sometimes it comes back to me. I wish for every survivor out there to know it is not your fault no matter what reaction you had. You are worthy, you are valuable, and you matter. Don't let anyone take away your voice.

A year ago, I broke up with a guy that I thought he was the one. We have a 3 years of relationship, I was his first love. Everything seem amazing at first, although I have trust issue, he eventually gain trust from me. I’m madly in love with him. However, in the 6-7months of relationship, we start fighting and arguing. He say that I’m too emotional and he is a logical thinking person. He say that my negativity was toxic and that emotion don’t worth to exist. He told me that I need to change so that our relationship can be better. I cried every times we fighting, I don’t know since when he start feel that I am annoying , he told me that he was tired of seeing me crying. “When you stop crying, we will talk. If you can not makes my life better, please don’t be my burden”- that was he told me. From there, I start hiding my feelings, because every time I show that I’m sad or overthinking, he will always say that I’m too sensitive, he also say that If I’m not that sensitive, we will never fight. Every time we have an argument, despite I have apologize first, he still angry and say hurtful word toward me. Its all my fault, I feel that I’m never good enough to please him, although I try a lot. I’m tired but I just can not break up with him. I thought that If I try more, maybe things will get better, maybe I could change him. Because of that thought, I’m stay in the relationship. But things never get better, he start lying, that’s make all my trust falling apart. Every time we talk about that girl, my stomach hurt and I will vomit (not until now that I understand that was anxiety) He text another girl sneaky, when I found out. He told me that I’m a control freak and I’m too jealous. Again, I apologize him. But this never stop there, more lies, more fight and we all tired. We can not solve the problem but just let it pass and pretend that we all good. In the third year of relationship, I go study abroad. Actually we have prepared for this, he told me that I have to believe in long-distance. We are different and we gonna make it. But when I go to Japan just 3 weeks, we have a big fight because I’m jealous and sign in his social media to check. Then he broke up with me. The reason is he want both of us can develop better. I don’t understand the reason, I beg him to stay. But he did not stay. After a month, he text me and say that he is in love with another girl, he told me to forget about him. I cried a lot because I don’t think that he can be this toxic. But then I met another guy, he change me. He make me realize my worth, I start learn about healing, he always there supporting me. Until now, I still have my broken part that unhealed. I sometimes thinking of the past and scare but I understand that healing is not easy. Some days you’re okay and you’re doing just fine. Other days it still hurts like it’s fresh. But it’s okay. After a year, now a look back, I realize that I was being gaslighting by him. I have anxiety, my trust issue get worse, I’m a people pleaser. Despite all of that, I’m still here try to heal myself from all of that wounds. I just want to say thank you for all of things that I have been through, so now I can start my healing journey, to understand my inner child, my shadow self. I believe in the Universe, I know that I’m enough.

I was 5 years old when I had first moved to Texas, I had to move in with family until my mom and I got back on our feet financially. My cousin, Name, started molesting and abusing me. I remember everything but don't want to write all of it but I will write the one thing he did that has ruined my life completely. When I was 11 years old, he had analy raped me, he then left me alone and the day after told me he would kill me if I ever said anything.

A little over A number of years ago, when I was 19, I ended a numbermonth relationship with a man I had met in college. We had met during orientation, and he pursued me romantically very quickly. I was so delighted to be finally seen; I had never been in a relationship and no one had ever been interested in me before. Things moved very quickly, and in hindsight, it should have been a sign of what was to come. He kissed me suddenly one day when we hugged and I didn't turn him down. He was very pushy to progress things along faster than I felt ready for, but I convinced myself that I should be ready. Naively, I agreed to be in a relationship with him a week after meeting. Within a month, our relationship had become more sexual. He had forced his way to take my virginity when I just wanted some foreplay, but again, I didn't object and soothed myself that at least I didn't have a one-night-stand. Two months later, he wanted me to go on birth control when a condom and emergency contraception failed and I had an early miscarriage. He was particularly interested in me getting an implant. I didn't think it was a bad idea, as I didn't want to get pregnant again. Unfortunately, this enabled him to abuse me even more. The relationship turned violent as well as sexually abusive, and he wore me down psychologically, saying I was a terrible girlfriend and pointing out everything I was insecure about. He was very suspicious of my friendships with my male classmates (I was one of four women in a class of 40, I hadn't much choice) and accused me of emotional cheating and flirting with them when it wasn't true. Eventually, I had struck up a friendship with one of his friends he introduced me to from school, who I confided in that we weren't having a happy relationship. I didn't disclose any real detail during our conversations, but he was horrified by his verbal treatment of me and what my boyfriend said to him about me, and encouraged me to leave him gently over several months. I eventually did break up with him in a public space in order to try to be safe. Strangely, he was fine with it. He took his belongings from my apartment and left without any issue. The following day, he had already moved on to kissing another girl in a neighbouring college and ended up being in a relationship with her for many years - his insecurity about me cheating was a projection of his own behaviour. I ended up dating the friend who helped me to leave that relationship and we are now very happily engaged and cut ties from my ex completely, so I'm thankful we met despite the circumstances. Unfortunately, I never had any real evidence besides anecdotal to bring a case against him for what he did to me without my consent. Dates of those events are non-existent in my memory because I accepted it as being my duty as his girlfriend, and I remember very little now (possibly due to my brain wanting to forget the trauma) unless I get nightmares and flashbacks - there are a few moments that won't leave me. I am currently attending counselling and I'm so lucky to have a fiancé now who has always respected and loved me how anyone deserves to be treated, never been pushy for sex, and supported me so strongly when I disclosed to him fully about what happened in that relationship. I'm sad that my abuser walks free and I don't have any way to have justice, nor protect other women from him without facing defamation legal implications. It is hard to feel safe on my own if I am back in the same city where we went to college. I have seen him a few times in public, but thankfully he never saw me or didn't approach me. I have had some panic attacks out in public when this has occurred. I can only hope that maybe he has changed.

My life has been deeply impacted still today at age 56. You see at about age 8, I was lured with another young boy to see "guns" at the rifle range at summer Organization Camp by an adult leader. Realizing it doesn't seem like something kids would be subjected to in todays society. I was a kid raised on Westerns, Sheriff's and Cowboys and Indians (Native American's no offense good people) so kids thought guns were "cool." As a former Law Officer and litigator guns are "not cool" when tragedy occurs. Anyway, there were NO guns just acts of oral copulation and disgusting anal penetration. Sure it got reported, quickly ignored and buried as I was told by those adults we generally trust to "forget it, you're young and in time it will go away." Something like that just doesn't go away and it deeply caused harm not only to me but me playing doctor as a preteen isn't "cute or funny"; it's sickening only to generate a pattern of being a womanizer and misogynist as a young man. Luckily, after two failed marriages and a world full of hurt for three kids; I met the love of my life and she demands respect (29 years of marital bliss.) I viewed a documentary titled Documentary Name earlier this year and as soon as I heard the voice and the words, saying used: I immediately got sick to my stomach and broke down. Yep! 46 years later I recognized my rapist and am 99.9% Perpetrator Name was indeed the man, the Scout leader who raped me and the other boy at Camp Name way back approximately in 1976. I had to contact the writer/director of the film and she wasn't real familiar with this Perpetrator fella other than to say he's suspected of the murder of her childhood friend Friend Name and was convicted and served time for sodomizing two boys in Massachusetts's. So, I did a little digging and turns out he was also arrested in New York for Child Pornography, stalking kids and attempted abduction. So, I keep scratching at the surface; find a Newspaper Reporter who interviewed Perpetrator numerous times and wrote about him, reported (his name is Reporter Name) and I came right out and told him my story and asked, "this Perpetrator guy, he have alias' and any accusations out of Pennsylvania?" His answer. "yes, as a matter of fact he's admitted to raping hundreds of young boys, in every state in the Northeast, but ain't no killer!" So, it seems I maybe even closer to solving my own case because the adults who were tasked with protecting me, let me down. Now this guy has many aliases' and none have shown up on the Organization Pervert files, so I am missing something. So if you were sexually assaulted or raped anywhere in Mass, New York, Pa, MD or anywhere East Coast and the case was unsolved or they were unable to catch a suspect who was monstrous, 6 foot 4 Reddish Brown hair and talked with a sort of Southern Cowboy "twang" (not sure if real or faked) get a hold of Reporter Name as he's working on connecting this guy to the Organization and other kids organizations (one report is he drove a box truck that kids were conned into thinking it was a RIF truck and he often asked boys to "look for his puppy." NOTE: Perpetrator died a free man last Winter 2022 so the authorities in NY and MA have closed the matter but I sure could find some sense of justice if we could identify some of these other victims (Scouting or anywhere else, as it seems Perpetrator went where the kids are) Then we victims can feel like survivors and close this chapter of a really dark part of US Serial rapist history and Law Enforcement can learn and change tactics on protecting kids from child rapists and killers. I know in my heart the man was probably a serial child killer as the missing young boys in the Northeastern states were more than one and one is too many. I need the publics help on this please.

To the man who exposed himself to me when I was 5 years old and the mother who didn't believe me , the man who stole my first kiss without my consent when I was 14. The man who groomed me when I was 16. The man who told me " I have been nice to you all day I deserve something". To the man who refused to wear a condom, held me down by my neck and finished inside me without my consent and justified it by saying he wanted to have children with me. To the man I worshipped who pulled up my dress at the washing machine, used me and tossed me away like I was his play thing. To the guy who pretend to comfort me and used my sadness to attract me when I was at my weakest. To all the men who touched me, objectified me and all the women who justified it, ignored it, allowed it...... Fuck you.

I'm a postal worker that was sexually assaulted by a coworker on my route. I reported it to the management team and union about the incident and make a report. They remove the carrier from the same faculty for 5 weeks later return back for the union president that representing him says it was he say she said. And which he was protecting his friend. When learn about how they didn't properly investigated the incident. I file criminal charges against the coworker and had to go to court on charges. Months later the coworker pleaded guilty in court to the charges. When court was over I reported the court information to my employer that I felt unsafe working in the environment. I been sitting at home since April waiting a transfer. Since the report the guy that sexual assaulted me still works for the postal service like nothing ever happen like it's ok to do those things to a coworker no discipline. I feel like I’m being punished for doing the right thing and it’s not right.

Date, around Time I went on a date with him (a correctional officer), thinking it was an opportunity to become acquainted with him as a friend, but it turned out to be a horrific night which I would only remember parts of. He picked me up in his white pickup truck; it smelled of cologne and winterfresh gum. Two smells I will never forget. He took me to a dirty dive bar without asking where to go. I already didn’t feel safe, and I regret that I never said anything to this day. I got my first drink, rum and coke. Keep in mind that my glass was smaller than a coffee mug. We started talking, and he told me he used to be in the army. He seemed to be trying hard to persuade and impress me, but I was not falling for it. The taste of my drink was no different than I had before. I was nearly done with my first drink when he asked if I wanted another, and I agreed. He returned with another and asked if I wanted to play darts, and I again agreed. I took one drink of my second rum and coke he brought to me and started to feel dizzy, tired, and weak. I didn’t say anything yet. I continued with darts. By then, he gave me a third drink, I don’t remember if I even had a drink of it. I do recall saying, ‘I wanted to go home,’ and we left out the side door to his white pickup truck. I don’t remember getting inside the front seat, let alone the backseat. My eyes flickered open and closed, waking me to see him face-to-face. Raping me, I am frozen in shock. Disgusted by what he was saying to me. When he was done, he threw a towel on me and told me to ‘clean up.’ He tossed my shoe onto my nude body and said, ‘Now I will take you home.’ Twenty degrees outside, I was nude in a familiar parking lot. I got dressed. He took me home; no words were exchanged. Once I got in my house, I went straight into the shower and cried. I was a virgin He took my innocence from me that I can never get back. Date 2, around Time 2 Sitting in my office, He came in unannounced and sat down in a chair by the door. I looked up, feeling uneasy. I asked him, ‘what was he doing?’ He replied as he got up from his chair, ‘I know you want this cock.’ He blocked me between my seat, the wall, and my desk, I had nowhere to go. He unzipped his pants and grabbed a handful of my hair, and forcefully give him oral sex. This time I remember the whole brutal rape. Pushing, gagging, and choking only made him put more force and hurt upon me. His strength was unbearable. When it was over, he threw a piece of winterfresh gum at me and left. Crying, feeling dirty, guilty, and shameful, I put myself together and completed my day. Violated, not only once but twice, by the same guy. Once outside of work and the other inside work. After the first attack, I was broken inside, but the second attack really damaged me. If I told anyone, no one would believe me because he was a very well-liked person at work, and I was just a caseworker. My sisters were the first to know about the first assault in Date 3. I held back on the second as I felt they wouldn’t forgive me for allowing it to happen again. Date 4 I told my sisters about the second assault. I went to internal affairs, who sent me to detectives. They supposedly did an investigation, but boys will boys, and where I worked, they all stick together. The DA dropped the case. Date Range I now moved out of that county because of the triggers and the hope that my PTSD will get better with time. I feel stronger I told my story and know I am a survivor. I hope my story will become someone else’s survival guide. This happens when you are a strong, outspoken woman at the Location County Jail in Location, Pennsylvania.

At age seven, I told my mother I was being sexually abused by my paternal grandfather. In the middle of a contentious divorce, my mom believed me, but I was forced to tell the story over and over again to police officers, counselors, and attorneys. My dad, an up-and-coming attorney, who worked in the same county where my grandfather resided assisted him with his defense in court. I testified in court for an hour and a half and had to be in the same room with my grandfather. The verdict: not guilty. Life after the trial was a tangle of coping mechanisms. My relationship with my dad fractured, and I lost contact with every member of my paternal family, not knowing that only 1.5 to 3 percent of all child sexual abuse cases end in a guilty verdict. All I knew was that my dad did not protect me. After high school, I moved across the country to attend college in the state my college was in, where I found myself first through drinking and smoking, and then an eating disorder. I developed relationships with both men and women, often in overlapping time frames, rarely fully honest with my partners. As my unhealthy coping mechanisms sent me into a spiral, I began recovery multiple times—until, finally, I started to regain control of my life and the autonomy that was taken from me so long ago. Today, I'm a business owner, at work on a memoir about my experience testifying with a real estate side hustle. I am more than my abuse.

10/10/18 My Daughter, These Things I Know Do not go to bed angry Make eye contact Offer a firm handshake Smile at people—stranger and friend alike No one will remember in one month Exercise your mind Go outside Studying does not count without a pen Focus on your lifestyle over your waistline Say yes to travel Say yes to long car rides Say yes to sharing one on one moments Pick up a book—the closest we have to time travel Take pictures Please and Thank you matter Raise your argument rather than your voice Time heals Your body is yours—to explore, to protect, to celebrate There is strength in vulnerability Know when you do not know Parents are just people too Never turn your back on the ocean You will make mistakes Forgive yourself—now try again It is alright to not be alright Write it down Practice loyalty A habit forms in seven days—stick with it Sing in the car—blame the voice on your mother Do not get on a motorcycle Be kind—stranger and friend alike Stay humble Stay curious Do not walk alone at night Do not pretend that is fair Stand your ground Know when to not stand your ground Find your people—love them fiercely and fully Trust your gut You are not alone

I was sexually assaulted physically and verbally by several of my older sisters boyfriends. She never stood up for me or objected to their comments. Why? I feel so scarred because of this and often cover up parts of my body in public with an intense fear of being verbally assaulted again by men.

Okey, thank you for this space. My story happened some time ago but i only recently remembered it so here i go: I was 15, had a boyfriend at a time and i met a boy/friend my age, A. We knew each other trough his guitar teacher who lived in my village but we didn't know each other well. A had lived with the guy for a period of time because he couldn't stay with his foster family. We met in my village and wanted to visit the guitar teacher who wasnt home at that time. We ended up breaking into his house from the backyard and cooking something in his kitchen, i think it was eggs. Afterwards we went exploring in the house and A took a bottle of some herbal schnaps from the basement (i was too scared to go down there because of the spiders). We went to the place where A had lived before, we could only reach it trough the balcony, it was like a seperate mini house over the carport. We went in, there were some artcollections in the first room and we reached the upper room trough a ladder we pulled up after us. There we hung out, we talked, he shared a lot about his trauma and we got drunk. He knew, that i was in a relationship and therefore wasn't interested in him romantically. He ended up getting me really drunk, that was also the only time i have ever had periods of blackout with drinking. I thought he was also as drunk as me and i remember him encouraging me to drink a lot. Maybe even emotionally force me to do it. I remember at one point being conscious and seing that it was dark and that i had many missed calls and texts from my mom but i was too drunk to get up or care. i was on a matrace in the small room, he had been on a chair and then at some point he was there with me. i remember him undressing me and i also remember grasping my shorts with all the force i got when he tried to remove them. I was laying there in my blue bra and im not sure if i ended up naked from the waist down or not. I remember him trying to penetrate me and i remember being too drunk to speak but grasping his penis to not let him enter me, i remember him penetrating my hand and i remember getting conscious again and him still doing something. i don't know if he was inside me or not that time. I do remember that his penis had at least touched my vulva and that i grasped it with my hands to not let him in and then him penetrating my hand. I remember feeling shame about having pubic hair. I don't remember what happened, i think he didn't climax and the guitar teacher found us. he turned on the lights, he saw A naked and tried to pull the (blue) blanket off me. I held it as strong as i could. He said that the police had called him and that they were searching for us all over the place - my mom had called them. i think it was somewhere between eleven and twelve pm at the time. He then brought us downstairs to the kitchen, made us a coffee with condensed milk and he joked with A about the wordplay to condom milk, which i found... not funny but okey too, for some reason. He said that next time we should just tell him and that he wasn't mad. I thought that that was pretty cool at the time. We walked to my families house laughing and joking on the way, the police were waiting there with flashlights, they flashed into our faces and made us do the alcohol test - it turned out that i was way more drunk by the way. my mom was very mad, she grounded me, took away my phone and forbade A to ever step foot on the proprety again. I didn't tell her what happened - funny thing is, i didn't think that it was a big deal at all. I kept A's scarf and gave it a name, i called it after his favourit soccer player. In the following months i smelled it and i told my friends about all of it and i remember being secretly proud, that i had held his penis and knew, what it felt like and how big it was. I thought i had cheated on my boyfriend and i didn't tell him about what happened. But my friends knew. And i didnt think it was a big deal and they didn't seem to either. Soooo i started to see A again. I was in love with him, secretly. nothing ever happened between us that was like cheating and i didn't leave my boyfriend for him but i ended up sneaking out at a sleepover, to be with him all night, and then going to school the next day. We walked around the town, we did some vandalism at a school and we lisstened to music at a playground at 4am. It was uncover by zara larsson and that became our song. Haha its only now funny to me as i write this, in that night (we had alredy gotten rid of our spraythings) we were tracked down by the police again, we ran from them, layed in some backyard and were eventually found. they didn't do anything except get our id and tell us to go to bed. When other people were around he was always a gaslighting ass. Over time we drifted apart but we still did some smalltalk when we met on public transportation - until now even. And now that i remembered what happened that night of the break in and that he had actually raped me, i am really scared to see him. I think about it a lot and i get scared when someone looks like him on the train or in the city. I just have no idea ho to face him now. And something else: the guitar guy has also overstepped my boundaries a lot. He is a old guy and he always touches me and tells me how beautiful i am. I stopped hanging out with him when i became an adult and became aware of his behaviour but he also still gets way too close when he sees me on the street or in the bus/ train and i hate it. I really hate men sometimes. I never thought he would be a bad guy especially being a child and talking to him, and him being a teacher and all. He was also the one introducing me to A. hmm so i think thats it for now. Thank you for this platform and this opportunity to share.

Hi, when I was 12yo F my step dad groomed me and my mom just let it happen. When he was supposed to be tucking me into bed, he would take off my panties and touch me then touch would lead to sucking and licking. I cried so many nights but when my real dad found out that I got pregnant by my stepdad, he went ballistic, so I gotten an abortion and moved to SC with my dad. I'm 23 now and though I still keep in contact with my mom, she keeps asking me to come back saying that my step dad is better now and in therapy. So to my stepfather Name, I hate you with all of my fucking heart and I hope your dick falls off so you can never have sex ever again!

Sometimes, I still struggle to function normally. I was 6 and he was one of my older sister's friends. I can't remember his age, but I think he was around 10. I kept denying that it was SA since we were both so young. We moved schools and nobody (But my little sister) knows that I went through this. I can't tell my Mom either, she was a victim of Rape and I was scared that she might see me differently and find this a reason to cage me more. Trust me, my Mom is very overbearing, I will most likely tell her this when I hit 23. Anyways, I was 6 and he was around 10, I was taking a bathroom break when he came up to me. "(Deadname), come over here," He whispers in my direction. He was behind the big ramps, I was a bit wary but he was my sister's friend, so surely nothing could happen, right? Right. I went over to where he motioned, suddenly very cautious. He grabbed my arm, and we were out of sight from my classmates. "Can I have a kiss?" I was confused, as to why he would pull me aside for such silly thing? He pouted at my silence and I reluctantly gave him a kiss on the cheek. He beamed at my approach, and grabbed both of my cheeks, attempting to lean closer to my lips. I struggled in his grip, he was bigger than me, and I was a starved child at the time, very bony, so I couldn't do much. "Please stop," I asked as he placed one of his hands on my waist, traveling it more below. He pushed me closer to himself, and I almost cried. My memory is a bit hazy here, but he said something like, "My mom does this with my Dad, why don't you enjoy this? Don't make me look bad, you're gonna get me in trouble." And he talked about sex education with me, while groping me. Writing this makes me so disgusting in my own skin. I genuinely look back at this often and wonder if this is really COCSA. After my classmates finished using the bathroom, the teacher came out of the classroom that was across the bathroom area. His classmates came around the corner and He pushed me off of him. "See you later," He said to me. "I'll get your first kiss one way or another," He pointed to his pants, where his, you know what, was very showing. It was stained, and I was confused, just confused. I looked at my shorts and it was somewhat stained too. I didn't know how to feel. I was scared, that was one thing. I didn't know if I should tell my older sister, I didn't want her to lose a friend over this Incident. I kept to myself for most of the day, my teacher noticed but didn't say anything. After that, my life was completely down hill from there. I was too shy, too scared to be left with other boys, even with my male teachers. I was very sexual when I hit 7, I kept drawing inappropriate things during class as well at home, and had thoughts no toddler should have, even ones about my own FAMILY. I was scared, I thought I was sick. I thought it was a stupid phase. I completely forgot what had happened to me last year. Every time I saw him, I cowered in fear. I tried to stink so no other guy would do what he did to me, I wore less "revealing" clothes. He still looked at me like a predator. I felt like a rabbit, helplessly trapped, trying to escape before the big bad wolf came to get what he had caught. I wanted to avoid him, but it was no use. Every time we HAD to be around each other, he tried to get closer to me, He pointed out how feminine I looked even in pants, and it made me sick. Sometimes, when he did try, I would let him. He didn't do anything but stare, though. When I started to grow more into my looks, he despised how boyish I began to look. He didn't want much to do with me afterwards, but when he did, he'd just look at me and shamelessly point out my looks. I became insecure, still am, but it's less obvious now. I'm a young adult now, I'm hypersexual and asexual, worst of all, gay too. I get internalized homophobia sometimes, thinking that I became gay because of my trauma. Same for being hypersexual and asexual, it's so difficult to manage. One moment I'm sexualizing myself to men who could be my dad, then another, I'm too scared to be in the same room with another man. It's disgusting to me, that I became this way because of what HE did to me. So, if that didn't happen to me, would I still be gay? I don't get it anymore, my head hurts. I came across this site to clear my head out of this traumatic experience, but the more I put thought into it, the more my memories become oh so clear. I see others getting validated for their trauma, but when it's with me, I'm always too scared to even utter his name. Anyways, thanks for reading. Sorry that this is so darn long LMAOO

I'm a sexual assault survivor. About four years ago during my sophomore year of high school | went to a halloween party and met a guy. At this party we talked and talked and he seemed kind so l continued to hangout with him after the party. One day we were at his house in his room and things escalated. I was comfortable with kissing and cuddling but shortly after that started, he wanted more-he asked me to have sex and I said no. He continued to ask me and I kept saying no and I wasn't sure until | finally gave up and just gave in and said sure. I was so confused at the time because I knew I said yes at one point so I thought that meant it was okay. Shortly after I learned about coercion and I realized that's what happened to me. Even though it's been four years, I haven't been able to fully heal, but l am healing.

I've been on this road to healing for a very long time. I was with a man that at first was my friend, we were together for 4.5 years. In the beginning things seemed okay. We shared our dreams and I started college. I expressly told him I was there on a scholarship and would only be focusing on school and would come back down on the weekends. Once I started my first semester I should've paid more attention to all the red flags. He would text me and call me at all hours. He'd Skype me any time I had 5 minutes of a break. Mind you I was a naval cadet at my school so I didn't get many breaks especially with classes that were 4 hours long. I eventually started having panic attacks from his constant berating and checking that I wasn't doing anything I wasn't supposed to be doing like cheating. Eventually I had to drop out of being a cadet to being a commuter student which meant being home with him after classes and waking up extra early just to get to class on time. It was even more difficult for me because of his obsessive gaming habit of playing video games until 3 am which is the time I had to be up to get ready for my first morning classes. Eventually I started losing sleep and my grades started slipping. I had to drop out of college for a while to make things easier on myself. I ended up giving up on my dream of being a marine biologist and naval cadet to be with this man. A man that had no job no GED no future. But he would constantly promise that things would get better. At this point I had two jobs just to keep us afloat, and feeding his habits. But little did I know he was selling my stuff on top of everything and the little money I was saving for myself he stole and started using for his habit as well. I switched majors two more times after that and finally stuck to psychology without telling him my final major, just that I wanted to finish school. But it was difficult juggling school and two jobs but I had to because I wasn't allowed to go back to my family ( I had a difficult relationship with them at the time). Because of all the long hours and night courses I was taking, the man I was with started to suspect me of cheating and would constantly fight me at all hours and would start ripping apart my bags and looking through my phone and laptop just to see if he could find any evidence. He'd berate me to his friends and anyone that would listen. I started getting back into my drug habit, which I had previously given up, due to his increasing behavior. he would always put me down calling me a whore a slut a bitch that didn't know how to do anything. Mind you I was the one with the job, but id have to come home to cook to clean to take care of his mess when he was the one home 24/7. When I would try to help him get set up with GED courses or a job he would say things like "I don't need a GED I'm smarter than anyone with a degree" or "why do I need your help when I can do any and everything myself and better". By the time I started working at the Y, I couldn't speak to or see my family or friends. At the same time my beloved grandfather, the man who raised me, was diagnosed with stage 2 pancreatic cancer. I was extremely close to him and when I expressed my fears to my partner's family his sisters and his mother were always so kind to me and always supported me. But he immediately would say I deserved all the pain and suffering and that I shouldn't cry because only good people deserve to feel sad. He'd say I was the scum of the earth and didn't deserve happiness. I'd start sneaking out after work just to see and tend to my grandfather. Id go on days when classes were canceled or when I didn't have work and accompany him to chemo sessions. I would move my schedules around just to spend time with him. But my ex had a friend that worked at the same Y I did, and she started telling him what I was doing thinking she was helping me. Instead he took this as continued disrespect and started beating me daily. I started wearing longer sleeves and thicker clothes and makeup just to cover the bruises up. (Because of this I started developing a love for movie makeup which helped my later investment in my Dad's film company.) I started making friends again and they noticed the clothes especially in the summers and I would just say that it would be inappropriate to subject the children to the tattoos that I have. But eventually they started catching on and one day I slipped because I came in after taking my grandfather to chemo and didn't have time to fix the makeup on my neck. I was able to fix it before my site director or any of the parents noticed. My partner started to force himself on me sexually after I showed little interest and started keeping to myself or spending more time with his sisters. Id wake up to him on top of me and he'd beat me if I fought him. I became pregnant and the beating continued with him believing the child wasn't his. But he beat me so bad one day that I miscarried and he blamed me for killing our child. He beat me so bad that day that he cracked a disc in my spine pinching my sciatic nerve causing me partial paralysis and dropfoot in my right leg. he started drinking heavily after I lost our child. he terminated my phone contract which we entered into only a few months prior, causing me to end up in debt, then he stole the rest of the money from my savings to fund his gaming. This ended up causing me to fall behind on payments for the new furniture I had purchased, which I eventually had to give to his mother. I started talking to someone I had previously dated (we ended things amicable and saw each other as really close friends) for advice and solace. while I understand that this would be technically emotional cheating, I was starting to no longer have feelings for my partner and lost myself. My grandfather, who was with us for 3 more years after his diagnosis, eventually got severely sick and ended up in an induced coma for 3 months. I became severely depressed and disconnected from everything and everyone. I became so numb to the beatings and rapes that I would be terrified to close my eyes. I started staying up at night afraid to lay down or even cover myself with any blankets. I would curl up in a corner by the window and that would be the only time he would leave me alone. My grandfather died in December 2019 and the day he passed my partner broke up with me stating that I deserved all the pain and heartbreak I was suffering and that I would never find happiness. He walked away and laughed at my pain saying my grandfather was just an old man who meant nothing. He had forbidden me from undergoing the surgery that would fix my spine, but without him knowing I agreed to the surgery. I moved back in with my grandmother a few months later in February of 2020 by packing up what I could including important documents and sneaking out at 4am to go to the hospital for my surgery. My father picked me up from the hospital and took me to my grandmother's home. In the safety of my family I confirmed with my ex that I would never again be with him. I told him I no longer wanted anything to do with him no contact either physically or electronically. A few days later he came by with more of my stuff and told me that he would only take me back if I never slept with anyone else after him. I told him he no longer had that control over me so he had no right to ask that of me. I asked him to leave. During the healing period of my spinal surgery he harassed me continuously even going so far as to say he would kill himself if I didn't take him back. This lasted for months and I didn't know what to do. I forced myself into therapy and tried to ignore him as long as possible. With the help of my therapist I was slowly able to block him and start healing. I started working in mental health and social work a few months later. I eventually met my now fiancee who has been my number one supporter. He has even come to therapy sessions with me and has made sure that I always put myself first. I currently work in DV and GBV helping others that have or are going through wheat I went through. I plan on becoming a therapist eventually once I finish my MBA. I also put my makeup skills to use by helping my father on his films with makeup and special effects makeup. My fiancee and I are getting married this year and it's been such a long journey but there are times I still have random memories or ptsd symptoms, but with the help of my friends and family I am able to work through it all. I hope my story gives someone the courage they need to leave before it's too late.

No matter what your abuser says, it isn't your fault. You are braver than you think and stronger than you know. Your truth is THE truth, and your voice matters. My abuser would gaslight me constantly to where I was no longer certain of what had actually happened in a given situation. He emotionally, verbally and psychologically abused me yet claimed it was all my fault. After I ended our engagement and finally left him for good, he put an AirTag on my car and used it to track my location and stalk me. According to him, this was also my fault. He was convinced I was cheating on him - something I never did and would never do. I got an Order of Protection against him, and we went to court multiple times. It was the worst time in my entire life, but I survived. Two years later, I've moved across the country, started my own business and rebuilt my life. You aren't alone. Even if you feel like it, you have the strength of the survivors who've gone before you that will carry you through your darkest days. We stand by you and with you. It ends with us.