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When I was in my early to mid 20s, I experienced my first serious relationship. It took me more than 2 years to notice I was being manipulated, gaslighted, and psychologically abused. I lost myself in that relationship, I felt like a different person, constantly depressed, and lacking self love. My firsts attempts in getting out of that relationship were useless, he manipulated me into believing I was the problem and that I was the one who needed to change. I was cheated on multiple times, he didn’t want to say end time sith me or my family. I always founf myself making up excuses for him. He made me think that everything was my fault and that I was asking for too much of him. When I decided to leave him, he made me feel like I was the problem and like I was a burden to him. It’s hard to identify when the abuse is psychological, you’re not crazy, you’re not wrong for asking for attention, for dates, for quality time, which I never had with him. Don’t let anyone, humiliate, control, gaslight, or diminish you! You deserve love, support, peace, attention, RESPECT! Try to identify the red flags on that questionable relationship, it’ll get better and it’s never too late.

Last year I was gang raped. I have an ear ringing called tinnitus that has not stopped since. I have nightmares. I flew with my mom to a wedding overseas. I was excited. She would be busy with her friends and cousin and I would get to spend time with my awesome second cousin who is two years older than me. After the rehearsal dinner we went out. It was fun because I was not legally able to drink there even though the age was lower than in my province, but they did not check ID’s. I did not drink much because it was not my thing and I had a boyfriend but I was able to go to some bars then a club attached to a hotel. So much fun up to when we met two soldiers in uniform who were cute and separated us from her friends because of our looks. My cousin is stunning beautiful. They had a private room at the club and several soldiers were there and two prostitutes also. Those prostitutes definitely hated us being there. I wanted to get out anyway and the cute ones that invited us acted like they understood and took us out of there. We stupidly let them take us to their hotel room where they totally dropped the cute romantic act and made us strip our clothes to music. They showed us a gun they had in a drawer. I was terrified. They made us lay on our stomachs bent over the bed side by side and had sex with us that way. They switched like we were interchangeable before finishing in us with no protection. We held hands. I was crying while my cousin was trying to be strong and cheer me up. We weren’t allowed to leave and our clothes were hidden. Before took our phones we had to text that we were staying at my cousin’s friend’s house. Then they called two other soldiers, one of them a huge tall dark guy with body builder muscles. He was the worst to me. They made us dance and then we had to use our mouths on the cute ones that had lured us there while the other two had sex with us. I vomited and my cousin cleaned it up but then it started again. They had cocaine and made us sniff it off their parts and sniffed it off us. Another one came and I think it was just those five during the night but they kept raping us and making us do things even when we would pass out. I would like to have been more unconscious but cocaine makes you so awake. I want to remember less and think about it all less. We showered many times. The big dark one peed on me and in my mouth the shower. He did it more than once like I was his toilet. The other men even had to tell him to chill out when he was making me scream liking his fingers and pushing them in my arse, but not when he made me crawl around like a dog using my hair as a leash. I remember one of them calling their friends to tell them to turn all their t.v.’s way up to hide the noise in our room. They watched sports news on the t.v. They had me and my cousin kiss each other and stuff. I could not act like it was a fun party like my cousin did sometimes and encouraged me to do. She tried to take some of their attention away from me over and over. I love her for it but they did not leave me alone. My chest is something they were obsessed with. They did not care that I was obviously distressed and freaking out or that in my country I was three years below the age of consent. There I was the minimum. We woke up in the morning on one the beds together with only the two soldiers sleeping on the floor. The black one was gone! They had sex with us again and another man who was much older and who they called SIR came in and had sex with both us but mostly me. They cheered him on and my head was pounding and I was crying and it seemed to last forever. Finally we got our clothes back but they took us for brunch wearing their normal clothes. They showed me pictures on their phones that made it look like I was having fun and warned us how bad it would be if we said anything different than we had a nice party. A nice party in hell! Before that I’d had sex with only my 1 boyfriend ever. One night of hell and now my number was seven!! We had to start getting ready for the wedding right away and I was exhausted. My cousin hid me and I took a nap in my dress, hair and makeup until the last minute. I cried in the ceremony but not for the wedding. I was so sore in my vagina, muscles, and brain that I got so drunk at the reception I barely remember any of it. Just part of being on the plane home. I told my mom the truth when I got back and she got all crazy, so did my dad, and they tried to call over there and the hotel and such but there was nothing the police would do. I saw my dad cry for the first time as I told the whole story. My boyfriend could not handle it and dumped me. I go to group and do therapy. I take a pill everyday and now benzo’s for break through anxiety. I try to hide my large chest under baggy clothes where before I used it for attention. STUPID! My cousin does not seem to have the trauma I do or the nightmares. In her country they are done with secondary school up to two years before us and are more treated like adults sooner. I said mean things to her once because of it. She forgave me but we talk much less since I asked if she has gang bangs all the time. I felt terrible because she even let them have anal sex with her to lure them away from me. I could tell it hurt her so much but at the time was just thinking about my own survival. My childhood is OVER but I do not feel like an adult. Her advice is -Don’t let it get you so down-. Like I have a choice in this!! She went to a therapist ONCE because her mom made the appointment and does not plan to go back. Her life did not really change!! She works reception at a tech company and models on the side and still goes to parties and clubs and dates. How??? It is unbelievable how attitudes toward something like this can be so different in different countries. I am a victim now and I usually feel like it. Definitely damaged. Everybody at my school knows why. I am THAT girl. My new more mature boyfriend is understanding but I feel like a sad little burden to him. I am hypersexual sometimes now and can’t help it. It is a coping mechanism that happens to some victims of sexual assault. I did not ask for it. I worry my boyfriend can’t trust me because of it. I had an older guy friend who’s been my neighbor for years take advantage of me after I told him the story of what happened at his house. We had sex and then he felt guilty for being turned on by my rape story. He admitted it and asked me to forgive him. The sex helped me calm the ear ringing for just short time periods so I did it with him more than once a day for a bit until my dad started to suspect something and talked to him. Since then I don’t trust myself. I want to marry my boyfriend in large part just to protect myself and show him I love him and am loyal even though I am not sure I can be. I worry I cannot love like a normal person. I worry I push him away being too needy and wanting to marry him so soon. I need him more than he needs me. Is that the way it will always be in relationships for rape victims??? I work hard at school not to ruin my future. It is so hard to focus. My ears ring constantly. Thank you for listening.

Wow, first of all. How empowering. I can't even fully talk to therapists or my family support workers because I'm afraid I'll have to make statements. I've been sexually assaulted and raped more times than I can remember. One particularly tough event, my ex, my child's fathers. Well I was passed out. I woke up to him carefully pulling out of my body. I ran to the toilet. Sick with shock. I had a protection order but I had let my guard down and gotten drunk with neighbours the night before. I called my sister. She came to bring me to an emergency chemist. I took the morning after pill. Month came, the Date and I still hadn't got my period. The test was positive. I had to illegally obtain tablets and have an abortion in my sisters house. Very sad and awful time of my life. This platform is a god send.

Iam a 33 year old with 3 children(2 boys and one girl) my first born son is from my previous relationship. I was a fresh graduate when i met this man that i currently have two kids with …i finished university expecting to get a job to support me and my then only son but each time i tried to look for jobs my husband discouraged me saying i would be exploited and given peanuts so to whom it was wise for me to sit home and be a wife i gave in and sat home but him satisfying my needs was always a fight i remember i asked for panties and bras for the last 6 years and nothing.everything he provides we must first have a fight and he knows so well i have no where to run to because he isolated me from my family. After moving in with him and my son he started treatung my son with so much anger he would beat,abuse and use vulgar words to him and he still does it he shows him that am not your father and only favors the kids i have with him. Mine i came with is not worthy of anything good. While i was pregnant for his son he was flirting with my sister and by this time i was not getting any financial help so i opted to go to my mothers rental and after sometime my sister disclosed to me the kind of husband i have when i confronted him about it he was too bitter and threatened to take my kids from me. When i was pregnant for my second child with him i got him with 15 girls flirting and sleeping around i was so devasted and almost lost my child due to stress i put my self together and let it go for my sake of my baby but i swore i was done with this man so i started not to pay too much attention on him and concentrated on raising my kids meanwhile i was caught up had no money of my own and had no relative in contact with i perservered and stayed to have a roof over our heads and to solicit food for my kids. I actually lost sexual appetite towards him for all the disgusting things he does behind my back but he would force me into sex and threaten not to provide if i ddt satisfy him a time came when he would rape me saying am his property and that i couldnt live without him since i dont have any money. It was all verbal violence until may this year 2024when i confronted him about cheating with my cousin and messages of him in a lodge with another girl that he grabbed me by the neck and strangled me and beat up that i started spitting blood..at this point i said to myself i should leave and start a new life i actually told him am leaving and he laughed at me saying u cant leave what are u gonna feed ur kids .i was packing whole day thinking to my self i cant fail to get where to stay but reality hit me and for sure i had no where to go so i unpacked my stuff and stayed its now months and months of sexual, financial,emotional and physical abuse but i dont know where to start with 3 children ive actually contemplated suicide so many times thinking it will ease the pain. Am in fear please advise me

This morning I was awoken by my bed shaking and i felt a hand on my butt..it was my cousin masturbating and touching me at the same time. i dont know if its considered SA so i want to know if it is. (also he was sleeping over)

it was the summer of 1979 i was off from school, mom, dad, and myself went out to see my grandma and grandpa for a week, in tridelphia, west virginia i was 12 years old we had a cookout and had our dinner outdoors, my grandparents lived up in the hills where your nearest neighbor was across the interstate so you were basicly cutoff from people, name and his wife came down from buffalo to see my grandmother because that was her side of the family, so i excused myself from the table because i wanted to stretch my legs and take a walk into the woods to go see the deer, i hear footsteps behind me name comes up to me and takes me by the arm and goes further down into the woods so no one could see what was about to happen, he made me take off my clothes and started feeling my naked body then pulled his pants and boxers down to try and make me swallow his penis, during this he started feeling my naked body and my genitals and said to me this is how people have sex, then he said to me dont you dare tell your parents or grandparents about this or i will say that you are lying, the next day he found me behind the house watching the 18 wheelers going by on the interstate, then took me into the basement made me strip naked and had me start masturbating well its a good thing i stopped before i had ejaculated because the basement floor was dirt and had sperm came out of me and grandma seen that the floor was wet she would have asked me what happened down here and i could never lie to my grandma because of our special bond, once i got dressed i walked around and spread dirt on the floor to cover my bare footprints to make like nothing happened during all of this name and his wife stayed at the ramada inn down the road from my grandparents house my parents and my grandparents, nor my aunts ever knew about any of this because of the shame and guilt that i felt, i wish i had said something that sick bastard would have died in prison, but hes dead now so i dont ever have to worry about his ssorry ass ever again.

hi. i found out when i was 14 that what happened to me wasn’t okay. i have no idea how to deal with the fact that apparently im a victim of cocsa, so that’s why im here because i have no idea what to do. it started when i was 5, and she was 9. the first time, she asked what kind of princess underwear i was wearing, then asked to see. i showed her and she touched me, then asked if i liked it. i didnt know what i was supposed to like. this went on for some time, and eventually she got my sisters in on it too, they were her age. i didn’t know what it even was but i wanted her to keep hanging out with me alongside them so i didn’t complain. and the sister i shared a room with one night asked if we could “practice” so we could be good for her, then asked me to touch her. she called it her dog house, and i had to help the dog. me and my sister haven’t spoken about that night since it happened, and i cant get it out of my mind. but the girl never stopped with me, one day she came to my house and wanted to sleep over. i was so excited that she asked to sleep in my room with just me, and it got to bedtime, and she asked if i could help her, but i said i didn’t want to so she made me hold her phone that had porn on it, i sat there for however long while she did it, making me watch. i never knew it was wrong or anything, i just loved the idea of her thinking of me. the last time, i was 12. my family took her on our vacation, and she wanted to go back to the condo for whatever, she asked me to come back with her. i was downstairs eating pizza rolls, and she asked me to come upstairs. i walk in the room and her bottoms are off. she asked me to come and sit, and asked if i would help her. i said i didn’t want to, and she just asked me to take my top off and watch. i remember i just sat there staring at myself in the mirror. the whole time. for the first time, i was scared. we then left once she was done, and said nothing. when it was my 14th birthday, i talked abt it, and i was told that it wasn’t okay. 7 years of my life. i didn’t know. and i don’t know how to deal with any of this. any tips or help would be great.

...during the holidays, my mum would take me up-country to stay with my grandma. My grandma lived with my two older cousins(let's name them: T and K) who stayed there after their mum passed away years back. Near my grandmothers house was another homestead, which was also our relatives. I had older cousins from that side too, but only two were living there coz the others were working in urban cities in our country. I remember every evening, T and K would normally go fetch water by the river and they couldn't leave me behind coz i was young, and their responsibility and mostly my grandma had gone to the market...they took this opportunity to assault me, i remember i always refused and told them God would be mad coz deep down i felt it was wrong, but they brainwashed me, telling me God is pleased and that it's not wrong. They occasionally did it, even when we were in the house, they touched my private parts, forced me to touch theirs and do all sorts of disgusting things. When my grandma travelled and could not come over night, One would undress me and order me to lay with him...From the other homestead(let's name him: C),he was a drug addict, he normally called for me and when i persisted he came for me, he lured me with candy which was my favourite...When the holiday came to an end. i tried telling my mum that i didn't wanna go back to my grandma but she never understood and i feared telling her. From the first incident, i felt shame and helpless...i tried getting rid of the situation but it was always after me, I was too young...6 to 10 years old. The older i got the more i understood all that was going on...but i've been forever stuck, i have social stigma and hate men(slightly fear), i try to console myself and forget all that occurred but with defeat. I'm always ok until i remember and my world crumbles. I don't know how to heal or overcome but just act like it didn't happen coz after all what would they do after the know what happened??It's easy for me to overcome all things apart from this, and i don't know why...or it's because i still get to see them every time despite (eventually) the assault come to an end ?? I've really never spoken about it, this my first time and it's a way of healing...hopefully i do, by reading the other stories on this page

I met him when we were in kindergarten. We easily became best friends. Few years later when I was 9 he tried to help me (I was in one of my first depression episodes) and he kinda did? I felt little bit better when he was around. Its how it started. But our relation didn't end well. It was few years later, we were about to finish primary school. I was 13 and he 15. Few days earlier I lost all my other friends, we had big fight. He offered I can stay in his house so my mom wouldn't be sad that I'm all alone again. I agreed, my mom had enough troubles because of my depression, I didn't want her to worry even more. So I went to his house, his mom wasn't there. He offered me to choose movie which we could watch. And then everything ended. He started touching me, even if I told him I don't want everything. I knew he had sex with other girls but I was 13 and didn't want to do it. However, he didn't care what I was saying. It took 4 hours for him to leave me alone. I was crying, I was screaming but he didn't want to listen. To stop. So 4 hours later when he finally ended in me I just sat on couch and didn't want to believe what really happened. Next few months I was trying to forget, I didn't tell anyone. I though that if I won't think and talk about this I forget. I was trying to tell myself nothing had ever happened. But when my great grandmother asked me (she was raped too when she was in my age) I couldn't lie anymore. It took few more years for me to tell my parents. And few next to tell my therapist. And now, many many years after that night I still can't forget. I don't know if I ever will be able to forget. When it happened I started to heal from my depression. Now I'm not able to live normally. I feel like that night took part of me from me. And I'll never get it again. Even if it happened years ago I still remember perfectly. I still can feel his touch on me when I'm going to bed. I see him in everyone. I'm afraid I'll never feel safe again.

It is with great shame that I confess here. I was a passive enabler of abuse. I had been molested as a girl by an older boy in grade school and should have been less of a coward. I finally turned in my husband and ended his incestuous abuse of his own daughter. I deserve the tears I cry. I was a swing shift nurse and usually slept like a rock with my pill. That night I got out of bed after a few hours and wandered past the kitchen to the other side of the house where my stepdaughter room was. It sounded a little like crying, or laughing.  It was hard to tell what was happening at first though the cracked door on the other side of house. My stepdaughter's room. But soon I made out that my husband was kneeling and leaning forward over the bed with his head between his daughter's spread legs. The noises were panting and squeaking from him performing cunnilingus.  This quickly concluded and he took a position lying in bed and although her body was mostly blocked because she was on the other side of him from the door, It was evident that she was giving her dad fellatio. Her head was rising and falling and he had his hand on her head. She was only nine! I left  and went back to bed, wanting to forget what I had seen. Why not talk to him and stop it right away? I should have. But my husband had lost his wife only a few years before, and my step daughter had lost her mother.  The woman had been paralyzed below the waist and had severe back pain.  She took her own life two months after the injury, days after being discharged home from the hospital. There was a lot between them because of their loss that I could never be a part of. The idea that sexual contact was a means of grieving did not sit well with me but I did not want to make waves.  It seemed voluntary on her part. I loved my husband. It had taken a long time to find him after much hoping and dating and heartache and searching. So maybe I was selfish for wanting to keep my husband. I did not know if it happened very often. I turned a blind eye..   For at least a year and a half I did not get out of bed if I woke up in the middle of sleep time. Then on a Friday night, after I had worked a night shift and stayed up to run errands during the day, then attended my stepdaughter's dance recital where she performed ballet, jazz, and hip hop with her troop, I crashed. But I got up, restless. This time the door to her bedroom was closed and probably locked, lights on from below.  The sounds of my stepdaughter in the throes were loud enough that I went out the back door and around to the window, and stood up on the central air unit to see through the large gap in the curtains.  I had a direct view of my esteemed husband, who is quite good to me, up on his knees on the bed, pumping back and forth. His daughter was bent over in front of him with her bare posterior in the air, down on her elbows.  I could see him moving in and out of her and shaking her whole body with his thrusts.  I felt sudden anger.   I regret that my anger was not about what it should have been about. My anger was jealous anger.  Thoughts of my thirty-four year old body and how it could not compete with the firm adolescent body I saw before me, and that we had watched this beautiful curve-developing girl while holding hands with my husband as she danced in different outfits. I was a little jealous then, not even knowing that he was thinking of her, that way. I kept watching him sex her, unable to consider looking away. He slowed his thrusts and collapsed on the other side of her. I saw her shiny body collapse too. Her breath was so deep and fast. They took a couple minutes to recover and I got more upset when I thought my husband was going to fall asleep with HER. But he got up, talking. He dressed and walked around the bed. She got up, seemingly at his command and they hugged, standing up. He smiled at her and turned toward the door. Only then was the spell broken and I hurried back to the door and went in. He was already showering. I never said anything and let it fade, pretending I did not think about it often. I was more passionate and adventurous with my husband, and colder with my stepdaughter.      A couple years later when I found her crying in her room one day while my husband was out of town, I went in to comfort her. It got around to me mentioning her sexual relationship with her father in an accusatory way. She broke down even farther and told me about how she asked him to stop when she started 8th grade. She had become aware how “crazy” it was and begged him to stop if he loved her. He told her he couldn’t stop because he loved her. Something snapped inside me and I helped her fall asleep and then drove to the police station. I turned myself in and my husband. It was very messy and my life has been since. But I don’t regret it. I only regret waiting five years to end a marriage that I should have ended after five months. I deserve all the tears.

I had a friend from high school who reached out to me because we matched on Tinder. I didn't get off work until 9pm, but I still wanted to catch up with him. He said he would cook me some food and we could watch a movie or just talk. I trusted him. When I walked in his apartment, I had a weird feeling but I pushed it away because I knew him. I didn't think he could ever hurt me, I was wrong. We were watching his favorite show, Dragon Ball Z. I've never seen it before, so I thought I would make him happy and watch it with him. Then he started putting his hand on my thigh and started moving up. I pushed it away and told him I was comfortable with that. There was a darkness in his eyes that I have never seen before. He pushed me and pinned me to the ground. saying "We both know this is what you came here for." I kept screaming no and telling him to get off me, but he didn't. I couldn't move or breathe, I felt like I was trapped in a body that wasn't mine. All of the happiness and the joy of the girl I was, now gone.

My dad . Violent , physically , verbally , emotionally .He turned my home, my family into a war zone . The screaming, fighting & horror lived on for almost 42 years until I walked into a police station and the legal system saved me from further terror . I’m tired still 2.5 years into no contact . He still controls my mom . This is just a small part of a story Ive waited to share but I’m not fully ready .

I was in a five year relationship with my daughters father he would beat me senseless choke me leave me with black eyes I got pregnant he would still hurt me once I had my daughter in year I left him I never got help or support from anyone because I kept quiet all this time I was scared or I thought no one was gonna believe me but now I’m happy I remarried had three beautiful daughters with my husband and I opened up to him and he supports me in everything he’s my rock I thank God that gave me strength to leave him

After it was all said and done. I found myself asking, why not? For I had/have already been molested as a child, sexually harassed on the job and later a kissed took place due to me feeling stuck; so why not one more thing with being sexually assaulted. Thing is it isn’t okay. It isn’t your fault and you did nothing wrong. My hope is when confusion arises that clarity settles and when self doubt surrounds that assurance comforts you. Please know you’re loved, you’re important, you’re valued, you’re victorious, you’re more than a conqueror and you’re so worth it! Let’s see, healing to me is forgiving the one(s) who harmed you, forgiving those who shamed you, blamed you and didn’t believe you and yes forgiving you. The Best is Still and Yet to Come! I love you and please know , I am here too.

I am almost twenty and in my second year of college. I commute an hour to school and live at home. For years I never 100% felt safe around my father. There’s previous history where I haven’t been able to trust him. Ive been exposed to porn at an early age because of my dad and his addiction. I’ve had a hard time with trust with my dad because not just of finding porn multiple times with him and feeling put in the middle cuz I know porn was a deal breaker for my mom, but he would literally get mad at me and ignore me for days when I decided to let my mom know. I remember after it had been days since we talked my mom made us talk to “resolve” things and he made a comment about how he “knows” I walk by the bathroom door slowly to hear what he’s doing. I remember yelling at him that I’m not a fucking pervert. Mind you I was in fifth grade. And since then the trust has just always been broken. Still to this day I have ptsd every time he’s in the bathroom and I want to talk past it. Most times I’ll just stay in my room and wait for him to finish. He’ll even make comments when he gets out “I was just taking a shit”. Like why do you feel the need you to justify what you were doing. Flash forward to April of last year. I just got done smoking weed (one of my first few times). I definitely smoked more than what I could handle. But it was the last time I had smoked because it left me terrified. It was like memories in a way where I was in the pov of myself but I knew I was little. I saw my dad and he was younger and had no beard. In the “memory” or whatever tf it was he was getting off me all sweaty and looked and me said he was sorry but he loves me. I also remember feeling oral sensations like a penis in my mouth. I heard wet sounds (more so like water) with male meaning sounds. Whether this was true or not, it left me feeling grossed out. It hasn’t been the same with my father since. But it got me questioning things more. Because it was so big, out of self protection and disassociation, I kept myself very isolated from both my parents. My mom is very observant and has fostered a nurturing environment in the sense we talk about things and are on the same page. I knew she picked up on my distance and she brought it up one day almost like probing. I didn’t want to talk about it because 1) I had no idea if what I saw during my high was true 2) I didn’t want to make things more stressful on the family. Mom eventually probed me enough and I told her. At first she was shocked but she did end up hearing me and felt very bad that I had been struggling with this alone. She tried to make some logical reasoning to deny what I was feeling but for the most part I did feel heard. The one thing that hurt me in the conversation and still sticks with me was she told me, “I’m so sorry if that has ever happened to you. But I hope we can be a strong resilient family and maybe get past this”. Like great, I’m trying to make understanding of these confusing feelings and now add this? Like okay so if anything did happen I’m just expected to “forgive and forget and move on”. Like you’re still gonna stay with someone who abused your daughter? I know I’m also aware that her father for years had sexually molested her and she’s still in therapy for it. She still tries to salvage what little relationship she has with him so I get she’s also coming from a traumatic template but it still hurts. It makes me feel even more alone and makes me not want to speak up about stuff like this. However, a part of my resistance with telling my mom was I knew she would have a conversation later with my dad. I begged her not to and she promised she wouldn’t and ended up talking to him. For a couple of days there was distance and my dad wasn’t talking to me. That’s when I asked my mom if she talked to my dad and she revealed she did. We ended up having a family talk (my parents and I) because my mom always scaffolds those things and try’s to “resolve” things. I just remember walking into the living room and my mom calling my dad downstairs cuz he was being avoidant. Immediately I felt guilty and just wanted the conversation to be over so I just told my dad “I’m sorry I ever thought you would do something like that” and then we hugged and he said “it’s okay”. But fast forward to my therapy session after, why was that all my dad could say? Why can’t he ever validate my feelings? I just wanted the reassurance that he never would harm me in that way and I couldn’t even get that. Why couldn’t he have said “I am so sorry you would ever feel like this and I am so sorry I have failed at keeping you to feel safe. I want you to know I would never do such a thing to harm you”. Was that too much to ask for? Another thing that has kept me hyper vigilant with my father is why can’t I remember much from my childhood? I know we aren’t supposed to remember everything but why can I remember specific things with my mom but not my dad? I can remember my mom bathing me and taking a bath with me. She would use a plastic cup and sit behind me and wash the shampoo out. But when I try to remember my dad I can’t recall anything. I just remember reading an article on SA talking about how a lot of children have suppressed memories and many fragmented memories. A lot of the time the people who we knew were present in our lives but can’t seem to remembered anything could be a red flag. Now I lay trying to recall my father in my childhood who I knew was present, but can’t seem to remember much. When I do recall some things from my early years they are sexualized. I remember stealing my mom’s camera and talking sexually to it. I would watch them and then delete them. I would spend hours doing this. I even remember trying to look up a sex tape of Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber doing it in a bathtub. And I specifically remember being so frustrated I couldn’t find a video of it… but I find the location so interesting because during my high I heard water noises like the sounds of a bath and ironically I can’t remember bath time or anything with my father but I know he was there. With therapy we have explored my concerns and even my sexuality. Some things I discovered is my sex drive is very inconsistent. I could go weeks to months without doing anything and then vice versa and be hyper sexual. I also realize that whenever I do get aroused I feel anxious to the point I have to poop which normally just kills the mood and this has been consistent for years unfortunately no matter how many times i tell myself its normal and healthy. And when i do get intimate with my bf i will feel guilty or gross in the middle of it and i will literally stop feeling any pleasure. I also have a hard time at night when it becomes dark. My heart races and I will wake up every couple of hours in a panic. Granted this could be my ptsd from my brother but I do know it happened more frequently after my last high in April where I began thinking about my dad more. Also, there’s more context as to why his response triggered me. Back in middleschool I caught my older brother coming into my room late at night. The lights were off and I was sitting up. The hallway light was on and revealed just a silloutte. He touched my leg while he touched himself. I was frozen. My heart beating out of my chest. At first I couldn’t tell who it was but then realized it was my brother. In a panic I moved my leg and he ran out of my room. This was also on Christmas Eve which made the holiday so shitty. It was a whole long night and I ended up telling my parents about it. My mom was devastated and pissed off. She was protective of me and wanted to make sure I felt safe. But my dad’s reaction was different… he was quiet and had nothing to say. I remember explaining what had happened and I told my dad “at first I didn’t know who it was but I’m so sorry I could have ever thought it was you”. And I just remember his face he looked at the ground and started to cry. I remember thinking to myself “why isn’t he showing anger?” “Why isn’t he trying to knock the shit out of my brother”. Fast forward to my high flashbacks and my dad’s response, I began thinking more about how he responded to my brother’s situation. For those wondering my relationship with my brother now, it has taken many years to mend things. There had been a lot of anger from me but I feel in a much better place with him. What has helped is he has taken accountability and talks about it. He even brings it up to every now and then to check in. I know he feels a lot of guilt but has helped me is that he was never defensive or tried to gaslight me. He has apologized and has validated my feelings. And because he has done his part i feel more at ease. But with my father, there is non of that. No validation for my feelings or accountability for how he sexualizes women. I remember being worried for my friends to come over because I always felt he looked at them weird. I hated to wear make up around my father (still do). I envied hearing classmates talk about their fathers knowing they felt comfortable with them but I always felt uncomfortable. Whether my dad did something sexual to me or not, I still need to focus on the fact that these uncomfortable feelings with my dad exist and they do come from somewhere. There’s been other experiences with my father that makes me stay distant and uncomfortable. I remember being little and sitting on his lap bouncing up and down. I remember feeling aroused which was why I was bouncing but I didn’t understand it at the time. I remember my older brother was standing by us and he told my dad “dad isn’t that a little weird?”. And I remember my dad snapping back at him “No! It is not. Why would you assume something like that”. I also remember a time my brother told me he remembers when we were little, dad fell asleep with me in his arm (I was baby) and he remembered noticing dad had an erection. Not sure what to make of this but it does seem odd. Flash forward to within the past year. A couple of experiences happened. First one was I had gone into the living room to cuddle with my cat on the couch. I fell I was laying down on my side and had my eyes shut. My dad comes upstairs from his workout. I kept my eyes shut even tho I wasn’t asleep. He came into the living room and sat in the chair that faced me, my back to him. It was silent. I was terrified because not long before I had a dream he had pictures of me on his phone. So I laid complete still. With it being so quiet I heard shuffling. After sitting there for awhile I heard him stand up and it sounded like clothes shuffling like he was pulling his pants up. Then he walked to the kitchen. Why was there a pause for a few moments when he stood up? Why didn’t he just sit get up and walk to the kitchen what was the pause? Then literally just a few days ago, I woke up late in the night to my door opening. My ptsd definitely kicked in at this point my heart was pounding. But the window next to my bed revealed the reflection and it was mom. She put my weighted blanket on me and gave me a kiss and left. But she left the door open with the hallway light on so all night despite how tired I was, I stared at the reflection wondering if my dad would come in. I ended up falling asleep after the sun came up and the reflection was gone. But when I woke up I realized my breast were exposed from my blanket while my door was open (I don’t wear a bra to sleep). When I turned towards my door I saw my dad quickly wave at my like he was passing my door and just happened to see me as I was waking up. I tried to play it off like I was still tired and readjusting myself. I sat there trying to listen to any movement but when I initially saw my dad wave my heart was pounding. I felt I couldn’t breathe. I am so exhausted of constantly wondering if anything happened. So I ordered a house camera with night vision. When it comes I plan on hiding it in my room facing my door. I know I sound paranoid and I feel paranoid but I really just want answers. I am struggling mentally. Apart of me wants to move out already because of this but I also don’t want to leave my mom cuz I’m close to her. But it’s very hard to be in environment where you don’t feel safe. And being a full time college student with not much income, I am very dependent on my parents which makes the issue that much more challenging. And I also don’t want to build resentment and anger but that just happens to be the case :/ I am trying to listen to my intuition more and I don’t know how to trust it. So I feel a camera will put me at more ease so I can fall asleep without wondering if anything’s going to happen to me. For people who have read all of this, thank you. I am so sorry for anyone who is dealing with something similar. If I could leave one message with you it would be to never minimize your feelings even if others try to. Your feelings are valid and just because you may not have an answer, there are reasons for your feelings, listen to them and acknowledge them do not suppress them. Also, if people are comfortable I would love to support others who feel comfortable enough to share.

I was ran through before I even became a woman. I cant remember anything from my early childhood besides random snippets of conversations, arguments between my parents, and blurred pictures. I think now I finally understand why. It started when I was around 5 and lasted up until around 10. My grandma was a drug addict back then, and since no one else could watch me after school and on breaks, I was always with her. I loved her, I didnt understand her lifestyle at all and followed her just about anywhere I could. We always went on crazy adventures that, before today, I would look back on with a sort of nostalgic wonder. The memories were strange, almost like a book you would read in elementary school because thats how my brain processed all traumatic memories I think- they were altered into fairytales. One memory in particular, however, had no fairytale elements. A friend of my grandma's she always hung around was tall, I remember never being able to see his face- kind of like those old children's cartoons' portrayal of adults. He always had a stench to him and a slur in his speech. The first day I met him, I was wearing my favorite striped dress and my hair done in pigtails with red ballies. I was happy with myself that day, I got so many compliments, so many stares- but for some reason, only his stares and compliments terrified me. He was touchy, his breath was thick with alcohol and other substances ill never know the name of. He wasnt the only man who did this to me. I came into contact with many men after that, all just a drugged up and drunk as the last. If they harassed me, my grandma wouldn't care- she was probably under the influence of her own stuff. I vaguely remember some phrases- a man teaching me how to kiss with tongue, another man giving praise for using my mouth on him, and I never remembered any of it the next day. The acts I did, however, stuck with me. I would often touch myself and rub my private parts on things in my room, sucking on things that resembled genitalia. I was incredibly hypersexual, I even put my head down at school and "made out" on tables while having my pants pulled down from my hips and hump nothing. It's been affecting me ever sense, I dont know what to do. Every time an older man looks at me a dread thats almost paralyzing. I cant stand being touched anymore now that I remember, which im scared to convey because I've always been super touchy (not in an intimate way) with my friends- I dont know how to tell them. I zone out a lot, but now its more frequent and I'm scared it will get worst. Please, if you have any advice, share it. I cant let this ruin my life and it was so long ago.

I was in Mexico with my friends. I had been drinking heavily into the night. I was clearly intoxicated. A guy took me to his room and started kissing me. My body went into a state of shock. I couldn't stop him from doing anything to me. I couldn't speak. He kept doing things to me but I felt like I was disassociating from the situation. I did not want to engage in anything that was happening but I felt like I couldn't say no. Every bone in my body was saying no. I felt bad because he had been talking to me with my friend and I earlier into the night. I was sexually abused by my moms boyfriend multiple times at the age of 8 years old. This has played a large role into my life. It has made it impossible for me to say no to any man that has asked me for anything. I feel like this played a role as to why I froze and couldn't respond back. I'm confused on what happened to me. I think about that night everyday. I have nightmares about it. It makes me feel sick to my stomach. I feel guilty about it. I feel like it was my fault and I feel like I should have stopped it but I couldn't.