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Last year I was gang raped. I have an ear ringing called tinnitus that has not stopped since. I have nightmares. I flew with my mom to a wedding overseas. I was excited. She would be busy with her friends and cousin and I would get to spend time with my awesome second cousin who is two years older than me. After the rehearsal dinner we went out. It was fun because I was not legally able to drink there even though the age was lower than in my province, but they did not check ID’s. I did not drink much because it was not my thing and I had a boyfriend but I was able to go to some bars then a club attached to a hotel. So much fun up to when we met two soldiers in uniform who were cute and separated us from her friends because of our looks. My cousin is stunning beautiful. They had a private room at the club and several soldiers were there and two prostitutes also. Those prostitutes definitely hated us being there. I wanted to get out anyway and the cute ones that invited us acted like they understood and took us out of there. We stupidly let them take us to their hotel room where they totally dropped the cute romantic act and made us strip our clothes to music. They showed us a gun they had in a drawer. I was terrified. They made us lay on our stomachs bent over the bed side by side and had sex with us that way. They switched like we were interchangeable before finishing in us with no protection. We held hands. I was crying while my cousin was trying to be strong and cheer me up. We weren’t allowed to leave and our clothes were hidden. Before took our phones we had to text that we were staying at my cousin’s friend’s house. Then they called two other soldiers, one of them a huge tall dark guy with body builder muscles. He was the worst to me. They made us dance and then we had to use our mouths on the cute ones that had lured us there while the other two had sex with us. I vomited and my cousin cleaned it up but then it started again. They had cocaine and made us sniff it off their parts and sniffed it off us. Another one came and I think it was just those five during the night but they kept raping us and making us do things even when we would pass out. I would like to have been more unconscious but cocaine makes you so awake. I want to remember less and think about it all less. We showered many times. The big dark one peed on me and in my mouth the shower. He did it more than once like I was his toilet. The other men even had to tell him to chill out when he was making me scream liking his fingers and pushing them in my arse, but not when he made me crawl around like a dog using my hair as a leash. I remember one of them calling their friends to tell them to turn all their t.v.’s way up to hide the noise in our room. They watched sports news on the t.v. They had me and my cousin kiss each other and stuff. I could not act like it was a fun party like my cousin did sometimes and encouraged me to do. She tried to take some of their attention away from me over and over. I love her for it but they did not leave me alone. My chest is something they were obsessed with. They did not care that I was obviously distressed and freaking out or that in my country I was three years below the age of consent. There I was the minimum. We woke up in the morning on one the beds together with only the two soldiers sleeping on the floor. The black one was gone! They had sex with us again and another man who was much older and who they called SIR came in and had sex with both us but mostly me. They cheered him on and my head was pounding and I was crying and it seemed to last forever. Finally we got our clothes back but they took us for brunch wearing their normal clothes. They showed me pictures on their phones that made it look like I was having fun and warned us how bad it would be if we said anything different than we had a nice party. A nice party in hell! Before that I’d had sex with only my 1 boyfriend ever. One night of hell and now my number was seven!! We had to start getting ready for the wedding right away and I was exhausted. My cousin hid me and I took a nap in my dress, hair and makeup until the last minute. I cried in the ceremony but not for the wedding. I was so sore in my vagina, muscles, and brain that I got so drunk at the reception I barely remember any of it. Just part of being on the plane home. I told my mom the truth when I got back and she got all crazy, so did my dad, and they tried to call over there and the hotel and such but there was nothing the police would do. I saw my dad cry for the first time as I told the whole story. My boyfriend could not handle it and dumped me. I go to group and do therapy. I take a pill everyday and now benzo’s for break through anxiety. I try to hide my large chest under baggy clothes where before I used it for attention. STUPID! My cousin does not seem to have the trauma I do or the nightmares. In her country they are done with secondary school up to two years before us and are more treated like adults sooner. I said mean things to her once because of it. She forgave me but we talk much less since I asked if she has gang bangs all the time. I felt terrible because she even let them have anal sex with her to lure them away from me. I could tell it hurt her so much but at the time was just thinking about my own survival. My childhood is OVER but I do not feel like an adult. Her advice is -Don’t let it get you so down-. Like I have a choice in this!! She went to a therapist ONCE because her mom made the appointment and does not plan to go back. Her life did not really change!! She works reception at a tech company and models on the side and still goes to parties and clubs and dates. How??? It is unbelievable how attitudes toward something like this can be so different in different countries. I am a victim now and I usually feel like it. Definitely damaged. Everybody at my school knows why. I am THAT girl. My new more mature boyfriend is understanding but I feel like a sad little burden to him. I am hypersexual sometimes now and can’t help it. It is a coping mechanism that happens to some victims of sexual assault. I did not ask for it. I worry my boyfriend can’t trust me because of it. I had an older guy friend who’s been my neighbor for years take advantage of me after I told him the story of what happened at his house. We had sex and then he felt guilty for being turned on by my rape story. He admitted it and asked me to forgive him. The sex helped me calm the ear ringing for just short time periods so I did it with him more than once a day for a bit until my dad started to suspect something and talked to him. Since then I don’t trust myself. I want to marry my boyfriend in large part just to protect myself and show him I love him and am loyal even though I am not sure I can be. I worry I cannot love like a normal person. I worry I push him away being too needy and wanting to marry him so soon. I need him more than he needs me. Is that the way it will always be in relationships for rape victims??? I work hard at school not to ruin my future. It is so hard to focus. My ears ring constantly. Thank you for listening.

Iam a 33 year old with 3 children(2 boys and one girl) my first born son is from my previous relationship. I was a fresh graduate when i met this man that i currently have two kids with …i finished university expecting to get a job to support me and my then only son but each time i tried to look for jobs my husband discouraged me saying i would be exploited and given peanuts so to whom it was wise for me to sit home and be a wife i gave in and sat home but him satisfying my needs was always a fight i remember i asked for panties and bras for the last 6 years and nothing.everything he provides we must first have a fight and he knows so well i have no where to run to because he isolated me from my family. After moving in with him and my son he started treatung my son with so much anger he would beat,abuse and use vulgar words to him and he still does it he shows him that am not your father and only favors the kids i have with him. Mine i came with is not worthy of anything good. While i was pregnant for his son he was flirting with my sister and by this time i was not getting any financial help so i opted to go to my mothers rental and after sometime my sister disclosed to me the kind of husband i have when i confronted him about it he was too bitter and threatened to take my kids from me. When i was pregnant for my second child with him i got him with 15 girls flirting and sleeping around i was so devasted and almost lost my child due to stress i put my self together and let it go for my sake of my baby but i swore i was done with this man so i started not to pay too much attention on him and concentrated on raising my kids meanwhile i was caught up had no money of my own and had no relative in contact with i perservered and stayed to have a roof over our heads and to solicit food for my kids. I actually lost sexual appetite towards him for all the disgusting things he does behind my back but he would force me into sex and threaten not to provide if i ddt satisfy him a time came when he would rape me saying am his property and that i couldnt live without him since i dont have any money. It was all verbal violence until may this year 2024when i confronted him about cheating with my cousin and messages of him in a lodge with another girl that he grabbed me by the neck and strangled me and beat up that i started spitting blood..at this point i said to myself i should leave and start a new life i actually told him am leaving and he laughed at me saying u cant leave what are u gonna feed ur kids .i was packing whole day thinking to my self i cant fail to get where to stay but reality hit me and for sure i had no where to go so i unpacked my stuff and stayed its now months and months of sexual, financial,emotional and physical abuse but i dont know where to start with 3 children ive actually contemplated suicide so many times thinking it will ease the pain. Am in fear please advise me

At the tender age of 9 I was molested by a family member. This went on for 3 years. When I did mention it to my immediate family I broke down and was admitted to the hospital for a period of 48 hours. I was truly saddened and really felt alone. I carried this burden on for over 20 something years where afterwards I befriended someone that physically abused me. I ignored the red flags and in order to keep my children safe I told the perpetrator that I will stay. He would hit me in the back of my head many times to this day I have a small protruding disc in the back of my skull. The last incident when I knew that I couldn't take anymore and that my children would be safe is when he tried to throw me down my stairs after straddling me while choking me. I prayed and I asked God for strength. This was in Date. I found the strength to heal, seek therapy and start my own nonprofit (Nonprofit name) which serves Women and Children of domestic violence with temporary shelter, counseling, and 10-week trauma sessions. I now know my Worth and I know that I am a Woman that matters.

There was a lot of emotions happening in me that led up to the night it happened. I was struggling in my relationship, I was confused about God, I was angry at my friends who didn't include me in their get-together that day. So I drank a lot. I drank a lot of tequila, specifically, which I never do. I don't know the guy's name I went home with that night. I don't know what he looks like. I don't remember leaving the bar with him. I remember "coming-to" for just a minute, realizing I didn't know where I was, and trying to run out of the apartment before collapsing onto the floor in the hallway of the complex and crying. I woke up mostly naked and I was sore and bruised and still very drunk. I don't believe this guy forced himself upon me. I just didn't know what I was saying yes to in the moment, or even who I was saying yes to. I'm still working through the fact that it's not my fault that this happened; it's not his fault - I don't blame him at all, as he was extremely intoxicated as well. But I want other survivors with a story like mine to hear this: just because your story may not involve abuse, just because you were blackout drunk, does not mean that you don't deserve to be considered a survivor. Because you do. You're not alone. You're not alone. You are worthy, you are not damaged, you deserve love. Healing is not linear and it happens in small ways, but it does happen.

I've been psychologically abused by my mother since I was little. Because of this, I have a habit of always thinking about what she thinks, and I feel like I have no self because I'm so devoted to her. I work at a restaurant, but I'm exhausted from trying to avoid creating a bad atmosphere at work and making sure she doesn't dislike me, and even working is painful. I signed up for a dating app hoping to get away from my mother, but I've been taken advantage of and rejected constantly, and I can't see any hope for my life.

At the time, my sister and I were bathing with a man my mother had described as "the man who would become my father." My sister was probably only about three years old, so I don't think she remembers it, but the man made my sister wash his genitals. I suddenly remembered it recently, and I'm tormented by the thought that it might have been sexual abuse, and blaming myself for not protecting my sister. I want to disappear.

Last year, I was Lilly. The first time he shoved me down on the couch, the second time he threw me across the room into our daughters bouncer, the third time he broke his entire knuckle on my face causing two black eyes and my forehead to be three times its size. It only continued from there. I spent so many nights begging him to not kill me, he would me hold on the bed and try to suffocate me. He dragged me into the woods once, and grabbed me by my throat and threw me. After he broke his knuckle on my face, he took me to the store to get the make up to cover up my black eyes and we laughed about it. After every incident he would cry to me and tell me he didn’t want to be like this. I finally got out, you can too❤️

To me it happened about 7 years ago, I was going to sleep over at a friend and I never realized his true intentions till it was too late. I wasn't sexually active myself at the time, and my abuser was maybe a few months older. I remember being there a few months earlier and he wanted to watch porn, I was young and naive and had never really seen porn. Thinking back, this was just one big flashing warning sign. When it happened, I didn't fight back. I froze. And after I waited the longest night for the next morning. I don't know why I just didn't leave immediately, I don't know why I didn't fight back. The next morning I left as soon as I could, pretending everything's normal. Once I got home I took a shower and I just stood there without showing any emotions, like I was dead on the inside. I thought it through for a good amount of time, I thought about what happened, why it happened, what I will do to prevent it from happening again. I remembered him taking pictures and some other details. Once I stepped out of the shower I had my verdict, I was going to pretend nothing happened. I was afraid he would use the pictures as blackmail, I thought exposing him would end up hurting my parents and others I care about. I was able to live with this lie for about 4 years, mostly not feeling anything during this time. But at a certain point I started feeling anger and shame, I kept this bottled up for a long time. Eventually I burst and told my friends, sadly my friends did not believe me. This caused me to feel even more anger. A year after telling my friends the story came out that my abuser had abused another kid, who was 4 years younger. It was not only rape but the abused was under-aged whereas the abuser was not anymore. My friends read this and knew that what I told them was true, they immediately contacted me and forced me to go to the police and tell my parents. When telling my parents I could see my father was disappointed. The morning after they pretended like nothing happened. When I told the police I got sent home since they required a specialist that was specialized in sexual abuse. I tried to go back a few times and kept being sent home. Finally someone listened to my report. However the abuser only got removed as trainer for a young football team and had to clean up trash for a month or 2. It's a long story and I doubt many read it, the reason I decided to share it anyways is to give advice to the few that did read it. If you encountered anything similar to this, please report it to the police. You don't want to end up like me, blaming yourself for future victims of your abuser. I do not expect that after I shared this I will feel relieved, I do not expect to get a good night's sleeps after this. But if this helps even a single person, this will be worth it.

My story is very weird because my abuser was my own sister i was about 5 0r 6 when this was happening i only remember parts/vivd memories but i know this had to have gone on for a while because she would sometimes do things with the door open all 2 of my other sisters knew at that time she was 12/13 she tell me to go in her closet to take my clothes off and come out she would then get on top of me we would play a game like cops and robbers and she would ve the cop and id be the robber she would say things moan and i would sit there speechless after i would pretend nothing happened and go about my day one time she put toothpaste on her vagina and made me lick it off my sister oldest one knew and she asked me if i can do it to her to i said no i dont remember what happened after that i never really realized it was wrong until i started to watch shows and stuff but then i felt maybe i was imagining it but i wasnt i kept thinking about it and would cry i remeberd what the closet looked like how normal it felt and thats what disgusts me i never cried because i was so young and didnt realize ik you may think maybe it was house but no she made up a game thats how you know she knew what she was doing was wrong she disguised it so i wouldnt tell after i became hypersexual yes at 6/7 i would take pictures on my leap frog tablet of my butt i would do things with this girl i lived near (ps when we moved it stopped)but when i would go to my friend m house we wouldd ✂️ and it didnt feel wrong i know she approached me and i didn't feel bad or weird so i said yea ik another girl named t taught her t was also sexual for her age she was like 8 but me and my friend m only did it once and a year or 2 later when i started watching crime shows remembering it i tried to asked about it out of curiosity and she denied so i left it alone. I have a toxic mother so i will most likely never tell her me and my sister talk/communicate like nothing never happened she just had a baby but now when i see my sister i don't feel angry thats what makee me feel nasty like did i like it? I didnt but its hard to remember i think simce it happened so long ago i just dont feel for it but one day i will tell my story thank you for listening.

It was shortly after I had turned twenty when it happened. I had met him on a night out 1.5 years before while I was traveling and we had hit it off. He was the first guy I really really liked and to my 18 year old self it seemed like love at first sight. I had never experienced anything as intense before. We went on a date but nothing more than a goodnight kiss happened. After I went back home we periodically kept in touch. Come next year, and I flew back to visit a good friend of mine. He knew that I would be in town again and we made plans to catch up. As soon as we saw each other again all the butterflies came rushing back. We went to a bar, had some wine and a great conversation and everything seemed so easy and good. That night we slept together the first time. It also was my first time and I wanted it to be with him. He was gentle, caring and much more concerned about my wellbeing than his pleasure. He communicated constantly. He asked if I was okay. I fell asleep in his arms that night thinking how lucky I was. So I was completely blindsided for what happened the next time I slept at his place. He asked me if I wanted to come over to his apartment for a movie night and a sleepover. I was a bit hesitant to say yes. Not because I didn't want to see or be with him in general but because I had gotten my period a day or two before and I knew I didn't want to sleep with him during that time. But I didn't want to text him that, so I agreed and thought I would just let him know in person when it came to that point. (Did I mention I was super naive?) I was so sure that, even if a little disappointed, he would understand me. That it would be enough for him to just cuddle and be together. Especially after that first night it never even crossed my mind once that he might not respect my boundaries. But I was wrong. While watching the movie we had started kissing and making out a bit - all of which I was totally on board with. He had started to undress me and when I was just in my underwear I told him to pause. I explained to him that I was on my period and that I was sorry but I couldn't sleep with him that night because of that. He told me it didn't matter, that it wasn't weird or gross or anything like that. That it was normal. That it didn't bother him. Which was all nice and good but this wasn't about him. It was about me being uncomfortable and weirded out by the idea. Not to mention that I had just started being intimate with someone and period-sex was the absolute last thing on my mind I wanted to try out. So I kept saying "I don't know", "I'm not sure", "But it still feels weird..." and we dropped the conversation and went back to kissing. In my mind I had told him I didn't want to go further and that the matter was settled, even though I didn't outright say no again and I wasn't very firm in the way I was speaking. But maybe he thought I was reluctantly agreeing? Because just a few minutes later he was on top of me, asked me if I was "ready" and before I could even process what was happening he pushed himself inside of me. He didn't wait for an answer. I can't even recall him removing my slip or putting on a condom. I just froze. I couldn't move or speak. I didn't dare tell him that he had just pushed the tampon I was (obviously??) using inside of me and that I was in pain, because I was so ashamed. Somehow, I thought it was may responsibility to let him know beforehand and that I had neglected that responsibility. I prayed he didn't notice. My mind couldn't understand what was going on and how the situation could have taken such a turn in a matter of minutes. I couldn't for the life of me comprehend how that was the same person who had been so incredibly gentle and caring before. How was it possible that now he didn't look me in the eyes, kiss me or ask me if I was okay? How could he not notice that I wasn't making a sound or participating at all? Or was I just being overly sensitive? So I laid there and waited for it to be over, trying to hide my face from him because I wasn't sure what kind of emotion it was showing. After he was finished he threw away the condom and came back into bed. He gave me the same shirt to sleep in as he had done the last time. I was still in the same spot where he had left me. When he crawled under the blanket next to me I thought, no I hoped, that he would pull me close to him. That we would cuddle again until one of us fell asleep. I needed to feel some sense of normality. But instead, without saying a word, he turned me around so that I would face the wall instead of him. Then he went to sleep as if nothing had happened. I felt so used. So dirty. So empty. So hurt. Like a toy you could put back into its box after you were done playing with it. When he was asleep I tiptoed to the bathroom to clean myself up and quickly try to remove the tampon. Without the little string visible tho it was impossible to do that and I didn't want to take too much time in the bathroom as to not arise any suspicion. So I went back to bed and tried to fall asleep. The next morning I got back to my friends apartment and she asked me how it was. I smiled. I said it was a great night. I told her about my little tampon predicament without mentioning how exactly it came to that and made fun of myself. I joked about how awkward of a trip to an Obgyn that would be. We laughed about it. Eventually I got it out myself. Over the next weeks I saw him again a few times in group settings. We were super weird and awkward around each other. I hoped we would return back to normal. I still had feelings for him and I wanted him to like and want me too. But we never got back to how it was before and eventually our situationship faded out and left me feeling conflicted and confused. But still I told myself over and over again that what had happened that night wasn't that big of a deal and that it was just a bad experience, like everyone has from time to time. That it was a case of miscommunication. That he didn't mean to overstep my boundaries. It took me over two years to question this self-created narrative. Then it took another year to finally and truly admit to myself that that night wasn't consensual. He didn't need to use any force or threat for it to be wrong. Even if it didn't fit the descriptions of SA that I was taught, I knew that something happened that should't have. It was freaking painful to realise. And still I felt like somehow I didn't have the right to feel that affected by what had happened. It wasn't a clear cut situation. It was more like this grey area and I didn't know where to place my experience. But maybe it doesn't need a specific category to still count. It's been over 5 years since it happened and I only really started my healing journey about fifteen months ago. I'm still not completely over the feelings of shame, guilt, betrayal, confusion and anger. Often I still feel numb and detached. But there are good phases as well. I just need to get to a point where this event doesn't dictate my life anymore. Where the memory is only an interruption of the good times and not the other way around. A few months ago I told a friend of mine. Her understanding and support helped in more ways than I thought. It was frightening to open myself up to someone but now I'm glad I did. My next step will be to start therapy. I'll close that chapter and move on with my life. And then I'll see where to go from there.

For years I questioned what I was doing wrong and how someone who loved me could be so comfortable hurting me. But they didn’t hit me so I never looked at it as DV or myself as a victim. Through different type of relationships, it was a revolving door, but they didn’t hit me so I wasn’t a victim. Until my last relationship. In 3 1/2 years, he put his hands on me once, but if I had just let him leave, he wouldn’t have done it. For the longest time, he was planting it into my head that I was the issue. The good times were really good so I overlooked the bad cause I loved him more than I loved myself in that moment. The way he loved my kids (who were not his) also kept me around for a lot longer than I should have. I planned a life with him in my head cause he was helping raise kids that weren’t his so he must be an amazing man to step up, until he started lacking. Then I realizing me being unhappy with him, was hurting my kids more than I knew. He made me believe that I was so “mentally unstable” no one would ever love me & that being 6ft down in a grave was the only way I was going to be able to get away from him. Then I left & I was so proud of myself. I started doing intensive therapy & working on myself & then the thoughts he planted in my head came back. “No one could ever love you the way I do because I was there for you in your lowest” & I broke the no contact & let him back in. Things were good at first, and then he would shove the past in my face & tell me how much he hated me & the verbal & mental abuse cycle began again. But this time, I knew better. I found out about mental & physical abuse, I did research, I was in groups & I was learning to love myself again. I had boundaries for the first time in a long time. And then I found out about the cheating a year prior while he was living at my house & the summer of the downward spiral had begun. I blocked him again & was so depressed, I began drowning it with alcohol. I felt my heart just break as this man had spent so much time accusing me of cheating while I was working to support my kids, just for him to turn around & do it to me. I almost lost everything & it took me losing 1 of my jobs to finally get back on track. I stopped drinking for a while, I found a better job, I spent more time with my kids & began re-evaluating what made me happy in life. I re-discovered my healthy boundaries, I was working more, I was laughing again & generally meaning it. I started talking to my friends about my feelings & where I was in life. For a year, things were going better (there’s always going to be the ups & downs but it was better). And then the 1 year of me blocking had come up & I caved & unblocked him on his birthday. At first it was to be petty, and then I found out he was seeing someone. I played it like I didn’t know anything, we hung out a few times & then the old him came out again but this time, I was in a better place & I knew what to accept & what to correct. I finally seen him being in my life was not good for me mentally & as much as I miss the him he pretended to be when we first met, I am learning to mourn the person who never existed. I don’t want to call him for every little thing anymore (good or bad). He doesn’t get access to me or my kids life anymore & I love the strong, independent female I am becoming. I’m so proud of the scars I’m healing & acknowledging that I’m human & I am going to have weak days that I might want to message him & I’m taking it 1 day at a time. Going from planning a future & a life with someone you thought was them to mourning someone who never actually existed is something most people will never understand (& I hope they never have too). Some days are easier than others & it’s ok to get lost as long as you find your way back to the track. I am strong because I have no other choice but I’m learning it’s ok to have weak days & I don’t always have to be so strong. Cry, scream, punching a pillow is healthy ways to let all of that out. I’m not perfect & I don’t have to be but I will be there for others going through this & let them know they’re not alone, it’s not their fault & they are very so much loved

I think I may have been a victim of sexual abuse when i was a child. I still have clear memories of what happened. I'm not sure if what my brain thinks is due to it but, I constantly think of sex and need to masterbate most of the time. I also tend to find older men attractive. I'm not sure what to think of this and would like help explaining, since I've been exposed to sexual content from a young age and still constantly have the thoughts in my mind.

I was only 7. So was he. He watched porn that his dad had his before his mom left him for my dad. He had a younger sister. One day he and I were outside and he asks me something, something my brain refuses to remember. I was so unsure, so confused on why he was suggesting us young kids to do adult activities. I visited my dad’s every other weekend, my mom was a terrible parent. I remember he suggested we started small since I was uncomfortable, I thought he was being sweet, but I was always uncomfortable. We started out just poking each other, then he fully went for it. I didn’t want it. I really didn’t. He was supposed to be like a brother to me. After he started to progress, he would do it any chance he got, any time we were alone. Years later, his mom and my dad broke up, our house caught fire so I had to live over there for a bit. He didn’t touch me. Not anymore, he wouldn’t look at me. But his sister began to touch me, I had to teach her that what her brother had done to me was not okay. I had to explain to a child that she was violating me. Now I’ve had many more troubling sexual encounters, I’m an adult and go to therapy, I still don’t like my body.

The shadows that danced in my childhood bedroom, the chilling whispers that replaced lullabies - they both had carved away my innocence, leaving me a hollow vessel. I awoke each morning with a startled flinch, the sun a harsh reminder of the memories that clung like cobwebs to my soul. My name, once a strong melody, now echoed in the silent chambers of my trauma. I dared not speak it, fearing it would summon the past, its claws still scraping at my soul. I cloaked myself in anonymity, a shield against a world that had failed to protect me. Days bled into weeks. My existence being a monotonous grey painting my existence. The laughter of children, a foreign language, mocked the joy I had lost. Yet, in the quiet whispers of the wind and the sun's gentle touch, I found a flicker of life. With each inhalation, a tentative step back into the world, each exhalation, a shard of stolen innocence released. One day, a crimson butterfly, a splash of defiance against the grey, alighted on my palm. Its fragile beauty, a testament to resilience. It whispered a promise of hope. My eyes, cleansed by tears, began to see the world anew. The chirping of sparrows became a symphony, the rustle of leaves, a comforting rhythm. My hands, once small and nimble, were now knotted claws, permanently clenched against the echoes of fear. Each step felt like navigating a minefield, the world a treacherous landscape littered with triggers. Sunlight felt like acid on skin, laughter a jarring symphony of mocking bells. Sleep, when it came, was a haunted slumber, a descent into the abyss of the past. My voice, still raw, spoke of the shadows. Not to blame, but to share the burden, to warn, to heal. The scars remained, etched deep, but they were no longer chains, but reminders. Reminders of my strength, my unwavering will to reclaim myself. I was not a victim. I was a survivor, a warrior, an artist with a palette of hope. I didn't need a name, not yet. I was a whisper in the wind, a melody in the rain, a butterfly with wings of fire. I was a boy who found forgiveness, not for the one who stole his childhood, but for himself. I Weathered the storm and painted the world anew. I was Hope itself, a beacon in the darkness, a boy who bloomed from ashes.

It took 10 years of emotional, physical and financial abuse from a narcissistic man to realize that I stayed because it felt normal. My childhood wasn’t a healthy environment. So when I met my ex his avoidant and violent nature felt right. The gaslighting and love bombing were so common in my childhood home, I didn’t see the red flags when they popped up. Today I’m still struggling with imposter syndrome. How much of it was real affection? How much was more manipulation and lies? I wanted to share this, because sometimes I need to be validated that it all did happen, it wasn’t a fever dream. So I hope this helps someone out there. You’re not alone. What you’re feeling is valid. It’s scary and confusing at first, but it gets so much better. One day at a time. One small healthy decision at a time. It’s not gonna get better overnight, it will take a while. It’s been 1 year since we split, 2 months since the divorce. I’m taking my time to reset my nervous system and figure out who I am, without his narrative over me. You are loved.

They were a doctor, I was their patient. I consented to the ‘examination’, but not in full knowledge of what it would entail. It was a degrading and humiliating experience being ‘examined’...I didn’t know how these things should go, but knew it shouldn’t have been like that. It’s taken a toll, I carry a lot of shame and fear. I’m not even sure how to label the experience, but I’m trying to move forward.

It’s been 4 years since I was first sexually assaulted. It started the first week of my internship at company in June 2018. At 19, I landed my dream job and was living outside of driving distance from home for the first time. A college friend and mentor introduced me to a full time employee buddy of his at company’s PRIDE parade float in city. I remember feeling on top of the world and a sense of belonging and safety when they announced “Next is city’s very own pride and joy, company - company mission statement”. I had a lot in common with him and was blissfully marching with the powerful couple hundred of our trusted colleagues and mutual friends. Just as we were drilled at orientation to take advantage of, I took up his offer to have a networking meal. He claimed he lived nearby and walked me home. Feeling an onset of grogginess, I said goodbye and saw him walk away as I closed the door. An unknown time later, I suddenly felt like my whole body was experiencing heartburn - as if a building sunk into me during an earthquake. I discovered much later that I had been drugged and he must have held the door and sneaked back in. From the stagnated .5x speed vision I had in the weak light through the window shades, I realized that he was on top of me. My arms were pinned down so violently that my shoulders should have dislocated. The chokehold could have killed me when I fought back with every fiber. I vividly remember how I used muscles and bones in my body I didn’t even know existed. With the little brain power and drugged brain cells I had functioning, I called my partner at the time, but it was dawn and went to voicemail. I put pillows between the assaulter and me and my mind went blank. The next morning, I woke up alone and thought it was all a nightmare. I got a text from him saying he left his laptop with me and he’ll be in the lobby soon. I confronted him in person and asked what happened last night. He vehemently denied everything and said he was drunk. I was still in shock but managed to get to the office. He then texted me saying “I could never hurt a sweet girl like you. I know you felt something between us. Don’t let this ruin Indian guys for you.” Just as he intended, I doubted myself and replayed every dialogue in my head to identify any “mistakes or signals” I sent. However, I only remembered emphasizing how happy I was with my partner. At work, my 1 week old colleague turned lifesaver friend pulled me into a team room when they saw me in distress. They persuaded me to speak up and immediately took measures to contact HR. In that moment, I thought “Wow, I’m ahead of the curve here by reporting it asap. Most women I’ve seen in movies/news don’t until it’s too late. I think I’m going to get justice… this is all going to be okay.” I was so far from the truth. Speaking up felt like a cruel and unusual punishment. It dug my coffin deep into the earth's core and this deeply messed me up for years. I painfully explained what happened end to end 3 times before I had to in front of 2 lawyers. One neutral faced man and one stone cold faced woman. This experience made me wish I had never opened my mouth. I was asked where his penis touched me, how erect it was, what measurements it was, did he ejaculate, what was its temperature, draw the room layout and your positions on the whiteboard. The last question was “Were you roofied?” I couldn’t fathom what that meant, so I said no. How could I possibly separate an unknown substance from shock, hurt, and trying to place my body being violated. I was barely of legal age. The human mind (and date rape drugs) work in a funny way - I can only imagine what more memories will unlock as I continue to heal. Over the years, my emotions shifted to anger against the vile monsters at Company Department. They cared about their company alone. Why didn’t they have a process that protected me in place? If they had me tested, if they took pictures of my wounds, things would be different. They strung me along for 3 months after I followed up several times - living in fear. In between, I saw him in my cafeteria for 1 second and I physically felt my heart drop to the ground. On the last day of my internship, they called me in and said “Your stories match up until the end. We’re telling you this only because you can look it up in the company directory, but he still works here.” After dodging my questions for 5 min, I’m speechless and decide to lock this away and focus on some of the good that happened to me that summer. I went to an intern party that last night and saw him. I immediately wanted to get out but my friend said he should be the one to leave, given that he’s preying on underage interns once again. He refused when we told the host to remove him. Then, my friend personally went to tell him to leave. These 20 min alone were the most horrifying of my life. I felt like I was in a horror movie. Every footstep I heard, I thought it was the end. I would be trapped if I went in the elevator or stairwell. When my friend returned, they heavy heartedly said it did not go well. He mentioned he got a slap on the wrist for giving underage interns alcohol and called me a liar, while simultaneously mentioning details of the night he claimed to not know in front of HR. I ended up telling my manager, recruiters, and received a very generic email back from the Head of University Recruiting - name, who’d been there over a decade. I was asked to have a call with someone who reports directly to the EVP of HR- employee name, but nothing happened to my knowledge. 1 year later, while my world had turned upside down, I looked up the assaulter and he has a bigger better job at company 2. I used to thank God I had my clothes on. But to some people I told, they emitted a high octave “oh!”, a sigh of relief, and relaxed their shoulders. This immediately crushed me and slowly, silently fucked me up. When those “worse” things did happen to me, I subconsciously put them aside. All harassment and assault hurt the same. Pain is not meant to be compared. A seemingly simple compliment from a “big brother” turned creepy man or reliable colleague can have you feeling violated beyond means. ` If you’re wondering why I ever returned to company, a big reason is that I didn’t want this to uproot my life. I didn’t want my career to be derailed by one event one day. I wanted to be bigger than him. I had no idea the implications this would have. I had no idea I would try to change the ending and put myself in danger for years to come. I could not process my feelings properly nor did I have the professional support to. I was so elated by the corporate bells and whistles and thought they had to have my back, or at least be afraid of me going public. However, I was most likely a repetitive case in their stack. I saw women CEOs, founders, politicians, and my biggest role model with the best legal team be treated the same way and I thought “How could a nobody like me deserve the time of day, justice or attention then?” The road since 4 years ago has been everything but that. A topsy turvy bewitched track where you fall at a carefully calculated turn and regenerate when you jump. Something of a mind boggling equation that looks cyclic, but reveals an uphill graph when you zoom out. I knew this day would come where I’d be ready to share a snippet and here’s to the days ahead. May they have clarity, light, love, healing, and joy. No, I can’t find that forever peace. But, I’m getting stronger with every incident. I’m a survivor for the rest of my life. That’s not a scarlet letter. It’s awareness at its finest. Being present takes you forward. Afloat, ready to be triggered and not okay at any given time. This is my newfound superpower. My livelihood is not being a victim. It’s joy, colors, kindness, and empathy.

Do you think what I went through was harassment, I didn't ask for the attention, I just wanted the job. I reported this to the H.R. Department and was laughed at and the next day at work was mocked and got smirks and leers from fellow coworkers to where it just made me walk out and quit. I'm male and I only lasted nine weeks at a new job in a warehouse and within the first week my veteran female supervisor of 24 years in her position ( 5 years here ) and i started talking about how we both use to work at the same company at different times and how working at this new company was a refreshing and relaxed change and while we were talking, she started rubbing the middle of my back straight up and down with her hand and that's the day that it started. After that she has come up from behind me 3 different times and put both her hands around my neck for making a data entry mistake, patted me on the back as she walked by me, and started bumping her hand on my thigh to talk to me. She's asked me to dance with her in the warehouse in front of coworkers and even asked if i was going to whip her one day when my belt broke loose while putting boxes on a skid for inventory. When i was putting boxes on a skid one day the bottom of a box broke open letting glass bottles break on the floor and when she seen it, she told me to come over to her, so i did and she playfully slapped me. This last time i was bubble wrapping glass bottles for protection for shipping and i had a large roll of bubble wrap at my feet on the floor i was using and she came over to help on the other side of the roller conveyor and looked at me and said gimme some, so when i started to bend down to get her the bubble wrap, she said to me, If you think I'm going anywhere near down there to get the bubble wrap from you, your crazy, well, i didn't say anything to her but, just looked at her confused and was saying to myself, i wasn't expecting you to go down at my feet to get the bubble wrap but, i felt she was implying something else, maybe I'm wrong.

I was bullied for months by a number of popular boys. I felt like my voice was not worthy of listening. I endured most days of repeated sexual harassment, I was afraid of walking in hallways and going to the bathroom alone where they often followed me. I felt completely alone and ashamed, I was often ridiculed by female teachers for "asking for it" or harassed further by older male teachers. this was many years ago, in junior high but, it has definitely taken its' tole in the way I see myself and others.

This is the first time I am really telling my story and what happened to me. I was 6 years old and my abuser was 2 years older than me and briefly in the same Organization Group as me. It started off normal, we would hang out, play video games, play Barbie’s, etc. eventually though, and I’m not exactly sure when, she started to talk to me and coerce me into many different sexual activities. It went on for nearly 2 years and there were times when she would call and ask my mom if I could come over because she knew my mom wouldn’t say no. Then she would abuse me for most of the stay. She would assure me that my parents would be furious if they knew (I knew they would be) so I never told anyone. I just wanted this person who I perceived as cool to like me so I kept going along with whatever she said. I am now almost 30 years old and am speaking about this for the first time. I have struggled so much with whether or not I was a victim, if it was just normal curiosity, if anyone would even take it seriously or if it would be shrugged off as “kids being kids”. It has caused me so much pain in my life, but I am trying to do the work to process and let go of the guilt