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You Are Not Alone You are not alone. So many of us had so much taken from us by people who put pleasing their basal urges over our sanity. For their moments of bliss and dominance we suffer. We blame ourselves for their sickness. THEIR pathology. There is an army of us. That is what these stories teach us. They show us we are legion. We are strong. Our psychological reactions of fear, mistrust, hatred are not crazy. They are normal. It is also normal, but not easy, to climb out the darkness together. I grew up in a large low income black of flats that was like a village. My mum worked and we went about by ourselves. In the winter we were never expected to be seen if we left. We were in some flat mucking about with some kids or neighbor, and it all worked out fine. I did lose my virginity when I was eleven to a friend of my older brother who was in year ten. But that was no bother because it was not uncommon there, sadly. I am half Brazilian on my absent father’s side and was considered quite exotic and fit. My secondary sexual characteristics developed early. I was reasonably careful and in control. True abuse began years later when we moved out to a proper house with HIM. HE was my mom’s dream man. HE was fit for a middle-aged man. By that time my brother wasn’t with us because he took work in Alaska on a fishing boat. HE was ex-Army and seemed like a good man at first. I was a bit of trouble maker and over-cheeky and my mom gave HIM carte blanche to discipline me like father. We weren’t there the length of a full season when HE started treating me like a tart. The spanking part mom knew about and thought it was funny, even with me being fifteen. HE spanked my bare bum even when she was home. She said I’d always needed a man’s hand to block of my rough edges. It was cringe, humiliating, but nothing compared to what HE did when mum was away. Not to get detailed, HE soon got to a point where I was going to get HIS load whenever there was the chance. Since HE got to set my schedule he made sure there were regular chances. It was my HELL and HE was the Prince of Darkness. He was rough but careful not to leave any marks. Unless time was short I had to shower first. Sometimes after there would be something specific sitting out to wear, like a costume or lingerie, or my netball kit. The grating anticipation of what was going to follow was the real torture. HE would tell me to “Pick a hole”. My holes! My foof was one, my mouth was two, and you’d think I would never select three. But you’d be wrong. I hated HIM. I am very sensitive sexually and if I went with one I looked like I loved it and if I chose two I was doing work to please HIM. Three was the way I could shut down and brace myself without him ever seeing me smile, even if I was facing toward him. When I was strong with hatred I would choose three. I compartmentalized that small but brutal part of my life for my mum. If was a mere thirty to one hundred twenty minutes per a week of 10080 minutes. And I saw no other way then. Mum, for the first time was living a happy life. I could have won a BAFTA for how I seemed so cozy and content for her. It gutted me that my fear of upsetting HIM made it appear that HE had smoothed out my rough edges and made me into a proper lady. I kept my marks up and stayed on the netball team in spite of being the shortest. I kept going. I developed a habit of stabbing mechanical pencil tips into my skin and biting my nailbeds to illicit pain. I had one boyfriend for a short time. I went to the dances. Home was my hell so I did everything HE would allow to be anywhere else. I could not work but he made my mum keep her job so he could have me. My birthdays I would get my way of having a just girls’ night out with mum. There were only two birthdays before I got free of him. College cost 1000 pounds and when HE paid it HE did not know I was not going to be his tart anymore. I had a friend with a home much closer to my school. They had spare bedroom because an older sibling had moved out. Being seventeen, HE couldn’t force me to live with them if I had other safe accommodations. I took employment and paid the meager rent. He got me one more time when I was sleeping back at his house on Christmas eve. Probably drugged mum to keep her sleeping. I made sure he never got a chance again. Through my Portuguese class I met a man who lived in Portugal and invited me to come stay with him as long as I wanted rent free. I finished one year of sixth form and went to Portugal. I had fleeting relations with the man I stayed with but he traveled often we both had our own things. I worked at an American-themed restaurant as a server then. I spoke with my mum on the phone most days. She visited once, with HIM. I missed her and tried not to show much of my sorrow about being forced apart from her. Seeing HIM was horrendous, yet I kept it contained inside like a cancer. It helped solidify my decision. I traveled with a friend to Florida and got a job serving in a posh restaurant. I applied for a work VISA and on my second try I got it. I am thirty-eight now. Only three years ago did I confront my demons because I read online stories about other abuse survivors. It opened up a deep wound so I could start to heal. It was and still is hard work and an ongoing process. I confessed to my mum who had split with HIM after years of her own abuse that she also kept hidden. HE had let her go when she started having health problems, showing his true black heart. She lives with my brother and his family. I regret losing years with mum and my brother and being chased away from my home when I was young but it made me stronger. I have never married but I have a loving partner, two dogs and I speak three languages. I am a physical trainer and work near the beach where I go to meditate and body surf. Our journeys and stories are individual but we are in this together. Worldwide. You are not alone in carrying the pain and the shame and the fear and the flashbacks! Even if you are in the dark, start toward a path that looks like others are using to try to climb out. Use the resources, even if just right there on your computer, and build from there. Just start and keep climbing, especially when it seems too hard.

I was used by my brother who has grown up a lot but I still carry scars. My brother is four years older than me and when I was going from elementary school to Junior high, that summer, he made me think that girls in junior high need to know how to give oral to boys. First he did oral to me to show me it was not a big deal. I thought it was a huge deal. But I did it and he got me trained and had me keep it a secret, except from by best friend. He had his friend over when I had a sleepover one night and had her do it to his friend. Then they would have us do contests where they wear blindfolds. At least I was not alone then. It changed me even though seventh grade itself had nothing to do with anything like that. It was a lie to get pleasure from me. My brother still had me doing it at home. And sometimes he would do it to me and I did climax. So I had this weird secret sex life and felt really messed up about it. Then in eight grade I had my first real boyfriend. My parents are so strict, even though they both worked and left me alone with my brother. To go to the movies with my boyfriend they made sure it was with a group and took me there and waited outside the theater. Well one time when we went to see Snow White and the Huntsman my same BFF and me went through with our plan to go down on our guys in the last row of the theater and we did it. It was only a month later I started having sex with him which never would have happened if not for what my brother had done. We snuck out from her place during a sleepover and met the boys outside and went to the nearby park and did it in the grass. That was my virginity. The really bad event, where my life got knocked off the tracks, is when we tried it from my house, sneaking out the window and going just out farther into my big back yard that opened into nothing but the side of a big hill and my dad caught us. It was awful. The world ended. I was treated like a huge betrayer and almost all my privileges were revoked and essentially I was grounded without any end date. And still by brother would make me do the oral. I was broken hearted because I was not allowed to have my boyfriend to the point my parents made me go to the school and talk to the principal and vice principal and they made sure I would not have any chance to ever see him alone. And my brother kept creeping in at night sometimes or when we were left alone expecting me to do what he had trained me to be used to. The next really bad part was two months into my new restricted life. My brother started doing his oral on me one afternoon after school and decided to take it farther and got up and started kissing me and had sex with me. I was in the moment and did not do anything to stop him and even participated. No condom. It was an afternoon when my parents were away and so we did not have to keep quiet or worry and he did it so much longer than my few times with my boyfriend, because he was older and knew more from being with other girls that I got sore for my first time and got a urine infection. I did not eat my dinner that night and pretended to be sick and cried myself to sleep. My brother really wanted to do it again, telling me it was the best sex he ever had, but I refused and one thing I could say for him back then was at least he was not a rapist. Even though he pressured me he never tried to force himself inside me. Four months after I had lost my incest virginity the school year ended and he graduated. I went to high school and he moved out to live in college dorms 120 miles from our home town. Public school was over for me, as was planned as soon as my dad caught me on the hill. I went to an all girl’s Catholic high school. My dad had to drive me a half hour every morning and my mom picked me up from my whole first year. Then they got me a car so I could drive myself but the mileage and my times were closely monitored. I did not have an intercourse throughout high school but seven times total I did oral on my brother during summer and winter breaks when we were both at home. That was the end of incest in my life. I went to college in Atlanta but not the same one as my brother. I rebelled against my parents and even though they tried to keep control, as a legal adult I did not let them. Turmoil and sadness lasted months until they finally got it. I separated from them financial and worked and took out student loans. I was very promiscuous in college. I drank, partied and used drugs recreationally and had several guys I was seeing on and off for mostly sex. That was my life and I thought I enjoyed it at the time. I became stronger and more assertive and when my brother first hinted during a Thanksgiving meeting at our relative’s house that we go for a drive I told him I never wanted to touch him again in such a powerful way that he knew I was off limits and even seemed like the scared one in our relationship. I didn’t enroll in classes for two nonconsecutive semester just because my party life was so much more fun. I traveled on and off. Sometimes with friends, sometimes with men, usually older, who invited me to exotic places. The Maldives, Portugal, The Virgin Islands. I let my married boss use me for a weekend in Key West. I had an affair with my Spanish teacher, who only took me as far as Panama City, Florida. So many risky one night stands. My identity was that I was not looking for anything permanent, a child of the universe. While I was used as a plaything so many times and believed I liked the game. I would tell them things about wanting to make their dick happy and stuff that would inflate their ego. I’m sure there are so many text messages out there that they saved about the size of their D fitting in my little P, about being a little girl wanting them to teach me to be woman and other depraved fantasies I thought they wanted to hear. Obviously directly related to what my brother did to me. I am almost positive I avoided being raped more than once by going with the flow when I did not expect to or probably want to. It may be good that some of them I probably don’t remember. Once was at one of the few fraternity parties I ever went to. It was three guys, not my usual style. Once was with my roommate's father who was visiting her at our rented house and found his way to my bed in the early morning. One of the more extreme traumatic events was with a police officer who pulled me over for driving when I had been drinking but was under the legal limit on his breathalyzer. He followed me home, like a mile away, “for my safety” and even followed me inside. I was in an apartment then and I thought my roomate was home and told him so. But when she wasn’t there he said I lied to a police officer and he had to do a more thorough search if I wanted to avoid being arrested. He was not attractive or nice. He had a gun thought he never took it out. You can guess what happened. I finally shed that wild life during my second to last semester when I saw the end of college coming. My G.P.A was 3.3. and my major was philosophy and it dawned on me that the future was not bright in terms of what I would do or how I would pay back my loans. I buckled down and decided to change. I had an offer to strip and ‘make a lot of money’ but thankfully not only did never considered myself like that, but when I went with a friend for her interview and they tried to recruit me they were so sleazy we both ran out of there disgusted. I reevaluated my whole life. I considered ending it, but some survival mechanism did not allow it. I did not want to be the person I had been for a few years. I looked ahead and saw it was not sustainable as I aged and had no real love or stability. I quit serving when I got an offer to work in a legal office. I slept with the manager who hired me as a receptionist but it was a drop in the bucket of things to be shameful of. He was the last one like that. I got all A’s and graduated cum laude. I got promoted in the firm mostly by title but used it to spring away and take a lower paying job in a nonprofit law firm where I had not slept with anyone. There I did sleep with a lawyer but I am married to him still and my life is back together. I love him and he loves me. He does not know the extent of my sluttiness in college or about my brother and I doubt he ever will. That darkness is fading and it is not part of my life now. It is not who I am. As for my brother, he has a family now and we are on good terms. We did talk about it once while I was studying like crazy my senior year, although it was not a big deep talk. I did mention that he used me, he apologized, we hugged, and that was it. Not the cathartic confrontation some might expect. My catharsis is my husband, and my life now that I am grateful for. We adopted two toddler brothers and I am their mom. Maybe we’ll have one of our own. Maybe we’ll adopt again. I was used and introduced to sex too young and early and it strained my relationship with my parents for a long time and I’ll never get that back. It derailed my life. I was set adrift for a while but God or the universe or random luck finally put me in a good place. Everything that happened led me what I have now. I can’t say I never contemplated suicide in darker times. But like in the move Cast Away, if I may quote, “I stayed alive. I kept breathing. And one day my logic was proven all wrong because the tide came in, and gave me a sail. And now, here I am.” Thousands of hours spent studying philosophy and I quote a movie that was not even based on a book. But it’s perfect.

As an only child, I had no one to look up to really as a kid. But I always looked up to my Dad. Even though he was never really around due to work (although Mam worked more than he did and still found lots of time to spend with me), I still idolised him. He was my hero. He would always say 'Dads know everything - remember that', so lying to my dad (even little white lies) were pointless. Though when I hit 13 I began to realise he actually DID know everything. He knew what myself and my friends would talk about, he would know exactly where I was and who I was with without even needing to ask me, and I would always wonder why. In reality he had my phone tracked and could read all my messages. Now that I have been through the court system and he has been imprisoned for the abuse he inflicted upon me, I can confirm that he was in fact grooming me from the age of 13. About a month after my 18th Birthday, began the horrific 7.5 year abuse that I suffered. My Dad, masked for the first 2 years as a stranger, blackmailed me into performing sexual acts with strange men in our home - the one place I should've felt safe. When I finally realised it was him, I couldn't tell you how it then turned into just open ended abuse and rape from him. He would advertise us as a couple on hook up sites and in order to avoid physical beatings I would go along with it. I feared for my life so much that endless rapes and sexual assaults were easier - imagine that being the easiest choice - until you're in it, you just don't know how you'll react. I stopped going out, I gave up my hobbies, whilst in college I gave up my part time job - he controlled every single part of my life. And if I even let my "everything is rosey' mask slip even for a second, especially in front of my Mam, well it just doesn't bear thinking about. Fortunately for me, once Mam did find out, he was gone out of my life within 30 mins. Unfortunately, he went on to groom and abuse others after that. He was convicted, and is currently serving his prison sentence - but the fear of him stilll remains.

I’m sharing here because I hope I can reach out to other women who may have gone through marital rape or may still be going through it and I want you to know you are not alone. For years I felt as if I was asleep as I couldn’t face up to what was happening to me, why I was losing weight and why I so depressed. I minimised everything, even to him. I would try and make him feel better afterwards. Most of the time it was as simple as me saying no to sex and him doing it anyway while I was completely disconnected, and it was so often, I would lie there and wait til he was done most of the time, but each thing built up to him pushing the boundaries further, sometimes when we were out in public, always after I went out with my friends, it was part of the deal. I always told myself he’d be in better form if I just went along with it. He was always so stressed and so angry. And I loved him and sometimes I enjoyed sex with him. It made things very confusing in my head. And I was eating barely anything, which he encouraged, he was constantly buying me exercise equipment and sexy outfits. I kept getting sick, I was tired and low all the time. My family and friends were saying I wasn’t myself. There were 3 incidents that I play over and over in my head that I couldn’t minimise (although I tried). And they led to me telling him our marriage was over. That was a year ago. I thought it might help me to write one of them down and maybe someone will identify with me and it might help them. It was at his best friends wedding and as usual, he wanted us to do something exciting sexually. So we went to the men’s toilets. We were kissing and we started to have sex. I was quite drunk. All of a sudden he turned me around and bent me over the toilet, my hands on the window sill. I started to say no. It came out in what sounded like a little girls voice. I don’t know why I remember that so well. I don’t know why I didn’t shout. He raped me anally in the men’s cubicle and I was crying looking at a dirty window sill and I could hear strange men outside commenting. Afterwards I kept asking why did you do that, I didn’t want that, it hurt me, you were too rough, I said no. But he he didn’t want to talk about it. He left me sitting with one of his male friends that I didn’t know to go outside with his best friend and have cigars. He saw I was in pain and bleeding for days after. I stayed with him for years after that. Other things happened after that too. I ended up feeling like his stress ball, a rag doll, good for nothing else. I was with him since I was 18 years old and we have children together. He was all I knew. He was my husband and I loved him. No one knew what was happening. Everyone thought we were a couple in love. It wasn’t until I told him I couldn’t share a bed with him anymore and I was starting ti have panic attacks that we went to a marriage counsellor and it all came out. I woke up. It was her face. Her reaction. I felt so stupid and embarrassed. And he tried to explain it away to her shouting at her that he was a man. I was sitting there thinking how did I let this happen to me? I always saw myself as quite a strong, intelligent, bubbly person. I’m in my 40s, I should know better. I was looking at the counsellors face and it somehow didn’t feel as if it was happening. I realised I was shaking and she was worried about me and he was shouting at her. I felt so embarrassed and helpless. And stupid in front of another grown woman. I was thinking what if this was someone I loved telling me this happened to them? But still in my head I kept thinking its not really rape because he was my husband, and I loved him and so many times I wanted to have sex with him so how could it be rape. But why did he want to hurt me? I kept thinking this couldn’t be happening to me. Anyway thanks for reading. I hope it helps someone. I feel it helped me to write it down.

You think your age makes you less to blame, But I carry the weight, I bear the shame. You crossed the line — no excuse to hide, No softer words can wash this tide. I’m not the one who should feel small, You built this cage, you made me fall. No matter your years, no matter your face, You took from me my safe, my space. But here I stand, I claim my voice, I break the chains, I make the choice. I won’t be silent, I won’t back down, I wear my courage like a crown. So hear me now, and hear me clear, Your actions caused this pain and fear. Age won’t protect what you have done— I am the survivor, I have won.

At the end of my freshman year of college, I was at a house party. Towards the end of the night, after I had already been drinking, I said I wanted to go smoke and a guy who had been interested in me asked if he could come with me. We were friends at the time so I agreed. We went to the area in the back, which was an enclosed greenhouse-type porch and no one was back there. After we finished smoking, he leaned in and kissed me. I was shocked but went along with it at first. He proceeded to kiss me more intensely and started to touch me. Feeling uncomfortable, I stopped and told him I wanted to go inside. I sat at a table inside and he was next to me. I started feeling the high from smoking as I was having a conversation with my friends who were right across from me. Suddenly I felt his hand move up my thigh and he proceeded to rub me over my shorts. I was in frozen in shock thinking, "what the fuck is happening right now? This is really weird and i'm not enjoying this. Am I too high to do something right now? There are so many people around me. and no one knows what is happening. What is going on?" After a what felt like forever I felt him try to go in my shorts and that's when I snapped out of it and just looked at him. I didn't know what to say, and I don't really remember what happened at this point. I was just. in shock. He said something to me, I probably said something back, and then he just walked away. The day after I cried and had breakdowns in the bathrooms of the student center. I was confused and conflicted with myself trying to process what had happened. I felt like it was my fault because I googled things like "what constitutes as sexual assault/harassment?" because I wasn't sure if what i had gone through had "counted." I thought that since it was only touching it wasn't a big deal. I thought that because I was under the influence it was my fault. That I shouldn't have been that fucked up. That I shouldn't have been leading him on and making him think that I was into him. That I should protect him because he was friends with so many of my friends. But at the end of it all, HE WAS IN THE WRONG. I WAS PUT IN A SITUATION WHERE I WAS UNCOMFORTABLE AND HE HAD VIOLATED ME IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE. I'm here to say that no matter the action, no matter how small, if you were violated your feelings are VALID. If you did not give consent and you felt uncomfortable, it IS ASSAULT. It is still your story. YOUR trauma that you have to live with. Do not brush it off or belittle it because you don't feel like it's worthy of being labeled. You are worthy. You deserve to be heard.

TW: physical, emotional, sexual abuse Ever since I started primary school at the age of 4, I’ve been afraid of my dad. I truly believed I was the worst daughter in the world and that I was a huge disappointment to my parents. My Ukrainian immigrant parents were well educated and well respected people, they were quite wealthy and interesting people who had a “perfect” daughter. No one knew what happened behind closed doors, of course, and no one suspected anything as I was taught to hide my feelings and physical signs of abuse (still hate thinking about that word) really well. The physical and emotional abuse started as I started school and was a punishment for something I did or didn’t do, but looking back now, there was no consistency and no “reasoning” behind all of it. The sexual abuse started when I was 8 and stopped when I got my period at 14, when he told me it made me dirty and disgusting. Only at the end of high school I realised that not all fathers were like this and, in fact, this was very severe abuse. At 15 I was sexual assaulted by a coworker of my age at my job in a leisure center. At this point I was attracting the somewhat wanted attention of boys and I was naive. Even now, I am still trying to remind myself that I am not at fault. My 2 years at sixth form were made up of studying very hard and also trying to get help for ptsd symptoms. I met my current boyfriend of 2 years at sixth form too. I have told him about the majority of my childhood and he has been extremely supportive. I am so grateful for him. I am now having CPTSD support and, although I have bad days, I am keen to get better and to start a new chapter of life :)

i was fifteen when the very first boy i dated raped me. and then i turned sixteen, i got into another relationship (with someone i trusted even more than my first ex) and he also raped me. and every time i slept, i thought the rape would swallow me in whole because i didn't feel like i was really living after. however, i'm not their ex. i'm not a rape victim. i'm a survivor. i have a name. and the only thing that'll engulf my shores are the waves of healing drowning my sorrows away. i am in a healthy relatiuonship now, two years after all of that, and i am so proud of myself. i'm working everyday trying not to guilt trip myself over experiencing real and consensual pleasure and at the same time getting justice for myself (in my own way) for the fact that i was too scared to report back then.

It was a first date. It was my first first-date in years. A couple of drinks turned into a good conversation. A good conversation turned into me accepting an invitation to go meet his cousin. Meeting his cousin turned into another drink, and then the cousin disappeared. I tried to leave. He physically overpowered me. I struggled, literally begging him to stop. I threatened him that I had no contraception, and that I would ruin his life if I got pregnant. I said I would have the baby, thinking it would scare him. He wasn't scared. I covered my vagina with my hands, begging. He slapped me across the face. He forced himself into my mouth. Once he was finished with the assault, he just went to sleep. I laid there, starting out the tiny circular window he had in his room, seeing just the hue of a streetlight in the distance. I got home and showered it all off of me. Not thinking straight. Not thinking about how it would affect my ability to come forward. I just wanted to wash away the feeling of his hands. Physically, my face was bruised, my mouth cut open. Emotionally, I was ruined. I turned to alcohol to drown away any thoughts. I became distant from friends and family. I was angry. I went to therapy, they told me it wasn't my fault. I knew that. Logically, I knew that it is never the fault of the victim. Internally, I felt that it was my fault for going on the date and stupidly trusting him. I still feel guilt for not reporting him. I feel like I have let down other survivors, I feel weak. I don't know how to heal. I don't know how to be a survivor.

In March, I met someone. By summer, we were friends—the kind that share meals and watch anime on weekends. There was never any hint of more. Then, one night in August, a bottle of bourbon and a game of truth or dare blurred the lines I thought were solid. The conversation turned intimate, and the dares followed. What started with a kiss escalated into something I did not want. I remember saying "no," many times, my hands holding tightly to my clothes as a boundary. I was told "no means yes." In my intoxicated state, my resistance was overcome. I held onto one clear thought: no penetration. That line, at least, was not crossed. In the days that followed, I did everything I was supposed to do. I reached for every lifeline. I took the emergency pill. I made the calls to 1800RESPECT and SARC, navigating support systems in a language that isn't my own. I am awaiting medical screenings. I devoured Chanel Miller's "Know My Name," finding solace in a story that mirrored my own confusion. I talked to AI, tirelessly analyzing every emotion, trying to logic my way out of this pain. I found the courage to call a friend and speak the words aloud, and her belief in me was a anchor. And yet, a persistent voice still circles in the quiet moments: Did I overreact? Was it really that bad? He was nice once. This doubt is a ghost, and it haunts me alongside the heavy grip of my history with depression, which makes everything feel so much heavier. I have made a decision that brings both a sense of relief and a profound sadness. I will likely make a report, but I do not think I will request a full investigation. I have come to the quiet, painful understanding of how difficult it is to prove a violation without concrete evidence, of how the system often fails to deliver justice. My heart breaks for all my sisters who have stood in this same place, who have chosen to prioritize their own survival over a fight they know they cannot win. So, for now, I am choosing to fight for myself instead of against him. My act of rebellion is not in a courtroom; it is in my own healing. It is in believing myself when the world teaches me to doubt. It is in acknowledging that even without legal justice, what happened to me was real, it was wrong, and my pain is valid. I am choosing to care for the person who matters most in this story: me.

I was with my ex and I had just started some new tablets that made me sleepy. I tell my ex that I’m going to sleep and he continues to play his video game. I wake in a daze around an hour later and he is raping me and enjoying it. I react by making noises out of fear and wait for him to finish up the act , I just froze in fear. Once it was over I was mad he never got consent but he told me that he thought I wanted it. It’s been nearly a year and I’m still not over it

Im still trying to heal through all of my issues, I stay isolated and quiet and find it hard to make friends sometimes. my story started years ago as a lil boy my my older cousin always kept touching on me and laughed it off until he took me upstairs and told me how good it would feel to me. I later cried and told family in front of him he laughed and they laughed but at least it stopped . other cousins would tell what happened to me to there friends making it awkward to be around people. but with time people forgot. fast forward 3 or so years i'm nine at least I think ,and my older female cousin tells me im pretty I should stop being shy she would show me how to have sex and be a ladies man. well she did but it didn't end there her and a friend of hers set me up with a girl my age and watched me have sex a few times with her until I got old enough to stay home by myself . today I much older but very hyper sexual and long story short my past has caused a lot of my problems. it feels good to finally tell somebody.

“THE TERROR IN THE STILLNESS OF THE NIGHT” Warning: This article contains references to childhood sexual abuse By Name Insomnia first started to rear its ugly head in my life when I was in the second grade. Each evening after I was sent to bed, I lay awake long into the night with a pounding heart and a body paralyzed with terror as I pictured a monkey-like man with an axe in his head flying through the window over my bed coming to kill me. I have no idea where that terrifying image came from, but that scene played over and over in my head long into the night until I finally felt the sweet release of sleep overtake me. And even when sleep rescued me from these terrifying images, that didn’t guarantee that the fear would stop. Several times a week I would be violently awoken from nightmares that left me with a racing heart and terror running through my body. I was also a sleepwalker. Often in the mornings Mom would laughingly tell me she found me wandering around the house late at night while still asleep. I never remembered those nocturnal wanderings the next day, nor did I understand what they were. But Mom sure thought they were funny. At that time my mother was married to her third husband, an abusive pedophile named 3rd Husband. I did not have a good childhood. From as far back as I can remember, I was verbally, sexually and physically abused by my mother and the various sick men she brought into our lives. My mother had many relationships when I was growing up, some boyfriends, some husbands. By the time I was nine years old, there were six “father” figures in my life, almost all of them abusive. We moved often. It was a lonely and terrifying childhood. When I was nine years old, my mother married her fourth husband, a truck driver named 4th Husband, a man she had only known for two weeks. After they got married, that’s when the insomnia went from bad to worse. 4th Husband was also a pedophile. I was born in the mid ‘60s. Other than the abuse I suffered at home, I lived a relatively sheltered life. It would be many long years before computers, the internet or cell phones came into existence. Our TV had only four channels, and each show was heavily censored. Other than occasional kissing, not once did I witness people in bed having any kind of sexual activity. My sex education came from personal experience, the abuse I suffered at home. Shortly after Mom and 4th Husband got married, we moved from California back to Wisconsin where I was born. During the drive back to Wisconsin, we stayed in motels, my older brother and I in one bed, Mom and 4th Husband in the other. Being a light sleeper, one night I woke in the middle of the night to strange sounds in the bed next to us. “Harder, Honey, Harder,” Mom moaned as 4th Husband moved on top of her. Mom and 4th Husband were having sex in the bed next to us. Even though I had witnessed my mother having sex many times over the years, it still shocked me to my very core as I watched them through the sliver of light peeking through the curtains. I was utterly sickened at the sight and sound of their lovemaking. And with each moan of pleasure, my stomach got more and more nauseated. Finally, I turned over, pulled my knees to my chest to soothe the sickness in my stomach and cried silent tears into my pillow. I didn’t sleep a wink the rest of that long night. After we moved to Wisconsin, Mom and 4th Husband brought me into their bed and started sexually abusing me. Each evening when I was sent to bed for the night, I lay in bed for hours waiting for the sweet relief of sleep to overtake me and rescue me from the night terrors. Thankfully the monkey-like man with an ax flying through my window had been left behind when we moved, only to be replaced by another terror, and that was waiting for Mom and 4th Husband to come upstairs to go to bed. I never knew if they were going to bring me into their room and abuse me or go straight to their room for the night. Even though I was exhausted mentally and physically from lack of sleep, my poor body refused to relax as my tortured mind raced with every what-if scenario that could happen. Often I was still awake when Mom and 4th Husband went to bed. The nights that they went to their room, I knew it wouldn’t be long before they would start having sex. As soon as I heard their muffled voices and their moans of pleasure, terror filled my body and tears of sadness flowed from my eyes as I flashed back to that motel room. I was utterly sickened knowing what they were doing. Even when they were done and had gone to sleep, I still couldn’t get the sounds of their lovemaking out of my head. Long into the night I lay in my darkened room staring fearfully into the suffocating darkness. Sometimes a car went by, a plane flew overhead or a dog barked, but other than that, it was quiet. The stillness of the night was terrifying to me. As the years passed, the insomnia got worse. Without realizing it, somewhere along the way, sleep had become a faceless monster that dominated my life. All through the rest of grade school, middle school and high school, I rarely got a good nights’ sleep. I went through my days in a shroud of exhaustion, and my poor head just ached from lack of sleep. Each evening, instead of finding comfort and solace at the thought of a refreshing nights’ rest, all I felt was a growing dread the closer it got to bedtime. And the nightmares continued to haunt me. It seemed I could never escape the terror of my life. When I graduated from high school, I went on to college. Even though none of my family went on to get a higher education, I knew that was my ticket out of a life of relying on other people. Most of the adults I had grown up with had let me down and brought me nothing but pain. I had learned that the only person I could rely on was myself. And for that I needed an education. But when I left my home, as much as I wanted to leave the pain of my past behind me, the insomnia continued to haunt me night after night. Rarely did I get a full nights’ sleep. Often I lay awake for hours in my darkened room tossing and turning with a racing mind wondering when or if I would be able to sleep and worrying how I would get through the next day if I didn’t get enough rest. It was a vicious cycle. I had started drinking when I was 14 years old as a means to alleviate the intense pain I suffered at home. Drinking helped relax me and brought me some measure of happiness, however fleeting. Sometimes I was even able to laugh, which was something that was sorely lacking in my life. If I could have spent every waking moment of my childhood in an altered state, I would have, but liquor was hard to come by since I was underage. By the time I graduated from college, I had become a full-blown functioning alcoholic. Almost every night I got blackout drunk in an effort to relax my body enough to sleep. Rarely did that work, but I kept trying. The hangovers the next day were always brutal and made the pain in my head even worse. But those few hours that I drank each evening helped me to relax and gave me some measure of happiness, however fleeting. I tried many things to try to get rest, sleeping pills, herbal remedies, over-the-counter sleep aids, praying, pleading with God for sleep, prescription pills, muscle relaxers, Nyqil, Benadryl, massage therapy, hypnotherapy, acupuncture, counseling, meditation, deep breathing techniques. I tried it all. I was desperate for rest. Often I would stagger sleeping pills, taking some before bed, then more when I woke up a few hours later. Unfortunately, as much as I tried, nothing took away that nighttime monster that I had dealt with since I was in second grade. Two hours, three hours, four hours, six hours or maybe even seven on a rare night. I was in absolute misery. It never once occurred to me that the abuse I had suffered as a child had affected me. Once I left my home, I did everything in my power to leave the various monsters of my past behind. I rarely thought about my childhood. Thinking about my past was akin to putting my hand on a hot stove. It was that painful. Unfortunately, those monsters followed me into adulthood. Each morning when I woke up from a night of restless sleep, my thoughts turned obsessively to how I could get enough rest the next night. And those thoughts dominated almost every waking moment. I was desperate for relief but had no idea how to make that happen. And the sleepless nights and the head pain worsened the depression that I had suffered since early childhood. Most days I just prayed for an early death to escape the mental and physical pain I was in. On my worst days my mind just spun on a hamster wheel of suicidal thoughts, anything to escape the pain. Shortly before my 26th birthday I got married. A few years later my husband and I started a family. And when I was pregnant, I slept like a baby. Each time I lay my head down on my pillow, my body relaxed in a way that was foreign to me. It felt like a warm and comforting blanket had magically descended on my nervous system, and I slept like a baby. I just couldn’t get enough of that amazing, nourishing sleep. But as soon as each of my children were born, the insomnia returned. Raising my family, working a demanding career, marriage, and the stressors of daily life with little sleep left me depleted mentally and physically. The only thing that powered me through those difficult days was the immense amount of adrenaline that sizzled through my veins. As the years passed and my children grew older, sleep issues continued to haunt me. My friends that slept well didn’t understand what I was going through. Some even laughed at my struggles. “What’s wrong with you? I sleep like a baby!” said one friend, “Nope, not me, I never have problems sleeping!” laughed another. Finally, I learned to keep my mouth. It was just too painful to be laughed at over something that I couldn’t control. Each morning, even though I was exhausted, in pain and depressed, I put on a fake smile and powered through my day the best I could. In my early 50s I finally started to confront my childhood. At that time I started writing a book about what I went through. As the memories came back and the painful words spilled onto the paper, I couldn’t help but shake my head in grief and shock over what I had endured as a child. But one of the things that shocked me the most was how young I was when insomnia first entered my life. Shortly after I started to confront my childhood, I was diagnosed with C-PTSD due to years of childhood trauma. At that time, I also lost my 30- plus career as a court reporter due to the severe sleep issues and the daily migraines. I could no longer handle the demands of my stressful career. My body simply gave out. I was absolutely devastated when I could no longer return to my career that I had worked so hard for. Once I got the diagnosis of C-PTSD, I have worked hard to heal myself from my past. I have listened to and read everything at my disposal that will aid in my healing. To say I am motivated is an understatement. All I have ever wanted was to feel good, mentally and physically, and that is something I have rarely felt in my life. At the time of this writing, I am finally starting to confront the insomnia. Without realizing it, deep down I felt insomnia was a life sentence. My mother has insomnia, as did her mother. I have no idea how far back in my family’s history the inability to sleep goes. I grew up hearing on a daily basis how exhausted and miserable my mother was. I believe along with the trauma I suffered as a child, somewhere along the way that seed of ancestral insomnia was planted in me early on and grew as the years passed. I have confronted so many of the fears in my life since I have started my journey of healing from the past. And almost all of those fears stem from the trauma that I suffered in my childhood. I am bound and determined to conquer insomnia. Working to make my bedtime routine as peaceful as possible has been huge. Meditation and gentle stretching really work to calm my nervous system. But if I skip the evening meditation and stretching, I don’t stress about it. Now that I understand what created this years’ long monster of sleepless nights, I am slowly releasing the many fears that created it and have kept me captive for the past 52 years. It is a process undoing the years and years of trauma. When I go to bed now, I make sure I am ready, meaning that I am tired. No longer do I lay in bed for hours trying to force sleep and worrying how I will feel the next day if I don’t get rest. If I can’t fall asleep, I read a good book or watch a happy movie, anything that calms my nervous system. But the biggest thing I am learning is not to worry what the next day will look like if I don’t get enough rest. Releasing the fear has been life changing.

I was silenced for so long, now my voice rings free. I’m still filled with agony and it’s hard to bear, but there is hope and I know each day I am getting better. I was silenced by so many who wanted to keep me and my story down. I was sexually assaulted by a member of a fraternity and then the whole fraternity has worked endlessly to help cover up my assault. I was too scared to even come forward as they threatened me and started rumors and lies to harass me. I will not be silent anymore. I am standing strong and resilient. They did not break me, I will rise from this terrible event. I am leaving behind the shell of me who never would have spoken up and sat in agony longer everyday for someone who now stands tall and proud. I’ve used my voice and my experiences to advocate for others who have been hurt like me. I am ready to use my voice for good and start a revolution.

I was first a victim of child-on-child sexual assault when I was 4 years old, my abuser was 9. She was a family friend, her and her family were always very close with ours. She would sexually assault me every time she saw me. A few years into it when I was 7 her younger brother who was 8 had begun sexually assaulting me too. Neither of them knew the other was doing it to me too so they would end up making 'accidental hand offs' of me. One would finish with me and send me off to go hang out with the other. This cycle continued until I was 13, it was my last time ever seeing them again as I had moved to the other side of the state. On my way home from that visit I blocked them completely. The last time they did it the older sister was 18 and the brother was also 13 as his birthday was later in the year. They sexually assaulted me countless times for 9 years straight and nobody noticed. My mother confronted me about it when I was 14, I had accidentally told a school counselor and they called her, she had multiple weeks to confront me about; However she chose the best time to talk to me about it was whilst I was dying in a hospital bed due to a suicide attempt. I am horrified of sleeping, every time I close my eyes all I see is what they did to me, I force myself to stay awake for multiple days in a row simply to evade the night terrors and memories. No matter how hard I scrub or how hot the water is it feels as if I'll never get their hands off of me. I can always hear what she said to me in the back of my head "Be quiet, they'll hear you". Both of our families were in the next room over. I still sleep in the bed they violated me in so many times, when I was 8 I would crawl under my bed and draw a little tally of how many times it happened; I gave up shortly after starting because it was getting too difficult to keep track of. I want to feel safe. I want my body to feel mine again. I fear I may do something to myself.

Hello, everyone! I will immediately say that I am from Russia and do not know English well, so I am writing a post via Google translate. I must say right away - I do not support the policy of my country. Since my relatives do not sit on reddit (it is not popular with the older generation in Russia), I would like to share my story here, but keep my anonymity just in case. I want the Internet to know about my story, maybe some people have a similar situation as me and they will realize that they are not alone. Know, guys, I support you, you are the suns💕 I have never written such serious posts before and maybe there will be a lot of water here (for which I apologize). So, let's move on to the story itself. Let's go back 8 years ago, when I was still ten years old and was about to turn 11. My grandparents took me to the village to my godmother's mother (in Russia there is such a tradition - to baptize a child and give two people the position of godmother and godfather, who will be responsible for him before God. They may not be spouses, completely different people, of different ages), there were also in the village - the niece of the godmother, a girl a year younger than me, her teenage daughters and her husband. The godmother was there less often than her daughters in the village, which of course went into the hands of her husband. Because, as you know, teenagers like to walk in different places, explore the surroundings, which her teenage daughters often did, and therefore it was easier to commit a crime. And my godmother's husband presented it through a game. He showed "secret" techniques when he served in the army and was taught how to fight the enemy - to take off his pants, which he did the whole month that we were there. At first, as I said, it was a game, but in which something went wrong - he took off our pants and licked that place, and it still makes me sick like a child. Then it got worse - he just caught us and took off our pants and it all came down to those oral, terrible caresses (sorry for being so frank, I write on emotions so I don't know how to describe it exactly), we tried to fight him, but he beat us (damn 40-year-old kachek), while he was doing "this" with one, the other of us tried to save the victim, but nothing worked, and the roles changed. He also liked to show us his strength and arrange fights against his musly hand. Then he locked us in a room once, tied us up and did terrible things, it was so vague that I hardly remember anything. We both couldn't believe what had happened for a long time, it seemed to us that it was just a stupid dream. That this is not real, a kind, calm uncle who has two loving daughters, a good wife, a decent family who helped his relative in difficult times and sheltered her by raising (an adopted daughter). By the way, there is another character here - my friend's grandmother, my godmother's mother, where we lived, she owned that house. She did not notice what was going on behind her, always busy in the garden (a typical grandmother from Russia). As I said, the pedophile made a perfect plan for his crime, calculating everything in a straight line, he is a smart bastard because he also realized that we are both modest girls and will be afraid to tell adults about what happened. And he also had one trump card up his sleeve, but more on that later. Then it started what I hate myself for and why I was afraid at first to tell my family and what happened because he could reveal me - my girlfriend and I started asking him to touch us there, we were pleased (what the hell?), in a matter of time we stopped resisting him and what-something went wrong in our psyche. I'm just sick to the point of vomiting. It was once, but this time I'm sooo ashamed, it feels like I betrayed Name - the very girl in me who resisted him. For one more time, I'm also ashamed - we wanted to bring him discomfort and take revenge on him by pulling off his underpants, looking at his naked prick and laughing at him so that he would be ashamed. Do you remember what I said about the trump card? It turns out that we gave it to him ourselves. He told his daughter that we were "climbing" into his underpants and that she should talk to us. His daughter scolded us, and I remember we looked at her with fear in our eyes and could not answer anything, I wanted to admit that he had done this to us, but shame overcame me, and I was afraid that I would be accused of lying, I was afraid of Haight. I'm writing this now, and I'm terribly ashamed of all this, I feel like I hate myself for this. If there are psychologists here, then I would be interested to hear for what reasons we could do this because I can't understand my actions, I don't even remember my intentions. It felt like a game, but we knew something was wrong. It seemed to us that this was not real and that he was a good person. Then the school year begins, I had thoughts about death, a strange feeling of pain in my chest, I liked how I was getting old, dying and finding peace, and also my body was decomposing and soaked in grass. I wanted to take this secret to the grave with me and I didn't want my parents to be disappointed in that person. But I couldn't stand it, the pain in my chest squeezed me even more, and I couldn't carry such a terrible secret with me and told my mother about everything. She didn't actually believe me, but she told my grandmother and she believed me because in her opinion a child can't come up with and lie about such a thing, seriously I had no motives to do so, at that time I was an honest child. Grandma promised me to talk to him and threaten that if he did this to me again, she would complain to his wife or the police, I don't remember exactly. But as the years passed, the promise was never fulfilled. 2016, I am 13 years old, she invited him to visit with her wife. Before that, she warned me that if he came at me, I should threaten him with my finger and say that I would tell my grandmother everything. For a while, everyone went to the balcony to smoke and chat, but he does not smoke and took the opportunity to contact me, he wanted to give me a foot massage (I have flat feet and he began to come up with a hundred reasons why he should massage me), I said no, but he began to insist, they say -"You don't want your legs to be as swollen as those of old women, do you?" I told him that I didn't and didn't give him my consent, but he didn't care, I remember how it hurt during the massage, and how he lifted my dress so that my panties were visible. When everyone left, he quickly fixed everything and returned as if nothing had happened. For a long time I was afraid to tell my grandmother that I was afraid to tell him a warning, my body seemed to be paralyzed, I was embarrassed, offended. Then I found the strength to admit it to her, to which I received condemnation and reproach, like - why didn't I threaten him? I was afraid of the answer, she waved it away. He didn't get anything for it, like last time. This is not the only time they invited him to visit with his wife. The second time he stayed with his wife for the night, don't worry, there was no harassment, but there was a tin. He was supposed to sleep on my bed, however, when I wanted to sleep, I forgot about it (it happens to me, especially when I'm super sleepy), I wanted to sleep on my bed and told my grandmother about it, but instead of reminding me that my bed is occupied for this Night, guess what she said to me? "So you said that he molested you, and today you want to sleep on a bed with an adult uncle?". In such a vulgar way. I started having my first panic attacks when I was lying on my grandmother's bed and looking out the window. I feel like I'm running out of air, but I stay calm. I'm not scared much, but another part of me is glad that now this is the end of my suffering and I'm going to die. But no, it was just a panic attack, but I'm glad I'm alive. So, in the summer of 2018, I am 15 years old and I communicate with my friend in messenger, where she reveals the details of her life. That freak is still coming to her, but everything has become more serious. He was trying to insert his prichendal into some hole. Why was she silent? I was afraid. She has an overprotective mother, she would forbid her to go to the village and see her father especially, which she did not want, she rarely saw her father, my godmother - her aunt and other relatives. Perhaps there were other reasons. But I don't blame her. But it hurts me that she went through these sacrifices and no one saw her suffering. I was not allowed into the village all these years after the incident, at least so, thanks for that. I showed the correspondence to my family, proving definitively that I was not lying. They believed me, and I smile contentedly, to which my mother angrily asks me - "What are you smiling at? Is it nice when another family collapses? What a bad person you are." What did the family do? Nothing again. My father, with whom my mother is divorced and he lives separately, recommended that I buy cameras (why the hell didn't I even have money?), put them on, invite a pedophile to visit when no one is around and film his harassment of me. It's the most fucked-up idea I've ever heard. Moreover, I would not like to go that way for a long time. So, it's still 2018, summer. I got a boyfriend, I turned 16, and here we are sitting like this and decided to film his visits to my friend by going to the village to my godmother. I wanted to put an end to all this and avenge myself. We came up with a plan - we pretend to go somewhere, he stays alone with my girlfriend, we take cameras and film it. The pedophile could do this even when his wife was around, but she didn't see it, so we more or less understood how to catch him. The plan is not perfect, sometimes stupid, now it seems to me to be a cringe. We called my godmother and decided to arrange that I would go to the village, but take my boyfriend with me. She became dissatisfied with something, and my family found out about it. Mom got into my messengers, found out about our plan, as well as about our vulgar correspondence (well, how vulgar? We had vulgar jokes, then condom stickers were popular, and we stupidly sent them to each other a thousand times). What did my would-be relatives come up with? Stock up on kringe pills. Grandma called my godmother and lied that I went there to have sex and sleep with my uncle in the hay (that's what she called my boyfriend). By the way, my ex-boyfriend and I decided to wait until 18 to have sex. And there was never any mention of a hookup in the correspondence. Thank you, you stupid bitch, for shaming me and fooling me into a juvenile prostitute. I remember my mother screaming, "How dare you want to destroy someone else's family? You're a terrible person!" We were punished, Mom said that I was breaking up with my ex because we wanted to destroy someone else's family. And that we would not see each other again, we had to see each other in secret from her and our families. What were you seriously punished for? Me for wanting to expose a pedophile and put him in jail. We have another, but also stupid plan. I went to college, in Russian colleges students do not live in a dormitory, so I lived with my parents. My ex and I decided that it would be better if we ran away, and our friends would rent us an apartment, and so we would hide until we were 18. The first few days we spent the night in the entrance. It was cold and so cringe-worthy that I'm ashamed to remember it. Then we did come back, because the mother of one of the ex's friends had dissuaded us from doing such nonsense, after that we returned, and we were allowed to meet. Anyway, I slipped off the subject. Then I wanted to write an anonymous statement against him, saying they should believe me without proof, but I would have shown the correspondence with my friend, but I chickened out. I decided to tell the adopted daughter of the pedophile's family about what happened, and she believed me, especially with my friend's correspondence. But she also didn't do anything, I asked her to protect my friend, and she promised to do it, but according to my friend, that freak got to her before she came of age, until she grew up and became more feminine. For many years, adults knew that a crime was happening, but no one did anything. And they scared me with bullying, and I had a feeling of guilt that I was bad, since I could destroy someone else's family. Now that freak doesn't bother my friend, but now she insults him harshly and takes off on him, and I think that bastard deserves it. By the way, we took good revenge on him as a child - we peed in a jar at night so that the urine would evaporate, poured it into a glass during the day, told him that it was lemonade, he started drinking...And you should have seen his face. He then whined about how he would go to work with the smell of urine in his mouth. Serves you right, moron. By the way, when my grandparents see him and his wife, that freak is still looking at me, which annoys me, and what happens when I don't expect it. Enrages. I'm 21 now, but I look 15, which is probably why. So, this is not the only case of harassment against me and not only. Let's start with my grandfather. Mom told me when I was little that he groped her when she was a teenager, but Grandma didn't do anything. I told my grandmother about it, to which she replied that my mother was lying. And oh, in vain, I believed my grandmother, because she was lying. Let's go back to 2016, when I was 14, my grandparents got drunk and were drunk. Grandma started asking Grandpa about his motives for molesting my mother. She asked, "Were you looking for diamonds or something?" Grandfather did not answer. I remember crying a lot then and praying to God that it would be better if my grandfather molested me and not my mother. I felt sorry for my mother. At the age of 13, he pressed on my underpants when I was passing by, groping for my gasket, and I started laughing, thinking that this was a game. But then I realized after a second that it was terrible. At the age of 15, he groped my breasts when he was drunk, I told my mother, to which she answered me aggressively - he was drunk. I didn't tell my grandmother. What's the point? At the age of 20, I fell and had a ligament rupture, in the morning I went on crutches to cook breakfast for myself. And he took advantage of this and ran his hand over my ass. It was a shame. Recently, he got drunk and tried to pull off my nightgown, but I didn't let him do it, he groped my chest. Then again when I was sober. I couldn't stand it, I told my grandmother, he doesn't touch me anymore. But Mom thinks it's temporary because she's been bullied by him all her life. I was groped by my former friends, with whom I no longer communicate. And oh damn, how I hate the feeling when my body freezes and I can't move. I justified them, saying they did a lot for me, like my grandfather once did, but thanks to psychology, I don't do it anymore, fuck them. 2021, I turned 20, I went to live with my boyfriend from abusive relatives. Everything was fine, but his father started acting strangely towards me, started seeing me as his daughter, but it went too far. He started with the "harmless" thing - climbing under my T-shirt in front of a guy and adjusting my bra. I decided to talk to him about it and tell him that I feel bad about it, that I don't blame his father, but something strange is happening. My boyfriend (thank God, the ex) started shouting at me -"My father is not like that", despite my calm voice and the offer to discuss everything with him calmly. Then my ex was taken to a mental hospital to check his psychological health before the army, his mother left for the village, and then it started. His father started demanding that I not wear a bra under my T-shirt because my nipples are deformed. And how will I feed his grandchildren then? Or else he would have taken off this bra himself, I had to take it off myself. In addition to the apartment, the older sister and her future husband also lived. And I found an excuse like I don't want his daughter's husband to see my nipples shining through synthetics. And he allowed me to wear a bra on such occasions. He also liked to braid my hair, call me Nyusya, like his daughter. Then it got even worse - he started giving me massages, and if I refused, he did it forcibly, and he also loved when I lay half-naked on my stomach, and when I refused, he justified himself - "you're like my daughter, don't be afraid of me." Once he pulled down my pants to see my naked ass, despite my protests. He was mad when I was sleeping naked under I didn't want him to see me. Even before my ex left for the mental hospital, he came into our room to take something when we were sleeping, and I was sleeping naked, and then he confessed that he had seen my penis. And he apologized for it. Since then, I've been sleeping under a blanket, but also because of his sister's haight that I sleep naked in my ex's room. And personal boundaries? Maybe I don't want to be seen naked? Why did I put up with it? I wanted to keep my toxic relationship with my ex, which I thought was perfect because he saved me from my abusive family, when in fact he did it to control me. I didn't want to go back to my family. Even during the move, I silently packed my things secretly, afraid that I would be discovered and ran away from home without saying anything. They called me for the first few days and asked angrily, "When will you be back?". I knew that no one from that family would believe me. And finally, after the words and screams of my ex, I began to think that I was crazy and exaggerating everything, and that such an attitude was normal, in short, for a moment I went crazy, until my friends returned my consciousness. Although, in fact, this is the very first reason. Then my ex's sister started being jealous of her father, that he started giving me a lot of money, that he called me by her nickname, she told my ex a lot of bad things about me, and so he dumped me. I also remember his angry words- "He never treated us the way he treated you." If you only knew how I had to, dude. I went back to my grandmother, told her everything, she did nothing, reproached me - "Why didn't you come back? Why did you put up with all this? Did you like it?". Back at the age of 21, I was diagnosed with depression and schizoaffective disorder, I don't have the strength to work, especially after the shit that happens in my life. I am constantly bullied for being lazy, bad, and not doing anything around the house. My grandfather said recently: "You're not human if you don't work. You're an animal. And animals can be beaten. What did she say? I'm going to knock your jaw out. I will kick you out of the house because you are not registered." In November, when my beloved cat died, he told me the next day: "Here you are not working and you will die soon, I will pay 1,500 rubles for the disposal of your corpse, as well as your cat." I just hate this scum, all the scum that messed up my psyche. If you've read this to the end, then thank you very much, from the bottom of my heart. And please, without negativity. I wish it was a simple dream. I want to write a book about my life in the future because living with such stories is killing me.

sorry that this is super long😭😭😭 when I was younger I was best friends with this girl we met on the first day of kindergarten and were inseparable and when we were 7 she started touching me on the school bus and I told the school and instead of helping they put me and her in the school counselor's office and she showed us a video of keeping our hands to ourselves and not letting other people touch out bodies 3 weeks she raped me in her bedroom and I didn't know what to do so I just laid there and didn't speak I think it made it worse that she is a girl and its not typical for females to rape other females so I felt as no one would believe me so I stayed quiet because of what happened the first time after that stuff kept happening but then I got into the 5th grade and we didn't see each other because it was there first real year of COVID so it was all basically online and we were in different classes but then 6th grade started and I was back to seeing her every day and that was super hard and she started to do that stuff and it was really bad on my mental health then she decided to punch me in the face for no reason so I stopped talking to her I ended up admitting myself to a psych ward where I did end up getting help and was doing better and I went to my ex friends play performance and this friend was friends with the girl at the time and I still wanted to be his friend so I because friends with her again and told her that I stopped talking to her because my best friend told me to that night she raped me in my own bedroom after I let her borrow my clothes my shows by hairbrush my everything and she still decided to rape me and that hurt and again like the first time I sat there doing and saying nothing for some reason I couldn't no matter what no matter what I thought no matter what I said nothing I was frozen I always everyone talk about fight or flight and no one ever talks about freeze even tho its one of the most common ones every time she did something like that I would freeze I wouldn't talk I would barely move I just laid there helpless like God was gonna send someone to help me but he never did I was all alone I was like a helpless dog dying on the side of the road and I just let her do it I said no once and after she didn't stop I gave up I didn't know what do do anymore and I didn't wanna repeat myself for some reason so thus I didn't after that I stopped talking to her all together and in 8th grade after being out as transgender for about a year when kids would say stuff what I would correct them on my name she would stand up for me and I hated that I hated it so much it made me feel like I couldn't hate her for raping me and assaulting me because now shes standing up for me so if I hate her I would be a bad person even tho I know I am not a bad person for hating her because I have every right to because of what she did to me even if it was a long time anyways I think that's it sorry again that this is super long I don't know what others look like so I don't know if mines actually long or not compared to other peoples but if you read all of this thank you for reading my story and I hope all of you have an absolutely amazing 💗💗💗

I was sexully encouraged by a babysitter when I was 9,too inappropriately bathe her and my sisters. None of us felt it was abuse, but just bath time fun. My sisters both bathed me to a point of inappropriate excitement. Confused but not feeling anything wrong,we just carried on,I was going through puberty and I was orgasming every bath time. I still see the woman to this day we talk like nothing happened and my sisters don't mention it.

When I was 4 years old, me, my mom and my brother lived with my grandmother. During this time, my mom took me to a babysitter who was right up the street from where my grandmother lived. My brother is 6 years older so he wasn't with me. The babysitter she would take me to had two sons, who were 13 years old. I would have to go to the basement with her sons, while the infants stayed upstairs with her. Before it was just me, there were other kids around my age. now, I can't fully remember when it first started, but I do remember it was me and another girl and he would have us lay on the couch side by side. He would then put the covers over and make us play with his private part. He then would tell us to turn around and while he pulled our pants down and inserted his private area, and the tell us to face him and did the same thing. He also would put it in our mouths, all while his brother was on the floor playing video games. I remember after a while I was the only 4 year old there. So he would do the same thing to be everyday, for how long? I honestly don't remember. The most memorable thing I remember him doing was inserting his penis in my mouth until I gagged. And of course in my butt and vagina area as well. The thing was that always got me, was that he was nice to me. I didn't know that I would have had to pay for the kindness. I remember him taking me to the bathroom and he would stay in there with me. I was potty trained. I do remember being uncomfortable with him in there with me. As scared as i was to go to the basement everyday, I remembered I asked his brother where he was. and he told me and he then of course told me to come here and he cuddled me, and not long after did what he always did. I don't remember how long it was, but i do remember the last time he ever did anything to me. I had on my favorite white Winnie the Pooh short jumper. He was about to take them off me and I told him " my mommy said I can't". And he was telling me to shush. Now, even though he didn't proceed to take off my jumper, he still put his penis in my mouth like always until I gagged. That day my mom got me and we were walking up to my grandmothers door, I remember trying to tell my mom, and i was scared because I told her i don't want to get spanking. A 4 year old thinking its her fault and she would get in trouble for something that was happening to her. So I told my mom what happened and i thank God she believed me. Unfortunately, it wasn't the last time i would get touched on. by kindergarten during reading time, there were two boys who would go under some girls dresses and touch their butts. I unfortunately, was accustomed to it that I didn't even mind it. it was familiar. By 6 years old, two sisters at my church at the time, would then show me how to tongue kiss. One was kissing me and other was told by her sister to kiss/lick my private area. at the time i didn't think it was fully wrong because we were around the same age and they were females. I would then think this was okay as long as it was with other females. Until my my moms best friend caught me and some other girls dry humping and she told me that was nasty. I didn't have anyone tell me that, but once she did I didn't do it again. I shamed myself for so long, even tho I didn't know and I was so young. Other things transpired throughout my life and even as an adult, I was afraid to tell anyone no, especially men. IF they wanted sex, i just let it happen. Growing up, I didn't like older men touching me or even complimenting me because of what happened. I understand that, everyone involved was more than likely abused as well, because no child should know how to perform sexual acts.

When I was 6-7 years old, I was pinned to my ottoman by my older brother (8-9 years) and my friend (6-7 years) and repeatedly kissed on the mouth by another friend (8-9). I told them to stop and put up a struggle but ultimately gave up and let it happen. Is this COCSA or an act of children not knowing boundaries?