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I have had several experiences in my life that at the time I didn't fully access the severity of. As I got older, I started to recognise my own boundaries better and started to protect myself. I always blamed myself for earlier experiences, believing I got myself into a mess and just had to endure it. Reflecting back, I realise that I was raped and am going through various motions of grief and trauma. Part of me thinks I got this far without addressing it, maybe I can keep progressing and leave it behind. Another part of me thinks, maybe a lot of the issues I have had over the years are related to these experiences. I don't really know. I have brought it up to therapists, but they skim over it and go back to the formula they have preset in their notes. Sadly I haven't got the money for a good therapist. I haven't really told my story much or at all in some cases, but I have wanted to in a safe space and anonymously. So herr I go. I will tell two of my stories. There are more, sadly, but this is all I can manage for now. My first experience I was 14. I was groomed by a man in his mid twenties. Before I even realised what was happening, he was taking me back to his apartment to have sex. I didn't have time to think about whether or not I wanted to be there or if I could say no. Suddenly I was there and I hated it. It was painful and I felt horrible. It happened again another time. I was also coerced into oral sex. All of these events happened so fast, I always thought maybe I had missed something or didn't realise that I had agreed to move in this direction. He told me he loved me and maybe he did. All I know is that when I moved away and got some space from the situation, I felt really bad about the whole thing. I had no one to talk to about it. I couldn't tell my parents for fear of judgment, failure or being blamed for bad decisions (being in the wrong place etc). My parents were strict, so I did a lot of sneaking around, which is probably what lead to me being vulnerable. I was in my late 30s when I finally accepted that it was wrong, I was groomed and he stole so much from me. A second experience had a similar structure. I was suddenly in a moment I didn't feel I could escape, wondered how I got myself there and just waited for it to be over. I had consented to having sex with a guy at uni. I didn't know him well, but we had a few interactions and he had flirted a lot with me from the off. Kept telling me how beautiful I was etc. I was charmed and we had sex. During the sex, he asked for anal and I said no. Well, he did it anyway. I said no and stop, but then resolved to waiting for it to be over, thinking I must have let him do it if it was happening. He continued to have sex with me throughout the night, despite me trying many times to untangle and sleep. That also felt like torture. I attempted to go for a shower and he followed me. I didn't understand why it was going on so long and prayed for him to be done. I didn't advocate for myself enough or really understand what was happening. After I had such bad injuries I couldn't walk, sit or move properly for a couple of weeks. I ended up in hospital with a kidney infection, a direct result of the encounter. I was in huge denial about the whole thing. Flatmates heard me screaming and asked me about it the next day. I laughed it off and said just a bit of rough anal. Another friend questioned my physical injuries and I did the same. He engages in regular anal sex with men and after asking a few questions, said it sounded like I had been raped. I laughed it off. He was concerned, but not close enough to pursue me more on the matter. It wasn't until I experienced flash backs 15 years later, I fully accepted what had happened. The flash backs were triggered by a consent workshop I had attended at a gathering, which opened my eyes. I have had more encounters, but these two are the ones that haunt me the most. I am a mother now and happily married. I am a strong woman and generally don't take shit from anyone. I don't think I jad the skills to really protect myself as a younger woman. I had always been educated to believe rape was by strangers in a dark alley. I hadn't prepared for assaults from friends. Nearly all my assaults have been by friends or acquaintances. I am so thankful for the me too movement. It is paving the way for better education and protection.

When I was younger I had this friend, we’ll call her friend. She wasn’t always kind to me, in fact she was often rude to me. She was way more mature than me even though she was younger, and that included being sexually more educated than I was. We were 7 or 8 at this point I think, and at her house she had a hot tub that her mom would let us go in sometimes. I can’t remember if this happened during the same play date, but she tried to show me videos of wlw sexual activities. This included scissoring, etc. and she seemed very obsessed with it. I was weirded out and uninterested and left the room, but it was weird. Anyways, one time we were in the hot tub, she repeatedly tried to convince me to get out of the hot tub and try scissoring or whatever. I really didn’t want to and felt weird, but she eventually coerced me to. I remember feeling really uncomfortable and like it was just wrong. I feel like something else happened, either penetration or something oral, but my memory betrays me. I had another very sexually oriented friend at a young age who dared me to “pull my pants down and have sx with the wall” when I was around 7, in addition to her telling me lots of made up sex stories, to which again I was very disturbed. I think these repeated encounters as a child is part of what has led me to be a mostly sex repulsed asexual person, and I struggle deeply with my boundaries when it comes to physical touch. I recently had an experience where me and a friend were both drunk and she sort of pushed my boundaries after I said no over and over (I put this story in the q+a section.) I didn’t realize the childhood stories until recently and it’s been a bit over a decade. How can I feel safe and comfortable in my own body again and process this, as well as getting better at boundaries?

I learned from my partner that she was gang-raped. Rn we live in different cities. We had a stupid argument on the phone, after which she shared with me about what she's been through via text and she went silent completely. As soon as I read that she's been. My world shattered, I texted her that I have to cool off and I'll be back. It took me an hour to cool down and answer with words of support and love. I didn't ask any questions. I just said she can reach out whenever she's ready. I don't know who to talk to. I was so fkng furious, I felt so much pain and sadness. I couldn't sleep for 24 hrs and just got a 2-hour sleep at least. I feel broken and scared not knowing how can I be strong enough to support her and not fail myself. I want to make those men pay. I have never felt such rage in my life. I just don't know what to do now. I can't really talk to anyone about it. I try to focus on other things, but my mind just can't focus on anything. I keep thinking about it. And I wonder how she feels rn, I wanna support her and talk to her, but I don't want to push her. I hope she will reach out to me soon. I'm so afraid what's gonna happen next, I don't want her to see me so weak and broken and wonder for how long Id be able to look strong and not break. I don't wanna fail her. I love her so much. I never thought Id feel so much pain and anger. I know I shouldn't push her or ask her questions, but I wanna know the names of those pieces of shit. I hope she gains courage to stand up and fight some day, bcz I can't imagine living and knowing those monsters are still out there. I hate life so much rn and I was always the most positive person. I wish I could erase our memories, I can't imagine what she's been through. I love her so much, and I just hope I can be strong and we can push through this together.

This is my story. When I was younger than 5, I was raped. My memory blocked out the person who did it. So I don’t remember who did it. It makes me so angry, I don’t remember any of my childhood except for the sexual abuse parts. I remember at four years old, I only wanted to be involved with things if it regarded something sexual. There was never a time in my life where I’ve felt innocent. At the ripe age of four I knew all about kinks, positions, different kinds of sex, and looking back, the signs were screaming at everyone around me. I was very sexual, and I was very violent. The only things I wanted to watch was porn or gore. I was 5. I was scared of the bathroom, and I had accidents at school every day because I was scared of restrooms. Sometimes I’d cry when I’d have to go in there. Then, at 5 also, I had internet access. That’s when I had found out that the rape I endured was “normal” (it wasn't) because of the pornos I watched. It exposed me to way more things than the rape I experienced. And obviously, the rape that happened made me an angry child. So I took that anger and acted violent. I remember the only time I would play with my toys, like any child should, was if I was pretending they were having sex, being raped, or simply breaking the toys. Over my life, I have felt pissed. Pissed at the world, pissed at my family, why couldn’t anyone see this? Why did this happen? There has never been a time in my life where I was innocent. I feel filthy. I feel disgusting, I don’t feel like a girl, I feel like a wasted potential of a human. I know it wasn’t my fault. And nobody can sit in their pity forever. I have therapy now, I have been to mental health facilities, and I have gotten so much help from family and friends. The feeling of being rotten can’t go away. But I think I speak for every rape victim when I say, it sure is validating knowing that it’s not your fault. And the way I’m handling this such life changing situation, is just how any human would. You are not alone, and there is a huge difference between feeling filthy and being filthy. And I and many other survivors, are not filthy. Because of the abuse I endured, I’m scared of love. Many times, I don’t think love exists. I’m scared of sex, I’m scared of marriage, and I hate to say it, but sometimes I’m scared of guys. I’ve lost hope in true romance. The only time someone wanted me “romantically” was when I was 4. That’s a kind of lost hope, that I don’t know how to over come from. I feel like a baby, sometimes I get triggered by sex scenes, by beauty standards even. I feel like such a Debbie downer. Anything with lust, I get triggered. And I feel horrible for it. I want to joke around, I want to have fun, but that kind of topic is something I can never erase from my memory. Thank you for reading my story, you are not alone. And you are not filthy, or a burden. Be gentle with yourself, and give yourself time to recover.

I could never remember my childhood well, even as a kid. But I started to be hypersexual at 3, and so thats when I believe me and my brother started touching (hes 3 and a half years older). When I was 12 I remembered and told my parents, my mom freaked out and screamed at me. She said it was my fault and that it wasn't too bad if I didn't tell anyone. I fear thats she's right. When I was 14 and in deep psychosis, I felt like there was more to remember. I started to feel my brother's hands over my body and mouth. I remembered us having sex 3 times. The first time when I was 6 and the last when I was 8. One of those times he was hitting me and pinning me. I dont know how real those memories are because I recovered them in psychosis. I started doing really bad cus all I could think about was me and my brother fucking. A couple of months ago I remembered my brother fucking me with his hands around my neck (which was painful). Im so scared that really happened because I see my brother daily and hes my best friend. Im worried ill remember more.