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The scariest moment of my relationship of 18 years was the moment that I no longer felt afraid to die, I was begging for it to happen. I had been with my husband for 18 years and experienced physical, emotional, verbal, and financial abuse and had been brought to the brink of death on more than one occasion. My head had been cracked open, experienced strangulation on a daily basis and had lost consciousness at his hands. I was beyond damaged emotionally and physically and my ability to take much more was completely gone. I wanted him to finally succeed. I didn't want to live this life anymore. And then it dawned on me. I have three children with this man and if he were to kill me, what would become of my girls? I knew then that my girls would face a rough life if I were gone. I brought them into this world and they needed me to fight back for them. That was the realization that I needed to get out of there so I packed a single bag for the four of us and I fled. What I want others to realize is that the aftermath can be just as difficult as the relationship. It is true what people say. You do realize who you can REALLY count on when you are in crisis. I mistakenly believed that I had more than enough support in my friends and family. I was wrong. My network evaporated as soon as I needed them. It has been a tough road for my girls and I, but I am grateful everyday that I am here with them. I was, and still am, absolutely determined to, not only live, but thrive. For myself and for my girls. It is a scary path to be on but please recognize that you are not alone. There is always someone that cares and can begin to understand. You've made it this far. How far can you take yourself in this life? Live the life that you were meant to and don't let anybody else take away your sparkle.

I don't know how to write my story, there are so many part to it so many different forms of abuse and trauma and yet here I am thinking this is wrong because my abuse wasn't always physical or constant. Because I survived and people have been through worse than I. I have never shared alot about my story or past, the things I've witnessed have never been confessed to more than one counsellor because my first counsellor asked to study me because they didn't understand how as a suicidal teen I had survived and not killed myself because the stuff I had experienced should of made it impossible for me not to kill myself. Since then I've kept things quiet even though as I've gotten older I've discovered even more trauma surrounding my childhood. I am a child who was never wanted not by my adoptive parents and barely by my biological parents. I am a child who's been raped, abused, and used. A child that grew up in house of animals of which I was responsible for. When I finally left nobody believed me, then they did a house check they came and apologized they told me they thought I was exaggerating but when they saw they said I had under exaggerated it was worse than they pictured and worse than I had told them. I was taking care of 7 dogs, 21 chickens, and over 100+ cats and kittens in a standard family home, I was doing the laundry for a family 4 plus myself, the dishes and house cleaning. Id stay up all night with the cats about to give birth and help them deliver their kittens, then get my sibling lunches ready and wake my parents before I left for school in the morning...... I think this is enough for my first time, I'll write more and tell my story over time slowly I will tell my story

Date 2 guys 4 hours - My boyfriend at the time was nice and treated me amazing and he was so gentle with me and that stopped after this happened. I left to go over to his house which was a regular thing i was doing as we were dating at that time. His dad was home and so was he. And when i got in we went to the lounge and put on a movie. He paused the movie then he told me to take off my shirt. I told him it was a stupid idea since his dad was home and there is no way I would do it as I didnt want to and didnt feel comfortable. He hit me. He hadnt hit me before he was always gentle. But i got up and walked very quickly to the door to get out but it was locked. I went to the lounge to tell him to unlock it, then his dad walked in. He asked what was going on I said I wanted to leave. Then he got up from the sofa and grabbed my chest and said "your not leaving" i froze i didnt know what to do. He then said we were going up to his room. I couldn't refuse. I froze. I was scared i didnt know what to do. We went upstairs. He was holding my wrist as we went up the stairs it was bruised so badly. We went into his bedroom and he hit me again and again and was just screaming at me. His dad came in and locked the door. He stopped screaming and said take your shirt off or I will fucking hit you again. His dad was behind me and ripped my shirt off. He stopped screaming at me moved closer to me and put his hands around my throat strangling me and shoved me onto the bed. I had passed out because I had hit my head on the bed frame or wall in not too sure. I woke up to his dad ontop of me while I had my legs and wrists tied to the bed frame so I couldn't move. He said this is how it is done and then something in a different language. Then I felt a push. He was rapeing me. I didnt know what to do. I was frozen it hurt so much. They took turns rapeing me. Touching my chest fingering me and I remember them recording it all because they had a stand with a phone and i wasnt sure what it was at first. It hurt so much it is all blurry since I was crying from pain and how scared I was. I remember he was ontop of me while squeezing my chest and moaning while his dad was holding my legs down since I was trying to get out then after he finished they turned me over. I was too weak to fight and then they were reaching under me and grabbing my tits while rapeing me and taking turns. They stopped because they were both clearly exhausted. So they started to touch me instead. One was touching me while the other fingering me. I was in so much pain. I remember passing out alot but i remember every single part. It lasted for 4 hours. They then started to beat me and said if I told anyone they would show everyone the video, show my friends my teachers and people I knew. I remember after one of my lessons I had a huge panic attack and fell into my teachers classroom and started to break down infront of her. I told her everything. And showedher the threats he had been sending me and she saw the video. She helped me calm down then told me she had to tell safeguarding and the police . She helped me calm down and continously checked on me every day. Then she told me she was moving country . The Last thing she told me was I have to tell someone when I was struggling. My school safeguarding team didnt believe me and looked at me like I was crazy they had seen the video he had told them it was AI . Not one of them believed me because he was the 'nice kid who never got into trouble'. Every day at school i would see him he is in 2 of my classes. He got no punishment. He would wait at the end of lesson and pack up slowly or depending on how quickly i was packing up to walk behind me when we were leaving. He knew what he was doing. Once i was lining up outside my classroom and i felt someone grab my behind the corridors it was him. My school did nothing about it. The safeguarding team are ALL WOMEN . Not one of them believed me. When I had told them I was struggling with food. They checked on me once and said "have you eaten". They checked on me once. I showed them I struggled with self harm. Nothing. They didnt care. Later on that week I attempted. It didnt work. It was my last cry for help and the school did nothing. To this day he has had no punishment and I am still struggling. I just needed help and justice and he is still in my classes and still touching and assaulting me.

I could never remember my childhood well, even as a kid. But I started to be hypersexual at 3, and so thats when I believe me and my brother started touching (hes 3 and a half years older). When I was 12 I remembered and told my parents, my mom freaked out and screamed at me. She said it was my fault and that it wasn't too bad if I didn't tell anyone. I fear thats she's right. When I was 14 and in deep psychosis, I felt like there was more to remember. I started to feel my brother's hands over my body and mouth. I remembered us having sex 3 times. The first time when I was 6 and the last when I was 8. One of those times he was hitting me and pinning me. I dont know how real those memories are because I recovered them in psychosis. I started doing really bad cus all I could think about was me and my brother fucking. A couple of months ago I remembered my brother fucking me with his hands around my neck (which was painful). Im so scared that really happened because I see my brother daily and hes my best friend. Im worried ill remember more.

Last year I was gang raped. I have an ear ringing called tinnitus that has not stopped since. I have nightmares. I flew with my mom to a wedding overseas. I was excited. She would be busy with her friends and cousin and I would get to spend time with my awesome second cousin who is two years older than me. After the rehearsal dinner we went out. It was fun because I was not legally able to drink there even though the age was lower than in my province, but they did not check ID’s. I did not drink much because it was not my thing and I had a boyfriend but I was able to go to some bars then a club attached to a hotel. So much fun up to when we met two soldiers in uniform who were cute and separated us from her friends because of our looks. My cousin is stunning beautiful. They had a private room at the club and several soldiers were there and two prostitutes also. Those prostitutes definitely hated us being there. I wanted to get out anyway and the cute ones that invited us acted like they understood and took us out of there. We stupidly let them take us to their hotel room where they totally dropped the cute romantic act and made us strip our clothes to music. They showed us a gun they had in a drawer. I was terrified. They made us lay on our stomachs bent over the bed side by side and had sex with us that way. They switched like we were interchangeable before finishing in us with no protection. We held hands. I was crying while my cousin was trying to be strong and cheer me up. We weren’t allowed to leave and our clothes were hidden. Before took our phones we had to text that we were staying at my cousin’s friend’s house. Then they called two other soldiers, one of them a huge tall dark guy with body builder muscles. He was the worst to me. They made us dance and then we had to use our mouths on the cute ones that had lured us there while the other two had sex with us. I vomited and my cousin cleaned it up but then it started again. They had cocaine and made us sniff it off their parts and sniffed it off us. Another one came and I think it was just those five during the night but they kept raping us and making us do things even when we would pass out. I would like to have been more unconscious but cocaine makes you so awake. I want to remember less and think about it all less. We showered many times. The big dark one peed on me and in my mouth the shower. He did it more than once like I was his toilet. The other men even had to tell him to chill out when he was making me scream liking his fingers and pushing them in my arse, but not when he made me crawl around like a dog using my hair as a leash. I remember one of them calling their friends to tell them to turn all their t.v.’s way up to hide the noise in our room. They watched sports news on the t.v. They had me and my cousin kiss each other and stuff. I could not act like it was a fun party like my cousin did sometimes and encouraged me to do. She tried to take some of their attention away from me over and over. I love her for it but they did not leave me alone. My chest is something they were obsessed with. They did not care that I was obviously distressed and freaking out or that in my country I was three years below the age of consent. There I was the minimum. We woke up in the morning on one the beds together with only the two soldiers sleeping on the floor. The black one was gone! They had sex with us again and another man who was much older and who they called SIR came in and had sex with both us but mostly me. They cheered him on and my head was pounding and I was crying and it seemed to last forever. Finally we got our clothes back but they took us for brunch wearing their normal clothes. They showed me pictures on their phones that made it look like I was having fun and warned us how bad it would be if we said anything different than we had a nice party. A nice party in hell! Before that I’d had sex with only my 1 boyfriend ever. One night of hell and now my number was seven!! We had to start getting ready for the wedding right away and I was exhausted. My cousin hid me and I took a nap in my dress, hair and makeup until the last minute. I cried in the ceremony but not for the wedding. I was so sore in my vagina, muscles, and brain that I got so drunk at the reception I barely remember any of it. Just part of being on the plane home. I told my mom the truth when I got back and she got all crazy, so did my dad, and they tried to call over there and the hotel and such but there was nothing the police would do. I saw my dad cry for the first time as I told the whole story. My boyfriend could not handle it and dumped me. I go to group and do therapy. I take a pill everyday and now benzo’s for break through anxiety. I try to hide my large chest under baggy clothes where before I used it for attention. STUPID! My cousin does not seem to have the trauma I do or the nightmares. In her country they are done with secondary school up to two years before us and are more treated like adults sooner. I said mean things to her once because of it. She forgave me but we talk much less since I asked if she has gang bangs all the time. I felt terrible because she even let them have anal sex with her to lure them away from me. I could tell it hurt her so much but at the time was just thinking about my own survival. My childhood is OVER but I do not feel like an adult. Her advice is -Don’t let it get you so down-. Like I have a choice in this!! She went to a therapist ONCE because her mom made the appointment and does not plan to go back. Her life did not really change!! She works reception at a tech company and models on the side and still goes to parties and clubs and dates. How??? It is unbelievable how attitudes toward something like this can be so different in different countries. I am a victim now and I usually feel like it. Definitely damaged. Everybody at my school knows why. I am THAT girl. My new more mature boyfriend is understanding but I feel like a sad little burden to him. I am hypersexual sometimes now and can’t help it. It is a coping mechanism that happens to some victims of sexual assault. I did not ask for it. I worry my boyfriend can’t trust me because of it. I had an older guy friend who’s been my neighbor for years take advantage of me after I told him the story of what happened at his house. We had sex and then he felt guilty for being turned on by my rape story. He admitted it and asked me to forgive him. The sex helped me calm the ear ringing for just short time periods so I did it with him more than once a day for a bit until my dad started to suspect something and talked to him. Since then I don’t trust myself. I want to marry my boyfriend in large part just to protect myself and show him I love him and am loyal even though I am not sure I can be. I worry I cannot love like a normal person. I worry I push him away being too needy and wanting to marry him so soon. I need him more than he needs me. Is that the way it will always be in relationships for rape victims??? I work hard at school not to ruin my future. It is so hard to focus. My ears ring constantly. Thank you for listening.