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You think your age makes you less to blame, But I carry the weight, I bear the shame. You crossed the line — no excuse to hide, No softer words can wash this tide. I’m not the one who should feel small, You built this cage, you made me fall. No matter your years, no matter your face, You took from me my safe, my space. But here I stand, I claim my voice, I break the chains, I make the choice. I won’t be silent, I won’t back down, I wear my courage like a crown. So hear me now, and hear me clear, Your actions caused this pain and fear. Age won’t protect what you have done— I am the survivor, I have won.

I never associated my assaults as sexual assaults. I always just saw it as a thing that happened me that was upsetting until recently. I was groped, forced into having sex and preforming oral sex on him. I remember one time he offered to drive me home. I lived over 40 mins from town so I thought i could save myself €60 in a taxi. Until I realised we were going in the opposite direction to my house. He drove me to secluded area. I knew it wasn't right I said no said I was due my period I tried everything I could to deter him. It didn't work. I can't drive that road without a feeling of dread. I do feel part to blame and I know that's wrong. I hate how it makes me feel. When I hear stories in the news I can't help but think my story isn't as bad as theirs or that maybe mine wasn't rape or a sexual assault. I hate myself for thinking it.

Date’ I’m 16 years old. I went to a private school in region. There was a post grad following me around the party. I knew him so I wasn’t alarmed(even though he was 19 6’5” and 200 lbs a basketball player) He was my best friends ex. I needed to use the restroom. My first red flag. The guy tried to come in the bathroom. I said oh here you can go I’ll go somewhere else. Smooth move. I went upstairs and when I came out he was standing there waiting for me. He brought me into plunketts room and asked me to go on the roof and hook up. I said no I have a bf. He tried to kiss me I pushed him away. The fireworks were starting. We went on the roof after he apologized and said let’s just go smoke a cigarette. I agreed and we went out. This is when he forced me down and started kissing me. I was helpless 120, 5’8”. I cried and replied no stop pls stop. I can still feel the the rocky shingles on my back while he defiled me. Not even the worst part. I could hear ppl right under us but I was so embarrassed and scared I didn’t scream. That’s my worst regret I could have just screamed. When he was about to finish he gave me a choice. “I won’t come in you if you let me cum in your mouth”. I’m 40 and have never been the same since that incident

I didn't know what I was being asked to do. I was 6 years old. I didn't realize what had happened to me until recently. I tried to walk out of the room but I was manipulated into staying. He was my cousin. I didn't think he would use me. I didn't know what he did was wrong until about 1 year ago. It disgusts me to be around him. I have always felt for SA survivors, without knowing that I was one myself. I have taken the path of healing silently. Knowing my experience I know that there are children that are affected by this every day. I hope that by sharing my story, I can help young children know what is happening to them.

I was a victim of child sexual abuse when I was 7 years old and my cousin's stepbrother was 9 or 10. He abused me for two years. I told my mother what happened, and his parents punished him. Most of my family didn't believe me. In a conversation with my mother, she told me I had probably made up the whole abuse and that I was a liar, and I cried a lot that day. My grandmother is proud of him because he's a doctor in Germany and has a good life, while I'm trapped. I can't stand being touched and I can't get over it, even though I've been to therapy. Yesterday I saw his Instagram and felt bad because he moved on and I didn't. He told me it was a secret and I trusted him (the three of us were alone because my uncle and his wife -who is the mother of my abuser- are doctors so they were always in the hospital). They would leave the food ready for us and he (A) would put it in the microwave. A pulled my pants down a little or lift my skirt (if i was wearing one). When A was on top of me he was kissing me- it was overwhelming and i couldn't focus on anything else but his breath and voice, he was grabbing his crotch, but I didn't understand what he was doing. We were playing normal with his little sister and then A exclude her from the game to be alone with me so A put her in front of the television so she wouldn't focus on us and was distracted. Then A guided me to the room, he close the door to the room he shared with his sister (my cousin's bed was near the door and his wasn't), so he would make me lie down on the floor next to his bed so no one could see us. At first, I would get on top of him, but then he said I was too heavy to be in that position (I guess it wasn't comfortable for him to abuse me). That led to an eating disorder that I still have; I even developed anemia last year. I remember once I ran to the bathroom because something didn't feel right, but he started banging on the door but then I realized there was nothing I could do, I mean where would I go? My uncles locked us out. I remember once, A didn't close the door properly because his sister came in, and he straightened his clothes and pushed me under his bed, but his sister saw me and asked me what I was doing there, and I stayed there for a long time. And her sister got under the bed to keep me company; she was saying something to me, but I couldn't hear her, or maybe I wasn't paying attention. I think I'm broken, because his kisses and his voice in my ear were too much, and I never noticed if he ejaculated or if something else happened that I overlooked or never noticed because I never went to a doctor, my mom never reported him. And we couldn't count on my dad because he abandoned us and went off with the neighbor and treated her daughter as his own while the abuse was happening. That's why I lived in their house during that time; that's why the abuse continued because I was in the provinces and my mother traveled to the capital because of a false accusation my father made against her. A year later, my mother's half-brother baptized me with my abuser's mother, and I never said anything. I just smiled in the photos as if nothing was wrong while I hugged A. Now I´m 22 and I still feel sick and dirty.

I was about 8 years old when I was getting molested by my older brother. He's about 4-5 years older than me. I'm an adult now and finished college. My brain had repressed the memories of it for years and I didn't really remember it well until I was in therapy while at university for stress and depression. I think talking about my upbringing in therapy and my relationship with my parents finally made the memories surface. I always knew something bad was going on, I just didn't understand it. I remember multiple instances. He'd have me lay face down on my bed and pull my pants down to "massage" me. I think he only ever groped on my ass cheeks, but I can't remember. He did that multiple times. He came into my room once and made me get naked and he got behind me and laid on the floor behind my bed, out of view if the door opened, and he told me to not look and just sit back. I felt his penis and began to freak out, so he stopped. I think he was trying to penetrate me. I don't think he ever actually did. The last major time I can remember, I went into his room because I liked watching him play video games. He made me get naked again and lay in bed next to him naked. I felt him rubbing his penis on me. My mom opened the door and saw we were naked and began yelling. I was so scared anytime my mom yelled at me. I got out of bed quickly and got dressed. I was shaking so bad it was difficult. I ran out of his room to my room down the hall as she continued to yell at him. I thought I was in trouble too, even though I never understood what was going on. I just felt weird and gross after. She never came to check on me. Not that I remember at least. We didn't talk about it, she didn't take me to get help, there was nothing. All these years later, my mom called one night and I confronted her about it. I have no contact with my brother now and she'd always ask if I talked to him or talked to dad (they're divorced). I finally told her what I remembered. She said everything I expected her to say. She said she was sorry, that she thought it was only once and didn't want to imagine it happened multiple times. She said she failed as a mother and she thought at the time that she had handled it after threatening my brother to never do it again. No report, no doctor visit, no therapy, no help for me. I don't think she ever even told my dad. Just that she's sorry and should have done more. She said everything I already assumed she would and had played out in my head a hundred times before I ever asked her about it. None of it made me feel better to hear. I know the type of person she is already. Emotionally stunted, self-centered, victim complex. She hadn't changed much at all since then. She got upset and cried and eventually we both hung up. For my brother, I just finally stopped talking to him. I blocked him and I don't go to my dad's in case he's there again. I think the last time I saw him was almost a year ago. We didn't talk anymore anyway. I'd try before I remembered what happened. I think he remembers too and can't face it either, so we were never close after we grew up. I'm still processing how it all affected me. I honestly hate my mother more than him sometimes since she was the adult and did nothing. I'm not sure what else to say.

I was 16 I just started college when I met my ex he was 17 We talked for a week and then started dating he would manipulate me in to doing things and tell he things and gaslighted me And he would SA me every time I saw him Multiple times I dated him for almost 4 months when I broke up with him On the Date I when to is house and he SA I took my phone from me and when I went to get it he would pull me , drag me and push me away from it buy my arms and legs I broke up with him 2 day later This was almost 2 years old I reported it to the police He also SA 2 other people in the same class Who also reported him

It was my freshman year of college at a frat party. I’d only started drinking about 4 months prior. Only about 15-20 minutes after arriving at the party, I took a drink from a friend of a friend - Not knowing it had been roofied. Within about 10-15 minutes, my memory went completely. My friend reports seeing me glassy eyed, stumbling and very unwell. She did everything she could to sober me up, but made a decision to leave me at the party in a bed so I wouldn’t get in trouble with our small Christian college. I don’t blame her for this decision and never have - I probably would’ve done the same thing. The next morning I woke up, no pants on, next to a man I didn’t know. In the coming weeks, I learned he took photos of me that night and sent them to his entire frat group chat. He proceeded to stalk me around my campus, send me texts like “you look so good naked” and harass me further. My life was a living hell and to cope with it all, I dissociated from myself and developed an eating disorder to gain back some sense of control in my life. It took me a year to finally open up to my mom and sister about what I’d experienced. This was a decision sort of thrust upon me when I decided to report my rapist to my school and they told me I’d need support through the process. That was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, and while I was told they couldn’t do anything because it was my word against his, I am so truly glad I did. Telling my story opened up my journey to healing - One that number years later has allowed me to raise awareness for sexual assault and gow we can prevent it, as well as provide a support system for other individuals like me.

Hi I am 22 year old woman two years ago I finally admitted to myself that I am a childhood sexual abuse survivor… I finally spoke up and told my parents thank God they believe me they care for me. When I was 11 years old my 17 year old brother molested me a couple times not just once not just twice but I remember he molested me for a while in 2011. He performed oral on me and made me grind on his lap… I was an innocent little girl I didn’t know what was going on my parents always warned me of abuse but it wasn’t a stranger abusing me it was my own brother… I was very confused deep down I knew it was wrong deep down it didn’t feel right but my body said otherwise and it made me feel ashamed and guilt. He never forced me he wasn’t aggressive never used violence on me but he did groom me. We weren’t raised together my parents had to immigrate to the United States (personal reasons) my siblings had to stay with my grandparents, aunt and uncles (from my father’s side). I always felt lonely I’ve always wanted a big family I wanted a good relationship with my siblings so I tried my best to get close to them but my brother took advantage of my vulnerability. He manipulated me he gained my trust and abused me now that I am older I’ve realized how sick he was he used to tell me to sleep in his room all the time… the signs were always there but I was a very innocent child. Two years ago I had to confront myself and accept that I was sexually abused… my brother wanted to visit my parents I got really scared so I opened up to my parents. They believe me and they’re on my side it feels nice knowing they support me but ever since then I’ve been dealing with this repressed trauma and feelings this is my story.

I was coerced into sexting with a boy I knew in my freshman year of high school. I was 17 (a few months before me posting this, I'm 18 as of this past November!), and I did a lot of things I shouldn't have. My boyfriend at the time was very emotionally abusive, and I honestly wanted out so bad. But I was so convinced that he was still a good person, that I was scared to break his heart. I reconnected with an old friend from my old school that I went to a few years back - It was really nice talking to him at first, and I trusted him when I told him about some woes in my writing endeavors (I quite enjoy writing!), including the fact that I was bored and I didn't have any friends willing to write something more inappropriate with me. He told me "Maybe he could write with me", and at first I was excited! I wanted to take some big steps with my writing, so it sounded fun. But little by little as I set my boundaries, he starts trying to persuade me that they can be set aside. I told him I had a boyfriend, and as rough as things were, it didn't feel right. He told me it was okay. My boyfriend wouldn't know! It's not real anyways, why was I so worried? And I fell for it. It went from texts to pictures to him wanting to call - It wasn't even writing when we started like what I originally wanted, just straight sexting. And even on nights I didn't want to because I was tired or stressed, he told me I should. And I did. While I was dating someone. All of it was so wrong, but he had me convinced I would be just fine. Because I felt great and no one had to know. He called me "Hot", he called me "Cutie", and when it all happened he called me more names that I adored. And I starting forming a crush on him all based on the fact that I thought this was okay and that maybe he liked me back if he was asking me to do all this. By the end of it, I made it out of my toxic relationship, we continued our ritual, and he admitted he didn't think anything of me. I feel awful, I feel embarrassed, and every time I think about it, I want to tear all my skin off for doing it, period. After everything I knew about the consequences of sexting, while I was dating someone, and for being so foolish and letting him put my guard down. I feel used and objectified, and I feel so stupid. I spend everyday blaming myself.

I don’t even remember when it was. All I know if I was in Elementary maybe. It was my brother who was 2 years older. He had vhs porn! How? Idk when I sit and think about it I tend to find something to make me busy so I won’t revisit it. I ended up in our parents bed and I had body fluid on my back. I was exposed to this and I became hyper sexual as an adult. I just found out about COCSA as a 40 year old woman… I lived in so much shame still to this day. I’ve confronted my older brother he said “we were just kids” he seemed regretful but our parents don’t know and they are just oblivious. The older I get the more it weighs on my soul! Every part of my life has been altered or effected because of this act/s done to me. I wish I told my parents I wrote a letter today and thinking of mailing it. I have been so hard on myself and not trusting of myself for my entire life. My advice as a grown woman. Please use your voice… I am a survivor of domestic abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, divorce, emotional and esteem issues and dealing with an autoimmune disease now. I am learning about myself as a 40 year old woman where I hid all of my baggage for the last 30 years. Don’t suffer in silence.

"Name" There's a guy who started harassing me four months ago. I kept telling him to leave me alone and he wouldn't. He kept persisting and next I found myself really scared and out of it, drifting in and out of consciousness. Mostly unconscious I heard his voice and he said that he thought he was going to have to come and get me and bring me to his house. I felt like I'd been sexually violated or assaulted and knew I'd been somewhere around some bad people. It's like I could feel their energy all over me still and inside I felt really bad and I had not felt that way before then. I couldn't remember what happened. I only remember waking up a couple times, the first time I was bawling and crying then drifted back into unconsciousness. The next time I came to I remember feeling so bad like something really terrible and ominous had happened to me and I remember hearing myself asking someone who was there with me, this guy I didn't know, if I could die now since I felt it was over, whatever terrible thing it was. Then I went unconscious again. Next thing I know this other woman is screaming and this same guy is going off on me. She's arguing with him, I think? I can only hear her saying, you know that she didn't do anything to you and she said that he was just taking his shit out on me. Before this I remember it seemed like I was talking to this guy and he started having sex with me. I was still pretty out of it but it seemed like he had sex with me numerous times. Then I was out of it again and woke up with this guy telling me someone, this guy who he and I both knew saw my little girl and said that he wanted to kill her and started telling me in graphic detail about how he brutally attacked her sexually and killed her. That woman also said, you know how he refers to you when he talks to me? He calls you "The Stupid Bitch". I didn't know who these people were and later she went off on me herself calling me a slut and telling me that he talks to her with respect and that he doesn't do that with me because I didn't deserve respect. One minute she was going off on him and telling off on him and the next she was going off on me and telling me that I'm a mean person like all those mean people that want to expose him for doing this to other people. He even told me he'd done this to other women before himself and talked a little bit about them. I didn't know what was happening or where I was and I couldn't see anything. He also told me that some people he named did the same thing to my mentally and emotionally disabled sister who was also physically handicapped. I didn't know who this guy was and upon awakening again was confused and disoriented. He started telling me that I'd just been gang raped by at least 13 guys and not just by him. I didn't believe him but he started counting how many guys were in the room. I was so out of it but started to get a really bad feeling and thought I heard other voices in the room, in the background. He said that there was a guy who was going to come to my house and hurt me. I don't know who this guy is or any of these people but I remember at some point after that seeing one guy come up off the bed, from on top of me in the dark moving around and wanting to know if I had any money or valuables and he started looking around for some. I didn't get a good look at him and I was out of it and in and out of consciousness but I did hear his voice clearly when he said he thought he would have to take me back to his place. He sounded like a young man to me. He implicated other people who were involved in this but I felt like he just did that and said that because they were people I actually knew. I kept saying, no they wouldn't do that. But then because I was still out of it at the time and had been harmed I accused one guy and confronted him and just embarrassed myself and him. Exactly what I think this guy wanted and that's not all he did. He intentionally knew I wasn't well when he targeted me, started stalking me and did all of this. I had previously been diagnosed with PTSD due to other trauma in my life and then within a period of time my mother, my cousin, who helped raise me and my sister who I had a close bond with who had just died tragically and suddenly only months before this had me in this deep shock and grief, just disbelief. I was in the darkest place of my life. Because of what some other family members did it was a real nightmare like I can't even begin to describe. It was so traumatic for me and then this happened. He did this and she did this, I knew I was being abused, shamed, humiliated and dehumanized and he was using a made up name at the time, had short black hair from what he said, then later starting using another name, Name. He told me the kind of music he liked, The Misfits and Black Flag. He creepily hit on me after severely damaging me and started saying something like he felt like he was my man now. That woman was screaming that he only wanted sex and that he was a womanizer when he was saying that to me. Both of them immediately started denying that they'd done anything when I said I was going to tell people what they did to me. I said he damaged me and every time I'd say that he'd say, "No, you weren't damaged." I just ached in pain and he'd say something like that like "No, you're not damaged." He even said I felt to kind of rub it in at one point, "C'mon, it wasn't THAT bad was it?" like he knew he'd harmed me and was being sarcastic. He said there was other guys in that room but I only ever was sure of him and her being there. I asked him why did he pick me, why did he do this? He said you want reasons? You want reasons? It's because I don't care about who you are as a person, that's why. They both kept saying that all throughout the ordeal over and over and I thought why do they keep saying that? No one cares about you as a person. We don't care about you as a person. She'd say, he has all of his shit together he just doesn't care about you as a person. Over and over like I was being indoctrinated. Then they would mention the name of someone I knew and say, *this person* doesn't care about you as a person and at one point was chanting that certain people I knew wanted me to kill myself. I still don't know to this day who these people are or were and they still haunt me and harass me inside of my head after everything I've been through I thought they tried to make me crazy, she said he does this kind of thing to fuck people like me up. It just feels like they tried and are still somehow trying to destroy me and my life. I can't even get them out of my head even today.

Hello! I don't know how to go about this at all, but I know I need to put it out there. I am a lesbian over 21 years of age, and I experienced rape and sexual assault by my last lesbian partner. I apologize if this is long, but if anyone reads this, it's greatly appreciated! I met my ex last January, and we texted for about a month before we had our first date. the first date went well, nothing concerning. The second date, which was 2-3 days after our first one, was where it all started. I didn't mind that she kissed me first, but I got nervous when she told me she wanted to take it to the backseat. She started to grope me and to palm me through my clothing before eventually trying to get her hand in my jeans. I stopped her and told her I wasn't comfortable doing any of that yet. Her response was "Oh, but eventually you will want to, right?" and to that I said "yes, but not right now." She continued anyway. That's the moment I look back on and wish I had left. I stayed. Maybe a date or two pass without her doing anything concerning again before there's another incident. We are in her car outside her workplace for an event we chose to go to. There are people on the street. She starts making out with me, to which I feel icky about bc people can probably see us and it's not appropriate. This time she starts to palm me through my skirt again, and at this point I kind of don't remember much other than me saying that I was scared and nervous, and it doesn't seem safe, and her coercing me. Before I know it, she has her hand down my underwear and is raping me. we didn't go to the event. we left and she told me next time she could find a secluded place. she never did. and that's where it all started. over the next 5 months she would rape me in her car every single chance she could. every single time I told her I wasn't comfortable. I would wear tight underwear, but she would still do everything to do it. if she didn't, she would get mad and stonewall me. but there was never once where it wasn't attempted. the worst night was maybe a month after it all started. again, in her backseat. it was in a fairly public parking lot, she tried to cover the windows with clothes, but it was still obviously visible. she made me lay down and take off all my bottoms and completely spread open. it was so humiliating. she then proceeded to violently rape me so bad and painful I was crying and holding on my screams bc I didn't want to bring attention to the situation or possibly get in trouble. I told her I was comfortable and that I wanted to scream but she just threw a cloth over my face so I wouldn't focus on it. after I had to put my clothes back on and I ruined them. I was in pain for maybe up to a weel after or a bit more. now I wish I had gotten evidence of that night, but I have none. In total I think it happened around 14 times. the same care situations in public that I hated. during the relationship I was blinded to an extent, and I didn't realize it counted as rape until after we broke up. At first, I had accepted what happened but now I have a new partner. my new partner coincidentally works with my rapist ex. ever since finding that out I feel completely distraught and suffocated by what she did to me. Not only that. before finding out they worked together they sat next to each other and were becoming friends. so my ex told my current gf how I am a terrible person and that she's afraid of me. they don't speak anymore. I don't know I just feel suffocated by it all. she also has a new gf. I wish I could tell her new gf to be careful, but I'm scared. in my community there's so much stigma around rape and homosexuality. I don't think I could ever safely publicly come out with my story as much as I want to. she completely changed my life. it's like I don't know how to be myself anymore and I feel like I'm going insane.

i was assaulted at Dateby my neighbor someone who we thought we could trust. and it was awful telling. i mean he never you know but yeah. and it happened for 2 years before i told anyone. he is still my neighbor and i still seem him sometimes. when i was younger it was a issue to where we got a protective order because he would wave at me. the cops wanted to arrest him but they said there wasn’t enough so i still have to see him. and i wasn’t okay for so long. i attempted and everything, i had bad ptsd, but im okay and im stronger than ever. and i have thought about it so much, but yk what, i don’t think if i could go back i wouldn’t change it because i stopped someone else from going through it. anyway, you will be okay

as a survivor, i have never been through so much pain. i was six and i was at my sisters house with my best friend name. i’ve known name forever, my brother from another mother. that night he watched me change into my polka dot nightgown thinking it was funny and giggling behind the door. btw he was 8. and he then raped me that night, “a game” he said as he put his hand on my shoulder. the 2nd time, i was still six. we were gonna watch the land before time because it was almost the end of the kindergarten year. i was waiting on the carpet for my best friendname 2. midway through the movie he touched me, continuously kissing my neck and cheek, then put his cold hands down my cat and jack leggings. the teacher yelled and we went in the hallway. she yelled at me like it was my fault, but i haven’t seen him till this day. no matter how much pain i want to put on him, i believe that it was done on him and he thought it was okay. but that is no excuse. i’ve blamed myself for years and years and now i’m speaking the truth. when i told people this happened i said it happened a much recent time so they would believe me. no matter how hard it may be, you will get through it. i’ve been to countless places, some may help, some might not. but speak the truth, speak for you. cause at the end of the day it’s not “man or bear”, it’s the fact that you survived that. you will get through it ml.

Hi, I was just wondering if this fits the criteria of sexual assault to an extent or just non-verbal communication in this situation. I went to a gay cruising spot out of curiosity and I did end up doing some stuff there. The first guy it was fine, nothing really went wrong, I said no when I didn't want something and everything went fine. The second guy was a bit iffy since I saw him do something naughty and I was curious, and admittedly wanted to check on him. When I approached him, he was touching himself (sorry) and when he saw me, he touched my junk as I approached. I did partially have an issue with him not saying anything about wanting to touch my junk, but I did still approach and asked him I wanted to touch his and he said yes. A part of me wanted to say no or say something regarding it, but I felt like something should have been said, but a partial bit of me (not 100% on this feeling) wanted to see where it goes. I'm After a short bit, took a short break, and continued. He did touch my butt but I said no and he did back off. I also touched his butt back but he said nothing regarding it. We continued with ourselves and then shortly again, I allowed him to touch me (not verbally, but by showing him which this is non-verbal consent right?) and he did the same (sorry again). After finishing and I did tell him "thank you", but I did feel somewhat guilty for letting myself to get to that position and was wondering why I felt so iffy about it. I wasn't forced to do it, I approached on my own volition Maybe because I didn't want this to be my first same sex experience. I'm super sorry for the tmi, but I was wondering if this means anything?

I met a guy online, we became close and after around a month of talking we met up for the first time. We talked for hours, had our first kiss, set boundaries (or so i thought). For example, one of my main ones is i struggle with sexual stuff due to being assaulted on a bus when i was 14. As time went in i noticed the only time he’d have a full conversation with me was when it was based on sex. I met up with him a second time and he was touching me in specific places and i froze. Inside, i felt like i couldn’t breathe. But i couldn’t say no. I couldn’t move to get away. I told myself i was being dramatic and ignored how gross i felt when i went home. The third time, it happened again, this time i had tears rolling down my cheek, i was frozen, tense. After a few minutes he stopped and smirked, saying “you’re so tense.” He laughed. Again, i ignored the whole thing and said i was being dramatic. New years, i stayed at his. I woke up to his hand in my shorts. I pretended to be asleep, again, i couldn’t move. I couldn’t breathe. I wanted to scream. I wanted to hit him. But i was frozen. I came home and haven’t spoken about it until today, as i’m writing this, i spoke to my best friends and they said it is assault. I feel so dirty.

I hadn't seen my bestfriend from school for about a year, She invited me to attend her college ball. I flew in off the back of a week of drinking and not sleeping. Specifically I had not slept the night before so when I arrived at the college I was thoroughly exhausted. She said we were going to the pub straight away, I didn't bother getting changed and was so sick of alcohol that I could hardly sip my drink. At the pub she introduced me to her boyfriend and his twin brother. She had been encouraging me to get with him, so that we could go on double dates. I hung out with them for majority of the night as I didn't really know anyone else there and had so much to catch up on with my bestfriend. A little later on I got very hungry, I hadn't eaten lunch or dinner that day. I went around and asked my friends if they wanted to go and get food with me, they said no. My bestfriend's boyfriend's brother piped up, he said he would come with me. I felt uncomfortable but thought he was a nice guy and I was only going next door. At the maccas I ordered six chicken nuggets, as I ate he sat there watching, he then started demanding that I hurry up. As we left he walked next to me and then leant in and kissed me, it was weird, I didn't think I had been giving off signals that I was interested in him. As I kept walking he suddenly said, lets go back to the college. I had been saying all night that I was really keen to sleep and hadn't slept for 24 hours but I said no, I want to go back to the pub with my friends. He insisted that I go back with him to college right then and there, and I repeatedly said no, he then started saying that my friends were messaging him and they said they were going back in 15 mins. I still refused, he then hailed a cab and said that I had to now and he was paying for it so it was a free trip. In the cab I sat in the middle seat, I leant on his shoulder, and he immediately started grabbing my breasts, painfully hard, I forced him off and jolted upright. Realising I had lost my wallet, I asked the cab to turn back, but he told the cab no and to keep driving and that he was the one paying. At the college, I had no idea where I was, he said, "lets go back to my car" and panic began to set in, had he not realised why I was here? I did not want to do anything sexual I was here to sleep as I had said over and over again. I asked him to take me to my bestfriend's room, he lead me through numerous empty pitch black hallways and doors, finally he stopped and entered a room, I had been following about 5/10m behind constantly looking for an exit or somewhere to run. I walked in and sat on the bed on my phone. I was frantically texting my friends asking when they were going to be back, this was not my ex-bestfriend's room. They said maybe 30mins, as I was texting he came over and said, "give me your phone." I said, "what, no. why?" "so you don't get distracted." "distracted for what? I don't want to do anything." After waiting for a few more minutes I lay down. He lay down next to me and began touching my body. He even started trying to put his hands down my pants. I kept pushing him off and saying no, stop and I don't want to do anything. He continued for what felt like 45mins. He put his fingers on and into my vagina. Eventually I stopped resisting. He got up and told me to take his shirt off, I said no, I don't want to do anything. He took his own shirt off. He proceeded to take my pants off. He pulled me ontop of him and grabbed my throat. He started hitting my right buttox. and calling me a fucking slut and fucking dumb bitch. I could not breathe, everytime I fought he choked me harder, hit me harder and squeezed my breasts harder. I was shouting No and Stop when I could. It did not do anything. After he pushed me off but kept his hand on my stomach. He said, "I'm going again." I was still saying "No." "If you don't let me go again, I will get some other fucking slut too. I can get any other bitch out there. I can get anyone." "Good!" With that he rolled ontop and forced my legs apart, he starting licking my vagina. - His brother knocked and the door and tried to force his way in, he was still swearing and shouting at me and the brother, calling him a cunt and telling him to fuck off. I hid under the sheets, when they left I went to get up but he pushed me back down so I was sitting on the bed and forced his penis in my face. He held my head with one hand and his penis with the other as I moved my face side to side saying no. He backed off then did the same thing again. Finally he backed off, I scrambled for my clothes but couldn't find my phone. I screamed at him, "where is my phone!" he completely ignored me and sat on the bed on his own phone. This went on for a few minutes, I began frantically searching the room and found it buried on a desk shelf under clothes and other items. It was on aeroplane mode, I had missed calls from the police, my friends, my parents. as I tried to escape, he kept pulling me back down onto his lap. from behind, from the front, I was still shouting NO. When I got to the door, it was jammed shut with mattresses, I yanked at the handle, and only a tiny light shone through. He started coming over and I started pushing myself through the door. He yanked my arm and said, "Don't I get a goodbye kiss, you better message me tomorrow, on facebook." He forced his mouth on me as I turned my head from side to side and with renewed fright slid straight through the gap in the door. A friend saw me and called out, I ran to her, she showed me my bestfriend's room. She was sick while the other watched, "where have you been, we've all been looking for you." I burst into tears, "was it a bad experience with a boy?" I nodded. "thats ok, it happens to everyone" "yeh just get over it. you're just overreacting." The police arrived that night to give me my wallet but the twin brother and my bestfriend stood there making sure I didn't say anything. Later that night I rolled up in a corner on the floor, I closed my eyes waiting for morning to come. Nightmares flashed in and out of my mind. And then at around 3am he came into the room I was sleeping, with his friends. I was so scared I couldn't move at all. I was so scared that when he pegged a football at my face I didn't even flinch. He openly denied that anything had happened to his friends in that room. My 'bestfriends' they laughed and watched. Covered in bruises the next day my bestfriend and other friends said nothing. Now they are my ex-friends and my ex-bestfriend. Some refused to give statements to the police, the others colluded to make a story with the rapist. One of their mothers even rang up mine and got mad, saying the police rang her daughter at work and she was really upset and whats all this nonsense, it happened over a year ago. They spread rumours around saying that I was overreacting and nothing bad happened to me. I have never told a single one of those girls what happened to me, they have made their own assumptions. They have never messaged me or talked to me about it, even now that he has been arrested, nothing. I now have new bestfriends, they have never interrogated me, not believed me or believed the lie that he is now spreading. I adore them and I am so honoured that they call me a friend. I owe them my life.

She was hurt too. She is so damaged and hurt just like me. But I still didn't deserve what she did to me.