Community

This is not really a story, but I wrote a letter to my rapist which I will never send. I don’t want to keep it in, not be alone with it. I want somebody to hear me even though it’s not him that will listen. I don’t know how I can miss and hate you so much, while still having so much love for you. You did the worst possible thing a best friend could do. You used the trust I had in you to benefit yourself and ignored my feelings along the way. I have so much love for you and I can’t show it, because you don’t deserve my love. You said you cared about me, then why didn’t you stop when I said no? How did you think I was just playing when I pushed you away, kept saying no and “I can’t”. I don’t understand how you played that role so well, everyone fell for it. Your actions never matched your words. When I told you I was raped and I don’t want to sleep with you, you said that’s okay, you’ll wait. The next thing I know, you come into the bathroom and ask me if I want to fuck. You said you never wanted to make me feel uncomfortable, yet when i clearly was, you didn’t give a fuck. You literally said “I know you can’t, but I’ll keep trying until you say yes.” Wtf man. I trusted you. I believed you when you told me you knew what I was feeling. It must be the truth, right? You were so sure about my feelings, that I started to believe they were real. When I realized that maybe I didn’t have those feelings and told you, you asked me how I could do something like that. Break your heart, lie to your face, that I’m a psychopath for playing with your feelings like that. And once again you talked me into what you wanted. I didn’t want to loose you, so I thought if this is what it takes to keep you in my life, I’ll try. But you kept pushing. You raped me. I know you don’t see it that way. I did play along. I made you believe I enjoyed it but all I could think about during it was, please just cum. In my core I knew I didn’t want this but it made you happy, so I played along. You ignored all the signs I gave you that I feel uncomfortable. I never kissed you first, I never initiated anything, I always said I can’t and no. You purposefully ignored it. You’re not that dumb. You can’t say you’re a good person. You think you are, but you’re most definitely not. I don’t know how a person can be so blind to who they really are. Maybe you’re not? Maybe you knew exactly what you were doing. I like to think that the real you was the person I trusted with my life, the person I ran to when I needed comfort, you were my safe place. But I know that’s not you. You’re the person that manipulated me into a “relationship” with you. You’re the person that raped me, followed me and made me have panic attacks. Even when I was trying to hide from you, you found a way to get to me and make me feel horrible. You deserve an explanation for why I stopped talking to you? That’s what you repeated endlessly. I tried to give you one, you started laughing. At that point I saw the real you. The manipulative you. The you that doesn’t want to hear anything except what you believe to be true. You don’t really want an explanation, you want to get an opportunity to manipulate me again. You’re the victim in your own story. I broke your heart. I hurt your feelings. But you know what, you took something from me that I’ll never get back. You made me feel horrible. Like I was wrong for not wanting to sleep with you. You made me doubt myself. Everytime you raped me you took a piece of my heart and I don’t know if I’ll ever get that back. I told you everything, sometimes I felt like you knew me better than I know myself. You made me feel excited about my future. You gave me so much hope about being able to choose my own path. I loved you. I loved the way you made me feel. Safe. Seen. Full of potential. Happy. Now I look at you and my chest starts to tighten, my heart beats faster, I want to run, get away from where ever you are. You made me feel fear when I saw you. Fear. And you knew that, you knew I didn’t want to see you and still you came over whenever there was a chance. Every time I saw you, I could feel all the love I still had for you. It hurt so much, that I can love a person this much and fear them at the same time. My mind can’t comprehend what you did. It was so out of character. The more I thought about it, the more it wasn’t though. You gave me hints to the person you really are and I just ignored them, thought they weren’t that important. Thank you for teaching me to never overlook and fall for that again. I was always told I am really grown up for my age. I never wanted to be, I just had to. Growing up I was the only person I could depend on. I learned to deal with stuff myself. But this, this didn’t make me stronger, this didn’t make me wiser. This shattered my world. I have to learn to trust people again. That has always been a big issue for me, but I got it under control. Now, I isolate myself. I have so much anxiety that I just can’t handle it. You gave me that anxiety. I hope I’ll be okay someday, I know I need to work hard for it. I know you’ll be okay in a week. You’re gonna tell people I’m a crazy bitch who broke your heart and you did nothing wrong. That’s what happened with M. You know he didn’t even ask me what happened or if I was okay. He just told me that it’s my job to go and check on you, because I broke your heart. I knew he was your best friend but I thought I was his friend as well. You probably felt good about the fact that he hurt me so much with that Facebook message. And how he hurt me, I can’t even put into words the betrayal I felt. I know that has nothing to do with you, but I just needed to let you know. I wish I could talk to you, I wish I could hug you, I wish you were the person I thought you were. I know that’s not possible and that’s okay. I will grief and I will miss you. I don’t know if that will ever stop, I hope it does. I just want you back, it’s like you died. You did die. The version of you I had in my head, my safe place, my best friend is dead. And I don’t know how to grief a person that is still alive. You’re still here and I know I could just call you or send you a message but that’s not the person I want to talk to. I want to go back in time and I want you to just accept my no. Why didn’t you accept my no??? I hate that I still love you this much. I love you so much. I can deal with the rape, I’m strong enough to not let that affect my worth. What I can’t deal with is that you were the one that raped me. You. Why did it have to be you?

I had an entire story written out but don't know if I'm ready to tell it in detail yet. Basically as a young man in my early twenties I was lured to a house by an older man, drugged, raped, and then essentially sexually and psychologically tortured over a period of two weeks. All of this was an attempt to condition me to essentially believe I deserved it all, and to continue to participate in these acts where I was degraded, raped, humiliated, which I did. I pulled away a few times over the years but would always come back. Usually personal setbacks would trigger the shame for what had happened to me and what I had willingly done and I would go back. Finally I got married and moved to another state. But I never really cut contact with them. During the marriage I was in pyschiatric hospitals two times. I had been developing loss of sexual sensitivity issues for a long time and refused to get them treated, because I felt I didn't deserve my wife. 6 months before it ended I started engaging in self harm that increased this issue. I wanted to stop any chance I had of being with her in that way. Eventually she divorced me. I left for my home state and went straigh back to the group I was with before. I lived that lifestyle until two years when I stopped completely. There is more to tell but basically I don't understand the actions of most of my life. I was lured into this against my will, but willingly entered into it after some coercion. When I experienced my first rape my entire thinking and understanding of the world shifted. If that hadn't happened, would I have sought out some similar group of people and done similar stuff? I don't see myself as a victim. But if I do secretly want the life with the “group,” why do I keep leaving it. Why when I leave it am I able to live a somewhat normal life? But end up seeking destruction again? I'm writing this because within the last few weeks I have felt that despite the force and coercion, I chose to participate. And knowing that have had feelings that I'm essentially bad, and thus put myself back in harmful situations.

I am age 60. I was raped, I guess, a few decades ago. I cannot recall the year due to blocks. Not sure why that is. But I don't pressure it. My rapist was a federal executive, with a secret clearance. He defrauded me in the marriage, with held his autism and clearance status from me. Deeply manipulated me. Spied on me with tech in our home. This was between 1990s and 2017. Spying on me enabled his raped of me. I learned he was spying on my computer as he raped me. But, I have an art degree, in 2017 (the rape was previous to 2017) I could not grasp how he spied. But the raped proved to me he was. It destroyed me. As an empath, trusting, I guess to a fault, I never comprehended he was violating my privacy and when he violated my body: it crushed me. It took decades to walk again, by this I mean stand. Emotionally stand. I hid it from therapists. I told hospitals he raped me and they ignored that report then released me directly back into his power. This continued assaults. All I can say to young women is; you are not to blame. I learned my ex was a legitimate pyschopath. And that enabled the rape. Few can navigate psychopath abuse. But, even fewer when your rapist is a federal executive with a secret clearance. Don't give up. Ever. Don't ever give up. You don't deserve to be treated like a female animal. Nor your daughters. Sadly, white men in power? Never progressed into civility.This is my story. DON'T GIVE UP.

I Saved Myself Every system that was supposed to protect me failed me. My family. The police. The courts. Children and Youth. I had to save myself. This is how. I met him in 2016. After my son was born. He came in like a knight in shining armour. The devil was hiding inside him. I moved in with him the day I met him. The control started right away. One summer day he went through my phone. He threw it and it shattered. He pushed me on the porch. I fell with my son in my arms. My body became his shield. The neighbors called the police. They arrested him. His mother showed up and asked me what did you do. Not what happened. Not are you okay. What did you do. Then she turned off the air conditioning and left my son and me to sweat in the summer heat. She was our landlord. I should have left then. I did not know how. One year after the porch I stood in Walmart with empty pockets and a hungry three year old. He had made sure there was no food in the house. Not because we were broke. Because he did not care. I stole an entire bag full of food. I did not make it past the door. Security stopped me. The police came. I broke. They put me on a 302 hold right then. And they took my son. Not to family. To foster care. The system does not ask why you stole. It just sees a crime and punishes you for surviving. A month later my mom got him. She fought through paperwork and background checks from out of state. She brought him home. I stayed behind. I did not know how to leave anymore. He decided we were moving. Hours from my mom. Hours from my son. Hours from anyone who could help. Then I was raped to have a baby. I tried to get an abortion. He refused. He abused me for trying. He drove me hours back home against my will instead of to the appointment. I told him I could not do this. He said we are keeping it. I said I do not think I can. He said you do not have a choice. Four words. Final. When my daughter was born they put her on my chest. I felt nothing. Not love. Not relief. Just emptiness. I thought I do not know how to love you. I do not even know how to love myself. A few days after we got her home he grabbed my weeks old daughter from her crib and threw her into her swing. He called her a fat fucking pig. He propped her bottle on a blanket so he would not have to hold her. I stood frozen. If I moved it would get worse. We moved to city, state. The house had holes in the floors. No heat. It was winter. We lived in one room with a space heater. Two days after we moved in I could not take it anymore. I left her in her swing. He was home. I walked to the nearby school and called an ambulance. I told them I slapped my daughter. I lied. It was the only way to get a 302 hold. The only way to be taken seriously. They kept me for weeks. I finally slept. Then Children and Youth knocked. The caseworker said his mother had temporary legal guardianship of my daughter. I believed them. I had no lawyer. I was drowning. So I complied. What I found out much later is that it was a lie. She never had guardianship. But by then I had acted like she did. And the system called that abandonment. We moved into a camper on his mothers front lawn. My daughter lived inside the house. We lived outside in the cold. They expected me to visit her. I could not walk through that door. His mother was in there. Watching. Judging. The woman who enabled everything. So I left. A few days later he texted that I could get my things. Everything I owned was destroyed. Clothes ripped. Photos torn. Deliberate. A message that said if I can not have you you get nothing. Everyone asked what are you going to do about your daughter. Not how are you healing. Not what do you need. I fought for custody because that is what mothers are supposed to do. Then the court gave me a choice. Sign over full custody or keep fighting and lose anyway. I signed. He texted me. If you want to see her you have to pay. He turned my daughter into a transaction. Years later I tried again. Every other weekend she came to my apartment and screamed for her dad for hours. He had told a four year old she was not allowed to like her mother. Then I found out I was pregnant. Not forced this time. Chosen. With someone safe. He started texting me constantly. Telling me I was worthless. Telling me to kill myself. Just off yourself. Everyone would be better off. Over and over. I was pregnant. I called Children and Youth. The same system that failed me before. They said there is not much we can do unless there is immediate danger. And just like that I was the problem again. Not him. Not the system. Me. So I made a choice. I stopped seeing my daughter. I stopped answering his texts. I stopped performing. I moved three hours away with my partner and had the baby I chose. The baby I wanted. I pay child support every month. On time. Because that is my legal obligation. But I do not call. I do not visit. And I do not feel guilty about it anymore. I am writing this from my living room. My baby is asleep in the next room. The baby I chose. For the first time in my life I understand what people mean when they say motherhood is beautiful. Because it can be. When it is chosen. When it is supported. When it is safe. People ask if I regret it. I regret that she exists in pain. But I do not regret leaving. I do not regret choosing myself. I do not regret finding peace. This is not a redemption story. Forced motherhood does not always end with healing. Sometimes it ends with walking away. And that is okay. Because my life matters too. My survival matters too. If you are reading this and you see yourself in my story. If you were forced into motherhood. If you are drowning and no one believes you. You are not alone. You are not broken. You are not a monster. You are surviving. If you need permission to choose yourself. If you need someone to tell you it is okay to walk away from something that is destroying you. I am giving it to you. You are allowed to survive. You are allowed to choose peace. Healing is not the ending. It is the direction. And I am still walking it.

I could never remember my childhood well, even as a kid. But I started to be hypersexual at 3, and so thats when I believe me and my brother started touching (hes 3 and a half years older). When I was 12 I remembered and told my parents, my mom freaked out and screamed at me. She said it was my fault and that it wasn't too bad if I didn't tell anyone. I fear thats she's right. When I was 14 and in deep psychosis, I felt like there was more to remember. I started to feel my brother's hands over my body and mouth. I remembered us having sex 3 times. The first time when I was 6 and the last when I was 8. One of those times he was hitting me and pinning me. I dont know how real those memories are because I recovered them in psychosis. I started doing really bad cus all I could think about was me and my brother fucking. A couple of months ago I remembered my brother fucking me with his hands around my neck (which was painful). Im so scared that really happened because I see my brother daily and hes my best friend. Im worried ill remember more.