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I was in a abusive marriage for many years. I never told anyone and was incredibly ashamed of myself and what I was allowing to happen. He was a military man. We moved around and I had few friends. We had children. One girl from my previous relationship and 2 children together. He sexually abused me. The last time resulted in my 3rd child. Years later my oldest child told me he was "touching" her. I reported it immediately and ne er doubted my child. A few months later, my 2nd child told me the same. He had raped her. Needless to say, I reported both abuses. And I left him. Moved out of state. He did some prison time, remarried and has built a new life for himself. 20 years later I am still angry, full of hate towards him and sickened by the thought of him. He was a registered sex offender, but after 20 years he petitioned to be removed. Time goes by and I'm okay. Other times I am depressed, full of anger, sadness, bitterness, grief & so much more. Not sure what I want to do? Do I need more therapy? Do I have Ptsd? My kids thank goodness, have turned out well. Me, sometimes I wonder.

Last year I was gang raped. I have an ear ringing called tinnitus that has not stopped since. I have nightmares. I flew with my mom to a wedding overseas. I was excited. She would be busy with her friends and cousin and I would get to spend time with my awesome second cousin who is two years older than me. After the rehearsal dinner we went out. It was fun because I was not legally able to drink there even though the age was lower than in my province, but they did not check ID’s. I did not drink much because it was not my thing and I had a boyfriend but I was able to go to some bars then a club attached to a hotel. So much fun up to when we met two soldiers in uniform who were cute and separated us from her friends because of our looks. My cousin is stunning beautiful. They had a private room at the club and several soldiers were there and two prostitutes also. Those prostitutes definitely hated us being there. I wanted to get out anyway and the cute ones that invited us acted like they understood and took us out of there. We stupidly let them take us to their hotel room where they totally dropped the cute romantic act and made us strip our clothes to music. They showed us a gun they had in a drawer. I was terrified. They made us lay on our stomachs bent over the bed side by side and had sex with us that way. They switched like we were interchangeable before finishing in us with no protection. We held hands. I was crying while my cousin was trying to be strong and cheer me up. We weren’t allowed to leave and our clothes were hidden. Before took our phones we had to text that we were staying at my cousin’s friend’s house. Then they called two other soldiers, one of them a huge tall dark guy with body builder muscles. He was the worst to me. They made us dance and then we had to use our mouths on the cute ones that had lured us there while the other two had sex with us. I vomited and my cousin cleaned it up but then it started again. They had cocaine and made us sniff it off their parts and sniffed it off us. Another one came and I think it was just those five during the night but they kept raping us and making us do things even when we would pass out. I would like to have been more unconscious but cocaine makes you so awake. I want to remember less and think about it all less. We showered many times. The big dark one peed on me and in my mouth the shower. He did it more than once like I was his toilet. The other men even had to tell him to chill out when he was making me scream liking his fingers and pushing them in my arse, but not when he made me crawl around like a dog using my hair as a leash. I remember one of them calling their friends to tell them to turn all their t.v.’s way up to hide the noise in our room. They watched sports news on the t.v. They had me and my cousin kiss each other and stuff. I could not act like it was a fun party like my cousin did sometimes and encouraged me to do. She tried to take some of their attention away from me over and over. I love her for it but they did not leave me alone. My chest is something they were obsessed with. They did not care that I was obviously distressed and freaking out or that in my country I was three years below the age of consent. There I was the minimum. We woke up in the morning on one the beds together with only the two soldiers sleeping on the floor. The black one was gone! They had sex with us again and another man who was much older and who they called SIR came in and had sex with both us but mostly me. They cheered him on and my head was pounding and I was crying and it seemed to last forever. Finally we got our clothes back but they took us for brunch wearing their normal clothes. They showed me pictures on their phones that made it look like I was having fun and warned us how bad it would be if we said anything different than we had a nice party. A nice party in hell! Before that I’d had sex with only my 1 boyfriend ever. One night of hell and now my number was seven!! We had to start getting ready for the wedding right away and I was exhausted. My cousin hid me and I took a nap in my dress, hair and makeup until the last minute. I cried in the ceremony but not for the wedding. I was so sore in my vagina, muscles, and brain that I got so drunk at the reception I barely remember any of it. Just part of being on the plane home. I told my mom the truth when I got back and she got all crazy, so did my dad, and they tried to call over there and the hotel and such but there was nothing the police would do. I saw my dad cry for the first time as I told the whole story. My boyfriend could not handle it and dumped me. I go to group and do therapy. I take a pill everyday and now benzo’s for break through anxiety. I try to hide my large chest under baggy clothes where before I used it for attention. STUPID! My cousin does not seem to have the trauma I do or the nightmares. In her country they are done with secondary school up to two years before us and are more treated like adults sooner. I said mean things to her once because of it. She forgave me but we talk much less since I asked if she has gang bangs all the time. I felt terrible because she even let them have anal sex with her to lure them away from me. I could tell it hurt her so much but at the time was just thinking about my own survival. My childhood is OVER but I do not feel like an adult. Her advice is -Don’t let it get you so down-. Like I have a choice in this!! She went to a therapist ONCE because her mom made the appointment and does not plan to go back. Her life did not really change!! She works reception at a tech company and models on the side and still goes to parties and clubs and dates. How??? It is unbelievable how attitudes toward something like this can be so different in different countries. I am a victim now and I usually feel like it. Definitely damaged. Everybody at my school knows why. I am THAT girl. My new more mature boyfriend is understanding but I feel like a sad little burden to him. I am hypersexual sometimes now and can’t help it. It is a coping mechanism that happens to some victims of sexual assault. I did not ask for it. I worry my boyfriend can’t trust me because of it. I had an older guy friend who’s been my neighbor for years take advantage of me after I told him the story of what happened at his house. We had sex and then he felt guilty for being turned on by my rape story. He admitted it and asked me to forgive him. The sex helped me calm the ear ringing for just short time periods so I did it with him more than once a day for a bit until my dad started to suspect something and talked to him. Since then I don’t trust myself. I want to marry my boyfriend in large part just to protect myself and show him I love him and am loyal even though I am not sure I can be. I worry I cannot love like a normal person. I worry I push him away being too needy and wanting to marry him so soon. I need him more than he needs me. Is that the way it will always be in relationships for rape victims??? I work hard at school not to ruin my future. It is so hard to focus. My ears ring constantly. Thank you for listening.

You think your age makes you less to blame, But I carry the weight, I bear the shame. You crossed the line — no excuse to hide, No softer words can wash this tide. I’m not the one who should feel small, You built this cage, you made me fall. No matter your years, no matter your face, You took from me my safe, my space. But here I stand, I claim my voice, I break the chains, I make the choice. I won’t be silent, I won’t back down, I wear my courage like a crown. So hear me now, and hear me clear, Your actions caused this pain and fear. Age won’t protect what you have done— I am the survivor, I have won.

Stuck in the bathroom. It is possible to be loved. When I spent ages telling my Mum and Dad that it would be ok to travel to city for a gig , I thought I was grown up and street wise. In reality I was a naive young man - my parents reluctantly agreed as long as we stayed with my friends uncle - this would mean we wouldn’t have to travel back late . The gig was fantastic - we got back to his flat the others went to bed. I stayed up chatting with name - after about half an hour he started asking me if I was a virgin and showing me pornographic magazines . I tried to get away and go to bed - he then attacked me and raped me . I locked myself in the bathroom and waited but he was still agitated - he wanted me to sleep in his bed - I had no idea that a man could do what he did to another male. Two weeks later I went back to stay again after a football match - this time I tried to persuade my parents that I shouldn’t go - but they didn’t want the ticket to go to waste - he attacked and raped me again - I eventually managed to lock myself in the bathroom . I mentally stayed in that bathroom for the next 40 years - never telling - never asking for support - 3 failed marriages - problems with drink - difficulties being a good parent. The first person I told after 40 years was my ex-wife - her response was “I can’t love you - you have violated me by keeping this a secret” - this was crushing and led to a decline to a very dark place. Now with the support of my children, my new partner , a fantastic psychiatrist and a therapist from support organisation - I feel better and believe I can be loved. It is never too late to start to heal .

In my survival story, "Just Words, Dirty Words", I shared so much and I brushed over an experience with a male gynecologist. It was a much bigger deal that I let on because it had triggered my previous abuse as an adolescent on my first job. I wonted other girls and women to understand what is not okay for a gynecologist to do. It was not until after it happened that I realized the full impact. I realized I had let myself be victimized again without trying to stop it. I felt self-loathing and anxiety. I write this letter to that opportunistic predator. You broke your oath. You betrayed the trust. You are terrible! I have done research on what a breast and pelvic exam is supposed be like and understand you used the framework to sexually assault me. I was late for the appointment to get birth control at the university clinic when I had just moved for college. You let me in even though you had no nurse chaperon, it seemed that you might have sent them home after putting me in the room. You are a man and that is against policy. We shared our first eye contact and I ignored your lust and first glance flirtation. You saw I was vulnerable and needed something from you. You told me as a new patient you have to do a full first visit exam. Now I believe you may have lied. I nodded and put down my guard. When you returned I was undressed wearing a paper smock for a false sense of security. I was self conscious even though I had impeccable hygiene and grooming but worried I was not fresh enough so late in the day because you were a man and you made it sexual. You examined my breasts with no gloves. I said nothing. I knew you were massaging them for you pleasure. You went on for five minutes like that. I think five whole minutes while you kept talking. When my boss used to molest me just seconds was plenty to make me feel sick and used. He would sit on my torso, compressing my ribs to the point I could not take a deep breath and have sex with my breasts and he usually took less time than you. do remember you used the words “wonderful” and “amazing” when commenting on by breast health. We could both smell the musk from down below from stimulating me like that. I was embarrassed. You should have been the one ashamed! You mentioned the textures and gave some instructional anatomy to pretend it might be official. You asked random questions and you shared personal stories like it was a date. All the while you were groping my tits like a pervert. Both hands at the same time! I tried to cover for you by pretending like this was not insane and not a sexual assault. You were twice my age and your mustache was ridiculous. You finally moved on to the pelvic exam. You said the words, “Very nice” when you lifted up the paper drape to help my feet into the stirrups. That is not appropriate when viewing a patient’s vagina for the first time. You explained every step from “I’m going to touch your thighs now” to “take a deep breath as I insert the speculum”. That part was quick but then you explained the manual exam that you did for too long. You inserted two fingers to check for cervical motion tenderness but rubbed my clitoris with your lubricated thumb as you did so. That was wrong! You explained that you were going to move your other hand to check for tenderness of my ovaries to check for infection but kept working your other hand on my clit and inside me. You put what felt like three fingers in me! You were sexually assaulting me again. Breaching my trust. Ignoring you oath. As a last indignity you felt for masses in the space between my vagina and rectum. You left your thumb in my vagina while you put a finger in my anus and moved them both back and in and out explaining you thought you felt something for a second but it resolved on massage, meaning it was nothing to worry about. You raped me! That was rape! I looked it up and what you were doing is a real part of an exam but no gynecologist had done that before then or ever since! Instead of leaving the room while I dressed you stayed and helped by holding out my clothes! Totally inappropriate! You should not have a medical license! Sure I let you, and I cooperated, and even tried to endure it and put on a pleasant face. I was a different person then and you just continued my cycle of being abused by men. But the anus part was where I felt true terror and wanted to get out. You gave me a business card with your name on it and told me to call and ask when you were working to schedule next visit. Then you only wrote me for 1 refill on 30 day birth control! Like I would even come back to be assaulted again. You smug abuser of power and trust! I left with you thinking I enjoyed that and would see you again!!! You make me want to scream and pound on things! It was delayed, but my abuse anxiety was triggered that night, and days after. I will never see a male gynecologist again. Your lust and greed is not better than that of a rapist. You broke my trust in the medical system and I still get anxiety at any doctor visit. Just because a girl’s reaction to abuse is not instant, because of some survival mechanism, does not make it any less painful. Sometimes even more, because we feel guilty for not being strong and assertive. You were in a position of authority and abused it so badly. You should be ashamed, doctor! You should be in prison!

As an only child, I had no one to look up to really as a kid. But I always looked up to my Dad. Even though he was never really around due to work (although Mam worked more than he did and still found lots of time to spend with me), I still idolised him. He was my hero. He would always say 'Dads know everything - remember that', so lying to my dad (even little white lies) were pointless. Though when I hit 13 I began to realise he actually DID know everything. He knew what myself and my friends would talk about, he would know exactly where I was and who I was with without even needing to ask me, and I would always wonder why. In reality he had my phone tracked and could read all my messages. Now that I have been through the court system and he has been imprisoned for the abuse he inflicted upon me, I can confirm that he was in fact grooming me from the age of 13. About a month after my 18th Birthday, began the horrific 7.5 year abuse that I suffered. My Dad, masked for the first 2 years as a stranger, blackmailed me into performing sexual acts with strange men in our home - the one place I should've felt safe. When I finally realised it was him, I couldn't tell you how it then turned into just open ended abuse and rape from him. He would advertise us as a couple on hook up sites and in order to avoid physical beatings I would go along with it. I feared for my life so much that endless rapes and sexual assaults were easier - imagine that being the easiest choice - until you're in it, you just don't know how you'll react. I stopped going out, I gave up my hobbies, whilst in college I gave up my part time job - he controlled every single part of my life. And if I even let my "everything is rosey' mask slip even for a second, especially in front of my Mam, well it just doesn't bear thinking about. Fortunately for me, once Mam did find out, he was gone out of my life within 30 mins. Unfortunately, he went on to groom and abuse others after that. He was convicted, and is currently serving his prison sentence - but the fear of him stilll remains.

HELLO PEOPLE , its nice we can share our stories over here . So im a 19 year old girl from india who has a very typical indian family of four , me my little brother, mother and father . So my story is , my father used to physically abuse my mother since i was some months old , it started . he beat her over silly reasons . then when i gradually grew up and reached class 1 i was 6or 7 years old at that time , my father made me study for an entrance exam for class 6th and the syllabus was all of class 6th and 7th 9(to be noted that i was in class 1 at that point) . so my father made me study high level subjects of class 6th when i was still in class 1 which was a very tough job for me . i couldnt understand anything , and then my father used to beat me . he never let me play with friends , go out , in short he never let me have my childhood as childhood . he was always very extremely focused on my studies but forgot that i was still a child . We lived far from my father's village where my grandmother lived so in every summer vacations he used to take me and kept me there in the village where he would give me tution classes for the examination prep so i never got to enjoy my vacations . When was home , again the same thing , study and watch domestic violence at home . i always had to hear really abusive words which as a child i got traumatized . so when i was in class 2 , my mother got into an extramarital affair which i found out eventually and i hated my mother for that i was very shameful and i wanted to tell my father about this but i didnt . eventually my father found out and i remember that day when he beat her so much after he catch her red handed . It was a divorce situation but even then they stayed. my mother was no more into affair stuff but still i hated her . i wished she would die . later as i grew up the violence continued at home where i had to stop them both , physical abuse , abusive words and everything continued . it was really toxic . they both used to abuse me and my brother verbally with words like slut , Name and any abusive slangs you can think of . this is to be noted that my mother was also not very decent or you can say nice , she didnt do household chores at time , didnt made food on time , was extremely lazy (to be noted that my father helped her in everything ) but she didnt cuz she was ill manned to be honest . and so all of this continues and when i was in 1 i had my first boyfriend and my parents found out and they kind of accepted it at the first so when i appeared for 10th boards , i scored a 90.2 percent despite being in love and stuff but my parents where not happy infact they shamed me for my result (to be noted that they have never been satisfied by my results even if i score the full marks or become the topper they just always compare me with other children which made my self esteem and confidence shatter ) . they blamed me and my love affair for the 90.2 percent i scored which was too less for them because i was not the topper , the topper was at 93 . and now im in college , 3 years have passed by after that result but still they abuse and compare me for my 90.2 percent . i attempted suicide twice but i survived and they dont know bout this . i always get suicidal thoughts . they have never given me any privacy , they take control of everything , dont let me go out , visit a friend , talk to a friend over call . its suffocating . now im 19 and im again preparing for an exam , they have continued they abuse , domestic violence and everything . they make me hear for anything i eat , they have locked me up in a room where i have a laptop and study and sit here the whole day . they verablly abuse me a lot . some days ago i had a packet of noodles when i was hungry because my mom hadn't prepared food and it was very late and my mom found out that i ate noodles and she called me slut and other slangs infront of all neighbours . they always have been toxic . please mind that i have no problem studying . but i dont think something which takes away your entire childhood from you is not worth it . So my entire teenage and childhood was destroyed . i dont know how my adulthood would go because they wont let me live they are always here to pull me down . i wish i could just die .

When I was 8 I was molested by my older 13 year old “friend.” It was a typical grooming situation with secrets we can’t tell others that weren’t playing our “game”. This time was very confusing and I felt like I couldn’t talk to my parents or sister about it. It lasted for months- touching, hiding spots, secrets, oral sex, and vaginal sex. She ended up telling her friends at school - my mom was a school counselor that worked there. She overheard and reacted. She came to my elementary school and said that the girl said that I started it. I felt completely unsupported by my mom- unloved, unheard, not trusted, hurt, broken. I shut down from then emotionally. My parents didn’t hug me or tell me it wasn’t my fault or anything it was just pure fear and chaos and their disbelief that they didn’t know it happened even though it would happen in the same room as them sometimes. I told them this and they still couldn’t validate me or take responsibility- they never even cried for me- for the devastation I went through. We went on like all was normal. When I was 11 I started trying drinking. When I was 13 I basically wanted to die but didn’t know why. I went to a different school when I was 14 and it was all people that were upper class- I didn’t quite fit it but it was very important to my parents that we did. I was stealing to have the clothes the other girls wore- I didn’t want to depend on my parents. I then got into my first relationship at 15 and lost my virginity in the back of his car- it was abusive- verbally, sexually, emotionally and psychologically. He would intimidate me by throwing boxes, raging, screaming in my face for hours, calling me every name in the book and not letting me leave the house- he isolated me from my friends- and cheated on me whenever he wanted. That lasted for 2 years. Then I went to college, broken. I was raped 10 times when I was in college at parties or in their dorm room or mine. I woke up with a condom inside me one time… bruises on my vagina another… with no recollection of how or who did it. I was over drinking so I felt like they were my fault. I told the dean of students about one time I got roofied and nothing happened- he was a D2 football player so got a slap on the wrist. He then harassed and followed me for months intimidating me saying I was lying and ruined my reputation. I felt the same every time I woke up- confused, shocked, embarrassed, sick, alone, empty, raw, and scared to death- how did it happen again. I got sober thinking that would stop the assaults- I have since been assaulted and taken advantage of on multiple dates. Most recently, at work, I was sexually harassed for months and raped at my coworkers house. I reported it after he was reported to HR by another colleague and the state police didn’t do a thorough investigation and didn’t seem to believe me or care. He violated the restraining order and has faced no ramifications- he is a nurse. I have undergone trauma treatment for 6 months now. Healing means waking up in the morning free to do what I want, when I want, where I want, with who I want. I am learning how to voice myself and say no, set boundaries and speak up when I am uncomfortable. I have come a long way from the chaos and trauma that I reenacted without a solution. I go to sex and love addicts anonymous meetings- I went no contact, went through a painful withdrawal and am starting to see things differently. I see that the lies were not love. Love bombing isn’t love. I was chasing a fantasy of someone I wanted him to be but he never was. I live in mental health housing and I’m looking for a job. I have peace now because I spoke up. I am grateful to be alive. I pray anyone in an unsafe situation trusts the smallest voice inside you that knows what is happening isn’t right. I pray you get out safely with a plan. Don’t think “I should have” or “I was smarter than this” we are smart and we may have known better, but abusers are good at what they do - mine was when I was 15 and I recreated that traumatic hell for 15 more years. It needs to end now. I deserve a good life with a healthy person. I deserve to be treated with respect and love. I am loveable, and I am worthwhile. I say affirmations each day to move toward the life I want and not look back to a life where I was suffering in silence. I thank God everyday that I get the chance to heal, pray, laugh and have the chance to know what real love looks like, starting with my friendships. I hope to find and participate in therapy groups so I can continue to be vulnerable and heal. I hold on to the hope that I will feel safe in my body as I did when I did to prepare for EMDR. I had never felt safe in my body before. I will feel this again- I wake up every day with hope. Things are getting better slowly, healing is possible, and I am grateful for the start of a new life.

I am still in danger. I live in hiding. I just want to live and be able to have a normal life again. I am being stalked. It now has been going on for almost 10 years. I have had3 attempts on my life. My disabled daughter was kidnapped. I am running out if safe places to go.

I was in a relationship when I was 15. He was older than me. He pressured me to do things I didn’t want to. One day he pushed me against a wall after I told him I had to go home and he started to take of my pants and do things to me while I tried get out of there. Unfortunately he was much (physically) stronger than me. He would also hurt me physically. He choked me once (not in a sexual way, he actually wanted to hurt me)

I was 19 years old and a sophomore in college. I had never had sex. I was naiive. I met a senior boy on a dating app during finals week and told him I didn't want to have sex, but eventually agreed to a make-out session. He immediately pressured me into doing more. I gave him a blowjob to try to appease him, but he wouldn't stop, even when I said I was a virgin and wasn't ready. I said no many times. He said he'd use a condom but didn't. When I kept saying it hurt, he said, "You just have to let it happen." When I left, he asked me if I had a good time and I said yes. I hate myself for it. I went to the hospital and got a rape kit done. I struggled with panic attacks in the days after and went back to the emergency room on suicide watch, which I remember vividly and which was extremely traumatic. I lost my entire friend group over it and sank into the deepest depression I have ever known. I struggled with extreme anxiety, self-hatred, shame, and hopelessness. The next semester of school I did everything I could to keep myself alive, especially because I was rooming with the friends who had emotionally abandoned me and now were being cruel. My assault was on campus and I would have to drive to local coffee shops to do work without triggering a panic attack. I am now 21 years old and a senior in college. I have a new friend group, all of whom are good people. I have a 3.91 GPA and I am writing a thesis about which I am very passionate. I am singing again. It is easier to breathe. I still struggle a great deal with depression, resentment, and shame. I feel like I am grieving what I lost and who I would have been. I had to grow up so fast, and it hurts that I have so much to carry at so young an age. But I have also found great strength within myself. I think I am a kinder and empathetic person because of what I have gone through. Some days are worse than others. Sometimes it hits me by surprise. I am still figuring out who I want to be. I've struggled with dating since my assault, but hopefully someday that will be a possibility for me. It is still so hard, but I have hope again.

I was in my late teens , growing up as the Queer girl in school, subjected to years of bullying and sitting my leaving cert when I decided one day not entirely sure why that it was time for me to learn how to drive , with this new goal in mind I went to speak to my dad about potentially starting lessons and getting a car when he told me I should get a part time job to build a good work ethic and pay for this myself , I thought this was fair and began searching, the stars all seemed to align when a local restaurant was hiring for part time weekend staff, I applied and was hired, I remember on my first day meeting 2 men who worked there a man in his early 30s I'll call James and one in his late teens a year or so older than me we can call bob , I was quiet and kept my head down for the first few weeks but eventually began to open up and become more comfortable with the other staff particularly Bob since we where a similar age and had some matching interests, Bob looked much older than he actually was since he had a scraggly beard , we exchanged social media and began chatting fairly regularly about work but soon about almost everything we talked alot over this period , I had 2 friends in the same school as Bob who where concerned about this due to Bob having a less than favoured reputation It was a few weeks later when Bob asked about pursuing a relationship, at first I was hesitant due to the fact we where coworkers but decided to give him a chance , I remember I would always feel a sense of dread before meeting with Bob despite not being entirely sure why I had 2 pet ferrets at the time who are usually incredibly friendly absolutely hate the guy , we had a few heated arguments surrounding boundaries and consent and it became relatively clear to me that he lacked understanding on what consent actually was but being a dumb teenager I thought that was something minor that could be worked on It was the summer when we went out drinking and went back to watch a movie and stay over , I remember watching a TV show and feeling quite unwell, I wasn't used to consuming alcohol and had a very low tolerance, I went to the bathroom and threw up in the toilet, when I returned I did not feel good at all I don't remember much for a while past this point but I remember feeling a strong pain in my lower abdomen I opened my eyes and as they adjusted to the light I realised I was naked from the waist down and Bob was on top of me , being under the influence of alot of alcohol I didn't fully grasp the situation and just tried to pull away I got to the top of the bed and held onto the bed frame I was mainly confused and in pain when I was dragged by my legs back down the bed , finally started to grasp the gravity of the situation I managed to whine "stop" no response , I don't remember much after this point but I do remember limping to the bathroom and immediately throwing up in the worst pain I have ever felt , this is the part that's clearest in my mind , not the act the aftermath of it , grabbing a shower head and spraying ice Cold water all over my thighs to wash off blood in tears but not making a sound beyond , it felt like an out of body experience I remember staggering back out of the bathroom in pure survival mode , This was over a year ago now and it it still affects my daily life , I have alot of self doubt and regret , I know deep down that its not my fault but for some reason it's incredibly hard to believe that whole heartedly , I feel like it carries a stigma when I meet people it's Easy to gauge whether they know or not based of their reaction to me and although I've had alot of support from my friends it still feels as if it'd be better if nobody knew , not a day goes by where I don't think about it , there are ups and downs If there was one thing I could change with the current education system it would be to please make consent a mandatory part of the sphe module and not just a brief touched on subject a genuine important part that's explored on depth by trained staff , I feel like it could save so many people so much heartache and trauma

After spending a year being single on purpose, I had decided that I was finally ready to invest myself in a relationship. The very next morning, I opened my phone to see a message from someone on Facebook asking me out on a date. Apparently they were following my photography page on Instagram and we had a mutual Facebook friend, and they decided they would shoot their shot. From the very beginning they were extremely funny, our sense of humor seemed to mesh really well, and they were easy to chat with. We met at a pub, and it seemed to go pretty well for a first date. It ended up getting crashed by their coworkers, so it turned into some drinks and karaoke. My cheeks hurt from laughing, they seemed really outgoing which I appreciated and their coworkers said really great things about them. On the second date we talked for hours - I felt like I had known them my entire life. No nervousness, I felt seen and accepted right away for who I was, and it was comfortable. It was a dream come true, which is how it felt for the first few months of the relationship. They appeared to check all of my boxes: self aware, empathetic, honest, open-minded. We fell in love quite quickly. The early signs of psychological and emotional abuse started within the first 6 months, but I didn't recognize it as abuse at the time. They were extremely jealous and would often say very hurtful and derogatory things about me. I'd catch them in lies and then they would break up with me stating indifferences in morals, but then would return the next day with heartfelt apologies and promises to work on their insecurities. I believed them. Of course I did, because I excused this behavior as a result of their trauma, the stress they were enduring at work, they were drunk, etc. I thought I could love them through it, so we made plans to move in with each other. That was when the insults, gaslighting, stonewalling worsened - and new aspects developed. Now I was being criticized daily, punished if I didn't tell them where I was going before leaving the house, threatened to send emails to my boss or intimate photos to my family, and my things would be written on with permanent marker or urinated on. That was when the violence started. I didn't feel safe in my own home because my things would get smashed and broken regularly. Police came to the house twice and told me if they came a 3rd time, they would make an arrest, so I ensured they never got called again. However, if I tried to call someone else for support I would get chased, held down, grabbed so I couldn't make the call. I locked myself in the bathroom once and the door was kicked down. I didn't see that as abuse at the time though, because they never hit me. I was so lost in this disillusionment of "love" that I thought they just needed my support, I needed to be more compassionate, I needed to love them better, that's what they told me anyways. This was my fault and I had to fix it. All areas of my life had been threatened: my home, my job, my relationships with my family, my pets, my safety, my health. I became extremely depressed and lost in a state of dissociation. My family became aware of some things (I kept most of it secret until near the end of the relationship, but there was much I wasn't able to hide), and they told me they feared for my life. I didn't respond, as that thought had crossed my mind already many times before and it no longer evoked a reaction in me. I was completely dissociated by this time and I had accepted the possibility. One night while I was driving, they grabbed the steering wheel and steered us into the ditch. That was when the fears became a reality for me. I started safety planning with the hopes that we could still make the relationship work. The trauma bond was strong. One night they started drinking and things were escalating, so I left the house and went to my sister's. In the past I would stay to ensure the things I loved most didn't get destroyed, or I would leave and sleep in my car - but this time I chose to see my family. I started getting text after text all hours throughout the night with horrible things being said. They hinted that my new kitten had "escaped" from the house, and my family had me back at the house, kitten and bags packed, and out the door in 20 minutes. At this point my family had seen everything and there was no turning back. Ending the relationship was confusing, because I didn't feel like I consciously made the choice myself. My family drafted my messages to kick them out of the house. I accepted it, because I just felt so drained and defeated by that point, I had absolutely nothing left to give. We continued to talk for a few months and both discussed how we missed each other and wished things could work, but I knew I could never go back to that, I didn't have the strength. My heart hurt and I definitely grieved - on the floor sobbing - for months on end because I truly felt as though this was my person, this was someone who I thought knew me and saw me for who I truly was. But the truth was, they didn't know me. They didn't even know the color of my eyes after 2 years together. I eventually realized I was grieving a version of them that didn't exist. I was grieving the life I thought we could have, the future family, the relationship that I thought we could work towards. I also realized I was grieving myself. My self esteem was diminished, I felt a huge loss of identity, I couldn't make a decision to save my life, I was exhausted and irritable and angry. I didn't recognize myself for a very, very long time. I felt betrayed and manipulated, and there was a lot of shame towards myself as I felt it was my fault for not seeing the signs or for somehow finding a way to make it work, or for staying as long as I did. I felt like I couldn't trust my judgment anymore. It's been two years now, and I am finally feeling closer to my old self. I struggled for a year and a half with my grief and learning that what I had gone through was abuse. I experienced survivor's guilt, hypervigilance, nightmares, depression, and panic attacks for months. I would start to feel better with the support of my therapist and the domestic violence specialist that I was working with, and a new trigger would happen or another development in my story would occur and I would be back at square one. I felt like I had no hope in finding myself again. I missed the person I used to be and it seemed impossible to ever shake these feelings. But even when I felt the most stuck, I still pressed forward. Even if that meant just making it to work that day, then staying in bed for the rest of the weekend. Or eating a piece of toast before bed if nothing else. Or attending the therapy appointment even if I didn't have the words. There would be weeks of darkness, but then I would have one day where I would cry and felt a little bit lighter. I would visit my family and a genuine laugh would escape my lips. It took very, very small steps, but I do believe I am finally at a place where I am surrounded by the light. I know there is still so much more work to be done, but once I started allowing myself to feel the anger, feel the hurt, feel the pain without shaming myself for it, things started getting better. Keep going - after everything you have survived, I know you can survive this.

I never knew what true love looked like, my father is a narcissistic abuser. My first ever relationship made me relive the horrors and traumas I endured growing up, I was 16. At 17 I met my ex-fiance and we were engaged by 18, she was also a narcissistic abuser who didn't show it until then very end. I thought at love hurt, no matter the price you had paid to be with someone. I’m now 24 have have been single for 3 years after multiple sexual assaults from 12-21 on top of those two abusive relationships. Now I know that love doesn't hurt because the love I show myself is the love I deserve from another human being. It gets better and I chose to end the abuse with me. Lily’s story has touched me in ways I never thought possible and has reminded me how strong I am to end the cycle with myself. Never again will I go through abuse at the hands of someone I love.

I was groomed from the minute I was born by my grandmother’s partner. She was in the room for my birth and everyday thereafter she showered me with affection. She took me on trips. She complied with my every wild childish requests. She bought me alcohol when I was a teenager. Gave me weed. Opened a bank account in my name and depositing money every two weeks. She took me to San Francisco for pride and to gawk at the sex shops in the Castro. She never paid attention to my sister like she did me. Anytime someone asked her if I was her granddaughter, she made a point to say that I was her friend. She made sure I heard her say that. She made sure it was known. I remember being on a trip with her when I was 8 or 9 and sitting in the hotel room thinking, why does she have such an interest in me? It’s almost creepy. I can clearly remember looking at her sleeping form and wondering if she “liked” me like that. Fast forward fifteen years. I’m married, and my grandma is away working. Her partner comes to visit for the weekend. She tells me that we shouldn’t tell my grandma; she’d be upset she wasn’t invited. She takes me out to a bar, and my husband comes, too. She buys me drink, after drink, after drink. As she always has. She knows how I drink—she taught me. I don’t remember much of anything after that except my husband didn’t want to dance, and I was upset that he wouldn’t have fun with me. Then I remember her kissing me, and thinking that it wasn’t as gross as I thought it would be. It’s black after that. My husband never forgave me. He stopped her that night from doing anything else, but he blamed me. Our relationship never recovered. I spent years trying to forget it happened. We didn’t speak of it. I stopped drinking so I could always be in control of my body. I distanced myself from my family—from her specifically. But it didn’t really stop. She kept sending me money. She made me the sole beneficiary of her estate. She listed me as a recipient of her life insurance. I try to ignore her and to just not acknowledge it. I try to pretend it didn’t happen, that we just grew apart. That I’m busy now that I’m married and have a child. I almost left my husband two years ago; he wasn’t treating me well. He had grown mean since that night, and when we talked in the car from hundreds of miles apart, him wishing I would come home but resenting my presence when I was around, he brought it up. He told me how it had broken him. How he had never thought I’d hurt him like that. That he knew it wasn’t my fault—it was hers, but he still couldn’t forgive me. Since that night, I’ve never recovered. I’ve internalized even more blame, more shame, more ill-place guilt. Talking about it unleashed the reality of it, and my sexual health and my self-identity have suffered more than anything. Turns out I’m asexual without alcohol. I’ll engage in sex when I know it’ll please a partner and because I know it’s what you do with someone you love, but I don’t look for it or desire my partner sexually. Simultaneously in discovering this about myself, I’m also discovering the depth of the effects of the trauma. Over the past six months or so, I cry when I have sex. If I’m not fully in the mindset, 100% (which is hard to get to given I’m not really all that motivated by sex), my mind wanders back to that night. To what I remember. It wanders back to the knowledge of what she did, what she would have done if my husband hadn’t stopped her, back to her reported nonchalance about it, her sobriety. My mind wanders to the fact that no part of life is untouched by her. My entire personality (something I already struggle to identify with) is largely a construct of her making. I’ve never had an interest she hasn’t inserted herself into. I’ve never explored the world without the lens she’s cast upon it. Who am I but a person of her making? I am trapped, and I am small. I don’t want to be her person. I don’t want anything to do with her. My grandma is dying of cancer. I love her so much, but she is naive to what happened. To why her partner always paid me special attention. I almost left my husband again two months ago. He convinced me to try one more time, but he’s given me an ultimatum. He’s told me that I have to tell her what happened. He wants me to allow my grandmother to finally understand why he doesn’t like coming to her house. He says he deserves this. He says she deserves this. He told me that this is so she can die knowing that he didn’t hate her. He told me he doesn’t want me going to her house anymore. He told me that if my grandmother doesn’t take the situation seriously—that if she doesn’t kick her partner out—that he doesn’t want me to see her again. That he doesn’t want my son to see her. I hate this situation. I hate it all. Last fall my grandma’s partner nearly died. She had sepsis from MRSA. I live with the self-hatred of knowing that I was disappointed that she didn’t die. It would have been over. I’d never have to see her face again. I’d never have to be confronted with the trauma by her voice, the sound of her car pulling up at my grandma’s house, the anxiety of whether or not she’ll show up at a family event. When I hear a wheeze that sounds like hers, smell a body odor that reminds me of her, see a Justice product, a vulture circling overhead, or smell the rotten, earthy aroma of decaying food, coffee grinds, and egg shells, the place it takes me back to will be but a distant memory. I craved that in those days of unknown, and I self-flagellate at the acknowledgement of my disappointment. I want to be free of her. I don’t want to tell my family. I just want to be free. I want my son to know my grandmother. I want him to have a father. I want to be free. I am trapped.

If you take 13 and multiply it by four you get 52. If you multiply it by 5 you get 65. My assaulter was at least four to five times my age. He took advantage of me in a vulnerable moment. Choosing to grope a young girl in the dark of night while her friends were in the other side of the door. I know I was not raped but it feels almost wrong to consider it assault. Like I'm using a label that is not meant for me to use. But I know no other way to describe what happened aside from that. I didn't realize how much wrong that behavior was until weeks later. I still am trying to wrap my head around everything years later. I am less trusting and have a sharper personality because of it. All I do know, is that it was wrong. And his a** can burn.

I am a victim of sex trafficking. I was abused for 7 years of my life. I understood my trafficker to be my boyfriend and then my husband. I lost all memory of what was happening to me for 8 years. By day I was a mental health professional and by night, I was drugged and sold to multiple men when I was supposed to be sleeping. This is my story. I met my ex on date. It wasn’t the first time we had met, we had gone to the same high school, he was a year ahead of me and we had mutual friends. At 15/16 years old, I had a crush on him and told one of my best friends at the time who was a friend to him. She went to his house one day and took a picture of him flipping her off with his middle finger and then gave it to me. He had no idea who the picture was for but knew it was for someone who liked him. At that point, it would have made sense if I had taken that as a red flag; however I was a young teenager who had a history of neglect and trauma, so any type of attention was welcomed. Even if it wasn’t directed specifically at me. A little over 20 years later, we were friends on Facebook and I went for it. I had just gotten out of an unhealthy relationship about 4 months prior and was not looking for another relationship but thought why not go out and see what it would be like to have a few drinks with him and talk. Some months prior to me reaching out over Facebook, he had made a comment on one of my pictures, stating I looked hot or something to that effect. I initially ignored it but over time thought about it again and decided why not. A very close friend of mine (my foster sister) had taken some classes with him in high school and told me that he was a really nice guy and if I wasn’t looking for anything serious I could hurt him. So I walked into the restaurant/bar we were to meet at thinking I needed to be open to see where this could go. It went well, we talked, laughed and seemed to have a great time, at least I did. There was a one off, when I mentioned his comment on my photo he stated he didn’t remember. I thought that odd but I excused it, a habit I had with pretty much everyone all my life. I always saw people as I saw myself and when I tried to understand a behavior I would excuse it. At any rate, we went on several dates. I wasn't sure if he liked me, if he was into dating someone from another race (I am biracial and he is white). It seemed odd, matter of fact I spoke to several people about it not sure what to make of it. He was quiet on the dates, I did most of the talking, he did share at times but not as much. I was also finishing up my Masters in Counseling, working full time and taking care of my two daughters, one in college and the other in high school. I was busy, I was running at the time, just enjoying life, working full time and feeling pretty confident in myself and how my life was going. Looking forward towards my future, knowing that once I got my Masters it would be a game changer in regards to a solid career path and financially, our lives would be better. I had so much going for me. So on our 5th date I just decided to ask him if he liked me. He said he did and I asked why he hadn't kissed me yet. By the end of the date he kissed me and I was actually surprised how much I was liking him and wanted to see where this would go. He had talked about how he always wanted to go to see the concert, and how noone in his circle would ever go with him. I loved shows and theater and had already been, so for a kind of Christmas gift, I bought us tickets to see The concert on date. We also decided that we would be sexually intimate that night. The one thing I remember him saying to me before we had sex was "I'm not who I was in high school", I got it, at least I thought I did. None of us were exactly the same, right? We were both in our early 40s and life changes us, but I always thought the core of who you are does not always change and he had never mentioned to me any horrific life events within his 20s and 30s that would change his core. By date, he asked me to be his girlfriend at one of his friend's home at a New Year's Eve party. I drank a lot that night and smoked some weed, so I was pretty intoxicated, not a regular thing for me, never had been. I could count on one hand how many times I had gotten inebriated. I never liked it, I don't like to be out of control of myself, but I felt safe with him and believed he would take care of me. I of course said yes. I remember while at the party he introduced me to a man, a leader of a Hell's Angels group who was married to one of my ex's best friend's sister. The Hells Angels guy seemed nice enough, but I wouldn't understand what was really going on until 8 years later. He was soliciting me to this guy. Having this man check me out to see if he felt I would be adequate to prostitute out. I believe the sex trafficking began not long after that. When I would stay at "my boyfriend's" house a few nights a week. I have bits of memory from that time. What I do know is that after I fell asleep, my ex would drug me with heroin (I believe - at least some form of opiates) which would leave me incapacitated enough where I could not fight anyone off of me and I wouldn't remember. My subconscious took over and blocked it all out. Though there were times that I knew if that makes sense. But as soon as he would say something or I would say something, it would be forgotten/blocked out within minutes and I had lost time, without even knowing it. By the summer of 2015, he got me to move in with him temporarily, my youngest daughter went to go live with her father for a month and my oldest stayed at my apartment and took care of our cats. I had a fun summer being love bombed. Looking back, I am aware of at least one time where he trafficked me during the day down at city in Massachusetts. We went down there to kayak on the bay and spend the day together; however I now remember what happened after we got done kayaking and going out for lunch. I cannot remember the ride home that day. More lost time. He pushed me to move in with him after that summer. I didn't want to because I hadn't lived with anyone in 13 years and I wasn't sure if I really wanted to live with someone again and my youngest daughter was just about to go into her senior year in high school. I wanted to make sure she had a good year and kept pushing back on him, but he was persistent and told me it would be a win win with us living together, helping each other out and I could pay down my debt. So after being relentlessly pursued, which felt good, I agreed. My daughters were not happy but I promised my youngest daughter I would drive her to school every day and pick her up so she could have her senior year. We moved in, then his son who was a year older than my youngest, moved in after that and we all lived together under one roof. However, the toxicity started, my ex did not get along with my youngest and they would fight a lot. During this time, the whole time, he was drugging us and selling us to men. We didn't remember. My girls still don't remember to this day and I have not nor will I tell them. It needs to be at their time. The guilt consumes to this day. I can't remember how often it was at that time but I do know that it happened enough and even on our vacations or get away trips that I paid for. We (just the two of us) would go away on weekend trips, once a month to different areas in Massachusetts or New Hampshire. I would pay for these trips and plan them out. He did nothing but come along and solicit me to men, drug me at night and allow them to rape me. My daughters and I would always notice men staring at us whenever we went out around home and for me whenever I went out with him. I got to a point where I would just ignore it because it felt uncomfortable but I couldn't understand it. My youngest daughter hated it and I would just tell her to ignore it, not realizing what was really happening. During this time he had been laid off several times and would just sit around the house while I worked, at one point 3 jobs to keep my head above water on my debt and just try to pay as many bills for the house as possible. I began to realize that he never opened his mail, he didn't pay bills on time and never seemed to have money. All of a sudden the way I had lived was now changing because I couldn't keep up and he wasn't helping. I could never save money, never paid anything off, whenever I had money it immediately went out to pay some type of bill. I became angry and wanted to leave but I was stuck because I had no money to leave. Now looking back and being aware of what happened, he had plenty of money, he was selling us at night and making a lot of money. When I moved in I had two cats, Name A and Name B. Name A was 15 at the time I believe, we loved her and she loved us but not him. Name B was about 2 or 3 at the time, my ex had a cat named Name C who was a year younger than Name B. I worked hard to make sure that they got along well and they did. Those two were inseparable. My ex also had a small dog named Name D who was sweet but peed in the house. I worked hard to stop that and get him on a schedule. The first year we lived there, I was able to get my oldest daughter a puppy, Puppy. She always wanted one and was overjoyed to have him. He was a fabulous dog. When Puppy was about a year old, I got my first dog, Name E. She was about 4 months when I rescued her from the shelter. I was so excited. She had some resource guarding issues with food but I worked on that and she became the sweetest girl. Just to back track, after we moved in Name A disappeared for 2 weeks, we had no idea where she was or what happened. She was not an outdoor cat and never ran away before but I chalked it up to being in a whole new environment, so after looking everywhere for 2 weeks, we were giving up and working on accepting she was gone, then one day my ex "found" her outback of the house and we were thrilled. She was weak, frail, skin and bones but we were thrilled. Loved her up and fed her. Then a week later she disappeared again for about 4-5 days. I couldn't understand why she kept leaving. Within a month or two, the girls and I were putting her down because she was urinating all over the house and I couldn't understand it. She never did that. I was told by the vet that she was in kidney failure and I couldn't understand what happened because she was a healthy cat prior to us moving in. She was so unhappy there as well. My ex never liked her because she never liked him. It was a devastating day for my daughters and I. I ended up having to put Name E down two years after I got her because she became aggressive and it got worse and worse. I brought her to a behavioral specialist, put her on medication, trainers, vets and nothing worked. I could never understand why but looking back I now know. Then Name B got sick and I had to put him down a year after Name E, for a kidney tumor. My ex asked if Name C could catch what Name B had and I reminded him it was a tumor and you can't catch cancer. Name C disappeared a month later. I was devestated, 4 animals within a 4 year span. We had Puppy and Name D left. Prior to Name E, Name B and Name C dying, my daughters moved out. My oldest went into the Air Force and my youngest moved to Florida with her father. I was left with my ex and his son in the home. We kept Puppy for my daughter while she went away to training. I ended up getting another puppy about 3 months after Name E died because I was devastated. Her name was Puppy and she was the silliest puppy. She gave me so much joy. I share all this because my animals were part of his sex trafficking, he sold them as well. I believe he had the dogs fight each other and he would drug them and allow men to sexually assault them. I know this because when I watched my foster sister's dog, he allowed someone to sexually assault her. My foster sister immediately brought her dog to the vets and was told that her dog had been sexually assaulted. Both Puppy and Puppy had similar symptoms. However, I never knew what the vet said because by that time, I had isolated myself so much, I barely spoke to my family and friends. He was systematically getting everyone out of my life and it worked. Finally in 2020, I was done. I wanted to leave and was so unhappy. I always thought it was because he hardly worked, if he did he would get fired and I held everything down and wanted different and would tell him all the time. However looking back I know that did impact me but I was being raped at night, I was exhausted, I would wake up in pain not understanding why. I would at times take Puppy and go sleep in another room and I slept wonderfully. I would wake up refreshed and decided that my ex's snoring and the bed were to blame. But it wasn't why. Puppy would wake me up if he heard something outside the bedroom door. My ex's plan could only work if I was sleeping at night. If I consciously knew what he was doing then I would go to the police. So when he did allow men to rape me during the day at any time he would drug my food. There is only one time I remember him sticking me with a needle, on the beach at City in ME on a vacation we went on for three years in a row. I have memory of being raped by 5 different men. I believe three of them paid my ex $500 each. The other two were two men we were on vacation with. I can remember watching them walk towards my ex and I and thinking "no, not them, I thought they respected me" - they gang raped me because they could not afford the amount my ex wanted on their own so they pooled their money. I can think back and remember them on my body but I felt nothing, my body was separate by that point. I still don't remember how we got back to the campground we were staying at. Another time lost. By 2020, I was working for a group practice and reached out to the owner to ask for an advance in pay so I could leave. By this time, my youngest daughter had returned from Florida and moved back in with us, but I wanted us out of there. Again not knowing exactly what was really going on but knowing he wasn't following through and I was tired of having nothing and living a life that wasn't mine. So by October 2020, we moved out. I was so happy; however he sucked me back in by making all these promises of selling the house and moving to another town. I bought it and before I knew it, I was asking if he wanted to get married. He had been asking me for years and I always said no. Part of me asking was to ensure I would get something from the house that I invested thousands of dollars in but another part was being a part of his family. They all played me, he knew I was a helper, that is how I got my self worth, so he would have his son ask me for help, his daughter ask me for help, his brothers, his mother. They were all in on it. They were all making money off of me at this point. Once we got married, the trafficking escalated and his abuse and threats did as well. It was all done while I was drugged and at night at this point. There were 'rape the slave' parties, gang rapes, beastiality. It was a house of horror. I never remembered but it got to a point where I had a lot of pain, fatigue, sickness that I could not explain. I initially thought I had lyme disease but I didn't. I was being drugged, beaten, raped and at times going through withdrawals. I never remembered a thing but at times it seems I did.

I meet her where the grass grows too quietly— beneath the hush of houses that never saw a thing. The air still smells like morning, but the light is brittle, like it remembers what I try to forget. She’s standing in the place where silence broke— where footsteps came without warning, and fear arrived wearing a stranger’s hands. Her shadow stretches farther than her body, like it’s trying to run even now. Her eyes hold no knowledge of knives, no tremble at the sound of boots on soft dirt paths. crunching gravel. on morning walkways. through the hush of leaves. She tilts her head when she sees me— like I’m someone she almost remembers, a reflection in a dark window she once waved to before the glass cracked. I want to touch her— say: You didn’t deserve it. None of it. But the words fall heavy, like broken teeth in my mouth. So I sit beside her. Quiet. Breathing the same dream-air, counting the space between our shoulders. Maybe one day she’ll take my hand. Maybe we’ll braid our hair back into one girl who can sleep again. But tonight, she just hums a song I forgot how to sing. And I listen— because even ghosts deserve to be heard.

Hi. I've never done this before but I'm doing it now, because I feel like it is the next step to healing? I'm not quite sure. But I hope I can get this all out to a point where you can understand. Whenever I was about maybe 5-7, and my brother was around 11-13, he would want to play a 'game' with me. I never knew what the game was until he touched me. Inappropriately. If this is too triggering for you, please click the safety exit. He would put me in sexual positions and tell me to stay there while grinding on me. I didn't know what was happening, but I just stayed there because I didn't want to disappoint him. As a kid I always wanted my parents and my brother's validation. It meant everything to me. But during this time I just wanted to make him happy, so I would let him. This would happen often and when I said no he pressured me and tried to persuade me. I always said yes. I wish I didn't, but I can't blame myself. I was only a baby, I was like seven or five, that's practically a baby. This stopped whenever we moved houses. But I always remember it and the aftermath it left on me. I'm now extremely hypersexual, and I feel disgusting about it. Everything I touch, everything I see turns sexual. I hate it. I absolutely hate it. I hate the taintedness he left in me. We have a solid relationship now, but I resent him for how I am now.