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Last year I was gang raped. I have an ear ringing called tinnitus that has not stopped since. I have nightmares. I flew with my mom to a wedding overseas. I was excited. She would be busy with her friends and cousin and I would get to spend time with my awesome second cousin who is two years older than me. After the rehearsal dinner we went out. It was fun because I was not legally able to drink there even though the age was lower than in my province, but they did not check ID’s. I did not drink much because it was not my thing and I had a boyfriend but I was able to go to some bars then a club attached to a hotel. So much fun up to when we met two soldiers in uniform who were cute and separated us from her friends because of our looks. My cousin is stunning beautiful. They had a private room at the club and several soldiers were there and two prostitutes also. Those prostitutes definitely hated us being there. I wanted to get out anyway and the cute ones that invited us acted like they understood and took us out of there. We stupidly let them take us to their hotel room where they totally dropped the cute romantic act and made us strip our clothes to music. They showed us a gun they had in a drawer. I was terrified. They made us lay on our stomachs bent over the bed side by side and had sex with us that way. They switched like we were interchangeable before finishing in us with no protection. We held hands. I was crying while my cousin was trying to be strong and cheer me up. We weren’t allowed to leave and our clothes were hidden. Before took our phones we had to text that we were staying at my cousin’s friend’s house. Then they called two other soldiers, one of them a huge tall dark guy with body builder muscles. He was the worst to me. They made us dance and then we had to use our mouths on the cute ones that had lured us there while the other two had sex with us. I vomited and my cousin cleaned it up but then it started again. They had cocaine and made us sniff it off their parts and sniffed it off us. Another one came and I think it was just those five during the night but they kept raping us and making us do things even when we would pass out. I would like to have been more unconscious but cocaine makes you so awake. I want to remember less and think about it all less. We showered many times. The big dark one peed on me and in my mouth the shower. He did it more than once like I was his toilet. The other men even had to tell him to chill out when he was making me scream liking his fingers and pushing them in my arse, but not when he made me crawl around like a dog using my hair as a leash. I remember one of them calling their friends to tell them to turn all their t.v.’s way up to hide the noise in our room. They watched sports news on the t.v. They had me and my cousin kiss each other and stuff. I could not act like it was a fun party like my cousin did sometimes and encouraged me to do. She tried to take some of their attention away from me over and over. I love her for it but they did not leave me alone. My chest is something they were obsessed with. They did not care that I was obviously distressed and freaking out or that in my country I was three years below the age of consent. There I was the minimum. We woke up in the morning on one the beds together with only the two soldiers sleeping on the floor. The black one was gone! They had sex with us again and another man who was much older and who they called SIR came in and had sex with both us but mostly me. They cheered him on and my head was pounding and I was crying and it seemed to last forever. Finally we got our clothes back but they took us for brunch wearing their normal clothes. They showed me pictures on their phones that made it look like I was having fun and warned us how bad it would be if we said anything different than we had a nice party. A nice party in hell! Before that I’d had sex with only my 1 boyfriend ever. One night of hell and now my number was seven!! We had to start getting ready for the wedding right away and I was exhausted. My cousin hid me and I took a nap in my dress, hair and makeup until the last minute. I cried in the ceremony but not for the wedding. I was so sore in my vagina, muscles, and brain that I got so drunk at the reception I barely remember any of it. Just part of being on the plane home. I told my mom the truth when I got back and she got all crazy, so did my dad, and they tried to call over there and the hotel and such but there was nothing the police would do. I saw my dad cry for the first time as I told the whole story. My boyfriend could not handle it and dumped me. I go to group and do therapy. I take a pill everyday and now benzo’s for break through anxiety. I try to hide my large chest under baggy clothes where before I used it for attention. STUPID! My cousin does not seem to have the trauma I do or the nightmares. In her country they are done with secondary school up to two years before us and are more treated like adults sooner. I said mean things to her once because of it. She forgave me but we talk much less since I asked if she has gang bangs all the time. I felt terrible because she even let them have anal sex with her to lure them away from me. I could tell it hurt her so much but at the time was just thinking about my own survival. My childhood is OVER but I do not feel like an adult. Her advice is -Don’t let it get you so down-. Like I have a choice in this!! She went to a therapist ONCE because her mom made the appointment and does not plan to go back. Her life did not really change!! She works reception at a tech company and models on the side and still goes to parties and clubs and dates. How??? It is unbelievable how attitudes toward something like this can be so different in different countries. I am a victim now and I usually feel like it. Definitely damaged. Everybody at my school knows why. I am THAT girl. My new more mature boyfriend is understanding but I feel like a sad little burden to him. I am hypersexual sometimes now and can’t help it. It is a coping mechanism that happens to some victims of sexual assault. I did not ask for it. I worry my boyfriend can’t trust me because of it. I had an older guy friend who’s been my neighbor for years take advantage of me after I told him the story of what happened at his house. We had sex and then he felt guilty for being turned on by my rape story. He admitted it and asked me to forgive him. The sex helped me calm the ear ringing for just short time periods so I did it with him more than once a day for a bit until my dad started to suspect something and talked to him. Since then I don’t trust myself. I want to marry my boyfriend in large part just to protect myself and show him I love him and am loyal even though I am not sure I can be. I worry I cannot love like a normal person. I worry I push him away being too needy and wanting to marry him so soon. I need him more than he needs me. Is that the way it will always be in relationships for rape victims??? I work hard at school not to ruin my future. It is so hard to focus. My ears ring constantly. Thank you for listening.

I was with my ex and I had just started some new tablets that made me sleepy. I tell my ex that I’m going to sleep and he continues to play his video game. I wake in a daze around an hour later and he is raping me and enjoying it. I react by making noises out of fear and wait for him to finish up the act , I just froze in fear. Once it was over I was mad he never got consent but he told me that he thought I wanted it. It’s been nearly a year and I’m still not over it

I'm a man who got raped by his wife multiple times. no one ever believed me and just told me that she ios my wife so its ok. Now I want tpo help men who face violence by their partners

I was conditioned to think catcalling was a compliment, that if someone held your waist a little too long at work it was just cause "ahh they're just a bit touchy", that it's easier to just "go with it" than to say no and risk their response. It took me years to identify that no matter the degree of your experiences it still is never ok. We often get told sexual violence is one way but it isn't, it comes in many forms and sometimes you can't identify it at first - and that's ok. I am only recently coming to terms with the varying degrees of experiences I've had. I didn't want to say anything because I was made to believe I'd "rock the boat". Well some boats are meant to sink. Let's rebuild the boat so everyone can stay afloat, included and safe.

At the age of four, my mom used to take me out to the trunk of her Jeep and beat me for 20-30 minutes at a time. She would hit me, pull my hair, and scream profanity at me. The physical abuse lasted until I was 11-years-old, and she only stopped once CPS got involved. My dad knew; he did nothing. At the age of 6, I got sexually molested at school by another female. My mother told me it was not molestation, and that I was just "playing around." At the age of 11, I was sexually abused by the neighborhood boys. They were in their mid-teens, and would touch me inappropriately, rub their penises against me, and tell me inappropriate jokes. At that same age, I was also dry humped on the face by multiple boys who I considered friends. At the age of 16, I was raped by a 26-year-old man. He groomed me beginning at the age of 14-years-old, and convinced me he was a safe person. At that same point in my life, I was raped by a 23-year-old that I had known for two years and considered safe. He took me to a room where we could "be alone" then proceeded to force himself on me. I was crying and telling him to stop, but he didn't stop. I dated him for three months after that, and he continued to pressure me into sex and emotionally abuse me. Starting at the age of 14-years-old, I began getting harassed online. I stupidly gave out my phone number and address to someone I had trusted, and they were posted on 4chan (a public image board). I was harassed daily: I received death threats; I received threatening phone calls; I would receive calls to my school. I then found out that the person I trusted killed a girl in his home city, and that they had proof I was going to be the next victim. At the age of 17, my step-dad physically assaulted me and almost broke my wrist. He put a cigarette out on my head, strangled me, and threatened me. My mom watched, holding the phone, and told me it was my fault for "not leaving when [she] told [me] to." The only help I got was from a neighbor who saw me run out of the house, covered in blood. That same year, I was kicked out because I refused to lift the restraining order off of my step-dad, and my mom gave me an ultimatum. I refused and went to live elsewhere. At the age of 18, I moved in with my first serious boyfriend. He was abusive and cheated on me multiple times. He would call me every name in the book and threaten to harm me and break my belongings. I did not get away until I was just turning 19. At the age of 20, I moved in with my dad. My step-mom was jealous of my dad and I's relationship and physically assaulted me and kicked me out on my 21st birthday. My dad did nothing again. At the age of 21, I developed life-threatening bulimia and anorexia and began drinking heavily to self-medicate. My fiance helped me through these disorders and saved my life. I am now 24-years-old and have many stable and healthy relationships--both in friendship and love. I am also receiving help via medication for C-PTSD, GAD, and major depressive disorder. I began therapy recently, too, and am learning to confront my traumas and move on. It's hard, and there are many things I remember each day that send me into a panic, but I want to heal and reclaim my innocence, power, and self-worth.

At a young age, I started therapy. I found through therapy I grew up with narcissistic parents, and my sister developed narcissistic traits. I was the scapegoat in the family. My parents taught my siblings and I that family comes first. My family took advantage of my sensitivity. They expected me to do everything for them. If I did anything for myself, I was told I am selfish. After years of therapy, I learned that explained a lot as to why the relationships I had felt similar to what I had with my family. I never knew my childhood trauma linked to my relationships. My daughter's father abused us emotionally, mentally, and physically. Hitting, slapping, belittling, name calling and more. A lot like how my family treated me, but minus the physical abuse. Eventually he left. Before he left, he pinned me to the wall and threatened to hit me. He left. I got a restraining order. He broke it by coming to my house. No one was home at the time, but he was there because he left a note on the gate of my house. That happened two more times. After awhile, it stopped. A few years later, I attempted another relationship. I ended the relationship last year. I had to. He was a combination of my dad and my daughter's father when it came to narcissistic abuse and domestic violence. After finding my current therapist, my therapist said she she is proud of me. She said I was able to break the generational chain of abuse. It was scary to break up with my now ex, but I wasn't happy. The healing is scary, emotional, but necessary. Both my Down Syndrome daughter, and I are blessed to have each other.

I always struggled with my words even before that night happened. Using alcohol as a mechanism to survive in social spaces I never belonged. Maybe that’s how he picked me out he saw his victim: lost, voiceless and out of control. After that night, I felt the loneliest and most out of place I’ve ever felt. That girl was lost, she felt out of control, she felt voiceless. Now, nearly 10 years later. I have found my voice. I am not a victim but I’m a survivor. I speak for women whose voices are lost too, so one day they will have the courage to find them and speak up too. You are never alone and anytime you use your voice I promise you, you’ll be heard. We are women, we are powerful!

Most of the abuse and neglect I grew up with was verbal abuse and emotional neglect. It was a lot of being yelled at by a parent. A lot of violence on objects in our presence - fists pounding on the dinner table, milk pitchers getting thrown off the table while we were all seated, banished to my room when I was angry and upset, a telephone getting violently torn from the wall while a sister and I stood inches away. The phone incident occurred at night. My memory is my sister and I were in bed. We were called out of our bedroom and yelled at for going to bed without doing the dishes. We were told we were lucky because our parent was so mad at us for not doing the dishes that they wanted to hit us but they didn’t hit us, instead they violently tore the phone out of the wall in front of us. I didn’t feel lucky. I was very upset, angry and scared and walked out of the house at night in my nightgown crying. I was then told I was overreacting and crying in order to get attention and sympathy. Another night as a younger child, I was having nightmares and crying. I was really scared and upset and couldn’t sleep. A parent came to my room and slapped me repeatedly every few seconds on my cheek. As they slapped me, they told me I would continue to get slapped until I stopped crying. I was slapped on the face every few seconds until my crying stopped. I am learning that as a result of the verbal abuse and emotional neglect I grew up with, I have thought and acted as though I was to blame for how I was treated as a child. I have lived a life plagued with guilt and self-reproach. My brain interpreted how I was treated as how I deserved to be treated and that I, not my parents, were at fault. If I hadn’t been scared and crying, I wouldn’t have gotten slapped. If I had done the dishes, the phone wouldn’t have been torn out of the wall in front of me. It’s pretty messed up thinking but not uncommon in people who were treated the way I was as a child. I am working hard to unlearn that way of thinking. The effects of the abuse and neglect endure to the present day. I have come to understand that a lot of my current overwhelming emotions like rage, anger, depression and passive suicide ideation are throwbacks to my childhood when no one helped me contain, process and move through big, strong, volatile feelings. As a result, I have had bouts of profound and debilitating depression. I have been passively suicidal, wishing I was dead or at least in a hospital. All my siblings have suffered. I have a sister who has been hospitalized over fifty times for mental health issues and is also on disability for those issues. I have pretty constant low grade anxiety that has been around so long I wasn't aware of it until recently, such a part of my being it is. I am hyper-vigilant and routinely react to present day situations in ways that don't match the present day issue. Something minor can happen and instead of being slightly bothered by it and quickly returning to calm, my nervous system interprets it as an unsafe situation, I unconsciously go on high alert and have an overblown reaction. I also frequently interpret a benign situation as dangerous. For example, I hear a certain tone in someone's voice and suddenly I think I'm about to get yelled at, hit, or have something thrown at me when someone is merely telling me I dropped a dollar bill on the floor. Learning about complex ptsd (cptsd) has been extremely helpful as has Internal Family Systems (IFS) and my therapy which is in part traditional therapy but also trauma informed with a lot of body based, bottom up (as opposed to brain based, head down) concepts and work. I was 56 when I realized I am dealing with cptsd and now feel, in many ways, like a new person. It’s never too late!

I am the partner of someone with diagnosed bipolar. He is 52. Diagnosed and treated since his 20s. We were together for 3 years this month and I have stood by and supported him for 3 years. It has been a very difficult and rocky road. He was stable for many, many years and then triggered possibly by the sudden death of his mother and forced into several med changes. He then lost 2 jobs after having the same one for 20 years, crashed his car when manic and had a terrible gambling episode. This all happened in 2023- To name just a few of the incidents…. After so much hard work, we thought he has finally "stable" - since fall of 2023- and then the unthinkable happened last week- he hit me in the face, punched a hole through my door and shattered a full length mirror. He had never been physical to me- ever. I waited a year after we met to introduce him to my 2 boys and then he become their everything, especially my youngest. They walked in minutes after I kicked him out to their mom battered, broken glass and a door punched through. They have never witnessed any violence in their lives and have a super stable home. That was 5 days ago and we are in total agony. Like grieving a sudden death. Having him hurt me is a line I never thought he could ever be capable of. He has tried to contact me, but I think he is still in an episode- his emails (I blocked him elsewhere) are about how agonizing this is for him and lack an even understanding of the pain my family is going through. We can barely keep our heads above water right now. He is the most loving, intuitive and empathetic human I have ever known- how can this be about him? Please help me with any insight. I am seeing my therapist- 3x this week already, and got medical attention....I am having no contact with him, but insight from those of you who have experienced would help so much. He is on a combo of seizure medicine and antipsych which we thought was working. seizure medicine for sleep and antipsych as a rescue. He’s never been hospitalized. I’ve let his family know what’s happening but they are 8 hours away and I don’t think doing much and he doesn’t really have anyone else locally but me. I am grieving so hard. I am heartbroken. He was the love of my life that I wasn’t even looking for. I was with someone from age 18-45- married for 20 of those years - had my 2 children with him. And I have more memories and feelings and love for this man of 3 years than for my ex husband. As hard as these 3 years have been, he was my second chance, my love. Met him by accident - wasn’t even looking. And the thought of all of us starting over (my children’s father rarely sees them- only on occasion). Well, it almost feels too much to bear. It hurts more than the hit to my face did. And that is really messing with me. I know I can’t go back. I know it will now happen again - I’m told by my therapist, I’m reading it everywhere. I don’t want to even model that to my kids. My youngest is devastated - said to me “it feels like he died in a car crash suddenly and we never got to say goodbye but he caused it on purpose”. They were best friends- the closest I’d ever seen my son get to anyone other than me or my other son. My older son I had to drop at college 6 hours away 1 day after it happened. And all he cares about is if I’m ok. That burden is so unfair. They are 19 and 15. And I’m so so angry at the same time. I can’t make sense of anything right now I guess…. I want so badly deep down to believe he was wronged as a child or that this mental illness is responsible, that he is capable of rehabilitation - and at the same time I am so angry that I went him arrested and exposed - I want him never to do this to me or anyone again. I’m drowning in my anxiety and thoughts

At age 15, my doctor asked me if I was sexually active. I cried and said “sort of”. When she asked me why I was crying, I told her it was because I thought it was embarrassing. I’m now realizing that I was not crying because I was embarrassed but because I was ashamed. I felt ashamed for having sex at 15 years old (which I felt was too young for me), and even more ashamed at how it happened. I had consented to fooling around with my boyfriend at the time but did not consent to penetration. I was not expecting to look up to hear him say “it’s in”, when I had clearly told him that I did not want penetration. I pushed him off and started crying. However, I brushed it off as being part of a normal healthy relationship, not knowing any better as this was my first relationship. For the next year and a half, I stayed with that partner while dealing with many ridiculous commands and events that I did not realize was unhealthy until much later: being told I wasn’t allowed to wear leggings because then other people would see my butt; being told not to drink coffee (still did); not seeing my friends other than at school; being told I couldn’t wear makeup because if I wore makeup, it would obviously mean that I was trying to attract other guys to cheat on my partner (meanwhile he cheated 3 times); being stopped on the street by a stranger asking if I needed help who then called the police about a domestic violence dispute (i wish I knew who that woman was so I could thank her today); being slut shamed; if we argued, being told I couldn’t leave him because no one else would love me since I was worthless and unlovable; finally, being controlled and manipulated. I’ve heard somewhere (not fact checked) that it takes women on average 7 attempts to leave their abuser before an attempt to leave finally sticks. I remember it taking me 3 tries but it’s possible that I’m forgetting some. Oct 2nd was the day I finally left. We’d broken up numerous times before but he always reeled me back in. He’d reel me back in by forcing himself to cry or to throw up, or by threatening to tell everyone that I was a worthless whore. That year and a half long period of my life still affects me. While I can’t blame all my problems on one person or one situation, I strongly believe that that relationship is the root to my insecurities and anxieties. Fortunately, the past two and a half years, while tough and emotional, have been periods of self love and self discovery.

I was a 7 year old girl with a lot of confidence, maybe that's why or just luck happened but the truth doesn't matter in this story, I grew up with only cousins and vafones brothers in a very close family, everyone knew everything it's quite surprising that they didn't know until I spoke what happened, during a vacation I don't remember the year or the place but I do remember that I was playing a hulk play 2 game, it was very late like 4 or 5 in the morning and my cousin was taking care of me he was older than 10 years old and he told me to sit on his lap, I remember how he took the game controller from me and then everything is confusing I don't remember anything until the following year, I matured quickly everyone said it was because I was an intelligent and agile girl, I was the next time that cousin tried to put a hand on me when I was 8 almost 9 I broke his nose.

I have tried numerous times to share my story. Although my story is 40+ years ago, I am just beginning find a very painful path to healing. As a male abused, abandoned and left to survive without support I think makes my story harder to relive and tell. Thank you for this safe space. Hopefully soon I can return and tell my story.

All that I can remember is growing up feeling empty and worthless. Constantly having to deal with drunk parents feeding into your head that your not enough and will never be. Watching them slowly get consumed by addiction. I developed an intense list of diagnoses. It had got to the point where I couldn't talk myself out of attempting suicide and spiraling downward into a fight with self harm. I was being placed in Hospitals for suicide attempts almost every other month. Bouncing around in institutions and being torn from the every bit of nothing I had left. I had lost all hope. I started abusing drugs and fell into my parents footsteps devloping an addiction of my own. During the times I was using I had been drugged to be gang raped, laced, and pimped out living on the streets at 16. I caught Multiple STI's and had to get treated. After being picked up off the street and interigated I was place in a residential rehab facility where I had to do a lot of personal growth. Having my parents abandon me throughout all of my personal struggles I was left to face this on my own. The road has not been smooth or easy at all, but I am so greatful that I chose to keep fighting and persevere. My Dad finally stepped up to the plate and divorced my Mother after allowing her to abuse us throughout our lives and poison our emotional well-being. Now me, my dad and my brother have built back out relationship and we are now happy and healthy. Sometimes you have to go through the dark before you can appreciate the light. I am a Survivor. I am Enough. I am Strong.

"Name" There's a guy who started harassing me four months ago. I kept telling him to leave me alone and he wouldn't. He kept persisting and next I found myself really scared and out of it, drifting in and out of consciousness. Mostly unconscious I heard his voice and he said that he thought he was going to have to come and get me and bring me to his house. I felt like I'd been sexually violated or assaulted and knew I'd been somewhere around some bad people. It's like I could feel their energy all over me still and inside I felt really bad and I had not felt that way before then. I couldn't remember what happened. I only remember waking up a couple times, the first time I was bawling and crying then drifted back into unconsciousness. The next time I came to I remember feeling so bad like something really terrible and ominous had happened to me and I remember hearing myself asking someone who was there with me, this guy I didn't know, if I could die now since I felt it was over, whatever terrible thing it was. Then I went unconscious again. Next thing I know this other woman is screaming and this same guy is going off on me. She's arguing with him, I think? I can only hear her saying, you know that she didn't do anything to you and she said that he was just taking his shit out on me. Before this I remember it seemed like I was talking to this guy and he started having sex with me. I was still pretty out of it but it seemed like he had sex with me numerous times. Then I was out of it again and woke up with this guy telling me someone, this guy who he and I both knew saw my little girl and said that he wanted to kill her and started telling me in graphic detail about how he brutally attacked her sexually and killed her. That woman also said, you know how he refers to you when he talks to me? He calls you "The Stupid Bitch". I didn't know who these people were and later she went off on me herself calling me a slut and telling me that he talks to her with respect and that he doesn't do that with me because I didn't deserve respect. One minute she was going off on him and telling off on him and the next she was going off on me and telling me that I'm a mean person like all those mean people that want to expose him for doing this to other people. He even told me he'd done this to other women before himself and talked a little bit about them. I didn't know what was happening or where I was and I couldn't see anything. He also told me that some people he named did the same thing to my mentally and emotionally disabled sister who was also physically handicapped. I didn't know who this guy was and upon awakening again was confused and disoriented. He started telling me that I'd just been gang raped by at least 13 guys and not just by him. I didn't believe him but he started counting how many guys were in the room. I was so out of it but started to get a really bad feeling and thought I heard other voices in the room, in the background. He said that there was a guy who was going to come to my house and hurt me. I don't know who this guy is or any of these people but I remember at some point after that seeing one guy come up off the bed, from on top of me in the dark moving around and wanting to know if I had any money or valuables and he started looking around for some. I didn't get a good look at him and I was out of it and in and out of consciousness but I did hear his voice clearly when he said he thought he would have to take me back to his place. He sounded like a young man to me. He implicated other people who were involved in this but I felt like he just did that and said that because they were people I actually knew. I kept saying, no they wouldn't do that. But then because I was still out of it at the time and had been harmed I accused one guy and confronted him and just embarrassed myself and him. Exactly what I think this guy wanted and that's not all he did. He intentionally knew I wasn't well when he targeted me, started stalking me and did all of this. I had previously been diagnosed with PTSD due to other trauma in my life and then within a period of time my mother, my cousin, who helped raise me and my sister who I had a close bond with who had just died tragically and suddenly only months before this had me in this deep shock and grief, just disbelief. I was in the darkest place of my life. Because of what some other family members did it was a real nightmare like I can't even begin to describe. It was so traumatic for me and then this happened. He did this and she did this, I knew I was being abused, shamed, humiliated and dehumanized and he was using a made up name at the time, had short black hair from what he said, then later starting using another name, Name. He told me the kind of music he liked, The Misfits and Black Flag. He creepily hit on me after severely damaging me and started saying something like he felt like he was my man now. That woman was screaming that he only wanted sex and that he was a womanizer when he was saying that to me. Both of them immediately started denying that they'd done anything when I said I was going to tell people what they did to me. I said he damaged me and every time I'd say that he'd say, "No, you weren't damaged." I just ached in pain and he'd say something like that like "No, you're not damaged." He even said I felt to kind of rub it in at one point, "C'mon, it wasn't THAT bad was it?" like he knew he'd harmed me and was being sarcastic. He said there was other guys in that room but I only ever was sure of him and her being there. I asked him why did he pick me, why did he do this? He said you want reasons? You want reasons? It's because I don't care about who you are as a person, that's why. They both kept saying that all throughout the ordeal over and over and I thought why do they keep saying that? No one cares about you as a person. We don't care about you as a person. She'd say, he has all of his shit together he just doesn't care about you as a person. Over and over like I was being indoctrinated. Then they would mention the name of someone I knew and say, *this person* doesn't care about you as a person and at one point was chanting that certain people I knew wanted me to kill myself. I still don't know to this day who these people are or were and they still haunt me and harass me inside of my head after everything I've been through I thought they tried to make me crazy, she said he does this kind of thing to fuck people like me up. It just feels like they tried and are still somehow trying to destroy me and my life. I can't even get them out of my head even today.

I was just 10 years old when a family member decided it was okay to play "doctors and nurses with me" it was then when he started to sexually abuse me. I was so oblivious to what was going on, I didn't realise how wrong it was until I grew older, I thought it was normal as he was doing it to his sister too. I was told not to say anything it was a secret between us 3. I blocked it out of my memory until I left school, well I believed a blocked it out, but looking back now I think that is why my behaviour was so defiant. I was just always told I had ADHD/Autism was why I was naughty, but looking back now I think its because I still had to see his face. I eventually disclosed what happened to me once I had left school to a friend, someone I trusted. I needed to tell someone and that's when I really realised how wrong it was and it really hit me. It's surprising how something you push to the back of your mind and block out can really affect you psychologically still. I have 0 confidence and still don't know, I feel worthless, like a failure and I never feel good about myself, I really struggle too. When I disclosed my abuse to someone, it all went so fast, they helped me tell my parents and then my mum helped me reach out to the police. The local police in my area let me down, I realise I had no evidence, because it happened when I was 10 many times, but I still recall what happened, I was brought to a safe house where I had my interview, I felt violated all over again. the questions they asked me, it brought everything back. It didn't even make it to court the police came to the conclusion that it was "JUST A GAME BETWEEN TWO KIDS" they believe there was no maliciousness behind it - A Game - These words have stay with me since then and I can never shake them off, it was not just a game he knew what he was doing, he understood and had full capacity of what he was doing to me. He didn't even make it onto the register, even though he was doing it to his sister as well. The worst part is going though it at such a young age, then having the courage to speak out and then not being believed and told it was a game really affects me to this day, even though I don't like to show it does, I'm very much a girl who makes jokes and smiles all the time to get past the trauma, even having dark humour to cover up the hurt I feel inside, I have always let this abuse, being SA'd affect me. I can't have Sex with men, I feel broken and damaged, I want to be able to have fun but every time I go to have fun I close up and I physically struggle to have sex with men, and when I do have sex with them I do it to make them happy because I feel so bad about letting t hem down and failing as a partner. Maybe I haven't moved past my trauma as much I think I have. I think I still have a lot of healing to go. I recently encountered something at work, which again I was let down people that I thought would help me, I feel so hurt and so Alone. A couple months ago I was working in my local hospital It was my favourite job, I was helping people through chemo and there cancer treatment, I was, as many of my patients called me 'Their little ray of sunshine on a gloomy day' ☀️. I was working on a night shift and was approached by an agency worker who start talking to me, and me being me was nice to him and talking away, like I do with everyone I am a very friendly person and he took my being nice as a invitation to try it on with me, which I said no thank you. and he continued to touch me, and at one point got his man hood out which again I said 'No' he grabbed my hand to touch it, which I continued to say no, he told me keep to down, stay silent and feel what I was doing to him, I tried pulling my hand away. I went numb and started to just shut down. Luckily saved by the bell, someone was needing assistant and we were the only two working so he went and answered the bell and told me he will come back later, at the time I was heading on my break too sleep in the staff room, I was terrified to sleep, even though I locked the door so he couldn't get in I was so upset about what just happened, he said he would follow me home. I told the nurse in charge what had happened and he was moved to another ward in the hospital. They told me in order to do anything I need to write a statement and they could involve the police but I would have to go to court, do a statement, re live what happened, face him, which at the time I was just to traumatised to do because I wasn't believed last time anything happened and I couldn't face him, he was banned from the hospital and was not allowed to work in healthcare establishment after that, he then disappeared no one knew where he went or where he was. I took a few days off work for 'Mental health' as I got 'triggered' (I word I don't like to use) and I got penalised because of it. I have recently lost my job and I tried to fight my corner and had a tribunal due to me being off for sickness, the head of nursing turned around to me in the tribunal and told me 'Being off sick for the 'alleged sexual assault was not a good enough reason'. Again making me feel absolute shit as if she didn't believe me and my reason for being off which I only took a few days off to just try and sort my head out and find my worth made me feel like my reason was not validated and even if I was to take anything further regarding the SA in the hospital, they would not of supported to me anyways. Every day I am constantly having a battle in my head about being good enough. I get scared and also feel like I shouldn't share my story because what happened to me isn't half as bad as what some people have gone through. Did I lead them on? If only I wasn't too scared to speak up? Did I flirt with him or make him want me? questions I ask myself daily... I know I was only 10 but when people who are meant to be people you can trust and have authority tell you its a game, it does make me question still now to this day was it a game, a game that hurt me, and made me feel very uncomfortable and a game I didn't like, but still just a game between two. Law and Order and Olivia Benson (Mariska Hargitay) has saved my life, oddly it is my comfort show and helps me through some dark times and helped me understand and also know that it is wrong what happened to me. I also learnt its okay to share your story and it is always good to speak out about it, don't feel you're a burden or you're worthless, you are never alone there Is always someone out there that will be there for you. I am on a journey like everyone else that has suffered and been through some dark times and I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I am not alone, I think sharing my story will really help me feel less alone, I hope more people are able to speak up even if it is just through this. You are not Alone <3 sorry for such a long post

It was a long time ago, over 20 years ago. This is my first-step towards healing. Over the years I told my mom and my husband about what happened, but given that I was the "fun" one in those days, some will say I brought it upon myself. Did I? I remember the school trip abroad. He looked at my with a twinkle in his eye on the departure flight- my heart sank. We would spend time together, a lot of time, as he just broke-up with his girlfriend. I remember the night so clearly; we were abroad dancing the night away in a club and then the energy changed- it was electric. We held hands running through the city squares to his room. I had never felt so happy before. We were alone, making out. I remember the light in the bathroom was an odd color green and then he was in me. NO! I never said Yes. I never said Yes. I never, ever said Yes. The next day the classmates knew what he did. There were nods of disapproval. Despite my extreme and vocal curiosity, I never said Yes and I couldn't say No. He took it from me. The next day there were signs and later on an infection. Yuck. My mom told me I would die from AIDS and this wore on my mental health for months. He is a laywer now, married with kids. I went through a memory box recently and he said he "Was not "that" guy" in a note exchange, but he was worse. He stripped my heart, my soul and my mental health. I was SO alone. I will never forget it, and I will make sure my daughters are self-aware of their worth and the rights to their body. I will be there for them and not ignore it.

This happened when I was 22. I met this guy from college: good looking, charming, self confident, intelligent. He was super into literature and had even published a poetry book. Anyway, we dated a total of 2 months and during this time he raped me twice, sexually coerced me most of the times we were intimate, cheated on me and had behaviours I didn't quite understand at the time - now I believe he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The first time he raped me, he didn't want to use a condom and I rejected the idea. He insisted and I kept saying no. So he forced himself inside. I made him stop and put a condom on, not understading what had just happened. Eventually we broke up because he was moving, but we saw each other in this new city and got back together. Everything seemed great - I told me he loved me, we held hands like two lovebirds. But that same night, he took the condom off without me knowing or consenting. I realized when he put it next to me. What happened next is still a blur. I remember being in the bathroom bleeding and crying (he said the bleeding was normal while he smoke a cigarette, unpreoccupied). I remember arriving at the hotel in a taxi, but I don't remember leaving his house or getting a taxi. I bled for 5 days after that. It took me some months to realize I had been in a abusive relationship - both sexually and psichologically. It took me years to recover - to get out of a major depression and suicide thoughts, which I was able to hide from everyone in my life. My passion about reading since I was a young girl suddenly vanished; I couldn't stand to look at my face in the mirror. I hated myself and I didn't want to be in my body anymore. 5 years have passed and I know I'm not to blame for what happened, but it still shames me that I didn't realize I had been raped and that I stayed - over and over again. I'm now finding the courage to go to therapy: I know I will feel lighter from the secret I've been carrying. We all deserve someone who will listen without judgement.

I would do anything for it not to be real, but it is. And I’m starting to think it’s more common than any of us want to admit. But it’s time to be brave and acknowledge these hard truths no matter how much it hurts. Because we deserve healing and even more than that, we deserve a world that sees and acknowledges these horrors for what they are. The nature of the trauma that comes with living through something so disgusting is that your brain tends to block a lot out as a way to protect you. That’s how shattering of an event CSA is. I can’t remember how exactly young but it was YOUNG—- so young that everyone refused to believe me even though all of the signs were there. I’m talking 5 or 6 years old, and so that would have made my younger brother, the perpetrator, as little as 4 years old. Was it because he was younger that my dad just ignored it when he’d see my brother pinning me down in the yard and rubbing himself on me? We were all there to witness it but I’m the only one bearing the scars. What do you think happens when a little kid can see he can get away with something? Of course it escalated. And no one did anything when they found my bloody underwear even though it would be 7 more years before I saw my first period. My mother yelled at me when she saw them….Why? I didn’t make them that way, why am I in trouble and not your son who I keep telling you is hurting me when he lays on me? But according to her it had to have been something else, a medical condition or anomaly, certainly not what her own son was doing. Poor thing had to think about something that made her uncomfortable, meanwhile I had to continue to live with and be groped by and molested and penetrated by that “uncomfortable” for the next decade. Yes, kids can most certainly abuse other kids even at ages that seem horrifically young to you. If it’s horrible for you to realize, imagine how horrible it is to have happen to you. And no, I don’t talk to that “father”, or that “brother”, and certainly not the “mother” who insisted she’s actually the biggest victim in this horror story by having to think about any of it in the first place. If only she cared what her own daughter, and all of us other survivors, must think about. Tell your story as many times as you have to, and don’t entertain folks who do anything but give you the unrelenting, undying support you deserve. I mean that. If you read this and take anything away from it, please take that.

When I was in college I met this horrible man who insisted that he wanted to date me. He insisted that we hit it off on our first date when he knew that we had nothing in common and it could never work. He smoked a pack of cigarettes a day, drank alcohol to get drunk all of the time and even used harder drugs like shrooms as he called them. I am not into any of these things. I did not get along well with him or with his family or friends, but he absolutely insisted that I continue to talk to him and be in a serious relationship with him. He continuously talked me into hanging out with him and his friends who constantly smoked and drank all the time. As I got to know him he told me that he has no hopes, no dreams, no heroes, and no aspirations. He lived with his parents and had no car. He told me that he is too lazy to even learn to drive. He also continuously talked me into doing things that I did not want to do like hang out with his friends who I did not like because they smoked and drank so much. From early on in the relationship he asked me to have unprotected sex with him and I told him, no, I will not do that. He found a way to talk me into having unprotected oral sex with him by continuously asking and telling me that I cannot get pregnant from that. I agreed to that but I did not agree to unprotected regular sex. Yet he kept asking me for unprotected regular sex over and over again. He repeatedly tried to coerce me into this and I said no every single time. One day he called my cell phone and started screaming into the phone that he could not feel enough pleasure with a condom on and is not taking no for an answer anymore. He screamed at me repeatedly over and over again and said, "I am going to force you". A few months later, I was at his friends' house with him in my deep sleep and he forced me into unprotected sex with him as I was asleep in my deep sleep. He woke me up and said that he had had unprotected (nonconsensual) sex with me because I did not give him a condom. This man is a complete rapist. If that was not bad enough he continued to drink to the point where he was drunk and began calling me and leaving me messages calling me the N word over and over again. (The N word is nigger), (I am black and he is white). I wonder if he had gotten me pregnant if he would call his own children that word. This man was THE most sinister, most disgraceful, most despicable, most wicked people I have ever ever met in my entire existence as a human being. I really wish that I never met him. It is a shame that he was ever born. I really wish that he could be deported back to his original country and thrown in prison for life.

I hadn't seen my bestfriend from school for about a year, She invited me to attend her college ball. I flew in off the back of a week of drinking and not sleeping. Specifically I had not slept the night before so when I arrived at the college I was thoroughly exhausted. She said we were going to the pub straight away, I didn't bother getting changed and was so sick of alcohol that I could hardly sip my drink. At the pub she introduced me to her boyfriend and his twin brother. She had been encouraging me to get with him, so that we could go on double dates. I hung out with them for majority of the night as I didn't really know anyone else there and had so much to catch up on with my bestfriend. A little later on I got very hungry, I hadn't eaten lunch or dinner that day. I went around and asked my friends if they wanted to go and get food with me, they said no. My bestfriend's boyfriend's brother piped up, he said he would come with me. I felt uncomfortable but thought he was a nice guy and I was only going next door. At the maccas I ordered six chicken nuggets, as I ate he sat there watching, he then started demanding that I hurry up. As we left he walked next to me and then leant in and kissed me, it was weird, I didn't think I had been giving off signals that I was interested in him. As I kept walking he suddenly said, lets go back to the college. I had been saying all night that I was really keen to sleep and hadn't slept for 24 hours but I said no, I want to go back to the pub with my friends. He insisted that I go back with him to college right then and there, and I repeatedly said no, he then started saying that my friends were messaging him and they said they were going back in 15 mins. I still refused, he then hailed a cab and said that I had to now and he was paying for it so it was a free trip. In the cab I sat in the middle seat, I leant on his shoulder, and he immediately started grabbing my breasts, painfully hard, I forced him off and jolted upright. Realising I had lost my wallet, I asked the cab to turn back, but he told the cab no and to keep driving and that he was the one paying. At the college, I had no idea where I was, he said, "lets go back to my car" and panic began to set in, had he not realised why I was here? I did not want to do anything sexual I was here to sleep as I had said over and over again. I asked him to take me to my bestfriend's room, he lead me through numerous empty pitch black hallways and doors, finally he stopped and entered a room, I had been following about 5/10m behind constantly looking for an exit or somewhere to run. I walked in and sat on the bed on my phone. I was frantically texting my friends asking when they were going to be back, this was not my ex-bestfriend's room. They said maybe 30mins, as I was texting he came over and said, "give me your phone." I said, "what, no. why?" "so you don't get distracted." "distracted for what? I don't want to do anything." After waiting for a few more minutes I lay down. He lay down next to me and began touching my body. He even started trying to put his hands down my pants. I kept pushing him off and saying no, stop and I don't want to do anything. He continued for what felt like 45mins. He put his fingers on and into my vagina. Eventually I stopped resisting. He got up and told me to take his shirt off, I said no, I don't want to do anything. He took his own shirt off. He proceeded to take my pants off. He pulled me ontop of him and grabbed my throat. He started hitting my right buttox. and calling me a fucking slut and fucking dumb bitch. I could not breathe, everytime I fought he choked me harder, hit me harder and squeezed my breasts harder. I was shouting No and Stop when I could. It did not do anything. After he pushed me off but kept his hand on my stomach. He said, "I'm going again." I was still saying "No." "If you don't let me go again, I will get some other fucking slut too. I can get any other bitch out there. I can get anyone." "Good!" With that he rolled ontop and forced my legs apart, he starting licking my vagina. - His brother knocked and the door and tried to force his way in, he was still swearing and shouting at me and the brother, calling him a cunt and telling him to fuck off. I hid under the sheets, when they left I went to get up but he pushed me back down so I was sitting on the bed and forced his penis in my face. He held my head with one hand and his penis with the other as I moved my face side to side saying no. He backed off then did the same thing again. Finally he backed off, I scrambled for my clothes but couldn't find my phone. I screamed at him, "where is my phone!" he completely ignored me and sat on the bed on his own phone. This went on for a few minutes, I began frantically searching the room and found it buried on a desk shelf under clothes and other items. It was on aeroplane mode, I had missed calls from the police, my friends, my parents. as I tried to escape, he kept pulling me back down onto his lap. from behind, from the front, I was still shouting NO. When I got to the door, it was jammed shut with mattresses, I yanked at the handle, and only a tiny light shone through. He started coming over and I started pushing myself through the door. He yanked my arm and said, "Don't I get a goodbye kiss, you better message me tomorrow, on facebook." He forced his mouth on me as I turned my head from side to side and with renewed fright slid straight through the gap in the door. A friend saw me and called out, I ran to her, she showed me my bestfriend's room. She was sick while the other watched, "where have you been, we've all been looking for you." I burst into tears, "was it a bad experience with a boy?" I nodded. "thats ok, it happens to everyone" "yeh just get over it. you're just overreacting." The police arrived that night to give me my wallet but the twin brother and my bestfriend stood there making sure I didn't say anything. Later that night I rolled up in a corner on the floor, I closed my eyes waiting for morning to come. Nightmares flashed in and out of my mind. And then at around 3am he came into the room I was sleeping, with his friends. I was so scared I couldn't move at all. I was so scared that when he pegged a football at my face I didn't even flinch. He openly denied that anything had happened to his friends in that room. My 'bestfriends' they laughed and watched. Covered in bruises the next day my bestfriend and other friends said nothing. Now they are my ex-friends and my ex-bestfriend. Some refused to give statements to the police, the others colluded to make a story with the rapist. One of their mothers even rang up mine and got mad, saying the police rang her daughter at work and she was really upset and whats all this nonsense, it happened over a year ago. They spread rumours around saying that I was overreacting and nothing bad happened to me. I have never told a single one of those girls what happened to me, they have made their own assumptions. They have never messaged me or talked to me about it, even now that he has been arrested, nothing. I now have new bestfriends, they have never interrogated me, not believed me or believed the lie that he is now spreading. I adore them and I am so honoured that they call me a friend. I owe them my life.