Community

I had an entire story written out but don't know if I'm ready to tell it in detail yet. Basically as a young man in my early twenties I was lured to a house by an older man, drugged, raped, and then essentially sexually and psychologically tortured over a period of two weeks. All of this was an attempt to condition me to essentially believe I deserved it all, and to continue to participate in these acts where I was degraded, raped, humiliated, which I did. I pulled away a few times over the years but would always come back. Usually personal setbacks would trigger the shame for what had happened to me and what I had willingly done and I would go back. Finally I got married and moved to another state. But I never really cut contact with them. During the marriage I was in pyschiatric hospitals two times. I had been developing loss of sexual sensitivity issues for a long time and refused to get them treated, because I felt I didn't deserve my wife. 6 months before it ended I started engaging in self harm that increased this issue. I wanted to stop any chance I had of being with her in that way. Eventually she divorced me. I left for my home state and went straigh back to the group I was with before. I lived that lifestyle until two years when I stopped completely. There is more to tell but basically I don't understand the actions of most of my life. I was lured into this against my will, but willingly entered into it after some coercion. When I experienced my first rape my entire thinking and understanding of the world shifted. If that hadn't happened, would I have sought out some similar group of people and done similar stuff? I don't see myself as a victim. But if I do secretly want the life with the “group,” why do I keep leaving it. Why when I leave it am I able to live a somewhat normal life? But end up seeking destruction again? I'm writing this because within the last few weeks I have felt that despite the force and coercion, I chose to participate. And knowing that have had feelings that I'm essentially bad, and thus put myself back in harmful situations.

I am age 60. I was raped, I guess, a few decades ago. I cannot recall the year due to blocks. Not sure why that is. But I don't pressure it. My rapist was a federal executive, with a secret clearance. He defrauded me in the marriage, with held his autism and clearance status from me. Deeply manipulated me. Spied on me with tech in our home. This was between 1990s and 2017. Spying on me enabled his raped of me. I learned he was spying on my computer as he raped me. But, I have an art degree, in 2017 (the rape was previous to 2017) I could not grasp how he spied. But the raped proved to me he was. It destroyed me. As an empath, trusting, I guess to a fault, I never comprehended he was violating my privacy and when he violated my body: it crushed me. It took decades to walk again, by this I mean stand. Emotionally stand. I hid it from therapists. I told hospitals he raped me and they ignored that report then released me directly back into his power. This continued assaults. All I can say to young women is; you are not to blame. I learned my ex was a legitimate pyschopath. And that enabled the rape. Few can navigate psychopath abuse. But, even fewer when your rapist is a federal executive with a secret clearance. Don't give up. Ever. Don't ever give up. You don't deserve to be treated like a female animal. Nor your daughters. Sadly, white men in power? Never progressed into civility.This is my story. DON'T GIVE UP.

I Saved Myself Every system that was supposed to protect me failed me. My family. The police. The courts. Children and Youth. I had to save myself. This is how. I met him in 2016. After my son was born. He came in like a knight in shining armour. The devil was hiding inside him. I moved in with him the day I met him. The control started right away. One summer day he went through my phone. He threw it and it shattered. He pushed me on the porch. I fell with my son in my arms. My body became his shield. The neighbors called the police. They arrested him. His mother showed up and asked me what did you do. Not what happened. Not are you okay. What did you do. Then she turned off the air conditioning and left my son and me to sweat in the summer heat. She was our landlord. I should have left then. I did not know how. One year after the porch I stood in Walmart with empty pockets and a hungry three year old. He had made sure there was no food in the house. Not because we were broke. Because he did not care. I stole an entire bag full of food. I did not make it past the door. Security stopped me. The police came. I broke. They put me on a 302 hold right then. And they took my son. Not to family. To foster care. The system does not ask why you stole. It just sees a crime and punishes you for surviving. A month later my mom got him. She fought through paperwork and background checks from out of state. She brought him home. I stayed behind. I did not know how to leave anymore. He decided we were moving. Hours from my mom. Hours from my son. Hours from anyone who could help. Then I was raped to have a baby. I tried to get an abortion. He refused. He abused me for trying. He drove me hours back home against my will instead of to the appointment. I told him I could not do this. He said we are keeping it. I said I do not think I can. He said you do not have a choice. Four words. Final. When my daughter was born they put her on my chest. I felt nothing. Not love. Not relief. Just emptiness. I thought I do not know how to love you. I do not even know how to love myself. A few days after we got her home he grabbed my weeks old daughter from her crib and threw her into her swing. He called her a fat fucking pig. He propped her bottle on a blanket so he would not have to hold her. I stood frozen. If I moved it would get worse. We moved to city, state. The house had holes in the floors. No heat. It was winter. We lived in one room with a space heater. Two days after we moved in I could not take it anymore. I left her in her swing. He was home. I walked to the nearby school and called an ambulance. I told them I slapped my daughter. I lied. It was the only way to get a 302 hold. The only way to be taken seriously. They kept me for weeks. I finally slept. Then Children and Youth knocked. The caseworker said his mother had temporary legal guardianship of my daughter. I believed them. I had no lawyer. I was drowning. So I complied. What I found out much later is that it was a lie. She never had guardianship. But by then I had acted like she did. And the system called that abandonment. We moved into a camper on his mothers front lawn. My daughter lived inside the house. We lived outside in the cold. They expected me to visit her. I could not walk through that door. His mother was in there. Watching. Judging. The woman who enabled everything. So I left. A few days later he texted that I could get my things. Everything I owned was destroyed. Clothes ripped. Photos torn. Deliberate. A message that said if I can not have you you get nothing. Everyone asked what are you going to do about your daughter. Not how are you healing. Not what do you need. I fought for custody because that is what mothers are supposed to do. Then the court gave me a choice. Sign over full custody or keep fighting and lose anyway. I signed. He texted me. If you want to see her you have to pay. He turned my daughter into a transaction. Years later I tried again. Every other weekend she came to my apartment and screamed for her dad for hours. He had told a four year old she was not allowed to like her mother. Then I found out I was pregnant. Not forced this time. Chosen. With someone safe. He started texting me constantly. Telling me I was worthless. Telling me to kill myself. Just off yourself. Everyone would be better off. Over and over. I was pregnant. I called Children and Youth. The same system that failed me before. They said there is not much we can do unless there is immediate danger. And just like that I was the problem again. Not him. Not the system. Me. So I made a choice. I stopped seeing my daughter. I stopped answering his texts. I stopped performing. I moved three hours away with my partner and had the baby I chose. The baby I wanted. I pay child support every month. On time. Because that is my legal obligation. But I do not call. I do not visit. And I do not feel guilty about it anymore. I am writing this from my living room. My baby is asleep in the next room. The baby I chose. For the first time in my life I understand what people mean when they say motherhood is beautiful. Because it can be. When it is chosen. When it is supported. When it is safe. People ask if I regret it. I regret that she exists in pain. But I do not regret leaving. I do not regret choosing myself. I do not regret finding peace. This is not a redemption story. Forced motherhood does not always end with healing. Sometimes it ends with walking away. And that is okay. Because my life matters too. My survival matters too. If you are reading this and you see yourself in my story. If you were forced into motherhood. If you are drowning and no one believes you. You are not alone. You are not broken. You are not a monster. You are surviving. If you need permission to choose yourself. If you need someone to tell you it is okay to walk away from something that is destroying you. I am giving it to you. You are allowed to survive. You are allowed to choose peace. Healing is not the ending. It is the direction. And I am still walking it.

I could never remember my childhood well, even as a kid. But I started to be hypersexual at 3, and so thats when I believe me and my brother started touching (hes 3 and a half years older). When I was 12 I remembered and told my parents, my mom freaked out and screamed at me. She said it was my fault and that it wasn't too bad if I didn't tell anyone. I fear thats she's right. When I was 14 and in deep psychosis, I felt like there was more to remember. I started to feel my brother's hands over my body and mouth. I remembered us having sex 3 times. The first time when I was 6 and the last when I was 8. One of those times he was hitting me and pinning me. I dont know how real those memories are because I recovered them in psychosis. I started doing really bad cus all I could think about was me and my brother fucking. A couple of months ago I remembered my brother fucking me with his hands around my neck (which was painful). Im so scared that really happened because I see my brother daily and hes my best friend. Im worried ill remember more.

You Are Not Alone You are not alone. So many of us had so much taken from us by people who put pleasing their basal urges over our sanity. For their moments of bliss and dominance we suffer. We blame ourselves for their sickness. THEIR pathology. There is an army of us. That is what these stories teach us. They show us we are legion. We are strong. Our psychological reactions of fear, mistrust, hatred are not crazy. They are normal. It is also normal, but not easy, to climb out the darkness together. I grew up in a large low income black of flats that was like a village. My mum worked and we went about by ourselves. In the winter we were never expected to be seen if we left. We were in some flat mucking about with some kids or neighbor, and it all worked out fine. I did lose my virginity when I was eleven to a friend of my older brother who was in year ten. But that was no bother because it was not uncommon there, sadly. I am half Brazilian on my absent father’s side and was considered quite exotic and fit. My secondary sexual characteristics developed early. I was reasonably careful and in control. True abuse began years later when we moved out to a proper house with HIM. HE was my mom’s dream man. HE was fit for a middle-aged man. By that time my brother wasn’t with us because he took work in Alaska on a fishing boat. HE was ex-Army and seemed like a good man at first. I was a bit of trouble maker and over-cheeky and my mom gave HIM carte blanche to discipline me like father. We weren’t there the length of a full season when HE started treating me like a tart. The spanking part mom knew about and thought it was funny, even with me being fifteen. HE spanked my bare bum even when she was home. She said I’d always needed a man’s hand to block of my rough edges. It was cringe, humiliating, but nothing compared to what HE did when mum was away. Not to get detailed, HE soon got to a point where I was going to get HIS load whenever there was the chance. Since HE got to set my schedule he made sure there were regular chances. It was my HELL and HE was the Prince of Darkness. He was rough but careful not to leave any marks. Unless time was short I had to shower first. Sometimes after there would be something specific sitting out to wear, like a costume or lingerie, or my netball kit. The grating anticipation of what was going to follow was the real torture. HE would tell me to “Pick a hole”. My holes! My foof was one, my mouth was two, and you’d think I would never select three. But you’d be wrong. I hated HIM. I am very sensitive sexually and if I went with one I looked like I loved it and if I chose two I was doing work to please HIM. Three was the way I could shut down and brace myself without him ever seeing me smile, even if I was facing toward him. When I was strong with hatred I would choose three. I compartmentalized that small but brutal part of my life for my mum. If was a mere thirty to one hundred twenty minutes per a week of 10080 minutes. And I saw no other way then. Mum, for the first time was living a happy life. I could have won a BAFTA for how I seemed so cozy and content for her. It gutted me that my fear of upsetting HIM made it appear that HE had smoothed out my rough edges and made me into a proper lady. I kept my marks up and stayed on the netball team in spite of being the shortest. I kept going. I developed a habit of stabbing mechanical pencil tips into my skin and biting my nailbeds to illicit pain. I had one boyfriend for a short time. I went to the dances. Home was my hell so I did everything HE would allow to be anywhere else. I could not work but he made my mum keep her job so he could have me. My birthdays I would get my way of having a just girls’ night out with mum. There were only two birthdays before I got free of him. College cost 1000 pounds and when HE paid it HE did not know I was not going to be his tart anymore. I had a friend with a home much closer to my school. They had spare bedroom because an older sibling had moved out. Being seventeen, HE couldn’t force me to live with them if I had other safe accommodations. I took employment and paid the meager rent. He got me one more time when I was sleeping back at his house on Christmas eve. Probably drugged mum to keep her sleeping. I made sure he never got a chance again. Through my Portuguese class I met a man who lived in Portugal and invited me to come stay with him as long as I wanted rent free. I finished one year of sixth form and went to Portugal. I had fleeting relations with the man I stayed with but he traveled often we both had our own things. I worked at an American-themed restaurant as a server then. I spoke with my mum on the phone most days. She visited once, with HIM. I missed her and tried not to show much of my sorrow about being forced apart from her. Seeing HIM was horrendous, yet I kept it contained inside like a cancer. It helped solidify my decision. I traveled with a friend to Florida and got a job serving in a posh restaurant. I applied for a work VISA and on my second try I got it. I am thirty-eight now. Only three years ago did I confront my demons because I read online stories about other abuse survivors. It opened up a deep wound so I could start to heal. It was and still is hard work and an ongoing process. I confessed to my mum who had split with HIM after years of her own abuse that she also kept hidden. HE had let her go when she started having health problems, showing his true black heart. She lives with my brother and his family. I regret losing years with mum and my brother and being chased away from my home when I was young but it made me stronger. I have never married but I have a loving partner, two dogs and I speak three languages. I am a physical trainer and work near the beach where I go to meditate and body surf. Our journeys and stories are individual but we are in this together. Worldwide. You are not alone in carrying the pain and the shame and the fear and the flashbacks! Even if you are in the dark, start toward a path that looks like others are using to try to climb out. Use the resources, even if just right there on your computer, and build from there. Just start and keep climbing, especially when it seems too hard.