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My story is a bit long. When I was 15 or 16, I was reminded of things that had happened when I was between 4 and 5. Two uncles abused me. My memories of this have never been clear, and now, many years later, everything has become more distant and confusing, and I've doubted myself and my story several times. There are other things that happened in my childhood that I do remember more clearly: when I was between 7 and 8, I saw my parents having sex next to me (that night I had slept with them in their bed). Some time later, the same thing happened again, but with my stepfather and my mother. Also, when I was between 7 and 8, I was looking through some CDs in the DVD library at home, trying to label them by genre or movie. One of the CDs was a pornographic film. As usual, I was alone at home, so I watched the whole thing. I don't remember if I masturbated. I know that from a very young age I rubbed myself with stuffed animals, dolls, and other objects, although without much awareness of what I was doing, but the fear of being seen was present. There's something that haunts me right now: when I was 6 or 7 years old, my cousin (a year older) and I played around imitating some positions from a Kama Sutra book she had at home. I also have faint memories of once, while we were bathing, rubbing our private parts together. I don't know if this happened out of mutual curiosity and because of the content of the book we'd been exposed to, or if I was the one who created the situation and persuaded her to do it, or if I manipulated her. I don't remember it happening, but I'm afraid it did. What if I imitated what my uncles did to me or what I saw in the content I was exposed to? I feel fear, guilt, and shame. Also, half a year ago, I remembered that when I was 10 years old and I carried my little sister (who was about a month old) on my lap, I felt a pleasurable stimulus in my intimate area from the contact. When this image came back to me (it wasn't clear either, like my other memories), I felt guilty, but it didn't escalate because I understood it was a physical reaction and nothing more. But then I couldn't stop thinking about it and I wondered if I had prolonged or intensified the contact, and I felt so much guilt, disgust, and shame. It was so strong that I had an episode of OCD, and I feel like I still haven't been able to get out of it, because now I'm flooded with doubts about what happened with my cousin.

When I was between 4 and 5 years old, I was sexually abused by two uncles (10 to 12 years older than me). These memories remained hidden for about 10 years. Now, many years have passed since I first remembered what had happened, and everything feels distant and confusing (I've never really had clear memories of what happened, and this has made me doubt myself and my story a lot). I think they taught me how to touch myself. I also had a childhood heavily exposed to sexual content: I have memories of my parents having sex in the same bed (I had started sleeping with them), and also later, around 8 years old, the same thing happened with my mom and stepfather (they had sex next to me). Once, when I was 8, I put on a CD and it was a porn movie; there was also a TV channel that showed porn. When I was 5 or 6, I would rub my cousin (a year older than me) and my private parts together. I don't have clear memories of this either. Now I'm afraid that I was the one who persuaded my cousin to do it. I also remember that there was a Kama Sutra book at her house, and I think we sometimes played at imitating what we saw in it. I'm afraid that I was the one who provoked everything, that I imitated what my uncles did to me. I'm afraid of being like them.

This year I managed to talk out loud for the first time about what happened to me as a "something", I always knew it but I kept it in the back of my head without giving it much thought because I knew if I did it was going to hurt, something in me knew it was wrong. When I was about 5/6 years old I had a friend a year or two older than me, I don't know how or when it started or why I "agreed", no matter how hard I try to remember I can't. This girl touched me and I touched her etc, I don't remember resisting or refusing and that makes it worse, I even think I liked it. Since then and as I grew older (similar situations happened to me at the hands of other girls) I began to feel shame and regret, in some ways it makes me feel dirty, as if I had never had innocence. Now I have a complicated relationship with sexuality, it hurts and makes me uncomfortable, I also can't feel good about myself, I feel like I'm guilty of this.

Testimony of a Young Woman from the Gulf I am a young woman from a Gulf country. From the outside, my family looks “normal” and religious. From the inside, I grew up in a house that felt like a cage. As a child, I didn’t even have my own room. My bed and closet were placed in a narrow corridor between my father’s room, the bathroom, and the kitchen. Above my bed, there was a window from my father’s room that looked directly down at where I slept and used my phone. I remember sitting on my bed, trying to distract myself with my phone, and suddenly feeling his eyes on me. I would look up and see him watching me through the window, quietly, as if he thought I wouldn’t notice. I hadn’t done anything wrong. I was always “the obedient daughter”. But the way he stared at me was terrifying – his eyes, his face. I felt like I was being monitored in my most private space. A little girl, with no door to close, no corner to feel safe in. I was also practically imprisoned from childhood. I was not allowed to go out like other children. My world was the house, school, and back again. I was beaten as a child and told it was “discipline”. And until this day, I am still not allowed to have friends or a social life of my own. Even normal friendships are treated as something dangerous or shameful. My childhood memories are full of being beaten by both my parents. If I cried or tried to talk about how I felt, my mother would tell me things like: “You’re exaggerating.” “You’re imagining things.” “It’s not that serious.” Once, after my father humiliated me in front of everyone, I went to her in tears, hoping she would comfort me. She looked at me with cold eyes and told me, “You shouldn’t cry.” The message was always the same: Your feelings are not real. You are the problem, not the violence. Today, my father keeps me practically imprisoned at home. I am an adult, but he still controls my movements and my life. If I went out for something as simple as a coffee without his knowledge and he found out, I don’t think he would kill me, but he would punish me harshly: beat me, lock me up even more, make my life hell. He ties his “manhood” to controlling me. He is more afraid of “what people will say” than of the damage he is doing to his own daughter. Most of my relatives see this as normal. To them, this is just “a strict father” protecting his daughter. To me, it is a prison and a form of ongoing abuse. My room now is my only real space. If I hadn’t gotten my own room, I honestly feel like I might have lost my mind by now. That small room is the only place where I can breathe, read, think, cry, and be myself – even if the rest of the house still feels unsafe. I also grew up in a system where religion and culture are used to justify what happens to girls like me. I was taught that: • I am “less” than a man. • My inheritance should be less. • My mind and my faith are “deficient”. • I must obey, be patient, and accept what is done to me because “this is our religion” and “this is our tradition”. At the same time, I see a world where: • A man who prays and fasts but is abusive can still be considered “a good Muslim”. • A non-Muslim who helps thousands of people may be told he will go to hell “no matter what he did”. This does not feel like justice to me. I struggle deeply with these contradictions. I feel like I am living in a lie built by history, religion as interpreted by men, and a society that normalizes violence against women and girls. There are things I still cannot describe in full detail, but I will say this: When a girl grows up being controlled, watched, hit, and silenced in her own home, surrounded by people who tell her “this is normal”, it leaves deep wounds. She learns to laugh and talk and act “fine” around others, but inside she carries fear, anger, sadness, and memories that attack her whenever she is alone. Because of all of this, I suffer every day in ways that are not always visible. I live with constant fear and anxiety in my own home. I have intrusive memories and thoughts about my childhood and my family, especially when I am alone. Sometimes I feel like I am watching my life from the outside, not really “there” with other people even when I am smiling and talking. I struggle with sleep, sudden waves of sadness, headaches, and a heavy feeling in my chest. I often feel guilty toward my sisters and torn between wanting to escape and feeling trapped by responsibility and fear. There have been moments when the pain was so intense that I wished I could disappear, even though I am still trying to hold on and continue my studies and my life. I often find myself thinking about girls and women in other countries who can walk freely, live alone, choose their clothes, study, and work without having their entire existence controlled by one man and a whole social system behind him. I don’t wish them harm. I wish them more good. But I can’t deny that I feel pain and envy when I see that the life that would be my biggest dream is something they are simply born into. I also think of my younger sisters. Their childhoods were not as physically violent as mine. My father softened with them compared to how he was with me. I am happy they were spared some of what I went through. At the same time, it breaks my heart that I was the one who absorbed most of the beating, the fear, and the early damage. I try my best not to repeat the cycle with them. I don’t want to become another harsh adult in their story. I want to be a safe person for them – someone who listens, who doesn’t say “you’re imagining it”, who doesn’t belittle their pain. I am sharing this because I want people outside our world – especially those in countries that talk about human rights, women’s rights, freedom, and dignity – to know that: • Not all Gulf women are “spoiled and rich”. • Some of us are prisoners in our own homes. • Some of us have fathers who use religion, culture, and “honor” as weapons to control and break us. • Some of us are surviving, but not living. I am not writing this to attack a religion or a culture. I am writing this to say: We exist. Our pain is real. I want systems, governments, activists, and ordinary people outside my country to understand that: • Emotional, physical, and psychological abuse in the family is not “discipline”. It’s violence. • Locking a young woman in the house and controlling every move she makes is not “protection”. It’s imprisonment. • Telling a child that her feelings are “exaggeration” or “imagination” is not parenting. It is gaslighting and emotional neglect. I don’t know what my future will look like. Right now, I am trying to survive, study, and build a small inner world where I still believe I deserve freedom, even if my reality denies it. If you are reading this from a safe home, in a country where a girl can walk out of her front door without fear of being beaten or disowned, please don’t take that for granted. There are girls like me who would give everything just to have what you consider “a normal life”. I hope that by sharing my story, even anonymously, I am not just “complaining”, but adding one more voice to the evidence that this kind of life is not acceptable, not “normal”, and not justified by any real sense of justice or compassion. We deserve better. I deserve better. — A young woman from the Gulf

I was with my ex and I had just started some new tablets that made me sleepy. I tell my ex that I’m going to sleep and he continues to play his video game. I wake in a daze around an hour later and he is raping me and enjoying it. I react by making noises out of fear and wait for him to finish up the act , I just froze in fear. Once it was over I was mad he never got consent but he told me that he thought I wanted it. It’s been nearly a year and I’m still not over it

I was assualted, sexual assualted by a man I trusted, who I looked up to. I was 21 at the time, modeling, doing shoots, stepping into the modeling industry. Little did I know how dark things would get. These women who would stand by these abusers. He groped me from behind and touched me sexually on a shoot. I froze, I couldn't say anything. Couldn't process what was happening. He drove me home, told me to play with myself and let him watch. I ignored his requested and he told me if his wife found out, she'd die from the stress (she was sick at the time) and it would be MY FAULT. I strongly believed this and held everything in for three months. I pushed everything to the back of my mind, denied it. Everywhere I looked I saw the make of his car, his name, thought he was following me. I eventually I had a breakdown, went to the guards. Who were absolutely useless and laughed at my five page statement. There was no evidence but my word against his. So he got models to read off scripts and tell the guards how I was in love with this man and "asked for it". Told everyone in the industry that I was "unstable" and how he feared for HIS life. As if I was the predator. The coward couldn't even come forward himself...turned everyone against me. Feeling so alone, I confided in my dance instructors who I really trusted. Only for them to be STILL working with this man to this day. I gave up fighting as no one around me believed me. Taking me 7 years to open up again about my trauma. Everyday it still effects me..seening his name everywhere on social media. People singing him praises, if only they knew... would they believe me?? Do I risk going through the trauma all over again??

i have autism and i had been raped in my old class by a old man that looked like Putin, his face looked familiar but i can't verify it because i had never went to the hospital for rape check expect other things, i was having urinary incontinence for months and after months when the female police came i told her that my weeks old baby fall down the toilet after taking the pill She didn't write her note. only when she write it when my abusive and manipulated father tell her that i had "paranoia" and bah bah bah with evil-looking voice. i had been verbally abused and mocked after telling my parents about the sexual abuse at my home and then after that i decided to silence myself to avoid being abused again. i just wanna share with you i thought i can't because i was afraid i will get killed and getting taken down, i hate being slienced. i hate the way that my government and social media didn't provide accessible help but i finally found this website that i can share it with you.

As I write this story to you, please note that this sexual harassment case is still in progress. It began in December of 2022 when I worked as a contractor for a company named Contractor. I do IT work for Company. The first week I was there, I was touched sexually by a coworker named Name. I froze and I didn't know what to do, Name positioned his hand onto my waist and began to slide his hand upward, fondling my breast and, It made me feel violated, it made me feel disgusted. I informed my recruiter Recruiter about what had happened that day. I typed him and email and of course he informed me that he believed me and that Contractor did not tolerate sexual harassment. They told me that they would "talk" with this co-worker. A few months went by but, Name was still making sexual comments to me, and now in September of this year, he began to blow me kisses and winked at me two times. I finally informed a female coworker privately about what was going on and she informed me that this male coworker has gotten away with sexual harassment many times now. I am the third person who has come to HR and has reported what has gone on. My female coworker informed me that she had been sexually abused since July 2022 and no action has still been taken. That is when I decided to take matters into my own hands, I decided to contact a sexual harassment attorney and has recently filed a case with EEOC for sexual harassment and discrimination. When I go to work now, I instantly feel nauseous and full of anxiety. I have decided to contact a psychologists to help me cope with the high anxiety and not being able to sleep at night. You might be asking yourself, "Why didn't you just leave?" well, because It was a job and I have bills to pay. I asked myself the same question many times. Luckily my contract will be with Contractor in December of 2023. It was not myself, who went to HR the second time. It was my female coworker who sent an email with me and she had a conversation about what was going on between Name and I in the workplace. That Name was still sexually harassing me, blowing kisses at me and winking at me, along with other sexual comments. There was one time I was in my cubicle and I was organizing it before going home and Name came up to me and asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was organizing my cubicle, I didn't want seem like a slob and he replied with "Yes but, you would be a cute slob." He would intentionally come over to my cubicle and place each of his hands on each side of the cubical and ask me what I was doing. He would intentionally make me feel uncomfortable and afraid. Luckily I have had enough sick leave saved up, so I have taken sick leave for myself periodically. Once my female coworker reached out to the HR department of both Company, both HR departments tried to call me and email me multiple times. I refused to answer them because I knew in the back of my mind, they weren't on my side. They didn't believe my story about Name the first time so, what would make them believe me the second time? On October 2, 2023, Person of Companycalled me and asked me "Well, what do you think we should do about Name?" and I said out of pure honesty. "Fire him, he needs to be held accountable." and Person laughed at me on the phone, and he said to me "Okay, well. We will talk to Name." and I knew right then and there, they didn't believe me. What they didn't know, is that I had already typed up everything for documentation and was one step ahead of HR because I knew, they weren't going to take me seriously once again so, that is when I took action to contact a sexual harassment attorney. Ever since I have taken this action, HR of both Contractor and, Company have been trying to email me and call me to try and negociant. They didn't believe me two times now, and they laughed at me when I was telling them what should be done about Name. This experience for me, has been frightening and very emotional. I have cried a lot, I haven't slept and for almost a year I have not told my family about the ongoing sexual harassment. I have reminded myself that I am strong and that I will get through this, and that there are resources out there to help me. To this current day, I am still waiting to hear back from the EECO, and hopefully hold Contractor accountable for Name and what he has done to multiple women. I am sharing this story because I need other victims out there to know, YOU! have a voice and you ARE! capable of taking back your self dignity. I took this situation into my own hands because I know, that I am not helpless and that I am able to speak up and not tolerate sexual harassment in the workplace. You deserve respect, you deserve to take back your dignity and you deserve to be heard. Stand up, for what is right and what you believe in. I didn't want to take action but I am thankful that I gathered up enough courage to reach out and take back my self respect for myself and to prove to these two companies that I am NOT! a "play toy" I am a young woman who deserves to be treated with respect. I am not sure if I have touched anyone emotionally by revealing my true story to you. Sexual harassment in the workplace can feel very intimidating and that you feel you won't be believed but sometimes, you need to step up and take action for yourself, and to speak out and share your story so that others don't fall victim to sexual harassment in the workplace like I did and my female coworker. You have a voice and there are resources and that is what men forget. Ladies, we more capable and powerful than what men take us for and it is time we take back our self-respect. Thank you, for taking the time to read my story. A Survivor Of Sexual Harassment In The Workplace - Survivor

i was sexually assaulted in my house, but i don't remember how old i was or his face. it makes me feel it's not valid, but i know it happened. i was sexually abused by a teacher in pre-k, a man who i didn't know the name of. he molested me more than one occasion. he followed me to the bathroom and raped me. i tried to fight back, but a four year old doesn't have that much strength. i was sexually assaulted multiple times at gymnastic camp. she would touch me knowing it made me uncomfortable. i would try to avoid her, but it never worked. these made me feel weak, and still does at times, but i know im strong. and i know it's ok to feel the way i feel. feeling are valid and you are strong.

Hello beautiful souls. I appreciate being able to release the past even more with some of my story. I now see the unhealthy pattern I was living but didn’t understand it at the time. I had been married & divorced at 26, then married & widowed at 29. My first husband was my high school sweetheart who came from a lot of dysfunction & had anger issues. My second husband had been in the Marines for 6 years & came back with PTSD & had a drinking problem. He had gotten married & divorced before we got together. During our marriage I saw his problems with alcohol in a big way. He got physically abusive one evening & I left shortly after. He attempted suicide with over 100 pills & was in a coma for three months before dying. A year later I accepted a job offer & moved from California to Miami. I was 30 & found a wonderful new life & great friends. Five years later I met a professional guy who seemed so wonderful. We married 6 months later & had two daughters within 3 years. I wanted to go back to California where all my family was. He didn’t support that & things went down hill for the next year. He had started drinking a lot. I told him I wanted to separate. One night he came to our bedroom drunk & said he wanted one last “good one” if it was over. He held his fist over my face. The girls were across the hall asleep. I never argued in front of them & didn’t want them to wake up scared if he got crazy so I just gave in. He tried again later that night but finally left when I threatened to contact his father about what he’d done. I had angels all along though. I divorced him & had a wonderful intuitive judge who gave me full custody after a difficult divorce including court ordered counseling. So it’s no wonder I suppose that I haven’t been big on relationships but I do see that I had lots of lessons to learn in this life. Now I’m a Reiki practitioner & have found my purpose & so much healing. I love healing others now & I’m grateful for all the lessons I needed to find my power & my authentic self. I think I’d call it clarity💗

I'm calling this experience lonely in a family When I was about 7 my mom met a boyfriend while my dad was gone working. We never heard about God or the Bible just about anything was change with every situation. Her boyfriend drank and did drugs and beat all of us up too. When I was about 10 I got woke up with him trying to have sex with me. He was a big man I couldn't make him stop. It continued until I left home at 18. He always did it while I was sleeping except for the last time he knocked me around and made me do things I didn't want to do. I didn't want him in jail though. I got married to a 47 year old man when I was 18. Came to find out he was a sex offender and a narcissist who was forcing me to give him sex which I had no sex drive because of my illness. We had 2 children 6 months after my youngest was born cps said they had to take them because of a complaint. That destroyed me. My children ended up being raised by my mother who adopted them. During the marriage, I used drugs to get rid of my pain emotional pain. I never felt love not once. I did finally get off drugs 30 years now. My husband and I are great friends but I never loved him it was what we had that put me there. I was 18 with nowhere to go. We divorced in 2001.

The day seemed insignificant, much like evry other work day. I went from my work back to my apartment to make lunch at usual time. The year prior I was hospitalized for psychosis following my boyfriend breaking into my apartment and sexually assaulting me--he stopped when I awoke screaming loudly. I had fears people were following me in the weeks following. Most prominent were the sounds of my childhood sexual assaults. The bathwater flowing before my father bathed me for his commission of incest, all those sounds my protests, screaming, my mother asserting my father's right to harm, my brothers insults, my brother's request for me to participate in sexual abuse of a cousin with our other cousin, the voices of my parents and the men I was sold to have sex and be a household worker to in childhood, in general not great things. So many times I was told up to, through, and during that time, press the feelings down, no one has interest in you. It's far from the truth, there is a man I've never personally met who views me as his property. He followed me on the street waiting outside my apartment for me to go back home. Over blocks he followed, he took pictures, he took video, and most notably know all the steps I would as he followed. He then assaulted me once in my office building he put his hands up my skirt over my tights, touching while recording. People saw, it was on surveillance, a security guard is on video attentively watching the assault, no intervention. In the years that followed I suffered at the hands of the criminal justice system that worked to dismiss the violence and uplift the offender. At the plea agreement hearing he took no accountability for his actions. He now violates the protection order because to ensure my safety they will not tell him where to be or not be. I write this because I have been sexually assaulted too many times to count, only one of those sexual assaults was prosecuted. The prosecutor, victim advocate, judge, defense attorney, and parole officer, all tell me I need to be more considerate of the offender give him the freedom to interact with me, including asking me to drop the charges, consider how his childhood makes me a good victim for him, or be okay with his protection order violations. Don't be discouraged because you aren't listened to, accept as part of the criminal process you are not human, they will treat you as a commodity, necessary of abuse. The criminal justice system including victim advocates are not there for the victim support or justice. You as the victim must be dehumanized for the process, specific to sexual assualt. If criminal justice system does not prosecute the person who sexually assaulted you, remember that is the intent of the system. It's not about justice, it's about how to effectively integrate the offender back in to the community as soon as possible. Very few sex offenders are prosecuted. When sex offenders are prosecuted, few sex offenders face incarceration. Very few sex offenders are civilly committed. Sex offenders when prosecuted are often released to the community, general low income housing with supplemental income and government funded support. It is cheaper this way for the government is sexual assault is looked on as a civil issue that courts unfortunately get invovled in. Not one of my sex offenders including from childhood has ever, will ever face incarceration for the crimes against me. Out of almost a dozen offenders only one has faced prosecution. Know your healing and how you choose to move forward is on you. Some may be there to support you outside the system but you will not feel or ever see justice as you may need it. You offender likely won't be changed by prosecution either.

AN OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN...IT WAS NOT Month, Year I was on Holiday with a group of friends in Country. It was our last night on Holiday as we were due to fly home to Ireland the next day. We got dressed up and went out for some drinks to a bar.We got a nice table and we were enjoying the atmosphere and chatting There was a group of men not far from us enjoying the night out having some beers. There were a mixed group some were middle aged and 2 of the men looked young. I noticed 1 of the men staring at our table as he was drinking his beer. He was tall and muscular in build and had light brown hair with a hint of blonde in it. I was listening to my friend as she was talking into my ear. This particular man kept staring but I was not quite sure what he was staring at. I smiled towards him as that was my natural demeanor to be friendly. He did no smile back but he kept staring and raised his eyebrow. I did not take any further notice. I went to the Ladies toilets and when I returned the Man with light brown to blonde hair was now sitting on the seat I had been sitting on. The other Men all joined him at our table. They introduced themselves and said they all were working at Sea and were from Country. My friend was trying to talk to the Man who was had been doing all the staring but he just ignored her. She left to get a drink. He then turned his attention towards me and began talking to me. We were talking for awhile and then out of nowhere he Kissed me. I was surprised by the Kiss. It was just a quick peck on my lips. He then put his hands on my waist and complimented me. I said nothing as I was unsure of him. I asked him to dance with me as Bob Marley was playing and I loved Bob Marley's songs. He danced close to me and kept his hands on both my hips. We both went back and sat down I said I then wanted to go out side for some fresh air alone. He followed me outside. One of the other Men came too and called to him but he told him to give him a minute. I stood with my back against the wall of the bar outside. He had his left arm against it resting it there. I looked up at him as he was much taller than me. I was a little nervous afraid he might hurt me. He saw that uncertainty in my eyes. He told me he was not going to hurt me. He then lifted me up. He was so strong. He then kissed me more passionately. He put me down and asked me to have 1 drink with him. I agreed as I did begin to like his company. We had a drink together. He asked for my email. I wrote it down for him. We got a taxi along with the other Men and he left me safely back at the Hotel. He had to report back for duty. He emailed me the next day to take me out for dinner but I declined as I had to fly home to Ireland. We would email for the next 8 Months. I did not know what lay ahead of me and the deception that would occur. I decided to give him a chance as he seemed very keen. I was also very young and Naive at aged 26. He was also aged 36 and 10 years older. I have him a chance anyway. Month, Year This Man and myself were in constant communication when he was free to email me and we built an emotional bond.I was sad I could not see him due to deployment at sea. I tried my best to understand. This was a new world to me. I kept working as a Nurse and living my life. I looked forward to his emails which became more personal and intimate. He eventually said he wanted to meet me in Dublin in Month, Year to go on a Date together but then things changed with work for him. He apologised and told me how gutted he was. I off course believed him as I was only getting to know him. He then told me we would meet up the next time he had shore leave which was then Month, Year. He asked me to fly to Country. I agreed and he asked me to books Hotel which I did. I flew the beginning of Month, Year. I had mixed emotions. I had not seen him since Country in person but had still built up repoire with him. I met him that evening in Town in Country. We had food together and shared a bottle of wine. We talked a lot and he told me he got promoted to OFFICER. I congratulated him. I excused myself to use the Ladies. I came back and sat beside home. He suddenly grabbed the back of my head and kissed me deeply. He then said we should go upstairs. I followed but also knew things were going to get intimate but did not realise the way things would go. We went into the lift and he said nothing only stared at me. We watched Television for a little while. I could feel the energy off him and it made me nervous. I got up from the bed we were lying on together watching Television. He got up too and towered over me. He then pushed me onto the bed and began Kissing me furiously. He took my lower half clothing from my body. I was unsure and not really ready for sex between us as he scared me he was so strong but also very handsome. He whispered into my right ear exactly what he wanted to do to me.He kissed my top area and lightly touched me down in my private area. I asked him had he got a condom. He put the condom on and then he penetrated me but I found my voice then as his intense demeanor was scaring me. He was very riled up. I said NO and turned my head away from him. He said nothing only took the Condom off and looked at all of me intensely. He then pushed my left leg to the sideand proceeded to put himself into me using his hand to support and kept pushing his private region up against my private region. I disassociated after that as I knew I lost the battle with him. He eventually fell asleep snoring. I felt strange and sore. I fell asleep eventually with his arm around me. I felt trapped. I woke up the next morning and found my arm stuck to his stomach.He spoke to me and complained about his mouth been dry. I was going to get him some water. The next thing he grabbed my right side near my tummy and flipped me onto my back. He mounted me and wanted to penetrate me again as deep as he could. He was determined. I was sore and lifted my legs up resistance. I suggested the shower as I wanted to distract him from hurting me. He agreed but said nothing and took me by the wrist behind him into the shower. He took me into his arms and held me so tightly I was clinging to him holding on to his shoulders. He kissed me so deeply and hard. He let me go. I stood in the shower shaking. He waited for me to get dressed and then started teasing me as I cut myself shaving my legs in the shower. He said he would carry me to the hospital. We had breakfast together and he took me to a Attraction. He held my hand in the way to the Attractionbut no conversation. I felt strange and very sore. I wanted to not acknowledge what had happened between us. I felt I done something wrong and I caused it. When we went back to the Hotel. He looked and me an blurted out in what seemed like a shameful tone that He was married. I went OH MY GOD as I had no idea. He had lied to me and deceived into thinking he was my Boyfriend which off course he was not. I asked him why he invited me to Country and he could not respond. He then said he also had a little child. I stupidly asked as I was shocked and confused if the child was a boy or a girl. He snapped at me and said does it matter. I said I was sorry. I only asked. He then said a little boy. I said that was nice and walked away from him. He followed me across the room and then said He was the BASTARD there. I told him yes he was. After all that he asked me for a Kiss and a cuddle as and said I was an Amazing and Special girl. I turned my head away from him but he leaned in and kissed me on my right cheek. He got his bag and then went to leave but stared at me the whole way to the door. I walked up to him and told him I would meet someone better than him. He looked straight into my eyes. Then he walked away looking back at me. He was 1 Hell of a bad person. I had a luck escape. I spent years denying what he had really done to me. I went home from Country. I was very sore for days. I became very depressed. I got on with my life and Married a wonderful Nationality Man and had a Beautiful daughter. What the Nationality Officer done to me will haunt me forever. I finally acknowledged 16 years later that he did in fact Rape me. I wanted to protect him and not blame him. That it had been my fault for allowing him to do things to me and not communicate enough with him. It takes 2 People to communicate in any relationship. Nobody has the right to violate or coerce anyone else. I now know he had alot of coercive control over me. I will not let it define me but it never truly goes away. I have to live with it and so will he. I do now believe he knew what he done. I emailed him after to confront him. He never replied as too ashamed. I was a stark reminder of his shame.

I married someone who was safer than my home life, but not safe overall. It wasn’t until some maturing kicked in until I realize I was with another abuser. I married a habitual boundary crosser, then I had a baby with my rapist, then I stayed after rape 2, then I stayed after bruise 1. These are all the same person. I wish I made myself safe before seeking safety in someone else. I wish I waited for my brain to set at 25-ish. I wish I didn’t let him convince me that rape 1 was a misunderstanding. I wish I wasn’t financially trapped. I wish the world payed woman to raise their own children versus paying women a different job to pay someone else to do so. I wish men would take the time to get to know and love women, the way we deserve to be loved, instead they trick, abuse, and mock us. I wish I could put in jail, but I cannot be responsible for putting my sons father in jail. He doesn’t deserve to be that kid because I was too ignorant. But most of all, I wish he was the person he convinced me he was, because I’d be happy, my cup would be filled, I wouldn’t be drained, I would be content, I wouldn’t be in survival mode, we’d get to stay a family. As for now, all I have is playing house until my exist plan is ready. Thank you for reading.

It was 21 years ago and I have never told anyone. I lived with my first roommate, who I knew had some questionable friends. Nevertheless, I trusted her and our new, cute, little home. Until one night she had friends over. I didn't drink and wasn't into hard drugs. We had food, everyone else was drinking and having a good time. I don't remember anything after that, until I woke up in the middle of the night with a man, one of her 'friends', on top of me. He was inside of me as I laid on the middle of the floor. I could not move, I could not speak. It wasn't a flight, fight or freeze, I had been drugged and could not move a single part of my body. I couldn't even move my arms to push him away. And when my roommates MOTHER walked into our new home, into the dark room, in the middle of the night, she saw what was happening. All I could do was open my eyes wide with fear, but she turned around and walked out without a word and left him to finish what he started. He laughed when she walked away. By the time I had any control of my body, he was gone, I was alone and naked on the living room floor of my first place, where every person stepped over me as they filed out in the morning. It was the morning joke...what and who did she do. No one asked if I was ok that morning. No one ever did. It has been 21 years and I still don't know the name of the man who raped me that night, but I will always remember his face.

Freedom is Glorious I've been working alone the past two days, and instead of taking out the scissors and cutting my hair, I took out an old CD of pictures and remembered how far I have come in this journey. I found pictures of the animals I left behind so very long ago ~ his pets who were like children to me ~ I teared up at their precious faces and remembered how much I love and miss them every day. Then I found some pictures of me taken in my old rental office on campus the night before my 41st birthday. And I was amazed at how clear and blue and full of life my eyes were in each picture.  The weight had been lifted from my shoulders.  I stood tall and proud.  The color was back in my face, and my face was fuller because I had finally started to regain the weight I had lost when my food intake was so limited on the weekends. My eyes sparkled in those pictures.  I could not stop staring at myself.  The pictures were proof that I was free.  That I was me again.  I looked at the CD and reached for a snack.  And I thought about how I can eat whatever I want now.  There is no watchful eye mentally counting my calories ~ keeping the cupboard bare.  I am no longer charged $20 to eat a home-cooked meal.  I am no longer ridiculed for not cooking that home-cooked meal myself. I can do what I want, say what I want, feel what I want, wear what I want.  I am not some dress-up doll used to cloak in leather to be propped up on the back of a motorcycle for the whole valley to see ~ no I am middle-aged now, often without make-up, and finally comfortable in my own body not to care if I am not perfect. Because perfect was never good enough anyway. I can speak again.  I have a voice.  I can have an opinion on anything I want.  I see my family again on all holidays.  I do not have to lie about where I am living.  Where I am going.  What I am doing. There is no shame anymore.  No more secrets.  Even the writing I am doing has eliminated the secrets from the people I care about the most. I think about all of these changes as I ponder what it is like for him to be sitting in jail right now.  To have his freedom finally taken away from him.  To be told what to do, when to do it.  And to be isolated from family and friends. It took the news of his jail sentence to wake me up to what I had blocked out for so long.  To bring those horrible memories back up to the surface in dreams, flashbacks, and fleeting moments of sadness.  To finally realize that I had to write down my truth, or they would never go away.  He would still be controlling me in my head through those nightmares, those flashbacks.  He would still be present in my life if I did not get rid of him by writing down all the ugliness of our time together and sharing it with the world. He never wanted me to be a writer.  He made fun of my dream every day.  And it hit me today that the irony of my life story is that one of the biggest stories of my life will now be about him.  And maybe there will come the book or the screenplay out of all of this ugliness that I have shared with the world.  Because if you can skim off the scum, if you can sand down the rust, beneath the surface of all that pain and sadness is the beauty that was once there ~ that was once my life ~ that was once me. Beneath the surface lies the freedom that never really left my side.  Freedom was waiting in the distance for me all along.  Freedom was God taking care of me through the whole ordeal and seeing me through to the other side.  Where life is precious and pure and sweet. Freedom led me to a new life where I can now help others as they had once helped me. Freedom came with its own price ~ the scars beneath the surface that may have scabbed over ~ in order for me to survive. But those scars are my battle wounds for my freedom.  I paid the price for a new life.  I earned my freedom.  I survived.

This happened back in 2023. I had met this guy through my sister because she had told me that he had seen my picture and had asked about me and wanted to talk to me. At the time I was living out of state, so we were talking and we got together a couple days later. During the time that I was living out of state I had to be on the phone with him 24/7 if he was home and I wasn't at work which should've been the first red flag, but the second red flag should've been when he didn't let me go out drinking with my parents on my 21st birthday and told me I had to be on video chat with him during my birthday party. A couple weeks after my birthday I moved back to my home state to be with him and things were going fine at first. But then things started progressively getting worse, the first job I got when I got back he also got a job there because he didn't trust me being alone. I couldn't go to my therapy appointments alone, I couldn't go to the store alone, I wasn't allowed to have friends but yet he was allowed to talk to other girls, I wasn't allowed to go to work alone when I got a new job even though it was an hour away from where we were living. It eventually got to the point where he had introduced me to a few of his friends over video chat and one night he had gotten drunk and accused me of cheating on him with one of his friends when I was in the other room making a Tik Tok video, we got in a fight and when I was trying to leave he grabbed ahold of my bag and shoved me into the bathtub. As I was trying to leave after that he took my phone and wouldn't give it back to me, he tried breaking it and was doing everything in his power to keep me from leaving the house. When I finally was able to leave and just go for a drive he was blowing my phone up trying to call me and when I went back to the house and decided to sleep on the couch until his mom got back from work he knew I was talking to a friend and he told me to choose between him and the friend. When I went into the bedroom to sleep for the night because I had given up with the fighting he took my phone while I was asleep and blocked that friend which I didn't realize until I left him 2 days later but the following day acted like nothing was wrong except wouldn't offer to buy me anything at the mall even though I was the one that drove us there and paid for gas to get there. When I finally got the courage to leave him it was because I had to go to work one day and as always he forced his way along. When we got to my work I was told that I wasn't needed that day which meant I was able to go home, the only issue with that was that I didn't have enough gas in my car to get home and not enough money to put gas in the car. So I called my mom and stepdad who live in another state and asked for help but told them what was happening and decided that day that I was done with everything. My mom told me that she would only help me if I left him which with the help of her I was able to. After I dropped him off I made my way to a safe location in town and locked my car waiting to be able to go get my stuff, while I was waiting he walked from his house to where I was parked and tried to get me to talk to him. After I finally left for good he was blowing my phone up calling and texting asking if I was seriously leaving.

Before moving to California, I had lived in Pakistan. This story is from 2008. My mother had convinced me to marry a man who was well-settled despite I wanting to marry someone else that I had liked at university. The man I married had a very kind demeanor and was respectful. I told him the situation but he told me that I would fall in love with him if I gave the relationship time. I agreed on the condition that he would sleep in a separate room and there won't be any intimacy while I choose whether to accept him or divorce him. He gradually tried to charm me. At first, by requesting to kiss my feet, then by massaging my legs and shoulders. One day, as usual, he asked to kiss my feet while I was watching tv. I caught him looking up my nightie from down there. I got annoyed. He apologized but then asked to massage my shoulders. I agreed. While massaging shoulders, he raised my arms and licked my armpits. I got really upset. pushed him away and ran to he toilet. When I came out, he grabbed me, pushed me into the bedroom, forced me onto the bed, tied my wrists together and attached the rope to a chair near the bed. I begged for him to stop and resisted with all my strength, but he penetrated. I started crying. He apologized, asked for forgiveness but there could be no forgiveness there. My aunt (in police) arrested him. I asked for maximum possible punishment for him. He was given 10.5 years of rigorous imprisonment, 200 lashes with the whip, and paid a large monetary fine to me as well. I personally participated in whipping him. I later forgave him and his sentence was commuted to whipping. We eventually divorced but I felt satisfied that justice was done in this case and I finally married my university flame.

Hi, i was recommended this site by my therapist...so here we go. okay. it all started when i was 9, My grandparents had moved into NC and stuff etc etc- My grandfather and I were always close. We would do stuff together like lunch, shopping, get candy all that jazz. from years 9-12 I had not realized it, but he was grooming me. He would always tell me things like how special i was to him and how he would buy me things he wouldn't buy my brother or my cousins. It would always happen whenever i would spend the night at my grandparents house. Now my mother had really awful breast cancer at the time, so my dad had to stay by her side and support her in the hospital from time to time and since my brother was too young to babysit me (hes 4 years older by the way) I had to spend the night there. I also suffered from horrid night terrors that kept me awake at night and made me deathly afraid of being alone or in the dark. Sooo, i would share the bed with both my grandparents. You can probably tell where this is going, It was always in bed too. He would touch me around my stomach, chest, more details parts that i wont mention, my pants area etc... I never thought too much of it, Always reassuring myself that it wasnt anything malevolent...no matter how weird or unusual it was. It eventually stopped around when i was 12, when my mom finished chemotherapy and beat her cancer. i was staying at their place less and less. But he would often throw provocative comments my way about my body, such as my chest, my butt- you get it. the comments stopped at 14 when i stood up for myself. he asked me, "Oh dont tell me you dont like play with yourself of please yourself. everyone does it, i just wanna know if you do it." I told him it was gross to ask that, and he scoffed- but he stopped. not too long later that year i was thinking about everything while sitting in my room. Then it hit me. Everything he did, everything he said, was because he was grooming me. I had thrown up that evening, as if my stomach got clubbed by a sledgehammer. It had been maybe 2 or so years since ive come out about what happened. No justice has been served yet, if any at all. My grandparents blame me and my parents for tearing our family apart. I often blame myself too. But I hope and pray to any god out there that he gets exactly what he deserves, in this life or the next.

I was raped several times in college by my then-boyfriend. I was incredibly in love with him, and it was my first relationship. I remember thinking maybe what was happening was "normal" because I had never dated before and didn't know any better. It caused me to spiral deep into alcohol use and I ended up being hospitalized several times as a result. He would always get angry at me for bringing up that I wanted to report him or seek help, and kept telling me if I sought help, he'd be raped in prison and we'd never have a future together. He would also threaten to kill himself when I wanted to call the police. That was 9 years ago and it still hurts every day. He tried to make me believe I was a monster and that I was the one who abused him. I wish I knew what he thought today. If he still refuses to acknowledge what he did and still is able to convince himself I was the monster. It hurts a lot, and even now sometimes I still think of our good times together. I worry I won't ever find a love like the "good love" we had together again. I miss the sweet moments with him. He was the person I "lost" my virginity too and it hurts so bad knowing I'll never get that back. It was supposed to be special for me. I don't hate him. But I hate what he did, and I hate that he didn't take accountability. I think maybe he was scared. But I was scared too, and I still tried to protect him. It hurts a lot. I think about it nearly every day nearly a decade later and still struggle because of it. I often wish I were "normal" and wonder about the life I could have had if I had never met him.