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I was a victim of child sexual abuse when I was 7 years old and my cousin's stepbrother was 9 or 10. He abused me for two years. I told my mother what happened, and his parents punished him. Most of my family didn't believe me. In a conversation with my mother, she told me I had probably made up the whole abuse and that I was a liar, and I cried a lot that day. My grandmother is proud of him because he's a doctor in Germany and has a good life, while I'm trapped. I can't stand being touched and I can't get over it, even though I've been to therapy. Yesterday I saw his Instagram and felt bad because he moved on and I didn't. He told me it was a secret and I trusted him (the three of us were alone because my uncle and his wife -who is the mother of my abuser- are doctors so they were always in the hospital). They would leave the food ready for us and he (A) would put it in the microwave. A pulled my pants down a little or lift my skirt (if i was wearing one). When A was on top of me he was kissing me- it was overwhelming and i couldn't focus on anything else but his breath and voice, he was grabbing his crotch, but I didn't understand what he was doing. We were playing normal with his little sister and then A exclude her from the game to be alone with me so A put her in front of the television so she wouldn't focus on us and was distracted. Then A guided me to the room, he close the door to the room he shared with his sister (my cousin's bed was near the door and his wasn't), so he would make me lie down on the floor next to his bed so no one could see us. At first, I would get on top of him, but then he said I was too heavy to be in that position (I guess it wasn't comfortable for him to abuse me). That led to an eating disorder that I still have; I even developed anemia last year. I remember once I ran to the bathroom because something didn't feel right, but he started banging on the door but then I realized there was nothing I could do, I mean where would I go? My uncles locked us out. I remember once, A didn't close the door properly because his sister came in, and he straightened his clothes and pushed me under his bed, but his sister saw me and asked me what I was doing there, and I stayed there for a long time. And her sister got under the bed to keep me company; she was saying something to me, but I couldn't hear her, or maybe I wasn't paying attention. I think I'm broken, because his kisses and his voice in my ear were too much, and I never noticed if he ejaculated or if something else happened that I overlooked or never noticed because I never went to a doctor, my mom never reported him. And we couldn't count on my dad because he abandoned us and went off with the neighbor and treated her daughter as his own while the abuse was happening. That's why I lived in their house during that time; that's why the abuse continued because I was in the provinces and my mother traveled to the capital because of a false accusation my father made against her. A year later, my mother's half-brother baptized me with my abuser's mother, and I never said anything. I just smiled in the photos as if nothing was wrong while I hugged A. Now I´m 22 and I still feel sick and dirty.

When I was younger I had this friend, we’ll call her friend. She wasn’t always kind to me, in fact she was often rude to me. She was way more mature than me even though she was younger, and that included being sexually more educated than I was. We were 7 or 8 at this point I think, and at her house she had a hot tub that her mom would let us go in sometimes. I can’t remember if this happened during the same play date, but she tried to show me videos of wlw sexual activities. This included scissoring, etc. and she seemed very obsessed with it. I was weirded out and uninterested and left the room, but it was weird. Anyways, one time we were in the hot tub, she repeatedly tried to convince me to get out of the hot tub and try scissoring or whatever. I really didn’t want to and felt weird, but she eventually coerced me to. I remember feeling really uncomfortable and like it was just wrong. I feel like something else happened, either penetration or something oral, but my memory betrays me. I had another very sexually oriented friend at a young age who dared me to “pull my pants down and have sx with the wall” when I was around 7, in addition to her telling me lots of made up sex stories, to which again I was very disturbed. I think these repeated encounters as a child is part of what has led me to be a mostly sex repulsed asexual person, and I struggle deeply with my boundaries when it comes to physical touch. I recently had an experience where me and a friend were both drunk and she sort of pushed my boundaries after I said no over and over (I put this story in the q+a section.) I didn’t realize the childhood stories until recently and it’s been a bit over a decade. How can I feel safe and comfortable in my own body again and process this, as well as getting better at boundaries?

I learned from my partner that she was gang-raped. Rn we live in different cities. We had a stupid argument on the phone, after which she shared with me about what she's been through via text and she went silent completely. As soon as I read that she's been. My world shattered, I texted her that I have to cool off and I'll be back. It took me an hour to cool down and answer with words of support and love. I didn't ask any questions. I just said she can reach out whenever she's ready. I don't know who to talk to. I was so fkng furious, I felt so much pain and sadness. I couldn't sleep for 24 hrs and just got a 2-hour sleep at least. I feel broken and scared not knowing how can I be strong enough to support her and not fail myself. I want to make those men pay. I have never felt such rage in my life. I just don't know what to do now. I can't really talk to anyone about it. I try to focus on other things, but my mind just can't focus on anything. I keep thinking about it. And I wonder how she feels rn, I wanna support her and talk to her, but I don't want to push her. I hope she will reach out to me soon. I'm so afraid what's gonna happen next, I don't want her to see me so weak and broken and wonder for how long Id be able to look strong and not break. I don't wanna fail her. I love her so much. I never thought Id feel so much pain and anger. I know I shouldn't push her or ask her questions, but I wanna know the names of those pieces of shit. I hope she gains courage to stand up and fight some day, bcz I can't imagine living and knowing those monsters are still out there. I hate life so much rn and I was always the most positive person. I wish I could erase our memories, I can't imagine what she's been through. I love her so much, and I just hope I can be strong and we can push through this together.

This is my story. When I was younger than 5, I was raped. My memory blocked out the person who did it. So I don’t remember who did it. It makes me so angry, I don’t remember any of my childhood except for the sexual abuse parts. I remember at four years old, I only wanted to be involved with things if it regarded something sexual. There was never a time in my life where I’ve felt innocent. At the ripe age of four I knew all about kinks, positions, different kinds of sex, and looking back, the signs were screaming at everyone around me. I was very sexual, and I was very violent. The only things I wanted to watch was porn or gore. I was 5. I was scared of the bathroom, and I had accidents at school every day because I was scared of restrooms. Sometimes I’d cry when I’d have to go in there. Then, at 5 also, I had internet access. That’s when I had found out that the rape I endured was “normal” (it wasn't) because of the pornos I watched. It exposed me to way more things than the rape I experienced. And obviously, the rape that happened made me an angry child. So I took that anger and acted violent. I remember the only time I would play with my toys, like any child should, was if I was pretending they were having sex, being raped, or simply breaking the toys. Over my life, I have felt pissed. Pissed at the world, pissed at my family, why couldn’t anyone see this? Why did this happen? There has never been a time in my life where I was innocent. I feel filthy. I feel disgusting, I don’t feel like a girl, I feel like a wasted potential of a human. I know it wasn’t my fault. And nobody can sit in their pity forever. I have therapy now, I have been to mental health facilities, and I have gotten so much help from family and friends. The feeling of being rotten can’t go away. But I think I speak for every rape victim when I say, it sure is validating knowing that it’s not your fault. And the way I’m handling this such life changing situation, is just how any human would. You are not alone, and there is a huge difference between feeling filthy and being filthy. And I and many other survivors, are not filthy. Because of the abuse I endured, I’m scared of love. Many times, I don’t think love exists. I’m scared of sex, I’m scared of marriage, and I hate to say it, but sometimes I’m scared of guys. I’ve lost hope in true romance. The only time someone wanted me “romantically” was when I was 4. That’s a kind of lost hope, that I don’t know how to over come from. I feel like a baby, sometimes I get triggered by sex scenes, by beauty standards even. I feel like such a Debbie downer. Anything with lust, I get triggered. And I feel horrible for it. I want to joke around, I want to have fun, but that kind of topic is something I can never erase from my memory. Thank you for reading my story, you are not alone. And you are not filthy, or a burden. Be gentle with yourself, and give yourself time to recover.

I could never remember my childhood well, even as a kid. But I started to be hypersexual at 3, and so thats when I believe me and my brother started touching (hes 3 and a half years older). When I was 12 I remembered and told my parents, my mom freaked out and screamed at me. She said it was my fault and that it wasn't too bad if I didn't tell anyone. I fear thats she's right. When I was 14 and in deep psychosis, I felt like there was more to remember. I started to feel my brother's hands over my body and mouth. I remembered us having sex 3 times. The first time when I was 6 and the last when I was 8. One of those times he was hitting me and pinning me. I dont know how real those memories are because I recovered them in psychosis. I started doing really bad cus all I could think about was me and my brother fucking. A couple of months ago I remembered my brother fucking me with his hands around my neck (which was painful). Im so scared that really happened because I see my brother daily and hes my best friend. Im worried ill remember more.