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I was a victim of child sexual abuse when I was 7 years old and my cousin's stepbrother was 9 or 10. He abused me for two years. I told my mother what happened, and his parents punished him. Most of my family didn't believe me. In a conversation with my mother, she told me I had probably made up the whole abuse and that I was a liar, and I cried a lot that day. My grandmother is proud of him because he's a doctor in Germany and has a good life, while I'm trapped. I can't stand being touched and I can't get over it, even though I've been to therapy. Yesterday I saw his Instagram and felt bad because he moved on and I didn't. He told me it was a secret and I trusted him (the three of us were alone because my uncle and his wife -who is the mother of my abuser- are doctors so they were always in the hospital). They would leave the food ready for us and he (A) would put it in the microwave. A pulled my pants down a little or lift my skirt (if i was wearing one). When A was on top of me he was kissing me- it was overwhelming and i couldn't focus on anything else but his breath and voice, he was grabbing his crotch, but I didn't understand what he was doing. We were playing normal with his little sister and then A exclude her from the game to be alone with me so A put her in front of the television so she wouldn't focus on us and was distracted. Then A guided me to the room, he close the door to the room he shared with his sister (my cousin's bed was near the door and his wasn't), so he would make me lie down on the floor next to his bed so no one could see us. At first, I would get on top of him, but then he said I was too heavy to be in that position (I guess it wasn't comfortable for him to abuse me). That led to an eating disorder that I still have; I even developed anemia last year. I remember once I ran to the bathroom because something didn't feel right, but he started banging on the door but then I realized there was nothing I could do, I mean where would I go? My uncles locked us out. I remember once, A didn't close the door properly because his sister came in, and he straightened his clothes and pushed me under his bed, but his sister saw me and asked me what I was doing there, and I stayed there for a long time. And her sister got under the bed to keep me company; she was saying something to me, but I couldn't hear her, or maybe I wasn't paying attention. I think I'm broken, because his kisses and his voice in my ear were too much, and I never noticed if he ejaculated or if something else happened that I overlooked or never noticed because I never went to a doctor, my mom never reported him. And we couldn't count on my dad because he abandoned us and went off with the neighbor and treated her daughter as his own while the abuse was happening. That's why I lived in their house during that time; that's why the abuse continued because I was in the provinces and my mother traveled to the capital because of a false accusation my father made against her. A year later, my mother's half-brother baptized me with my abuser's mother, and I never said anything. I just smiled in the photos as if nothing was wrong while I hugged A. Now I´m 22 and I still feel sick and dirty.

It was night when I was with my peer specialist in his car. He asked me to have sex. I told him that I had this deal with a friend who became my fake ex. The deal was to have sex with my fake ex before him or anyone else. I communicated that I only wanted to like grind, genital against genital. But suddenly, this supposed peer specialist penetrated me. It took me more than once to say "NO" or "STOP". I felt how painful it was. This was the aspect that told my gut to call Planned Parenthood a few days later. That's when I came to the realization of wtf happened to me...

Last year I was gang raped. I have an ear ringing called tinnitus that has not stopped since. I have nightmares. I flew with my mom to a wedding overseas. I was excited. She would be busy with her friends and cousin and I would get to spend time with my awesome second cousin who is two years older than me. After the rehearsal dinner we went out. It was fun because I was not legally able to drink there even though the age was lower than in my province, but they did not check ID’s. I did not drink much because it was not my thing and I had a boyfriend but I was able to go to some bars then a club attached to a hotel. So much fun up to when we met two soldiers in uniform who were cute and separated us from her friends because of our looks. My cousin is stunning beautiful. They had a private room at the club and several soldiers were there and two prostitutes also. Those prostitutes definitely hated us being there. I wanted to get out anyway and the cute ones that invited us acted like they understood and took us out of there. We stupidly let them take us to their hotel room where they totally dropped the cute romantic act and made us strip our clothes to music. They showed us a gun they had in a drawer. I was terrified. They made us lay on our stomachs bent over the bed side by side and had sex with us that way. They switched like we were interchangeable before finishing in us with no protection. We held hands. I was crying while my cousin was trying to be strong and cheer me up. We weren’t allowed to leave and our clothes were hidden. Before took our phones we had to text that we were staying at my cousin’s friend’s house. Then they called two other soldiers, one of them a huge tall dark guy with body builder muscles. He was the worst to me. They made us dance and then we had to use our mouths on the cute ones that had lured us there while the other two had sex with us. I vomited and my cousin cleaned it up but then it started again. They had cocaine and made us sniff it off their parts and sniffed it off us. Another one came and I think it was just those five during the night but they kept raping us and making us do things even when we would pass out. I would like to have been more unconscious but cocaine makes you so awake. I want to remember less and think about it all less. We showered many times. The big dark one peed on me and in my mouth the shower. He did it more than once like I was his toilet. The other men even had to tell him to chill out when he was making me scream liking his fingers and pushing them in my arse, but not when he made me crawl around like a dog using my hair as a leash. I remember one of them calling their friends to tell them to turn all their t.v.’s way up to hide the noise in our room. They watched sports news on the t.v. They had me and my cousin kiss each other and stuff. I could not act like it was a fun party like my cousin did sometimes and encouraged me to do. She tried to take some of their attention away from me over and over. I love her for it but they did not leave me alone. My chest is something they were obsessed with. They did not care that I was obviously distressed and freaking out or that in my country I was three years below the age of consent. There I was the minimum. We woke up in the morning on one the beds together with only the two soldiers sleeping on the floor. The black one was gone! They had sex with us again and another man who was much older and who they called SIR came in and had sex with both us but mostly me. They cheered him on and my head was pounding and I was crying and it seemed to last forever. Finally we got our clothes back but they took us for brunch wearing their normal clothes. They showed me pictures on their phones that made it look like I was having fun and warned us how bad it would be if we said anything different than we had a nice party. A nice party in hell! Before that I’d had sex with only my 1 boyfriend ever. One night of hell and now my number was seven!! We had to start getting ready for the wedding right away and I was exhausted. My cousin hid me and I took a nap in my dress, hair and makeup until the last minute. I cried in the ceremony but not for the wedding. I was so sore in my vagina, muscles, and brain that I got so drunk at the reception I barely remember any of it. Just part of being on the plane home. I told my mom the truth when I got back and she got all crazy, so did my dad, and they tried to call over there and the hotel and such but there was nothing the police would do. I saw my dad cry for the first time as I told the whole story. My boyfriend could not handle it and dumped me. I go to group and do therapy. I take a pill everyday and now benzo’s for break through anxiety. I try to hide my large chest under baggy clothes where before I used it for attention. STUPID! My cousin does not seem to have the trauma I do or the nightmares. In her country they are done with secondary school up to two years before us and are more treated like adults sooner. I said mean things to her once because of it. She forgave me but we talk much less since I asked if she has gang bangs all the time. I felt terrible because she even let them have anal sex with her to lure them away from me. I could tell it hurt her so much but at the time was just thinking about my own survival. My childhood is OVER but I do not feel like an adult. Her advice is -Don’t let it get you so down-. Like I have a choice in this!! She went to a therapist ONCE because her mom made the appointment and does not plan to go back. Her life did not really change!! She works reception at a tech company and models on the side and still goes to parties and clubs and dates. How??? It is unbelievable how attitudes toward something like this can be so different in different countries. I am a victim now and I usually feel like it. Definitely damaged. Everybody at my school knows why. I am THAT girl. My new more mature boyfriend is understanding but I feel like a sad little burden to him. I am hypersexual sometimes now and can’t help it. It is a coping mechanism that happens to some victims of sexual assault. I did not ask for it. I worry my boyfriend can’t trust me because of it. I had an older guy friend who’s been my neighbor for years take advantage of me after I told him the story of what happened at his house. We had sex and then he felt guilty for being turned on by my rape story. He admitted it and asked me to forgive him. The sex helped me calm the ear ringing for just short time periods so I did it with him more than once a day for a bit until my dad started to suspect something and talked to him. Since then I don’t trust myself. I want to marry my boyfriend in large part just to protect myself and show him I love him and am loyal even though I am not sure I can be. I worry I cannot love like a normal person. I worry I push him away being too needy and wanting to marry him so soon. I need him more than he needs me. Is that the way it will always be in relationships for rape victims??? I work hard at school not to ruin my future. It is so hard to focus. My ears ring constantly. Thank you for listening.

I was used by my brother who has grown up a lot but I still carry scars. My brother is four years older than me and when I was going from elementary school to Junior high, that summer, he made me think that girls in junior high need to know how to give oral to boys. First he did oral to me to show me it was not a big deal. I thought it was a huge deal. But I did it and he got me trained and had me keep it a secret, except from by best friend. He had his friend over when I had a sleepover one night and had her do it to his friend. Then they would have us do contests where they wear blindfolds. At least I was not alone then. It changed me even though seventh grade itself had nothing to do with anything like that. It was a lie to get pleasure from me. My brother still had me doing it at home. And sometimes he would do it to me and I did climax. So I had this weird secret sex life and felt really messed up about it. Then in eight grade I had my first real boyfriend. My parents are so strict, even though they both worked and left me alone with my brother. To go to the movies with my boyfriend they made sure it was with a group and took me there and waited outside the theater. Well one time when we went to see Snow White and the Huntsman my same BFF and me went through with our plan to go down on our guys in the last row of the theater and we did it. It was only a month later I started having sex with him which never would have happened if not for what my brother had done. We snuck out from her place during a sleepover and met the boys outside and went to the nearby park and did it in the grass. That was my virginity. The really bad event, where my life got knocked off the tracks, is when we tried it from my house, sneaking out the window and going just out farther into my big back yard that opened into nothing but the side of a big hill and my dad caught us. It was awful. The world ended. I was treated like a huge betrayer and almost all my privileges were revoked and essentially I was grounded without any end date. And still by brother would make me do the oral. I was broken hearted because I was not allowed to have my boyfriend to the point my parents made me go to the school and talk to the principal and vice principal and they made sure I would not have any chance to ever see him alone. And my brother kept creeping in at night sometimes or when we were left alone expecting me to do what he had trained me to be used to. The next really bad part was two months into my new restricted life. My brother started doing his oral on me one afternoon after school and decided to take it farther and got up and started kissing me and had sex with me. I was in the moment and did not do anything to stop him and even participated. No condom. It was an afternoon when my parents were away and so we did not have to keep quiet or worry and he did it so much longer than my few times with my boyfriend, because he was older and knew more from being with other girls that I got sore for my first time and got a urine infection. I did not eat my dinner that night and pretended to be sick and cried myself to sleep. My brother really wanted to do it again, telling me it was the best sex he ever had, but I refused and one thing I could say for him back then was at least he was not a rapist. Even though he pressured me he never tried to force himself inside me. Four months after I had lost my incest virginity the school year ended and he graduated. I went to high school and he moved out to live in college dorms 120 miles from our home town. Public school was over for me, as was planned as soon as my dad caught me on the hill. I went to an all girl’s Catholic high school. My dad had to drive me a half hour every morning and my mom picked me up from my whole first year. Then they got me a car so I could drive myself but the mileage and my times were closely monitored. I did not have an intercourse throughout high school but seven times total I did oral on my brother during summer and winter breaks when we were both at home. That was the end of incest in my life. I went to college in Atlanta but not the same one as my brother. I rebelled against my parents and even though they tried to keep control, as a legal adult I did not let them. Turmoil and sadness lasted months until they finally got it. I separated from them financial and worked and took out student loans. I was very promiscuous in college. I drank, partied and used drugs recreationally and had several guys I was seeing on and off for mostly sex. That was my life and I thought I enjoyed it at the time. I became stronger and more assertive and when my brother first hinted during a Thanksgiving meeting at our relative’s house that we go for a drive I told him I never wanted to touch him again in such a powerful way that he knew I was off limits and even seemed like the scared one in our relationship. I didn’t enroll in classes for two nonconsecutive semester just because my party life was so much more fun. I traveled on and off. Sometimes with friends, sometimes with men, usually older, who invited me to exotic places. The Maldives, Portugal, The Virgin Islands. I let my married boss use me for a weekend in Key West. I had an affair with my Spanish teacher, who only took me as far as Panama City, Florida. So many risky one night stands. My identity was that I was not looking for anything permanent, a child of the universe. While I was used as a plaything so many times and believed I liked the game. I would tell them things about wanting to make their dick happy and stuff that would inflate their ego. I’m sure there are so many text messages out there that they saved about the size of their D fitting in my little P, about being a little girl wanting them to teach me to be woman and other depraved fantasies I thought they wanted to hear. Obviously directly related to what my brother did to me. I am almost positive I avoided being raped more than once by going with the flow when I did not expect to or probably want to. It may be good that some of them I probably don’t remember. Once was at one of the few fraternity parties I ever went to. It was three guys, not my usual style. Once was with my roommate's father who was visiting her at our rented house and found his way to my bed in the early morning. One of the more extreme traumatic events was with a police officer who pulled me over for driving when I had been drinking but was under the legal limit on his breathalyzer. He followed me home, like a mile away, “for my safety” and even followed me inside. I was in an apartment then and I thought my roomate was home and told him so. But when she wasn’t there he said I lied to a police officer and he had to do a more thorough search if I wanted to avoid being arrested. He was not attractive or nice. He had a gun thought he never took it out. You can guess what happened. I finally shed that wild life during my second to last semester when I saw the end of college coming. My G.P.A was 3.3. and my major was philosophy and it dawned on me that the future was not bright in terms of what I would do or how I would pay back my loans. I buckled down and decided to change. I had an offer to strip and ‘make a lot of money’ but thankfully not only did never considered myself like that, but when I went with a friend for her interview and they tried to recruit me they were so sleazy we both ran out of there disgusted. I reevaluated my whole life. I considered ending it, but some survival mechanism did not allow it. I did not want to be the person I had been for a few years. I looked ahead and saw it was not sustainable as I aged and had no real love or stability. I quit serving when I got an offer to work in a legal office. I slept with the manager who hired me as a receptionist but it was a drop in the bucket of things to be shameful of. He was the last one like that. I got all A’s and graduated cum laude. I got promoted in the firm mostly by title but used it to spring away and take a lower paying job in a nonprofit law firm where I had not slept with anyone. There I did sleep with a lawyer but I am married to him still and my life is back together. I love him and he loves me. He does not know the extent of my sluttiness in college or about my brother and I doubt he ever will. That darkness is fading and it is not part of my life now. It is not who I am. As for my brother, he has a family now and we are on good terms. We did talk about it once while I was studying like crazy my senior year, although it was not a big deep talk. I did mention that he used me, he apologized, we hugged, and that was it. Not the cathartic confrontation some might expect. My catharsis is my husband, and my life now that I am grateful for. We adopted two toddler brothers and I am their mom. Maybe we’ll have one of our own. Maybe we’ll adopt again. I was used and introduced to sex too young and early and it strained my relationship with my parents for a long time and I’ll never get that back. It derailed my life. I was set adrift for a while but God or the universe or random luck finally put me in a good place. Everything that happened led me what I have now. I can’t say I never contemplated suicide in darker times. But like in the move Cast Away, if I may quote, “I stayed alive. I kept breathing. And one day my logic was proven all wrong because the tide came in, and gave me a sail. And now, here I am.” Thousands of hours spent studying philosophy and I quote a movie that was not even based on a book. But it’s perfect.

In my story, IT STARTED WITH MY BROTHER, I briefly mentioned 3 instances of avoiding being raped by letting men just have me when it seemed like they were going to do me whether or not I consented. I do think I avoided emotional and physical trauma at the time, but the anger, self resentment, and feelings of being wronged and about it did snowball after. I never shared or released those stories. Please read my original story for context. In this instance the sex was already happening when I awoke, and my reflex was to take the non-confrontational path. The easy way, not the right way. I had gotten home from work as a server at my bar and grill restaurant and my female roommate had her father staying with us for the weekend. I had already met him since they drove straight from the airport to the sports bar I worked at. That’s were he told me, “Just call me, ‘Dad’”. They sat in my section, ate, and left. No issues. Then, back at our 2 bedroom apartment there was a small party for his benefit with a couple of our friends. I had a couple hard ciders and chatted about college and my roommate and heard stores of when she was a kid from. I flirted and humored “Dad”’s sexual innuendos directed at me, and ignored his eyes all up and down me. I was used to it. I played the good hostess and waited until it was all dying down probably around 2 or 3 am, before I showered and went to bed. It had been a long day with both class and work. I was stirred out of my sleep a few hours later with "Dad" already inside of me, thrusting in and out between my legs! By the light streaming in through my dark blinds I could tell it was day. But WTF was happening?! My panties were off but my T-shirt was on. Underneath it the dark figure who I quickly was able to identify as "Dad" was caressing my breasts with one hand while holding me down with the other. Still dazed and confused, I guess I put my arms around him and responded like a willing partner. He soon finished and then it got awkward.  He told me "That really hit the spot". He started to make conversation! The longer I had to think, the more I realized what happened. That he had just helped himself as I lay sleeping. I was 19 and dating a hot university baseball player at the time and would not have gone for this fifty or so year old guy on purpose. He was sure drinking that night but I had only had a few ciders. So there I was, realizing I had been kind of raped but held hostage by a sense of politeness! Not to mention as I was 5'3'' 110 pounds, so there was the physical intimidation from a much taller man with a dad bod.  I always pee right after sex but felt captive by "Dad"'s ramblings as he propped himself up on one elbow hovering over me while he ran his fingers over me and stroked my hair sporadically.  I shared his cold can of beer with him that he must have opened right before he came in to rape me because I remember drinking deeply the cold liquid soothing my dry throat. I suffered through some dad jokes and stories I did not care about, as well as answering some personal questions about myself and my sexuality. I was looking for momentary pause to get up and away from “Dad” when he said, "I'm ready to go again, baby." NO! He moved on top of me! Instead of fighting him off me or even saying "no", I spread my legs to accommodate him! WTF! The second time did not have the desperate eagerness of the first, unfortunately. As he even said, he wanted to teach me a lesson this time. I guess about how good he was is bed. A definite case of ‘whiskey dick’. So I let this man I had never wanted or considered sex with jostle me into several positions. He was large man and so much stronger than me it was a joke. After the missionary he picked me up to prove some point and did me against the wall right next to my window. I remember seeing through cracks in the blinds and knowing it was early because the parking lot was full and nothing was moving. Then SLAM onto the bed. We did 69 with me lying on him where I sucked him with all my might wanting to END IT while he was licking me. I failed! He had me being on top riding him at one point. I was on my hands and knees with him ramming behind me when I collapsed under his weight to flat on my face. He enjoyed never letting up on the thrusts as I was completely pinned down by him. I let him give me two or more orgasms in hopes he would just finish. I was so loud I was embarrassed my roommate would come rushing in my room any second. She was passed out drunk. He finally left as soon as he finished. I am sure his ego was massively inflated and the terrible man still thinks of me today! I lie there in my bed catching my breath and getting more anxious. I got up, pulled on some sweats, and B-lined straight out the door to my gym. I wanted to get away so bad. I drank water like I had just walked out of a desert. I showered for so long at the empty Saturday morning gym without any products but hand soap. Then I started to work out like crazy, on three hours sleep and exhaustion. I was trying to sweat him out of my system, to scream and thrash through my exercise. I showered again then went out and fell asleep in my car in the back of the lot. The rest of the weekend I only went to my apartment for minutes at a time to pick up things I needed. I sure as Hell did not sleep there! When he was gone I answered my roommates questions that I had been blowing off with lies and short answers. I told her the truth. She shrugged and looked at me skeptically, like it was just one of those things. I was promiscuous in college and she knew it. We sort of made a joke out of it and moved on. The easy way, not the right way. I still have big time guilt at how I was back then. At the time my things was not that "I wish I had fought him." What I wished was that I had been too drunk to remember!!! So that was that. Something I kept inside, festering. Other things added to it and it got swept under the rug of my damaged psyche. Not one of the worst skeletons in my closet but what I was willing to share for now. I am working up to the others. My first story I shared helped a lot. I hope it helped somebody else too. I thank all of you and I empathize. I will read your stories and support you in my thoughts and prayers.

I've not shared this story with many people. The first time I told a boyfriend he fell asleep and I felt even more alone than before. I have a good relationship with a good person now, many years later, and it has helped to heal me. As much as the experience has impacted me, my story could have been much, much worse. And that is where part of the problem lies. I have not believed or taken seriously because it never got to the worst case scenario. I have been estranged from my entire family. But I was the child and the victim, I should not have been blamed and shamed and faulted for my absence and my trauma. I simply couldn't stand to be in the same room anymore with the one who was responsible. Which was my father. As I said it could have been much worse. Luckily I was never actually raped. But I lived with the fear everyday as a teen. Because he would walk in on me in the shower, my room and the bathroom. And I did not have a lock on my bedroom door. I did start frantically locking every other available lock, but still felt vulnerable as he was on the other end of the door trying the handle. He would watch pornographic content while I was in the room and refused to skip over these parts when changing the channels, waiting for the scenes to end first. At some point when he came across one, he out if the blue asked if I was old enough for this already. Seriously? Who thinks it is okay to watch porn with your daughter? I cannot unsee his face as he asked this, his stare. I tried to be away from the house as much as I could and stay in my room as well, scarcely coming down to eat to avoid being seen. I even once tried to heat food under a table lamp to avoid being in his presence. The relationship with my parents obviously deteriorated and my mother grew very frustrated with me, blaming me for hurting her and my father by being so aloof. But how could I tell her -or anyone else -this, my father ultimately wasn't a bad person, was he? Eventually I must have told them at least 3 times what had happened (first when I still lived at home pressured by my mother, later after I moved out and had fallen into a deep depression), but they refuse to understand or accept the facts. My mother says it never happened and that my memories are false. She also said it is not acceptable to stay away from family (no matter what basically). My father reduces it to his internet porn behaviour. He once tried to touch my hair after I tried to avoid him at all costs and I still have chills down my spine at the memory of his touch on my head. It's a theme in my nightmares that I'm screaming for him to stay away and not touch me, while my mother is angry and denies it all. I have ultimately broken contact with my father completely, after trying for years to overcome the trauma and nightmares. It has helped me immensely. I try to still be in touch with my mother but it is always painful and difficult. She tries to talk about him, shares pictures that have him on it and I can't even bear to look at those. I am still always on my guard with men older than me, though not as uncomfortable as I used to be. So... This is my story and I am glad I finally have somewhere to share this. No-one should have to go through these things, it's good that there is more awareness to how common sexual assault is and that we should do everything we can to stop it. I wish you all the best.

I was conditioned to think catcalling was a compliment, that if someone held your waist a little too long at work it was just cause "ahh they're just a bit touchy", that it's easier to just "go with it" than to say no and risk their response. It took me years to identify that no matter the degree of your experiences it still is never ok. We often get told sexual violence is one way but it isn't, it comes in many forms and sometimes you can't identify it at first - and that's ok. I am only recently coming to terms with the varying degrees of experiences I've had. I didn't want to say anything because I was made to believe I'd "rock the boat". Well some boats are meant to sink. Let's rebuild the boat so everyone can stay afloat, included and safe.

I was sexually assaulted between the ages of 18 and 19 by my then-boyfriend. I remember when it first started, I didn't even think of it as sexual assault, only that I knew I didn't want to and always felt upset after it happened. There was one specific event that made me realise what I was experiencing was not normal. I remember repeating "no" to the point of almost yelling and trying to push him off me with all my strength. He had a grip of my jumper which ripped when I eventually broke free. I didn't know what to do, so I did nothing. I went to dinner with his family that evening and cried in the bathroom. To this day, I still haven't told anyone and I wonder if he even understands the gravity of what he had done.

i just wrote this in my thirties about my experience with anal date rape as a teenager. i hope that if anyone sees themselves reflected here they feel less alone. i didn’t understand i was assaulted until later — as women we’re conditioned from birth to tolerate harm without even knowing that it is harmful. — blood-filled bowl, red bowl, every time ulcer-lined lips, sealed lips, shut tight bruise-laced neck, black & blue, souvenirs i woke up with the springs of my childhood mattress pressing my back and none of my clothes i’d delighted in picking out for the party. i was 19 and i kept the uncapped bottle of liquor he left behind because it was free i threw his sweatshirt in the trash and walked to work in my black suede h&m ballet flats i got home where i could finally lower my hands from my neck and i told no one the cracked screen of my iphone 4 glowed blue in the dark of my room with one new voice message: when can i see you again when i moved, i found the neon pink poly blend skirt i wore under our ikea couch you could sometimes hear mice in. dust bunnies clung to the nylon as i lifted it from the hardwood floor. it was blood-stained and $15 i was so mad i couldn’t wear it anymore. i loved how tan it made me look

It happened during my second year of graduate school. I traveled from Boston to Connecticut to attend a friend's birthday party. I had other friends that I knew who were going to be there, so I decided why not. The party took place in a private room in the back of a lounge/restaurant. Most of the people who attended where either in the same sorority as me, were a friend, fraternity brother, or fellow military officers of the birthday boy. We all were either dancing, drinking, and grooving to the music that was being played by the DJ in his corner. I remember the birthday boy asking me to take a series of drinking shots with him and a few friends---all custom made by the bartender. "Give us your best shot! [laughter] Surprise us," is what I remember him stating to the bartender over the loud music. The two shots we took at jägermeister mixed with a few other liqueurs. Black out. I woke up naked in a hotel room laying on top of and kissing another female friend surrounded by at least four other men in the room. They were encouraging us to continue to make out and grind on one another, including the birthday boy. In the moment, it looked and felt like that scene in a movie where a group of drunk college boys are at a party and egging each other on to do something stupid--but in slow motion. The slow motion became faster and reality sank in. I remember becoming fully aware of what was happening and jumping back and off of her. I remember her passing out. Black out. I woke up again. This time on the floor in front of the hotel bed. He was having sex with me as I woke up from my unconsciousness. I remember looking up to his face and looking to the left of his face realizing that the hotel tv was playing in the background. I remember telling him "no" and "stop" and pushing him off of me. I ran to the bathroom. I was still naked. As I entered the bathroom and shut the door, the first thought that came to my head as I looked into the mirror was, "How the hell did you get yourself into this situation? Is this really you? Are you really here right now?" I started to cry and then quickly reminded myself of where I was at. I then said to myself, "Wash your face. Find your clothes. Find your phone. But don't make a scene." So I washed the darkened mascara off myself. Walked out of the bathroom to find my clothes and phone. I realized that everyone except him seemed to be sleeping and there was another person who was sitting on top of the bed watching tv. The same tv that I saw to the left of him. The same bed that I woke up in front of, on the floor. "Was he just watching this entire time and didn't do anything?" That's what I asked myself. I found my clothes and phone. Phone was dead. After some time passed, everyone started to wake up and I just sat in the chair and waited for everyone to get dressed. We left the hotel room and went to a local IHOP for breakfast. I wasn't sure how to process what happened just hours before. I wasn't sure if I felt safe enough to ask them what happened. I felt disgusted with myself. I also wasn't sure if what I experienced was real. I was hungover. They all were in the military, including the female I woke up in my consciousness to the first time. They drove me all the back back to Boston and dropped me off at home. There was no mention about what happened. Goodbye. I entered my apartment, went upstairs, got in the shower and cried. After the shower, I crawled in my bed. Black out.

Seeking Justice and Support After Sexual Assault and Harassment in Japan I am a woman living in Japan, currently facing a severe situation. I experienced sexual assault in Japan, resulting in PTSD and depression. In Japanese culture, it is difficult for victims to raise their voices, and my suffering is often ignored in society. This has left me feeling isolated and deeply distressed. While studying in Canada, I was able to live safely without experiencing racial discrimination, male chauvinism, patriarchal attitudes, or misogyny. However, after returning to Japan, I faced power harassment, sexual harassment, and moral harassment at work, which has further exacerbated my mental distress. Moreover, my employer provided my address to the perpetrator without my consent, which has severely threatened my safety. The perpetrator's lawyer also obtained my personal information from the ward office without following proper procedures and used it without my permission. This has been an incredibly terrifying experience, making me feel constantly vulnerable and unsafe. Additionally, since the perpetrator was not prosecuted, the National Police Agency rejected my application for victim compensation, leaving me unable to cover my medical expenses and facing significant financial difficulties. This has added a layer of hopelessness to my already overwhelming situation. I also consulted the police, but they told me to call them only if the perpetrator showed up at my house, leaving me without support. In Japan, owning weapons for self-defense is prohibited by law, making self-protection extremely difficult. This lack of protection leaves me feeling powerless and exposed to further harm. Although Japan is often considered a developed country, the reality is different from what many people around the world believe. Outdated values from the Showa era still persist, and the legal framework for addressing sexual crimes is inadequate. This systemic failure compounds my sense of injustice and helplessness. Japan's welfare services have their limitations. In the type B continuous employment support system, I can only earn about 650 yen per day. Moreover, the facility's regulations prohibit part-time work, making it difficult to improve my financial situation. I strongly wish to lead an independent life, but the current circumstances make it incredibly challenging. I also have a lawyer, but the fear and anxiety caused by the perpetrator do not go away. Every day is a struggle, filled with anxiety and dread. In Japan, enduring hardship and suffering in silence are often considered virtues, making it difficult for victims to speak out. This cultural expectation to suffer quietly adds to my emotional burden and isolation. Therefore, I sincerely hope to receive objective advice on my situation. I have sought help through Chat GPT to articulate my situation clearly and seek support from a global audience. I am desperately seeking support from people overseas. Any form of assistance would be greatly appreciated. Please, hear my voice.

it happened in the fall. it was cold outside (so was he), i remember worrying about not looking pretty enough for him. i invited him in and we started talking we instantly clicked, he was funny, charismatic, good looking, everything i wanted in a man and as the night progressed he offered me edibles and i took it (not ever having taken them before) and i feel that's where i went wrong, i accepted something that was going to leave me feeling like i was in a nightmare for months. i don't necessarily remember every detail, at times i even wonder what was real and what wasn't but i know my body tells me what is real. i blacked out through most of it and the parts i do recall have begun to fade but my body hasn't forgotten. part of me blames me for letting him in, for allowing myself to be put in that situation, aftercall he was a tinder hookup. when i wanted to take legal action it already was too late and i didn't want to have to face him again. he scares me now, i often find myself looking at his pictures thinking how can someone so normal looking live such a normal life after what they did? how can monsters walk upon us and no one notice, it often reminds me of when no one noticed the day after it happened. i remember feeling so dirty and different, i felt like an alien that everyone would look at but no one would say anything. i never said anything because one of the first people i told didn't believe me at first, it was only after they saw how damaged i was that they realized they should have helped me instead of telling me i was a "liar". it just baffles me how he was able to move on and i have to live with this for the rest of my life. i often find myself wondering if he even is sorry or if he realized what he did wrong not only once but twice. i have tried convincing myself it is my mind trying to protect me from it but then there's days where all i see is him, all i feel is him, and then it hits me. i was raped.

Hi. I am now 20 years old. This happened when I was 4 and 8 years old. I was sexually assaulted by my baby sisters father when I was 4, I watched him force my other sister (2 years old) to go down on him / lick his penis. Me as well. My siblings and I have different fathers. I remember running away from him, climbing onto a bunk bed. He grabbed me, and walked me back to my mothers and his bedroom. He threw me onto the bed and used a white sock to lock the double doors. I was wearing cartoon underwear. My memory cuts off when he penetrates, but I feel physical pain when I try to think of it. No one believed me when I opened up after I was 8. When I was 8, I woke up with my grandmothers ex husbands hands in my pants. He groomed me for years. He taught me to ride a bike when I was younger. I told my mother right away, went to therapy and testified against him. He went to prison, but for only 4-5 years. My therapist was the first person I told about my sisters father. However my mother didn’t believe me, because there was no damage when they checked at 9 years old. She thought he was a good man, and I was just making it up. Even when my baby sister came out and said her dad had been hurting her. Easter of 2019, my baby sister called me. Her baby sister, 4 years old, was being sexually abused by her father. They have court coming up next year, and it breaks my heart. The father is no longer allowed around his children, thank god. But if someone believed us, maybe we could’ve prevented it. I still struggle with this today. My flashbacks and nightmares worsen in 2018, once I was in my own place and comfortable to start processing the trauma. In the past 5 months, my grandmothers ex husband kept coming into my job. I recognized him by the back of his head. I haven’t seen him since the court room. I hyperventilated and had to leave work multiple times, until my managers finally got a chance to tell him that him and his mother is not allowed there. He pretended like he didn’t recognize me when we confronted him, but the second time he came in we made eye contact and by his reaction on the security footage he knew me. His parole officer called me, asked for my address so if he came near my apartment or job, his ankle bracelet would alert him. I am very relieved. I hope one day, I’ll heal. I’ll be okay. But for now I’m taking baby steps.

It was 2017, I was in an unhealthy relationship with someone who located insecurities and used them to wear down the people around him, including myself. I had urged him to go to a party in city 1 when he was there for business, he went begrudgingly but ended up meeting a celebrity 10 years his junior, who was the exact same specific ethnicity as me, the same body type, the same hair and eye colour just richer, younger and famous. Naturally he cheated on me then left me to go and be with her in city 1. I still can't stand watching her show, even though they've separated now. My life then became a domino effects of all things that lead you to the bottom of the barrel. I lost my apartment and was sleeping on friends couches including my ex's house with his housemates who I believed were my friends also, I lost one of my jobs, I was constantly looking for rentals but the housing crisis made it impossible. Then I was unexpectedly nominated for a prestigious award in my field and work I had done was being screened in another country and I was asked to attend the event. Things looked like they were looking up and both events were a wonderful time but when I got back, I was still homeless for another 10 days before I could move into the room my friends had that would become available at the end of the month. Enter - an odd man 15yrs older than myself, whom I met in a social setting before my ex left me, knew about my break up from his friends and reached out to me through social media and when we chatted he learned I was staying on couches and offered me his apartment while he was away in city 2 for two weeks. I took the opportunity to finally shower without taking a whole suitcase into a bathroom and having four walls to myself. He gave me the key then departed. It was bliss. Until he claimed he was lonely on his trip, messaged me several times each hour around the clock (including through out the night as he rarely slept) and would get upset with me if I ended answer. I felt strange, like I owed him that attention because he was doing me a huge favour and was helping me through a terrible emotional time where I was also deep in an eating disorder that left me very physically weak. I cried every day for months and was deeply depressed. He began calling and face-timing with me while he was away and could be very sweet or very cold which scared me a great deal because he's a scary looking, very tall and unpredictable individual. He seemed like he cared and I ignored the hackles that went up my back when I got the sense I was in danger. He then suddenly arrived home early without warning and I still had a week until I could move into my own place. He told me I could stay and he wouldn't get in my way etc. I said I'd make him meals to thank him for letting me stay. What followed still confuses me to this day, even with years of working with my therapist to face the trauma inflicted by his hand. The things I know for sure. - He had sex with me and I did not give consent. - When I did eventually give consent, it was out of fear for my life when he had shown physical aggression and intimidation. - He isolated me from every single one of my friends and family by subtly suggestions flaws in their character that "proved" they did not have my best interests at heart. - He drugged drinks that he would make me, I'm still unsure with what type of drug but whatever it was made me very easy going and agreeable as well as want to dance. - He eventually began to try to control what I wore, ate and when I slept. - He would love bomb me then berate me to both extremes. - He would flex his control over me in front his friends. - He made me undress until I was naked in front of his friends. - When I left the apartment he would call and demand to know where I was and who I was with as well as when I would be returning. - He yelled at me, shoved me against a wall to threaten me and verbally abuse me and slammed several doors in my face. - He eventually retrieved his apartment key from me so that he had both and my coming and going was dependent on him allowing me to leave or not. - He waited for me to fall asleep and then he would come into the bedroom to have sex with me while I was "asleep" where I would go to somewhere else inside my mind and wait for it to be over. I then discovered through a friend that there were more women he had done similar things to and abused and our official reports are being compiled. I am still very scared of him, running into him at an event or on the street and I still feel such rage that it shocks me and worries me that such rage could be present inside me. My therapist was incredible and I have learned much from that year of hell. I have moved past shame, guilt and embarrassment and I have a loving, compassionate partner now and I couldn't be happier. I saw Evan Rachel Wood's documentary and everything she had been through with her abuser and with both her stories of the detailed abuse as well as the level of public/celebrity attention on her while she endured the years of it, I so painfully related to both aspects and my silence, like hers, came from fear of what that man could do to my career, my reputation and the power he had in the professional/social circle we both are a part of. I am stronger now. I know who I am. And I know I will name him.

I was just 3 years old when it started, my mom walked in on my older brother telling me to get undressed to play the love doctor game. He is my half brother so we had different moms. My mom told my dad to keep his son away from me. Unfortunately it continued for 11 more years. He would hold me down, cover my mouth and touch me or rub up against me. He would wake me up in the middle of the night by touching me. He would even do it when my dad was in the same room asleep but I couldn’t move, I was frozen. I fought everything at first but he was bigger than me and stronger than me so I soon learned that I was powerless. I would lay there crying and then I eventually went numb and would derealize. One time, I was wearing a bathing suit and my brother proceeded to tell me that I put it on to tease him. After that I hated wearing bathing suits. We went on a family vacation with my whole family, we were in the lake, and he started touching me in the lake, I couldn’t do anything but freeze. Those are just a few times it occurred given it was almost every day. He did it in front of my little cousin who then thought it was okay to grab my butt and try and kiss me. I came out about my abuse my sophomore year of High school, so about 2 years ago. I spiraled very fast starting high school, I began drinking a lot and getting into drugs to cope. One night, I was at a party and I got extremely drunk and high and was passed out, my ex bf dragged me into this supply closet and raped me. Everyone called me a whore for it and blamed me. I then went on a date with a guy later that year, for Valentine’s Day, he asked me to give him oral, I said no, multiple times, then he forced me, I cried the whole time, and still to this day he sees nothing wrong with it. I was told I shouldn’t have put myself in that position. I am still forced to be around all of these people and struggle with my mental health. I have PTSD, Anxiety, and depression, and they have no consequences for their actions only I do.

We get on the late bus we’re going to take to get to my house, the “activity” school bus, since we’ve stayed behind after school. He leads me to a seat somewhere in the middle, then shields us from the thin stream of other students trickling in. Without warning, he leans forward and kisses me. The instant our lips meet, a white-hot something flares up inside of me and I think: I don’t want to do this anymore. I pull away almost immediately, the kiss lasts only a few seconds but it feels like an eternity. He says in an almost condescending tone, “That was physically nothing. You made it sound like you knew how to kiss.” As though he’s entitled to someone more experienced. Of course I don’t. Does he not understand what a first kiss is? Did I even like it? Before I have a chance to say anything, he pulls me in and kisses me deeply, his lips pressing against mine. A translucent blush clambers up my neck and caresses my cheeks before it digs its nails in. Once he’s done, he gets up and switches seats, leaving me alone for the remainder of the ride home. In the thick, heavy, humid air of my room, mingled with the smell of our sweat, his cloying scent—of cologne, tropical gum, and mint with a hint of vanilla—penetrates my nostrils. His cruel hands emerge from the shadows, tangled in my hair, cradling my jaw. Without a sound, they slither to my waist. Unsatisfied, they creep, groping lower, wrapping around my hips. His touch is unforgiving. It makes me want to cry. His hands move like it’s easy, like he doesn’t have to think before using me. I can’t tell the difference between him and the dark. It’s so opaque I can’t tell if my eyes are open or closed. I can’t see anything. I can only feel. He kisses me relentlessly, ruthlessly, his lips warm and wet. The sound is nauseating. It makes my skin crawl. As his kisses deepen, they turn cold as he slips his tongue into my mouth. He tastes like all the tears I wish I could cry. He was soft, even gentle at first but he’s allowed his obscene hunger to consume him. He’s getting rough but I can’t say no. I can’t say or do anything, I’m running on autopilot. I tear away from myself, it feels like my soul has been taken out of its socket. I’m a detached spectator watching it all unfold as I hover outside of my body, facing the scene. I don’t recognize the boy kissing him back. It can’t be me. This can’t be happening. But it is. We barely part for air because he just won’t stop. Even when we pause for the briefest moment to catch our breath, I can still feel it. His phantom lips on mine. I didn’t think it would be like this. I don’t want to watch anymore, disgust roils in my stomach, but I can’t look away. Cacospectamania—an obsession with staring at something repulsive or vulgar, where our tendency as humans towards morbid curiosity comes from. I can’t close my eyes and even if I did, the sight has already burned itself into my eyelids. I feel sick. I can’t breathe. But he doesn’t stop, he takes and takes as my skin begins to simmer with the invisible fever beneath his skin, poison seeping through my veins. For the first time, he asks me before he does something. “Can I kiss your neck?” he asks. Without thinking, my head automatically falls forward in a simulated nod, even though I don’t really want him to. My mind is utterly blank, I can’t comprehend, can’t process what’s happening. I’m not even looking at him, I’m watching from behind, peering over my own shoulder into nothing. My motionless body buzzes like a hive, vibrating from within. I feel his hot breath on my neck like a wolf panting on the fur of a rabbit. He kisses it roughly and it feels like he’s rubbing my skin raw. He traces one point along my jugular with his lips and tongue, like he’s a vampire trying to suck the blood out of my body. I wonder if he can feel my pulse screaming his name. I do not want this—it hurts, it hurts like hell—but my body unspeakably betrays me. Pleasure rises to the surface, giving me a high I’ve never felt before and will never feel again. My sole reference is the only other kind of high I’ve experienced, the rush spilling one’s own blood brings. Soon enough, I will slice my skin open in a futile attempt to bleed his fever from my veins. Except this is different. It unfurls like a vapor from the thick ice cover of numbness across the white, barren landscape within my chest, melting from the heat of our bodies. I retreat into my mind, bent on my hands and knees over the foggy surface, and try to break through to and unearth the fear buried far beneath. But it doesn’t feel good. Not in the slightest. The tingling, throbbing skin on the left side of my throat and all over my lips ache as though I’ve been stung by the restless bees inside me. I don’t know if this is normal or not. I wonder, Is it supposed to sting? The sensation is like rope burn, in the same spot where a noose had once dug into my flesh, leaving my skin scraped scarlet from the weight of my body I had left to the mercy of gravity. But at least that left a mark, some kind of proof, even if it was superficial. When it comes to him, all I have is the hurt. Nothing to show for it. Later, he hooks a finger on the collar of my v-neck T-shirt and tugs down. Dizzying, deep, instinctual fear drenches me, ice water being poured down my front as my heart drops to my feet. It arcs through my body, as sensitive as a live wire, electrocuting my nerves. I’m drowning in it, it’s so dark and cold, it’s like being plunged into a frozen lake and pulled to the bottom. I don’t know which way is up or down. But I know I’m going to die. Either from fright or from him. I manage to break the surface and as I do, I push him away with every ounce of my little strength. I’m so scared I can’t think straight, I can’t think at all. Every other emotion has left me except for the terror coursing through my thrumming veins. He’s going to rape me. I’m going to die. He practically said it before, when I told him my mom wanted me to keep the doors open. ‘What, does your mom think I’m gonna fuck you or something?’ The doors are closed. No one is going to help me. In stark contrast to me, he is harrowingly calm. But I can feel him trembling. Why is he shaking when I’m the one getting hurt? Is it excitement? Fear? Shame? Desire? I want to scream and cry until I’m wrung dry of tears, but my voice is stolen from me. I open my mouth but the sounds die in my throat, in the same way I will, an endless, excruciating death. I wish I could say, “No! Get off me. Get away from me. I don’t want to. Stop touching me. Leave me alone. Please. Don’t. Stop it. It hurts.” But he is the only one who can speak. I don’t want to listen anymore but it doesn’t matter. His voice is faded but his words are clear as a bell. “Don’t worry, I’m not taking anything off.” He’s trying to be reassuring but it doesn’t make me feel any safer. I don’t know why I reluctantly go back to him. I thought I could trust him. I wish I hadn’t. When I innocently drape my arm over his waist, he looks at me and says in a blasé tone, “You don’t know what turns me on, do you?” I quickly pull my arm back and cradle it against my chest like a bird with a broken wing, fear turning my blood cold. His expression never changes. Mirroring the countless times he’s gotten turned on by me and verbalizes it, regardless of my then asexuality. Later that same night once he’s home, I regrettably send him a poem with the misnomer desire, simply detailing the strange, foreign sensations all over my body, awaiting his lips and hands—or in retrospect, his hurt—to return. He responds, ‘You’re so sensual.’ I imagine him dragging out each word, slow and sultry, as though to entice me. At some point, I bite down on the inside of his lip. He pulls away and his mouth splits into a chilling smile. He says, “You bit me.” I apologize, even though I don’t mean it. Nothing I do stops him for longer than a few moments. He is ravenous, starving for me. He cannot get enough. He devours me. All I can do is watch, a ghost witnessing their own demise. Words no one else can hear are whispered in my ear from behind me. “This isn’t real. This isn’t happening.” I believe them because it’s better than dying. His response when I later told him it didn’t feel real? ‘You know it was.’ He says, ‘You’re mine, now. Forever.’ I imagine him saying it with a sadistic, self-satisfied grin. The words like hands pinning me down, shrapnel embedded in my skin. A brand on my soul—unforgettable, claiming me, marking me for life. His name threads through, weaving its way between everything. It carves itself into my heart and fuses with my bones, swirling in my bloodstream—every wounded bit of me engraved as his. I wish I could find the voice to say, “I’d rather die than be yours.”

Date’ I’m 16 years old. I went to a private school in region. There was a post grad following me around the party. I knew him so I wasn’t alarmed(even though he was 19 6’5” and 200 lbs a basketball player) He was my best friends ex. I needed to use the restroom. My first red flag. The guy tried to come in the bathroom. I said oh here you can go I’ll go somewhere else. Smooth move. I went upstairs and when I came out he was standing there waiting for me. He brought me into plunketts room and asked me to go on the roof and hook up. I said no I have a bf. He tried to kiss me I pushed him away. The fireworks were starting. We went on the roof after he apologized and said let’s just go smoke a cigarette. I agreed and we went out. This is when he forced me down and started kissing me. I was helpless 120, 5’8”. I cried and replied no stop pls stop. I can still feel the the rocky shingles on my back while he defiled me. Not even the worst part. I could hear ppl right under us but I was so embarrassed and scared I didn’t scream. That’s my worst regret I could have just screamed. When he was about to finish he gave me a choice. “I won’t come in you if you let me cum in your mouth”. I’m 40 and have never been the same since that incident

I was just starting outpatient therapy. She had texted me telling me she was “pent up”. She came to me asking for “help with it”. I didn’t want to lose her so I obliged. Seconds before she had called me. I was crying because I didn’t want to Do it, but I didn’t want to disappoint. Months later, she told me whenever we were just beginning to talk she had “done stuff” While we were on call without me knowing. She said she thought it was funny. I don’t think it’s funny. I think it’s vile and disgusting.

I thought he loved me and cared about me but how could that be true? I’m was just meditating and trying to imagine my entire muscular system relaxing but it was brief and didn’t give me the relief I need then I thought about someone else I thought loved me and cared about me and he does but all I can see in him is what my ex did to me and in that moment I was saying all he did was use me for sex and that is how I was feeling. Earlier I was journaling and it came out for the first time I fell in love with a man that used me for sex and never cared about me and then while meditating it came up again but this time as my mind was saying this again I stopped seeing him and I saw my ex. It was like looking down a long hallway at my ex and seeing him for the first time in a while. Seeing what he did and I told myself it’s ok I noticed I was self reflecting and integrating and I said it’s ok. I heard a voice say he used me and I said I know and then a few moments later I’m here writing parts of my story to share without any real intention other than it’s a safe space for me to talk about this. My stomach feels swollen right now and my throat is bothersome, my right hand is sore, and my neck is tense. Feeling these things and I wonder is this how I felt when it happened? Did I freeze up or tense up? Did I yell for him to stop? What happened in the moments I can’t remember? I am not sure but I know how it felt like something heavy was on top of me and I couldn’t breathe and even if I didn’t say it out loud yell it my mind was saying get off of me and I was struggling. And the other guy is seeming to fade into the background and my ex is at the forefront with his condescending face looking down at me as if what he was doing was ok because it’s what he wanted although I had a headache. I wonder what was going through his mind during those moments and even now does he remember? Does he regret what he did? And then I remember all the times he didn’t speak to me which years later I learned was manipulation haunt the silent treatment to gain some sense of control over me. My lips are dry and my legs are itching and my head hurts. Things that were happening in that exact moment he was on top of me because I didn’t want to have sex but he wanted to and that’s all that matters right? Healing is strange because I can feel everything now that I couldn’t before and in this space it’s like I’m right there on the floor again his condescending face staring down at me as it always does and he is doing exactly what he said he would do if I didn’t have sex with him before he left for work which was rape me. Except to me it wasn’t rape it was normal and maybe I should’ve just said yes? I mean how would it have been any different. If I say yes I’m in control right and if I say no he is? It’s also strange how survival skills seem like you were being toxic or unhealthy except I’m here aren’t I? I made it this far by eventually saying yes instead of saying no and at least I then wanted I right? Now I’m thinking of course I am always asking others does what I’m saying make sense because I want to know that they understand so they can relate to what I’ve been through cause no one ever seemed to care when I said no or stop or help me.

Hi hope this help me in healing in some way, Daughter of Strong Mom & supported by strong sisters still it made me scared when i faced sexual harassment at my office . It was new city new job got so much support from office people around joined this company in Date , shifted to City 1 from City 2 in Date 2 till Date 3 everything was great till that dreadful Date 4 came in i was at my highest & happiest point in my job being HR Manager in that company people being happy everyone being so supportive but i never knew the CEO is harboring ill intention towards me. 1) Date 5: - One fine day CEO called me for one-on-one lunch at restaurant opposite to our office. These 1-1’s are done with core committee members of which I was also a part. During that lunch he asked me personal probing questions like why & when did I get divorced (he already knew about my divorce), how bad my marriage was? Why I have never forgiven my husband? Such questions were too intrusive and made me really uncomfortable. 2) Date 6: - We were in our office and about to leave for home at around Time, CEO, who lives close to my house, for the first time, offered to drop me home. I accepted his offer as it was late, and on the way, he suddenly asked me to join him for a one-on-one dinner at Restaurant which I accepted. During this dinner, CEO spoke unfavourably about my reporting manager and his wife, which made me feel uneasy. He was very demeaning about her work and overall thinking, claiming that she doesn’t understand anything about business and life. 3) Right Next day of this incident: - The following day, in the morning hours of office , CEO saw me and his wife my reporting manager discussing something and immediately called me to his cabin and specifically instructed me not to mention about our dinner on the previous night to his wife as he had told her that he was out dining with a friend. I was caught in a dilemma and didn’t know what to tell her. It was clear that CEO had lied to his wife about our dinner. This event was discomforting to me as I could not understand why he would lie to his wife about this. 4) 2 days later: - CEO asked me & 3 other senior female employees to join for a dinner after office. During this dinner, I received a call from his wife which I missed as I was engrossed in a discussion. Then she made call to one of the other senior female who received her call and informed her that we were all out for dinner with CEO. As soon as he realised this, he was furious and shouted at that senior female employee for receiving his wife’s call and telling her about the dinner plan. This was very weird for me as I could not understand why he would do such a thing. Then other senior female told me that I should not worry about it too much and not take this personally because my reporting manager comes from village mentality so she always doubted CEO & his intentions. After our dinner CEO again offered to drop me home. We were only the two of us in the car wherein He again started demeaning and making derogatory comments about his wife and suggested that I should not share anything with her as she would not understand due to her "small village mentality’’, which again made me uncomfortable. This was the first time when I realised that CEO says such things about his wife to every one at company & people believe him blindly. 5) Date 7: - We had a team dinner party , wherein I was talking to my other colleagues and I did speak a lot to one of the COO that evening, which was observed by CEO who then confronted me and asked me not to befriend anyother COO or spend too much time with them. 6) Same week: - CEO asked me 2nd time to join him for one-on-one dinnerduring which he repeated those negative comments about his wife and specifically mentioned that “she does not love company the way he does” . CEO also claimed that “no one in leadership team understood him due to their orthodox thinking”. He once again offered to drop me home and, on our way, back from dinner. He started touching my shoulders & hands inappropriately, which I immediately told him not to do so and very clearly explained that I am already in relationship & these things are making me very uncomfortable to which he responded saying Ok and stopped doing it then. 7) After couple of days: - He again asked me out for dinner and mentioned that this was his way to apologise for the events that occurred a couple of days ago. He also assured me that he would not drink during the meal. He also apologised during the dinner for his behaviour. During this dinner I clearly expressed my discomfort about being alone with him & refused to go for any more one on one dinners with him. He remained silent and then dropped me back home. 8) In the same week: - After an office party , CEO was drunk and made unwanted advances towards me while driving me back home. He stopped his car on the way to my home, and spoke about how the rest of COO’s were taking advantage of his friendship & sometimes he feels lonely. He then tried to hold my hand and leaned towards me, which made me uncomfortable and I warned him then that I would report him if he continued to behave inappropriately with me. After listening to this he remained silent and dropped me home. After each incident next day he would come & appologise & ask for forgiveness in name of his childrens which really made me in very trapped place those times. 9) Last week of Date 2: - During an office party , I observed CEO was rubbing shoulders of another female junior colleague which made me uncomfortable and furious as I had realised his ill intentions towards me and maybe he was harbouring similar ill intentions towards other female colleagues. I felt helpless and trapped and was not able to explain to others what was happening to me. So, I stormed out of cafeteria & all the rest of the female colleagues came after me to ask why I had left. Then I requested some of the ladies for a smoke break downstairs in which one of Senior employee also accompanied us and enquired about my reaction as to why I came out and was insisting on leaving the party immediately. While we were there till around Time 2, CEO came down and asked Admin Manager, to bring his car around and started insisting that I should get in the car with him so that he can drop me home, to which I shouted that I did not want to be alone in the car with him. Despite my protests, nobody seemed to be listening. I then said that if any other female gets in the car, only then would I get in. Eventually, on eof the lady accompanied me, but even in the car, I was crying and was furious when CEO attempted to touch my shoulder. I told him not to touch me. At that moment, female colleague of mine who was seated in the rear seat, whispered to me, asking why I was reacting like this, stating that he was the CEO and could fire us the next day. We just took a round in the car and came back to the office. I felt helpless and went back upstairs to office cafeteria. He then threatened me not to create a scene and insisted he would drop me home, which he did. Later that same night, I shared these events with my boyfriend, who suggested that I should report this officially and quit my job. 10) Next day only: - I confronted CEO in his office and informed him that I wished to quit my job. He tried to convince me that I had misunderstood everything; but then went on to threaten me that I would face serious consequences if I reported anything, especially to his wife . He also stated that I could never refuse to attend office parties or deny him when he would offer a ride. I realised that I was completely trapped and was being harassed. 11) Same week: - When my boyfriend came to pick me up CEO lterally stopped me & forced me to stay and have dinner with the team at the office cafeteria, but I stood firm and left for the day. 12) Date 8: - CEO asked me to come to his cabin and told me ‘‘we will go to other city as we also have hiring activities scheduled there” to which I immediately asked who else would accompany us during this visit? He then mentioned that “nobody can come as they are all busy with something”. He sensed my hesitation and then clearly said “That he is really attracted tiwards me & want to have sex with me”. Hearing this I immediately left the cabin and went into another cabin where he followed me and tried to convince me. This is where I again made it very clear that I was not interested in anything like this as I was in a committed relationship and that he was crossing the line and making me uncomfortable to which he quickly apologized. However, I no longer felt safe around him and insisted to him that there should be always be another person present whenever I needed to communicate with him as one on one communication with him in his cabin or anywhere else was harassing and uncomfortable. After that incident of me outrightly rejecting his advances, his behaviour towards me took a turn for the worse. He began to disrespect and target me in the presence of the leadership team. Whenever I brought this up as a concern to my reporting manager on any COO's, they dismissed it by saying that when CEO is in a bad mood, he talks like that, and suggested that I should approach him individually to resolve the issue. However, when I tried to ask CEO why was he behaving this way he told me very clearly that it’s his choice to treat someone differently without any reason. 13) Last week of Date 9: - During an HR meeting with the leadership team, he very rudely and incorrectly stated that I do not do my work & simply make up excuses & stories around it. Although I remained quiet at the time, I later expressed to to few of the senior employees at office that I couldn't tolerate this kind of disrespectful behaviour towards me. But they all dismissed it by saying that CEO's behaves like that with everyone, but I told them that I expect to be treated with professional respect. One of the guy even suggested that I take some time off during the upcoming holiday to reflect on how I should be dealing with this toxic behaviour. 14) By next week: - I had to take a sick leave because I wasn't feeling well and was mentally stressed out. On that day, CEO made my reporting manager do a conference call on my phone and in front of her, he upfrontly mocked me for my sick leave. This comment made me feel even more stressed out as it seemed like he was taunting me. Furthermore, whenever he was in the office, he specifically wanted me to be physically present at work even though we follow a hybrid work model, and this caused me additional stress. 15) Month end of Date 9: - I was feeling harassed, disrespected, tortured and trapped and could not take it anymore. I decided to confide in our company Titled Person about CEO's behaviour as we do have POSH law being followed at our company. Even she agreed that CEO behaviour towards me had changed drastically, and asked if I wanted to report it. However, she also questioned how I would prove it and expressed concerns about this ruining CEO family if I were to report it to IC comittee. Her response made me change my mind about reporting the incident, and She personally assured me that she would speak with CEO so that he would not repeat such behaviour towards me again. Although I felt somewhat reassured, looking back, now I realize that I may have been manipulated and should have reported the incident to the LCC at that time itself. 16) Date 10: - During our office photoshoot, post Client Servicing team’s meeting in CEO asked rest of the team to leave and asked only me to stay back & apologised to me one-on one stating that he was having some issues in his personal life due to which he behaved inappropriately with me. I again reminded him that I have already asked to have third person involved in every discussion as I’m not at all comfortable being alone in the same space as him. I also mentioned that I was not interested in his personal life and want to strictly maintain a professional working relationship. 17) Date 11: - CEO continuously insisted that I have alcohol with him during our company's Annual Day Award ceremony , even in front of others, despite my clear refusal. He was literally mocking me in front of the hotel staff at the bar. Later that night, I was conversing with team where CEO came suddenly & stayed back to spend some time with team, during that time one of the guy asked CEO whether it was right or wrong for a married man to have feelings for another woman outside of his marriage. CEO looked at me and stated that he believes it is not wrong to have such feelings, but it depends on whether the woman shares those feelings, and it would not be wrong until they start a relationship. This statement again made me uncomfortable, and I left the room after a few minutes. 18) In Date 12 during my appraisal time: - In CEO's cabin, in my one on one conversation he threatened me again about reporting any personal incidents with anybody, and mentioned that my reporting to Titled Person could have resulted in my termination within two days. He then subtly threatened me to stop reporting things and stated that he had made moves in the past that had caused others to leave company voluntarily. Therefore, if I wanted to secure my job as long as he sits in that chair, I had to do what he says blindly, without giving feedback, asking no questions, and refraining from reporting or sharing things with anyone, particularly with his wife/my reporting Manager. Same evening, we also had a small party in the office cafeteria, while we were in the cafeteria, CEO made a statement in presence of more than 15 employees which was clearly directed at me saying “As a guy, he believes if a guy expresses his feelings to a girl and she says she's not interested or just wants to be friends, it's a tactic from the girl's side to make the guy chase her. This was really frustrating and pathetic to say the least. It made me feel nauseous and uncomfortable again. Later on, I went downstairs with few ladies to smoke and get some fresh air. CEO followed us and asked other ladies to share smoke. During that time, he looked at me and made a comment, "Remember last time when we were standing here, she was crying. She was sad that day, wasn't she?" One of the female employee corrected him, saying that” I was angry but didn't share the reason why”. CEO then looked at me and asked me “why I was angry”. It made me feel like he was mocking me, and all the negative memories came rushing back. I simply replied that” I didn't want to talk about it” and left the party shortly after. 19) Coming Monday: - I resigned from my position and had a detailed one-on-one conversation with bothTitled Person & My reporting Manager where I explained the harassment I had been experiencing since Date 1. My reporting manager acknowledged that she had suspected something was happening and had confronted CEO about it, but he denied everything. My reporting manager/ his wife now had proof and asked me to confront him with her as there have been issues in their married life & they have been in counselling where she always failed to prove what CEO/her hisband is doing wrong, for this I reminded her that as my reporting manager, I was sharing my reasons and asked if she could guarantee my safety, to which she couldn't give an answer. Therefore,they both requested me to write everything in an email only keeping it marked to them & CC to CEO & not to keep any other COO’s marked in mail and let both pf them conduct an investigation or discussion. As it had become a hostile work environment for me, I felt that my only option was to resign.They never did any investigation or discussion i just left in one day not stating any reason to the team which later made other employees reaching out to me as they all were being told that i was not able to handly my job responsibilities so i just left. After this incident it was almost 7 days i just locked myself in my bedroom not able to eat sleep properly as i was so depressed then my friends suggested to take help from counsellor & should report it to rigth authority which i did, after few days some former female employees contacted me and shared that harassment cases have been occurring in that company for a long time by other male employees too, but no one wants to report them as the people in leadership and some old employees including old female employees are also involved in covering up such cases. The harassment I experienced has left me severely depressed and caused me to lose significant achievements in my career, ultimately resulting in me losing my job. All of this is simply because I refused to engage in any of sexual advances. It is so sad & unfortunate that we are still not getting right support to face such sexal harassments & even females are nbeing part of covering up such harrassments. Hope the enquiry done by authorities yield some positive result but till now their is no response of notice sent to company's CEO, he is living freely & do no care as he is also aware that no body will stand with victim as his own wife can not take stand. I only wish if women become more stronger & authentic in helping each other.