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I was raped by my ex and I feel like I will never be the same. I had just turned 18 when we met and he turned 21 the next month. We dated for 10 months and had contact for a month and a half after the breakup. He started off fine then after about 5 months he made me feel dependent on him. He started separating me from friends and after that he tried to pull me away from my family. He would tell me he didn't "like how much I talked to my mom about him" and I "make him seem like the bad guy". I was only ever talking to her about whenever he did something that deeply upset me and I didn't know how to handle the situation. He would do the same to this older woman he was online friends with for 3 years. She was in her mid 30s. We lived in one state and after a job fell through on our 6 months mark, he moved 12 hours away back to his home state to live with his grandpa again. I visited on month 7 and then in month 8 I graduated high school and had summer break before going to college. So, he came for my graduation and then in June (month 9) I went to be in his home state with him until the first week of August to go to school. This is when things went from bad to worse. These next 3 months of my life were the worst in ways I can't even describe. When we went back to his state he started to groom me to be okay with abuse. He stopped taking no as an answer and it turned into "it'll be quick" or "only a couple strokes". So I started giving in. When we first started dating we decided that CNC was okay but we needed to talk about it the night before. that disappeared. He would wake me up in the middle of the night and I would say no or sometimes act like I was sleeping extra heavy. When I said no it was the same lines until I gave in. If I played asleep he would proceed to try to violate me but I would "sleep roll over" away from him or on a couple occasions I just shoved him off me and laid facing away. This was almost every night. It was the same routine. I had nobody in that state to talk about it and my family and friends were back in my state. I would call them when I could but he would always talk over the top of me until they stopped wanting to call. I'd call whenever he was at work but they also had their own lives so it was never long. I never text anyone the issues because I was afraid he would see them and leave me. (I was so anxiously attached to him that I would have severe panic attacks at the thought of him leaving me). This was all in month 9. At the time I didn't realize it was rape or sexual assault. I thought since we were in a relationship it was normal. I didn't have the best figures to look to with relationships and so I just went with it. It was either the end of June or beginning of July that he, what I considered, raped me. I had got off work and came home just absolutely tired. I couldn't move I was so tired. He woke me up in the middle of the night. I said no. He kept touching me. I said I didn't want to do anything. He rolled me on my stomach and he took off my underwear and it wasn't until he put himself inside of me that I realized what was happening. I rolled over away from him to get him off. He huffed and flopped down next to me and ignored me that night. The next day I told him he tried to rape me, and he told me I was over reacting and called me names. I shut up. Date we broke up because my mom told him to be a man and stop making me cry (on a phone call). I seen the look in his eyes change then. He went from being someone who told me he loved me to looking at me pure emotionless. He broke up with me and bought me a flight home for Date and Time. He worked from 7p-7a that day so we decided I would take the only vehicle to the airport and then he would get a ride to it after work. On Date after he broke up with me..he pointed a loaded gun at me. I was packing everything and him and his older woman friend were belittling me for 5 hours. I had no where else to go so I kept my mouth shut and did what I could. I was laying on the bed and he was joking with me while I was on my phone. He then got super serious, walked over to the shotgun that was by his night stand and pointed the gun at me. He put his finger on the trigger and acted like he was going to shoot me. I thought he was joking at the time and dismissed him. The look of pure hatred in his eyes is something I will never forget. It's something I dream about still, a year and a half later, and a look I'd never wish on my worst enemy. The person I loved had the look of wanting to kill me in his eyes, but I didn't register just how much danger I was in until days later. After that he tried to make me sleep on a roach infested floor and acted like I was a dog before finally letting me sleep in his bed for the night. During that night I couldn't sleep. Every other night we slept right up against each other and because of all the crap that had happened that day I couldn't sleep, just cry. I kept going and calling my mom having panic attacks all night. Every time i'd get back in bed, if I even so much as pressed my back against his he would shove me so hard I hit the wall. But I still kept trying just to have something. The next morning we woke up and he wanted to have sex with me. I told him I just wanted to cuddle because I needed comfort....He told me if I had sex with him he would. I cried, the entire time. I felt so dirty. I felt miserable. Ashamed. Disgusted. He told me halfway through "at least act like you're enjoying it". I showed 4 times that day. Just to feel clean again. I didn't feel clean for the next month after that. I called my mom sobbing again. She tried to comfort me and told me how strong I was and that I only had less than 24 hours left....7 came. He took the car. He told me to figure it out. I had no money and I couldn't get an uber to take me. I missed my flight. The next morning he did the same thing with sex again. This time I turned my head to the wall and as soon as he was done I showered. 5 times I washed myself. Over. And over again. The next morning he had shoved me so hard into the wall for accidently brushing against him in my sleep that I thought my nose was going to bleed. I called my mom and begged her to come get me. I couldn't do it anymore. My mother and grandmother dropped everything and drove the full 12 hours on 2 hours of sleep to come get me. I told my ex I'd be leaving that day and he begged me to stay and started acting like the person I'd thought I was dating. He took me out to eat (I hadn't since the 9th) and he begged me to run away with him. He did the stuff with sex again but in the middle of it started telling me he loved me and begged me to stay. I told him no. He continued to beg me up until 7 when he had to go to work. When he left for work I did what I could to stay sane. I don't even know how many times I cried. It was horrible. I cried until I physically couldn't anymore. I washed my body until I felt like I scrubbed the first layer of skin off. I did that 3 times. Around 1am that night my family got there. I couldn't even hug them..I didn't want any touch. When I got home my ex would swap from going from love bombing to cussing me out, until finally... He blocked me. After he did that it was like something snapped in me. Like that control he had over me broke. Two days after he blocked me I went to the police station in my state and tried to file charges against him for what he did to me. They were very helpful and helped me get in contact with the department in his state to pursue what I could. I had text messages of him saying he would have killed me that night we broke up. I had told my story in full detail 4 times to 3 different people. Then on day 4 of him blocking me, he unblocked me and begged for me back. I recorded a phone call between he and I talking about him raping me, threatening me, pointing a gun at me, and then I told him to leave me the fuck alone. I sent it to the detectives. For a month he and his friends were stalking me and sending me horrible messages, which I sent to detectives. I blocked everyone and waited. 11 months after the rape and me escaping, and 10 months after finally the report later I had no response. No call backs, no returning my voicemails or emails. No nothing. So I called the chief in his state to get answers. Finally I heard back. My evidence was circumstantial, we were dating so it was harder to prove, that I didn't do a kit so they had no physical evidence, and the best one was him telling me I never called the cops. I tried to explain that I was 12 hours from everything I knew, with a man who pointed a gun at me and made me do all sorts of things and I was worried about surviving at that moment. It didn't matter. This was in the middle of July of this year. Since then I've been trying to find legal sources that could help me press charges and so far...nothing has worked for me. It's been a year a half and I still have reoccurring nightmares. I still have PTSD episodes from certain actions and phrases. I have a wonderful boyfriend of 10 months and a beautiful dog that we adopted together. But with having so much now there is still so many feelings I have. And I have nobody to talk to about these feelings. My boyfriend tries to be there for me but he doesn't understand my feelings on the level that I need someone to understand. I feel so alone..I feel like I will never be the same, or even remotely the same, since before my ex. I'm now 20 and somedays I don't know if I'll make it to 21. But I have a fire lit in me and I want justice. I want my ex to not be able to hurt another woman the way he hurt me or get no punishment. I think that fire and my boyfriend and dog are what keeps me going and is what will keep me going until I can say that I'm finally living for myself and not for someone else.

I could never remember my childhood well, even as a kid. But I started to be hypersexual at 3, and so thats when I believe me and my brother started touching (hes 3 and a half years older). When I was 12 I remembered and told my parents, my mom freaked out and screamed at me. She said it was my fault and that it wasn't too bad if I didn't tell anyone. I fear thats she's right. When I was 14 and in deep psychosis, I felt like there was more to remember. I started to feel my brother's hands over my body and mouth. I remembered us having sex 3 times. The first time when I was 6 and the last when I was 8. One of those times he was hitting me and pinning me. I dont know how real those memories are because I recovered them in psychosis. I started doing really bad cus all I could think about was me and my brother fucking. A couple of months ago I remembered my brother fucking me with his hands around my neck (which was painful). Im so scared that really happened because I see my brother daily and hes my best friend. Im worried ill remember more.

Last year I was gang raped. I have an ear ringing called tinnitus that has not stopped since. I have nightmares. I flew with my mom to a wedding overseas. I was excited. She would be busy with her friends and cousin and I would get to spend time with my awesome second cousin who is two years older than me. After the rehearsal dinner we went out. It was fun because I was not legally able to drink there even though the age was lower than in my province, but they did not check ID’s. I did not drink much because it was not my thing and I had a boyfriend but I was able to go to some bars then a club attached to a hotel. So much fun up to when we met two soldiers in uniform who were cute and separated us from her friends because of our looks. My cousin is stunning beautiful. They had a private room at the club and several soldiers were there and two prostitutes also. Those prostitutes definitely hated us being there. I wanted to get out anyway and the cute ones that invited us acted like they understood and took us out of there. We stupidly let them take us to their hotel room where they totally dropped the cute romantic act and made us strip our clothes to music. They showed us a gun they had in a drawer. I was terrified. They made us lay on our stomachs bent over the bed side by side and had sex with us that way. They switched like we were interchangeable before finishing in us with no protection. We held hands. I was crying while my cousin was trying to be strong and cheer me up. We weren’t allowed to leave and our clothes were hidden. Before took our phones we had to text that we were staying at my cousin’s friend’s house. Then they called two other soldiers, one of them a huge tall dark guy with body builder muscles. He was the worst to me. They made us dance and then we had to use our mouths on the cute ones that had lured us there while the other two had sex with us. I vomited and my cousin cleaned it up but then it started again. They had cocaine and made us sniff it off their parts and sniffed it off us. Another one came and I think it was just those five during the night but they kept raping us and making us do things even when we would pass out. I would like to have been more unconscious but cocaine makes you so awake. I want to remember less and think about it all less. We showered many times. The big dark one peed on me and in my mouth the shower. He did it more than once like I was his toilet. The other men even had to tell him to chill out when he was making me scream liking his fingers and pushing them in my arse, but not when he made me crawl around like a dog using my hair as a leash. I remember one of them calling their friends to tell them to turn all their t.v.’s way up to hide the noise in our room. They watched sports news on the t.v. They had me and my cousin kiss each other and stuff. I could not act like it was a fun party like my cousin did sometimes and encouraged me to do. She tried to take some of their attention away from me over and over. I love her for it but they did not leave me alone. My chest is something they were obsessed with. They did not care that I was obviously distressed and freaking out or that in my country I was three years below the age of consent. There I was the minimum. We woke up in the morning on one the beds together with only the two soldiers sleeping on the floor. The black one was gone! They had sex with us again and another man who was much older and who they called SIR came in and had sex with both us but mostly me. They cheered him on and my head was pounding and I was crying and it seemed to last forever. Finally we got our clothes back but they took us for brunch wearing their normal clothes. They showed me pictures on their phones that made it look like I was having fun and warned us how bad it would be if we said anything different than we had a nice party. A nice party in hell! Before that I’d had sex with only my 1 boyfriend ever. One night of hell and now my number was seven!! We had to start getting ready for the wedding right away and I was exhausted. My cousin hid me and I took a nap in my dress, hair and makeup until the last minute. I cried in the ceremony but not for the wedding. I was so sore in my vagina, muscles, and brain that I got so drunk at the reception I barely remember any of it. Just part of being on the plane home. I told my mom the truth when I got back and she got all crazy, so did my dad, and they tried to call over there and the hotel and such but there was nothing the police would do. I saw my dad cry for the first time as I told the whole story. My boyfriend could not handle it and dumped me. I go to group and do therapy. I take a pill everyday and now benzo’s for break through anxiety. I try to hide my large chest under baggy clothes where before I used it for attention. STUPID! My cousin does not seem to have the trauma I do or the nightmares. In her country they are done with secondary school up to two years before us and are more treated like adults sooner. I said mean things to her once because of it. She forgave me but we talk much less since I asked if she has gang bangs all the time. I felt terrible because she even let them have anal sex with her to lure them away from me. I could tell it hurt her so much but at the time was just thinking about my own survival. My childhood is OVER but I do not feel like an adult. Her advice is -Don’t let it get you so down-. Like I have a choice in this!! She went to a therapist ONCE because her mom made the appointment and does not plan to go back. Her life did not really change!! She works reception at a tech company and models on the side and still goes to parties and clubs and dates. How??? It is unbelievable how attitudes toward something like this can be so different in different countries. I am a victim now and I usually feel like it. Definitely damaged. Everybody at my school knows why. I am THAT girl. My new more mature boyfriend is understanding but I feel like a sad little burden to him. I am hypersexual sometimes now and can’t help it. It is a coping mechanism that happens to some victims of sexual assault. I did not ask for it. I worry my boyfriend can’t trust me because of it. I had an older guy friend who’s been my neighbor for years take advantage of me after I told him the story of what happened at his house. We had sex and then he felt guilty for being turned on by my rape story. He admitted it and asked me to forgive him. The sex helped me calm the ear ringing for just short time periods so I did it with him more than once a day for a bit until my dad started to suspect something and talked to him. Since then I don’t trust myself. I want to marry my boyfriend in large part just to protect myself and show him I love him and am loyal even though I am not sure I can be. I worry I cannot love like a normal person. I worry I push him away being too needy and wanting to marry him so soon. I need him more than he needs me. Is that the way it will always be in relationships for rape victims??? I work hard at school not to ruin my future. It is so hard to focus. My ears ring constantly. Thank you for listening.

He was my 18 year old brother. I was 15. Every night for five nights I never said anything. I just lay there and closed my eyes and waited for it to be over. After the first night I started locking my door and pretending to be asleep when he picked the lock but it didn’t stop him. He only stopped when I started hiding in my bathroom until 1 am when I knew he was asleep. I’m older now, an adult, and I still live with the consequences of me not telling anyone every day. The people I told later try to convince me it wasn’t my fault and they are probably right but I can’t believe it for myself. That first night he did it ruined me, I am a different person than before and I don’t know how to go back. I grew up always learning how to defended him and his actions because he was autistic and my parents favorite. Now I can’t let go that learned behavior and I keep making excuses for him in my head. I regret every time I’ve ever told someone because that makes them hate him.

I want to be a source of hope to the hopeless