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Last year I was gang raped. I have an ear ringing called tinnitus that has not stopped since. I have nightmares. I flew with my mom to a wedding overseas. I was excited. She would be busy with her friends and cousin and I would get to spend time with my awesome second cousin who is two years older than me. After the rehearsal dinner we went out. It was fun because I was not legally able to drink there even though the age was lower than in my province, but they did not check ID’s. I did not drink much because it was not my thing and I had a boyfriend but I was able to go to some bars then a club attached to a hotel. So much fun up to when we met two soldiers in uniform who were cute and separated us from her friends because of our looks. My cousin is stunning beautiful. They had a private room at the club and several soldiers were there and two prostitutes also. Those prostitutes definitely hated us being there. I wanted to get out anyway and the cute ones that invited us acted like they understood and took us out of there. We stupidly let them take us to their hotel room where they totally dropped the cute romantic act and made us strip our clothes to music. They showed us a gun they had in a drawer. I was terrified. They made us lay on our stomachs bent over the bed side by side and had sex with us that way. They switched like we were interchangeable before finishing in us with no protection. We held hands. I was crying while my cousin was trying to be strong and cheer me up. We weren’t allowed to leave and our clothes were hidden. Before took our phones we had to text that we were staying at my cousin’s friend’s house. Then they called two other soldiers, one of them a huge tall dark guy with body builder muscles. He was the worst to me. They made us dance and then we had to use our mouths on the cute ones that had lured us there while the other two had sex with us. I vomited and my cousin cleaned it up but then it started again. They had cocaine and made us sniff it off their parts and sniffed it off us. Another one came and I think it was just those five during the night but they kept raping us and making us do things even when we would pass out. I would like to have been more unconscious but cocaine makes you so awake. I want to remember less and think about it all less. We showered many times. The big dark one peed on me and in my mouth the shower. He did it more than once like I was his toilet. The other men even had to tell him to chill out when he was making me scream liking his fingers and pushing them in my arse, but not when he made me crawl around like a dog using my hair as a leash. I remember one of them calling their friends to tell them to turn all their t.v.’s way up to hide the noise in our room. They watched sports news on the t.v. They had me and my cousin kiss each other and stuff. I could not act like it was a fun party like my cousin did sometimes and encouraged me to do. She tried to take some of their attention away from me over and over. I love her for it but they did not leave me alone. My chest is something they were obsessed with. They did not care that I was obviously distressed and freaking out or that in my country I was three years below the age of consent. There I was the minimum. We woke up in the morning on one the beds together with only the two soldiers sleeping on the floor. The black one was gone! They had sex with us again and another man who was much older and who they called SIR came in and had sex with both us but mostly me. They cheered him on and my head was pounding and I was crying and it seemed to last forever. Finally we got our clothes back but they took us for brunch wearing their normal clothes. They showed me pictures on their phones that made it look like I was having fun and warned us how bad it would be if we said anything different than we had a nice party. A nice party in hell! Before that I’d had sex with only my 1 boyfriend ever. One night of hell and now my number was seven!! We had to start getting ready for the wedding right away and I was exhausted. My cousin hid me and I took a nap in my dress, hair and makeup until the last minute. I cried in the ceremony but not for the wedding. I was so sore in my vagina, muscles, and brain that I got so drunk at the reception I barely remember any of it. Just part of being on the plane home. I told my mom the truth when I got back and she got all crazy, so did my dad, and they tried to call over there and the hotel and such but there was nothing the police would do. I saw my dad cry for the first time as I told the whole story. My boyfriend could not handle it and dumped me. I go to group and do therapy. I take a pill everyday and now benzo’s for break through anxiety. I try to hide my large chest under baggy clothes where before I used it for attention. STUPID! My cousin does not seem to have the trauma I do or the nightmares. In her country they are done with secondary school up to two years before us and are more treated like adults sooner. I said mean things to her once because of it. She forgave me but we talk much less since I asked if she has gang bangs all the time. I felt terrible because she even let them have anal sex with her to lure them away from me. I could tell it hurt her so much but at the time was just thinking about my own survival. My childhood is OVER but I do not feel like an adult. Her advice is -Don’t let it get you so down-. Like I have a choice in this!! She went to a therapist ONCE because her mom made the appointment and does not plan to go back. Her life did not really change!! She works reception at a tech company and models on the side and still goes to parties and clubs and dates. How??? It is unbelievable how attitudes toward something like this can be so different in different countries. I am a victim now and I usually feel like it. Definitely damaged. Everybody at my school knows why. I am THAT girl. My new more mature boyfriend is understanding but I feel like a sad little burden to him. I am hypersexual sometimes now and can’t help it. It is a coping mechanism that happens to some victims of sexual assault. I did not ask for it. I worry my boyfriend can’t trust me because of it. I had an older guy friend who’s been my neighbor for years take advantage of me after I told him the story of what happened at his house. We had sex and then he felt guilty for being turned on by my rape story. He admitted it and asked me to forgive him. The sex helped me calm the ear ringing for just short time periods so I did it with him more than once a day for a bit until my dad started to suspect something and talked to him. Since then I don’t trust myself. I want to marry my boyfriend in large part just to protect myself and show him I love him and am loyal even though I am not sure I can be. I worry I cannot love like a normal person. I worry I push him away being too needy and wanting to marry him so soon. I need him more than he needs me. Is that the way it will always be in relationships for rape victims??? I work hard at school not to ruin my future. It is so hard to focus. My ears ring constantly. Thank you for listening.

At the end of my freshman year of college, I was at a house party. Towards the end of the night, after I had already been drinking, I said I wanted to go smoke and a guy who had been interested in me asked if he could come with me. We were friends at the time so I agreed. We went to the area in the back, which was an enclosed greenhouse-type porch and no one was back there. After we finished smoking, he leaned in and kissed me. I was shocked but went along with it at first. He proceeded to kiss me more intensely and started to touch me. Feeling uncomfortable, I stopped and told him I wanted to go inside. I sat at a table inside and he was next to me. I started feeling the high from smoking as I was having a conversation with my friends who were right across from me. Suddenly I felt his hand move up my thigh and he proceeded to rub me over my shorts. I was in frozen in shock thinking, "what the fuck is happening right now? This is really weird and i'm not enjoying this. Am I too high to do something right now? There are so many people around me. and no one knows what is happening. What is going on?" After a what felt like forever I felt him try to go in my shorts and that's when I snapped out of it and just looked at him. I didn't know what to say, and I don't really remember what happened at this point. I was just. in shock. He said something to me, I probably said something back, and then he just walked away. The day after I cried and had breakdowns in the bathrooms of the student center. I was confused and conflicted with myself trying to process what had happened. I felt like it was my fault because I googled things like "what constitutes as sexual assault/harassment?" because I wasn't sure if what i had gone through had "counted." I thought that since it was only touching it wasn't a big deal. I thought that because I was under the influence it was my fault. That I shouldn't have been that fucked up. That I shouldn't have been leading him on and making him think that I was into him. That I should protect him because he was friends with so many of my friends. But at the end of it all, HE WAS IN THE WRONG. I WAS PUT IN A SITUATION WHERE I WAS UNCOMFORTABLE AND HE HAD VIOLATED ME IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE. I'm here to say that no matter the action, no matter how small, if you were violated your feelings are VALID. If you did not give consent and you felt uncomfortable, it IS ASSAULT. It is still your story. YOUR trauma that you have to live with. Do not brush it off or belittle it because you don't feel like it's worthy of being labeled. You are worthy. You deserve to be heard.

DECADES When I was 22 years old, I was on a college campus with my finance and decided to go out to the car at 11 pm to get the left over cake we had brought from dinner. I man walked near me and I said hi, and proceeded to get the cake. The man came up behind me and flipped me to the ground trying to rape me. I screamed, time slowed down and I remember hearing my Mom say that my car keys are a weapon so I started jabbing him with them. I struggled free, ran to a building, falling on my way. A driver arrived who heard my screams from blocks away and the police were called. The police even thought they got him and showed me several photos of similar looking men, but I couldn’t make a positive id, so he was set free. After this sexual assault, I bought a gun, moved in with my fiancé, took self-defense classes, read books, saw a psychologist who diagnosed me with PTSD due to overwhelming anxiety that paralyzed me. The world was no longer safe. It resulted in triggers, and brought back my first sexual assault as a teenager in a crowded bus in another country of an older man pressing his erection against me as I keep moving away from him toward the front of the bus, until I finally found another teenage who I could sit on her lap to get this stranger to stop. It has been 64 years since I was attacked in that parking lot. I have been happily married for 64 years and have a positive self image. BUT, I still can’t wear skirts. I still can’t go in parking lots alone at night and am uneasy going anywhere at night. I can’t watch a movie or play that has sexual assault or the anxiety becomes overwhelming. I still own the same gun.

my brother SA'd me multiple times. he never raped me, though. he once forced me to kiss him on the mouth as a "game" of some sorts. he would also smack my ass, call me a slut, and shame me for everything. before he got on medication, he would beat me up. he's on medication now, but he's still terrible. he got mad at me and said he would gangrape me. he never did, but it was still scary. i hate him, and he says i'm a bad person for hating him. he also denied ever SAing me. sometimes i feel like i'm delusional or something. i don't know, i'm just tired of living with him. i can't wait for him to move out.

Hello! I don't know how to go about this at all, but I know I need to put it out there. I am a lesbian over 21 years of age, and I experienced rape and sexual assault by my last lesbian partner. I apologize if this is long, but if anyone reads this, it's greatly appreciated! I met my ex last January, and we texted for about a month before we had our first date. the first date went well, nothing concerning. The second date, which was 2-3 days after our first one, was where it all started. I didn't mind that she kissed me first, but I got nervous when she told me she wanted to take it to the backseat. She started to grope me and to palm me through my clothing before eventually trying to get her hand in my jeans. I stopped her and told her I wasn't comfortable doing any of that yet. Her response was "Oh, but eventually you will want to, right?" and to that I said "yes, but not right now." She continued anyway. That's the moment I look back on and wish I had left. I stayed. Maybe a date or two pass without her doing anything concerning again before there's another incident. We are in her car outside her workplace for an event we chose to go to. There are people on the street. She starts making out with me, to which I feel icky about bc people can probably see us and it's not appropriate. This time she starts to palm me through my skirt again, and at this point I kind of don't remember much other than me saying that I was scared and nervous, and it doesn't seem safe, and her coercing me. Before I know it, she has her hand down my underwear and is raping me. we didn't go to the event. we left and she told me next time she could find a secluded place. she never did. and that's where it all started. over the next 5 months she would rape me in her car every single chance she could. every single time I told her I wasn't comfortable. I would wear tight underwear, but she would still do everything to do it. if she didn't, she would get mad and stonewall me. but there was never once where it wasn't attempted. the worst night was maybe a month after it all started. again, in her backseat. it was in a fairly public parking lot, she tried to cover the windows with clothes, but it was still obviously visible. she made me lay down and take off all my bottoms and completely spread open. it was so humiliating. she then proceeded to violently rape me so bad and painful I was crying and holding on my screams bc I didn't want to bring attention to the situation or possibly get in trouble. I told her I was comfortable and that I wanted to scream but she just threw a cloth over my face so I wouldn't focus on it. after I had to put my clothes back on and I ruined them. I was in pain for maybe up to a weel after or a bit more. now I wish I had gotten evidence of that night, but I have none. In total I think it happened around 14 times. the same care situations in public that I hated. during the relationship I was blinded to an extent, and I didn't realize it counted as rape until after we broke up. At first, I had accepted what happened but now I have a new partner. my new partner coincidentally works with my rapist ex. ever since finding that out I feel completely distraught and suffocated by what she did to me. Not only that. before finding out they worked together they sat next to each other and were becoming friends. so my ex told my current gf how I am a terrible person and that she's afraid of me. they don't speak anymore. I don't know I just feel suffocated by it all. she also has a new gf. I wish I could tell her new gf to be careful, but I'm scared. in my community there's so much stigma around rape and homosexuality. I don't think I could ever safely publicly come out with my story as much as I want to. she completely changed my life. it's like I don't know how to be myself anymore and I feel like I'm going insane.

i have autism and i had been raped in my old class by a old man that looked like Putin, his face looked familiar but i can't verify it because i had never went to the hospital for rape check expect other things, i was having urinary incontinence for months and after months when the female police came i told her that my weeks old baby fall down the toilet after taking the pill She didn't write her note. only when she write it when my abusive and manipulated father tell her that i had "paranoia" and bah bah bah with evil-looking voice. i had been verbally abused and mocked after telling my parents about the sexual abuse at my home and then after that i decided to silence myself to avoid being abused again. i just wanna share with you i thought i can't because i was afraid i will get killed and getting taken down, i hate being slienced. i hate the way that my government and social media didn't provide accessible help but i finally found this website that i can share it with you.

There are pieces of different stories that fit my situation. I’m a successful executive and I am so embarrassed that I ignored all the red flags and got myself into this mess. I feel so unworthy, a combination of childhood emotional neglect, sexual assault as a teenager, and a 25 year marriage full of emotional neglect and infidelity. I even feel unworthy of putting myself in the same category as the survivors on this page, like my story isn’t as valid. He is a sexual assault survivor himself; he was molested by an older female cousin when he was little. That was part of the attraction at first. I thought we understood each other’s pain and would help each other heal what still remained. At first the attention felt like caring, like someone finally gave a damn. The requests to text where I was at all times, wanting to track my location and share his, wanting to talk or FaceTime all night on the phone, even sleeping with the call still going, next to me, when we weren’t together. Now I know it was about control and a deep lack of trust. I have learned over time to never look around at a restaurant or I will be accused of staring at another man. I have unfriended most of my male friends on social media and I am afraid to post anything in case one of the remaining ones comments. He demands that I show him any communication from any man on social media. He wants to know my work meeting schedule and gets upset if I don’t text him back right away. One time, he was out of town and my phone wasn’t plugged in correctly so the battery died during the overnight FaceTime call. I panicked when I woke up and realized what had happened, and he was furious with me. He wanted to know if I had cheated between 4 am and 8 am when the phone was dead. And I haven’t asked him to leave yet. I don’t know why. We have almost broken up several times, and every time I believe him that it will be different. It won’t be different. I am exhausted and I don’t recognize myself anymore. I am too ashamed to tell my friends or family the extent of it, although they know things are off.

Hello, I am a victim of physical, mental, emotional, and verbal abuse. For the last for years my kids dad have been abusing me. I’ve tried so many times to escape but every time was not a success. When I have my son the abusing had for but then it started back. When I was pregnant with my daughter I remember me sitting in the couch and he can in the house mad about something somebody told him . I remember saying it’s wasn’t true but then he beat me. I couldn’t do anything but sit there and cover my face and stomach. Recently he broke bones in my face when he punched me. Which in this whole situation got my kids taken from me and also my car

I am new here on this website, but I am not new to being an incest survivor. Over 35 years ago, in the 1960’s, 70’s and 80’s, I was the little girl victim of [entire childhood long] long-term father-upon-daughter incest with a non-supportive, disbelieving mother. It was a long time ago, so I am not in “danger” any longer from my abuser. But the injuries still hurt now and then and the scars are still healing. My mind is still recovering from the insanity that threatened to settle over me stemming from being raised up in that crazymaking, “gaslighting” environment. I woke up one day and could see that it was all just a nightmare from the past that I was allowing to “haunt” me in the present threatening to end my future early. I want to share my story, and I will do so in small portions, for it is far too long for here. As is probably the case with many father-upon-daughter incest survivors, I could write a whole book, no, a trilogy about my childhood and the problems I have had all along throughout my lifespan due that issue. He had a long “tenure” as a child sexual predator since he got started when he was only 5 years old, a sexual addict who loved children until he was of age 70 when he passed away of a fast-acting cancer in 2017. His dark secrets are coming out of the closet since his passing, but my family is still in denial. As I discovered, sometimes skeletons have a way of falling out of the closet on their own. After his passing, my father’s sexual abuse victims, all his siblings, are starting to open up. My father was the youngest sexual predator I have ever heard of. He didn’t become a child rapist in his adult life or develop his predilection due to some quirk in married life, ...he was already a child rapist when he married my mother when he was just 17 years old. My father was a 17 year old child molester-rapist [who sexually abused all five of his own younger siblings, leaving them with lifelong scars and psychological problems]. My father went on to become a highly respected CHP law enforcment officer and a highly respected, church-going, law-abiding [his pubic image, although he broke laws in his private life], tax-paying citizen that everyone revered throughout the small military base and civilian town I grew up in. I have lived out the real-life story of “The Girl Who Cried Wolf”, only I was telling the truth about the “wolf”, who was my father. In the Aesop’s fable, the boy was pranking the villagers, so they didn’t believe him when he really needed them to believe him. I know how it is to be telling the truth about a wolf in sheep’s clothing and no one else can see what he really is. It is very scary. Life-threatening, really. I knew as a child that I had to outsmart my dad if I was ever to “tell” on his dark deeds. But he was always two steps ahead. He always had 2 or 3 lies for each truth I had. I was playing a “rigged game” only I didn’t figure this out until adult life. My father tried to ruin my life and that of all of his siblings and my sister, my children, and any other kids he could get his hands near. I lived and I know the nightmares [figurative and literal] that children live with when their own daddy is the “boogey man” wolf creature that comes in the night, out from the closet or from under the bed, but magically disappears by morning, leaving [virtually] no trace. Since my dad got away with sexually abusing me all those years, I want to open up and expose his sneaky “tactics”. He didn’t get away with sexually abusing me because he was such a genius, so brilliant and talented at illusion and sleight of hand moves. He got away with it because everyone else around him, the adults, were ignorant and duped. I am in favor of using my experience to help to develop a better way to come to the aid of more of these child victims who are trying to find any adult who will hear them and may want to help them. It’s terrible to be held captive in your own home and no one can see it and no one offers to help. You realize you are stuck. Helpless. That ought not to be so. Children should be able to find someone to tell. Police can’t seem to find the “funding” or “man power” to stop these guys. They rarely can ever catch one and put them away, and if they succeed, it is only for a few years before they are back out, resuming their molesting. My life and my journey of healing has brought me to a place where I am done being a recovering victim who considers myself a “survivor”, but I want to be more...I desire to be an “overcomer” who has applied what I know and am [starting to ] make a difference. I want to be part of the solution for other victims who are crying out for help...the help that never came for me and other father-daughter incest survivors, who themselves had to endure “childhood sexual abuse by daddy” because no one saw the signs...because no one was “listening”. I hope to be a part of bringing better solution to the issue of incest than is presently in place...because the present way of addressing this problem is not working. The continuing influx of brand new reports representing all-new cases childhood sexual abuse perpetrated by another father tells us that we are not even close to stemming the tide of this insidious problem that grows behind closed doors. That is all I have to say for now. Thank you for listening.  Sincerely, ~ forthetruth

I was 17 years old and desperate for love and connection. I met someone who showered me with constant attention and I became addicted to that feeling. "Finally someone has chosen me!" I thought. He was very coercive and forceful when it came to sex. I was extremely naive and ultimately was willing to put up with anything in order to be "loved." One time during sex I became so overwhelmed with emotion. The act felt so animalistic and wrong to me. I knew he didn't care about me. I laid there and started to cry. He asked if I would stop crying and hold on until he finished. Which is exactly what he did as I laid there crying, feeling completely numb and empty. Another time I had my period and didn't want to have sex. We were in the back of his car. He ripped my tampon out, threw it out the window, and held me down and told me that he would hurt me if I continued to resist. After it was over I just laid in the backseat with the same numb feeling as he drove me home. Neither one of us spoke a word. These memories, along with other painful ones, play in a loop in my head daily. That same ache has stayed in my soul. I am now 31 years old and am feeling so much anger and sadness over how much this has negatively affected me for all of these years. There is also a loop of negative self-talk that plays in my head: "I will never be normal. I will never be loved. No one will ever understand. I will never have a healthy sex life. No one will ever see me." My experience with him is what led me into the arms of another abuser at the age of 26. I spent almost four years with him until I decided enough is enough. I feel even more damaged and hopeless now than ever before. I have recurrent nightmares that someone is trying to find me and torture/kill me. My insomnia, acne, allergies, and digestive issues have flared. My body feels tight and on edge at all times. I wish so badly that time would heal, but I know that I need to put in the work in order to heal. I am trying. I am so exhausted and can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Dear guy, I still remember the night I told people that I had a “crush on my best guy friend”. I was out with friends downtown to see the Christmas tree. In my attention seeking way I announced that I had a HUGE crush on the tall curly haired boy who happened to be one of my best guy friends. As teenage girls do when someone shares their crush, they swooned over photos of you and giggled as I relayed your best qualities. Truth be told, it wasn’t you. You weren’t the special guy who caught my heart. That was a point in my life where I was so desperate to be loved that I fell for anyone who was even remotely kind to me. And you were. You laughed at my jokes, you let me rant about my anxiety. I was going through one of the hardest times in my life and you showed me kindness. Don’t count yourself special though. If any other man had been there for me I would have fallen for them too. You aren’t unique, you aren’t better than other men. You were there at the right time. That is all. You were taken, anyway. You fancied another girl from the school team, smart and quirky. I was jealous. I listened to you talk about her body and how you yearned to touch her in all of her private places. You juxtaposed those with comments about her socially awkward nature, her lack of style, her uncombed hair. You despised that she refused to accept your affection. Your narcissistic cells craved for her to fall for you. They couldn't wrap their heads around the fact that someone, especially her, didn’t like you back. You complained about it to me and I listened. I told you that you didn’t need her, you could do better. I remember when you and I sat in a bathroom during the homecoming after party, me sitting against the cold tile shower as you ranted about her. Everyone laughed and pointed when we finally came out. Oh how I wished what they thought happened was true. Then, you kissed me! As during our usual hangouts, we were complaining about her. We sat in the back of my car in a parking lot. It was dark on a school night, the specific day of the week has slipped my mind. You complained about being horny and wishing she had done things with you. “Give me a hickey. We can pretend she did it.” My eyes grew wider. No man had ever wanted me sexually before. I panicked. How do I kiss a boy? How do I give a boy a hickey? What if you hated it and never wanted to see me again? “Come on, just do it… come on…” I was suddenly pushed up against the car door. You kissed me. My hands gripped the seat below my tightly. I pulled away. “I- I don’t know if I’m doing this right…” You ignored my obvious discomfort and pushed me against the seat again, kissing more forcefully. “I also need to get home soon, it’s a school night. My mom will be mad if I get home past my curfew.” I said more forcefully this time. “Just one more, don’t tease me like that”. You moved in again… “I can’t, I can’t be home late.” “Just one more. I want you…” I don’t remember how many more I gave you. I finally promised you I would give you more once we arrived at your house and you didn’t fail to remind me. The night ended with me curled up in my mom’s arms crying. I was consumed with thoughts of what had happened in that car late that night. However, I pushed past the discomfort and focused on the positive: my first ever kiss! As one does after their well awaited first kiss, I bragged to all of my friends. Their excitement coated over the anxiety about your forcefulness in the backset. Fast forward two weeks. You and I sit in the window seat, picking at our meal. “What is this?” I ask, looking up at you. These past two weeks have been a whirlwind. From the mall parking lot to the park off of that street, my body had been used to pleasure you. “I like you more than a hookup”. My hand sits softly in yours. You know exactly what to say. Later you would tell me that this wasn’t the case, you just knew you had to say this in order to continue hooking up with me. That’s what you’re great at though, right? Stringing me along, saying the exact right things to me in order to assure that my body would be ready for your use again. Lucky for you, I was just a vulnerable, inexperienced young girl. Lucky for you, I looked up to you. Lucky for you. Things continued to escalate. You moved me from parking lot to parking lot, forcing me to kiss you. Police came and checked on us multiple times, each time leaving me feeling more and more vulnerable and ashamed. You would yell and degrade me until I pleased you. Then, you shared your pedophilic urges with me. I still remember the first time I sat in your room in a diaper. You had laid it out on your bed, ready for use. You had monogrammed it to make it seem more inviting. Thanks? I remember sitting on your floor in agony, the pain in my bladder almost unbearable. I physically could not pee in it. You pushed and pushed, telling me to use it. The wet, warm, soon to be familiar squishy feeling sat on my bottom as I sat on the toilet. You congratulated me. That was the first night in ages that we hadn’t fought. I went home that night with feelings of disgust for myself. I had peed in a diaper in front of you. I had never felt more vulnerable and scared. The occurrences only escalated. I was asked to put it on again and again. This escalated for a year and a half. I truly cannot bear to write the rest. I still suffer everyday from this shame and fear. I hate that you did this to me, using me for your sick fantasy. I hate it.

I’m sharing here because I hope I can reach out to other women who may have gone through marital rape or may still be going through it and I want you to know you are not alone. For years I felt as if I was asleep as I couldn’t face up to what was happening to me, why I was losing weight and why I so depressed. I minimised everything, even to him. I would try and make him feel better afterwards. Most of the time it was as simple as me saying no to sex and him doing it anyway while I was completely disconnected, and it was so often, I would lie there and wait til he was done most of the time, but each thing built up to him pushing the boundaries further, sometimes when we were out in public, always after I went out with my friends, it was part of the deal. I always told myself he’d be in better form if I just went along with it. He was always so stressed and so angry. And I loved him and sometimes I enjoyed sex with him. It made things very confusing in my head. And I was eating barely anything, which he encouraged, he was constantly buying me exercise equipment and sexy outfits. I kept getting sick, I was tired and low all the time. My family and friends were saying I wasn’t myself. There were 3 incidents that I play over and over in my head that I couldn’t minimise (although I tried). And they led to me telling him our marriage was over. That was a year ago. I thought it might help me to write one of them down and maybe someone will identify with me and it might help them. It was at his best friends wedding and as usual, he wanted us to do something exciting sexually. So we went to the men’s toilets. We were kissing and we started to have sex. I was quite drunk. All of a sudden he turned me around and bent me over the toilet, my hands on the window sill. I started to say no. It came out in what sounded like a little girls voice. I don’t know why I remember that so well. I don’t know why I didn’t shout. He raped me anally in the men’s cubicle and I was crying looking at a dirty window sill and I could hear strange men outside commenting. Afterwards I kept asking why did you do that, I didn’t want that, it hurt me, you were too rough, I said no. But he he didn’t want to talk about it. He left me sitting with one of his male friends that I didn’t know to go outside with his best friend and have cigars. He saw I was in pain and bleeding for days after. I stayed with him for years after that. Other things happened after that too. I ended up feeling like his stress ball, a rag doll, good for nothing else. I was with him since I was 18 years old and we have children together. He was all I knew. He was my husband and I loved him. No one knew what was happening. Everyone thought we were a couple in love. It wasn’t until I told him I couldn’t share a bed with him anymore and I was starting ti have panic attacks that we went to a marriage counsellor and it all came out. I woke up. It was her face. Her reaction. I felt so stupid and embarrassed. And he tried to explain it away to her shouting at her that he was a man. I was sitting there thinking how did I let this happen to me? I always saw myself as quite a strong, intelligent, bubbly person. I’m in my 40s, I should know better. I was looking at the counsellors face and it somehow didn’t feel as if it was happening. I realised I was shaking and she was worried about me and he was shouting at her. I felt so embarrassed and helpless. And stupid in front of another grown woman. I was thinking what if this was someone I loved telling me this happened to them? But still in my head I kept thinking its not really rape because he was my husband, and I loved him and so many times I wanted to have sex with him so how could it be rape. But why did he want to hurt me? I kept thinking this couldn’t be happening to me. Anyway thanks for reading. I hope it helps someone. I feel it helped me to write it down.

cocsa I’m barely 18 and I recently realized that i was sexually abused and assaulted well over 20+ times. (this story is just abt the cocsa) It’s hard. Really hard. I don’t necessarily feel dirty. I just feel used and mourn for my younger self. The first time it happened i was 4/5, i had just moved to a new village and befriended the neighbors kid. She was a little over a year older than me. Stronger and more dominant than me. But we were good friends. Untill she told me to play doctor with her. At first i thought it was cool, fun, exciting, but something about it felt wrong. And soon it went wrong. She started to have me undress more and more. Would reach into my underwear. Would put toys like balls and pencils in my underwear, eventually she pushed a plastic playtoy knife into me. I can still remember the pressure of it. It didnt go in far but i was horrified. She would force me to touch her in the same ways too but i cried when she tried to get me to put something in any of her. I think my mom caught us at some point. That part is a bit blurry. I can still see the window of my old room and her parents room from my new house. The second time i was 8 and the guy, a cousin of one of my friends, who was 14, kissed and grabbed me and pushed me under the bed to make out with me. I didn’t know it was wrong. The friend just encourageed us. The third time I was assaulted i was 10/11. This girl from my class got me to touch her boobs, showed me porn and forced me to make out with her closet door as she pushed from behind against me. She made it into this secret game we had and would basically introduce me to new sex things on the internet constantly. I think it made me addicted to porn and a young age (+that i had free internet acces). I was also in an abusive relationship with a guy from my class around the same time. And i can hear people say but “that isn’t serious at that age” and you may or may not be right but it did have a big impact on me. He would shove, slap, hit, kick me in every way possible at school and then kiss me when we were alone, tell me he loved me. At summer church camp he tied me up and had me follow him for hours.

Sexual assault is a spectrum. I think as young women we laugh off so much - bring catcalled from 12 or 13, being groped in clubs, mocked for pushing a guy off who won’t keep his hands of you. I’m so glad there is this space to share our stories <3

Hello I’m a victim of csa my name is Name my nickname is mj I got the nickname of a show so if the name is familiar you know why that is just a few facts about me here is my story the sexual abuse started as early as 2 years old by a female older cousin. Who I was supposed to trust she would rape me and sexually assault me when she babysat me as I grew older and I no longer needed a babysitter she started taking me out places and buying me gifts and then she would take me to her house and tell me that I needed to give her what she wanted cause she gave me gifts and took me out places while I was suffering from my cousins abuse I was also suffering abuse from a teacher and student along side that the first time I was sexually assaulted at school was by my science teacher he said I needed to stay in because I had not finished my school work and the first time I was assaulted by the student was at a buddy pair sport group I asked to go to the bathroom and the teacher told him to take me that was were he orally raped me at 9 years old I was raped by a male family member who was 14 years old and a couple years later I suffered from a brutal occurrence called gang rape then fast forward to this year I was raped and sexually assaulted at a concert I still have times that I doubt myself that what they did was actually rape or sexual assault but deep down I know it is and I’m getting therapy and psychological help I hope my story can help you to at-least speak up about it or know your not alone

I would like to know if there are other survivors who have also been sexually and emotionally abused by Name? Are there survivors who would like to come forward anonymously? He has changed his location a dozen of times, to avoid accountability, there must be survivors all over the world, who don't even know from each other, each of them suffering in silence. In Europe, in Russia, all over the USA, etc. Let's connect, and find healing.

I was sexually abused by my cousins from the time i was 5 until i was 8, they were also children, the oldest was maybe 11/12. It has completely destroyed me, and in hindsight i never really stood a chance once it started. I also sexually assaulted my younger cousins as I got older. I have huge family and my grandma used to watch all of us after school. We're all within a year of each other, there was around 15 of us at her house any given day. we were caught doing this several times, and our parents didnt do enough. I wish they wouldve put me in therpay and cut me off from seein gmy cousins, but we ontinued to go to grannys house and we continued to abuse each other. After the abuse ended i sought it out form everyone. I think i enjoyed it, maybe because i was very lonely/isolated as a child? i had similar behavior as a teenager/adult, most of the acquaitnes i had were just men who wanted to sleep with me. I started watching porn when i was 8 and became a porn addict. I've been trying to quit porn for years. When i was 13 i started taking nude pictures and videos of myself, this was also at the height of kik. I talked to several men online, I would even get on omegle and expose myself to people without telling them I was a child. I was mainly assaulted by female cousins, and I think I might be a lesbian. I think the abuse has made me afraid/hate to be a lesbian. I was actually very homophobis until i was 16 and i realized that I do have a lot of gay ass thoughts. I remember befriending a gril and I was imagining us living together and hanging out, and i rember thinking 'i would love to wake up to her smile everyday" and i realized that I couldnt lie about that anymore. I think it's a combination of my family dynamics and the abuse that has made it difficult for me to connect with other women. I feel like this abuse has totally robbed me of myself and i don't think i'll ever really get to know who i really am. I am very angry because everyone pretends like it didn't happen. None of my cousins are close anymore, i talk to a few of them. I tried to bring it up to one of them and she told me to shut up, and that if i ever brought it uo again she would never speak to me again. i tried to talk about it with my mom and all she said was that she didnt remember that happening. I know she's lying, because a normal reaction would be anger, shock, disgust, panic, not just a shrug and i dont remember. just like back then and throughout my life when i cry out for help, everyone tells me i'm seeking attention and i'm just being dramatic, and that I'm fine. for example, when i was child I complained for years that I couldn't see, i couldnt read and i was always tripping and fallin but no one believed me because i had good grades. I passed the eye exams at school, so i intentionally failed and hit again with the attention seeking. i went years without being able to see., until my brother started to say the same. Then my parents listened because they figured all 3 of us couldnt have been lying. Went to a real eye doctor and my vision was 20/80. that oretty much sums up how people treat me regardless of what I say. Although all of the signs were there and obvious. i made sexual jokes, I would talk about porn, i used to draw genitals, even drew them on my arms and legs every now and then, i was always talking about gentials, I was caught watching porn several times., risky sexual behavior in my teen years. Even now I can't 'enjoy' sex unless i am heavily intoxicated and it's violent. I've been celibate for 6 months now and I plan on staying celibate until i die. I no longer desire to get marrried or have kids. i dont' know why people look at me and see someone who doesnt have pain or problems, i dont know why everyone thinks im too shallow to have trauma, or feelings, i have been supporting myself emotionally my entire life. I'm so lonely and i have become more apathetic in recent years. I don't wan to be but I am not the kind of person that people can empathize with and i dont really think i have a choice in the matter.

When I was in 6th grade I started crushing on a boy in my class. My friends told me he was a jerk, but all I saw was how sweet he was to me. He started calling me his girlfriend, and I wasn’t comfortable with this, but I never said anything. I told myself I had to like him, because he could be the only one who would ever love me, and I couldn’t throw him away, couldn’t hurt him. As time went on, I started realizing what a jerk he was. He swore constantly, and hurt people, but not enough to get himself in trouble. He once hit me with a tennis racket at tennis practice, and I started to realize who and what he was. At a school dance, I apparently didn’t say thank you enough for a gift and he started crying. He turned the whole room against me, with random people coming up to be a insulting me. I felt like crap and I broke up with him. A year later, one of my best friends started dating him. I tried to stop her, but she wouldn’t listen. She is still with him, and I worry about her every day. I don’t know what to do. Thankfully, they are going to different high schools, but I worry anyway. Whoever is reading this, you are beautiful, you deserve everything, and you are NOT alone. ❤❤❤❤❤