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Stuck in the bathroom. It is possible to be loved. When I spent ages telling my Mum and Dad that it would be ok to travel to city for a gig , I thought I was grown up and street wise. In reality I was a naive young man - my parents reluctantly agreed as long as we stayed with my friends uncle - this would mean we wouldn’t have to travel back late . The gig was fantastic - we got back to his flat the others went to bed. I stayed up chatting with name - after about half an hour he started asking me if I was a virgin and showing me pornographic magazines . I tried to get away and go to bed - he then attacked me and raped me . I locked myself in the bathroom and waited but he was still agitated - he wanted me to sleep in his bed - I had no idea that a man could do what he did to another male. Two weeks later I went back to stay again after a football match - this time I tried to persuade my parents that I shouldn’t go - but they didn’t want the ticket to go to waste - he attacked and raped me again - I eventually managed to lock myself in the bathroom . I mentally stayed in that bathroom for the next 40 years - never telling - never asking for support - 3 failed marriages - problems with drink - difficulties being a good parent. The first person I told after 40 years was my ex-wife - her response was “I can’t love you - you have violated me by keeping this a secret” - this was crushing and led to a decline to a very dark place. Now with the support of my children, my new partner , a fantastic psychiatrist and a therapist from support organisation - I feel better and believe I can be loved. It is never too late to start to heal .

There are pieces of different stories that fit my situation. I’m a successful executive and I am so embarrassed that I ignored all the red flags and got myself into this mess. I feel so unworthy, a combination of childhood emotional neglect, sexual assault as a teenager, and a 25 year marriage full of emotional neglect and infidelity. I even feel unworthy of putting myself in the same category as the survivors on this page, like my story isn’t as valid. He is a sexual assault survivor himself; he was molested by an older female cousin when he was little. That was part of the attraction at first. I thought we understood each other’s pain and would help each other heal what still remained. At first the attention felt like caring, like someone finally gave a damn. The requests to text where I was at all times, wanting to track my location and share his, wanting to talk or FaceTime all night on the phone, even sleeping with the call still going, next to me, when we weren’t together. Now I know it was about control and a deep lack of trust. I have learned over time to never look around at a restaurant or I will be accused of staring at another man. I have unfriended most of my male friends on social media and I am afraid to post anything in case one of the remaining ones comments. He demands that I show him any communication from any man on social media. He wants to know my work meeting schedule and gets upset if I don’t text him back right away. One time, he was out of town and my phone wasn’t plugged in correctly so the battery died during the overnight FaceTime call. I panicked when I woke up and realized what had happened, and he was furious with me. He wanted to know if I had cheated between 4 am and 8 am when the phone was dead. And I haven’t asked him to leave yet. I don’t know why. We have almost broken up several times, and every time I believe him that it will be different. It won’t be different. I am exhausted and I don’t recognize myself anymore. I am too ashamed to tell my friends or family the extent of it, although they know things are off.

There have been many flaws that have always been exposed throughout the legal system for a long time. Like child protection services, there are good ones out there who do help children. But there have been so many who go into really bad situations and happen to leave the children there no matter how many red-flagged calls they may receive or even see themselves. Instead, they go into other homes or places where they can't find any of those red flags and then start doing the jobs they were supposed to do the first time. One of these experiences happened when a few different calls were made about a family who lived in an old pink house. Even one of the kids themselves had borrowed a friend's phone for the call, hoping they would finally be placed somewhere else or at least be able to feel safe at home. The reason for this is that all of the children were being abused by their father and the mother, who was their thought it was better to stay than leave because she was afraid of leaving. However, the mother sometimes didn't really protect the children much either; instead would turn them over to their father to save herself from him. (The father would physically and verbally do all different types of abuse to all the kids, from throwing things, hitting them, saying weird comments to them. Making them fight against each other and many other things.) On top of this, the pink house had holes all over the wall and ceiling, and walls in the bedrooms that were sinking in and pipes that were broken and floors that were falling in, and would refuse to fix them instead blamed the kids for the house and how it looked regardless how hard they would try to please him. Nothing would work and after all the phone calls the children had have many threats by there father of what would happen if they said anything to child protection services. All of this really messed with their mental health. So when child protection services did come all they did was was walk through the house and the kids couldn't speak because her father sat there and was watching everything. Instead of pulling the kids to the side and asking them questions, they directly addressed the father, ask the kids questions right in front of him dismissed everything. After just taking in account what the father was saying and of course he denied all the accusations. Even with all physical environmental hazards they just left. They didn't even try to question the children on the side instead put them at risk by asking them in front of their abuser who they were afraid of being physically hurt by after being threatened into not talking. Children's services only was wiling to put them at risk and wanting to close the case quickly. ( this is my first time posting and there is so much more to this but was way to much to put into this post. Just wanted to finally be able to share and be open to see if anyone else might relate to this experience. Might share more details but not so sure. I just want to finally be more open about this experience I had in my life.) This is a brief over view of what happened but I really hate that we never got helped growing up but now he just walks free) I did have more struggles as a teen falling to an abusive relationship and later on another one but lucky a lot of things have gotten better. I do want to tell more but I am now starting to processes everything and wish I could have had a chance to be a kid.

The hardest thing to come to terms with is that you are in an abusive relationship. It is humbling and embarrassing, but is the first step to moving forward in the healing journey. I never thought he was my abuser, I just thought he was a huge "a**hole" with anger problems. I did not (still do not) understand how the same person who will cuddle you, tell you "I got you baby, dont worry about it," the same person who will love on your animals, can be vulnerable (not emotionally of course) with you, and tell you he loves you. Can be the same person who gets so angry and defensive, that he calls you every name in the book. The same person can tell you he will "hit you if you don't shut the f**k up." That same person will look at you when you are crying so hard your eyes are swollen shut, and still tell you how ungrateful and unappreciative you are - even if you do everything for them. That person who holds finances over your head, to tell you he will handle it, then throw it in your face because you are a "financial burden." To scream at you, to say how he will "always be better than you and above you." That person will never change. I tried to help him, and change him. I thought after my father passed, he just did not understand grief. He did not understand why 6 months later, I would fall out on the kitchen floor and cry because of the kitchen knives my father got me were washed in the dishwasher. He did not understand why my life changed, or my perspective on the world was altered. He blamed me for my problems, and told me I was a burden to him and his life. All because of my father's passing. I left him, eventually. I had no more strength left, but had no choice but to leave. I wanted to heal, and grieve properly. If I had to do it alone, I would. I did. I believed after 6 months of me leaving, he changed right? He still showed signs, but I was convinced that he would do better. So, I decided to move states, hours away from the family I had left. Said yes when he asked me to marry him (in public). Moved into a house with my animals (leasing) and try to start over. Well, now I am here. It did not last long, that glamour disappeared the first night we had a disagreement. Nothing ever changed, in fact, it got worse. The threats to hit me, the name calling, the disrespect, the abuse. Never physical, but verbally, emotionally, and financially, yes. The embarrassing part is that I wish I stayed away the first time. I wish I would have never moved in with him the first time, I wish I left after only being together for a few months- and he yelled at me- for 30 minutes- because I was "so irresponsible" for leaving my keys in my car. I let myself fall more and more in love with the "good version" of him. The version where he was kind to me, and did love me. I held on to hope, but the hope dies when you realize you deserve real love. I would rather be alone, than stay with my abuser for 10 more years, regretting I didn't leave sooner. Regretting that I didn't leave before he laid his hands on me. I wish I could leave today, but financial wise I cannot. My lease needs bought out. Faking it until I make it. Apathy to avoid arguments. He senses something is different, I can see it in his eyes. I refuse to bring up the elephant in the room-- i no longer care to. Getting by until I can leave. Plans are still in place for the next few months... who knows what will pan out. Either way, I am leaving my abuser. Period.

High Priest, You are not my superior Nor would I say equal The darkness overtook you? Abdication of responsibility - not good enough "Call to my house" You opened the door to naivety and trust Vulnerability at the worst You - only lust. In this now New Earth With the light streaming in I see your cowardice, your sin You took the phone off the hook Now, two decades later, to be disturbed The light won't let the dirt hide any longer Now I am stronger. I forgive you to set myself free You have played your part I am at peace, in my power and to reiterate, free.

LOVE YOURSELF : In this life, I learned a lot of stuff. When I was little I thought that life was so easy but then when I started to grow up I started to acknowledge that life is not only full of that kind who will treat you with kindness. At my middle school, my first year in it was so simple and nice but then after a year, I started to face that kind of people who have nothing but to give you hate and make you feel so insecure. It all started at the age of 13 and we all know that this is the age where our feelings and thoughts start. I faced a lot of shit in my life and they were all the reasons to break me into really small pieces I felt even so mad about who I am and hoped to die, it was so hard for me to accept this in my life!! Every bad thought you will think about while you feel broke is everything I have felt at this time, and all I saw in my life got black. I always sat alone in school thinking I'm not that important and useless and I'm nothing in this life and that no one needs me anymore!!, and that happened after some fights that happened with some thoughtless girls. The only thought I had at those times was all really bad thoughts. I always told myself that I'm not that important and that I was only a heavy thing for people to be with and to be around with. I talked always shit about myself, the only thing I did in school is to sit alone and draw a lot of dark pictures that represent my life! at that time. And at home, I was only sitting alone. In school, some of my true friends came and talked to me to kinda try to comfort me but that never helped. And even my parent tried to help me out but that all was no use!! After some months of me throwing more hate to myself, I started to think again and write all the things I like about myself and after that, I started to think right again. In that time it took me some time to get to my right state of mind but it was worth it. I thought about those couple of questions. Who am I to myself? why am I living for and what is my goal in life, I even thought that even if I don't have a goal in life I'm going to make one for myself. I also thought about my future and who will be with me and do you know who is going to be with me to make my future to make my dreams come true?!! IT'S NOT THEM!! IT IS ME WHO WILL BE IN MY FUTURE AND MAKE IT COME TRUE AND I'M THE ONE WHO WILL MAKE MYSELF HAPPY. I even made myself more confident to face people. In the past, I used to listen to people's opinions about me or my life, and I remember a lot of them telling me that I changed, I even thought about this for a second, why did I change for? and did I change to the best or the worst I did take some time for myself to re-think again about myself, and that is one of the reasons that made me love myself more than before, and the encouragement to live for myself and make my life much brighter and to make everything I want to come true. At this time I never even care about people's opinions about me or what they think about me!! do you know why?!. It is because you, first of all, meet a lot of people in your life and each person of them has a different thought about you!!, even if sometimes people think that you are psycho it DOES NOT MATTER ANY MORE!!. you know why!! because you know yourself the most and that is also one of the reasons to LOVE yourself!! So in order to live happy never listen to people's thoughts about you. And remember that you are the only one who makes yourself happy in this life and its no one else that will make you happy. So go there out in this life and do all your best to make yourself happy. And DO NOT EVER MAKE THOSE USELESS PEOPLE TAKE YOUR HAPPINESS!!. Show people who you are and that you are strong and confident about yourself!! All the love and support :) from your life supporter REMEMBER THERE IS ONLY ONE OF YOU ;) . SO LIVE THE WAY YOU WANT AND LOVE YOURSELF :D

I had accepted my fate, until one day a friend witnessed the aftermath of the abuse. That friend saved my life, and I found my will to live. It's been ten years since I said no more, and I've built a life for myself that I never thought I'd live to see. You are not alone. You are worthy. You are loved. You deserve the world. There is a reason you are here, and the world is so much better with you in it.

When I was in 6th grade I started crushing on a boy in my class. My friends told me he was a jerk, but all I saw was how sweet he was to me. He started calling me his girlfriend, and I wasn’t comfortable with this, but I never said anything. I told myself I had to like him, because he could be the only one who would ever love me, and I couldn’t throw him away, couldn’t hurt him. As time went on, I started realizing what a jerk he was. He swore constantly, and hurt people, but not enough to get himself in trouble. He once hit me with a tennis racket at tennis practice, and I started to realize who and what he was. At a school dance, I apparently didn’t say thank you enough for a gift and he started crying. He turned the whole room against me, with random people coming up to be a insulting me. I felt like crap and I broke up with him. A year later, one of my best friends started dating him. I tried to stop her, but she wouldn’t listen. She is still with him, and I worry about her every day. I don’t know what to do. Thankfully, they are going to different high schools, but I worry anyway. Whoever is reading this, you are beautiful, you deserve everything, and you are NOT alone. ❤❤❤❤❤

Three beautiful kids later, three houses later, and 10 years later, I finally had the courage to leave.

Inappropriate touching is how I would refer to what my ex-husband would do. We were together for nearly numberyears. There were countless times that I would wake up with his hands down my pyjamas, him having intercourse with me, him forcing me to do things to him, that this just became normal. I felt that this was part of my marriage. I now know that this should not have been the case and no man should ever treat a woman like this. That consent cannot be taken it must be given. We separated and he was still living in the house. I had a hospital admission. He was helping look after our three children. He would come into my bedroom at nighttime after I came home from hospital and rub my back and belly, even though I had asked him not to. This progressed on two occasions to rape, I had said no, he continued to do it. I did not realize at the time that this is what it was. Even writing this now is difficult. It was only three years later after discussing the inappropriate touching with a therapist that she used that word with me. Deep down I knew how fundamentally wrong this all was but never saw myself as having been sexually assaulted or raped by my husband while we were married or just after we had separated. I still find it extremely difficult to say this word out loud. Most of my friends or family do not know this has happened. It is a very lonely place but speaking to professionals certainly helps with the shame and guilt that I hold myself.

The body remembers trauma. I didn’t know this until I experienced it myself. After a fun and rambunctious night with my husband (now ex) I woke up the next morning feeling particularly sore. As I sat on the toilet I realized that this soreness was something I had felt before. I then had a flashback from my sophomore year in college. When I woke up groggy after a night of partying with my soccer teammates. I headed to the bathroom. As I peed I felt that sore and ache-y feeling. I didn’t know what it was and wrote it off as cramps and hangover. I remember looking in the mirror and seeing that I wasn’t wearing my pajamas. Just a random top and shorts. When I got back to my dorm room my then boyfriend was just waking up. And that was the end of my flashback. I then realized my sexual history was a lie. I thought I had lost my virginity to my husband and he was my first and only partner. But this changed everything. I lost my virginity to my boyfriend who raped me and I had no idea. My sexual narrative and my identity changed in my late 30's because of this revelation. Who am I? What does this mean? Bits and pieces from the night returned. I know we drank a lot. I know he walked me home. Thats all I can remember because I blacked out. Is it better that I blacked out? That I cant remember the horrible thing done to me? I don't know. I just feel a bit lost and scared for the 19 year old me who was young and naive. She didn't know what to do. Now in my early 40's divorced and a single parent I'm healing the wounds that were invisible and hiding for so long. Im listening to my body now. And I'm going to nourish it.

She was hurt too. She is so damaged and hurt just like me. But I still didn't deserve what she did to me.

I grew up thinking that my body was not my own. I experienced child sexual assault and rape all before the age of 14 and that shaped how I viewed my body and the world around me. It took years, almost a decade, before I would seek therapy and try to start my healing journey. I felt so disgusting in my own body and it made it hard for me to have romantic relationships. Therapy has really been helpful and sometimes I still feel that discomfort in my body but I am learning everyday that what happened to me is not my fault. I also have grown to learn that there are bad people out here and that there is nothing that I did to deserve what happened to me. Although my abuser is free to roam the world as if he didn't harm me and my rapist is free to live his life as if he didn't rape me -- I find peace in knowing that I am healing despite what they did to me.

Part 2. I'm starting with the second because I can't go over the first yet because the first was reported. The first part started at the beginning of middle school and I was groomed by one of my male teachers from the very first week of middle school. It lasted all of middle school and led to more though can't go into it right now. I will hopefully later on be able to share that if I'm comfortable enough too. Anyways, part 2. It was my senior year of highschool and I went to this male teachers class. I had a weird feeling about him during open house but didn't think anything of it. The first week of school, he goes around asking what we want our nicknames to be if any. I said "just (my name)". He looks at me and says "ok, just (my name)" and smiles and looks at me and back down at his paper. I didn't understand and thought he was funny. He didn't do it to anyone else. Then, a few days later, we're having a fire drill and he looks at me from his desk in the back and tells me "We're going to have a fire drill. We'll just go out and stand and talk for a little." and shakes his head in the yes motion. I shake my head to match his. Another day, I'm walking in the hallway near his classroom and it's just me and him. I'm coming up like 3 stairs and he comes out of the hallway where his room is and we stare at each other. He goes into the middle of the bathrooms and turns the water fountain on, not even two seconds and turns around and stands there. He doesn't even have a water bottle with him, he has nothing in his hands. I stop and wait for him to come out and he doesn't. I continue to slowly walk because I don't want to be late to his class and as I go by him, he follows me with his eyes. Once I'm past him, he comes out between the bathrooms and follows me a short distance and then goes into a dark room with no one ever going in there and I turn and go to his room. I sit down and look at the clock and he doesn't come back for 5 minutes. I put my head down when he starts teaching and cry because I realize what he is but was what I had just seen really match the man who was teaching me? I couldn't trust myself. Throughout class he would look at me and shake his head while teaching us, always in the yes motion. I thought he was nice. During the beginning, he told me he wouldn't let me fail/fall. I was crying because I didn't want to fail his class. I wanted to try my best. He helped me several days throughout the year with the material and I appreciated it. There was a day that I was alone in his room with him before class started because I walked early to his class sometimes for a reason (I won't go into it). I was sitting against the wall like always and he got out a banana and he peeled it. He was back beside his desk and there was a wall he stood beside so if you looked in from any angle from the hallway, you wouldn't see him. He peels the banana back and looks at me and then the floor and then me again. He stares at me and takes one large bite into half the whole banana. I see this and so I turn and look at him and he stops chewing while staring at me. I then ask if I can finish a test because he would allow us to go into the hallway and he'd give us a clipboard and we could do it. He says "what?". So, I asked again and he said "no, I don't want you to miss this class.". Then, when class starts a girl a few rows up from me asks him and he says "yes" and hands her a clipboard and she goes out into the hallway. Again, I'm like 'did he tell me I couldn't but she can?" Then it went further and so I was alone after class with him finishing a test one day. He had a shirt and tie( and yes, he had everything else on)on which was unlike him and while I was doing the test there was a closet a few rows behind me. He goes and takes his shirt and tie off while I'm alone with him and I'm so scared he doesn't have a shirt on underneath and he has a small mirror on the side so I think he could watch me while he did it. He had a shirt underneath but not the point. Then he leaves the room. When he comes back in I look at him because I realized he wasn't wearing what he was earlier and I look at him. He looks at me and starts laughing at me. Then, the next day I'm in another class and a girl in that class told a friend out loud that my male teacher doesn't like changing in front of the students so he went next door to change. Again, I was like "that's not true! He did it when I was alone with him!" but couldn't trust what I had been through to tell anyone so I unfortunately let it go and held everything in.Then it goes further. I'm alone with him because I asked him if I could stay after school because I needed help with the material. He says yes and he only has 30 minutes. So it's just me and him again. I'm in my seat at the wall and he goes over what I'm struggling with. Then he asks if I need help with anything else, again saying he only has 30 minutes. I say "no, thank you though" and get up and start to walk to the door. He runs from the front of the classroom to the back, grabs his phone off his desk, and walks right up behind me and walks right behind me to the door. Once we get to the door, he stops and I feel his release and I keep walking. He watched me walk down the hallway and I felt ashamed and was trying to come up with an excuse to go back into his classroom. I wanted to go back to his class room. After I left school, I went out to eat with some family and all I thought about was "why didn't I go back into his room? What an idiot!". I honestly thought when he was behind me that we was going to rape me but he didn't, he let me go in that sense. Then there was prom and he told me one day before it during class, everyone's there and he looks at me and says "I'm not going to be at prom." He explains what he's doing with his family. Again, I shake my head in the yes motion like "Why do I need to know this?" He wasn't telling anyone, just me. Then we're practicing for graduation and walking through all the halls so the teachers can say congratulations and we get to my male teachers hallway and I'm on his side(we walked in 2 people a row and I was on his side). I start internally panicking and eventually I look up and he's smiling brightly and says "Congratulations" and I smile and say "thank you". When we get back to the room where we're practicing, the girl next to me who I didn't know at all told me there was a teacher who kept saying my name. I asked her who and she said she didn't know. I asked if it was my male teacher and she said yeah. I said something along the lines of "I'm not surprised.".Then we're going on a senior trip. He asks who all is going and I don't put my hand up because I'm talking to a friend. He finds out once we get there. I'm with my then boyfriend and he has the same class as the male teacher and wants to go say hi so we walk over and I say "I don't know if that's a good idea." The whole time being on edge and scared but not knowing why. Once we get over there I try to find an open bench and there are none! I stand uncomfortably in front of my male teacher I had all year as he's sitting on a bench next to another teacher who he worked with sometimes. They taught together sometimes. My boyfriend talks to them and I'm silent. My boyfriend wants my male teacher to sign something and so my male teacher digs in his bookbag and he gets out a pen and stares at me and says "I thought I couldn't find it." and holds the pen up a little and continues to stare at me. He also saw what I wrote for my boyfriend and looked between my then boyfriend and myself. It wasn't sexual but I didn't want him reading that and know I had a boyfriend. He didn't know until then. I don't understand what that was supposed to mean. Then the teacher beside him on the bench looks over between me and my male teacher and tells us we should go get in line because there were a lot of people. Then it's time to leave hours later and I'm standing with my then boyfriend. He points over to where my male teacher is and he's staring at me from way far in the distance. He notices that I notice and acts like he's on a phone call and walks away. I will never know if he actually had a call or not. Then somehow we're waiting for everyone in our group to come back so we can get on the buses. The male teacher is somehow across from me, my then boyfriend left to go see other students he knows, and my male teacher waves at me and is smiling brightly and says "hi". Then he says while rubbing his one arm with his other hand, "you look like your arms got some sun." very quietly so only I know because there are so many people around us but no one notices. I feel uncomfortable though try to tell him my sunscreen wasn't working and he looks at the ground with a straight face and nods his head. I get really uncomfortable so I turn and walk into a wall and turn around. He's staring at me from a distance! I stare back at him as I'm wearing a dress and holding a small bag and we stand like that for I don't know how long. We don't move. Some people eventually get in our way so I side step to my right and then he side steps to his left and we continue to stare at each other. I didn't want that time to end, I wanted to stay there forever. But at some point I started to dissociate because my body started floating into the sky as the sun was overhead us. At some point we stop and it's time to walk to the buses. A teacher I had a previous year tells me to not leave the group and asks if I'm ok to which I say "I'm ok, how about you?" because I didn't trust anyone enough to tell them what was going on. I couldn't process it or put it into words. I didn't know what it was. Then he says he has to use the restroom and to not leave the group. So I walk to the front of the group where one of the teachers who were on my bus ,who I didn't know, was talking to my male teacher! So I keep walking behind them and my male teacher is talking to another female student but she's trying to talk to him and he keeps his head down and just shakes his head... Like what he did to me earlier! But I don't think about this until I'm in therapy years later. Then he notices me and he falls back and puts his head down at the ground and turns his head to the left and stares into my eyes as we're walking. There's people behind us but no one notices anything somehow. I look over to my left and smile out of being uncomfortable and he goes back up next to the teacher on my bus. Then we get on the bus and the male teachers bus is next to my bus. I'm sitting at the window and I see my male teacher get on his bus and he sits at the window seat opposite of mine so we're next to each other even though on different buses. We stare at each other and then he gets his phone out and puts his head down. On the way back I try to tell my then boyfriend why I was scared during the trip but I can't describe or tell him. I don't know how or what to say. Once we get back to the school, everyone's getting off the bus and my male teacher gets off his bus as I am slowly walking. There's others around and he sees me coming towards him and he starts quickly searching in his bookbag for something while looking up at me and back into his bag. As I walk past him, I try to look straight ahead as he's staring at me and I try to believe that I was showing him that I didn't care about him anymore and I had power again. Years after I graduated from school, I am getting help, have been for more then a year, and feel I have a long ways to go. Being groomed for several years by two different men who were my teachers at different schools has turned my life upside down but I'm continuing to fight and not giving up hope that one day I won't be as triggered by anything as I am currently. I want to share my story of these two teachers I had because I want it to be aware that you don't have to be given gifts to be groomed. With these two men, it was staring and compliments and making me question my reality about what they were doing to me and trying to isolate me from everyone at school who I cared about, along with the sexual innuendos of the food items and the senior teacher taking off his shirt and tie while being alone with me and once when alone, him leaving me alone in his classroom after class to go get food for his break and me waiting for however long for him to come back in. There was another day he wanted me to go next door to hand him my test when I was done after class and he told me there was a pass on his desk for me. He left me alone in his classroom and I did as he said though when I went to get my pass off his desk I stood there and was really uncomfortable and confused why he let me do that. During senior year, I stopped eating, and my friends being the wonderful people they were tried to get me to eat, even telling another teacher I wasn't and who helped me eat even though at the time I was angry at everyone for trying to help me eat. I still struggle with wanting to eat, getting out of bed, feeling safe being around people and in buildings, feeling like I have control over my life, liking my body, dealing with feelings of not wanting to live, having self harm that I have gotten help with,feeling no one but them cares about me, the two teachers, wanting to go back to them because it would be "easier" to go back to them then deal with the aftermath of all they've put me through, dealing with sexual thoughts and getting help with all this and how to know that I should feel pleasure and happiness during intimacy if I ever find a partner when all I want to do is, if intimate, pleasure my partner because I don't want to be touched or feel any pleasure ever, in fact I'm afraid of touch and pleasure. I have issues with arousal and I just don't want it anymore. I can't hang out with friends because I can't trust them and men I just think if they're nice to me they want me romantically when that's not the case. Romance is disgusting to me. Overall though, with therapy and some support people, it is possible to heal. I'm not fully there yet though I'm on my way. Some days I lose hope though with the help of my support people, cats, planting and watering my flowers, watching them grow, and knowing that the small things I do each day that I achieve help me realize that there is hope. It's hard to do on your own but learning about your triggers and writing them down is very helpful. I dissociate if I have flashbacks or overwhelm myself with too many reminders of my trauma and become unable to speak or move though grounding techniques have helped with that and talking to my therapist. I have nightmares about the the two male teachers and most of the time they're about school and seeing them or missing them because I love them. I would say, if you're afraid to go to therapy that's completely normal. I told myself I was never going to open up to someone and now I can't stop opening up to my therapist. It takes time and you just have to trust that you'll be safe. I also found it helpful to have the same gender therapist as me because I couldn't handle being alone with a male therapist. In the end, I hope that everyone can find some peace and healthy coping and supportive people to help heal the trauma. Everyone here deserves to have a healthy and safe life. My goal is to eventually become a trauma therapist because I want to help others heal from their trauma and be supportive and know someone does care and believe them. I believe everyone deserves to be believed. Thank you.

TW: physical, emotional, sexual abuse Ever since I started primary school at the age of 4, I’ve been afraid of my dad. I truly believed I was the worst daughter in the world and that I was a huge disappointment to my parents. My Ukrainian immigrant parents were well educated and well respected people, they were quite wealthy and interesting people who had a “perfect” daughter. No one knew what happened behind closed doors, of course, and no one suspected anything as I was taught to hide my feelings and physical signs of abuse (still hate thinking about that word) really well. The physical and emotional abuse started as I started school and was a punishment for something I did or didn’t do, but looking back now, there was no consistency and no “reasoning” behind all of it. The sexual abuse started when I was 8 and stopped when I got my period at 14, when he told me it made me dirty and disgusting. Only at the end of high school I realised that not all fathers were like this and, in fact, this was very severe abuse. At 15 I was sexual assaulted by a coworker of my age at my job in a leisure center. At this point I was attracting the somewhat wanted attention of boys and I was naive. Even now, I am still trying to remind myself that I am not at fault. My 2 years at sixth form were made up of studying very hard and also trying to get help for ptsd symptoms. I met my current boyfriend of 2 years at sixth form too. I have told him about the majority of my childhood and he has been extremely supportive. I am so grateful for him. I am now having CPTSD support and, although I have bad days, I am keen to get better and to start a new chapter of life :)

The first time I remember being touched inappropiately I was five years old. It was a friend of my parents during one of their weekend drinking and drug parties. He put his hands in my shorts. I wasn't scared so it was probably not the first time- but it was the first time I clearly remember. I told my mom. She said to stop being such a baby about it and he didn't put his penis inside me. It continued. I kept silent. More malre friends of theirs. I kept silent. When I was eight my dad moved out. For a while things were okay- but by that point neighbor kids were pretty hands on with my body as well. I thought it was normal. When I was ten my mom met a guy in an AA meeting and moved him in the next day. He was great at first. Love bombing his way into our hearts. We had spent two years with no electric or water- he turned both back on. He got my mom to slow down the drinking and stop the drugs. He got us a car. He taught me how to ride a bike. Then- a few months in- he got a computer and a webcam. In the mornings while my mom slept off the drinking from the night before he would sit me on his lap and show me videos of other kids with their adults at home and all the love they would receive. He had me call him daddy during these sessions. Told me all the nice stuff would stay if I would just love him like those kids in the videos. From 10 to 13 he made videos of me- did things to me. All the things. When I was 13 I told my mom he was trying to get me pregnant. I told her everything. She called me a liar. She told him what I said. He gave her all the reasons I was unstable. That night my mom used drugs. She sat in her chair in the living room and he "loved" me on the sofa in front of her. I reached out for her hand. She wouldn't take it. He was not gentle this night. He was violent. Rough. He did not video this session. I cried. I fought. He held me down. The next afternoon while he was at work I slit my wrist in front of my mom. She didn't even react. I survived it. The scar goes from my wrist to my inner elbow. I never saw a doctor. My mom told everyone I cut it on a can of soup. Two weeks later I remember hanging upside down from a tree. The neighbor asked me what I was doing. I told her I was trying to get the baby to come out my mouth. I knew I was in trouble. I ran away. I went to live with my dad and his wife. The love bombing was so intense. They were like a real television family. I felt safe. I was still depressed. I was still not okay. I told my dad of course- and instead of going to the police they told my mom they will keep it quiet and continue to pay her almony if her and her bf stay away from me. They did. I was worth 600 dollars a month. I felt worse. By the time I was fifteen my stepmother became extremely abusive. She beat me and her daughter daily. She took the door off my bedroom and replaced it with a cage door that locked from the outside. They nailed my windows shut. I never told a soul. I have no friends. No anything. Just that home. I went to school. Got straight As. I was so broken. Once I graduated high school it got so bad I didn't want to live anymore. By this point I had spent two years with locks on cabinets and the fridge. We were starved most days. I drank water out of the back of the toilet and stole our pets food to survive. One day she beat me with a gun. I was sure she would kill me. So... I ran. I didn't have a friend in the world but a guy i knew from high school that had graduated two years earlier so I called him. He answered and I said- shes got a gun. shes going to kill me. he was there in three minutes. as we drove away I saw her driving up the road- gun in her hand. I didn't want to stay with him. I didn't know him well and he had a house full of people staying with him. so I called my mom. she came six hours later. then her bf came home. I tried to avoid him for two weeks but eventually he cornered me and as soon as he put his hand down my pants I threw up. all the trauma I blocked out came back like a wave of memories. I had forgotten. all those years at my dads was so bad I forgot why I left my moms in the first place. I called the guy from high school again. he let me come stay with him for 400 bucks a week and sleep on the loveseat. I was prob there about two weeks when he asked me to be his girlfriend. this was the first relationship I had outside adults. I said yes. he made me look at disturbing pictures with him and then give him oral. one night I fell asleep and he locked me in his room from the outside. I really freaked out being trapped in a cage again so his roommates broke his bedroom window to get me out. one of the guys who rescued me told me he would take care of me. I got drugged up to cope. The guy whose house I was staying with found out I escaped and kicked me out. I went to stay with the new guy. He love bombed me so hard. six weeks later we got married. I spent the next 17 years married to him. he beat on me. raped me. lied. yelled. belittled. financially abused me. We had two kids together. He was awful to them too. Never hit them that I knew so I told myself it was okay. but none of it was okay. Then in 2022 my daughters friend approached me and told me he had raped her that morning. I turned him into the police. during the investigation I found out he had also done this to 30 other kids my daughters brought over to play over the years. I had friends call me to tell me of all the times they had been assaulted by him. no one ever told me. I never knew. I am a survivor. All that trauma- it does not go away on its own. I have a trauma therapist. I practice meditation and I am vigilant with self care and boundaries. My children survived. I survived. It does get better. I promise. Would I of ended up with my dad if my mom had protected me? no. Would I of ended up married to an abusive narcissist? doubtful. But today I have an amazing career, My children are happy healthy and free. I have my own place and there are no locked doors. I met a man last year and he is safe, kind, and treats me better than I ever expected. I promise- it does get better. I will always have CPTSD and will always wear my scars on the inside. But where some see a ruined canvas- I used it as my garden and use my experience and story to help others. You are never alone.

I was in my local pub, the landlady told me someone knew to the area was lonely so I asked him to play pool. We hung out a few times after that, one time walking home at the end of the night he took my hand I told him I had a boyfriend. Not long after I was out with my brothers and we met him, after a while they went home and then me and him were walking home, we lived very near each other in a small town so it was normal to walk together. I don't know who suggested walking through the playground which I'd done a million times with other people, but I remember he was kissing me and 3 times I said no and asked him to stop then I froze as I realised I didn't really know him and he could do anything to me, all I could think was let him do whatever he wanted to me as long as I survive and get home to my boyfriend. The next morning I woke up and went to the bathroom, I was bleeding from where he'd raped me anally and bruised where he'd held my arms down. I had love bites on my chest.I don't know how I got home. I started to drink more as I kept bumping into him and he kept asking me to go out with him. When I went to the place of work for work I'd bump into him on the street and need to run home and drink so I could calm down before going back to work. I rang support organisation, I was told not to tell my boyfriend as that would only upset him. 8 years later I went to rehab for alcoholism. It was that or suicide. I did meet up with him once more a few weeks after the assault as I needed to tell him what he'd done was not okay, he didn't care, said he didn't remember. I still feel angry and guilty for not reporting him but he's from another country and left my town many years ago so its not possible, I don't even know his last name. I just hope he hasn't done it to anyone else. I was also afraid that if I reported him that my boyfriend would leave me or that I wouldn't be believed because I was drinking with him. I wish when the landlady asked me to help him that I hadn't and never feel like I can trust my instincts since then.

I'm a 63-year-old woman who has endured abuse all of my life. The abuse started with my mother who was a narcissistic sociopath. She would beat me with a 2x4 shaped into a paddle so she could get a good grip on it. I would get beaten every single day. She would say the abuse was due to me wetting my underwear. I would have to take off my underwear every night and she would smell them. If they had even the slightest hint of urine that was enough of a reason to get beaten. It was like a catch 24, if I was out playing I wouldn't go home to go to the bathroom because I was afraid of getting beaten, but if I didn't go home to go to the bathroom I would get beaten. I spent my entire childhood in fear. She would steal my money, throw my things away, tell lies about me. She knew I was my father's favorite, so I wasn't allowed to speak to him. I was brainwashed to believe this was how every family lived. When I got married I married my mother. He also abused me. He would lie, cheat, and steal from me. I was diagnosed with Stage IV breast cancer. When I would go to my treatments I would take Fish crackers to help with the nausea. One day I went to the cupboard to get my crackers and they were all gone but one, just enough to make it look like they were still there and the container wouldn't have to be thrown away. I also was diagnosed with brittle bone disease. I was told I needed to drink alot of milk. We had a refrigerator in the garage where I would keep 5 gallons of milk, along with 1 gallon that was in the house refrigerator. One day I went out to the garage to get a gallon of milk and all 5 gallons were gone. He had drank all 5 gallons in just one week. Can you imagine doing that to your wife who has Stage IV breast cancer!!! He threw a hammer at my head as I was walking away from him. He burned our home to the ground and told the detectives I did it. He is also a narcissistic sociopath. While he was doing all this, he got my daughter to go along with him. She, as of today 10/11/25, is a liar, cheater, thief. She is abusive. She's only 25 and already has been married twice, has 2 children from each marriage and she hates them both. She uses her children as pawns to get her way. She has already used two childhood friends to try and get to me. I'm not stupid, I know what she's up to and I'm not falling for it. I've been divorced for 3 years now. I've changed my name, moved away, and started my life over, but she still finds me. I'm terrified of her. I know what she's capable of. I thought once I got divorced I would be free of the abuse, but I'm not. At this time, all I have is my faith that God will take care of me. God got me out of a horrific situation and I have faith the God will continue watching over me. I'm so happy I got out of my marriage, which lasted 35 years. The divorce took 3 years; the judge said it should've only taken 9 months. He wanted everything, so I gave him everything. The law needs to be trained to understand mental illness such as narcissistic sociopath to understand that they are prolific liars. My divorce attorney's husband even said, "he lies so well you almost have to believe him." That's the problem, the legal system believes them so the innocent get punished and the perpetrators get away with it.

I was in an abusive relationship for 12 years. I met him when I was fourteen and we came together when I was fifteen. He was nice and lovely and I fell in love with him. I never thought that he could have a dark side. After a few month I began to realize, that there is something inside him. When we had our first fight, he screamed with me and I had so much fear. He apologized and I forgived him. But: It didn‘t stopped. He was verbal abusive. He said that I am a whore. He made me feeling small and like I am the worst person in the world. He said, that I am a psycho. He said I am a joke. He said I am nothing. He said, that he has to talk and scream with me like this, because I don‘t understand his points otherwise. He began to destroy things like my watch or a necklace. The walls had holes and he often grabbed me at my shoulders very hard when he got angry. When I cried, he became angrier at all. I locked myself in the toilet because I had so much fear of him. He also pushed me at the asphalt when he was drunk sometimes. I had bruises. One time he choked me. I never told anybody what happend, because I always forgived him and felt so fucking guilty. I tried to left him, but he always said, that he will kill himself, when I go. I went to therapy but even there I was so ashamed, that I didn‘t talk about the abuse. After two years of therapy I got stronger and stronger. I was ready to talk to somebody about the things that happend to me and that I want to leave him. Suddenly I felt free and was ready to go. He always said, that he loves me and that I am the love of his life. It never was love. I realized that I was in an abusive relationship. There were verbal, emotional and physical abuse. I didn't imagine any of it. I wasn't crazy. Whoever is reading this and is in a similar situation: You are strong! You are intelligent! You are beautiful! You are a good person! You can trust yourself! You can talk to someone! You can do this! You can leave him! You are a wonderful human being! I love you all out there and send you hugs. We have to share our stories and we are allowed to share them. Together we can change something.