Find Answers to Your Questions ~ Our Wave Community

Question 1

Is there a support group for survivors?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for asking this! We are actively working toward developing support groups directly through our website and we're so excited to be able to offer that in the future. In the meantime, there are wonderful ways to find connection both in your area and online.

A great first step is looking into local resources in your community, such as sexual assault service providers, rape crisis centers, and community mental health organizations. Many of which offer both in-person and virtual support groups. RAINN's National Sexual Assault Hotline (1-800-656-HOPE) is available 24/7 and can help connect you with local organizations near you that may have group options available. You can also visit rainn.org/get-help to search for local providers by zip code.

For online communities, the National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC) maintains a comprehensive directory that organizes resources by category, including general peer support, culturally-specific groups, support for male survivors, LGBTQ+-focused spaces, resources for military service members and veterans, and more. Some highlights from that directory include platforms like After Silence, which offers moderated forums and real-time chat rooms, and Pandora's Aquarium, which has specific spaces for different identities and experiences. Saprea Support Groups offers both in-person and online options led by fellow survivors.

You deserve to find support that feels safe and right for you, and there are communities out there ready to welcome you whenever you're ready. Thank you for reaching out about this.

Question 2

When I was young (6), I was left alone with another child my age. She insisted on having a sexual experience with me, telling me that if I didn't agree, she would get hurt. I knew she wasn't telling the truth, and I wanted to say no, but I couldn't, and it happened.

I never felt like it really affected me, but now that I'm older, every time I remember it, it brings up a lot of shame and disgust. I feel confused because she was also a child, and because it happened so long ago. Was this sexual abuse?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting this space with something so personal. The confusion, shame, and disgust you're describing make complete sense, and the fact that these feelings are surfacing now doesn't mean something is wrong with you, it actually reflects how trauma and memory often work.

It's very common for experiences from childhood to feel distant or unaffected at the time, only to resurface later with new emotional weight. Our brains are remarkably protective, and sometimes we don't fully process difficult experiences until we are older and more emotionally equipped to hold them. The shame and disgust you feel now are not a reflection of who you are or anything you did wrong, they are a very normal part of how the body and mind begin to make sense of something confusing.

The fact that the other person was also a child can make this feel especially complicated, and that confusion is completely valid. What matters most in your situation is that you wanted to say no and felt unable to. Your ability to consent was affected by pressure and fear, regardless of who it came from or how long ago it happened. You did not do anything wrong by being unable to say no in that moment.

As for whether to label this experience in any particular way, that is entirely your choice. What's most important is how you feel about it and what kind of support, if any, feels right for you. Talking with a trusted counselor or therapist who specializes in these experiences can be a gentle and helpful way to process the feelings that are coming up now, completely on your own terms.

You are not alone in this. Thank you for reaching out to us.

Question 3

Why so some people become hypersexual or asexual after sexual assault?

Accepted Answer

Both hypersexuality and asexuality after sexual assault are incredibly common responses, and neither one means something is wrong with you. They are two very different but equally valid ways that the mind and body can respond to trauma and it's even possible to move between the two at different points in your healing.

When someone experiences sexual assault, the brain and nervous system can be significantly disrupted. Sex and intimacy can become associated with threat, fear, or loss of control, and the body often tries to re-establish a sense of safety in whatever way it can. For some people, that looks like withdrawing from sexual experiences altogether often to protect yourself from vulnerability, physical closeness, or anything that might trigger the feelings associated with what happened. This is sometimes called asexuality in the aftermath of trauma, though it's distinct from asexuality as an identity. The body is essentially saying "I need to feel safe before I can feel anything else."

For others, the response looks like the opposite, an increase in sexual thoughts, urges, or behaviors. This can feel confusing or even shameful, but it is just as much a trauma response as withdrawal. Hypersexuality after assault can be the nervous system's way of attempting to regain control, to reclaim the body, or to re-process what happened. It can also be connected to the way trauma becomes stored in the body. For example, some people find themselves compulsively returning to sexual situations in an unconscious attempt to create a different outcome or to feel empowered in a space where they once felt powerless.

Both responses are rooted in survival, not in weakness or moral failing. The brain is extraordinarily adaptive, and what might look like "acting out" or "shutting down" is often the nervous system doing its best to protect you. Neither response defines you, and neither is permanent. Many people find that their relationship with sexuality shifts over time, especially with support. Thanks for asking this question.

Question 4

Is anal sex considered rape?

Accepted Answer

The word "rape" is used in many different contexts including survivors, advocates, and the legal system. Its exact definition can vary depending on where you look. Legally, definitions differ depending on where you live, and in most places the law does criminalize anal penetration without consent, though it may be called something different, like sexual assault or criminal sexual conduct. Outside of legal definitions, many advocates, educators, and support organizations define rape more broadly as any penetration without consent and that includes anal sex. The legal language doesn't always reflect the full reality of what survivors experience.

What matters most is that any sexual act, including anal sex, that happens without your full, free, and informed consent is a violation of your body and your autonomy. Whether or not the law in your specific location uses the word "rape" to describe it, that does not diminish what happened or how real and serious the harm is. Many survivors find that the legal label doesn't fully capture their experience anyway, and that's okay. You don't need a specific word to validate what you went through.

If you're trying to understand what happened to you within a legal context, speaking with a local sexual assault advocacy organization or a lawyer who specializes in sexual violence can help you understand the specific laws in your area. Advocates at organizations like RAINN (1-800-656-HOPE) can also help you navigate these questions confidentially and without pressure.

Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 5

How do I deal with the shame and guilt of being both a survivor and someone who may have caused harm as a teenager? I experienced emotional abuse, neglect, untreated OCD and Autism/ADHD, early exposure to pornography, and a major family breakdown. I was also violated by a trusted adult, which deeply affected me.

I have a memory I'm terrified may be real of briefly exposing myself to a much younger cousin while babysitting as a teenager, and possibly gesturing for them to touch me. I know for certain I wasn't seeking sexual gratification, and I didn't understand at the time that it could be considered sexual assault. I've since spoken with my cousin as an adult, they have no memory of me babysitting them, and we have a good relationship. There was no contact, no coercion, and it was stopped after a moment. I have never done anything like this since and have no attraction to children whatsoever.

I also have OCD and struggle with false memories and intrusive thoughts about whether I'm a good person, and I genuinely don't know if this memory is real. I'm struggling to make sense of all of this. I feel like I don't deserve anything. I'm not sharing my history to justify what may have happened, I take full responsibility,  but I'm looking for help understanding how to carry this.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us about this. What you're carrying sounds incredibly heavy, and the honesty and care you're bringing to this speaks to the kind of person you are today.

Something worth gently naming is that the way you're describing this experience. For example, the terror about the memory, the need to examine every detail, the catastrophic shame is very consistent with how OCD can show up around themes of morality and harm. OCD is known for attaching to the fears that feel most unbearable and using shame and rumination to keep you stuck in a loop. This doesn't automatically mean the answer is "it didn't happen," but it does mean that continuing to search for certainty by analyzing the memory and its details is unlikely to bring you peace, and may actually make things harder.

What is worth knowing is that children and teenagers who have experienced trauma, neglect, early exposure to sexual material, and untreated mental health challenges are at much higher risk of engaging in boundary-crossing behaviors. Not because they are dangerous people, but because trauma disrupts healthy development. Context doesn't erase impact, but it does matter when you're trying to understand your own story.

It's also meaningful that your cousin has no memory of this period and that your relationship is a good one. When someone has experienced something distressing, it often shows up in some way. For example, in the relationship, in their behavior, or in their wellbeing. The absence of that isn't a guarantee of anything, but it is a genuinely good sign and is worth holding onto rather than dismissing.

The most important thing you can do right now is work with a therapist trained in both OCD and trauma. They can help you navigate this without feeding the rumination cycle, and without dismissing the very real pain you're carrying. You have not repeated this behavior. You have no attraction to children. You have a good relationship with your cousin. Those things are real, and they are also part of your story. You deserve support in untangling this. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 6

It's been 32 years and I still struggle. When I was young, an older man initiated me into sexual things near my home. A few weeks later, I physically assaulted him (I'm a non-violent person, but I did) and my family punished me without ever asking why. Around the same time, my "best friend" abused me for an entire summer, using access to a PC as leverage to make me pleasure him.

I never told anyone until 2 years ago. When I told my wife, she didn't fully understand, and I wasn't able to share everything. I acted it out until my late 20s and carry a lot of shame around that, especially because I was already in a relationship at the time. I've been in therapy for 6 years, but my therapist seems to minimize what I experienced. How do I overcome this?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting us with this. That fact that you are seeking understanding after 32 years of carrying this, is a testament to your strength, even if it is hard to recognize that in this moment. What you endured was real and serious, and the ways it has rippled through your life make complete sense.

The physical response toward the man who initiated you into sexual things is something worth holding with a lot of compassion. Children who experience sexual harm often don't have the words or the safe adults to tell, and sometimes the body and the spirit find other outlets. That act was not evidence of a character flaw. It was a child trying to respond to something overwhelming that no child should ever face. The fact that your family punished you without curiosity, without asking why their calm, non-violent child had acted so out of character, is itself a significant wound. That silence and misattribution of blame can be just as lasting as the original harm.

What your friend did, using access and leverage to coerce you into sexual acts, is a form of abuse that is often misunderstood, especially when it happens between peers or people close in age. The confusion, the shame, and the way it can blur in memory because it came from someone who was supposed to be safe is a very normal response to something that was not normal or okay.

Acting it out in your later years is something many survivors experience, and it is one of the least talked about and most shame-inducing parts of surviving childhood sexual harm. It is not a moral failing. It is a trauma response. The shame you feel is understandable, but it does not mean you are a bad person. It means you were a person who was hurt and never given the tools to heal.

Regarding your therapist minimizing what you perceive as abuse, please trust your perception. You do not need a clinical label or someone else's validation to know that what happened to you caused harm. Six years is a long time to invest in a therapeutic relationship, and if you are consistently feeling minimized, it may be worth exploring whether this particular therapist is well-matched to trauma work, specifically complex or childhood trauma. Trauma-specialized modalities such as EMDR, somatic therapy, or trauma-focused approaches have strong evidence behind them and are worth asking about or seeking out. You deserve a therapist who meets the full weight of your experience with the seriousness it deserves.

Telling your wife, even partially, after 32 years of silence was an enormous act of courage. The fact that she didn't fully understand is painful, but it is also unfortunately not uncommon. Partners often don't have the framework to comprehend this kind of harm, especially when it's shared in pieces. Some survivors find that couples therapy with a trauma-informed therapist helps bridge that gap, not to relitigate the past, but to build a shared language going forward.

Healing from something this layered and this long-carried is not linear, and "overcoming" it may look less like making it disappear and more like slowly loosening its grip. I wish you more moments of peace, more self-compassion, and more room to live fully. That is possible and you deserve that.

Question 7

Can you broaden the definition of tonic immobility? I'm struggling with self-blame about my rape because I wasn't immobile the entire time. There were moments where I was frozen and wondering why I wasn't moving. There were also moments where I spoke up against what was happening, but when he disregarded me, I froze again. I tried so hard to advocate for myself but was in shock. During the moments I was frozen, I tried to breathe and hoped I could somehow "enjoy it." Does tonic immobility have a range of duration, or is an intermittent experience like mine actually common?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for asking this. What you're describing is not only valid, it's actually a very accurate and nuanced experience of tonic immobility.

Tonic immobility is often described as a complete inability to move, but that's an oversimplification that leaves a lot of survivors feeling like their experience doesn't "qualify." In reality, tonic immobility exists on a spectrum and can be intermittent. Research confirms that experiencing tonic immobility for only part of an assault is far more common than most people realize, meaning variability in duration is not even the exception. The body can also move between different defensive states during a traumatic event, which helps explain why moments of attempted action, like speaking up, can give way to freezing again, especially when those attempts are met with continued threat.

The moments where you were frozen and wondering why you weren't moving are one of the most painful hallmarks of tonic immobility. That awareness is a deeply distressing part of the experience that many survivors describe. It is also one of the reasons self-blame can feel so convincing, because it can feel like you "should" have been able to do something. But that sense of being stuck while aware is a neurological event, not a reflection of your willingness or desire.

Trying to breathe through those frozen moments, or hoping to find some way to tolerate what was happening, is also a recognized survival response. When the nervous system determines it cannot escape a threat, it will sometimes shift toward any strategy that makes the experience more survivable, including attempts at dissociation, or trying to find something, anything, to endure the moment. This is not enjoyment, and it is not consent. It is your mind trying to protect you from the full weight of what was being done to you.

Your did what you needed to do to survive at the time. Self-blame often focuses on what we didn't do, but your body and mind were actively working to protect you throughout. That deserves acknowledgment, and it deserves compassion.

Question 8

What do I do when I can't remember what happened or how I felt during childhood? I know my sister and I engaged in sexual play on an ongoing basis when I was young. I can remember two instances of actively feeling uncomfortable and not knowing how to get away, but I don't remember any emotions tied to the other experiences. In general I remember very little of the events of my childhood and even less of how I felt during it.

I have a lot of anxiety and depression and am several years into therapy, but I just remembered these two experiences. It's making me question what my childhood was actually like, and I have no idea how to find that answer. It's been distressing trying to figure out if my childhood was actually scary and whether it's the reason I feel so unhappy so much of the time.

I'm autistic and know I never talked to anyone about my feelings growing up. Because of the autism, I wonder if I was more sensitive, meaning things that seem relatively normal could have been extremely distressing for me personally, but I can't remember. I also don't know if I could have hidden my discomfort well enough for it to go unnoticed when I was that young.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting us with this. To start, I want you to know that what you're sitting with right now is one of the hardest places to be in, and it makes complete sense that it feels so unsettling. Memory gaps around childhood experiences, particularly ones that may have been confusing or uncomfortable, are incredibly common and do not mean something is wrong with you or that your experiences weren't real.

Memory, especially from early childhood, is not like a recording. Our brains, particularly at ages 4 through 7, are still developing the structures responsible for storing and organizing explicit memories. When experiences carry emotional weight, the brain sometimes stores them in fragmented ways. This can result in a feeling here, a flash of sensation there, without a clear narrative connecting them. This is not a failure of your mind. It is actually your mind doing what minds do, especially when something feels too big or confusing to fully process in the moment. The two instances you do remember (where you felt uncomfortable and didn't know how to get away) are meaningful data points, even without a full picture surrounding them.

It's also worth knowing that people with autism often process and store emotional experiences differently. Sensory and emotional sensitivity can make certain experiences register more intensely, and the tendency to mask or suppress distress can begin very early. It is absolutely possible that you experienced significant discomfort that went unspoken and unnoticed externally, even as a young child. That doesn't mean something was wrong with how you handled it. It means you were doing the only thing available to you at the time.

The distress you're feeling as you try to reconstruct your childhood is coming from a real place. But it's also important to gently hold the reality that you may never have complete clarity about what happened or how you felt and that the absence of that clarity doesn't have to prevent healing. Many people work through the impact of early experiences without ever recovering a full memory of them. Your nervous system, your anxiety, and your depression all carry the weight of experiences even when your conscious mind doesn't have access to the full story. Therapy that is attuned to trauma and to autistic experiences can help you work with what your body and emotions are telling you, even without a complete narrative.

Reaching out to family for factual information is something only you can decide whether to pursue, and there is no right answer. It may offer some pieces of context, or it may raise more questions than it answers. Either way, your healing does not depend on outside confirmation of what happened. What you remember is enough to take seriously and enough to bring into your therapeutic work. Thank you for reaching out to us.

Question 9

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

Accepted Answer

It is not uncommon for survivors to experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, including sexual arousal. This can be especially distressing for individuals who may feel guilty or ashamed for feeling aroused in response to a traumatic event.

Sexual arousal is a physical response that can occur even in the absence of sexual desire or consent. It is a physiological response that can be triggered by a wide range of stimuli, including thoughts, memories, and sensations. In the case of sexual assault survivors, it is possible that the body's natural response to physical stimulation may be triggered by memories or thoughts related to the assault, even if these thoughts and memories are not wanted or desired.

It is important to note that experiencing sexual arousal in response to memories of sexual assault is not an indication of consent or enjoyment of the assault. It is simply a physical response that the body may have learned to make in certain situations. If you are struggling with these feelings, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. They can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies to manage these difficult emotions.

Thank you for asking this tough question. You are not alone.

Question 10

A few years ago, I had a memory resurface of when I was 11-12 years old. I briefly (for a few seconds) placed the back of my hand on a family friend's (5-year-old male) private area. I remember him saying 'that is my private area' and I immediately removed my hand and never did that again. I'm not sure why I did it. I had a lot of sexual curiosity at that age and exposure to pornography. No other sexual actions occurred between us, and there was no intent to do anything sexual. I think I was just curious. I spoke to a therapist who said this wasn't COCSA or any sexual crime, and that it's not uncommon. She noted that although there was an age difference, there were no sexual actions taken or force/manipulation used. Do you agree with my therapist? I'm not sure if this was a crime or just normal childhood exploration.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing this memory with us and seeking clarity about it. The confusion and concern you are feeling are completely understandable, and it shows your care for others that you're reflecting on this experience thoughtfully.

Your therapist's assessment aligns with what many professionals would consider about this situation. What you're describing appears to be a brief moment of childhood curiosity rather than COCSA or criminal behavior. Several factors support this. For example, the contact was very brief, you immediately stopped when the other child expressed his boundary, there seemed to be no force or manipulation involved, and you never repeated the behavior.

Childhood sexual curiosity is developmentally normal, even when there are age differences involved. Children often explore through touch and observation as they try to understand bodies and differences. The key distinguishing factors that separate normal exploration from concerning behavior include the presence of coercion, repeated boundary violations after being told to stop, or behaviors that cause distress or harm.

Your immediate response to his boundary-setting shows that your childhood curiosity was not driven by harmful intent. You respected his "no" instantly and completely. This is actually a positive indicator that you were engaging in typical childhood exploration rather than problematic behavior.

The exposure to pornography at a young age likely did increase your sexual curiosity, as it does for many children. However, this doesn't mean your actions were predatory or criminal. You were still a child processing confusing information you weren't developmentally ready for.

Many adults carry shame about childhood moments that seem inappropriate through an adult lens, even when those moments were within the range of normal childhood development. The fact that this memory troubles you demonstrates your moral awareness and empathy, not evidence that you did something seriously wrong. Thank you for reaching out to us. We hope this helped ease your mind.

Question 11

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this extremely difficult question. Please know you are not alone and this does not invalidate the trauma you experienced. Arousal during sexual assault is a possible, but involuntary physiological response that does not imply consent or enjoyment. Resist the feelings of shame and self-blame that you are feeling. It is not your fault and your experiences are valid.

Survivors can experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, especially if they believe they experienced sexual arousal. Sexual arousal is a physical response that can occur even in the absence of sexual desire or consent. Arousal can be caused by fear, excitation transfer, nerve stimulation, or other factors. It is possible that your body's natural response to physical stimulation was triggered during your experience, even if those feelings are not wanted or desired.

To bring forward some research, of those who report sexual violence, it is estimated that around 1 in 20 people also describe experiencing orgasm. But the true numbers are likely much higher. For example, in a 2004 review paper, a clinician reports, “I (have) met quite a lot of victims (males) who had the full sexual response during sexual abuse…I (have) met several female victims of incest and rape who had lubrication and orgasm.” This further emphasizes that this is something many people struggle with, and there is nothing to be ashamed of.

If you are struggling with these feelings, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. I know it can feel embarassing to bring this up to your therapist, but if they have a background in sexual trauma, this is probably something they have heard before from other clients. Trained mental health providers can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies to manage these difficult emotions. If you feel your therapist will not understand, perhaps you would benefit from some complementary support from others who are more knowledgable about the diverse ways trauma and violence can manifest. You do not need to go through this alone.

Thank you for asking this tough question. We are here for you if you need us.

Question 12

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

Accepted Answer

The healing process can be an opportunity to regain the control and autonomy that is often taken away during a traumatic experience. You are in the driver seat of your recovery and you decide how you want to navigate your healing and what’s best for you.

Setting goals or benchmarks is one way to measure your growth and celebrate small wins as you recover after trauma. If you choose to set goals, remember that everyone heals in their own way and in their own time.

Be patient with your progress and compassionate toward yourself. Try not to compare your own growth to someone else’s—your path to recovery is yours and only yours.

What do you want to achieve? It can help to think about what’s important to you and what inspires you. You can work on something personal (like thinking more positively) or something more tangible (like making time for friends you’ve lost touch with).

Choosing goals that are specific and measurable makes them easier to achieve. Saying one kind thing to yourself daily for two weeks is a specific and measurable goal to think more positively. You can easily track it and tell if you’ve successfully accomplished it or not.

Once you choose a goal, think about whether it’s realistic for where you are right now in your healing process. Be gentle with yourself and the benchmarks you select. It’s okay if you don’t achieve a goal you set the first time. Large goals can be broken into smaller, more easily attainable goals. No goal is too small. Keep things simple. You will get there.

It’s helpful to have a mix of both short and long-term goals. How many goals are you focusing on at the same time? Focusing your attention on 2-3 goals at a time can make it easier to keep track of them.

You don’t have to recover or set goals alone. It’s okay to reach out to people you trust. Extra support and motivation can help you achieve your goals. It’s up to you to decide who you want to involve in your recovery process, even if it’s just having someone to celebrate with.

When you accomplish a goal, take a moment to take in your achievement. Acknowledge and celebrate growth, even if it’s small. It’s proof that you are still moving forward. Healing from trauma is hard work. It is not a straight-forward or easy process. It takes time, and you may experience setbacks along the way, but you can do it.

Question 13

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

Accepted Answer

When a loved one is going through a difficult time in their healing journey, they may look to you for support or encouragement.  However, it is important to remember that your own mental health is important too. Trauma is extremely painful and sometimes no matter what you do as a bystander, it can feel like not enough. At times like these, you may need to set boundaries to ensure that your needs are addressed as well.

Setting boundaries can be difficult, especially if you have not had much practice. First, think about what your needs and limits are. This can include the level of financial, emotional, and physical help you are willing to provide. When you are ready, share with your loved one in a calm situation, rather than in the heat of the moment. Use “I” statements to show your perspective. After you have communicated these boundaries, it is important to follow through and re-emphasize them when needed. Resist feelings of guilt. This does not mean you do not care about them.

You can also help by suggesting other means of support. Therapists or local crisis centers have experience working with people with trauma and are trained to help. You may also find these services helpful for your own processing. It is not uncommon for local crisis centers to  also offer services for loved ones of those who have experienced trauma.

Just because someone has experienced trauma, does not mean that they have a right to take their anger out on you. If you feel that you are being verbally, physically, or sexually harmed, set a limit if it feels safe, remove yourself from the situation, and seek help if you need it.

It can be difficult to help your friends if you run out of emotional or physical energy. Focusing on your own self-care is not selfish, it sometimes may be necessary. As the saying goes, put your mask on first...then offer assistance.

Question 14

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for your question. If you have not experienced any form of gender-based harm, it might be hard to imagine why survivors who go through these horrific experiences do not always report them. Unfortunately, due to the characteristics of one's sexual harm experience, the lack of protection for survivors, and historical injustices within the criminal-legal system, gender-based violence is the most underreported crime. For example, it is estimated that 63% of sexual assaults are not reported to police and only 12% of child sexual abuse is reported to the authorities.

There are many reasons why survivors may feel hesitant to report their experience. We will list a few of these reasons below:

It is not safe for them to report the assault at this time or they fear perpetrator or family retaliation.
They want to put the incident behind them or forget it happened.
They aren’t sure that what happened meets the legal definition of sexual assault or rape.
They are in shock.
They feel shame or self-blame.
They fear not being believed or being socially isolated from friends or family
They fear being blamed.
They fear being revictimized by law enforcement or the court.
They fear that they will not receive justice.
They fear that their offender will not be held accountable.

Whatever the reason, and there are many more, remember that ultimately it is the survivor's choice whether or not they want to report their experience. For some, reporting is not necessary for their healing. Others just do not want to go through any additional trauma or heartache. Support and respect the choices the survivors in your life make related to reporting. This will make you a valuable ally as they navigate healing in the aftermath.

References

Rennison, C. A. (2002). Rape and sexual assault: Reporting to police and medical attention, 1992-2000 [NCJ 194530]. Retrieved from the U.S. Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, Bureau of Justice Statistics: http://bjs.ojp.usdoj.gov/content/pub/pdf/rsarp00.pdf

Hanson, R. F., Resnick, H. S., Saunders, B. E., Kilpatrick, D. G., & Best, C. (1999). Factors related to the reporting of childhood rape. Child Abuse and Neglect, 23,559–569. doi:10.1016/S0145-2134(99)00028-9

Question 15

How do I understand why something triggers me?

Accepted Answer

Highly emotional & stressful experiences “trigger” a part of the brain called the amygdala. Usually, the amygdala is helpful and works to keep us safe from dangerous situations by activating a fear response.

After a traumatic experience, the amygdala can become overactive, causing fear responses even if you are not in any danger. Your reaction may be to fight, flee, or freeze, interfering with daily tasks and functioning, even if you’re in a completely safe situation.

Sometimes triggers are more obvious—like seeing violence on a tv show or hearing about it on the news. It makes sense why watching or hearing something traumatic would bring up memories or feelings from your own trauma.

Other times, triggers can feel more subtle or hard to anticipate. They can include just about anything--from hearing a song, to hugging someone, to smelling something, to the way a piece of fabric or clothing feels, or even just going to a doctor’s appointment.

While triggers can feel isolating & scary, especially when they happen in public or around other people, know that you are not alone. Over two-thirds of survivors of sexual assault report experiencing triggers.

Over time you can identify the situations that might trigger you. Anticipating these situations and learning relaxation strategies can make it easier to cope with them. While it feels good to avoid triggers in the short-term, it’s not always possible to predict all potential triggers.

Experiencing a trigger in a safe situation that does not pose danger & coping with it, can help your amygdala re-learn that these cues aren’t actually signs of real danger. This process can help decrease the intensity & frequency of triggers over time.

Many survivors of trauma or viσlence will notice an improvement in post-traumatic symptoms naturally over time. For others, these symptoms might not improve on their own & can interfere with their daily lives.

If you notice that your triggers are affecting you & not improving, you might consider reaching out to your social network for support or consider seeking professional help to navigate recovery. You know yourself best & what type of support sounds right to you.

Question 16

When I was young, my younger sibling who was 6 at the time repeatedly engaged in sexual acts with me over the course of a week. I allowed it to happen because it felt good at the time and I didn't think it was wrong. Does this count as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us. What you've described is a complex and confusing situation that some children face, but aren't sure how to make sense of as adults. Developmentally, it's common for children, especially young ones, to explore their bodies and engage in sexual play with other children as part of learning about their bodies and sexuality. In this vein, some degree of exploratory play between siblings is also not unusual, particularly if there hasn't been a lot of education about boundaries. However, depending on the specific circumstances, duration, and aftermath of sibling sexual play, these experiences can sometimes fall into a complex area known as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA).

There are many reasons a young child might initiate sexual behavior. In some cases, it may be a sign that they themselves have experienced abuse and are acting out what was done to them. However, even children who have not been abused may engage in sexual behavior due to curiosity, lack of boundaries, imitating something they saw in media, seeking physical closeness, or simply discovering that touching certain body parts feels good. At 6 years old, your sibling likely did not fully grasp the implications of their actions or have any abusive intent.

However, this doesn't necessarily mean the experience was harmless for you. Even when the other child is quite young and the touch felt physically pleasurable, sibling sexual experiences can still feel violating or traumatic, especially from an adult perspective. If you're struggling with distress, shame, confusion or other difficult emotions related to this memory, your feelings are valid. The events may have impacted you in ways that are worth processing with a compassionate professional.

You might consider reaching out to a counselor who has experience helping adults work through confusing or distressing childhood sexual experiences. They can provide a safe, non-judgmental space for you to explore your memories and feelings. If you feel safe and comfortable, you could also consider discussing the situation with your sibling to get a sense of their perspective and experience. They may be struggling with their own conflicted feelings and memories. However, don't feel obligated to take this step if it doesn't feel right to you.

Most importantly, remember that you were a child dealing with a situation you should never have had to navigate alone. Practice self-compassion as you reflect on and work through this experience. What happened was not your fault. Reach out for further processing and help if you need it. Thank you again for trusting us with this experience.

Question 17

I was kissed by someone while I was drunk. At the moment, I didn't say no and was into it. However, once the alcohol wore off, I wished it hadn't happened. When I confronted the person and told them they shouldn't have engaged sexually with someone who was drunk and that the only appropriate thing to do with a drunk person is to help them walk or get somewhere safe, they responded by saying that I was the one who approached them repeatedly and didn't let them leave, even tearing up when they tried to go. Does this justify them kissing a drunk person? Does it make them less at fault and me more responsible?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us and sharing your story. The situation you've described is complex and raises important questions about consent and responsibility when alcohol is involved. It's crucial to understand that when someone is intoxicated, their ability to give clear, informed, and enthusiastic consent is compromised. Even if a drunk person seems to be initiating or agreeing to sexual activity, it's the responsibility of the sober party to recognize that the intoxicated person is not in a state to make fully coherent decisions.

Your feelings of regret and unease after the fact are valid and important indicators that something about the situation was not right for you. It's common for people to have different perceptions and desires when they're under the influence compared to when they're sober.

The other person's response, suggesting that you were the one who pursued them and didn't let them leave, seems to be an attempt to shift the blame and responsibility onto you. While it's possible that you were more forward or emotional due to the alcohol, this does not excuse the other person's decision to engage with you sexually.

However, it's important to consider that they may have genuinely misread the situation. If you were being physically affectionate and expressing a desire for them to stay, they might have interpreted that as consent or interest in sexual activity, especially if they lacked education about consent and the impact of alcohol on one's ability to give it.

While this potential misunderstanding doesn't completely absolve them of responsibility, it does add nuance to the situation. It highlights the importance of clear, verbal communication about consent and boundaries, particularly when one or both parties are under the influence.

As the sober party, they had the responsibility to prioritize your safety and well-being, even if that meant firmly but kindly removing themselves from the situation. Kissing someone who is drunk, especially if they are showing signs of emotional distress or impaired judgment, is taking advantage of their vulnerable state.

It's important to remember that you are not responsible for what happened. Being drunk and even being flirtatious does not mean you consented to or deserved to be taken advantage of. The other person, as the sober one, had the power and the obligation to make the right choice, which would have been to not engage with you sexually.

However, it's also important to acknowledge that only you can decide how to make sense of and label this experience. If it feels like a violation or a form of assault to you, that is valid. If you're unsure or hesitant to use those terms, that is also okay. What matters most is how you feel about what happened and what kind of support you need to process it.

Consider reaching out to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist to talk through your feelings. You may also find it helpful to contact a sexual assault hotline or support organization for additional processing of this situation. Remember, you deserve to have your boundaries and well-being respected, and you are not to blame for someone else's decision to take advantage of your intoxicated state. Thank you so much for sharing this with us. You are not alone.

Question 18

Is it sexual assault if I said no several times, but the other person kept insisting until I eventually said yes?

Accepted Answer

I'm so sorry you went through this. What you're describing is a situation where your initial boundaries were clear. You said no multiple times. When someone continues to pressure you after you've declined, wearing you down until you agree, that "yes" isn't freely given. Consent requires that both people feel comfortable and respected in their decision. If you felt like you had to say "yes" just to stop the repeated insisting, or because you were exhausted by the pressure, it's understandable that this experience would leave you feeling violated.

Sexual assault doesn't only happen with physical force. It can also occur through coercion, where someone's repeated requests wear you down until you feel you have no other option but to agree. Coercion removes genuine consent because real consent needs to be freely given, not obtained through persistence, pressure, or manipulation.

You did nothing wrong by initially refusing and later giving in under pressure. It's completely understandable to question what happened and whether it "counts" as assault. Many survivors struggle with this exact question, especially when they eventually said yes. It can be confusing to recognize that a reluctant "yes" doesn't automatically mean there was genuine consent. But here's what matters: you tried to hold your boundary. You communicated what you wanted, or rather, what you didn't want. The fact that someone kept pushing past those stated boundaries until you relented doesn't mean you truly consented. It means you were worn down.

Your feelings about what happened matter, and if it was distressing or felt forced, your discomfort is valid. What you experienced was a violation of your boundaries. Whether you call it sexual assault or not is entirely up to you. Some people find that naming it helps them process what happened, while others don't feel that label fits their experience. Both responses are okay. What matters most is that you weren't treated with the respect you deserved, and what happened to you wasn't right.

You deserve support and understanding as you sort through these complex emotions. It may help to find someone you trust or a professional resource to talk with about how this is impacting you. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 19

What does it mean to be loved?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for your question. It's a fundamental question.

I think being loved means feeling truly safe when you're with someone and feeling like "the other person is really paying attention to me."
It's a relationship where your feelings, boundaries, and needs are respected without being denied.

True love and compassion is not about getting special favors.
It's in the little things that accumulate every day, such as the other person being there for you and accepting you as you are.

Love may mean someone listening carefully when you share your fears.
It may be that they offer kind words of encouragement when you are going through a difficult time.
And I think it's about creating a place where you can be yourself.

A loving connection isn't a relationship where only one person has to work hard.
It's a relationship where we trust each other and feel comfortable opening up to each other.
Even if I have days when I lose confidence in myself, that person's warmth reminds me that I am someone who is cherished.

Feeling loved helps us realize that it's okay to value our feelings and that our voices have power.
And above all, it makes you feel like you don't have to live alone.

Someone is there for you, respects your experience, and genuinely cares about you.
I think that's what it means to be loved.

Question 20

What should I do if I get groped in public by a stranger?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. Being groped in public by a stranger is a deeply violating and traumatic experience that no one should ever have to endure. It's an unfair and unacceptable invasion of your personal space and bodily autonomy. The shock, fear, and distress you might feel in such a situation are completely valid. It's important to acknowledge that this is a form of sexual assault, and you have every right to feel upset, angry, or overwhelmed.

If you're groped in public by a stranger, your safety should be your top priority. Immediately try to move away from the person who groped you. Clearly and loudly say "Stop!" or "Don't touch me!" to draw attention and establish that the contact was unwanted. If you feel safe doing so, report the incident to nearby authority figures like security guards, store managers, or transit officials. You might even consider calling the police to report the sexual assault, especially if you feel in danger, although it is understandable if that does not feel like a safe option for you.

If there are witnesses, ask if they saw what happened and would be willing to corroborate your account. Try to remember details about the perpetrator's appearance to aid in identification. After ensuring your immediate safety, seek support from friends, family, or a counselor to process the experience. You may also want to contact a sexual assault hotline for additional guidance and support.

Remember, the assault was not your fault. You have the right to feel safe in public spaces. It's important to take care of your mental and emotional wellbeing in the aftermath. Everyone reacts differently to such experiences, so be patient with yourself as you process what happened. You are not alone.

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Topics

Is there a support group for survivors?

Why so some people become hypersexual or asexual after sexual assault?

Is anal sex considered rape?

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

How do I understand why something triggers me?

When I was young, my younger sibling who was 6 at the time repeatedly engaged in sexual acts with me over the course of a week. I allowed it to happen because it felt good at the time and I didn't think it was wrong. Does this count as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)?

Is it sexual assault if I said no several times, but the other person kept insisting until I eventually said yes?

What does it mean to be loved?

What should I do if I get groped in public by a stranger?

Is there a support group for survivors?

Is anal sex considered rape?

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

When I was young, my younger sibling who was 6 at the time repeatedly engaged in sexual acts with me over the course of a week. I allowed it to happen because it felt good at the time and I didn't think it was wrong. Does this count as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)?

What does it mean to be loved?

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

What should I do if I get groped in public by a stranger?

Why so some people become hypersexual or asexual after sexual assault?

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

How do I understand why something triggers me?

Is it sexual assault if I said no several times, but the other person kept insisting until I eventually said yes?

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