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When I was younger I had this friend, we’ll call her friend. She wasn’t always kind to me, in fact she was often rude to me. She was way more mature than me even though she was younger, and that included being sexually more educated than I was. We were 7 or 8 at this point I think, and at her house she had a hot tub that her mom would let us go in sometimes. I can’t remember if this happened during the same play date, but she tried to show me videos of wlw sexual activities. This included scissoring, etc. and she seemed very obsessed with it. I was weirded out and uninterested and left the room, but it was weird. Anyways, one time we were in the hot tub, she repeatedly tried to convince me to get out of the hot tub and try scissoring or whatever. I really didn’t want to and felt weird, but she eventually coerced me to. I remember feeling really uncomfortable and like it was just wrong. I feel like something else happened, either penetration or something oral, but my memory betrays me. I had another very sexually oriented friend at a young age who dared me to “pull my pants down and have sx with the wall” when I was around 7, in addition to her telling me lots of made up sex stories, to which again I was very disturbed. I think these repeated encounters as a child is part of what has led me to be a mostly sex repulsed asexual person, and I struggle deeply with my boundaries when it comes to physical touch. I recently had an experience where me and a friend were both drunk and she sort of pushed my boundaries after I said no over and over (I put this story in the q+a section.) I didn’t realize the childhood stories until recently and it’s been a bit over a decade. How can I feel safe and comfortable in my own body again and process this, as well as getting better at boundaries?

I learned from my partner that she was gang-raped. Rn we live in different cities. We had a stupid argument on the phone, after which she shared with me about what she's been through via text and she went silent completely. As soon as I read that she's been. My world shattered, I texted her that I have to cool off and I'll be back. It took me an hour to cool down and answer with words of support and love. I didn't ask any questions. I just said she can reach out whenever she's ready. I don't know who to talk to. I was so fkng furious, I felt so much pain and sadness. I couldn't sleep for 24 hrs and just got a 2-hour sleep at least. I feel broken and scared not knowing how can I be strong enough to support her and not fail myself. I want to make those men pay. I have never felt such rage in my life. I just don't know what to do now. I can't really talk to anyone about it. I try to focus on other things, but my mind just can't focus on anything. I keep thinking about it. And I wonder how she feels rn, I wanna support her and talk to her, but I don't want to push her. I hope she will reach out to me soon. I'm so afraid what's gonna happen next, I don't want her to see me so weak and broken and wonder for how long Id be able to look strong and not break. I don't wanna fail her. I love her so much. I never thought Id feel so much pain and anger. I know I shouldn't push her or ask her questions, but I wanna know the names of those pieces of shit. I hope she gains courage to stand up and fight some day, bcz I can't imagine living and knowing those monsters are still out there. I hate life so much rn and I was always the most positive person. I wish I could erase our memories, I can't imagine what she's been through. I love her so much, and I just hope I can be strong and we can push through this together.

This is my story. When I was younger than 5, I was raped. My memory blocked out the person who did it. So I don’t remember who did it. It makes me so angry, I don’t remember any of my childhood except for the sexual abuse parts. I remember at four years old, I only wanted to be involved with things if it regarded something sexual. There was never a time in my life where I’ve felt innocent. At the ripe age of four I knew all about kinks, positions, different kinds of sex, and looking back, the signs were screaming at everyone around me. I was very sexual, and I was very violent. The only things I wanted to watch was porn or gore. I was 5. I was scared of the bathroom, and I had accidents at school every day because I was scared of restrooms. Sometimes I’d cry when I’d have to go in there. Then, at 5 also, I had internet access. That’s when I had found out that the rape I endured was “normal” (it wasn't) because of the pornos I watched. It exposed me to way more things than the rape I experienced. And obviously, the rape that happened made me an angry child. So I took that anger and acted violent. I remember the only time I would play with my toys, like any child should, was if I was pretending they were having sex, being raped, or simply breaking the toys. Over my life, I have felt pissed. Pissed at the world, pissed at my family, why couldn’t anyone see this? Why did this happen? There has never been a time in my life where I was innocent. I feel filthy. I feel disgusting, I don’t feel like a girl, I feel like a wasted potential of a human. I know it wasn’t my fault. And nobody can sit in their pity forever. I have therapy now, I have been to mental health facilities, and I have gotten so much help from family and friends. The feeling of being rotten can’t go away. But I think I speak for every rape victim when I say, it sure is validating knowing that it’s not your fault. And the way I’m handling this such life changing situation, is just how any human would. You are not alone, and there is a huge difference between feeling filthy and being filthy. And I and many other survivors, are not filthy. Because of the abuse I endured, I’m scared of love. Many times, I don’t think love exists. I’m scared of sex, I’m scared of marriage, and I hate to say it, but sometimes I’m scared of guys. I’ve lost hope in true romance. The only time someone wanted me “romantically” was when I was 4. That’s a kind of lost hope, that I don’t know how to over come from. I feel like a baby, sometimes I get triggered by sex scenes, by beauty standards even. I feel like such a Debbie downer. Anything with lust, I get triggered. And I feel horrible for it. I want to joke around, I want to have fun, but that kind of topic is something I can never erase from my memory. Thank you for reading my story, you are not alone. And you are not filthy, or a burden. Be gentle with yourself, and give yourself time to recover.

I could never remember my childhood well, even as a kid. But I started to be hypersexual at 3, and so thats when I believe me and my brother started touching (hes 3 and a half years older). When I was 12 I remembered and told my parents, my mom freaked out and screamed at me. She said it was my fault and that it wasn't too bad if I didn't tell anyone. I fear thats she's right. When I was 14 and in deep psychosis, I felt like there was more to remember. I started to feel my brother's hands over my body and mouth. I remembered us having sex 3 times. The first time when I was 6 and the last when I was 8. One of those times he was hitting me and pinning me. I dont know how real those memories are because I recovered them in psychosis. I started doing really bad cus all I could think about was me and my brother fucking. A couple of months ago I remembered my brother fucking me with his hands around my neck (which was painful). Im so scared that really happened because I see my brother daily and hes my best friend. Im worried ill remember more.

Last year I was gang raped. I have an ear ringing called tinnitus that has not stopped since. I have nightmares. I flew with my mom to a wedding overseas. I was excited. She would be busy with her friends and cousin and I would get to spend time with my awesome second cousin who is two years older than me. After the rehearsal dinner we went out. It was fun because I was not legally able to drink there even though the age was lower than in my province, but they did not check ID’s. I did not drink much because it was not my thing and I had a boyfriend but I was able to go to some bars then a club attached to a hotel. So much fun up to when we met two soldiers in uniform who were cute and separated us from her friends because of our looks. My cousin is stunning beautiful. They had a private room at the club and several soldiers were there and two prostitutes also. Those prostitutes definitely hated us being there. I wanted to get out anyway and the cute ones that invited us acted like they understood and took us out of there. We stupidly let them take us to their hotel room where they totally dropped the cute romantic act and made us strip our clothes to music. They showed us a gun they had in a drawer. I was terrified. They made us lay on our stomachs bent over the bed side by side and had sex with us that way. They switched like we were interchangeable before finishing in us with no protection. We held hands. I was crying while my cousin was trying to be strong and cheer me up. We weren’t allowed to leave and our clothes were hidden. Before took our phones we had to text that we were staying at my cousin’s friend’s house. Then they called two other soldiers, one of them a huge tall dark guy with body builder muscles. He was the worst to me. They made us dance and then we had to use our mouths on the cute ones that had lured us there while the other two had sex with us. I vomited and my cousin cleaned it up but then it started again. They had cocaine and made us sniff it off their parts and sniffed it off us. Another one came and I think it was just those five during the night but they kept raping us and making us do things even when we would pass out. I would like to have been more unconscious but cocaine makes you so awake. I want to remember less and think about it all less. We showered many times. The big dark one peed on me and in my mouth the shower. He did it more than once like I was his toilet. The other men even had to tell him to chill out when he was making me scream liking his fingers and pushing them in my arse, but not when he made me crawl around like a dog using my hair as a leash. I remember one of them calling their friends to tell them to turn all their t.v.’s way up to hide the noise in our room. They watched sports news on the t.v. They had me and my cousin kiss each other and stuff. I could not act like it was a fun party like my cousin did sometimes and encouraged me to do. She tried to take some of their attention away from me over and over. I love her for it but they did not leave me alone. My chest is something they were obsessed with. They did not care that I was obviously distressed and freaking out or that in my country I was three years below the age of consent. There I was the minimum. We woke up in the morning on one the beds together with only the two soldiers sleeping on the floor. The black one was gone! They had sex with us again and another man who was much older and who they called SIR came in and had sex with both us but mostly me. They cheered him on and my head was pounding and I was crying and it seemed to last forever. Finally we got our clothes back but they took us for brunch wearing their normal clothes. They showed me pictures on their phones that made it look like I was having fun and warned us how bad it would be if we said anything different than we had a nice party. A nice party in hell! Before that I’d had sex with only my 1 boyfriend ever. One night of hell and now my number was seven!! We had to start getting ready for the wedding right away and I was exhausted. My cousin hid me and I took a nap in my dress, hair and makeup until the last minute. I cried in the ceremony but not for the wedding. I was so sore in my vagina, muscles, and brain that I got so drunk at the reception I barely remember any of it. Just part of being on the plane home. I told my mom the truth when I got back and she got all crazy, so did my dad, and they tried to call over there and the hotel and such but there was nothing the police would do. I saw my dad cry for the first time as I told the whole story. My boyfriend could not handle it and dumped me. I go to group and do therapy. I take a pill everyday and now benzo’s for break through anxiety. I try to hide my large chest under baggy clothes where before I used it for attention. STUPID! My cousin does not seem to have the trauma I do or the nightmares. In her country they are done with secondary school up to two years before us and are more treated like adults sooner. I said mean things to her once because of it. She forgave me but we talk much less since I asked if she has gang bangs all the time. I felt terrible because she even let them have anal sex with her to lure them away from me. I could tell it hurt her so much but at the time was just thinking about my own survival. My childhood is OVER but I do not feel like an adult. Her advice is -Don’t let it get you so down-. Like I have a choice in this!! She went to a therapist ONCE because her mom made the appointment and does not plan to go back. Her life did not really change!! She works reception at a tech company and models on the side and still goes to parties and clubs and dates. How??? It is unbelievable how attitudes toward something like this can be so different in different countries. I am a victim now and I usually feel like it. Definitely damaged. Everybody at my school knows why. I am THAT girl. My new more mature boyfriend is understanding but I feel like a sad little burden to him. I am hypersexual sometimes now and can’t help it. It is a coping mechanism that happens to some victims of sexual assault. I did not ask for it. I worry my boyfriend can’t trust me because of it. I had an older guy friend who’s been my neighbor for years take advantage of me after I told him the story of what happened at his house. We had sex and then he felt guilty for being turned on by my rape story. He admitted it and asked me to forgive him. The sex helped me calm the ear ringing for just short time periods so I did it with him more than once a day for a bit until my dad started to suspect something and talked to him. Since then I don’t trust myself. I want to marry my boyfriend in large part just to protect myself and show him I love him and am loyal even though I am not sure I can be. I worry I cannot love like a normal person. I worry I push him away being too needy and wanting to marry him so soon. I need him more than he needs me. Is that the way it will always be in relationships for rape victims??? I work hard at school not to ruin my future. It is so hard to focus. My ears ring constantly. Thank you for listening.