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Im still trying to heal through all of my issues, I stay isolated and quiet and find it hard to make friends sometimes. my story started years ago as a lil boy my my older cousin always kept touching on me and laughed it off until he took me upstairs and told me how good it would feel to me. I later cried and told family in front of him he laughed and they laughed but at least it stopped . other cousins would tell what happened to me to there friends making it awkward to be around people. but with time people forgot. fast forward 3 or so years i'm nine at least I think ,and my older female cousin tells me im pretty I should stop being shy she would show me how to have sex and be a ladies man. well she did but it didn't end there her and a friend of hers set me up with a girl my age and watched me have sex a few times with her until I got old enough to stay home by myself . today I much older but very hyper sexual and long story short my past has caused a lot of my problems. it feels good to finally tell somebody.

I need to tell someone this, I haven't told a single soul not my parents, friends, partner, no one and I need to get it off my chest. I want to start this off by saying I've never had a good family bond, my father was a stoner and barely there, my mother an angry drunk, 2 older sisters who hated me and a twin brother who treated me like a maid. I've had an eating disorder since I was 8 years old, I used to leave the house at 6am everyday, run around the block far too many times and then work out for 2 hours before returning home and starving myself. This went on for around 4 years. One Saturday morning when I was 11 I decided to change it up and ran to the park to run laps of it, I was running circles of the park for around 10 minutes before I was grabbed. A man dragged me into the bathrooms and forced himself on me, I was so malnourished and weak I couldn't fight back. I sat there and sobbed in pain as he did what he wanted, once he finished I thought I was done but I was unbelievably wrong. The man left the bathroom as I laid on the floor sobbing, he came back but with a friend. I was horrified I knew he brought his friend to have 'his turn' but I was also wrong about that. They ended up picking me up and carrying me into a car, they threw me on the backseat and told me to stay down. I complied, afraid of what they would do to me if I didn't. After god knows how long of driving in pure terror they parked and yanked me out. I didn't know where I was but they quickly dragged me into a house where they would then take turns raping me for a few days. After I was all 'used up' they threw me back in the car and drove back to the park and released me; I am still shocked as to why they would release me rather than killing me cause I could have told someone. My parents didn't even notice that I was missing for a few days, I stumbled in the door, bleeding, sobbing, and begging for help. My dad was out with some friends and mum just drunkenly yelled at me to clean the table. No one cared where I had been or what happened to me. Sometimes I wish those men had killed me, I began self harming at only 9 years old and attempted to overdose at 10. Many years later and I still self harm and my most recent attempt was only 2 months ago. I have caused permanent damage to my liver and kidneys from the medication I over dosed on. I wish they killed me.

So I was sexually assaulted last night and I feel nothing today. Nothing at all. I was grateful when the guy let me go this morning. He didn't care that I was crying, or how I was feeling or that he was causing me a lot of physical pain. There was no way to get away. He was a foot taller than me and so much stronger and he had his hand around my throat. I was afraid he would snap my neck or choke me out because of how his hand was gripping my neck and how much of my neck his hand covered. He told me he was glad I was very small, and how size matters when it comes to strength. I felt like a mouse in the jaws of a lion. I struggled to breathe. I was afraid I was going to die. He was upset with me last night because I started bleed a lot while he was assaulting me. He was fucking mad at me for bleeding on him. He was mad at me this morning because I was trying to sneak away when he fell asleep. He started assaulting me all over again and for some reason decided to stop and let me go. Maybe because he was tired. As soon as I got away I was walking and walking and called an Uber to take me home. I felt so numb. All I knew was I had to get home. I had to go celebrate my friend’s birthday with her this morning and smile and pretend I was ok. Then I had to go to work. I'm home now, and I just feel so numb and like I don't care about anything. I just don't care anymore. I don't care about me. I don't matter at all. That's how I feel. I just feel like I'm nothing. And I don't want to see my friends or anyone. I just want to lay in my bed forever and sleep. I have to go to work tomorrow. I have to keep going about my life like everything is ok. I have to be normal and not fall apart. I haven't told anyone apart from here right now. I won't tell anyone. No point. People will be like it's your fault. So I'm just going to pretend I'm fine. I'm not fine. I hate myself so much for having put myself in the situation where that could happen. It was a date. I should know better than to trust any man or ever try to find love. It doesn't exist. I am not a person, I'm just an object. I'm going to ask doctor tomorrow (they aren't open today) for meds to prevent pregnancy and treat any possible stds. I won't tell him what happened because I don't want to talk about it with anyone I know personally. I just want to forget about it.

It’s a shame to be you. So wrapped up in you. Clinging to your innocence. But I know it’s untrue. I know you! Your mother-raised a rapist. Wish I could say it to her face. “Your son- is a disgrace.” “You’ve never felt pressure, sweetheart.” That’s what you’d say But I felt your abuse… Every single day. Your words were like poison ivy. Your presence like quick sand. But I know in my soul, You’re the weakest type of man. But that pressure built up. My skin became tough. No longer sinking in your quick sand. Because pressure- makes Diamonds. It’s a shame to be you. When I get to be me. Someone worthy of love. And I get to be free. I get to feel safe, And I know who I am. I know I deserved better. I deserve a good man. I’m so glad that I’m me. And I’m so glad that you’re you. Because- while I am a Diamond, Well, you’re nothing, aren’t you?

The body remembers trauma. I didn’t know this until I experienced it myself. After a fun and rambunctious night with my husband (now ex) I woke up the next morning feeling particularly sore. As I sat on the toilet I realized that this soreness was something I had felt before. I then had a flashback from my sophomore year in college. When I woke up groggy after a night of partying with my soccer teammates. I headed to the bathroom. As I peed I felt that sore and ache-y feeling. I didn’t know what it was and wrote it off as cramps and hangover. I remember looking in the mirror and seeing that I wasn’t wearing my pajamas. Just a random top and shorts. When I got back to my dorm room my then boyfriend was just waking up. And that was the end of my flashback. I then realized my sexual history was a lie. I thought I had lost my virginity to my husband and he was my first and only partner. But this changed everything. I lost my virginity to my boyfriend who raped me and I had no idea. My sexual narrative and my identity changed in my late 30's because of this revelation. Who am I? What does this mean? Bits and pieces from the night returned. I know we drank a lot. I know he walked me home. Thats all I can remember because I blacked out. Is it better that I blacked out? That I cant remember the horrible thing done to me? I don't know. I just feel a bit lost and scared for the 19 year old me who was young and naive. She didn't know what to do. Now in my early 40's divorced and a single parent I'm healing the wounds that were invisible and hiding for so long. Im listening to my body now. And I'm going to nourish it.

Hello. I've shared my stories many times but it never seems to sink in what happened to me I mean. The first time I was raped it was by a guy I loved. We were going to have vaginal sex but then he moved down to do anal. I told him no. He told me to relax and started pushing it in then I tried to get away from him. But he held me down and pushed it in. I kicked him and he stopped. I cried that day. It wasn't the first time he forced me to do things. And all I wanted was for him to love me. But he used me instead. I also was never sure if it was rape. Until now I think it's starting to sink in

My name is Name I am a lifelonglocation 1and relocated to location 2 3 years ago. I never thought in my most horrific Nightmares that I would have a devastating story like this to tell. But now I do and this is my location 2 life. Welcome to location 2. The land of delusion. I have been trying to file a lawsuit for the following abuse and mental/psychological cruelty that has happened to me since relocating to this God forsaken state: -False Imprisonment -Medical Malpractice/Medical Negligence -Defamation of Character -Falsafying Records I have been trying to file these claims against Mental Institution Name in location 2. I have been working with Name 2 of Organization Name since last year regarding ordering a site inspection against this facility due to all the violations they committed that have gone unnoticed and undocumented from the inspection done by Agency Name Please see below for an outline of what has occurred: ========================== Date: Followed up on my rape kit done at the Rape Crisis Center Name a few weeks prior with the policewoman assigned to my case, Name 3. I went to the precinct to speak to her because I missed her call and they told me she was going to come to me later that day. Name 3 of the Name of Department came to my apartment later that day with 2 other policemen/women, bullied and forced me out of my home, Name 4 Acted me and sent me to Psych Ward Name via ambulance and restraints. I was told by all 3 police that Hospital Namewas going to examine me and look into why my stomach was so enlarged. I was kept at Psych Ward Name all night. No one examined me nor did the ask about my stomach issues or my vaginal soreness from being REPEATEDLY raped. I was then taken by ambulance in the middle of the night to Mental Institution Name 2. All of this was STRONGLY AGAINST MY WILL. Date 2: 1st day at Mental Institution Name 2: --Violently ill and throwing up nonstop from the medication, which they stated they had no record of the next day in their charts, I was then given a shot in the buttocks because I refused the medication that made me ill and then reacted terribly from the shot, jumping out of my skin for a straight 24 hours. --Complained of my vaginal soreness throughout my 2 week stay due to being repeatedly raped and no medicine was given to me for this, I was completely ignored. --Was unable to shower for days due to lack of towels --Badgered/Harrassed by another drunk patient who threw her dirty diaper in my room in the middle of the night and frightened me. When I complained to staff about this nothing was done. ---Changed my medication the first time with a new medication which caused my tongue to swell up, was unable to talk the entire day/evening. --Psychiatrist who was assigned to me decided to change my medication again throughout my 2 week stay which made me more anxious, feeling like I was going to have panic attacks. She then decided to give me an injection to treat skyzophrenia in my left arm. I am NOT SKYZOPHRENIC. My left arm blew up and was very achy. She wanted to keep me for an additional 4 days after that to give me the second injection so I then petitioned the court to be discharged with the help of the public defender, Public Defender. Public Defender never mentioned anything about the mandatory 72 hour hold for LegalActs, as I was already kept against my will for nearly 2 weeks before reaching out to him for assistance. I Learned that on the police report Name 3 stated false 911 calls. THIS IS A BLATANT LIE and the report was falsified. I followed up on a rape kit and responded to Name 3's call ONLY WHEN SHE CALLED ME. Date 3 Discharged from Mental Institution Name 2 I was traumatized for a week after being discharged. I was unable to drive or leave my house due to constant panic attacks. To this day I still baracade my front door with 3 dining room chairs due to lack of protection from the police, as my rapist is still at large. In addition to this, I was told the police threw out my Rape Case due to insufficient information. REGARDING THE INSPECTION FROM Agency Name: It was 7 months from point of complaint sent to the field office for them to inspect. We are no longer in COVID so this does not make sense why it took so long. I was held for 10 days with no hearing and no sign of voluntary admission. There is no evidence in the medical records that a petition was even requested per law. This is CLEARLY false imprisonment! I have been continually suffering from PTSD, Nightmares & Panic Attacks since this horrific incident has occurred. I am seeing a Psychiatrist and have been prescribed 3 psychotropic drugs to help assist in my suffering. I have already called 20Location 2 ATTORNEYS & 10 Location 1ATTORNEYS since last year to try and seek justice however no one is willing to take on my case. I have been walking around for nearly 3 years carrying all this pain of sexual and emotional trauma and there are days that destroy my peace so much that I get physically ill. I have several health issues that have developed since relocating to Location 2 and Doctors that are unable to cure me. I am grateful for the few people I have in my life who offer support and so happy yo have this platform to assist in my healing. Thank you for listening. ❤️

You never think it would happen to her, but it did. Name was raped. She didn't tell us. When I learned about it, I was shocked. Who would rape a woman in intellectual/developmental disabilities? I write this narrative as my sister's co-conservator. I write this because justice has not been served and healing is a journey. Name has high support needs for her daily care. She relies on a tribe to keep her safe, healthy and happy. A man at her day program raped her when he was changing her adult underwear. The police report states that men were allowed to be alone her. One of them took advantage of her and gave her gonnorhea. She was in pain for months. We didn't know until an urgent care doctor did an STD panel. Other doctors didn't think to do this because "It doesn't happen in that populaiton." Little do they know that people with IDD have the highest rate of sexual asasult- 7x more than those without disabilities, per NPR's "Abused and Betrayed" investigative series. The facility still operates, the criminal case is still open and he is still out there- most likely caring for others. The family carries the trauma. As her sister, I have done so much over the past decade to raise the awareness, but I need help. We need more support. Link.

I’ve been in a harmful relationship for almost two years, my abusive ex would shame me no matter what I did or do. He would imply that I’m someone I’m not. He would make fun of my body, even though I’m underweight, no matter what I said he thought of it as a joke and that I don’t “listen to him” all I’ve done was try to love someone who was toxic. I admit I wasn’t perfect, but he would act like he’s innocent and tried to rip me away from my family. I’ve lost friends, lost myself. I feel as if I’m not the person who I was before. I’ve sacrificed my life just to be loved by him but it wasnt worth it all. All I can do is grieve and go to therapy, he made fun of me for going to therapy, and thought it was a joke. He’s ruined my life and I grieve for the sweet girl I was before. He’s put things in my head that we’re never there before, and I’ve cried my eyes out multiple times with him not caring at all, my family worries about me a lot, the people that loved me has seen me break down multiple times. He wanted to break me down into his doll. He claimed that I never loved him but I’ve spent so much time on him, I’ve given more than I received, more than I needed to. He used power dynamics on me, every time I would stand up for myself, he always found a way to bring me down. No matter what.

I was 6 when it all started, my abuser was my cousin. I had problems at home and I was always a black sheep, one day while we were playing he said he wanted to play a different game. As you know it sometimes starts with the “family” game. Everything was okay for a while until he started showing me pornography of men and women. I wasn’t such an innocent child where I didn’t know anything , of course I knew what it was, but I never had any intentions to do something. He showed me his private parts and told me to touch him. I said no countless of times but he kept telling me, he would hit me and give me bruises, no one would be home so I couldn’t get help. After that he kept touching me, he made me do things I never ever want to again. It started as touching until he started raping me. I tried and tried to push him off, but he just kept going, his brother (my older cousin) would also try to get me to touch his private area, when I would try to scream and get help, they would drag me by my feet and arms and lock me in a dark room. I was always scared to say anything to snyone for I had no one, I already had problems, I thought no one was going to believe me. I finally came out like a year ago about him assaulting me, but memories came back and I realized he raped me, I’ve told a few people. I still hate him with every bone in my body. I can’t stand to see him, I can still feel his touch and it disgusts me. I’ve grown though to accept the terms. I have to be in peace in order to be happy with not only myself but with everyone else. My heart goes to anyone who has gone through this or something different. You’re all strong and keep fighting.

Hello, I'm going to be sharing my stories because these moments haunt me more than anything. 1, He was my long-distance/online boyfriend, i was 13 and he was 16 (already a red flag). we decided to meet up, he came to my state and I had to sneak him in when my parents were at work and his parents stayed in a nearby hotel. I was so happy that I finally got to see my boyfriend then he started asking if i wanted to have sex with him and I said "no, im not ready" and he said "okay lets just cuddle then." I cuddled with him on my bed and she was grinding himself on my ass and he was touching my genitalia and feeling on me everywhere. I told him to stop, and he did. Then I accidentally fell asleep, I woke up feeling him sucking on my neck and i noticed the hickeys on my thighs and neck and some on my chest. I was mortified and I told him to get out before I called my parents, his parents picked him up. I was terrified because he now knew where I lived, I didn't think much of it and I blocked him on everything. I told my parents what happened and I'm not able to get my justice because my parents said it was my fault for even bringing him to the house. 2, I remember when i first met him, in was in 7th grade he was 14 and i was 12. We met on the same bus, in my place we'd drive to the high school to drop the high schoolers off then we'd head to the middle school. I remember I gave him my snap and me and him started talking more. I knew he had bad addictions and habits (that his parents provided him). He peer pressured me to drink with him and to vape with him and to smoke weed. I would sneak out of the house to see him numerous of times. One night I sneaked out with him and he said he was feeling horny. He told me to relieve him by giving him head, I really didn't want to. Then he said "C'mon don't you want to make me proud, you're useless, just do it, (his exes name) would've done it, you're a terrible friend, etc" and that led to me giving him head. I didn't think it was rape until I talked to my therapist about it. Half a year later, I was 13 and he was 15, I dated this other guy and after a bit and then we broke up which hurt me terribly. He snuck over to my house to "surprise" me after what happened, he said "I know something that'll make you feel better" and then he started touching me. I knew I couldn't yell or scream or cry because my parents would've woken up and I was scared. I knew my parents would've blamed it on me and I would've gotten in more trouble than him. Then he raped me, he covered my mouth while I was crying and trying my hardest not to scream or make a lot of noise. After that he would always try to sleep with me and I always declined and said I had plans with my family. To this day he says it was my fault because I was practically begging for it.

At 18 i was kicked out of my parents house for ‘smoking weed and being lazy’ i had depression and only hung out with my 2 guy best friends who also smoked weed and made me feel so comfortable and we were all best friends. when i was kicked out i went to stay with one of the guys and he said the rent was super cheap and mostly let me live for free. he charged me rent of $150 but wasn’t really required. this is when i started doing the wrong things in my life, i went in sugar dating sites and would meet up with older men and they would pick me up and we would have quick sex for around $250-300 i did this because i was young and stupid and had no support from my family at that age i was unaware of the effect it would later have on my life. i continued to do this occasionally for shopping and to just not be broke. this is the part of my story that seemed easy not too traumatic very innocent as this had not really traumatized me so much. i then met this man that told me he would give me everything and i ran away with him only to be left with no one i left the city he took me too where he had unwanted sex with me and went back to my home town where i ended up being homeless. i was 19 and decided i couldn’t live like this so i got hotel rooms and had men come in and out all day to get enough money for an apartment i finally found one $450 in the grossest part of the city with 3 obnoxious roommates. 1 year later and the apartment is infested with roaches i still had 2 men that i called ‘sugar daddies’ that would help me with a little money in exchange for sex, i felt violated but not to the point where i was super traumatized by them. after the bug infestation got so horrible it was causing health problems i had to find another sugar daddy to help me buy a cleaner home so i did he offered me $600 a month and also got me car and a nice luxury apartment which i live in. he became very obsessed with me and and controlling he even hit me when i said i didn’t want to have sex with him. looking back now he was grooming me he said he wanted to help me but he was raping me and real help would have been him giving me these things to help me get on my feet without sex. i met him 8 months ago and feel that he was the first abuser i had he would follow me at night i would see his car at 4 am while driving around and no one else was around he would comment on my body and weight i was so scared. i’m tired of being used by men they all said you wanted it you asked for it how could i not your beautiful yet they judge my arms and thighs and say i’ve gained weight like i’m some kind of play toy im disgusted. i found a job working at subway and was looking for a roommate to help pay some of the rent when I met this man my coworker who offered to move in he said that he would need a few nights there for free and I agreed it was Halloween just a few weeks ago and I was drinking and I said it would be fine if we went to the lake all I remember is getting out of his car and going to sit near the lake and I don’t remember walking back to his car or walking up to my apartment the next thing I know it’s two in the morning and his penis is in my butt and I say can you please get out of my room and he said I thought you were my baby mama this man is clearly insane so I called the police and they make me go get a rape kit done and I go in for an interview and I get all my phone data dropped to into their system and I get told he has no chance little to no chance of being put in jail. I feel more raped by these sugar daddies than I do anything I have been prostituting myself but not only that these men have been taking advantage of my situation grooming me and exploiting me for everyone that might be a sugar baby out there please do not do this these men are corrupt and they are psychologically not right in the head I’m still healing and this is going to be a very hard long journey for me but I’m thankful that it was only three years that I have been having to live like this I’m heartbroken like my body is numb and my head is just scattered everywhere and I feel like I’ve just been beaten I have no friends my family told me it’s my fault I’m only 21 years old I tried to go to college this semester but failed almost all of my classes because my sugar daddy was so obsessive and possessive of me he wouldn’t let me do anything I’m scared for my mental health. Sex is so sacred and when that is taken away from you without permission even if you don’t say no even if it’s just coherent even if it’s not a yes if it’s just silence it’s still rape I did not want to do these things with these men but I had to not live on the street I’m scared for my future because I don’t know if I’m ever going to heal so young to be going through this I’ve slept with maybe 30 men by now all because i had to I know I’m disgusted with myself and the world I feel like I could never live normally again I feel stuck. I want to be enjoying my youth and if I do have sex to have sex with somebody that’s my age which is fun and innocent I’ve been taken advantage of by 60-year-old man that are psychopaths please do not get involved with anyone that claims to be a sugar daddy they are not right. why do men feel so compulsive towards women why do they feel that they need to use us as they do why do they feel they need to be so disrespectful I can’t imagine doing things to anyone the way that I have been treated by males especially older ones it’s harassment sexual harassment is abuse mentally and physically it’s scary I don’t know where the hell from here I don’t have anyone to trust all I know is that I just got abused for the past three years sexually as such a young age I think the hardest part going forward is that I still feel physically in my in my vagina area that something is not right I still feel like there’s still negative energy in there I feel like it’s just lingering there like reminding me that I was raped and I just pray to God that this goes away my mind heals and pray that I can love again pray that I never meet another toxic man in my life I’m praying that I will forget all this paid

All that I can remember is growing up feeling empty and worthless. Constantly having to deal with drunk parents feeding into your head that your not enough and will never be. Watching them slowly get consumed by addiction. I developed an intense list of diagnoses. It had got to the point where I couldn't talk myself out of attempting suicide and spiraling downward into a fight with self harm. I was being placed in Hospitals for suicide attempts almost every other month. Bouncing around in institutions and being torn from the every bit of nothing I had left. I had lost all hope. I started abusing drugs and fell into my parents footsteps devloping an addiction of my own. During the times I was using I had been drugged to be gang raped, laced, and pimped out living on the streets at 16. I caught Multiple STI's and had to get treated. After being picked up off the street and interigated I was place in a residential rehab facility where I had to do a lot of personal growth. Having my parents abandon me throughout all of my personal struggles I was left to face this on my own. The road has not been smooth or easy at all, but I am so greatful that I chose to keep fighting and persevere. My Dad finally stepped up to the plate and divorced my Mother after allowing her to abuse us throughout our lives and poison our emotional well-being. Now me, my dad and my brother have built back out relationship and we are now happy and healthy. Sometimes you have to go through the dark before you can appreciate the light. I am a Survivor. I am Enough. I am Strong.

I suppose the beginning was when I was 5 years old and the 11 year old neighbor boy, who's mom was babysitting me, wanted to show me porn and then act it out. I was confused and had no idea what any of it was, but looked up to him, so let him do what he wanted. This led to the dirty dark secret of masturbation, which I continued to do with tremendous guilt until I became an adult and learned that pleasuring oneself was okay. I don't know exactly what my parents did, but something in my upbringing made me not feel as if my feelings or wants/needs were of any importance, so when I started developing friendships and other relationships, I couldn't tell people "no" or to stop - I didn't trust my own thoughts and feelings. When I turned 6, I met my best friend, who soon became my only friend as she became very jealous of sharing me with others. I don't blame her at the time, she was also a product of her abusive environment, but it was the true beginning. As we got older she introduced me to drugs and older boys and often set me up with boys, like the drunk 16 year old who was always trying to feel up my shirt when I was 12, or the cute, sweet boy whom she would purposely undress in front of to show of her much larger breasts. As I hit high school I would often date whomever was the most persistent and more often than not ended up with guys that only wanted one thing and only cared for themselves. I was told I was "crazy" when I finally got up the courage to demand to be treated better. I was hog-tied and dressed up, paraded around naked, and told I'd be the best girlfriend if I just didn't talk - I was dead inside. I even got to a point where I thought I was being sex-positive and that it was my idea - I was a brave rebel, all while my self worth crumbled to the ground. I became pregnant at 17 and didn't know who the father was...maybe it was my boyfriend who had sex with me then broke up right after saying he'd miss the sex but nothing else, maybe it was the guy who offered me a ride home from a party whom I decided to have sex with instead of going home to the black hole that was my home life - I didn't care what happened to me at that point, I faced each day indifferent to living or dying. However, though I don't recommend becoming pregnant in that situation to anyone, it saved me. I may not have cared about myself, but I cared about my baby. It was a short reprieve though as after she was born I felt a sense of responsibility to the potential father and got a DNA test. Turns out it was the one night stand and in my young foolish grew-up-with-divorced-parents mind I decided to take him up on the offer to be a "family". I spent 15 years married to someone who became an alcoholic and thought I was there for his pleasure. I didn't understand that rape could happen in a marriage as I'd been thoroughly brainwashed into believing it was my "duty" and that as an uneducated stay-at-home mom, I would lose my children if he decided to divorce me, so I did my "duty". It got to a point where changing clothes caused panic - I didn't want to be naked around him because that would turn him on and be me "asking for it", so I would frantically get dressed when he was in another room. He cheated on me and I still had to make amends, the fear of losing my children and them being alone with him was greater than my freedom was worth. I finally was able to enroll in college and a miraculous thing happened I made friends and discovered I had value as a human being and deserved to be treated better. I also discovered that I was more than capable to take care of myself and my kids without him, so I finally finished filling out the divorce papers that I had tried to fill out four times before that - it was terrifying and I never got child support from him because my kids (who were teenagers at this point) and I were scared he would request custody just so he wouldn't have to pay me. Plus, I was terrified to be in the same room with him...something my family will never understand because he was such a "nice guy". To be honest there's even more encounters than this, little things like being grabbed in the crotch at clubs and even roofied, though thankfully, my friends and the bartender were able to intervene and save me. With this many things it makes me feel at times as if I really was "asking for it" in a way, but then I wake up. No one deserves to be treated like a commodity or really like something disposable to be used up and thrown out, no matter what they wear or how they look or that they didn't protest loudly enough.

I visited this site very recently. I am taken aback by the shared incidents, I never knew there exists a community that shares some very much relatable ,personal and difficult to even acknowledge incidents. I know what it takes for oneself to even accept the happening and lest sharing it with so many people. I'm proud of the survivors and wish them more power & strength, I would also like to thank the person and the team behind this initiative. The stories I read made me realise that I owe myself a favour and let myself out of the shame & suffering that I have been going for almost 10years now. So here I go. I have always been very fond of a brother sister duo, the care the love the fun the protection they have for each other is unmatchable. I being having no brother, always had a longing for it. I have a cousin who is 8 years older to me, we have had few family trips and he used to visit our house whenever he could, he is/was loved by everyone, in short our families are close enough. Some ten years ago when I was 14-15 years old , he was on a long vacation we used to meet very frequently and we developed a bonding that I always aspired for. I loved him as a sister and was very much caring. He was too. He started giving attention to me, whenever he would need any help he would ask nobody but only me and I was more than happy to provide 'anything he would ask for' being his little sister. We visited a relative's house for few days. We were all sleeping together and shared blankets. It was then that he touched me inappropriately, he pulled my top under the blanket and had his chilled hand over my bare stomach , though I felt uncomfortable but I thought it's really cold outside and it's nobody but my dear brother, so I didn't reacted and acted as if I'm asleep. New day new memories and everything about the previous night was gone. That night everyone slept in the same order, we were all slept and in the midst of sleep I felt a hand unbuttoning my shirt from the cleavage, he rested a portion of his hands on my bare chest, I did not know what to do so deliberately changed my sleeping posture turning my back towards him and pretending to be asleep as if nothing was noticed. I knew it then that it was not appropriate but I did not stop it. The next day I remember I prepared myself better ( wore an extra layer of sweater and buttoned it all the way up to the neck) so as to not let him make any advances while I was sleeping , that day I do not remember very clearly but probably he had made unsuccessful attempts and out of the desperation he had tried to insert his hands inside my clothing from elsewhere and I had resisted it becoming rigid in my posture and then he had tried to apply presurre to which I had given in and he might have been successful.I do not remember much of that night but it was not sober of him. He crossed his limits the other day when I was asleep with my head outside the blanket and I felt something going inside the blanket I saw him being inside the blanket with my top pulled up and him being very close towards my chest. I do not know whether I'm making up but I think I saw him checking out my bare body with his phone's screenlight. I became very afraid , since others were also sleeping in the same room just beside us. I hastly tried changing my posture and adjusting myself and my blanket as a result of which he got scared and turned his back towards me and showed as if he is asleep. I was up for that whole night. I was scared. I was ashamed. I was embarrassed. I wanted to cry. I couldn't make sense of anything. I couldn't make eye contact with him.I was not myself for the next 2-3 days , I felt as if he was ashamed too of his deed. Within a week everything was back to normal between us and we were back to our house sharing the same earlier sibling kind bond. As days passed he started asking me adorably to sleep beside him when none of the elders were around and though I knew what he meant by that but everytime I shamelessly followed his words and ended up having his both hands clasping my clothed unguarded breasts under the blanket while I pretended to sleep. He used to lick my face, my ears while I was actually sleeping. During cousin sleepovers, if at all I was sleeping at night distances away from him, he used to pull me closer or change his place beside me so as to have his hands over me. I stopped feeling guilty or ashamed in those days. I don't know why I let him do everything then. Why I didn't resisted instead gave way to get exploited by his hands. I used to love him even after everything he did to me, I longed for his visits. Then after 2 years his visits became rare and I was afraid now of his deeds in presence of others ,so once I resisted sternly and did not let him pull me closer to him, from that day his acts stopped, he never made any advances after that as far as I remember. But still I had no ill feelings for him. Then after a gap of 3 years or so, we all attended a family function where we spent time together . Though I was hesitant of him in the begining but in few days I got closer to him for another time. We shared same dinner platter, cared for each other, helped each other, became a team, joked ,laughed , clicked pictures and made memories , it was for me the perfect brother-sister bond. The next day when everyone of us was badly tired after the function we were resting in a room with him being inches away from me. This time it was me who searched for him and reached for him with his feet in my hand's reach. Though I instantly put my hands back to me but I remember him checking whose hands it was and finding me at the nearest. Neither of us said anything then as we were tired as hell. After that incident I was in a loop of flashbacks for months, my mental state was badly hit, I started analysing every act of him replaying in my head, I could feel his hands over my chest, his clasp over my breast, his wet kisses over my ears. I used to cry all day long, I started staying by myself all day long, I limited my interactions saved for the necessary ones, all along without being getting noticed by parents and sister. I used to pull a fake face for the world, rinsed my face all day long to not get caught of crying. I couldn't make any sense, I felt all alone. I felt something hollowing me from inside. Everything was going to fall if I didn't do anything for myself, may be standing for self. I decided confronting him through a text. I wasn't angry over him on the text, I wrote that -I wanted to tell him that few of his touches were not appropriate so being his sister it is to make him aware of the good and bad touches. To which he replied with a guilty emoji. I thought I was done, atleast he knows that he was not right. At that instance I wanted everything to end and we being the same old us with me still loving him. But as days passed there was turn of emotions I cannot count, from love to care to forgiveness, to anger to hatred, to what not. I texted him again with all the ill feelings for him, he apologized for his deeds and asked me to text him( couldn't have ever talked all this over phone) whenever I wanted. I thought okay, I can atleast share with him what I could not with anybody. With each passing day I started hating him even more,I tried to not let myself alone with those thoughts for long. I started avoiding him, I stopped calling him or texting. I met him in all these years at few instances and I make sure I'm never in his vicinity,I maintain my safe distance and do not stay in his presence for long alone. I might be talking to him over call in everyone's presence but I know I hate him. I won't ever forgive him nor I will ever forgive myself. Yes, I hate him but I hate myself more. It makes me think I was involved too. I was at fault too. I am guilty. I must have derived pleasure out of his acts and so I did not sternly opposed him at the very first encounter . Everything now is seeming very apparent, how could I not see and understand his intentions I was not a small kid. Why did I let him continue with his acts for so long? I have no clear answer to any of these questions. I'm fed up with all this. I am trying to have peace and live with these dull flashbacks which makes me remorse everytime the pages of the past are turned.

He was my boyfriend. We had just had sex and he wanted to go again. I said “no”, he said “but I want to”, and he did. Those words ring in my mind so clearly. It wasn’t violent or aggressive, but it felt like something broke in me then. I carried that with me for a long time, and still do. Part of my shame was that I didn’t leave. Months later, I confronted him about it and he was so angry and not open to hearing me. That is not how someone who loves you, cares for you, or respects you acts. That is not how someone who respects women acts. It took me a long time to see that. Years later, I am seeing someone who is kind and safe. He doesn’t know this story but he cares for me and wants me to feel safe regardless. He has never been angry or upset when I didn’t want to have sex, if I wanted to stop or pause or talk about it or if there was something I didn’t like or wasn’t comfortable with. He listens when I explain a boundary and is always open to changing his behaviour to make me feel as comfortable and safe as possible. That is someone who cares, who inherently respects other people and wants to be a safe space. That is normal and the bare minimum. Abusers, perpetrators, and predators can warp your sense of reality but I promise you, people who are kind and good exist and there are so many more than you would think. You deserve to be treated with respect, kindness, and gentleness. That is never too much to ask for, that is the bare minimum.

My ex was a mechanic. I was having car trouble and he fixed my car. What initially attracted me to him was that he was hard working and he was very bold. The abuse began when I was about 5 or 6 months pregnant with our first child together. Initially it was only physical abuse, it later turned into verbal, emotional, and sexual abuse. When one of my children came to me and disclosed that he had been molesting them. I didn't love myself enough but my children mean the world to me. Leaving for my children was easy as I could not allow them to be hurt. I called law enforcement and he was arrested. This is what gave me the courage to speak up about the things that I had endured. I was abandoned by all of my friends and family after they expressed to me how they felt I was to blame and didn't feel sorry for me at all. I also blamed myself for not loving myself enough to leave. I was treated horribly and not viewed as a victim at all. It was very hard to navigate this trauma on my own. But I am still here by the grace of God.

I was taken advantage of by someone who I thought was my friend. It was my first time getting drunk. What Happened After I Was Sexually Assaulted: -stress hives that lasted for two weeks after the assault -vomiting in the middle of the night for several nights -chronic pain that slowly developed and got worse. It doesn’t go away even after multiple tylenol and Aleve pills. Some nights my pelvis feels like it’s being repetitively stabbed -hating my own body and it’s natural responses/functions -intense fear of being touched -intense fear of seeing them in public -intense fear of being alone -suicidal thoughts -sexual issues. Sometimes it’s like the event is reoccurring. -feelings of being worthless -triggered by so many things on tv -lack of sleep -feeling stuck in my own life -inability to concentrate on the things I need to. Like school work. It put a hold on my life -deep distrust for people -depression -anxiety -PTSD It’s just not worth it. Consent matters.

It was my freshman year of college. At the time, I had been struggling with two years of daily chronic migraines. My health was in a really bad place, my self-esteem was really low, I was scared to start college and be on my own. After about the first few weeks or so of college, I met this guy through one of my mutual friends. We were outside the dorms and he walked by, I thought he was super cute. I subtly asked him out to a school event and I got his number. The next day, he told me he couldn't make it to the event, and then later we hung out with some friends. I was instantly attracted to him - I was just kinda head over heals and not thinking. Later that night he asked me out on a date. The next day, we went out to lunch on campus and then later went back to my dorm to bake some cookies. Then later that night, he joined my friends and I for a movie night. While my friends were bickering about what movie to watch he put his hand on my leg. It was very unexpected because we hadn't even held hands yet. Then he asked me if I wanted to leave the movie (before we even started watching it). So I was like, okay we can leave. So we left my friends, he told them that he had to drive home this weekend. As we were walking back to my dorm, he asked if I wanted him to go. I said no, because I really liked him. Then, he said we could either take his car and go somewhere, or go out on the front lawn. I didn't trust him to drive me anywhere late at night, so I said we could hang out on the front lawn. So we were sitting on the front lawn, it was probably around midnight and he ended up kissing me. This part was consensual but for me this was a new experience, it was my first kiss actually and I was uncomfortable how we were out in the open, where anyone could walk by. When it was about 2am, the sprinklers started going on and so we got up and left. As we were leaving he said "I love you." This was technically our first day, third day of knowing him and I should have known that this was a red flag. That next week we went out on the lawn to hang out in the evening, however, it was still pretty light out, a lot of people around. He started kissing me and i told him i felt uncomfortable that there were so many people around. He told me not to worry and kept kissing me and getting more handsy. He then put his hands down my leggings and started touching me. I was terrified. I kept saying how I wasn't comfortable with how many people were around, but he didn't stop. The next day or so, I went over to his dorm room. He wanted to sit on the bed. And he started kissing me and even took my shirt off. He was playing music, and I knew the other roommates in the house he was living in were home too. Then his roommate walked in. I was so embarrassed and wrapped myself quickly up in covers. He was there for a good five minutes making conversation and then finally left. After he left the guy kept touching me and I didn't know how to say no - he did it without asking and I was afraid of him getting aggressive. He kept telling me how turned on he was and how much he wanted me to touch him. I felt so uncomfortable and finally left and made some excuse to leave. Later that week in my dorm, he came over and kept telling me how he wanted to have sex. I kept telling him how uncomfortable i was. And he even took off his pants and I could feel his dick on the inside of my leg and i kept telling him no, and how i was uncomfortable. He kept telling me how he wanted to go away for weekends in Joshua tree or go stay in this cabin for a weekend by ourselves. I felt like he kept pushing me to touch his dick or to have sex with him and when i kept saying no, he got so frustrated with me and would make me feel guilt. He would tell me things like how I was the most beautiful woman in the world and then would just treat me like shit. One night, he was in my room and kept pressuring me to stay the night. At the college I go to, we have strict visiting hours and are not allowed to have boys stay over in our dorm. I kept telling him it was time to leave and he didn't move. Once I heard the RA come in the hall of the dorm, I felt suffocated, and I knew now I was stuck with him for the next few hours or at least until i could sneak him out. That whole time all he kept telling me was how turned on he was and he would touch my and i was too scared to tell him to stop because I knew how angry he got when he didn't get his way. Finally, the next week or so he broke up with me and went onto trying to date my best gal friends at school. After our breakup, I felt like it was the end of the world. I didn't see how much damage he caused me and how toxic he was - I just felt like I wasn't good enough. I cried, I was suicidal, I had panic attacks, I could barely stay in my room because I would feel like he was there, I couldn't sleep and if I did sleep he was in my nightmares. I didn't tell any of my friends or family because I was too embarrassed. I felt ashamed like it was something wrong I did, like I shouldn't have ever fallen for him. I invested into him emotionally and physically and he just didn't even care. It has been a year, and I just recently realized that what he did was sexual harassment. He did not listen to me, I did not give him consent, I could not make him leave my room when I needed him to, he made me feel guilty if I didn't have sex or touch him, he manipulated my feelings and my body. He made me believe I wasn't good enough or pretty enough or thin enough. He made me think I was clingy for wanting support. He made me feel like a burden when I would tell him my problems. He made me feel like I was damaged. It has been a year and I still don't feel okay. I still get nightmares, I still get flashbacks. If I hear a song that he used to play or see the type of car he used to drive, it just takes me back. I only have told my current boyfriend this story and was too ashamed to tell my family or any of my friends. I felt like I would be judged if I opened up about my story. But I am glad I get to share it with you today. I don't know if I will ever be the same from this experience, but I am trying to turn things around now. By opening up, it has helped me try to find some sort of peace within the midst of everything. And has helped me understand that this isn't my fault and that even though this happened to me, it doesn't own me.