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I'm 20 years old and i'm expecting my first child. I wrote a story here a year ago maybe more.. it was about the time my stepfather molested me at just 12 years old. That was unfortunately not the first time where a man made me feel unsafe. When I was 8, me and my family were staying with a friend and her husband. He was an angry drunk most of the time who liked to hit her when he thought we weren't looking. One night he came into my room and crawled into bed with me and for a while he just held me, I thought I must have been having a bad dream, but after a bit his hands started moving and I just pretended to be asleep when he moved to lie on top of me. I don't remember much except for the pain, weird burning sensation and the sounds he made during and after it was done; I think he knew I was awake the whole time because afterwards he whispered to "sleep tight dear". I felt disgusting and gross and so confused, I just laid there shaking not sure what to do; I guess I must have passed out because I woke up and there was a lot of blood and I didn't know what to do. I tried asking him in the morning and he said that if I ever told anyone he would kick my pregnant mother and my siblings out and we would all be homeless. I felt so ashamed and I tried telling his wife/my godmother but she didn't want to hear it.

Iam a 33 year old with 3 children(2 boys and one girl) my first born son is from my previous relationship. I was a fresh graduate when i met this man that i currently have two kids with …i finished university expecting to get a job to support me and my then only son but each time i tried to look for jobs my husband discouraged me saying i would be exploited and given peanuts so to whom it was wise for me to sit home and be a wife i gave in and sat home but him satisfying my needs was always a fight i remember i asked for panties and bras for the last 6 years and nothing.everything he provides we must first have a fight and he knows so well i have no where to run to because he isolated me from my family. After moving in with him and my son he started treatung my son with so much anger he would beat,abuse and use vulgar words to him and he still does it he shows him that am not your father and only favors the kids i have with him. Mine i came with is not worthy of anything good. While i was pregnant for his son he was flirting with my sister and by this time i was not getting any financial help so i opted to go to my mothers rental and after sometime my sister disclosed to me the kind of husband i have when i confronted him about it he was too bitter and threatened to take my kids from me. When i was pregnant for my second child with him i got him with 15 girls flirting and sleeping around i was so devasted and almost lost my child due to stress i put my self together and let it go for my sake of my baby but i swore i was done with this man so i started not to pay too much attention on him and concentrated on raising my kids meanwhile i was caught up had no money of my own and had no relative in contact with i perservered and stayed to have a roof over our heads and to solicit food for my kids. I actually lost sexual appetite towards him for all the disgusting things he does behind my back but he would force me into sex and threaten not to provide if i ddt satisfy him a time came when he would rape me saying am his property and that i couldnt live without him since i dont have any money. It was all verbal violence until may this year 2024when i confronted him about cheating with my cousin and messages of him in a lodge with another girl that he grabbed me by the neck and strangled me and beat up that i started spitting blood..at this point i said to myself i should leave and start a new life i actually told him am leaving and he laughed at me saying u cant leave what are u gonna feed ur kids .i was packing whole day thinking to my self i cant fail to get where to stay but reality hit me and for sure i had no where to go so i unpacked my stuff and stayed its now months and months of sexual, financial,emotional and physical abuse but i dont know where to start with 3 children ive actually contemplated suicide so many times thinking it will ease the pain. Am in fear please advise me

At the age of four, my mom used to take me out to the trunk of her Jeep and beat me for 20-30 minutes at a time. She would hit me, pull my hair, and scream profanity at me. The physical abuse lasted until I was 11-years-old, and she only stopped once CPS got involved. My dad knew; he did nothing. At the age of 6, I got sexually molested at school by another female. My mother told me it was not molestation, and that I was just "playing around." At the age of 11, I was sexually abused by the neighborhood boys. They were in their mid-teens, and would touch me inappropriately, rub their penises against me, and tell me inappropriate jokes. At that same age, I was also dry humped on the face by multiple boys who I considered friends. At the age of 16, I was raped by a 26-year-old man. He groomed me beginning at the age of 14-years-old, and convinced me he was a safe person. At that same point in my life, I was raped by a 23-year-old that I had known for two years and considered safe. He took me to a room where we could "be alone" then proceeded to force himself on me. I was crying and telling him to stop, but he didn't stop. I dated him for three months after that, and he continued to pressure me into sex and emotionally abuse me. Starting at the age of 14-years-old, I began getting harassed online. I stupidly gave out my phone number and address to someone I had trusted, and they were posted on 4chan (a public image board). I was harassed daily: I received death threats; I received threatening phone calls; I would receive calls to my school. I then found out that the person I trusted killed a girl in his home city, and that they had proof I was going to be the next victim. At the age of 17, my step-dad physically assaulted me and almost broke my wrist. He put a cigarette out on my head, strangled me, and threatened me. My mom watched, holding the phone, and told me it was my fault for "not leaving when [she] told [me] to." The only help I got was from a neighbor who saw me run out of the house, covered in blood. That same year, I was kicked out because I refused to lift the restraining order off of my step-dad, and my mom gave me an ultimatum. I refused and went to live elsewhere. At the age of 18, I moved in with my first serious boyfriend. He was abusive and cheated on me multiple times. He would call me every name in the book and threaten to harm me and break my belongings. I did not get away until I was just turning 19. At the age of 20, I moved in with my dad. My step-mom was jealous of my dad and I's relationship and physically assaulted me and kicked me out on my 21st birthday. My dad did nothing again. At the age of 21, I developed life-threatening bulimia and anorexia and began drinking heavily to self-medicate. My fiance helped me through these disorders and saved my life. I am now 24-years-old and have many stable and healthy relationships--both in friendship and love. I am also receiving help via medication for C-PTSD, GAD, and major depressive disorder. I began therapy recently, too, and am learning to confront my traumas and move on. It's hard, and there are many things I remember each day that send me into a panic, but I want to heal and reclaim my innocence, power, and self-worth.

Confession / Personal Struggle I want to open up about my past and the things I've struggled with, because I know I need help and healing. These are the hardest parts of my life to admit: 1. My upbringing and faith * I was born into a Christian home, but I never really understood Christ personally. * As a child, I prayed mostly because I was told to, and often for selfish reasons (wanting things like money, a phone, a car for my mom, etc.), not out of true love for God. * Now, I feel disconnected from Christ, and I believe my past and my habits are blocking me from truly knowing Him. 2. Childhood experiences * In primary school (around Primary 3-5 and
JSS1), I was involved in homosexual activities with other boys. * Around age 9-10, one of my cousins, who was living with us after his father died, and I crossed a line. I pointed to his private part * * while learning Igbo words, and it led to something happening between us. * • I felt guilty and told my parents, but nothing was really done. He continued living with us, and that left me confused and hurt. * 3. Growing up with rejection * As I grew, I started to like girls, but I felt rejected many times. * That rejection, combined with my earlier experiences, made me feel timid and small. It also made me start to have sexual thoughts toward boys — not out of love, but only sexually. 4. Porn and masturbation * I was introduced to porn by one of my dad's boys who lived with us. * In SS2 (2019), I started masturbating and have struggled with it since then. It became an addiction. * I told my parents and aunties at different times, especially after I failed 100 level in university, because I blamed my failure on masturbation. They advised me, but the habit didn't stop. At best, I could stop for only about a week. 5. Something I deeply regret * After we moved to a new house, I pressured my neighbor's son into massaging my private parts. At first, he refused because it was wrong, but l insisted several times until he agreed. * This happened around 9-10 times. I would release, then apologize to him, blaming the devil. * I now realize I did to him something similar to what my cousin did to me, and I feel very ashamed of it. This is one of the deepest regrets of my life. 6. Where l am now * I am 20 years old and still struggling with masturbation and porn. * I feel it is reducing my potential and keeping me far from God. * I feel guilty, numb, and tired, even though I know I have many emotions inside me. * I want to change, heal, and draw closer to Christ. Why l'm sharing this I want to confess these things because I don't want to hide anymore. I know my past is heavy, but I also know I need guidance, prayer, and counseling. I believe talking about it openly with someone I can trust is the first step to freedom.

I survived. I got out. You can too. Insidious and devious are the words I think of when I've wondered how I got trapped. My ex-spouse was so charming, everybody thought he was a great person and I did too. So much so that I decided to ignore the fact he raped me and chalked it up to us drinking. Then gradually as we dated and then married he tried to spin a web of control around me by being angry and violent when I would spend time with friends or go to the gym or go to the library to study. Telling me I was not allowed to go to the gym because there were men there. Being told I couldn't go to work events. Calling my work when I was working late and accusing me of having affairs, then being verbally and physically abusive. He was so successful at manipulating others even my dad, initially, didn't believe me when I told him about the monster and the horrible things I had endured. I finally told my dad what had been going on when he threatened to kill me and chased me with a baseball bat. I was able to get in my car and get away and called my dad crying and screaming. He thought I had lost my mind. Some of my friends also thought I had lost it, and told me oh he is so nice and scoffed when I said I was filing for divorce and a protective order. After the first two calls to the sheriff they believed me and were so kind, frequently driving by my house and making sure I was safe. There is power in being believed. There is strength in knowing that others have made it out both alive and eventually became whole. I still experience occasional flashbacks and certain situations will trigger my anxiety, but I am able to trust people again and no longer fear "being in trouble" if I spend time with friends. Even more, I have allowed myself to become emotionally vulnerable with other people again after all these years. That was a huge leap for me. And I genuinely feel like a good person again.

I hope my story will help someone Who may be in an abusive relationship so so long they start to think there is no way out but with your strong will and determination you can and will leave when the time is right for you....It took me 29 yrs to Leave the gaslighting, and other forms of abuse just got to be to much My abuser with help from his dysfunctional crowd he hung around with showed him how to groom me back in the relationship only to show our grown son that he can't be wrong!!! It bothered him so much that I walked out on him he used my vulnerability and grooming to get me back it was the worst descion of my life...let's put it this way I'm lucky to be alive right now to tell you this story ...I hope one day my grown son will see the truth...I believe in God and I know my ex significant other Will have to come to terms with his demons when he decides to get clean If not for himself for our wonderful adult son who takes care of him each day since I left...

When I was a child, I grew up being regularly sexually abused. By the time I was 10 I fell pregnant. I didn't understand fully what was happening to me, I knew I was going to have a baby which terrified me, though at the same time I have never felt more love for anything than I did for my daughter. my family and the people i was around at that age never noticed I was pregnant or if they did, they ignored it. I was somewhere in my third trimester when I was assaulted by multiple men at the same time and went into labor as a result. I gave birth alone at home and she came out sleeping. I buried her myself and could never bring myself to speak of her for over a decade because of fear of other people's reactions and because it hurt too much to say out loud. though now I am finally healing enough to be able to say her name and talk about her. I have a lot more healing still to do and losing her is a pain that will never go away, but now she doesn't have to be a secret. this year she would have turned 14. her name was Emilia

I wrote this poem today after hearing of guilty verdict in current court case with taxi drive and two separate victims. Title: Me Too Taxi Driver I too have been where you two have been. I too went out with friends. I too had one too many. I too got in the taxi. I too expected safety. I too was raped. Followed in through my front door by a taxi driver who wanted more than the fare that I had paid him. I too reported my assault. I too made my statement. Then our stories diverge. My case went nowhere. My trauma went inwards. My anger turned septic. My shame imploded. My mother does not know. My case went absolutely nowhere. Insufficient evidence and no identifiable suspect minimised my experience. So I thank you for standing strong, for speaking up, for getting some of the justice that I have craved. My taxi driver will never hear the judgement of a jury, and probably never even felt guilt. But he raped me, and in the court of my mind, the jury is unanimous, he is guilty, guilty, guilty.

There have only ever been two people in my life that have ever known the details of my two sexual assaults, my husband and my mother. The few siblings and friends that do know that I have been raped only know that fact-that I have been raped. I have always feared the look on a person’s face when they are told that something like that has happened to you. I fear that I will be seen as less than or that I won’t be believed. These fears are just as strong today as they were when the rapes took place 17 and 16 years ago respectively. Now that my mother has passed, there is only one person who knows about the brutality that I endured and the scares I still live with today. I was a normal 16 year old working in a smoothie shop when I met a cute boy who had come in for a drink. He asked for my number, but I told him that I didn’t give my number out to people I don’t know. He assured me that he would be back as many times as it took for me to know him. He was true to his word and we began dating about two months later. He played for a local junior sports team that players from all over the US and some other countries played in that lead to countless former players going on to being drafted by professional teams. I had never been to a game before meet my then boyfriend. After dating for several months, I lost my virginity to him. I was completely in love. Not long after that he and I went to a party at the house of one of the “host” families that players lived with while they played in the league. We were talking in a bedroom when he told me he was going to go get us drinks and he would be back. The next time the door opened, I was not my boyfriend who entered, it was the Captain of the team that I had had very few interactions with. I will refer to him as L. L asked where my boyfriend was and said he would just wait for him to come back. L sat down on the bed while we made polite small talk about things like what schools we went to, where he was from originally, etc. I told L I was going to go look for my boyfriend because he had been gone for a strange amount of time. As I got up, L grabbed my wrist and yanked me back down on the bed. Before I could even think he was on top of me. He pinned my hands above my head then pulled my tank top down exposing my breast. I begged him to stop, I yelled hoping someone would hear me over the music, and fought as hard as I could. Even when he only had one hand grasping my wrists while he used the other to undo his pants and remove the underwear I was wearing under my skirt, I still wasn’t strong enough to get free. I begged him not to do this to me. He told him that I would be happy he did once it was over because he was “amazing.” I screamed at him to get to f**k off of me so he slapped me so hard that my ears were ringing. He used his knees to keep my legs apart as he violently raped me. This was only the second time that I had ever had sex. When he was done, he got up from the bed and said something about me being a dirty girl and that I would be begging him for more. My boyfriend came in the room seconds after L had walked out. I expected him to comfort me or go do something to L or just ANYTHING at all. Instead he told me that I was slut who cheated on him. Apparently it was common practice for the captain to get to sleep with any of the rookie’s girlfriends. My boyfriend said that I wouldn’t have “let” it happen if I didn’t really want it. He said things like that so many times that I actually started to question it myself. I stayed with my boyfriend because I felt like damaged goods. I took the blame whenever he cheated on me because “I cheated on him first.” I put up with being beaten by my boyfriend because he “wouldn’t be so angry if I hadn’t been a slut.” This relationship was on and off for several years and was my first experience of love. I have since been able to see that nothing about that relationship was love, but it shaped the relationships I had and partners I chose for years. I never reported my rape. I used long sleeves, pants, and makeup to cover the deep bruising that seemed to be on my body forever. After months of not being able to sleep without nightmares or going a single day without a flashback of the assault, I began abusing drugs and alcohol along with cutting myself. Around a year after my rape and the start of my substance abuse struggles, my parents went out of town for a weekend so I decided that was a perfect time to have a party with some friends from my school. I attended a pretty small school with about 80 kids per grade, most of which I had been in school with since preschool. There were probably 10 or 15 of us hanging out, drinking, and having fun. It was probably around 2 or 3 AM when people started passing out. I went to my room and passed out fully clothed on my bed. At some point I woke up somewhat to see a very good guy friend of mine on top of me. I was in and out a lot because of how intoxicated I was so I was barely able to move let alone fight him off of me. I remember telling him no and stop. The next thing I remember is my best friend coming into my room in the morning to tell me we were going to go to McDonald’s for some “hangover food”. I was under my covers but only had my shirt on. I got dressed, got in the car, and went to get food. As we were driving I got a text from the male “friend” that had been on top of me. He was asking me not to tell anyone about what happened the night before. I never responded because I still hadn’t fully wrapped my head around what happened. This situation was different from the first time. He was my friend. It wasn’t a violent assault like before and HE WAS MY FRIEND. I knew that doing anything about it would make me an outcast, which was terrifying to me at 17 years old. I understand how unbelievably stupid that was now at 33 years old. I told myself that I had invited him over. I have gotten drunk. I had gone to bed after telling everyone they could stay the night. It was my fault. Again, my perspective is different now. I spiraled into drug and alcohol addiction to a degree that should have killed me. I made several attempts to end my life, but still never told a soul what had happened to me. I ended up being sent to a rehabilitation center and was exiled from my family as soon as I turned 18 because they didn’t want to deal with it anymore. I was fortunate to grow up in a family of wealth but unfortunately that wealth was viewed as being enough to make my siblings and I happy. That meant that quality time and conversation were nonexistent. We were given new cars and credit cards to do whatever we wanted while my parents spent most of their time abroad or in homes they owned in other states. It took nearly a decade for me to develop a relationship with my mom again. One day she finally asked me the question that I had unknowingly wanted to be asked by my family which was-Why did you do all of the things you were doing back then? What happened? I broke down in tears and assure my mom that she didn’t need to live with the knowledge of what had happened to her daughter. I had a daughter of my own at that point. My mom told me that she did need to know because she had carried so much shame for not having made any attempts to find out what was really going on. I started by simply saying that I had been raped twice. She tried to come over to hug me but I said I was ok. She then asked things like when, where, who. I was very vague about it and left out the names of the people. She sat me down and told me that I had to tell her e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g because I had suffered through it alone long enough. I’m a lot of ways telling her was harder than enduring the rapes because I had a daughter and knew how devastated I would be if this had happened to her. I also feared that she wouldn’t believe me. She listened, we cried, and she apologized for making me think I wouldn’t have been believed. I apologized for the way I handled my pain from it by abusing substances. I have hope that the country is making strides when it comes to the way sexual assault is handled, however, I live every day with fear that my daughter may be violated in the way that I was and I will be powerless to stop it.

Dear, What’s it like not knowing? What's it like not knowing all that you’ve done? I want to remember what it's like. All I know now is what you have done. All I know is how to feel this emptiness that came with the full feeling of dread and hollowness. What’s it like not knowing? I want to know. I want to ask. Do you really not know? Where you smart enough to figure it out? Are you still living in denial like I was? Are you in full realization and just don’t care? Or do you just not know or care to think about it. I don’t want to think about it but I have no choice. You gave me no choice. You gave me no chance that morning and you gave me no choice everyday this last year. Ever since I put it together with the help of the psychologist on the phone. Who told me you raped me. Who has to tell me that I in fact had my choice taken from me. What’s it like not knowing you’ve done that? I want to know. I want to remember. Tell me what it's like. I want to know. I want to remember. And I can lie to myself. Say that I live in your head like you live in mine but I know it's not true. You don't think about me at all. That's your choice. I have no choice. You gave me no choice. What is it like having a choice? What is it like to not care enough to know you have a choice and that you took someone else's away? What is it like? Tell me. Tell me. I can't ask.I can't ask you what it's like. I don’t have the choice. I have no choice to ask. I have no choice to ask if you remember. If you know. If you care. If you choose. You do. Tell me. Tell me. Tell me. Choose to tell me. I want to know. What is it like for you? What is it like not knowing that you live in my head? That you won't leave. Tell me. What is it like not knowing that you ruined a year of my life and threaten to ruin more. Tell me. What is it like? I want to know. I want to remember.

All the memories that my mind seems to easily access day after day, are so much more difficult to verbalize. I have never shared my story, but thought this may help and maybe help others too. It's seems so selfish sharing it so I am glad this is anonymous so I don't carry guilt or worry of people's opinions. Due to my past, I have had a hard time separating myself from being the sexual tool and being normal. My parents separated when I was 3. My mom used heroine and married an abusive man shortly after. There's was extreme physical abuse in the home. (he beat us, locked us up, beat a dog to death infront of us, even shot my mom in the leg and made us care for it) When they ran short of money for their drugs, they would offer their friends to sexually assaulting me. I was 4 to 5 years old. They also encouraged my younger brother and I to act things out with each other. He would have to pee on me or I would have to play with his privates. I was once taken to a party at a house. It was a mansion with an elevator that I thought was so neat. I was taken up to a room and different men were allowed to touch me. Only one man actually had intercourse that day. I still have nightmares about him. All if this was soon found out and I was sent to live with my dad. He was an alcoholic so we stayed at my grandma's often. My brother, my younger cousin, and I played "doctor" all the time. It was all we knew. One Christmas when I was 8, I was told to go get my cousins. They were 16 and 18 and their friend. When I knocked on the door they told me to come in. They raped me in every way possible. No one even noticed I was gone. I went to the bathroom after and I was bleeding. I thought I was going to die that day. I thought I would bleed to death. That night my 16 year old cousin apologized and promised to keep me safe. For 3 years every time I was at my grandma's, I would sleep with him and he would rape me but gently. He told me I would be his wife. He told me he loved me and would always keep me safe. Whem he turned 21, he got another girl pregnant. He told me he had to marry her. Then he went home and shot himself in the head. I felt heartbroken. I slit my wrist to end the pain, but failed. My mom came back into my life with a new husband. He started wanting me to try in clothes for him. Then he started coming into my room and night and pleasing himself over me while touching me. I told my mom and she said no, he was abusing only her. She kicked him out. He hung himself shortly after. I had started acting out. I was giving 12th graders hard jobs in 7th grade on the bus. I thought my job was to please men. I was 15 before I realized that I was wrong. This realization came from people at school starting to call me a hoe and making fun of me. I changed my behaviors with lots of work. I had to watch other adults to figure out what normal was. People would ask when I lost my virginity and I didn't know what to tell them. I struggled mostly in relationships because I put all my value as a wife as how I could perform in bed. I carried so much guilt for the people I abused as a young child when I didn't know any better. Especially my younger cousin. I was only 5 or 6, but he was 3 or 4. He now is sitting in prison for drugs for a long long time. I wonder if what I did changed him like it changed me. I hold so much guilt for that. My brother is a drug addict and I wonder if what we did had a play in that. I feel guilt, like I was a year older and should have been protecting him. As an adult I can protect myself more. My dad did grab my butt and tell me I was sexy about 10 years ago, but I dont see him any more. My mom starvation from doing drugs 5 years ago. It is just me and I think about the toll it all has had on me. I feel different than everyone else. I feel damaged. I disassociate often. I have to ground myself. I domt trust people. I see the bad people can do, even people that seem normal. I grow every day though. I try to be the woman and mother I needed. I push myself to be better every day. I now have a great husband. Although I am unable to feel love, he still loves me daily. I have the most amazing kids. They do good in school and are great little people. I am proud of how far I have came. I still hold so much guilt, but every day is a new one.

I really see no point in talking about anything when law enforcement does nothing with this information. I’ve been waiting many years now. I leave my Apple phone in lockdown mode because of repeated Pegasus hacks on my cell phones over the years. There is no private and safe way I can report crime like this when my phones are repeatedly hacked. Organizations like this aren’t reporting anything to law enforcement to protect rape victims still experiencing crimes from a rapist stalking them to death their whole lives into isolation and inevitable suicide because of no help ever being given by anyone.

Living in Fear of My Perpetrator Part1 In Date, I joined S Company as a temporary employee. In Month, Year, my supervisor, A, requested my LINE contact information, which I provided, thinking it necessary for work. From Month, Year, A began sending me messages unrelated to work, asking questions like, “What do you do when you don’t have a boyfriend?” and expressing a desire to visit my home. On Date, A called me saying, “Let’s get closer in private.” At a company farewell party, I drank only one drink due to my alcohol allergy. Afterward, A invited me to a manga café, where he kissed me and asked to go to my house or a hotel, which I refused. Upon arrival at the café, A embraced and kissed me, groping me under my bra and over my skirt. On Date, while working with Supervisor B, a new employee, D, tearfully said she couldn’t continue. A suggested that if D left, I might need to stay. That evening, while working late, A forcibly hugged and deep-kissed me, groped me under my clothes, and inserted his fingers into my vagina. I had no prior sexual experience due to past sexual abuse, and A exploited my vulnerable employment situation to coerce me into sexual acts, making it my first encounter. In the company car, A undressed and assaulted me, demanding I verbally consent to intercourse without a condom. Afterward, A threatened me, saying, “I value my job and family and don’t want to be in a position to pay damages, so keep quiet.” I couldn’t go to the police immediately, feeling ashamed and blaming myself. In Japan, victims often face blame, making it hard to seek help. I was overwhelmed with tears and suicidal thoughts. I left the company in Month, Year, but A continued to suggest we date, falsely claiming our relationship was an affair, despite me being physically a virgin. I never dated, received gifts, or had any personal connection with A, yet he used the concept of an affair to threaten me. Cultural Context in Japan Japan is perceived as a developed country, but its legal system regarding sexual crimes is inadequate. Women’s status remains low, with seniority-based systems and male-dominated workplaces prevalent. Victims of sexual crimes and harassment rarely speak out, often facing blame. This social backdrop made it difficult for me to receive adequate support after my ordeal. I have faced secondary victimization many times and have not been able to receive proper support within Japan. I am isolated and seeking objective advice and support from the international community. I am sharing my story through ChatGPT to reach out for help. My story continues, and I will post it in parts.

I feel so alone! I'm a mom of adult girls, a director in my organization, A wife.... a victim,,, how at my age (37) could this happen?? A few drinks at a charitable event, I fell unconscious and was sexually assaulted! I feel, embarrassed, ashamed, sad and mostly.. alone.

I'm not going to spell check this story I'm talk texting it just so you know. My first memory as a child I was four moving into a new apartment with my mother and my first stepfather. My mother was a 17 year old heroin addict prostitute when she was pregnant with me by some Hells Angels Bikers who obviously never claimed me. She was a terrible I mean she wasn't a bad mother but she wasn't a mother she was just really fun to party with I guess there's always some sort of roof over my head my first stepfather I would watch him beat her unrecognizable to even myself on a regular basis he was an alcoholic and they were both heroin addicts I didn't know this at the time. He was verbally abusive and torturous to me as well as very physically violent from as early as I can remember. One of the times that she escaped him but she always went back of course we stayed with a friend of hers who had a son that was my age we were both five. The boy's grandparents owned a bar and a liquor store where we would stay in there apartment that was attached to them both while our mothers worked at the bar. I would wake up in the middle of the night in front of the TV on the floor with the boys Grandpa's hand in my pants and fingers inside. One night our mothers had gone out partying and back then we didn't have babysitters I'm sure we weren't any older than 6 years old we were sleeping in his mother's waterbed and he offered to do something to me that I would absolutely love and I said yes and he gave me oral the boy that was my age where no older than six at the most and I remember I loved it and he told me he would do it anytime I wanted all I had to do was ask. Parents teach their children Bad Touch no no spots you have to tell but when you're that age and you don't know any different and it feels good the last thing you want to do is tell anyone I remember being extremely mad when he wouldn't do it one time when I asked. My memories of being a child are spotty there's not a lot of them. I never met my real father I didn't know anything about him or my mom being what she was or what she was involved in when she got pregnant I had no clue. She always told me the reason I didn't have a dad was because this guy got her and another girl pregnant at the same time and chose to be with the other girl and we couldn't ruin their family by trying to track him down and he'd be mad cuz he wouldn't want to pay child support. My mother went through a slew of men all being drug dealers I never understood that or got that at the time. My grandparents hated me because I was basically the other woman's grandchild to my grandma my grandma was my step grandma that's a different story all together but she hated me and my mother was a loser drug addict so they both couldn't stand us. Lot of years went by running from physical abuse and share beatings from all of them some things I remember knowing sexually a very young age now looking back I'm 55 now I don't know how I could have known those things other than being involved in them but I think my brain blocked a lot of it out. And the third grade the little boy next door and I used to pose like the Playboy pictures my step dad had in his books naked and have oral. I had an aunt Carla that was when you're older than me when I was eight seven or eight and we experimented sexually together. I was always very sexually aware and spent a better part of my very very young childhood masturbating all of the time everywhere. The times that my mother was in contact with my grandparents we would go to their house for Christmas or Thanksgiving and I had three cousins to brothers and one sister all from the same family and my mom's half brother my uncle. We would all sleep on the floor in the living room together us kids probably up until age of 13 or 14 and I would always wake up at to my cousin Name playing with my privates. He was quite a bit older than me I know the last time we were there together I could not have been more than 13 and he had just come home from the military. My female cousin which I never understood as being wrong we would what she called tickle each other all over every time we spent the night at Grandma's. Now that's weird. When I was 13 I was introduced to my foster parents that I was unaware of apparently I was given to them at 6 months old when my mother went to prison and stayed with them until I was four I don't have one single memory of them or anything about them the entire time I was there I believed that they were my parents they had two sons that were my brothers they were fantastic people they were stereotypical nuclear 2.5 family when I met them at 13. So at that time I was only told that I was there for 6 months I didn't know it was for 4 years I also did not know that she never came to visit me so when Social Services came and took me back from them and gave me to her I did not know her she was a total stranger to me as well as the man she picked me up and took me home with I don't remember any of that until we walked through the door of the bedroom that she told me was mine. Then I proceeded to live in a life of abuse and alcoholism and heroin and cocaine and just party party my mom did never stop being younger partying she just drug me along with her. Basically I went from a perfect life with my foster parents into sexual assault and abuse Etc. I'm also guessing with no explanation for any of it back then as this was in the'70s early '70s. I have no recollection of being parented being taught about life or life lessons or anything like that growing up. I always hated my mother and I never understood why until I learned about being fostered for so long that made sense that I had no connection to her ever. I always only wanted the attention of men I wanted to grow up and be a stripper some men would like me pay attention to me never had any relationship friendship or parental child anything with any of my adults in my life that wasn't sexual. When I told my mother and my grandmother about my cousin assaulting me like that they didn't believe me. On my 21st birthday which is Christmas Eve so we were all together they got me drunk my cousins and that cousin proceeded to tell me that he had been in love with me his whole life and if he didn't know that it would give our grandmother a heart attack he would ask me to marry him he did not believe that it was wrong whatsoever. Skip way way ahead I'm hanging out with Mike female cousin at 21 years old who is insisting that if I ever decide that I want to be with females let her be the first one. Skip forward a little bit more and my second male cousin has invited me to live with him in City because he's doing very well for himself and he wants to give me an opportunity to build my life up go to school whatever which ends because I will not have sexual relations with him at some point and he did not understand how the fact that we share the same blood in our bodies made it wrong none of them did. I'm 55 years old right now and it did not occur to me until just today for some reason who did all that to them because somebody did. So the rest of my story isn't really so important other than I spent my entire years growing up a very pretty little girl young lady and no one ever wanted anything to do with me if it wasn't about sex and I just wanted people to want to be my friend and to like me and I want to hang out with me for anything other than sex notice I had a brain or I was fun or I had a sense of humor that's always been my plight I just want to be noticed and loved. Marrying a narcissist covert narcissist for 20 years did not do that for me. My mother got me addicted to cocaine when I was 15 I quit at 19 and started doing meth which I continued to do until I was 30 something I think and then I got clean and had my second child my first one died when she was born not because of drugs because of genetics I have my son and he fixed me that he fixed me all of me as far as I was concerned four years later we had a daughter oh yeah I forgot I got set up for this guy on a one night stand intentional one night stand for both of us and wake up pregnant and ended up with him a complete covert narcissist for 16 years I raised his child from a previous and then our son that was 4 here's younger then we had a her daughter we had a daughter 4 years later he was not a father he didn't do anything to help in the household with the family you girls know what I mean I don't have to explain that. Put all every one of my whole life was to grow up and have babies and be a wife and be a mom and be the family that I wasn't a part of growing up and I had that and I was so grateful I was so eternally gratefully happy that I thought that my marriage was making me happy it took me a lot of years to realize it wasn't my marriage at all he was a piece of s*** who neglected me it was my children that made me happy I accepted it I had my children and that's all I ever wanted was to grow up and have a family and not be my mother and give my children something that I didn't have which was family and he stuck around so I outweighed the situation and was willing to sacrifice whatever I had to to have that family. Finally after 16 years of it I couldn't take it anymore and for some reason one day I made the mistake of standing up for myself and demanding to not be treated horribly anymore because when all I wanted was to be noticed and loved in life that's exactly what he didn't do he neglected and rejected me day in and day out for decades so I just asked him to stop being mean to me I would beg him for my for his friendship I would beg him to just talk to me anything I knew we weren't in love but we had committed to this family and apparently we're both both going to stick it out I didn't see why we couldn't be a little bit happy birthday could you just please stop being mean and if you can't stop being mean then leave I didn't even ask him to be nice to me just not being mean which he refused and moved out into the park down the street now I'll just jump real forward my kids are 21 and 17 and he has turned them against me and they hate me we followed him across the United States to try to keep things together after he disappeared two days after finding out that our son was cutting himself we've been fighting off and on and we talked and he sat down with our son and promise he wasn't going to go across the country to visit his brother he was going to stick around and we were going to make things work and we were going to help fix him she might send it started cutting because his life was absolutely perfect day in and day out for the first 10 years of his life we never argued we never fought we didn't have problems he never called me names he didn't treat me badly he just didn't treat me like anything I protected him coddled my children and kept them from the evils of the world as much as I could and that was wrong because then when things went bad they had no idea how to handle it and I failed them and I got so wrapped up and trying to put back together or what I knew that they needed and I had messed up and put my own needs first for once which I had never done everything was always for them and I tried so hard to take it back that I lost my mind and I did not behave with any decorum or couth and instead of holding their hands and ushering them through the most difficult part of their life I lost my mind because I didn't know how to go through the most difficult time in mine and I pay for that daily and so do they unfortunately I didn't see any of it while it was happening I really didn't if you were my friend or even my enemy and you were going through the same exact things I went through with this whole situation and my kids and my husband I would have stood right by you and showed you hey you can't do that you know what they need is you got to do this and you got to be like that and I didn't have anyone there for me to help me like that and I didn't see myself I couldn't see me through myself do you know what I mean like the forest in the trees and I didn't see a lot of it until it was so so too late anyway he disappeared without a word went from California to Tennessee and for three straight months did not answer the phone and I continued to lose my mind and spiral deeper and deeper into a abyss of loss of control which was the only thing that I wanted in my life stability control for myself you know never had it growing up so now I'm spiraling deeper and time is going by and my children are getting ignored because I'm too busy going crazy calling texting. I finally make contact with him we talk and talk and talk and over the course of time agreed to reconcile and I will give up everything in California and put my kids in the car and drive to Tennessee to reconcile our family and so I did I gave up everything but the clothes that fit in the car and long story short on that we came to Tennessee just before I left California and just after I gave up everything of ours I learned that he had a girlfriend here and so I just drowned in that crazy uncontrollable crazy b**** face I lost my mind I lost sight and track of everything else but we still had to come out here so skipping over a bunch of Juicy stuff to get here here we came I sent my son first because he had to get signed up and start high school it was his first year of high school and we were waiting for text me to come to be able to afford to get her unbeknownst to me when my son got here at 14 years old instead of his father trying to help him just like his mother wasn't and he'd been cutting hardly my son stayed in a motel with his father and some girl and at that time and laughed my son didn't even know that those things existed my son did not know people did those things to each other he had no clue so he sucked deeper into that Cesspool of no one cares about me I don't matter so for the 3 months he was in Tennessee before his sister and I he never spoke to me once what was he going to say he wouldn't answer the phone to me you would not talk to me and that's when I lost him that was my baby and he has never really spoken to me since other than to tell me I should off myself. So we came to Tennessee and he was horribly horribly worse to me and I just could never understand why he was begging me to come here and then she has treating me like absolute garbage dirt at the same time it never made any sense to me and it drove me crazier and I could not figure out what was wrong with me what is wrong with me what am I doing it all became about me me and I lost my children's love more more more and more and the connection with them got further and further so now the only thing that's ever mattered to me I am completely out of touch with at this point in it and I don't even realize it I don't even realize it. So we got together we broke up we got together we broke up we got together we broke up when I learned that he was now advertising on Craigslist to sleep with men and I'm not lying about this not one but this is embellished if anything this isn't even the half of it I have no reason to b******* I wait a minute so even before that once we were here he left me for this chick and run off to City 2 with her while me and the kids were here in Tennessee and after 6 months of it not working I bought him a bus ticket to come back here because we're both parents right we're both parents and at this point I've been with this human being for 18 years and I don't know anything different anyway my daughter and I had been living in motels because I lost my home when he left for City 2 my son had already moved out from the age of 17 because he said he couldn't put up with her b******* anymore and I didn't blame him so he comes back he doesn't get a job I don't have enough money to afford the motels anymore we send my daughter to my mother-in-law's because she's about to start high school in a few days and we have to buy a tent and go to sleep in the woods until he procures a job and helps me save money to get into a place now . So now I'm living in a two-man tent in the middle of the Woods 2400 Mi away from home where I don't have anybody except for this person that hates me that I hate he saves the money and leaves me in the tent where I have been homeless now over 2 years my children hate me they won't speak to me it's all my fault that I'm a loser homeless person and Drug them across the country so all of that being said. My cousin Name it was the one who diddled my middle grew up to be some sort of Representative in Utah I don't know what his title is he married a woman that had three daughters and all I could think this whole time was I know he did it to them too and how much it disgusts me that this city in Utah has an elected official who is a child predator and a child molester how disgusting it is that people don't see people for what they are or who they are and the first time that I saw him on Facebook about 5 years into my marriage which I was married in 2004 and I contacted him and one of the first things I said was something to the effect of what he had done and his only response was oh now that's where we're going to start are you kidding me. I made an attempt one time and called the the newspaper there and ask them if they'd be interested in a story about their elected official but then when they got back to me i chickened out and never talked to them right now I want to contact his wife and let her know what she's been with this whole time because it makes me sick that he's just like nothing ever happened and there was nothing wrong with it. The good news is I'm not traumatized sexually or you know it didn't make me a w**** or a s*** it didn't make me not want sex it didn't make me gay it didn't make me not gay it didn't make me anything it didn't as disgusting and disturbing as it is to me my favorite way to have sex is the same way that he used to touch me which is bizarre but I'm pretty normal sexually it doesn't plague me it didn't change me as a person it didn't affect my life entirely and completely like some people it doesn't Define me it's never defined me as far as I'm concerned it's something that happens to everyone and when I raised my children it wasn't is it going to happen to them but when is it going to happen and who is it going to be so I guess I saw this site because I was looking up things to try to slyly jab him in the side like a thorn and involve myself in a couple of Facebook conversations he was having with other political members where they were arguing back and forth about Elon Musk doing that Hitler sign and how stupid they were I wanted to tell them because they're so focused on something that doesn't even matter in life that they don't even realize that they're talking to a sex offender child predator child molester but I wanted to do it in them most professional way so I started researching and asking questions on the internet and this is where I ended up somehow. I told the story hundreds of times it doesn't bother me it doesn't make me sad it doesn't make me anything except for disgusted I don't want or anything I dont want people to feel sorry for me or anything like that I just wanted to share my story because the first three that I read each of those stories were a piece of my total story if you added them all up when I was younger .I used to want to write a book because people say oh yeah my mom was an alcoholic or oh yeah my family was into drugs or oh my family was abusive or my family was neglectful I lived a piece of all of those things throughout my growing up all of them some people only experience one or two of those Lifestyles and I dabbled in a little bit of it all and I thought I could write a book where each chapter was dedicated to one section like that and then no matter who picked up the book and read it they would see that they weren't the only ones that there was someone out there that shared what they were going through or went through and they're not crazy and they're not bad and they're not alone so that's why I just puked out all the story which from what I can recall is about 300 times longer than any of the other ones I read sorry for that I hope I at least kept you entertained I could have made the story way more intense and detailed but I've already taken up too much of your time. I'm just curious should I tell her should I ruin her existence and tell her what she's been living with this whole time so she could at least ask her three daughters who are probably grown women at this point what he did to them should I tell his constituents you think that's going too far I mean it was decades ago. But considering the position that he's in in his community I am firmly against a child predator and molester rapist having the ability to be in control of deciding anything for anyone else and in their community I don't even think he's in office anymore I just think that people should know the type of person that they let have control then at the same time then the same thing happened with our president I mean basically basically nobody cared they still elected him so maybe I just want to matter to someone just matter enough for someone to tell you how you know it f*** that guy . The only other thing I got for you is aside from losing my family unit and the only thing that mattered to me my children the reason that I woke up every morning I don't have any other family members everyone's dead except for my molester cousins two of them the Name and the girl and I never had any brothers or sisters or anyone else so I'm all alone out here and it sucks 3,000 miles away from home haven't had a friend in the world for about 5 years now it's crazy I'm glad you could meet me I'm sorry I wasted so much of everyone's time really all I ask is don't you dare even suggest to yourself inside your own head that any of this is b******* it's just my life that's all and it's just some of it.

On Date I was sexually assaulted by a man I thought I loved. At first, I blamed myself. I thought if I reported him I would ruin his life, no realizing he had already ruined mine. My sense of safety is gone, my security is gone, my power is gone. I finally had the courage to " stand up for myself and it backfired on me. On Date 2, Name victim shamed me to my lowest point. Her words hurt me deeper than the actual assault. I felt so powerless and defenseless again! She called me a liar, because his lies sound better than my truth. She accused me of making up a story, as if she was there when he put a gun to my head! I had never first hand experienced victim blaming but this is definitely the most horrifying experience I have ever experienced.

I write this while my husband works on the computer and my son plays with his fake sword. I write this while I try not to cry. I write this because holding it in is making me sick. I feel it swirling around in the pit of my stomach, sitting there like one big lump of heavy sludge. The night started off fun, it was supposed to be a casual get together for a co-worker moving on to a new position. I was excited to go out because most of the time I don’t get to do that. I’m a mom, a wife, a hard worker. I take care of others. My days consist of working, making meals, going to tee-ball and swim. My weekends consist of catching up on laundry, getting the occasional pedicure and going on Costco runs. I struggle like any woman with my identity as a mom and a wife and the person I was before. I was getting drinks, sharing stories of our crazy job and enjoying my time off. I was laughing so much. Here is where the blame kicks in, and even though I know better I can’t help but blame myself. I blame myself for drinking too much, I blame myself for being too chatty. I blame myself for being too friendly. I blame myself for not going home sooner. Everyone was done, but I wanted to keep going. One more bar, and so did he. I was so glad one person was on the same page and they didn’t want the night to end just yet. I felt young and free, running around different bars with a new friend. We kept talking about girls he liked, and I was giving him advice on being young, carefree and taking advantage of that. The bars were closing, I had to get a ride and I had to walk to my car. The alcohol was running through me and I felt so good. I thought I was chalking up the night to a fun carefree evening, where new friendships were made and it turned out I was wrong. Things started to get blurry, as we sat on the cement waiting for my ride. We were still talking and it was fine but then he pulled up a video of a man and a woman having sex, and he asked me if I liked it. He started to ask me more questions, if I watched porn, how often, and what kind. I was shocked, I answered the questions like a robot. He told me he was hard, and I kept looking away. My ride finally appeared and I left, made it home and I didn’t fully understand what had just happened. Just how uncomfortable I was and how wrong he was to do that. He texted me, asking to come over, asking me to watch the same video as him. I responded and pretended I was ok, pretended the questions he was asking me were normal …I don’t know why. It makes me sick that I didn’t just say fuck you!! You sick fucking piece of shit!! Don’t ever fucking talk to me again you mother fucker!! I just kept saying yeah sure which video, you can’t come over and lol. He finally stopped and I passed out. I woke to an alarm and I later got a message from him laughing it off, and asking me to delete the messages from him and I did. I went about my day, I went about my weekend. But flashes of what happened keep creeping in. I can’t stop them. I dread seeing him at work. I fear that he will spin what happened into a story that makes me look like a cheating wife. I feel like I was unfaithful. I know I did nothing wrong but I hate myself, I hate what happened, and I hate that I have to live with this. I feel like I can do nothing, and can’t tell anyone. Ever. I question my whole being, why would someone think they could do this to me. Why , why, why me.

I didn't realise I had experienced Sexual violence until I was in a women's refuge. It was when they were going through my experiences and fully explained the sexual abuse that I realised. I was often coerced into sex and one time after a night out I woke up to him on top of me, I was frozen and couldn't move. This was my husband, I trusted him.