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Last year I was gang raped. I have an ear ringing called tinnitus that has not stopped since. I have nightmares. I flew with my mom to a wedding overseas. I was excited. She would be busy with her friends and cousin and I would get to spend time with my awesome second cousin who is two years older than me. After the rehearsal dinner we went out. It was fun because I was not legally able to drink there even though the age was lower than in my province, but they did not check ID’s. I did not drink much because it was not my thing and I had a boyfriend but I was able to go to some bars then a club attached to a hotel. So much fun up to when we met two soldiers in uniform who were cute and separated us from her friends because of our looks. My cousin is stunning beautiful. They had a private room at the club and several soldiers were there and two prostitutes also. Those prostitutes definitely hated us being there. I wanted to get out anyway and the cute ones that invited us acted like they understood and took us out of there. We stupidly let them take us to their hotel room where they totally dropped the cute romantic act and made us strip our clothes to music. They showed us a gun they had in a drawer. I was terrified. They made us lay on our stomachs bent over the bed side by side and had sex with us that way. They switched like we were interchangeable before finishing in us with no protection. We held hands. I was crying while my cousin was trying to be strong and cheer me up. We weren’t allowed to leave and our clothes were hidden. Before took our phones we had to text that we were staying at my cousin’s friend’s house. Then they called two other soldiers, one of them a huge tall dark guy with body builder muscles. He was the worst to me. They made us dance and then we had to use our mouths on the cute ones that had lured us there while the other two had sex with us. I vomited and my cousin cleaned it up but then it started again. They had cocaine and made us sniff it off their parts and sniffed it off us. Another one came and I think it was just those five during the night but they kept raping us and making us do things even when we would pass out. I would like to have been more unconscious but cocaine makes you so awake. I want to remember less and think about it all less. We showered many times. The big dark one peed on me and in my mouth the shower. He did it more than once like I was his toilet. The other men even had to tell him to chill out when he was making me scream liking his fingers and pushing them in my arse, but not when he made me crawl around like a dog using my hair as a leash. I remember one of them calling their friends to tell them to turn all their t.v.’s way up to hide the noise in our room. They watched sports news on the t.v. They had me and my cousin kiss each other and stuff. I could not act like it was a fun party like my cousin did sometimes and encouraged me to do. She tried to take some of their attention away from me over and over. I love her for it but they did not leave me alone. My chest is something they were obsessed with. They did not care that I was obviously distressed and freaking out or that in my country I was three years below the age of consent. There I was the minimum. We woke up in the morning on one the beds together with only the two soldiers sleeping on the floor. The black one was gone! They had sex with us again and another man who was much older and who they called SIR came in and had sex with both us but mostly me. They cheered him on and my head was pounding and I was crying and it seemed to last forever. Finally we got our clothes back but they took us for brunch wearing their normal clothes. They showed me pictures on their phones that made it look like I was having fun and warned us how bad it would be if we said anything different than we had a nice party. A nice party in hell! Before that I’d had sex with only my 1 boyfriend ever. One night of hell and now my number was seven!! We had to start getting ready for the wedding right away and I was exhausted. My cousin hid me and I took a nap in my dress, hair and makeup until the last minute. I cried in the ceremony but not for the wedding. I was so sore in my vagina, muscles, and brain that I got so drunk at the reception I barely remember any of it. Just part of being on the plane home. I told my mom the truth when I got back and she got all crazy, so did my dad, and they tried to call over there and the hotel and such but there was nothing the police would do. I saw my dad cry for the first time as I told the whole story. My boyfriend could not handle it and dumped me. I go to group and do therapy. I take a pill everyday and now benzo’s for break through anxiety. I try to hide my large chest under baggy clothes where before I used it for attention. STUPID! My cousin does not seem to have the trauma I do or the nightmares. In her country they are done with secondary school up to two years before us and are more treated like adults sooner. I said mean things to her once because of it. She forgave me but we talk much less since I asked if she has gang bangs all the time. I felt terrible because she even let them have anal sex with her to lure them away from me. I could tell it hurt her so much but at the time was just thinking about my own survival. My childhood is OVER but I do not feel like an adult. Her advice is -Don’t let it get you so down-. Like I have a choice in this!! She went to a therapist ONCE because her mom made the appointment and does not plan to go back. Her life did not really change!! She works reception at a tech company and models on the side and still goes to parties and clubs and dates. How??? It is unbelievable how attitudes toward something like this can be so different in different countries. I am a victim now and I usually feel like it. Definitely damaged. Everybody at my school knows why. I am THAT girl. My new more mature boyfriend is understanding but I feel like a sad little burden to him. I am hypersexual sometimes now and can’t help it. It is a coping mechanism that happens to some victims of sexual assault. I did not ask for it. I worry my boyfriend can’t trust me because of it. I had an older guy friend who’s been my neighbor for years take advantage of me after I told him the story of what happened at his house. We had sex and then he felt guilty for being turned on by my rape story. He admitted it and asked me to forgive him. The sex helped me calm the ear ringing for just short time periods so I did it with him more than once a day for a bit until my dad started to suspect something and talked to him. Since then I don’t trust myself. I want to marry my boyfriend in large part just to protect myself and show him I love him and am loyal even though I am not sure I can be. I worry I cannot love like a normal person. I worry I push him away being too needy and wanting to marry him so soon. I need him more than he needs me. Is that the way it will always be in relationships for rape victims??? I work hard at school not to ruin my future. It is so hard to focus. My ears ring constantly. Thank you for listening.

My name is Survivor and I live in Huntsville, TX. In 2004, at the age of 15 I was introduced to a man who was a pedophile. This was just after my parents divorced and after growing up with a severely abusive father, I was desperate from male leadership in my life. Needless to say, I was an easy victim. This man began grooming me and would eventually begin molesting me. This happened once or twice a month for the rest of my high school. Little did I know, this man was working alongside a college ministry called Chi Alpha and the Assemblies of God for at least 2 decades and had already molested other boys. For which he served a mere 90 days in Alaska jail. Pastors in our ministry tried to convince students, many of whom who were victims, to write letters of lienance on behalf of the abuser. You would think after high school and turning 18 I would have moved on and left him. After all, why would anyone continue to let themselves get abused? Unfortunately, that’s not how grooming or the mind of a victim works. So, I’m sad to say, the abuse continued. When I was abused in 2005, the statute of limitations in Texas at that time were until the age of 23. At the age of 23, I was still being molested by this man. For a significant amount of time the leadership in the Assemblies of God, which was the denomination I had been apart of my whole life, knew that this man was a registered sex offender and did not take needed steps to rid our ministries of him. I was one of the first victims to publicly come forward in 2023. For nearly 20 years I told no one, not even my wife. Myself and 5 friends, some even pastors in the Assemblies of God, started making calls to friends figuring other men had been abused heard dozens of stories of abuse because we were trying to help over 40 victims get help, seek justice, and heal. We all watched in horror as NDAs were used to insulate organizational leadership to cover themselves, using the NDAs as a fog of ignorance and hiding behind it. Because of this, Justice has not been served. Since then the Assemblies of God has tried to dismiss valid civil claims of negligence, has sidelined victims in the investigation process, and has sneakily tried to get victims to sign NDA’s. I’ll also add that I am a high school teacher here in Texas, and every year I hear stories from students who have been sexually harassed or abused in all kinds of scenarios. The happy side of my story is the abuser is currently in jail and awaiting trial. My wife and I have a rule in our house with our kids - no secrets. Last night I talked to my 8 year old daughter (in kid language) how NDA’s are used. And she said “but if you keep it secret doesn’t that bad person keep hurting children?” I had the privilege of working with Elizabeth and everyone involved with Trey’s Law. It helped my healing so much to be able to meet and talk with other survivors. To hear their struggles and to know I wasn’t crazy or alone. Through that legislative process I found my voice and gained confidence in sharing my story. Thank you Elizabeth for helping me tag along!

I’m a 22 year old woman. I’ve only had two sexual experiences in my life which involved two different men on two different occasions having sex with me while they thought I was asleep (some context: the first time I was 16 I threw a small house “party” less than ten people, as it got later in the night I felt tired so I rested my eyes on my couch and he came onto me and I just froze keeping my eyes closed and body limp as if I was asleep. I remember telling myself in the moment “don’t make a scene” afterwards I would tell myself that sexual assault was bound to happen to me eventually and to just be grateful it wasn’t violent. The next day I tried to tell myself it didn’t happen that I just “fell asleep and dreamt it” but I couldn’t deny the way my body felt, the way it hurt, and how my underwear was pulled to the side. The only time I had been somewhat intimate with someone before then was with boyfriend I had my freshman year of high school. He was incredibly respectful of my decision of not being ready for sex or anything similar so all we did was kiss and make out. The second time I’m not sure how old I was maybe 18. I was at my best friends house and we invited her friend that was over 21 so he could bring us alcoholic drinks. That time is very fuzzy I just remember fighting falling asleep on the couch but again I behaved like an imbecile and rested my eyes telling myself my best friend is with me I’m safe. What I didn’t know is that she had went to her bedroom to sleep and the guy moved me from a sitting upright position to lay my head on his lap. At first he was just kissing my face and lips while I just pretended to be asleep. I knew it was weird but I told myself it was fine and that I was strong enough to handle it. Then he picked me up and brought me to a bedroom where he had sex with my apparent unconscious body. The next morning is a complete blur except for the bruising on my legs and hickeys on my torso. Although writing this I’m realizing those could have just been bruises aswell). I feel so deeply ashamed that I just layed there and accepted it when the least I could’ve done is open my eyes and say “stop”. I didn’t know either of them very well but I considered them friends and thought they would come to their senses and stop before fully “committing” to the act. I was wrong. I’m 22 now and I have zero desire for any sexual or intimate relationships/experiences of any kind and I feel like there’s something wrong with me. My friends talk about sex and how they love being in relationships and the intimacy that comes with it but I just can’t fathom ever willingly putting myself in any relationship or situation like that. I’ve never talked about my sexual assault but my friends have opened up to me about their experiences and how it made them hyper sexual and they are all currently in loving relationships. I just wish I could be “normal”. I think about what happened everyday especially in the shower when I’m scrubbing my skin foolishly hoping that it will “erase” what my body remembers. A few of my friends that told me about their experience with sexual assault said they froze and I feel empathy and sympathy for them along with anger and disgust towards the person who assaulted them. But when it comes to me I can’t help but feel hate and disgust towards myself and blame myself for it, believing I deserved it because I let it happen. I also don’t even feel angry with the guys that did that me, just defeated. I made this post because I wanted to take a step towards talking about my experiences and hopefully healing from them but I’m not ready to open up to my friends about what happened me although I think of few of them already have suspicions because of my total disinterest in sex and relationships along with the way I spring awake ready to run out a door or jump out of a car if I’m woken up with physical touch. Vulnerability isn’t a strength of mine and I find the anonymity of this page comforting. I’m also open to any advise people might have that have been in similar situations. I feel like since my first and only times having “sex” weren’t consensual that I’ll never develop sexual emotions and that makes me feel inadequate and fundamentally marred. I’m sorry for writing such a long post but I do feel a sense of relief from writing this down and putting it out there even if it is anonymous. To whoever reads this- You’re beautiful inside and out. I hope happiness finds you today and it feels like gentle shower of warm sunshine on tired skin. Thank you for taking the time to read my post💛

Hi. I was 4. He was 17. We will call him B. I was placed with a new foster family. They lived on a big farm & had lots of animals. They had a new litter of kitties. My first day there, B took me to see the animals and pick out a kitten that could be my buddy. I picked a solid black kitten and he was the smallest. The next morning he took me with him to the barn to do chores. He took me to the loft and said he would bury my kitten if I didn't do everything he said. He pulled down the front of my Dora pajamas and began licking me. I was so confused and did not know what was happening. My body was confused. I was scared but my body wasn't responding in a fearful way. After he finished, he pulled my panties back up and told me I'm his favorite snack. I wanted to run and tell a grown up but I was scared for my kitten. That night I woke up feeling him doing it to me again. Next day, same thing. . . Every day I was there this happened. It escalated but it's too triggering to share right now. I should have been kept safe.

Me and My Shadow I was in the shadows but safe until you appeared. The shadows held me as I blended into life. But you brought a false sense of security and belonging by weaving lies. Lies, which without closer examination portrayed a caring man, a picture everyone saw. Lies which threatened my freedom, my career, my safety, my health, my confidence, my friendships. More lost than gained, More damaged than healed Timed journeys, timed grocery shopping, fecking timed everything. Control, control over who visited, control over shopping, fecking control over everything. You were the fecking Timing Controller of my life. Controlling to much, pushing me until my confidence was stilted and decisions were beyond my reach. So much for my high heels and power suit of management, they sure as hell weren't built to protect from rape and domestic violence. The suit was a challenge for you to bring me lower, so low I hardly recognised myself, so low I suicided, so low I thought I couldn't go any lower but yet I'd never go as low as you. My head space began to throw tantrums, not allowing you to live rent free. Thoughts of safety, freedom, family, friends filled it. Night turned to dawn as I made a call, a one sided call to Women's Aid. Each silent call gave me courage to step out of the darkness. Stepping up to the lights of help, hope, reality and clarity. Times even still I'm a shadow of my former self but I'm never stepping lower to believe: lies are love, isolation is closeness, a wallop or push was done in jest. Rape is love making. Domestic violence is abuse of one person by another person and rape is the unwanted invasion of a person by another person. Standing no longer in the shadows, Standing in the sunshine making harmless shadows, hurting nobody, loving life. Loving life without you.

You never think it would happen to her, but it did. Name was raped. She didn't tell us. When I learned about it, I was shocked. Who would rape a woman in intellectual/developmental disabilities? I write this narrative as my sister's co-conservator. I write this because justice has not been served and healing is a journey. Name has high support needs for her daily care. She relies on a tribe to keep her safe, healthy and happy. A man at her day program raped her when he was changing her adult underwear. The police report states that men were allowed to be alone her. One of them took advantage of her and gave her gonnorhea. She was in pain for months. We didn't know until an urgent care doctor did an STD panel. Other doctors didn't think to do this because "It doesn't happen in that populaiton." Little do they know that people with IDD have the highest rate of sexual asasult- 7x more than those without disabilities, per NPR's "Abused and Betrayed" investigative series. The facility still operates, the criminal case is still open and he is still out there- most likely caring for others. The family carries the trauma. As her sister, I have done so much over the past decade to raise the awareness, but I need help. We need more support. Link.

When I was 7, I started being sexually abused. This wasn’t by a family member, it was my grans second husband. It all stopped when I was 12, when we moved a few miles away and he didn’t visit as much. When I was 17, I was having therapy for other things, it eventually came out then. They helped me decide how I was going to tell my mum. They also said I should prepare for family members to not believe me. I thought, you don’t know my family. They all stick up for each other. Well so I thought. My mum never wanted to talk about it. I understand now that was due to guilt, she had her own mental illnesses to deal with. My sister, well she turned against me for a few years. Saying I was lying, I tried to ruin my grans marriage with my lies, threatening to beat me up. My sister even tried to prove I was lying buy having him watch her new born baby whilst she went and done his food shop. When this man died, it got worse. My sister and aunt said they can’t grieve over him cause of the lies I said about him. Saying I’m evil and not wanting me near her child incase I do stuff to her. I had cousins asking “what exactly is it he did to you? My gran saying “he’s not a pedophile”. All this almost destroyed me. It was worse than the sexual abuse I had went through as a child. I decided I wanted away from my family. So I enrolled in college at 23, at 27 I was qualified and got straight into a job, I had been saving through college, so managed to move onto my own place pretty quickly. Now 33 years old and looking back I often think, did all that really happen. I’ve since moved further away from my family, Doing this has helped me stay away from their drama and only visit on occasions. They’re a lot better now, but I’d still rather keep my distance. I’m in a good place mentally. I’ve got great friends and built a good life for myself. My advice to anyone going thought it. Prepare yourself for family not to believe you. Only talk about it to people you trust and only when you want to talk about it. Don’t feel you need to explain yourself to anyone. The best thing my therapist said, no matter what you did or didn’t do, it wasn’t your fault. You were only a child.

Name: Triumph Over Tragedy City, GA AIDS survivor and motivational speaker Name has a profound story that heals hearts. As a screenwriter, playwright, poet, Gospel songwriter, and author, she crafts riveting truths about love, life, and relationships, mirroring her trials. Name has faced abuse, addiction, domestic violence, suicide, and sexual assault. At the age of 21, Name was sexually assaulted by a stranger, and ten years later, she was date assaulted by two men she was dating, one of them being one of the assaulters. Despite these hardships, she committed her life to God, becoming celibate in 2000. Diagnosed with HIV in 2010 and progressing to AIDS in 2013, she defied the odds, with her AIDS status having been healed since 2014. Her films, available on Amazon Prime, and her stage play, performed in City, showcase her resilience. Name continues to inspire through her faith, therapy, and the support of her daughters. Follow Name on Instagram and Facebook for more of her inspiring journey. Name is a multitalented speaker, writer, and inventor featured in movies, plays, books, and online articles. Her films feature Hollywood talents such as Robin Givens and Paula Jai Parker. Learn more at [Name's website] (Link).

I was in my late teens , growing up as the Queer girl in school, subjected to years of bullying and sitting my leaving cert when I decided one day not entirely sure why that it was time for me to learn how to drive , with this new goal in mind I went to speak to my dad about potentially starting lessons and getting a car when he told me I should get a part time job to build a good work ethic and pay for this myself , I thought this was fair and began searching, the stars all seemed to align when a local restaurant was hiring for part time weekend staff, I applied and was hired, I remember on my first day meeting 2 men who worked there a man in his early 30s I'll call James and one in his late teens a year or so older than me we can call bob , I was quiet and kept my head down for the first few weeks but eventually began to open up and become more comfortable with the other staff particularly Bob since we where a similar age and had some matching interests, Bob looked much older than he actually was since he had a scraggly beard , we exchanged social media and began chatting fairly regularly about work but soon about almost everything we talked alot over this period , I had 2 friends in the same school as Bob who where concerned about this due to Bob having a less than favoured reputation It was a few weeks later when Bob asked about pursuing a relationship, at first I was hesitant due to the fact we where coworkers but decided to give him a chance , I remember I would always feel a sense of dread before meeting with Bob despite not being entirely sure why I had 2 pet ferrets at the time who are usually incredibly friendly absolutely hate the guy , we had a few heated arguments surrounding boundaries and consent and it became relatively clear to me that he lacked understanding on what consent actually was but being a dumb teenager I thought that was something minor that could be worked on It was the summer when we went out drinking and went back to watch a movie and stay over , I remember watching a TV show and feeling quite unwell, I wasn't used to consuming alcohol and had a very low tolerance, I went to the bathroom and threw up in the toilet, when I returned I did not feel good at all I don't remember much for a while past this point but I remember feeling a strong pain in my lower abdomen I opened my eyes and as they adjusted to the light I realised I was naked from the waist down and Bob was on top of me , being under the influence of alot of alcohol I didn't fully grasp the situation and just tried to pull away I got to the top of the bed and held onto the bed frame I was mainly confused and in pain when I was dragged by my legs back down the bed , finally started to grasp the gravity of the situation I managed to whine "stop" no response , I don't remember much after this point but I do remember limping to the bathroom and immediately throwing up in the worst pain I have ever felt , this is the part that's clearest in my mind , not the act the aftermath of it , grabbing a shower head and spraying ice Cold water all over my thighs to wash off blood in tears but not making a sound beyond , it felt like an out of body experience I remember staggering back out of the bathroom in pure survival mode , This was over a year ago now and it it still affects my daily life , I have alot of self doubt and regret , I know deep down that its not my fault but for some reason it's incredibly hard to believe that whole heartedly , I feel like it carries a stigma when I meet people it's Easy to gauge whether they know or not based of their reaction to me and although I've had alot of support from my friends it still feels as if it'd be better if nobody knew , not a day goes by where I don't think about it , there are ups and downs If there was one thing I could change with the current education system it would be to please make consent a mandatory part of the sphe module and not just a brief touched on subject a genuine important part that's explored on depth by trained staff , I feel like it could save so many people so much heartache and trauma

Sexual assault is a spectrum. I think as young women we laugh off so much - bring catcalled from 12 or 13, being groped in clubs, mocked for pushing a guy off who won’t keep his hands of you. I’m so glad there is this space to share our stories <3

I recently broke up with my girlfriend who’s been my best friend for around 11 years and we still have sleepovers frequently and the other day I was half asleep and she kept telling me I was too tired and I needed to go to sleep soon and when I gave in and I was falling asleep she asked me for a kiss and in my sleepy state I said yes forgetting we had broken up and so we kisses not a peck it was quite a long kiss no tounge..? I don’t know how to feel because I didn’t even remember it happened until the next afternoon and I told her it made me uncomfy and she said sorry I just needed something and “I didn’t think u were tired enough to not give consent”?? I don’t know does this count as a form of sa? It felt like it..?

I went through this kind of thing twice in my lifetime. Once as a child and once as an adult too. I know I'm not alone. There are many who have had this twice sometimes more in a lifetime mine the first one happened when I was 6 to 8 years old. The second one I was much older in my late thirties. Having been through it twice in a lifetime takes allot out of you but somehow you persevere even if you don't think you can. My adult one happened in my last foster home.Tt happened over 4 years I was trying to keep the peace in my home. And he took advantage. I want everyone to know I'm ok now I live in a better place now. Just sometimes it overshadows me. And I know it's not my fault. Thanks for listening.

last night. i made the dumbest fucking decision ever to sneak out and go on a walk at 1am. I live in a safe area, I thought I would be ok. This is genuinely all my fault. I went to the gas station to buy a Cola, and then went to the bathroom. I'm so mad at myself, I usually go into the disabled single stall because I know this shit kind of happens often, and I'm also on the thinner size for guys. But I didn't this time. His breath smelt of weed, his voice terrifyingly deep. Almost robotic. "If you tell anyone Ill fucking kill you" My youth taken, I feel so incredibly dirty. Every part of me aches. I can't get his smell off of my breath. I can't get it off my mind. I can't help but think that if I just stayed home none of this would've happened. Why does bad stuff keep happening to me?

When i was about 12-13 years old, me and my twinsister used to hang out a lot with the girl that lived next door. She was a few years older (she was 16 i believe) and i looked up to her a lot. I thought she was cool and loved that she wanted to play with us. She would sometimes babysit when our parents were away. So overall we had a pretty good relationship i guess. One time, we (me and my twinsister) were sleeping over at the neighbours and sleeping in the girl's room together. Normally that would just be the three of us, but this time for some reason her brother and his best friend were also sleeping in the same room. Both of the guys were about 17 years old. It started out alright but at some point (either the girl or the boys, i don't remember) suggested playing a game. I didn't really know much about sex at that time, but what they suggested as a game was to have oral sex with the guys. The neighbour girl took me and my sister to a seperate room for a bit, and explained what oral sex was and had us sort of "practice" that on a pencil for a bit. After that we returned to the girl's bedroom. At this point, i don't remember much of what happened (if anything more happened), i just remember at some point being upset and crying. I keep struggling to deal with this memory and often it doesn't even feel valid to call it abuse or even trauma. But i know i was very uncomfortable and overwhelmed. I don't know if what happened counts as COCSA. I recently just learned about this word so. It's all very confusing, but whenever i think about that memory now, i feel very uncomfortable and anxious.

I'm a man who got raped by his wife multiple times. no one ever believed me and just told me that she ios my wife so its ok. Now I want tpo help men who face violence by their partners

I (24,m) was sexual abused by my best friend at the time we were 10 years old. I was in 3rd grade and had to repeat that grade, so i lost a lot of contact to my friends. I stayed in contact with one friend, the perpetrator, and our friendship grew a lot. When i was at his home he showed me gay porn, this was the first time i came into contact with the topic of sex outside of sex ed class. I wasn't really interrested in it and, nothing more happened that day, but in retrospect I think, the friend was maybe kind of testing the waters. Some weeks later, we were at my place, where the abuse happened. I lived in a multi appartment house, and my mother had rented one appartment two sories down of our main appartment, so my father could move his office down there, we could have a guest room for family menbers that came to visit. I also had a model train down there, and me and the friend spend a lot of time there and played with the train. One day, in the winter time we decided to go tobogganing at a nearby hill. On the way to the hill, and on the way back, my friend talked me into trying out the things we saw in the porn video with him. First i said no to this, as i was only 10 and not interested in this kind of stuff, but he told me this kind of actions are normel for friends, and eventually i said yes. Back at my place, he still tried to talk me into it, and i remember that i didn't wanted to do these things, but was scared to loose him as my friend. Because at that time he was the only one of my old friends i had stayed in contact with. I remember that we were kissing, dry hummping, and me on top of him rubbing our private parts together. But the friend wanted to also try out sex with me. So he talked me into oral sex. After that he treid to talk me into letting him have anal sex with me. He wanted that i take a shower and clean myself up for this, but luckily I never said yes and after the 3rd time of trying to convince me he accepted that somehow. But he wanted oral sex again in exchange. To that i said yes, so he wouldn't be and at me. But i remember that i backed off of him at first to the edge of the bed and to the corner of the wall and sometimes still feel the cold wallpapper touching my back. I remember feeling very confused by all of this, and still to this day 15 years later, i am scared of intimacy with other people and get panic attacts even by just laying in bed with someone or cuddling half naked. I also felt a lot of guilt, because i wasn't forced to to these things and said yes. But today I know better, that i was child , didn't really know what was happening and that he abused my trust and lack of knowledge. I hope i will get better soon, and maybe heal from this. I also hope all the best to all of you survivors out there. What ever happened, it was not our fault.

i AM 18, and WAS 18 when it happened. My older cousin (20) and I have always had this strong siblings like relationship. But that all changed on Date of the year 2025. I was staying the night at his apartment and it felt normal. Just as it did every single time we would hang out. He put a movie on and got some snacks, and he sat down next to me. He sat down next to me to the point in which our legs and shoulders were touching, but that was just normal for us. About 30 minutes into the movie, the two main characters started kissing. The kissing only lasted like 10 seconds, but it was enough to make him feel a certain sexual way. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw something move upwards from the left side of me. I looked down and I saw his "thing" standing straight through his pants. I felt my eye widened and I just couldn't get my eyes off because I was so confused and shocked. He asked me " do you like that?", and I just stared at him. I got up, wanting to run ANYWHERE but THERE, and he reacted quickly, grabbing my hands and lighting me onto his back. He carried me as I kicked and screamed and he took me to his room. In his room, he had a lot of things on his bed: handcuffs, gag toys, vibrators, and dildos. He used one pair of the handcuffs to tie me onto the back of his bed, and another two pairs to tie my feet to the bottom of his bed. My legs were spread open. I was screaming, and he put what I assume was a handkerchief or SOME sort of cloth, into my mouth, which stopped/zoned out a lot of the screaming. He then proceeded to use scissors to cut my clothes off. He licked, fingered, and put things inside me, including "liquid". That night, things started at 7:00, and ended at 9:00. He ended up falling asleep, and for two whole weeks, I was there. Every single day, I would wake up to either having it inside of me and him being on top of me gasping for air (it satisfied him), a toy in or outside of my you know what, or fingers down there. We would fall asleep after almost two hours of that, and in the afternoon, he would do whatever he wanted to me whenever he pleased. PLEASE know that recovery is not easy!! But, it's only harder if you dont TRY to recover the right way! Do not stay quiet, do not go into drugs, do not go into alcohol, talk to somebody! There are people willing to help you out, even if it isn't the people you wish it was.

"The Stray" Some would say that I am an extremely flawed individual. I am covered in varicose veins, stretch marks, cellulite, wrinkles, bad tattoos, sunspots, and grey hair. The bags under my eyes make me look like a chihuahua in the mornings, til about 10 I think I am developing claw hands and my toes look like they got caught in a weed eater. My feet are so big, that I have to shop for shoes in the drag queen section I have a toenail fungus that has followed me for about 30 years and no matter what I do, it just doesn’t wanna clear up Those are just some of the things one can see. Don’t get me started on my mental issues… I am a trainwreck most of the time that suffers from extreme anxiety. I am an introvert that has to use humor or booze just to make it through social situations. I have gone to different therapists over the years because I thought I was crazy. The first one diagnosed me with PTSD and sent me home with a children’s book and 50mg of Prozac After feeling like a zombie, slobbering all over myself for about 2 weeks, I threw the Prozac in the trash and used the children’s book to start a bon fire in the back yard. I sat there, had a beer as I watched Humpty Dumpty go up in flames. The last one I went to see diagnosed me with “Complex PTSD”, as if the first one didn’t think I was fucked up enough I quit her after a few times to… Ya see, I always thought something was wrong with me and I have always been searching for a way to fix it. As if there is some type of magical duct tape out there that you can use to put yourself back together with. For years, I spent so much time trying so many things just to make me feel unbroken. I focused the most energy on my scars….. Not the scars from all the things on the outside, it was the bigger, deeper ones on the inside. The biggest one of all has always been a “4 letter word”…..shame I had been drowning in it ever since I could remember I have felt it all my life I never felt like I fit in anywhere Growing up, I tried to be feminine and fragile like the other girls I saw, but I could never live up. I always felt different, I didn’t feel like other girls. I could wear a prom dress, but I would be the one with a run in my pantie hose before I left the house. I think I was born with dirt under my nails and I’ve always been so damn hardheaded that guys never knew how to take me. I never needed their help with anything, hell I could change my own tire and I have always had a thing for power tools I always had more fun drinking beer and talking about cars and football instead of clothes and boys. As I grew up, the awkwardness didn’t really go away. I didn’t completely fit in with the boys because……well, I was a girl I didn’t completely fit in with the girls because…. well, I wasn’t girly enough All of that I could handle, but the outcast feeling that you feel from the world around you was a much different ball game The minute I said who my father was, I got “the look” It was a look that went through you like a knife….it was a look of pity, judgement, and vulgarity, the look that always made me sick I never once got the look of sympathy…only judgement, which I internalized The feelings of shame just continued to be reinforced in my head throughout my life, almost as if it were a strategic thing Step 1), let’s see if this breaks her, step 2) lets see how she handles this one,, step 3) uh oh, she’s gaining some confidence, let’s aim and destroy… I knew that shame didn’t feel right, but then my environment told me that I deserved it, that I was damned I always felt like I was paying a kind of penance, the reason unknown My earliest memory of shame began in the little white house across from granddad’s house on highway number There dad was married to one of the stepmom’s, stepmom name stepmom name was horrid and extremely abusive She hated me, I think that she wanted to portray a perfect life with a perfect little girl, and I just wasn’t the one She would put me in pig tails and matching outfits, but within minutes my hair would be a mess and I would have dirt on my clothes She would get so angry that she would take a brush and snatch through my rats nest until I cried I felt like such an animal, I stayed outside all day away from her just so I could feel safe She loved to hit me with a wide, white leather belt, it was like she thought she could beat me into what she wanted. She was always let down….. The next thing I know she’s moving her 16-year-old son, name in with us Something about him scared me from the start, it didn’t take long for me to figure out why. There was something so dark about him, something so evil. He had black eyes and a unibrow, he was like the devil to me. He left a stain on everything he touched. Dad and stepmom name always left me there with him while they went out I begged them not to leave me, but they ignored me and went on their way It all started with him chasing me around the house, throwing me to the ground and slurping his spit over my face, threatening to let it drop He did this over and over again I would run to my room, lock the door and sit in the corner, but he always found a way in He molested me for months I didn’t know exactly what he was doing, but I knew that I would I never be the same name used to tease me and say, “did you know survivor that a person can drown from a cup of coffee?” I know now that a person can drown from a hell of lot less than that I developed passing out spells any time stepmom name approached me in a violent way or when I was about to face certain trauma The doctors couldn’t figure out what was wrong After a lot research, I know now that that is a brain response that some kids have to protect themselves from impending danger I grew out of it eventually I literally blacked all of those memories out for years, until one day I was sitting on a park bench at about 16 years old and like a river outta no where, it all came gushing over me, every single detail…..I guess the door to my locked box was so full, it just burst wide open All of these horrible memories came to the forefront, like a scary movie that I couldn’t turn off I went from 5’9 to 2 inches tall in a matter of seconds I couldn’t tell anyone, because after so many years, I didn’t think anyone would believe me anyway, they had already made a judgement call about me at that point Once people make that judgement call, its very hard to recover Its so easy to just be written off as a human being Labeled……. So I just bottled it up with the rest of the shit I remember confronting dad about name many years later He admitted that he knew it was going on, but just didn’t know what to do about it, so he did nothing It took years to process those words…”to do nothing.” Once that happens to a person, they are forever stained, they feel their value is diminished, and their self-worth torched To this day, I am so overprotective of people, even my dogs. I catch myself touching my husband in the middle of the night or touching my dogs when they are sleeping just to make sure they are still breathing and they are safe I know all too well what it feels like to not be able to breathe I know what it feels like to lose something that is important to you One of the biggest things that I struggled with growing up was how I felt, and then how others told me that I should feel It was a constant conflict in my head… Ya see, Dad was a terrible father….hell, that’s a book by itself But no matter what he did, my grandmother always reminded me, “survivor, you need to tell your daddy you love him, ya know he’s gonna be a preacher one day” “survivor, don’t say those things about your daddy, you need to be a good girl and read the bible”. When I wasn’t getting it from grandma, I was getting it from aunt name Dad would leave for days at a time, but rather than address the issue of a neglected little girl, aunt name would bring me these little books on how to cook and keep a clean house. She would remind me, “that I needed to know those things as a girl, so I could take care of dad” It was so confusing, and I developed these feelings of guilt for feeling bad and angry about what was happening to me. Everyone around me made me feel guilty for hurting, as if I didn’t have the right The personal shame just kept building Dad’s antics continued, from dropping me off and leaving me at strangers houses so he could get his shit together for a while, to the girls ranch….you name it I lived with so many people that I don’t even remember all of their names It developed something in me that made me very careful not to get attached to anyone, because things were always temporary Happiness was always temporary It always felt like I was the perpetrator, never the victim… No matter what, I never felt like part of that family, I always felt like a stray I always had a negative label attached to me in every situation… What had I done to create the situation…again, I internalized Growing up with Dad, I was always reminded of how useless women were For some reason, he thought it was ok to talk about his girlfriends to me I would watch as he picked up women from gas stations or hitchhikers, screw em and kick them out of the house As a girl, to see your father treat women this way, and to hear the things he said was not easy to overcome. I don’t’ think it ever crossed his mind as to how that was forming my opinion of myself, besides I was a girl to. As I got older, I built a shell around me. All the other girls were shaving and dressing a certain way, but I refused to do it I didn’t want anyone to think of me as just one of those “stupid bitches”, I didn’t want anyone looking at me in a sexual way I begin to feel so dirty and worthless around men I had been sexualized at such an early age and with all that had happened up to that point, I begin to feel that my only value came from being attractive, a girl was worth nothing else I merged into extreme rebellion. I started getting into fights and trouble at school I would fight guys and girls, it didn’t matter Physical pain has always been easy for me I thought that if I was tough, no one would ever have the guts to ask me, what’s wrong, so I would never have to tell them I ran with all the “rejects”, I always felt more comfortable around them I guess I kinda still do Ya do what you know…ya know better, you start to do better These moments taught me that no matter how hard life knocks you down, always, always get back up As I got older, things just kept going south… I eventually ended up in juvey when dad kicked me out of the house At that point I had become a total rebel…black eye liner (I loved joan jett), leather watchband and always a cigarette hanging out of my mouth I was no longer that “little daddy’s girl”, I had long since realized that Superman, had major, major flaws…. There was no Santa Claus or tooth fairy at least not for me, nor was there every gonna be From Juvenile, I ended up with my Aunt and Uncle in location aunt 2 name wasn’t really excited about it, but uncle name insisted I remember that day in the court room when dad signed over his rights to me He didn’t even look at me, he just turned and walked out I didn’t speak to him for years after that uncle name was one of the first people in my life that ever told me that I was worth something and that I could do whatever I wanted in life He exposed me to what unconditional love felt like for the first time He initiated the change in me…. I am forever thankful for my Aunt and Uncle, but that doesn’t mean it was easy aunt 2 name in her own way wanted to help me, fix me, but just didn’t really know what to do Trying to deal with a broken, damaged pile of nothing in a teenage body couldn’t have been easy Unknowingly to her, she simply just again reinforced in me, that I wasn’t good enough She wanted me to dress a certain way, cut my hair, go to etiquette school, join a sorority and hopefully if things shook out right, I could marry rich I know now that she did this based on her own experience growing up in a home that just didn’t value women It was her way of passing down things to me in an effort to make my life easier, however that life wasn’t for me I didn’t want any of that stuff, I wanted someone to accept me for me, I just couldn’t verbalize those feelings very well, so I acted out instead Life got hard for me as an adult. I was emotionally stunted. I reacted to things abnormally, then I beat myself up for doing so I would go in and out of deep depressions, there were days I couldn’t function because of the enormous weight I carried People could look at me and tell I was a mess, they never had much expectation I never felt trusted growing up, I never felt whole. I was always waiting for the next bomb to drop I became so adept at anticipating bad things happening, that looking back I wonder if I had manifested certain things I lived every second of my life in defense mode It took a long time to realize that my behavior was simply a result of my experiences in life I had to learn how to forgive myself, how to let go. I had to understand that the mistakes I had made and the things that were done to me did not define me as a person. I had to stop hating myself so deeply I had to understand that every step of the way, I had to be the person I was at that very moment to survive my circumstances It took a very long time to realize that all these things were simply programming me to become the person that I am They taught me that I can overcome anything and that I was obligated in life to use what I know to help someone else I was fired from my job last year after 15 years, I wasn’t given a reason, just that “I was not on the same page with the boss”, I simply said, “ya know, your right, I’m not” I had been the only female to ever make it to that level with that company, I had been the most successful Director in the history of the site and had achieved many, many accommodations in that role, including the highest engagement scores in the history of the business However, out of all of that, my biggest accomplishment was the fact that I had had a positive impact on the lives of other people. People came out of the wood works to tell me what I had meant to them and how I had helped them in their lives That I, the useless stray had a made a difference in many people’s life I had discovered my superpower; my purpose and it was through writing and painful self-reflection that I formed it, into something useful People that I worked with and friends of mine would randomly come up and tell me about how I had helped them, how something I had said or done had changed them in a positive way I realized that I had a power, that I was not useless. I realized that I was strong for a reason, that I had survived everything for a reason I knew that I simply could not withstand one more ounce of suffering and only I could find a way out and I could use these qualities that I had uncovered to do it These lessons I had learned were priceless and most people don’t learn them in an entire lifetime It was a moment of rebirth….one that I desperately needed I begin to dig deep, to peel back every layer within me to fix it and self-correct I started with controlling my internal talk to myself No more negative self-talk, it had to stop It was extremely difficult; I would even have feelings of guilt or arrogance if I gave myself too much positive feedback Besides I was trained to suffer right, it was a hard habit to break I realized that every negative thing I said about myself just programmed my brain to believe it…I was poisoning myself I began reading every book I could get my hands on about controlling emotions, dealing with anger and abuse and higher levels of thinking I studied everything I could to try and break through. I started trying to look at people differently and realized that there was evil and good in everyone. That that in itself was the human condition Through this process I discovered that every single thing that had ever happened to me happened for a very specific reason I began to tie those reasons back to the situations and take a look at what I learned from it and the value in the lesson. I started thinking deeply about the people who had hurt me and why they did what they did. I developed compassion for them on a different level and began to see them as the humans they were. I began to teach myself that to have the best life, you have got to let the past life go. I had to shed my skin, free myself from the chains of my past once and for all. I had to embrace every single thing over and over again until I got it. It was extremely painful, and I had to consciously work on it every day. Today, I sit here and completely know that I have zero regrets and if given the opportunity, would not change, not one moment in my life or how I reacted to it. It taught me things about people and the world that you simply cannot learn in a classroom. It gave me a 6th sense and the ability to see deeply inside another person without them ever opening their mouth. I realized that I was an empath that like a sponge I took on the pain of others. I can feel what another person feels by just being in the same room. Through that, I am able to allow them to feel safe. Through this process, I was able to define 6 very important things about myself: 1) I absolutely hate bullies and I am very protective of those that are vulnerable 2) No one can hurt me anymore because I have already experienced that shit….you got nothin! 3) I am capable of anything, because I have nothing to lose and zero fear of failure 4) I don’t identify with anyone or as anything, therefore my mind is open to all things 5) I don’t need anything because I am survivor in many forms 6) I am unafraid to walk alone, go against the majority and I can stand my own ground These things about myself that I discovered help me understand that I would not be these things if it were not for my experiences. That I am fully liberated from the bullshit stigmas, judgement and expectations of other people That you can throw me to the wolves, and I will return leader of the pack That someone can take everything from me, and I will survive That money, material possessions or other people’s opinions about me, mean nothing That I have already proven who I am time and time again and that I owe no apologizes or explanations for anything Most importantly, I know that I can help other people. My strength is my purpose. I have the strength to carry the pain that others can’t carry alone I realized that I am a warrior and that everything was preparing me for my purpose I realize that I am the one that is meant to fight the bullies, change the perception, and help the demons see their own reflection I know that I am the one that is meant to help others see the beauty in themselves I would not be able to do that without being scarred and fitted for armor I know now that true power, strength, and the ultimate peace can only be forged through intense self-reflection, ownership, awareness and personal forgiveness. I have fully embraced all of these things I have fully forgiven myself I realize now that the intense shame that I have felt, was simply their shame reflected on to me It was never me I now know that I have people in my life that love me unconditionally, that rely on me and believe in me I know that I am not the evil I withstood I know that I have been through hell and survived it over and over again I know that I have faced many, many monsters in my life and that I defeated them, every single one That up to this point, I have survived every worst day, I have ever had I know that I have skills to help the people that too feel written off The abused, the ones that have been devalued and tossed out I can offer a hand to pull others up when they are drowning in pain I have the ability to teach them what happiness and joy can be I now embrace every flaw, every fucked up thing about myself, the bad tattoos, the varicose veins…everything I see through all the people that hurt me, I see their weakness, their pain, and their own lack of self-forgiveness I realize today that most people don’t experience or understand true joy in their lifetime I was so thankful growing up for the little things, a peaceful day, horses, animals, getting to go for a ride with the windows down, watching flowers bloom or shop lifting a candy bar from location 2 Those small things kept me going, I am so appreciative for the peace I feel today I don’t look at people with any judgement because I have encountered people of all backgrounds that have touched my life in extraordinary ways The black waitress at the truck stop that watched me all night and gave me her tip money for video games while dad was next door at the dog track blowing all of his money Because of her, I don’t see race My high school teacher teacher name, who was an atheist, but taught me more about acceptance and self-love than any preacher ever did Because of her I know not to judge what I don’t understand The local drug dealer with the speedy gonazalez tattoo on his leg, he taught me street smarts, how to know a con when I see one and how to protect myself against the worst of kind Because of him, I have the ability to walk amongst demons and come out unscathed To the drag queens that cried with me, danced with me and helped me through my first divorce Because of them, I was allowed to be exactly who I was meant to be To my husband husband name, who loves me unconditionally and believes that I can do anything Because of him, I can do anything People often ask me, why do you even speak to your dad? Why do you even have anything to do with these people? I just kinda smirk, because you can’t put true forgiveness into words It is a living thing, it is an understanding of the human condition It is a realization that these individuals are weak and that the people you were most afraid of as a child, are simply extremely fragile human beings that suffer greatly that they to have a purpose, even if its just to teach you something That you are so much stronger than them and the situations you have endured, it makes you wonder why you were ever afraid It makes you realize that having the ability to let go of your anger and truly forgive someone is an amazing thing It doesn’t mean you have to have these people in your life, because it’s your life If they are toxic in your life, you never have to see them again, its ok You don’t owe anyone anything and you can own your feelings It means that there is nothing to be ashamed of, that you are beautiful just as you are That you are loved and that you have the right to fully be yourself in every way That the darkness you walk in is just a lesson on how to really see That life is a journey and you should embrace it full bodied That you are not one thing or another, that you are everything that you need to be That you are filled with purpose and power and that you can overcome anything That it all lies within you There is no magic pill, no therapist, nothing that can help you, but you That taking the journey toward freedom is a painful one, but worth every single step The feeling of shame is a label that can be ripped off and thrown out, it is not permanent, and it is not meant for you That it is simply a feeling projected on to you by an insecure society that lives in fear of your personal power That deep inside, you scare the hell out of them because you have seen the bad within them You are a truth teller That you are their name 2 a reminder of their own personal failures I wrote this mantra and say it to myself every single day…it helps me. May you find your own mantra to….. I am a warrior May I behave as such May I be vigilant without vengeance May I be humble and quiet even though I am powerful May my armor not be penetrated by the arrows of fools Nor my shield chipped by the blades of the callous and the cruel May I protect the weak and vulnerable against the wicked May I be prepared to fight and die for the right May I not be afraid and live this day with honor For I am a warrior, and we are few

A group of female tourists staying overnight at the building at Building Name, booked through booking.com, were disturbed at night by a man walking around the corridor drunk and wearing only his underwear, who then approached them. The fact that the group of girls supported each other and the man left is clearly a case of bad manners and a situation unbecoming of Poland. I don't think Poland is like this. If this man is just a stupid exception, please tell me, and please warn those staying in that building and those working there, because there was a clear attempt at perversion there.

I actually have two stories to share. I will start with the most recent one. In May of 2023 a guy I had been dating for a couple of months randomly told me that he had a fantasy about being tied up by someone breaking in and then being forced to watch his girlfriend be raped. I was shocked and disgusted by him saying this as I was his girlfriend and that was not a fantasy shared. That was a paraphilia mental disorder and basically one step acting on his fantasy away from being a voyeur rapist and showed absolutely zero respect for a partner. I then had nightmares about that for the next two weeks and broke it off with him after being told he had cheated on me. The guy who told me I was being cheated on was a 61 year old acquaintance and stopped by my home at 1am a few nights later to "check on me" since I was home alone upset about my boyfriend's betrayal. He then offered me a shot of tequila because he knew I liked tequila. I accepted the one full shot glass and as soon as I went to swallow I realized that it tasted wrong - like salt water. I immediately commented on it tasting "old" and began to panic in my head because within a few minutes I was feeling intoxicated and shouldn't have felt that tipsy off of one shot so I began texting a friend of mine to come to my house right then and babysit me. I then began to have uncontrollable giggles and knew for sure that I had been drugged so I called a friend and asked him to please come to my house ASAP and please take me to the gas station because I'd been drugged and was really really high. I was saying that as an emergency SOS but the side effect to the drug had me giggling nonstop so he didn't take me seriously and then the guy who drugged me offered my friend $30 to not come to my house. I knew I was in a bad situation then so I proceeded to text my newly ex"d boyfriend and my ex ex boyfriend begging them both to please come to my house because I had been drugged and was really messed up. The guy who drugged me called someone else when I began texting my friend before I started giggling to "make sure he grabbed the right bottle". After I began giggling and he knew I was high he proceeded to tell me that there was 20 doses of GHB hidden in the tequila bottle. I then grabbed the bottle to look at it and there was about an inch and a half of fluid in the bottom of the bottom that was a very pale yellow color when the tequila should have been golden colored so I then realized I had definitely just ingested enough GHB to knock me out and I got really scared and then texted what he said about the GHB bottle to my friend in case I forgot what happened. But he told me that a guy had paid him $80 for that bottle of GHB hidden in a tequila bottle and had marked the bottle by ripping the paper off of the back of the bottle so that it looked normal on the shelf. I told him I didn't feel good and that he needed to leave and he began trying to talk me into taking another shot. I started getting hot flashes and again told him I didn't feel good and was going to bed and I walked back to my bed and then fell on the bed sideways on top of my blanket and on top of a pile of clean clothes I had been about to fold before he showed up. I could no longer walk and knew I was about to pass out so I sent a couple of texts to my ex that were not spelled correctly and started to fall unconscious. He walked back to my room and I told him to leave and he said no because he was coming back there to hang out with me. I again told him to leave and then passed out. I have a vague recollection of saying no and stop because he was moving me and I was sick to my stomach but I couldn't open my eyes or move away. The next day when I woke up I was covered from head to foot with a blanket the same way that they cover dead bodies with sheets. But I never ever cover my head or face or feet while sleeping and I fell unconscious on top of my blanket. I was also stripped naked and my shorts and knee socks had been placed on either side of my head with my shirt up around my neck. My tampon had been removed and put in a drawer labeled "shorts". My shorts had been dampened by him I guess to remove evidence. I got up, walked next door to my cousins home and had her drive me to the sheriff's office around 4pm. The lady at the front desk handed me the nonemergency number andt old me to go back home and call because there was no one there who could help me. I walked out of the sheriff's office crying and so offended. They haven't done anything so far. I've learned since then that there are other victims. But they haven't even tried to follow up or formally interview me.