Find Answers to Your Questions ~ Our Wave Community

Question 1

Why is it that some teens develop PTSD and others don't?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for asking this question. The development of PTSD after trauma depends on a complex interplay of factors unique to each teenager. Our brains during adolescence are still developing, particularly in areas that handle emotion regulation and stress response. Some teens naturally have a more sensitive stress response system due to their genetic makeup and family history of mental health conditions. This biological foundation acts as a starting point that influences how the brain processes and responds to traumatic experiences.

The nature and timing of the traumatic event also plays a crucial role. Research shows that trauma that is interpersonal (caused by other people) tends to have a stronger impact than impersonal trauma (like natural disasters). Additionally, trauma during adolescence can be particularly impactful because it occurs during a critical period of brain development and identity formation. When trauma is prolonged or repeated, it can create more significant changes in the brain's stress response system.

A teen's support system before, during, and after trauma strongly influences whether PTSD develops. Having supportive family, friends, and access to mental health resources can act as protective buffers against PTSD development. The immediate response after trauma is particularly important - receiving compassionate support, having feelings validated, and getting professional help when needed can significantly impact recovery. Conversely, teens in stressful environments with limited support may be more vulnerable to developing PTSD.

Previous trauma exposure also significantly affects PTSD development. If a teen has experienced earlier trauma, especially during childhood, their stress response system might already be more reactive. This doesn't mean they'll definitely develop PTSD, but it can make them more susceptible to its development after subsequent traumatic experiences.

Individual coping strategies and resilience factors play a vital role too. Some teens naturally develop more effective ways of processing difficult experiences, perhaps due to a combination of innate personality traits and learned skills. These might include problem-solving abilities, emotional regulation skills, and the capacity to seek help when needed. Others might use coping mechanisms that, while providing temporary relief, could actually increase the risk of PTSD development.

Cultural and societal factors also influence trauma response. Different cultures have varying ways of understanding and responding to trauma, which can affect how teens process their experiences. Access to mental health care, community support, and societal attitudes toward mental health all impact whether PTSD develops. Additionally, how a teen understands and interprets the traumatic event - particularly whether they internalize feelings of guilt or shame - can significantly influence their response.

Understanding these variations in PTSD development helps us recognize that there's no "right" or "wrong" way to respond to trauma. Each teen's reaction is shaped by their unique combination of biological, psychological, and social factors. Developing PTSD is not a sign of weakness, just as not developing it doesn't minimize the significance of the traumatic experience. What's most important is ensuring teens have access to support and understanding as they process their experiences, regardless of whether they develop PTSD. Thank you for asking this. We appreciate you seeking more understanding in this area.

Question 2

When I was 13, someone older inappropriately touched me. I'm still unsure if the touch was sexual in nature, but it left me feeling confused and angry. I kept quiet about it for a long time, though it made me sad. Will I ever stop feeling guilty about not speaking up sooner?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for sharing your intimate feelings with us. Feelings of guilt about not speaking up sooner are completely normal, but please know that keeping quiet was not wrong or your fault. Many people stay silent about uncomfortable or traumatic experiences, especially when they happen during childhood. Confusion about the nature of the touch is absolutely valid - our minds and bodies often need time to process experiences that feel violating or uncomfortable. Your courage in exploring these feelings now shows incredible strength.

There are several gentle ways to manage these feelings of guilt. For example, consider writing letters to your younger self, validating their choices and needs at the time. You could also try practicing self-compassion by speaking to yourself as you would a friend in the same situation. When guilt feels overwhelming, try grounding techniques like deep breathing or naming things you can see and touch. Remember that silence is a common trauma response - you did what you needed to do to feel safe.

Consider speaking with a trauma-informed counselor who can help you process these feelings and provide additional coping strategies tailored to your experience. They can help you understand that delayed disclosure is incredibly common and doesn't make your experience any less valid. You did what you needed to do to survive and cope, and that was exactly right for you at the time. We appreciate you reaching out. You are not alone

Question 3

I'm struggling with childhood memories of sexual play with my cousins when we were all around the same age, but there's one incident that haunts me. I was 11 and my cousin was 6. I only remember flashes and don't know how it started or ended, but I feel like a horrible human and like I should have known better. How do I cope with this guilt and confusion about what happened?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this. What you're experiencing are incredibly common responses to childhood sexual experiences, and I want you to know that your feelings are valid while also offering you a different perspective to consider. The shame you're carrying is understandable, but it may not be as justified as your mind is telling you.

When children engage in sexual behaviors with other children, it's important to understand this through the lens of normal childhood development and curiosity rather than adult frameworks of sexuality and consent. Children naturally explore their bodies and may engage in sexual play as part of normal development, especially when they've been exposed to sexual content or experiences themselves. At 11 years old, your brain was still developing the capacity for abstract thinking, impulse control, and understanding consequences. These abilities don't fully mature until the mid-twenties.

The fact that you feel such distress about this suggests that you have a moral compass and capacity for empathy, not that you're a "horrible human." Many adults carry shame about childhood sexual experiences, often blaming themselves for things they did when they had limited understanding and impulse control. The fragmented nature of your memories is also typical. Our brains don't always store childhood experiences in linear, complete narratives, especially when emotions like confusion or shame are involved.

It's worth considering that both you and your cousin may have been responding to something in your environment, perhaps exposure to sexual content, lack of appropriate supervision, or even your own experiences of boundary violations. Children who engage in sexual behaviors with other children have often been exposed to sexuality in inappropriate ways themselves. This doesn't excuse harmful behavior, but it helps explain it within a developmental context rather than a moral failing.

Moving forward, if these memories continue to cause you significant distress, speaking with a trauma-informed therapist can help you process these experiences with compassion and understanding. They can help you distinguish between age-appropriate childhood curiosity and concerning behaviors, and support you in releasing shame that may not serve you. Your feelings matter, your healing matters, and you deserve support in working through these difficult memories with kindness toward your childhood self. Thank you for reaching out to us.

Question 4

How do you disclose to a family member that something traumatic happened to you without feeling judged?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for asking this. Disclosing a personal and possibly painful experience to a family member can be a daunting task, especially when there's fear of being judged. It's important to approach this conversation in a way that feels safe and comfortable for you.

First, consider choosing a time and place where you won't be interrupted and where you feel at ease. A private, quiet setting can help reduce anxiety and create a space where both of you can focus on the conversation. It might be helpful to plan what you want to say in advance. Writing down your thoughts or even rehearsing the conversation can provide clarity and boost your confidence.

When you're ready to start the conversation, you might begin by expressing that you have something important to share. Let your family member know that it's a difficult topic for you and that you hope they can listen with understanding. For example, you could say, "There's something I've been wanting to tell you that's been hard for me to talk about. I would really appreciate it if you could listen without judgment." This sets the tone and prepares them to receive sensitive information.

As you share your experience, speak from your own perspective using "I" statements to convey your feelings. This can help prevent the conversation from feeling accusatory and keeps the focus on your emotions and needs. You don't have to go into every detail—share only what you're comfortable with. It's okay to set boundaries if certain aspects feel too overwhelming to discuss.

Remember that it's natural for your family member to have their own emotional response, which might include shock, sadness, or confusion. They may need time to process what you've shared. If they react in a way that feels judgmental or dismissive, try to remind yourself that their initial reaction doesn't invalidate your experience. You might gently address this by saying, "I understand this might be hard to hear, but it's important for me to feel supported."

If you're worried about their reaction, consider bringing along someone you trust for additional support, or perhaps writing a letter if speaking face-to-face feels too difficult. Writing allows you to express yourself fully without interruption and gives the reader time to absorb your words.

Above all, prioritize your well-being throughout this process. It's a brave step to share something personal, and taking care of yourself is essential. After the conversation, allow yourself time to decompress and seek support from trusted friends or support groups if needed.

Remember, you have the right to share your story when and how you choose. Seeking understanding is a sign of strength, and reaching out can be a significant step toward healing. Thank you for asking this. You are not alone.

Question 5

I feel like it's too late for healing, and that I should have opened up about my trauma before. How do you shift from that mindset?

Accepted Answer

This is a really tough place to be in and we appreciate you reaching out and trusting us with these feelings. That weight of feeling "too late" for healing is something many survivors struggle with. Please know you're not alone in this experience. It's never too late to begin this journey, even though I completely understand why it might feel that way.

I want to start by acknowledging the immense strength it takes to even consider healing and to voice these feelings. The fact that you're questioning this shows that a part of you is reaching toward growth, even if another part feels uncertain. Both of these parts deserve to be heard and honored.

Let me share some approaches that other survivors have found helpful in shifting this mindset. Please take what resonates and leave what doesn't...healing is extremely personal.

When those thoughts about it being "too late" arise, try to pause and speak to yourself with the same kindness you'd offer a dear friend who just trusted you with their story. What would you say to them? Would you tell them it's too late for their healing? This sort of "inner child work" is a great way to take steps towards being more compassionate and understanding towards ourselves.

Some survivors find it helpful to have physical reminders of this. For example, placing a hand on their heart and saying: "My pain knows no timeline. My healing belongs to me, and I can begin exactly where I am." While this might feel unfamiliar at first, these small gestures of self-compassion can slowly help reshape our internal dialogue. You might even place gentle reminders around your space - perhaps sticky notes with messages like "I deserve care at any age" or "My healing journey is my own."

Consider starting with just today. Rather than viewing healing as one overwhelming journey, ask yourself: "What's one tiny thing I could do today to show care to myself?" Maybe it's taking three deep breaths, drinking a glass of water mindfully, or feeling the sun on your face for a moment.

Finally, if it feels accessible, try building what some survivors call a 'proof collection' - small pieces of evidence that change is possible at any time. These might be stories of others who began their healing journey later in life, or tiny shifts you've noticed in yourself. You might even find it helpful to keep a small notebook for moments when you feel even slightly more connected to yourself or hopeful. These don't need to be big moments - perhaps just noticing the warmth of your morning coffee, or feeling soothed by the sound of rain.

Please know that every time you question these limiting thoughts, every time you reach out as you've done here, every time you consider the possibility of healing - these are already steps on your journey. You've already begun. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone.

Question 6

Why do teenagers often stay silent about traumatic experiences? When something bad happens during adolescence, what makes it so difficult to speak up and tell someone?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us and asking this important question about why it's so hard for teenagers to speak up about traumatic experiences. The silence that often surrounds teenage trauma is complex and happens for many understandable reasons.

During adolescence, we're in a unique developmental stage where we're trying to figure out who we are while being extremely aware of how others perceive us. This heightened self-consciousness can make us feel like any negative experience might change how people see us or treat us differently. We often worry about being judged, not believed, or being seen as somehow responsible for what happened.

This silence can be especially powerful around experiences involving sex or sexuality, which often feel taboo or shameful to discuss during adolescence. Many teenagers grow up in environments where these topics aren't openly discussed, making it even harder to bring up experiences that involve sexual content or violation. There might be fear about being perceived as "damaged" or worry that adults won't understand the sexual aspects of the experience.

Teenagers also exist in this complicated space between childhood and adulthood. You're becoming more independent but still depend on adults for many things. This can create fear about how adults might react - whether they'll take over completely, dismiss your experience, or implement changes that make you feel like you've lost even more control over your life. Sometimes, there's also worry about burdening others or causing problems within your family or social circle.

The teenage brain processes emotions intensely while still developing the ability to understand and express complex experiences. This can make it feel overwhelming to try to put traumatic experiences into words. You might worry that you don't have the right language to explain what happened, or that you won't be able to convey how significant the experience feels to you.

There's often confusion about whether what happened was "bad enough" to tell someone about. Teenagers frequently minimize their experiences, thinking "maybe I'm overreacting" or "others have it worse." This self-doubt can be particularly strong if the experience falls into a grey area or if you're unsure how others might define what happened.

Shame and self-blame are also powerful silencers. Even when the traumatic experience wasn't your fault at all, it's common to feel like you should have done something differently or that you somehow brought it on yourself. These feelings can make you want to hide what happened rather than risk someone confirming these fears.

Understanding these barriers to disclosure can help us create better ways to support teenagers in speaking up about traumatic experiences. It's important to know that your hesitation to talk about difficult experiences is a normal response, not a personal failure. Whether you choose to talk about your experiences now or later, your feelings and reactions are valid. Thank you so much for asking this. We are here for you.

Question 7

How do you cope with feeling that life is unfair, especially after trauma? I've started therapy but don't feel understood. How can I deal with these feelings of injustice while trying to heal?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us with your feelings and frustrations. The sense of injustice after trauma can feel overwhelming, and it's particularly hard when the very support system meant to help you heal doesn't feel like the right fit.

Feeling that life is unfair after trauma is a natural and valid response. You've experienced something that shouldn't have happened, and there's a profound unfairness in having to carry the weight of someone else's actions. It's okay to feel angry, hurt, or frustrated about this. These feelings aren't a failure of healing - they're a normal reaction to an abnormal situation.

The challenge of feeling misunderstood in therapy adds another layer of difficulty. When we finally take the step to seek help, it can feel especially discouraging when that help doesn't resonate with our experience. Consider communicating openly with your therapist about feeling misunderstood - they can't address concerns they don't know about. However, if after sharing these feelings you still don't feel understood, it's okay to seek a different therapist who specializes in trauma and better fits your needs.

While we can't change the unfairness of what happened, there are ways to move forward while honoring these feelings. Many survivors find healing in channeling their sense of injustice into meaningful activities, whether through creative expression, advocacy, or helping others. Engaging in activities that bring you joy, practicing mindfulness, or connecting with supportive people can help balance these difficult emotions. Writing in a journal can help process thoughts and identify patterns or triggers, helping you understand the root of these feelings of unfairness.

Remember to practice self-compassion during this process. Set realistic expectations for healing and acknowledge even small steps forward. Focus on what you can control while recognizing that it's okay to feel angry about what you can't. Consider exploring relaxation techniques like meditation or deep breathing exercises to help manage overwhelming emotions when they arise.

Wrestling with the unfairness of trauma while trying to heal isn't a contradiction - it's part of the process. You don't have to pretend everything is okay or that you've made peace with what happened. Healing can happen alongside feelings of anger and injustice. Your feelings about life's unfairness are valid, and you deserve support that truly understands and validates your experience. Don't give up on finding the right help for you, and remember that seeking support shows remarkable strength and courage.

Remember that even when life feels deeply unfair, you can still find moments of peace and joy without invalidating your experience of injustice. Your resilience in facing these challenges while continuing to seek understanding and support shows incredible strength. Stick with it and know that healing is possible. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone.

Question 8

How do you navigate the feeling that you'll never get past your trauma?? Feeling frustrated because of it.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us. I hear how heavy and frustrating this feels for you right now. You are not alone. Living with trauma can sometimes feel like carrying a weight that just won't lift, and it's completely understandable to feel discouraged and frustrated when it seems like it's affecting everything in your life.

You know those moments when it feels like everyone else is moving forward while you're still working through this? That's such a lonely feeling, and I want you to know you're not alone in experiencing this. Many survivors, including myself, have felt that same fear that the impact of trauma will always be there, always affecting our choices and relationships.

When you're in that place of feeling like you'll never move past this, try to be gentle with yourself. Think about it - your brain and body developed these responses to help you survive. They're not character flaws or signs that you're broken - they're proof of your strength and resilience, even though they might not feel that way right now.

Something that might help when these feelings get really intense is reminding yourself: "I'm not starting over, I'm starting from experience." Every time you work through a hard day, every time you reach out (like you're doing right now), every time you choose to keep going despite feeling frustrated - that's not just surviving, that's actively healing.

Have you noticed any tiny moments, even just seconds, where you've felt different? Maybe a morning where you woke up feeling a bit more like yourself, or a moment where you caught yourself feeling joy unexpectedly? Those moments matter. They're like little windows showing us that change is possible, even when it feels impossibly slow.

You're allowed to feel frustrated with this process. You're allowed to wish it was moving faster. And you're also allowed to celebrate the small steps, even if they feel insignificant compared to where you want to be.

While I wish I had all the answers, what I do want you to feel after reading this post is just some hope that healing is possible. And that you are not alone. While your trauma may always play a role in your life, over time, its influence will feel less and less as you discover more about what makes you who you are.

Thank you for trusting us with this. We are here for you.

Question 9

Why do I keep questioning whether what happened was abuse? Sometimes it feels clear it was inappropriate touching, but other times I doubt my experience and find myself uncertain. Is this a common response for survivors?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting us with these complex and painful feelings. I know firsthand how exhausting and confusing it can be to question whether what happened to you was abuse. Your question touches on something many survivors experience, and these feelings of doubt are completely normal responses to trauma, even though they can feel overwhelming and isolating.

When we experience inappropriate touching or abuse, it often brings up a tangled web of emotions - confusion, fear, guilt, shame, and doubt can all exist at once. These intense feelings can make it really hard to process what happened or put clear labels on our experience. If the person involved was someone you knew or trusted, which is often the case, it becomes even more complicated. It's natural to hesitate in seeing their actions as harmful - acknowledging that someone close to us could cause harm challenges our whole understanding of that relationship and can be incredibly painful.

Society's mixed messages about boundaries and consent can add another layer of confusion. We might question whether our experience "counts" if it doesn't match what we typically hear about. You might catch yourself thinking "maybe I'm overreacting" or "it wasn't that bad." While this self-doubt is a common protective response, it can make it harder to trust your own instincts and feelings. Trust your gut.

One important other thing to share is how trauma affects our memory and ability to process events. Having gaps in your memory or struggling to piece together exactly what happened isn't unusual - it's actually your brain's way of trying to protect you, even though it can add to your confusion.

Please know, if an interaction left you feeling uneasy or unsafe, that alone is significant and valid. Your comfort and well-being matter. You have the right to trust your feelings and set boundaries, regardless of the situation or anyone else's intentions. Your experience is real, and your feelings about it are valid, even if you're still making sense of what happened. Thank you so much again for trusting us with this.

Question 10

Can I 'retraumatize' myself by constantly thinking about a traumatic event from my teenage years? I keep analyzing what I did or didn't do at the time. I kept it secret due to shame and guilt, and though it might not seem as 'severe' as other experiences, I wonder if my constant rumination could be harmful. Can overthinking make the trauma worse?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out and asking this important question about trauma processing. The concern about making things worse through rumination is something many survivors struggle with, and it's valid to want to understand how our thoughts might affect our healing.

When we repeatedly revisit a traumatic event in our minds, especially with feelings of shame or guilt, it can reinforce the negative emotions associated with that experience. It's like picking at a wound that hasn't fully healed - the constant attention can slow down recovery and keep the pain fresh. While it's possible for intense rumination to be distressing, analyzing what happened isn't the same as retraumatization. Retraumatization typically occurs through experiences that mirror the original trauma, not through thinking about it. However, constant analysis of the event without support or coping tools can be overwhelming and increase anxiety or distress.

The fact that you kept this experience secret during your teenage years due to shame and guilt is very common. Teenagers often struggle with sharing traumatic experiences because they're still developing their understanding of what happened, fear judgment, or worry about others' reactions. This secrecy doesn't make your experience any less valid or significant.

It's important to address your comment about your trauma not being "as severe as others." Trauma isn't a competition, and comparing our experiences to others often minimizes our own valid feelings and needs. What might seem "not as bad" to one person can still have a significant impact on another. Your experience and its impact on you are real, regardless of how it might compare to other situations.

When we find ourselves frequently analyzing past trauma, it often signals that our mind is trying to process and make sense of what happened. This is a natural part of healing, but it can become overwhelming without proper support. Working with a trauma-informed therapist can help you process these memories in a structured way, while learning grounding techniques can help manage overwhelming thoughts. Understanding that questioning past actions is normal, even though it can't change what happened, can help reduce self-judgment about these thoughts.

Consider giving yourself permission to feel what you're feeling without judgment. Remember that healing isn't about never thinking about the trauma - it's about finding safe ways to process it that help you move forward. Your desire to understand how to handle these memories shows awareness and a commitment to healing. There are ways to work through trauma that don't involve either constant rumination or complete avoidance. With support, you can find a balance that works for you.

You're not alone in this experience, and reaching out shows courage and self-awareness. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate this healing process, and remember that it's okay to seek help when you need it. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone.

Question 11

Why can molestation have such a significant impact during adolescence, even if it only happened once? I'd like to understand more about the effects of single-incident trauma during the teenage years.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out with this important question. Molestation can have a profound impact on a teenager, even if it occurs only once, due to several interconnected reasons related to the developmental stage of adolescence and the nature of traumatic experiences.

Teenage years are a critical period of growth and development, both physically and emotionally. Adolescents are forming their identities, establishing personal boundaries, and learning to navigate complex social and interpersonal relationships. A violation like molestation can disrupt this natural development, causing confusion and uncertainty about personal safety, trust, and self-worth.

Molestation is a profound breach of personal boundaries and can shatter a teenager's sense of safety and trust in others. Even a one-time incident can make them question whether they can rely on the people around them, leading to feelings of isolation and vulnerability. This breach of trust can extend to relationships beyond the perpetrator, affecting friendships and family connections. Societal attitudes towards molestation and sexual abuse can also affect how a teenager perceives and processes the event. Victim-blaming, stigma, or misunderstandings about consent can add layers of confusion and distress.

Traumatic events don't have to be repeated to leave a lasting imprint. A single incident of molestation can trigger intense emotions such as fear, shame, guilt, anger, and confusion. Teenagers may internalize these feelings, believing they are somehow to blame or that something is wrong with them. They might also believe that they are unworthy, unsafe, or powerless, which can influence their behavior and choices moving forward. This can contribute to long-term issues like depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and post-traumatic stress.

Adolescents are still developing the cognitive and emotional tools needed to process complex experiences. They may struggle to articulate what happened or how they're feeling, making it difficult to seek help or support. Without proper guidance, they might resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms like substance abuse, self-harm, or withdrawal from social activities.

Traumatic events can also alter brain development, particularly in areas related to stress response and emotional regulation. The body's "fight, flight, or freeze" response may become overactive, leading to hypervigilance or heightened anxiety. These physiological changes can persist long after the event, affecting overall mental health.

Addressing the impact of molestation promptly can make a significant difference in a teenager's healing process. Professional support from counselors or therapists specialized in trauma can help them understand their feelings, develop healthy coping strategies, and rebuild a sense of safety and trust.

Even a one-time incident of molestation can be deeply impactful for a teenager due to the violation of personal boundaries during a critical developmental stage. The emotional, psychological, and physiological effects can be far-reaching, influencing various aspects of their life. But healing is possible.

If you or someone you know has experienced molestation, reaching out to a trusted adult or mental health professional can be a crucial first step towards recovery. You are not alone and help is available. Thank you for asking us this. We appreciate it.

Question 12

Why didn't my parents recognize my trauma? There were clear signs - my behavior changed suddenly, and they tried to talk to me but I couldn't tell them what happened. I wish they had pushed harder for therapy or found ways to help me open up.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing this painful question about parents missing signs of trauma. It's a complex situation that deserves careful exploration, as it touches on both the limitations parents may face and the very real hurt their children experience when trauma goes unrecognized.

When trauma occurs, children often show their distress through behavioral changes rather than words, especially if they're struggling to understand or express what happened. Parents might interpret sudden changes in behavior as part of normal development or typical adolescent challenges, attributing them to school stress or social issues rather than considering the possibility of trauma. This is particularly true when children haven't been able to directly communicate what happened to them.

The communication barriers between parents and children during trauma are especially challenging. Children often experience complex feelings of fear, shame, or confusion that make it difficult to open up about traumatic experiences. When children can't find the words to explain what happened, they might send mixed signals - both wanting help and pulling away from it. Parents might interpret this resistance to talking as a sign that the problem isn't severe, or they might feel helpless about how to break through that barrier without causing more distress.

Parents may also struggle with their own emotional responses to signs of their child's distress. Our brains often protect us from seeing things that are too painful to acknowledge, and parents might unconsciously minimize or normalize concerning behaviors because the alternative - that their child has experienced trauma - is too frightening to consider. Some parents might believe that giving space is the right approach, not realizing that their child needs them to be more persistent in offering support.

Your wish that they had insisted more on therapy reflects a deep understanding of what you needed at that time, even if you couldn't express it clearly then. Many survivors look back and see these missed opportunities for earlier intervention with pain and longing. Your insight about needing more help shows remarkable self-awareness and understanding of how professional support could have made a difference in your healing journey.

The relationship between trauma and parent-child communication is particularly challenging because trauma itself can make it harder to reach out for help. When children experience trauma, they often develop protective responses that include withdrawal, silence, or sending conflicting signals about needing support. Parents who aren't trained in trauma responses might not understand that a child's resistance to talking could actually be a sign of needing more support, not less.

If you feel comfortable, it might be helpful to share these feelings with your parents now. Understanding how their support could have made a difference might help them better respond to your needs in the present. However, this is entirely your choice, and it's also okay to focus on getting the support you need now through other trusted people or professionals.

Recognizing these missed opportunities now, while painful, is also a sign of your growing understanding of your own needs and experiences. This insight can be valuable for your healing journey, even if it comes with difficult feelings about the past. You deserve support in processing both the original trauma and the impact of having to navigate it without the full recognition and help you needed. Thank you for reaching out to us with this. We appreciate your trust.

Question 13

When I was 8 years old and my brother was around 4, we engaged in inappropriate physical contact during play. I had previously experienced sexual abuse from another young family member, and I'm now concerned that I may have perpetuated harmful behavior. I've never discussed this with my brother, but I carry guilt about these interactions. I need help understanding these childhood events and whether I was acting out learned behavior from my own abuse.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out and sharing this deeply personal experience. It takes courage to reflect on your past and seek understanding about something that's weighing on you, especially when you fear you have caused harm to others.

When children engage in sexual behaviors with other children, it can be a complex issue influenced by various factors, including natural curiosity, exposure to sexual content, or as in your case, prior experiences of abuse. At the age of eight, you were still very much a child yourself, trying to make sense of the world around you with the limited understanding that comes with that age. This is a documented response to trauma, not a sign of predatory behavior.

Experiencing abuse from someone older might have introduced behaviors and concepts that you weren't developmentally ready to process. It's not uncommon for children who have been exposed to sexual acts to reenact them with others, not fully grasping the implications or the appropriateness of these actions. This doesn't make you a bad person; it means you were a child trying to navigate complex feelings and experiences without the necessary guidance or support.

Your concern about possibly having hurt your brother shows a deep sense of empathy and responsibility, which are important qualities. It's understandable to worry about the impact this might have had on him. However, it's important not to carry the burden of adult interpretations for actions you took as a traumatized child. At 8 years old, you were not capable of the kind of intentional abuse that an adult or even teenager would be.

That said, your feelings of guilt and concern are valid and understandable. These are complex emotions that deserve professional support to process. A therapist who specializes in childhood trauma could help you:

Process your own experience of abuse
Understand the context of your childhood behaviors
Work through feelings of guilt
Develop strategies for managing these memories
Consider whether and how to address this with your brother, if you choose to

Remember that seeking understanding doesn't mean excusing the behavior, but rather placing it in the context of your own trauma and developmental stage. You were a child who needed help and protection yourself. Be gentle with your younger self as you work through this. You're not alone, and reaching out is a significant first step. Thank you so much for reaching out to us.

Question 14

During a waxing appointment when I was 13, the technician inappropriately touched my breast area. Though my mom was nearby, I stayed quiet despite feeling uncomfortable. Now years later, I question whether this was 'traumatic enough' to be upset about, and struggle with why I didn't speak up at the time. When I tried discussing this with a therapist, I felt they didn't validate how traumatic this experience was for me. Can you help me understand these feelings?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing this with us. Your feelings of uncertainty and questioning are very common reactions to boundary violations, especially ones that occurred during adolescence.

First, let's address your question about whether this was "traumatic enough." There's no minimum threshold for what makes an experience traumatic or worthy of causing distress. What matters is how it impacted you. The fact that this memory has stayed with you and continues to cause discomfort years later indicates that it was significant to you, and that significance is valid.

The situation involved several concerning elements: you were very young (13), in a vulnerable position (receiving a medical/cosmetic service), and the touch was inappropriate and unexpected. Professional service providers have strict boundaries they must maintain, especially with minors. Your discomfort was a natural and appropriate response to this boundary violation.

Your reaction of staying quiet, even though your mother was nearby, is also completely normal and understandable. Many people, especially young people, experience what's called a "freeze" response when boundaries are violated. This can happen for many reasons: shock, confusion, fear of making a scene, uncertainty about whether the touch was intentional, or worry about not being believed. This response doesn't mean you "let it happen" or that it was your fault - it was your body's automatic protective response to an unexpected situation.

The fact that a therapist didn't seem to understand the impact of this experience might have reinforced feelings of doubt about its significance. Unfortunately, some professionals may not fully appreciate how violations of trust during adolescence, even ones that might seem "minor" to others, can have lasting effects on our sense of safety and trust. Their response reflects their limitations, not the validity of your experience.

Your ongoing feelings about this incident might be particularly complex because it occurred in what should have been a safe, professional environment, with a parent nearby. Such experiences can create confusion about trust, safety, and speaking up, which can have ripple effects into other areas of life.

Remember-- The impact of an experience isn't measured by how it compares to other traumas, but by how it affected you. Your feelings matter, and you deserve support in processing them. Please continue to seek help if they are impacting you. Thank you for reaching out to us.

Question 15

Does it count as sexual assault if I stopped the encounter halfway through?

Accepted Answer

Thanks for reaching out to us. Without knowing the specific context of your situation--whether you initially consented and then changed your mind, were coerced from the beginning, or experienced something else entirely-- it's difficult to provide a definitive answer about your particular experience. However, I can share some general information about consent and sexual assault that may help you understand your situation better.

Sexual assault occurs when any sexual activity happens without ongoing, enthusiastic consent. Consent is not a one-time agreement. It's an ongoing process that can be withdrawn at any point during an encounter. If you indicated you wanted to stop an encounter and the other person continued or pressured you despite that indication, your boundaries were violated. This violation can constitute sexual assault, regardless of what happened before you decided to stop.

It's completely understandable that you might question whether your experience "counts" as sexual assault. Many survivors grapple with these doubts, especially when the situation doesn't match what they might have expected assault to look like. Feeling uncertain or questioning yourself is extremely common, and these feelings don't reflect the reality of what you experienced. Sexual assault exists on a spectrum, and every violation of your consent matters, regardless of duration or the specific circumstances.

Your body and your boundaries belong to you alone. When someone continues sexual activity after you've indicated you want to stop, whether through words, actions, or body language, they are disrespecting your autonomy. Your decision to stop, regardless of when it occurred or what led up to that moment, was your right and should have been immediately respected.

You deserve support and understanding. What happened was not your fault. If you find that these thoughts continue to trouble you or would like individual support, consider reaching out to someone you trust, whether that's a friend, an advocate at a local resource center, or a professional who is trained to help survivors. Organizations like RAINN (1-800-656-HOPE) offer confidential support and can connect you with local resources. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 16

When I was around 13, my mother would ask me to massage her back, legs, and bottom area while she was unclothed on her bed. She would use a plastic tool with soap. I'm wondering if this was appropriate behavior from a parent, especially since I feel like if a father asked this of a daughter, it would be seen as inappropriate.

Accepted Answer

Thanks for reaching out to us. It sounds like this memory is creating a lot of discomfort and uncertainty for you, and that's completely understandable. Your instincts about this situation are absolutely valid, and I want to acknowledge how much courage it takes to ask this question. What you've described crosses important boundaries that should exist between parents and children. Being expected to massage a parent's body in an area that normally would be private can violate important boundaries between a child and an adult.

Although every family has different routines around touch, it is widely recognized that asking a child of your age to massage a parent's bare buttocks and legs crosses the line of what is generally considered acceptable caregiving or affection between a parent and child. You're right to recognize that this behavior was inappropriate. It involved unnecessary nudity and physical contact that placed you in an uncomfortable position as a child. It doesn't necessarily matter who is in the role of parent, mother or father, if the situation leaves you feeling that your boundaries were overlooked or that you were placed in an inappropriate position.

Healthy parent-child relationships maintain appropriate physical boundaries, especially as children enter adolescence. Parents should not put their children in situations that involve intimate physical contact or nudity, regardless of how it might be framed or justified. Children deserve to feel safe and respected, and that includes being able to say "no" to touch that feels uncomfortable. Being put in a position where it doesn't feel possible to say no suggests a breach of that safety.

It's normal to question this behavior, especially as an adult looking back, and to feel unsettled that it happened. If you're feeling lingering unease or confusion about these experiences, that in itself is significant and worth acknowledging. It's common for survivors of boundary violations to question their own perceptions, especially when the inappropriate behavior came from someone who was supposed to protect them. Your feelings about this experience, whatever they may be, are completely valid.

What you experienced was not your fault, and you deserved to have your boundaries respected. If these memories continue to weigh on you, it might help to talk about them with someone you trust or with a professional who understands childhood and family boundary issues. Organizations like RAINN (1-800-656-HOPE) offer confidential support and can help connect you with local resources. You deserve support and clarity in coming to terms with any experiences that may have been confusing, distressing, or that simply never sat right with you. Your wellbeing matters, and there are people who understand and want to help.

Question 17

When I was a child (8), an older family member (13) wanted to play 'boyfriend and girlfriend' in the bathtub. During this 'game,' they kissed me and touched me while I was undressed and they remained clothed. At the time, I thought it was just playing, but now looking back I realize how inappropriate that was. I don't know if this was COCSA and it's driving me crazy trying to figure it out.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing your experience and for the courage it takes to reach out about something that's been weighing on your mind. It makes sense to look back on this moment with confusion, especially now that you understand more about healthy boundaries and how children relate to each other. It's completely understandable that you're trying to make sense of what happened, especially when childhood experiences can feel confusing to process as an adult.

What you're describing could fall under Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse (COCSA), but only you can label your experience. Children at ages eight and thirteen are at very different stages of development. That five-year gap represents substantial differences in physical development, understanding of sexuality, and social power during childhood. In situations where an older child directs sexual play toward a younger child, it can cross into harmful territory even if it feels like a game at the time. That difference in maturity can create a power imbalance, which can be a key factor in what professionals call COCSA. The fact that you were undressed while they remained clothed, combined with the kissing and touching, suggests behavior that went beyond typical childhood play.

It's important to remember that your family member was also a child at thirteen, likely navigating their own confusion about sexuality and boundaries. At that age, children are still developing their understanding of appropriate behavior and may not fully grasp the impact of their actions on younger children. This doesn't excuse what happened or minimize your experience, but it can help provide context for understanding that children who engage in inappropriate sexual behavior are often acting from their own lack of understanding, exposure to inappropriate content, or even their own experiences of boundary violations.

This experience does not mean there was anything wrong with you at the time. You were only eight, and children often go along with what an older kid suggests because they don't have the same understanding of boundaries that an older child might have. The confusion you're experiencing about whether this "counts" is something many survivors of childhood sexual experiences struggle with. When we're children, we don't have the framework to understand when something crosses appropriate boundaries, especially when it's presented as a game by someone we trust. Your brain naturally tried to make sense of the situation in the only way it could at the time --as play. This doesn't mean what happened was okay, and it doesn't diminish the impact it may have had on you.

Looking back and feeling that it was odd or unsettling is a normal response once you're old enough to recognize these differences. The fact that you're reflecting on this experience now and questioning it shows your adult understanding recognizing that something wasn't right. You're not alone in questioning or analyzing childhood memories as you grow older. If the memory is causing you distress or if you're questioning it continually, it might help to speak with someone who understands these situations—perhaps a counselor, support line, or anyone trained in working through childhood boundary violations.

You deserve validation concerning your discomfort, and it's okay to name what happened in the way that feels right to you, whether or not you decide to call it COCSA. The most important thing is recognizing that you were a child who didn't ask for or truly understand what was happening. Your feelings now do not change that you did nothing wrong and did not cause what happened. Whatever you decide to call this experience, your feelings about it are valid, and seeking support to work through these memories can be incredibly helpful. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, seeking gentle, knowledgeable support might bring clarity and help you feel more at ease with this part of your past. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 18

I see some stories on the Our Wave platform have updates.  How do I add an update to my story besides posting in the comments?

Accepted Answer

Hello! Thank you for asking this question. If you would like to add an update to your story, go to https://community.ourwave.org/find-story and enter your email connected to your story to get a secure update link. Once you have that link, you will be able to update your story. Please reach out to hello@ourwave.org if you have any additional questions related to this!

Question 19

Throughout my life, I've had experiences with older people when I was younger - one when I was around 10-12 and another at 16-17. While these felt like romantic relationships at the time, they sometimes involved requests for photos and videos. I know there are more severe cases, but there are things I don't understand about my own reactions. I experience impulses that make my body react - sometimes imagining scenarios involving those adults and my younger self, or my adult self with my child self. When I doubt these experiences, I get caught in cycles that are difficult to break. This includes searching for content that resembles what happened or trying to recreate it through fictional characters. I don't understand why this compulsive pattern happens, especially since what occurred doesn't seem that serious to me. Can things that "just happen" really be that impactful?

Accepted Answer

I'm so sorry you've been carrying such confusion about all of this. When someone who's older enters a relationship with a child or teen in a way that involves sexual or romantic behavior, it's understandable to feel torn about how serious or "bad" it was, especially if it didn't fit the kind of extreme abuse stories you've heard elsewhere. Yes, experiences that might seem "minor" or that "just happened" can absolutely have significant and lasting impacts. What you're describing, relationships with significant age gaps during childhood and adolescence, involved adults who held inherent power over you due to your developmental stage, regardless of how the relationships felt at the time.

The thing is, grooming doesn't always show itself through obvious commands or violence. Many times, it comes in the form of slow boundary pushing, where an adult establishes trust, affection, or special attention, then gradually introduces requests like photos or videos. Children and teens often don't realize what's happening until years later, and even then, it can feel confusing to label it as "wrong." The requests for photos and videos you mentioned were inappropriate regardless of the context of the relationship.

Those ongoing impulses, where you find yourself searching out content or creating fantasies, may be your body and mind trying to understand something overwhelming that never made full sense at the time. The intrusive thoughts and compulsive behaviors you're experiencing are common trauma responses. When we experience confusing or overwhelming situations, especially during formative years, our minds sometimes try to process these experiences by replaying them, seeking similar content, or attempting to understand them through various means. Our brains have a way of replaying or even sexualizing old wounds in an attempt to gain some kind of control or closure. There's nothing unusual in feeling both drawn to these reenactments and unsettled by them.

The cycle you describe, doubting your experiences, then having intrusive thoughts, then seeking content or recreating scenarios, is a pattern many survivors recognize. Trauma can blur the border between wanting to avoid painful memories and feeling compelled to revisit them. It doesn't mean you wanted what happened...only that your mind is wrestling with the emotional impact of those earlier experiences. These compulsions often arise when our minds are trying to resolve the confusion between what we felt, what we were told, and what we now understand about those experiences.

Even if you think "it wasn't that bad," the confusion and distress you're feeling now show that the age difference and the shifting power dynamics did matter. Minimizing these experiences is very common. Many survivors find themselves thinking "it wasn't that bad" or comparing their experiences to others they perceive as "worse." This minimization can actually be a protective mechanism, but it can also prevent us from acknowledging the real impact these experiences had on our development and current well-being. Grooming can leave emotional marks that might only surface when you're older.

You didn't invite these adults to manipulate or pressure you. Even subtle pressure carries weight when you're still forming an understanding of trust and personal boundaries. It's the nature of grooming to leave you uncertain about whether you really consented, and later it can bring up deeply conflicting emotions about sexuality and self-worth. The bodily reactions you're experiencing aren't something to feel ashamed about. Trauma can create complex neural pathways that connect memories, physical sensations, and emotional responses in ways that feel confusing or disturbing.

You deserve support as you sort through these thoughts, because they are valid and important. Speaking with a professional who understands childhood sexual trauma can help you make sense of the impulses and cyclical searching, and develop healthier coping strategies. You are not alone in these experiences, and there are people out there who care and want to help. Healing doesn't mean you have to recall every detail or fully "solve" this right away. It often involves learning to be kind with yourself, accepting that the confusion is a natural response, and gradually finding healthier ways to process what happened. It's not your fault, no matter how much you've doubted yourself. You deserve peace of mind and, when you're ready, there are caring professionals and resources that can walk with you on this path toward understanding.

Question 20

I went to a bar with a friend and we both drank heavily. Towards the end of the night, the sober waiter kissed me without my clear consent, then told me to wait until his shift ended so we could leave together. My friend encouraged the kiss and gave him my number without asking me. I didn't want to kiss him or wait for him. I felt guilty and sick the next day when he called. This happened 9 years ago but still makes me uncomfortable. Was this sexual assault or just inappropriate behavior?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting us with this experience. It sounds like you're still wrestling with complicated feelings about that night, which is completely normal. When alcohol is involved and you feel pressure, whether from a friend or from the person who kissed you, figuring out whether true consent was present can be confusing. Consent should always be mutual, informed, and absent of any pressure or impairment. If you were uncomfortable with him kissing you and didn't clearly want it, that's an important part of your own sense of what happened. Even if your friend encouraged you, you still had the right to decline. No one else can decide for you what you should or shouldn't do with your body.

What you experienced represents a significant boundary violation that involved multiple concerning elements. A sober person in a position of service taking advantage of someone who had been drinking heavily creates a power imbalance that makes true consent nearly impossible. The waiter's behavior showed a troubling disregard for your ability to make informed decisions in your intoxicated state, and the pressure you felt from multiple directions created a situation where your true wishes weren't respected or prioritized.

It's not unusual for unsettling thoughts about a past experience to linger, especially if you felt your boundaries may have been overlooked or if you felt out of control of the situation. Whether you label it as sexual assault or consider it an instance of someone pushing past what you were truly okay with, your discomfort is valid and significant. Your body and mind are giving you important information through these lasting feelings of discomfort nine years later. Trauma responses don't follow neat timelines or definitions. They respond to violations of safety, autonomy, and consent.

After all these years, it's understandable that you still feel uneasy. The feelings of guilt you experienced are unfortunately common but entirely misplaced. You did nothing wrong. The responsibility lies with the person who chose to pursue someone who was clearly intoxicated and unable to give informed consent. You might find it helpful to talk through these feelings with someone you trust, like a counselor or a close confidant, and to remind yourself that it wasn't your fault for wanting to keep your boundaries. Whatever language you choose to describe that night, your discomfort matters and you deserve support as you come to terms with how it affected you. Thank you for reaching out to us.

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Topics

Why is it that some teens develop PTSD and others don't?

When I was 13, someone older inappropriately touched me. I'm still unsure if the touch was sexual in nature, but it left me feeling confused and angry. I kept quiet about it for a long time, though it made me sad. Will I ever stop feeling guilty about not speaking up sooner?

How do you disclose to a family member that something traumatic happened to you without feeling judged?

I feel like it's too late for healing, and that I should have opened up about my trauma before. How do you shift from that mindset?

Why do teenagers often stay silent about traumatic experiences? When something bad happens during adolescence, what makes it so difficult to speak up and tell someone?

How do you cope with feeling that life is unfair, especially after trauma? I've started therapy but don't feel understood. How can I deal with these feelings of injustice while trying to heal?

How do you navigate the feeling that you'll never get past your trauma?? Feeling frustrated because of it.

Why do I keep questioning whether what happened was abuse? Sometimes it feels clear it was inappropriate touching, but other times I doubt my experience and find myself uncertain. Is this a common response for survivors?

Why can molestation have such a significant impact during adolescence, even if it only happened once? I'd like to understand more about the effects of single-incident trauma during the teenage years.

Why didn't my parents recognize my trauma? There were clear signs - my behavior changed suddenly, and they tried to talk to me but I couldn't tell them what happened. I wish they had pushed harder for therapy or found ways to help me open up.

Does it count as sexual assault if I stopped the encounter halfway through?

I see some stories on the Our Wave platform have updates. How do I add an update to my story besides posting in the comments?

Why is it that some teens develop PTSD and others don't?

How do you disclose to a family member that something traumatic happened to you without feeling judged?

How do you cope with feeling that life is unfair, especially after trauma? I've started therapy but don't feel understood. How can I deal with these feelings of injustice while trying to heal?

When I was 13, someone older inappropriately touched me. I'm still unsure if the touch was sexual in nature, but it left me feeling confused and angry. I kept quiet about it for a long time, though it made me sad. Will I ever stop feeling guilty about not speaking up sooner?

I feel like it's too late for healing, and that I should have opened up about my trauma before. How do you shift from that mindset?

How do you navigate the feeling that you'll never get past your trauma?? Feeling frustrated because of it.

Why can molestation have such a significant impact during adolescence, even if it only happened once? I'd like to understand more about the effects of single-incident trauma during the teenage years.

Why do teenagers often stay silent about traumatic experiences? When something bad happens during adolescence, what makes it so difficult to speak up and tell someone?

Why do I keep questioning whether what happened was abuse? Sometimes it feels clear it was inappropriate touching, but other times I doubt my experience and find myself uncertain. Is this a common response for survivors?

Why didn't my parents recognize my trauma? There were clear signs - my behavior changed suddenly, and they tried to talk to me but I couldn't tell them what happened. I wish they had pushed harder for therapy or found ways to help me open up.

Does it count as sexual assault if I stopped the encounter halfway through?

I see some stories on the Our Wave platform have updates. How do I add an update to my story besides posting in the comments?

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