Find Answers to Your Questions ~ Our Wave Community

Question 1

As a child from ages 5-10, I was regularly sexually assaulted by my older cousin who was about 7+ years older. I never told anyone. Years later, I remembered instances where I showed my private parts to my younger siblings. They expressed discomfort and I respected their boundaries, though my cousin never respected mine. Nothing physical happened with my siblings, but I feel immense guilt. I worry what I did was sexual assault, though I hope I'm wrong. I don't want to be a bad person. I love my siblings deeply and never wanted an inappropriate relationship with them. We've never discussed this, and I've told no one. What should I do?

Accepted Answer

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been through. First and foremost, please know that you are not a bad person. You were a child who experienced something that no child should ever have to endure, and the feelings of guilt you're carrying are understandable but misplaced.

What you've described is a common pattern seen in children who have experienced sexual abuse. When children are sexually abused, they sometimes repeat behaviors they've been exposed to without fully understanding their meaning or inappropriateness. This is called "sexually reactive behavior" and differs significantly from the deliberate sexual assault that was perpetrated against you. It's not uncommon for children in such situations to mimic or reenact what has happened to them, often without fully understanding what they are doing.

Your experience shows several important signs that distinguish your childhood behavior from abuse. You responded to your siblings' boundaries immediately. You also felt discomfort about the behavior even as a child, and you had no intention to harm. These reactions demonstrate that even as a young person who had been victimized, you maintained empathy and respect for others. The fact that you respected your siblings when they expressed discomfort shows that you cared about their feelings, even then. Your love for them is evident, and the guilt you're feeling now is actually a sign of your moral compass and care for your siblings.

It's important to recognize that you were navigating a difficult and confusing time without the tools or support that you needed. Your cousin's abuse taught you harmful patterns that you were too young to fully process or understand. The guilt you're experiencing reflects your empathy and concern, but it's crucial to remember that you were not at fault for the abuse you suffered or the confusion it caused.

Healing from this complex situation typically involves working with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood sexual abuse. They can help you process both the original trauma you experienced and the guilt you feel about your reactive behaviors. Many survivors find that understanding the context of their childhood behaviors helps reduce shame and allows them to move forward.

Forgiving yourself can be a challenging process, but taking steps toward healing is a positive and courageous move. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate this journey. Remember that seeking help is an act of courage and commitment to your own healing, not a confirmation that you're a "bad person." Your awareness and concern demonstrate your capacity for growth and healing.

Thank you for trusting us with your story. You're not alone in this, and help is available.

Question 2

Is this assault or am I being dramatic? I went to see a therapist for an eating disorder, but most sessions he would ask me questions about my sex life and advised me to practice with toys so I'd be ready when I met someone. He also used to touch my thighs. It happened several years ago, but I forgot he touched me until recently. I do fear I'm being over dramatic about it though and it wasn't that bad, and maybe I'm just being too sensitive about it. My eating disorder did get way worse though, because I wanted to talk about that and not about sex. I've been told that since I'm an adult, the talking doesn't count as assault although inappropriate, but now I remembered the touching, and I don't know if that does. It feels so confusing, and I don't know why it's bothering me so much now, when I was fine before.

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this. I am so sorry to hear about what you've been through. Your feelings are completely valid, and you are absolutely not being overly dramatic or too sensitive. What you experienced matters.

What you've described sounds like a profound violation of professional boundaries and therapeutic ethics that caused you real, lasting harm. A therapist's sacred role is to provide a safe, professional space focused entirely on your healing, not to sexualize the therapeutic relationship or touch you inappropriately. From what you've shared, your therapist crossed professional boundaries that should never, ever be crossed. Asking intrusive questions about your sex life, suggesting you use toys to prepare for future relationships, and touching your thighs are all deeply inappropriate behaviors in any therapeutic setting. These actions represent serious professional misconduct and constitute both sexual harassment and, in the case of the unwanted touching, sexual assault.

When someone in a position of power and trust touches you in a sexual manner without your consent, that is assault regardless of the context, your age, or how much time has passed. Being over 18 doesn't make his actions acceptable or less harmful. Everyone has the fundamental right to feel safe and respected, especially when seeking help from a professional. The inappropriate sexual conversations, while perhaps not legally defined as assault, represent serious violations that created a harmful, exploitative environment when you were at your most vulnerable.

It's completely understandable that your eating disorder worsened during this time. You came seeking help for something specific and deeply personal, only to have your sessions hijacked by inappropriate sexual focus. The fact that your symptoms got worse because sessions became about sexual topics rather than your actual needs shows the direct, measurable impact of this misconduct on your wellbeing. This therapist failed you profoundly when you needed proper care most.

It's also completely normal and understandable that you're remembering and processing this now, even years later. Sometimes, our minds protect us by suppressing or minimizing traumatic memories until we're in a safer space emotionally to process them. The fact that you initially "forgot" the touching doesn't make it less real or serious. This is actually an incredibly common trauma response that many survivors experience. Our brains are remarkably protective, and sometimes our eating disorders or other coping mechanisms can mask or delay our processing of other traumas. This might explain why these feelings and memories are surfacing now as you work on your recovery journey.

Your nervous system and emotions are responding appropriately to a real violation that happened to you. You deserved proper, ethical treatment focused on your eating disorder, not sexual exploitation disguised as therapy. The confusion you're feeling makes complete sense. When someone who was supposed to help us causes harm instead, it can feel disorienting and make us question our own perceptions.

You're allowed to feel upset, angry, confused, or any other emotion about what happened, regardless of how much time has passed. Your feelings about this experience are not only valid but important signals that deserve to be honored and processed. I know that considering therapy again might feel terrifying after what you experienced. That's completely understandable and so many survivors feel this way. When someone who was supposed to be a safe person violated that trust so deeply, it makes sense that the thought of being vulnerable with another therapist would feel scary.

If and when you feel ready, seeking support from a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in both eating disorders and sexual trauma could be helpful, but there's absolutely no pressure or timeline for this decision. You get to move at your own pace and make choices that feel right and safe for you. In the meantime, you might consider reaching out to someone you trust to talk about this like a friend, family member, or calling a support hotline where you can process these difficult realizations without the commitment of ongoing therapy until you feel more ready. These conversations can be a gentle first step in your healing without the vulnerability that formal therapy requires right now.

You might also want to consider reporting this former therapist to their licensing board when and if you feel ready, as what they did was both illegal and unethical. However, this decision is completely yours to make on your own timeline. There's no pressure to take any particular action - your healing and wellbeing come first, and you deserve to focus on what feels manageable and supportive for you right now.

You deserve care, respect, and proper therapeutic support. Your healing matters deeply, and you have every right to seek the help you originally went looking for. Thank you for reaching out to us with this. You are not alone.

Question 3

I experienced abuse from ages 5-8 by a neighbor who was two years older. He had a 'secret game' in a hidden area of the park that involved inappropriate touching and harmful acts, sometimes with another child present. This occurred regularly over several years.

I've struggled with understanding if this qualifies as abuse given our ages and my lack of resistance. As a lonely child, I was drawn to the attention. The behavior stopped when we entered the same school, and he ceased contact. I kept this secret until age 19.

The experience has left me with deep shame and confusion about whether my feelings are warranted. While working with a therapist, I've found some relief in learning about childhood-on-childhood sexual abuse (COCSA). My therapist keeps warning me from speaking about my experiences, however, and I’m feeling very alone in this journey as I try to heal. I'm seeking guidance on processing these experiences and understanding their impact.

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for sharing this with us. It takes immense courage to reflect on such deeply personal experiences. First and foremost, please know that your feelings are valid, and you're not alone in feeling this way.

What you described from your childhood sounds confusing and distressing, and it's completely understandable that you're grappling with feelings of shame and uncertainty. Even though both you and your neighbor were children at the time, the activities you were involved in went beyond typical childhood exploration. The presence of secrecy, coercion, and a power imbalance—especially when he demonstrated control over you in front of others—are significant factors indicating that these experiences were not healthy or consensual.

It's common for survivors of childhood abuse to question whether what happened to them "counts" as abuse, particularly when there's a lack of physical force or if they felt complicit at the time. It's important to remember that as a child, you were not capable of giving informed consent to these activities. Your neighbor, being older and exerting control, was in a position of power, and it's not uncommon for children to comply with or even seek attention from others, especially when feeling lonely or isolated.
The responsibility lies with those who initiated and perpetuated the abuse. You were a child seeking connection and attempting to understand the world around you.

Regarding your therapist's warnings about speaking about your experiences, processing trauma often involves discussing and unpacking these memories in a safe and supportive environment. If you feel that your therapist isn't providing the support you need or is discouraging you from expressing yourself, it might be worth considering seeking a second opinion or finding a therapist who specializes in trauma and childhood abuse. A professional who understands the nuances of Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse (COCSA) can offer you the appropriate guidance and help you navigate your healing journey.

It's also helpful to connect with support groups or online communities where others have gone through similar experiences. Sharing with others who understand can alleviate feelings of isolation and provide additional perspectives on healing. Remember, healing is not linear, and it's okay to have mixed feelings about your past. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you work through these emotions. You deserve understanding, support, and the freedom to express your truth without fear or shame.

You're not alone, and there are resources and people who can help you. Please continue to reach out and advocate for the support you need. Thank you for reaching out to us. You are not alone.

Question 4

I'm confused about some of my brother's behavior during childhood and adolescence and whether it could explain my current intimacy issues. I'm 30F and have struggled with intimacy throughout my life. While I enjoy kissing and cuddling, I completely freeze up as soon as it goes further and just want it to be over. When I was 7 and my brother was 10, he showed me how to pleasure himself and made me do it. A few years later when he was 14-15, he would occasionally come into my room at night after drinking and watch me while I pretended to sleep. Sometimes he touched me between my legs, and I would move as if I was rolling over in my sleep, causing him to leave. This continued for a few months until he stopped. We now have a close relationship. Could these experiences be causing my difficulty with intimacy? I can't find another explanation, and it's becoming a real hurdle for me.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing your story and trusting us with your feelings. The experiences you've described with your brother during childhood were inappropriate boundary crossings that could certainly influence how you experience intimacy today. Children deserve to have their bodies respected and to develop an understanding of physical boundaries in their own time and in age-appropriate ways.

Inappropriate childhood sexual experiences can certainly impact your relationship with intimacy, both physically and emotionally. The freezing response you mention during sexual encounters is a common reaction that many people experience after having their boundaries crossed in childhood. Your body is responding protectively to situations that feel similar to past experiences, even if your conscious mind hasn't fully processed the connection.

The fact that you have a close relationship with your brother now is something many people in similar situations experience. Family relationships are complex, and it's possible to care about someone while still acknowledging that certain past behaviors were harmful. This complexity can sometimes make it challenging to process your feelings about what happened.

Many people find that their bodies remember what their minds have tried to understand or compartmentalize. The confusion you feel is also common. Many people question whether their experiences are significant enough to cause their current difficulties, especially when the person involved is someone they care about.

It's important to know that none of this was your fault. You were a child navigating situations that you weren't equipped to handle or fully understand at the time. Your reactions now are valid, and it's okay to seek support to help make sense of them.

Working with a compassionate therapist who specializes in sexual trauma could be helpful in processing these memories and developing strategies to feel safer in intimate situations. Many people find that understanding their responses as normal reactions to confusing childhood experiences helps reduce shame and opens pathways to healing.

Remember that healing is possible, and reconnecting with your body and sexuality on your own terms is achievable. Your experiences and responses are valid, and you deserve support in addressing these challenges and creating fulfilling relationships where you feel safe and comfortable. Take care of yourself. Thank you for your trust

Question 5

Childhood memories have recently resurfaced following a difficult breakup that impacted my sexuality and sex drive. When I was around 7-8 years old, I initiated what I called a 'game' with my two younger sisters (aged 4-5 and 2-3) under blankets, occurring perhaps 1-3 times. This involved making out and having my middle sister apply pressure to my private area while our youngest sister was present but looking away. I'm deeply ashamed and concerned about potential trauma I may have caused. I haven't disclosed this to anyone, including my therapist, as I can't bring myself to say the words. I'm struggling with intense shame and intrusive thoughts about whether and how this might affect my sister's adult life. I pray she doesn't remember it. These thoughts surface especially when I'm not busy or thinking about sexual things. I want her to be okay and don't want to tell her or anyone else. I just want to know what to do.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out and sharing something so personal. Childhood experiences can be confusing, and it's not uncommon for children to engage in exploratory behavior without fully understanding what they're doing. It's understandable that these memories are causing you significant distress, and your concern for your sister shows deep empathy and responsibility. Many people experience memories resurfacing during times of significant life changes or during periods when we're processing our relationships and sexuality differently.

Children naturally experience curiosity about their bodies and relationships as part of normal development. At young ages, children often engage in exploratory play as they try to make sense of the world around them, including relationships and physical sensations. This curiosity can take many forms and comes from many sources - things they've seen in movies or TV, overheard conversations, observed interactions between others, or simply trying to understand their own bodies and feelings. At the ages you mentioned, all of you were very young and still learning about boundaries and appropriate interactions. It's important to remember that you were a child yourself, navigating the world with limited knowledge and understanding.

The guilt and worry you're experiencing now show that you care deeply about your sister's well-being. It's natural to be concerned about how past events might have affected her. However, holding onto intense shame and self-blame may not be helpful for either of you.

Your recognition of the complexity of these experiences and your concern about their impact shows emotional maturity and growth. The fact that these memories intrude especially during quiet moments or when thinking about sexual matters suggests this is causing you significant emotional distress that deserves support. Working through these memories with a trauma-informed therapist could help you process these experiences and develop healthy coping strategies. While shame might make disclosure feel impossible right now, therapists are trained to handle these sensitive topics without judgment and can help you understand these childhood experiences within their developmental context.

Remember that punishing yourself for actions that took place when you were a young child isn't fair to the person you are today. If you're experiencing intrusive thoughts and difficulty when not keeping busy, these are natural responses to carrying heavy emotional weight that can be addressed through professional support. There are confidential resources available, including RAINN's hotline and online chat services, where trained advocates can help you explore next steps when you're ready. They can also help you think through any decisions about disclosure to family members, which is a personal choice that doesn't need to be made immediately.

Healing often involves understanding, forgiveness, and compassion—for both yourself and others. Your commitment to understanding the impact of these experiences and your deep concern for your sister's wellbeing shows you're already taking important steps toward healing. The fact that you're questioning these experiences now, as an adult, demonstrates growth in your understanding of boundaries and relationships. You're not alone in this journey, and support is available when you're ready to take that step.

You're not alone in this, and help is available when you're ready. Take care of yourself.

Question 6

Does it count as sexual assault if I stopped the encounter halfway through?

Accepted Answer

Thanks for reaching out to us. Without knowing the specific context of your situation--whether you initially consented and then changed your mind, were coerced from the beginning, or experienced something else entirely-- it's difficult to provide a definitive answer about your particular experience. However, I can share some general information about consent and sexual assault that may help you understand your situation better.

Sexual assault occurs when any sexual activity happens without ongoing, enthusiastic consent. Consent is not a one-time agreement. It's an ongoing process that can be withdrawn at any point during an encounter. If you indicated you wanted to stop an encounter and the other person continued or pressured you despite that indication, your boundaries were violated. This violation can constitute sexual assault, regardless of what happened before you decided to stop.

It's completely understandable that you might question whether your experience "counts" as sexual assault. Many survivors grapple with these doubts, especially when the situation doesn't match what they might have expected assault to look like. Feeling uncertain or questioning yourself is extremely common, and these feelings don't reflect the reality of what you experienced. Sexual assault exists on a spectrum, and every violation of your consent matters, regardless of duration or the specific circumstances.

Your body and your boundaries belong to you alone. When someone continues sexual activity after you've indicated you want to stop, whether through words, actions, or body language, they are disrespecting your autonomy. Your decision to stop, regardless of when it occurred or what led up to that moment, was your right and should have been immediately respected.

You deserve support and understanding. What happened was not your fault. If you find that these thoughts continue to trouble you or would like individual support, consider reaching out to someone you trust, whether that's a friend, an advocate at a local resource center, or a professional who is trained to help survivors. Organizations like RAINN (1-800-656-HOPE) offer confidential support and can connect you with local resources. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 7

When I was around 13, my mother would ask me to massage her back, legs, and bottom area while she was unclothed on her bed. She would use a plastic tool with soap. I'm wondering if this was appropriate behavior from a parent, especially since I feel like if a father asked this of a daughter, it would be seen as inappropriate.

Accepted Answer

Thanks for reaching out to us. It sounds like this memory is creating a lot of discomfort and uncertainty for you, and that's completely understandable. Your instincts about this situation are absolutely valid, and I want to acknowledge how much courage it takes to ask this question. What you've described crosses important boundaries that should exist between parents and children. Being expected to massage a parent's body in an area that normally would be private can violate important boundaries between a child and an adult.

Although every family has different routines around touch, it is widely recognized that asking a child of your age to massage a parent's bare buttocks and legs crosses the line of what is generally considered acceptable caregiving or affection between a parent and child. You're right to recognize that this behavior was inappropriate. It involved unnecessary nudity and physical contact that placed you in an uncomfortable position as a child. It doesn't necessarily matter who is in the role of parent, mother or father, if the situation leaves you feeling that your boundaries were overlooked or that you were placed in an inappropriate position.

Healthy parent-child relationships maintain appropriate physical boundaries, especially as children enter adolescence. Parents should not put their children in situations that involve intimate physical contact or nudity, regardless of how it might be framed or justified. Children deserve to feel safe and respected, and that includes being able to say "no" to touch that feels uncomfortable. Being put in a position where it doesn't feel possible to say no suggests a breach of that safety.

It's normal to question this behavior, especially as an adult looking back, and to feel unsettled that it happened. If you're feeling lingering unease or confusion about these experiences, that in itself is significant and worth acknowledging. It's common for survivors of boundary violations to question their own perceptions, especially when the inappropriate behavior came from someone who was supposed to protect them. Your feelings about this experience, whatever they may be, are completely valid.

What you experienced was not your fault, and you deserved to have your boundaries respected. If these memories continue to weigh on you, it might help to talk about them with someone you trust or with a professional who understands childhood and family boundary issues. Organizations like RAINN (1-800-656-HOPE) offer confidential support and can help connect you with local resources. You deserve support and clarity in coming to terms with any experiences that may have been confusing, distressing, or that simply never sat right with you. Your wellbeing matters, and there are people who understand and want to help.

Question 8

When I was a child (8), an older family member (13) wanted to play 'boyfriend and girlfriend' in the bathtub. During this 'game,' they kissed me and touched me while I was undressed and they remained clothed. At the time, I thought it was just playing, but now looking back I realize how inappropriate that was. I don't know if this was COCSA and it's driving me crazy trying to figure it out.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing your experience and for the courage it takes to reach out about something that's been weighing on your mind. It makes sense to look back on this moment with confusion, especially now that you understand more about healthy boundaries and how children relate to each other. It's completely understandable that you're trying to make sense of what happened, especially when childhood experiences can feel confusing to process as an adult.

What you're describing could fall under Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse (COCSA), but only you can label your experience. Children at ages eight and thirteen are at very different stages of development. That five-year gap represents substantial differences in physical development, understanding of sexuality, and social power during childhood. In situations where an older child directs sexual play toward a younger child, it can cross into harmful territory even if it feels like a game at the time. That difference in maturity can create a power imbalance, which can be a key factor in what professionals call COCSA. The fact that you were undressed while they remained clothed, combined with the kissing and touching, suggests behavior that went beyond typical childhood play.

It's important to remember that your family member was also a child at thirteen, likely navigating their own confusion about sexuality and boundaries. At that age, children are still developing their understanding of appropriate behavior and may not fully grasp the impact of their actions on younger children. This doesn't excuse what happened or minimize your experience, but it can help provide context for understanding that children who engage in inappropriate sexual behavior are often acting from their own lack of understanding, exposure to inappropriate content, or even their own experiences of boundary violations.

This experience does not mean there was anything wrong with you at the time. You were only eight, and children often go along with what an older kid suggests because they don't have the same understanding of boundaries that an older child might have. The confusion you're experiencing about whether this "counts" is something many survivors of childhood sexual experiences struggle with. When we're children, we don't have the framework to understand when something crosses appropriate boundaries, especially when it's presented as a game by someone we trust. Your brain naturally tried to make sense of the situation in the only way it could at the time --as play. This doesn't mean what happened was okay, and it doesn't diminish the impact it may have had on you.

Looking back and feeling that it was odd or unsettling is a normal response once you're old enough to recognize these differences. The fact that you're reflecting on this experience now and questioning it shows your adult understanding recognizing that something wasn't right. You're not alone in questioning or analyzing childhood memories as you grow older. If the memory is causing you distress or if you're questioning it continually, it might help to speak with someone who understands these situations—perhaps a counselor, support line, or anyone trained in working through childhood boundary violations.

You deserve validation concerning your discomfort, and it's okay to name what happened in the way that feels right to you, whether or not you decide to call it COCSA. The most important thing is recognizing that you were a child who didn't ask for or truly understand what was happening. Your feelings now do not change that you did nothing wrong and did not cause what happened. Whatever you decide to call this experience, your feelings about it are valid, and seeking support to work through these memories can be incredibly helpful. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, seeking gentle, knowledgeable support might bring clarity and help you feel more at ease with this part of your past. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 9

I see some stories on the Our Wave platform have updates.  How do I add an update to my story besides posting in the comments?

Accepted Answer

Hello! Thank you for asking this question. If you would like to add an update to your story, go to https://community.ourwave.org/find-story and enter your email connected to your story to get a secure update link. Once you have that link, you will be able to update your story. Please reach out to hello@ourwave.org if you have any additional questions related to this!

Question 10

Throughout my life, I've had experiences with older people when I was younger - one when I was around 10-12 and another at 16-17. While these felt like romantic relationships at the time, they sometimes involved requests for photos and videos. I know there are more severe cases, but there are things I don't understand about my own reactions. I experience impulses that make my body react - sometimes imagining scenarios involving those adults and my younger self, or my adult self with my child self. When I doubt these experiences, I get caught in cycles that are difficult to break. This includes searching for content that resembles what happened or trying to recreate it through fictional characters. I don't understand why this compulsive pattern happens, especially since what occurred doesn't seem that serious to me. Can things that "just happen" really be that impactful?

Accepted Answer

I'm so sorry you've been carrying such confusion about all of this. When someone who's older enters a relationship with a child or teen in a way that involves sexual or romantic behavior, it's understandable to feel torn about how serious or "bad" it was, especially if it didn't fit the kind of extreme abuse stories you've heard elsewhere. Yes, experiences that might seem "minor" or that "just happened" can absolutely have significant and lasting impacts. What you're describing, relationships with significant age gaps during childhood and adolescence, involved adults who held inherent power over you due to your developmental stage, regardless of how the relationships felt at the time.

The thing is, grooming doesn't always show itself through obvious commands or violence. Many times, it comes in the form of slow boundary pushing, where an adult establishes trust, affection, or special attention, then gradually introduces requests like photos or videos. Children and teens often don't realize what's happening until years later, and even then, it can feel confusing to label it as "wrong." The requests for photos and videos you mentioned were inappropriate regardless of the context of the relationship.

Those ongoing impulses, where you find yourself searching out content or creating fantasies, may be your body and mind trying to understand something overwhelming that never made full sense at the time. The intrusive thoughts and compulsive behaviors you're experiencing are common trauma responses. When we experience confusing or overwhelming situations, especially during formative years, our minds sometimes try to process these experiences by replaying them, seeking similar content, or attempting to understand them through various means. Our brains have a way of replaying or even sexualizing old wounds in an attempt to gain some kind of control or closure. There's nothing unusual in feeling both drawn to these reenactments and unsettled by them.

The cycle you describe, doubting your experiences, then having intrusive thoughts, then seeking content or recreating scenarios, is a pattern many survivors recognize. Trauma can blur the border between wanting to avoid painful memories and feeling compelled to revisit them. It doesn't mean you wanted what happened...only that your mind is wrestling with the emotional impact of those earlier experiences. These compulsions often arise when our minds are trying to resolve the confusion between what we felt, what we were told, and what we now understand about those experiences.

Even if you think "it wasn't that bad," the confusion and distress you're feeling now show that the age difference and the shifting power dynamics did matter. Minimizing these experiences is very common. Many survivors find themselves thinking "it wasn't that bad" or comparing their experiences to others they perceive as "worse." This minimization can actually be a protective mechanism, but it can also prevent us from acknowledging the real impact these experiences had on our development and current well-being. Grooming can leave emotional marks that might only surface when you're older.

You didn't invite these adults to manipulate or pressure you. Even subtle pressure carries weight when you're still forming an understanding of trust and personal boundaries. It's the nature of grooming to leave you uncertain about whether you really consented, and later it can bring up deeply conflicting emotions about sexuality and self-worth. The bodily reactions you're experiencing aren't something to feel ashamed about. Trauma can create complex neural pathways that connect memories, physical sensations, and emotional responses in ways that feel confusing or disturbing.

You deserve support as you sort through these thoughts, because they are valid and important. Speaking with a professional who understands childhood sexual trauma can help you make sense of the impulses and cyclical searching, and develop healthier coping strategies. You are not alone in these experiences, and there are people out there who care and want to help. Healing doesn't mean you have to recall every detail or fully "solve" this right away. It often involves learning to be kind with yourself, accepting that the confusion is a natural response, and gradually finding healthier ways to process what happened. It's not your fault, no matter how much you've doubted yourself. You deserve peace of mind and, when you're ready, there are caring professionals and resources that can walk with you on this path toward understanding.

Question 11

I went to a bar with a friend and we both drank heavily. Towards the end of the night, the sober waiter kissed me without my clear consent, then told me to wait until his shift ended so we could leave together. My friend encouraged the kiss and gave him my number without asking me. I didn't want to kiss him or wait for him. I felt guilty and sick the next day when he called. This happened 9 years ago but still makes me uncomfortable. Was this sexual assault or just inappropriate behavior?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting us with this experience. It sounds like you're still wrestling with complicated feelings about that night, which is completely normal. When alcohol is involved and you feel pressure, whether from a friend or from the person who kissed you, figuring out whether true consent was present can be confusing. Consent should always be mutual, informed, and absent of any pressure or impairment. If you were uncomfortable with him kissing you and didn't clearly want it, that's an important part of your own sense of what happened. Even if your friend encouraged you, you still had the right to decline. No one else can decide for you what you should or shouldn't do with your body.

What you experienced represents a significant boundary violation that involved multiple concerning elements. A sober person in a position of service taking advantage of someone who had been drinking heavily creates a power imbalance that makes true consent nearly impossible. The waiter's behavior showed a troubling disregard for your ability to make informed decisions in your intoxicated state, and the pressure you felt from multiple directions created a situation where your true wishes weren't respected or prioritized.

It's not unusual for unsettling thoughts about a past experience to linger, especially if you felt your boundaries may have been overlooked or if you felt out of control of the situation. Whether you label it as sexual assault or consider it an instance of someone pushing past what you were truly okay with, your discomfort is valid and significant. Your body and mind are giving you important information through these lasting feelings of discomfort nine years later. Trauma responses don't follow neat timelines or definitions. They respond to violations of safety, autonomy, and consent.

After all these years, it's understandable that you still feel uneasy. The feelings of guilt you experienced are unfortunately common but entirely misplaced. You did nothing wrong. The responsibility lies with the person who chose to pursue someone who was clearly intoxicated and unable to give informed consent. You might find it helpful to talk through these feelings with someone you trust, like a counselor or a close confidant, and to remind yourself that it wasn't your fault for wanting to keep your boundaries. Whatever language you choose to describe that night, your discomfort matters and you deserve support as you come to terms with how it affected you. Thank you for reaching out to us.

Question 12

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

Accepted Answer

It is not uncommon for survivors to experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, including sexual arousal. This can be especially distressing for individuals who may feel guilty or ashamed for feeling aroused in response to a traumatic event.

Sexual arousal is a physical response that can occur even in the absence of sexual desire or consent. It is a physiological response that can be triggered by a wide range of stimuli, including thoughts, memories, and sensations. In the case of sexual assault survivors, it is possible that the body's natural response to physical stimulation may be triggered by memories or thoughts related to the assault, even if these thoughts and memories are not wanted or desired.

It is important to note that experiencing sexual arousal in response to memories of sexual assault is not an indication of consent or enjoyment of the assault. It is simply a physical response that the body may have learned to make in certain situations. If you are struggling with these feelings, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. They can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies to manage these difficult emotions.

Thank you for asking this tough question. You are not alone.

Question 13

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

Accepted Answer

The healing process can be an opportunity to regain the control and autonomy that is often taken away during a traumatic experience. You are in the driver seat of your recovery and you decide how you want to navigate your healing and what’s best for you.

Setting goals or benchmarks is one way to measure your growth and celebrate small wins as you recover after trauma. If you choose to set goals, remember that everyone heals in their own way and in their own time.

Be patient with your progress and compassionate toward yourself. Try not to compare your own growth to someone else’s—your path to recovery is yours and only yours.

What do you want to achieve? It can help to think about what’s important to you and what inspires you. You can work on something personal (like thinking more positively) or something more tangible (like making time for friends you’ve lost touch with).

Choosing goals that are specific and measurable makes them easier to achieve. Saying one kind thing to yourself daily for two weeks is a specific and measurable goal to think more positively. You can easily track it and tell if you’ve successfully accomplished it or not.

Once you choose a goal, think about whether it’s realistic for where you are right now in your healing process. Be gentle with yourself and the benchmarks you select. It’s okay if you don’t achieve a goal you set the first time. Large goals can be broken into smaller, more easily attainable goals. No goal is too small. Keep things simple. You will get there.

It’s helpful to have a mix of both short and long-term goals. How many goals are you focusing on at the same time? Focusing your attention on 2-3 goals at a time can make it easier to keep track of them.

You don’t have to recover or set goals alone. It’s okay to reach out to people you trust. Extra support and motivation can help you achieve your goals. It’s up to you to decide who you want to involve in your recovery process, even if it’s just having someone to celebrate with.

When you accomplish a goal, take a moment to take in your achievement. Acknowledge and celebrate growth, even if it’s small. It’s proof that you are still moving forward. Healing from trauma is hard work. It is not a straight-forward or easy process. It takes time, and you may experience setbacks along the way, but you can do it.

Question 14

When I was a child, my parents repeatedly forced enemas on me. I remember screaming and begging to stop then finally giving in, freezing and dissociating. I've only recently (30 years later) had the courage to recall this memory, of which I used to have flashbacks that made me sick. My parents are nice people, but I feel like I am a survivor of a kind of sexual abuse. Can you help me understand what happened to me?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. First and foremost, I want to commend you for your bravery in confronting this painful memory and seeking understanding. Recognizing the impact of childhood experiences is a courageous step in the healing process.

What you've described - being repeatedly subjected to forced enemas despite your protests and distress - sounds deeply distressing and violating. The fact that you recall screaming, begging, and then dissociating (a common trauma response) underscores the emotional impact of these experiences.

It's important to note that without knowing your full medical history, it's unclear whether the enemas were medically necessary. In some cases, invasive procedures may be warranted for a child's health and well-being. However, even if the enemas were medically justified, your feelings of fear, powerlessness, and violation are still valid. A procedure can be both necessary and traumatic, and your emotional response and the harm associated with these experiences deserves to be acknowledged and respected.

If you feel safe and comfortable doing so, it may be helpful to share your feelings with your parents and ask for more information about the circumstances surrounding these events. Understanding the context and medical reasoning behind the enemas might provide some clarity and help you process the experience. However, it's important to prioritize your own emotional safety and only have this conversation if you feel supported and ready.

The flashbacks and physical sickness you mention are common symptoms of unresolved trauma. When our bodies and minds are overwhelmed by a distressing experience, the memory can get "stuck" in our nervous system, causing intrusive thoughts, sensations, and emotional reactivity. This is especially true for traumas experienced in childhood, when we lack the resources and context to fully process what's happening to us.

Please know that your feelings and the long-term impact of these experiences are valid, regardless of the medical necessity of the enemas. You deserved to have your boundaries and bodily autonomy respected, and it's not your fault that they weren't. It sounds like harm occurred here and you deserve to seek help to heal from that harm.

Healing from childhood trauma is a highly personal journey that often benefits from professional support. I encourage you to seek out a therapist who specializes in childhood trauma and medical trauma. They can provide a safe space to process your memories, validate your experiences, and work with you to develop coping strategies for managing symptoms. They may also be able to get into more specifics with you surrounding whether or not what you experienced was abuse.

Thank you so much for this question and I am sorry that I cannot provide more guidanc. However you define your experience, you are welcome here. You are not alone.

Question 15

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

Accepted Answer

When a loved one is going through a difficult time in their healing journey, they may look to you for support or encouragement.  However, it is important to remember that your own mental health is important too. Trauma is extremely painful and sometimes no matter what you do as a bystander, it can feel like not enough. At times like these, you may need to set boundaries to ensure that your needs are addressed as well.

Setting boundaries can be difficult, especially if you have not had much practice. First, think about what your needs and limits are. This can include the level of financial, emotional, and physical help you are willing to provide. When you are ready, share with your loved one in a calm situation, rather than in the heat of the moment. Use “I” statements to show your perspective. After you have communicated these boundaries, it is important to follow through and re-emphasize them when needed. Resist feelings of guilt. This does not mean you do not care about them.

You can also help by suggesting other means of support. Therapists or local crisis centers have experience working with people with trauma and are trained to help. You may also find these services helpful for your own processing. It is not uncommon for local crisis centers to  also offer services for loved ones of those who have experienced trauma.

Just because someone has experienced trauma, does not mean that they have a right to take their anger out on you. If you feel that you are being verbally, physically, or sexually harmed, set a limit if it feels safe, remove yourself from the situation, and seek help if you need it.

It can be difficult to help your friends if you run out of emotional or physical energy. Focusing on your own self-care is not selfish, it sometimes may be necessary. As the saying goes, put your mask on first...then offer assistance.

Question 16

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this extremely difficult question. Please know you are not alone and this does not invalidate the trauma you experienced. Arousal during sexual assault is a possible, but involuntary physiological response that does not imply consent or enjoyment. Resist the feelings of shame and self-blame that you are feeling. It is not your fault and your experiences are valid.

Survivors can experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, especially if they believe they experienced sexual arousal. Sexual arousal is a physical response that can occur even in the absence of sexual desire or consent. Arousal can be caused by fear, excitation transfer, nerve stimulation, or other factors. It is possible that your body's natural response to physical stimulation was triggered during your experience, even if those feelings are not wanted or desired.

To bring forward some research, of those who report sexual violence, it is estimated that around 1 in 20 people also describe experiencing orgasm. But the true numbers are likely much higher. For example, in a 2004 review paper, a clinician reports, “I (have) met quite a lot of victims (males) who had the full sexual response during sexual abuse…I (have) met several female victims of incest and rape who had lubrication and orgasm.” This further emphasizes that this is something many people struggle with, and there is nothing to be ashamed of.

If you are struggling with these feelings, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. I know it can feel embarassing to bring this up to your therapist, but if they have a background in sexual trauma, this is probably something they have heard before from other clients. Trained mental health providers can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies to manage these difficult emotions. If you feel your therapist will not understand, perhaps you would benefit from some complementary support from others who are more knowledgable about the diverse ways trauma and violence can manifest. You do not need to go through this alone.

Thank you for asking this tough question. We are here for you if you need us.

Question 17

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for your question. If you have not experienced any form of gender-based harm, it might be hard to imagine why survivors who go through these horrific experiences do not always report them. Unfortunately, due to the characteristics of one's sexual harm experience, the lack of protection for survivors, and historical injustices within the criminal-legal system, gender-based violence is the most underreported crime. For example, it is estimated that 63% of sexual assaults are not reported to police and only 12% of child sexual abuse is reported to the authorities.

There are many reasons why survivors may feel hesitant to report their experience. We will list a few of these reasons below:

It is not safe for them to report the assault at this time or they fear perpetrator or family retaliation.
They want to put the incident behind them or forget it happened.
They aren’t sure that what happened meets the legal definition of sexual assault or rape.
They are in shock.
They feel shame or self-blame.
They fear not being believed or being socially isolated from friends or family
They fear being blamed.
They fear being revictimized by law enforcement or the court.
They fear that they will not receive justice.
They fear that their offender will not be held accountable.

Whatever the reason, and there are many more, remember that ultimately it is the survivor's choice whether or not they want to report their experience. For some, reporting is not necessary for their healing. Others just do not want to go through any additional trauma or heartache. Support and respect the choices the survivors in your life make related to reporting. This will make you a valuable ally as they navigate healing in the aftermath.

References

Rennison, C. A. (2002). Rape and sexual assault: Reporting to police and medical attention, 1992-2000 [NCJ 194530]. Retrieved from the U.S. Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, Bureau of Justice Statistics: http://bjs.ojp.usdoj.gov/content/pub/pdf/rsarp00.pdf

Hanson, R. F., Resnick, H. S., Saunders, B. E., Kilpatrick, D. G., & Best, C. (1999). Factors related to the reporting of childhood rape. Child Abuse and Neglect, 23,559–569. doi:10.1016/S0145-2134(99)00028-9

Question 18

I got assaulted, but I don’t really feel anything...is something wrong with me?

Accepted Answer

The short answer is...no not at all. It is quite common for survivors to feel emotionally detached or drained after experiencing an assault, perhaps even at times feeling unaware of what is happening around them. Survivors can also experience feelings of denial, disbelief, or numbness as a reaction to their assault experience. These reactions should never be confused with "not caring" or with the assault being “not serious.” These feelings are how our body is coping with our experience, protecting us from its intensity. The body’s reaction to stress in this way is often viewed as a survival strategy and can be useful when we have to take some action, such as getting out of a violent situation, weighing our options, or making an appointment with a professional.

It is important to note that numbness is not the only emotional shock reaction that you may exhibit. Other normal reactions include: crying uncontrollably, laughing nervously, extreme fatigue, or withdrawing. It is important to be prepared, however, that as you process your experience, the initial numbness may fade. If you would like company, surround yourself with trusted others. Or think about other strategies you can use that have helped in times of crisis in the past. No matter what you are feeling, recognize that these are normal reactions to trauma, and you do not need to face them all on your own.

Question 19

How do I understand why something triggers me?

Accepted Answer

Highly emotional & stressful experiences “trigger” a part of the brain called the amygdala. Usually, the amygdala is helpful and works to keep us safe from dangerous situations by activating a fear response.

After a traumatic experience, the amygdala can become overactive, causing fear responses even if you are not in any danger. Your reaction may be to fight, flee, or freeze, interfering with daily tasks and functioning, even if you’re in a completely safe situation.

Sometimes triggers are more obvious—like seeing violence on a tv show or hearing about it on the news. It makes sense why watching or hearing something traumatic would bring up memories or feelings from your own trauma.

Other times, triggers can feel more subtle or hard to anticipate. They can include just about anything--from hearing a song, to hugging someone, to smelling something, to the way a piece of fabric or clothing feels, or even just going to a doctor’s appointment.

While triggers can feel isolating & scary, especially when they happen in public or around other people, know that you are not alone. Over two-thirds of survivors of sexual assault report experiencing triggers.

Over time you can identify the situations that might trigger you. Anticipating these situations and learning relaxation strategies can make it easier to cope with them. While it feels good to avoid triggers in the short-term, it’s not always possible to predict all potential triggers.

Experiencing a trigger in a safe situation that does not pose danger & coping with it, can help your amygdala re-learn that these cues aren’t actually signs of real danger. This process can help decrease the intensity & frequency of triggers over time.

Many survivors of trauma or viσlence will notice an improvement in post-traumatic symptoms naturally over time. For others, these symptoms might not improve on their own & can interfere with their daily lives.

If you notice that your triggers are affecting you & not improving, you might consider reaching out to your social network for support or consider seeking professional help to navigate recovery. You know yourself best & what type of support sounds right to you.

Question 20

When I was young, another child touched me without my consent. Is this normal childhood behavior or am I overthinking my reaction to it?

Accepted Answer

Your feelings and concerns about this experience are completely valid and you're not overthinking anything. When we experience unwanted touch, even as children, our bodies and minds can hold onto those memories and the feelings they created. It's natural for you to wonder about what happened and to have questions about it now.

What you're describing falls into what experts call "problematic sexual behavior" between children. While some sexual curiosity and exploration is considered typical in childhood development, any touching that happened without your consent (regardless of the ages involved) was not okay. The fact that you remember feeling uncomfortable or that it was unwanted tells us something important about how it affected you.

Children who engage in problematic sexual behaviors are often acting out something they themselves have experienced or been exposed to. This doesn't excuse the behavior, but it helps us understand that both children in these situations may need support and healing. Neither child is typically considered "at fault" in the way we might think about adult behavior.

What matters most now is how this experience has affected you. Some people carry very little impact from childhood experiences like this, while others may notice effects on their relationships, body image, or feelings of safety. Both responses are normal. If you find that memories of this experience are causing you distress, affecting your daily life, or impacting your relationships, talking with a trauma-informed therapist can be incredibly helpful. They can help you process these memories and develop tools for healing.

Healing isn't about forgetting or minimizing what happened, it's about reclaiming your sense of safety and agency. You deserve support, understanding, and the space to work through whatever feelings arise about this experience. Your instincts about your own experiences are trustworthy, and seeking answers about something that doesn't feel right to you shows wisdom and self-care. Thank you for reaching out to us.

Welcome to Our Wave.

Questions & Answers

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Topics

Does it count as sexual assault if I stopped the encounter halfway through?

I see some stories on the Our Wave platform have updates. How do I add an update to my story besides posting in the comments?

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

I got assaulted, but I don’t really feel anything...is something wrong with me?

How do I understand why something triggers me?

When I was young, another child touched me without my consent. Is this normal childhood behavior or am I overthinking my reaction to it?

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

How do I understand why something triggers me?

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

When I was young, another child touched me without my consent. Is this normal childhood behavior or am I overthinking my reaction to it?

Does it count as sexual assault if I stopped the encounter halfway through?

I see some stories on the Our Wave platform have updates. How do I add an update to my story besides posting in the comments?

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

I got assaulted, but I don’t really feel anything...is something wrong with me?

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