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When I was 13, someone older inappropriately touched me. I'm still unsure if the touch was sexual in nature, but it left me feeling confused and angry. I kept quiet about it for a long time, though it made me sad. Will I ever stop feeling guilty about not speaking up sooner?

Dr. Laura

Answer by Dr. Laura

PhD Mental Health Nurse & Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner

Thank you so much for sharing your intimate feelings with us. Feelings of guilt about not speaking up sooner are completely normal, but please know that keeping quiet was not wrong or your fault. Many people stay silent about uncomfortable or traumatic experiences, especially when they happen during childhood. Confusion about the nature of the touch is absolutely valid - our minds and bodies often need time to process experiences that feel violating or uncomfortable. Your courage in exploring these feelings now shows incredible strength.

There are several gentle ways to manage these feelings of guilt. For example, consider writing letters to your younger self, validating their choices and needs at the time. You could also try practicing self-compassion by speaking to yourself as you would a friend in the same situation. When guilt feels overwhelming, try grounding techniques like deep breathing or naming things you can see and touch. Remember that silence is a common trauma response - you did what you needed to do to feel safe.

Consider speaking with a trauma-informed counselor who can help you process these feelings and provide additional coping strategies tailored to your experience. They can help you understand that delayed disclosure is incredibly common and doesn't make your experience any less valid. You did what you needed to do to survive and cope, and that was exactly right for you at the time. We appreciate you reaching out. You are not alone

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Grounding activity

Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:

5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)

4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)

3 – things you can hear

2 – things you can smell

1 – thing you like about yourself.

Take a deep breath to end.

From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.

Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).

Take a deep breath to end.

Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:

1. Where am I?

2. What day of the week is today?

3. What is today’s date?

4. What is the current month?

5. What is the current year?

6. How old am I?

7. What season is it?

Take a deep breath to end.

Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.

Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.

Take a deep breath to end.

Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.

Take a deep breath to end.