Find Answers to Your Questions ~ Our Wave Community

Question 1

When we were children of approximately 7 years old, my friend and I had sexual experiences on several occasions. At first she would agree, but the last two times I vividly remember how she would tell me "I don't feel like it" but I would insist. After those two times there were no more because I understood that what I was doing wasn't right. We continued being friends normally, but my sexual life got worse. Despite everything, I can't forgive myself but I also can't live with this. What can I do?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for reaching out to us. What you describe is an incredibly painful experience to carry, and I want you to know that the fact that you're reflecting on this with such awareness speaks to your moral growth and capacity for empathy. It sounds like you have been carrying guilt about what happened since you were both very young and didn't fully understand boundaries or the impact of your actions. You were only around seven yourself, and children at that age generally don't have the emotional maturity or self-awareness to navigate sexual boundaries the way adults do.

It's crucial to understand that very young children, especially around age 7, are at a developmental stage where understanding of consent, boundaries, and sexuality is just forming. Brain development at that age means that complex concepts like consent, long-term consequences, and emotional empathy are still in the process of maturing. Children naturally explore their bodies and may engage in curiosity-driven activities without grasping how certain actions can cause harm or discomfort to others. It's important to remember that you were a child, and the responsibility to maintain healthy boundaries should never have been placed on you at that age.

Your strong feelings of shame, regret, and self-blame today reveal that you've developed a deeper understanding over time, which is common when childhood experiences resurface in adulthood. The remorse you feel now doesn't erase the past, but it does show you've grown and have a moral understanding that you weren't capable of having back then. What's significant here is that you recognized something was wrong and stopped, which shows that your moral compass was working even at such a young age.

The impact you describe on your current sexual life is common among people who carry similar childhood experiences. You've mentioned that your sex life got worse and that you are struggling to forgive yourself. This kind of turmoil often happens when we judge our childhood actions by the standards we hold as adults. Guilt and shame can manifest in many ways: difficulties with intimacy, sexual self-esteem issues, anxiety during sexual encounters, or a generalized feeling of not deserving pleasure or connection. Your brain may have associated sexuality with feelings of guilt and pain, creating patterns that persist into adulthood.

Healing from this type of experience frequently requires specialized professional support. It can help to speak with someone who understands childhood development and the complexities of sexual exploration among young children. A counselor or mental health professional experienced in trauma, childhood sexual behavior, or sexuality can provide you with the tools to process your guilt and find healthier ways to cope with these memories.

Even though you might feel alone, you're not the only person who has wrestled with shame and confusion over early experiences like this. Seeking supportive resources, like confiding in a trusted friend or mentor, finding a survivor-informed professional, or contacting organizations that offer helplines, can be an important step. Talking with someone who can listen without judgment might help you express the pain you've been holding inside.

The healing process may also include developing a more compassionate understanding of yourself as a child. This doesn't mean minimizing the importance of consent or excusing harmful behaviors, but rather recognizing the limitations of childhood development and the context in which these events occurred. Over time, self-forgiveness often arises from understanding what shaped your childhood actions, recognizing what you've learned since then, and acknowledging the empathy and conscientiousness you show today.

Consider also that genuine responsibility and remorse can be transformed into positive action. Some people find healing through involvement in consent education, abuse prevention work, or simply by committing to being a person who respects boundaries in all their future relationships. You deserve kindness and compassion, even toward that much younger version of yourself who didn't yet have the ability to fully understand consent and boundaries. Thank you for trusting us with this. You do not have to carry this burden alone.

Question 2

I don't think I was abused as a child, but starting in high school I began having fleeting relationships with lots of sex. It was common in my friend group. I've continued a pattern of being attracted to people who treat me badly. How can I change this pattern?

Accepted Answer

It sounds like you've been carrying a sense of frustration and maybe even some self-blame for being caught in a cycle of relationships that don't uplift or respect you. What you're describing reflects patterns that many people recognize in their own lives, even when they don't have clear memories of childhood trauma. These behaviors can develop as responses to various experiences, including emotional neglect, boundary violations that might not register as "abuse" at the time, or growing up in environments where healthy relationship modeling wasn't present.

When we start having sexual experiences very young, especially when it becomes a dominant way of connecting with others, it can sometimes indicate that we learned early on to use our bodies or sexuality as a way to feel valued, wanted, or in control. This isn't about making poor choices—it's often about adapting to circumstances with the tools and understanding we had available at the time. The pattern of being attracted to people who treat you badly might reflect what feels familiar or what you've internalized about your own worth and what kind of treatment you deserve.

It's understandable that, when these patterns start early, like in high school, you might feel they're too ingrained to change. The fact that you're asking how you can "change your pattern" shows you're ready to look at them and make choices that feel healthier for you. It may help to remind yourself that you deserve relationships where respect and genuine care are present. That truth doesn't vanish, no matter what your past has looked like or how many difficult relationships you've experienced.

Moving forward often involves being curious about what you look for in a partner, and paying closer attention to how those values line up with the kind of care and respect you want in your life. It might also mean stepping back from people who reinforce that old pattern of being treated badly, even if you've known them for a long time. Taking small but consistent steps toward healthier connections (like surrounding yourself with friends or communities who show respect and kindness, or talking your feelings through with someone you trust) can help break those long-standing cycles.

Breaking these patterns is absolutely possible, though it often requires patience with yourself and sometimes professional support to understand the underlying beliefs and experiences that shaped them. Many people find that therapy, particularly trauma-informed approaches, can be incredibly helpful in understanding these patterns and developing healthier ways of connecting with others. You're not locked into one path, even if it felt that way for a long time. Every time you reach out, set a boundary, or choose kindness toward yourself instead of blame, you're taking a step toward changing those patterns you're worried are set. You deserve relationships built on respect, care, and genuine affection and recognizing that these patterns exist is already an important step toward creating the change you're seeking.

Question 3

I'm unsure if I perpetrated COCSA in my childhood (around age 9-10) or if it was just my natural curiosity. It involved examining a younger relative's genitals (4 years younger) during play, motivated by curiosity about my own body after an injury. There was no force used or explicit sexual activity, but I'm confused about whether the age difference makes this concerning. I didn't fully understand the implications at the time. I plan to discuss this with a professional, but I'm looking for initial guidance on how to categorize and understand this childhood experience.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing this sensitive experience. It's understandable that you're trying to make sense of this childhood incident and its implications. Based on the information provided, this situation seems to fall into a gray area. While there was an age difference and curiosity about bodies involved, it doesn't appear to meet the typical criteria for COCSA (Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse).

When evaluating situations like this, it's crucial to consider both intent and impact. Your intent appears to have been curiosity and exploration rather than any desire to harm or exploit. This is an important factor, as children's motivations are often very different from adults in similar situations. However, we must also consider the potential impact on the younger child, even if unintended.

The primary factors to consider are your age and level of understanding at the time, the absence of force or coercion, the context of play and curiosity rather than sexual gratification, and the lack of explicit sexual activity. It's important to recognize that children often engage in exploratory behaviors as they try to understand their bodies and the world around them. This curiosity is generally considered a normal part of development, especially when it doesn't involve force or explicit sexual acts.

However, the age difference and the nature of the interaction do raise some concerns, which is likely why you're feeling uncertain about it now. It's positive that you're reflecting on this and seeking to understand it better. This reflection shows an awareness of the potential impact of our actions, even those from childhood.

Moving forward, it's an excellent idea to discuss this with a mental health professional. They can help you navigate the complex interplay between intent and impact, providing a more comprehensive assessment based on all the details. They can also help you process any feelings associated with this memory.

Remember that children cannot be held to the same standards of behavior as adults. Your intentions and level of understanding at the time are crucial factors, but so is learning from past experiences. If you're experiencing guilt or anxiety over this, a therapist can help you work through these emotions in a healthy way.

This experience doesn't define you. What's important is how you choose to learn and grow from reflecting on past experiences, considering both your intentions and the potential impact of your actions. Your thoughtful approach to understanding this incident demonstrates maturity and responsibility. Thank you for reaching out to us.

Question 4

When I was around 5, I was exposed to pornography (my memories of how this happened are unclear). I began mimicking these behaviors, which led to sexual exploration with my siblings - including mutual touching with my older brother, and inappropriate 'doctor' games with my younger sister, which I stopped when I realized she was uncomfortable.

During this same period, I developed an intense fear of men, particularly my swimming teacher, older men, and my stepdad. I also became afraid of being touched.

Now, 12 years later, I'm struggling with guilt, shame, and compulsive sexual behaviors. I've never talked about this before, and I need help understanding what happened and how to heal. Is what I experienced normal childhood behavior, or was it something else? How can I move forward?

Accepted Answer

I really appreciate you trusting us with this. It takes immense courage to open up about such personal experiences, especially when it's the first time you're speaking about them. Please know that you're not alone, and your feelings are valid.

Discovering pornography at such a young age can be confusing and overwhelming. Children are naturally curious, and when exposed to adult content before they're ready, they might imitate what they see without fully understanding it. It's not uncommon for children who have encountered sexual material early on to explore these behaviors with siblings or peers. This doesn't make you a bad person; it means you were a child trying to make sense of something beyond your comprehension.

Engaging in those activities with your brother, sister, and friends could be a response to your early exposure and it's important to remember that you didn't have the capacity to fully grasp the implications of those actions. The fact that you stopped when your sister expressed discomfort shows your innate sense of empathy, even at a young age.

The fear you developed towards men, including your swimming teacher, older men, and even your stepdad, might be connected to your early experiences with pornography and the confusion it caused. Sometimes, early exposure or experiences can lead to anxiety or fear around certain people, even if we can't pinpoint exactly why. Your discomfort with being touched could also be a response to those confusing early experiences.

Feeling guilt and shame is a heavy burden to carry, especially when these feelings stem from events that happened in your childhood. It's important to acknowledge that you were a child navigating complex situations without the understanding or guidance needed to process them. You didn't do anything wrong-- you were trying to make sense of the world around you.

Struggling with an addiction to sexual things now might be a way your mind and body are coping with unresolved feelings from the past. These patterns can develop when early experiences impact how we understand and relate to sexuality.

Consider reaching out to a mental health professional who can provide a safe and supportive space for you to explore these feelings and experiences. A therapist can help you process what happened, understand how it affects you today, and work with you on strategies to heal and move forward.

You're not alone in this journey, and there are people who care and want to help. Be gentle with yourself, and know that healing is possible. Thank you for trusting us with your story. We appreciate your trust.

Question 5

I believe I was sexually abused by a friend when I was a child. She was a classmate of my brother and 5-6 years older than me. Our families were close, which led to us becoming friends despite the age difference. When I was around 6-8 years old, she made us 'play' in a way that involved oral sex. I hated it and tried to avoid doing it 'properly' without her noticing. I tried to forget about the experience, but I think it has taken a toll on me, especially when I started dating. As a lesbian, I struggled with setting boundaries and expressing my needs during sexual encounters. When I tried to perform oral sex on my then-partner, I didn't enjoy it and forced myself to continue even though I wanted it to stop. I believe that what happened to me as a child has affected me as an adult, and I'm seeking validation and information on how childhood sexual abuse can impact a person later in life.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am so sorry that you experienced this situation with your brother's friend when you were a child. What happened to you was not your fault, and your feelings about the experience are completely valid. It's common for individuals who have gone through experiences like this to try to bury or minimize related memories, especially when the other person involved was someone close to them or of the same gender. However, these experiences can have long-lasting effects on a person's mental health, relationships, and sexual well-being.

Based on what you shared, it sounds like what happened to you was not consensual and constitutes as sexual abuse. Even though you were young, you knew that you didn't like the sexual activity and tried to avoid engaging in it fully. This demonstrates that you did not want or enjoy what was happening, despite the other person's attempts to frame it as "play." It also sounds like there was a significant age gap and potential power dynamics at play here. That is also very concerning.

The struggles you describe with setting boundaries, communicating your needs, and feeling comfortable during sexual encounters are common challenges for individuals who have experienced sexual trauma. Having your boundaries crossed at a young age can make it difficult to assert yourself and express your desires later in life. Forcing yourself to continue with sexual activities that you don't enjoy is a coping mechanism that many people in similar situations use, but it can ultimately be harmful to your emotional and sexual well-being.

Childhood sexual abuse can significantly impact intimate relationships as an adult. Survivors may struggle with trust, communication, and vulnerability, which are essential components of a fulfilling partnership. They may also experience fear, anxiety, or even physical discomfort during sexual encounters, making it challenging to relax and enjoy intimacy. Some survivors may engage in risky sexual behaviors or have difficulty establishing boundaries, while others may avoid sexual relationships altogether. These challenges are not a reflection of the survivor's worth or ability to love, but rather a common response to the trauma they experienced.

It's crucial to remember that healing is possible. Seeking support from a therapist who specializes in working with individuals who have experienced sexual trauma can be incredibly beneficial. They can help you process your memories, validate your experiences, and develop healthy coping strategies for navigating sexual relationships as an adult. They may also work with you on building self-esteem, communication skills, and boundary-setting, which can be essential for fostering healthy, fulfilling partnership

Only you can label your experiences. You may find it helpful to connect with others who have gone through something similar, either through support groups or online communities. Sharing your story and hearing from others can help you feel less alone and provide valuable insights into the healing process.

What happened to you was not your fault, and you deserve to have healthy, fulfilling relationships and sexual experiences. Be patient and compassionate with yourself. Your experience matters. Thank you for sharing it with us.

Question 6

Tengo recuerdos que recientemente recuperé sobre mi hermano mayor haciendo pasar actos sexuales como un juego secreto cuando yo tenía 5 o 6 años. Desde entonces, he recordado otros momentos en los que él me tocó, lo cual me hizo sentir incómodo y asustado. No sé si estos recuerdos son reales y no sé cómo lidiar con esto. No quiero enfrentar a mi hermano sobre este tema, ya que estoy seguro de que él tampoco era consciente de la magnitud de lo que estaba haciendo.

I have memories that I recently recovered about my older brother passing off sexual acts as a secret game when I was 5 or 6 years old. Since then, I have remembered other moments where he touched me which made me uncomfortable and scared. I don't know if these memories are real and I don't know how to deal with this. I don't want to confront my brother about this issue, as I am sure that he was not aware of the magnitude of what he was doing either.

Accepted Answer

Gracias por comunicarte con nosotros sobre esto. Parece que lo que pasaste fue extremadamente confuso y angustiante para ti. El abuso sexual, independientemente de la edad del agresor o de su comprensión de sus acciones, nunca es tu culpa y puede tener efectos emocionales y psicológicos duraderos.

Es importante recordar que tú eres el experto en tus propias experiencias, y tus sentimientos y recuerdos son válidos. No es inusual que las personas que han sufrido abuso sexual en la infancia repriman los recuerdos del(los) evento(s) como un mecanismo de afrontamiento, solo para que estos resurjan más tarde en la vida. El hecho de que ahora estés recordando estas experiencias no disminuye su validez o impacto en tu bienestar.

Es natural sentirse confundido o inseguro acerca de la realidad de estos recuerdos, especialmente dada la naturaleza sensible de la situación y la participación de un miembro de la familia. Puede ser útil explorar estos recuerdos y sentimientos con un profesional de la salud mental calificado que se especialice en trabajar con personas que han sufrido abuso sexual en la infancia. Ellos pueden proporcionar un espacio seguro y sin prejuicios para ayudarte a procesar tus experiencias y determinar el mejor camino a seguir para tu situación única.

Recuerda, tus sentimientos de incomodidad, miedo y confusión son válidos y justificados. Nadie tiene derecho a tocarte de manera inapropiada u obligarte a participar en actos sexuales, independientemente de su relación contigo.

Si bien enfrentar a tu hermano puede no ser el camino que elijas tomar, es crucial que priorices tu propia curación y bienestar. Buscar el apoyo de un profesional o alguien en quien confíes puede ser un paso esencial para dar sentido a tus recuerdos y experiencias, así como para desarrollar estrategias de afrontamiento que apoyen tu proceso de curación. No estás solo. Gracias por comunicarte con nosotros.

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Thank you for reaching out about this. It sounds like what you went through was extremely confusing and distressing for you. Sexual abuse, regardless of the perpetrator's age or understanding of their actions, is never your fault and can have long-lasting emotional and psychological effects.

It is important to remember that you are the expert of your own experiences, and your feelings and memories are valid. It is not uncommon for people who have experienced childhood sexual abuse to repress memories of the event(s) as a coping mechanism, only to have them resurface later in life. The fact that you are now remembering these experiences does not diminish their validity or impact on your well-being.

It is natural to feel confused or unsure about the reality of these memories, especially given the sensitive nature of the situation and the involvement of a family member. It may be helpful to explore these memories and feelings with a qualified mental health professional who specializes in working with people who have experienced childhood sexual abuse. They can provide a safe, non-judgmental space to help you process your experiences and determine the best path forward for your unique situation.

Remember, your feelings of discomfort, fear, and confusion are valid and justified. No one has the right to touch you inappropriately or force you to engage in sexual acts, regardless of their relationship to you.

While confronting your brother may not be the path you choose to take, it is crucial that you prioritize your own healing and well-being. Seeking support from a professional or someone you trust can be an essential step in making sense of your memories and experiences, as well as developing coping strategies to support your healing process. You are not alone. Thank you for reaching out to us.

Question 7

How do I deal with the intense guilt and shame of being a COCSA perpetrator? This happened over 20 years ago when I was a teenager, and it has haunted me ever since I realized how wrong what I did was. I have never done anything like it since, and have otherwise lived a very normal life.

At the time, I was an immature teen who felt behind and inexperienced compared to my peers. I am neurodivergent, grew up with family problems and some neglect, and had an older relative expose himself to me as a child, which really affected me. My family never discussed boundaries or body safety. I don't think I would have done what I did if I had the education that kids have today, though I want to be clear that none of this excuses what I did. I take full responsibility.

I have spent years trying to understand why I did it and what it means about me as a person. All that has come from that is deep shame and disgust for myself. The child is now an adult with no memory of the event, and I am truly relieved it didn't cause lasting harm, though I understand that it could have, and I feel horrible about that.I also have OCD, which makes processing this in a healthy way even harder.

I struggle because who I am now and what I did back then do not align at all. I am wholeheartedly against the abuse of anyone, especially children, and I love, advocate for, and protect the kids in my life. But I have distanced myself from everyone I love because I feel like I am deceiving them. I can't accept feelings of love, safety, or connection because I feel like if they knew, they would see me as disgusting and unsafe, even though I know I'm not unsafe.

I just wish I could do something to make it better. I feel like I'm going to feel like a horrible, abnormal person for the rest of my life, and sometimes I think that's what I deserve. I don't see how I can ever feel like a normal person or enjoy human connection again. Is there any way to process this guilt and shame in a healthy way, or is this just something I have to accept living with forever?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing this with us. What you are carrying is extraordinarily heavy, and the fact that you have been carrying it with such seriousness and moral awareness for so many years says a great deal about who you are now.

What you are describing, this collision between who you were as a young teenager and who you are today, is one of the most painful forms of shame a person can experience. And it is important to name that shame and guilt, while they can feel like the same thing, are actually doing different things inside of you. Guilt says I did something harmful. Shame says I am something harmful. Over time, it sounds like you have moved into deep shame and shame, particularly when it lives in isolation for decades, does not lead to healing. It leads to exactly what you are describing...disconnection, self-punishment, and an inability to receive love or feel like you belong in your own life.

What happened when you were a teenager exists within a context that does not excuse it, but does help explain it, and that explanation is part of how you begin to process this honestly. You were a young, neurodivergent teenager navigating family problems, neglect, and your own experience of being exposed to by an older relative. You had received no education about boundaries or body safety. You have named all of this yourself, and you have been clear that you do not offer it as excuse, but it is still relevant to how you understand yourself across a span of more than two decades, and it matters.

You have lived for over 20 years as someone who is, by every measure you describe, safe, caring, and genuinely protective of the children and people around you. That is not a performance...that is who you became, and arguably who you were always becoming, even as a teenager who lacked the tools, the guidance, and the maturity to act in alignment with your own values. People are not static. The version of you that existed as a young teenager, undereducated, undersupported, and acting out of something you did not even fully understand at the time, is not the complete or permanent definition of you.

The OCD dimension of this is also significant and deserves real acknowledgment. OCD frequently latches onto themes of morality and identity, and it can take genuine remorse and transform it into an unrelenting loop of rumination and self-interrogation that makes resolution feel impossible. Every time you get close to a moment of self-compassion, it pulls you back. This is one of the reasons that healing this particular wound likely requires working with a therapist who understands both OCD and shame, because the combination makes it extremely difficult to break the cycle alone.

The distancing from your loved ones, the inability to receive love or feel like you belong...this is one of shame's most damaging effects. Shame thrives in secrecy and isolation. That does not mean you owe anyone a disclosure, that is a deeply personal decision. But carrying this entirely alone for decades is a significant reason it has not healed. Finding even one safe, professional space to speak this out loud could interrupt that cycle in ways that private rumination simply cannot.

You said you feel like you deserve to feel this way forever. I want to gently push back on that...not to dismiss your accountability, but because punishment and healing are not the same thing. Punishing yourself indefinitely does not repair anything or protect anyone. It keeps you locked in suffering and unavailable to the people who love you. Accountability looks more like understanding what happened and why, committing to never repeating it, and living in a way that contributes something good. By everything you have written, you have already been doing all of those things for a very long time. Thank you again for reaching out to us.

Question 8

I dealt with sexual abuse and trauma from childhood into early adulthood. I never knew how to give or revoke consent because it had just been so murky all of my life. When my wife and I started dating, I would often have sex out of guilt of not "putting out." She didn't know I was uncomfortable. After much therapy and healing, I have started to learn what consent really means to me. But now I feel sickened at the idea of sex with her because of how our relationship started. What can I do?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this. First, I want to acknowledge how much courage and hard work it takes to reach the place you're describing, years of therapy, healing, and genuinely learning what consent means to you. That is no small thing, and it deserves to be acknowledged. Getting clearer about your own truth can suddenly make your entire past look different, and that new view can be painful.

What you're experiencing now makes a lot of sense. When we grow up without a safe or clear understanding of consent, our nervous systems often learn to survive rather than to choose. Having sex out of guilt or obligation is an incredibly common response for survivors. Psychologists sometimes call this fawn or appeasement behavior, ways of describing what happens when a person has learned, through repeated harm, to go along with things in order to stay safe or keep the peace. The nervous system, which is the body's internal communication network that decides whether you are safe or in danger, can develop a kind of protective numbness, like a circuit breaker that trips so you can get through something your body does not yet have words to refuse. This was not a choice you made. It was a coping mechanism, long before you ever met your wife.

Here is the complexity you are living inside right now: your wife did not harm you, and she did not have your full, free consent in those early moments either. Both of those things are true at the same time. She did not know. You did not know. And now you do know, and that knowledge sits heavy between who you were then and who you are becoming. The sickness you feel is not a verdict on your marriage or on her...it is your nervous system finally having the language to say: that was not okay for me. Many survivors reach a point in healing where intimacy that once felt manageable begins to feel impossible. This is sometimes called a healing crisis, a moment where the progress you have made actually makes things feel harder before they feel better. Your body is not punishing you. It is catching up.

It is completely okay to take sex off the table while you work through this. Intimacy does not require sex, and protecting yourself from experiences that currently feel harmful is not rejection...it is self-care, and it is also a form of honesty within your relationship.

The specific place you are in right now is nuanced and deserves professional support. If you are still in therapy, bringing this into the room with your therapist is one of the most important things you can do. If your current therapist hasn't yet helped you address intimacy and consent within your marriage specifically, that is worth raising directly. Approaches like EMDR or Somatic Experiencing, which is a body-based approach that helps release trauma stored physically, can be especially helpful for survivors whose bodies still hold the memory of these experiences even after the mind has done a great deal of work.

When you feel ready, and only when you feel ready, a conversation with your wife will likely become an important part of moving forward. You might begin simply, with something like: "I have been doing a lot of healing work and I am realizing I need us to slow down and reconnect in a new way." This opens a door without requiring you to walk through the entire house at once. A couples therapist trained in trauma and sexual intimacy can help create the conditions for that conversation to happen safely, so neither of you has to hold the weight of it alone.

You have already done the hardest part...surviving, healing, and learning to recognize your own experience as real and worth protecting. The work ahead is not starting over. It is building on everything you have already done. You are not alone.

Question 9

I shared a story on this platform and received insight that it was within the realms of typical childhood curiosity. I recently brought it up to the other person involved to apologize and ask if they remembered it happening. They said they had no memory of it and did not care. Now I am worried that by bringing it up, I may have reintroduced a memory for them, and I am scared they might remember or even report me. They insist they do not care. I also find myself wondering — if an adult had done this, it would technically be considered a crime, so should I be doing something, like turning myself in? How do I deal with all of this?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this. It makes sense that this conversation stirred up a lot of fear and uncertainty, even though you approached it with genuine care and a desire to take accountability.

They told you they have no memory of it and that they do not care. That is not a polite way of brushing you off...that is the most honest and complete answer they could have given you. You went to them with sincerity, you gave them a real opening to share anything they needed to share, and they used that opening to tell you they are okay. It is okay to receive that. It does not sound like you reintroduced a memory for them. You offered an apology to someone who is not hurting around this, and their response gave you something clear.

Memory does not work like a seed you can plant with a single conversation. A gentle, non-pressuring check-in from someone who genuinely wanted to make amends is very different from the kind of disclosure that causes harm. The anxiety telling you otherwise is not giving you accurate information. It is doing what anxiety does, which is finding the next thing to worry about once the first worry begins to settle.

Regarding your question about whether you should report yourself...what you described was previously assessed as falling within the range of typical childhood curiosity. The legal system does not prosecute adults for things they did as young children that were never reported, never harmed anyone, and that the other person does not remember or consider harmful. Walking into a police station to report something that the only other person involved says they have no memory of and do not care about would not result in the accountability you might be imagining. There is genuinely no legal process designed for what you are describing. What you are experiencing is the weight of a conscience that has been doing its job.

It is also worth naming that this pattern, where reassurance briefly helps and then worry shifts to the next possible consequence, is something therapists who work with OCD and anxiety recognize. The mind locks onto the fear of having caused harm and keeps moving the goalposts even when answers are clear. If this resonates, bringing it to a therapist with experience in OCD or intrusive thoughts could be genuinely meaningful. The path forward is not more reassurance-seeking, it is learning to sit with uncertainty without letting anxiety make your decisions for you.

You reached out to them. You received a clear answer. The next step is not turning yourself in...it is turning toward your own healing. You deserve that relief.

Question 10

I feel extreme guilt about kissing my younger cousin when we were both children...it wasn't just a peck. I feel like a predator who should be locked up, and I'm worried I may have caused them lasting harm. Is this guilt normal, and could I have caused lasting damage?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this. What you're carrying sounds incredibly heavy, and the fact that you're asking this question with such care for your cousin says a great deal about who you are. Guilt, especially when it attaches itself to something from childhood, can feel overwhelming and consuming.

Children who engage in sexual behaviors with other children are not predators. That word, and the weight it carries, belongs to a very different context. Children are naturally curious about bodies and physicality, and childhood sexual play (including behaviors that go beyond a simple peck) is far more common than most people realize. It does not indicate that a child is dangerous, deviant, or broken. What it most often indicates is a child who was curious and did not yet have the emotional or cognitive framework to understand what they were doing or why it might not be appropriate.

While children cannot legally or developmentally consent to sexual activity, researchers and clinicians look at specific factors when determining whether childhood sexual play is considered problematic or harmful. These include a significant age gap between the children involved, the presence of force, coercion, or threats, whether one child had authority or power over the other, and whether the behavior continued after one child expressed discomfort or tried to stop. Childhood sexual play that happens between children of similar ages and development, without coercion or force, is understood very differently than behavior that involves those elements. This does not mean the experience carries no weight...it means the context matters enormously when understanding what happened and what impact it may have had.

The guilt you feel is a sign of your conscience, your empathy, and your capacity for accountability, not evidence that you are a bad person or that something is fundamentally wrong with you. Those feelings are real, but they are not a verdict. A child does not possess the moral or cognitive development to fully understand the implications of their actions the way an adult does, and that distinction is an important one.

Regarding your concern about lasting harm to your cousin, the research on childhood sexual play suggests that the presence of harm, if any, is shaped by many of those same factors (e.g. how the experience was processed afterward, whether there was any coercion involved, and what support systems existed around the child). Many children who have experiences like this carry no lasting effects into adulthood.

If this guilt has been weighing on you for a long time, working through it with a trauma-informed therapist who has experience with childhood sexual development could offer you real relief. You deserve to process this with someone who can hold the full complexity of it with you. You do not have to carry this alone, and you do not have to keep punishing yourself for something you did as a child who did not yet understand. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 11

My partner had sex with me while I was blacked out and then told me about it afterward. When I questioned them, they changed their story multiple times...first saying I was making noises, and finally admitting I was asleep when they continued. I am his first-ever partner, so I am keeping that in mind. Something about this doesn't sit right with me, but it's been really difficult to leave because he has been so good to me in other ways. Why is it so hard to leave a relationship when something like this happens?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting us with something this painful and confusing. What comes through clearly in what you shared is that something happened that doesn't sit right with you, and you have been carrying that feeling while also trying to hold onto everything good in your relationship. That kind of inner conflict is exhausting, and the fact that you are paying attention to it even when it complicates something you value is really meaningful.

Without wanting to be too blunt, having sex with someone while they are blacked out or asleep is sexual assault. A person who is unconscious cannot consent, and consent means being awake, aware, and genuinely able to say yes or no in that moment. This is true regardless of the relationship, regardless of how experienced your partner is, and regardless of how loving or kind they are in other parts of your life.

I want to note that the changing story matters too. Your partner first suggested you were a willing participant by saying you were making noises. Then, when pressed, they admitted you were asleep and that they continued anyway. That shift is important. It suggests they understood, on some level, that what happened needed an explanation and that the first one wasn't enough. The sounds your body may or may not have made do not count as consent. A body can respond physically in ways that have nothing to do with desire, awareness, or agreement. That is biology, not permission. The confusion you are carrying right now is a direct result of someone shifting their account of what they did. You are not responsible for sorting out which version is true.

It makes complete sense that leaving feels so difficult. The brain naturally resists holding two truths at once: that someone can be genuinely kind and caring in many ways, and also capable of causing real harm. Both of those things can be true at the same time. Trauma bonds are real. They form when care and harm are mixed together in the same relationship, and they can make it feel almost impossible to walk away from someone who has also hurt you. The love is real. The good moments are real. And the harm is also real. You are allowed to hold all of that without having to choose which part to dismiss.

It's also worth gently noting that the context you've been holding (that this is their first relationship) does not transfer responsibility onto you or make what happened less serious. Inexperience does not explain away a choice to continue sexual activity with a sleeping, unconscious person.

If you feel ready to talk to someone directly, RAINN is a great resource. Their trained advocates are available around the clock, confidentially, and can help you think through your options and feelings without any pressure to take a particular action. You might also consider connecting with a trauma-informed therapist, particularly one who works with intimate partner sexual violence, as this specific kind of harm carries its own particular weight and confusion. If cost or access is a barrier, the therapist finder at psychologytoday.com allows you to filter by specialty and sliding scale fees.

You do not have to make any decisions right now about your relationship. You asked this question because something inside you is asking to be taken seriously. That instinct is sound. Something didn't sit right with you because something wasn't right. You deserve to feel safe and we are here for you. Thank you for reaching out to us.

Question 12

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

Accepted Answer

It is not uncommon for survivors to experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, including sexual arousal. This can be especially distressing for individuals who may feel guilty or ashamed for feeling aroused in response to a traumatic event.

Sexual arousal is a physical response that can occur even in the absence of sexual desire or consent. It is a physiological response that can be triggered by a wide range of stimuli, including thoughts, memories, and sensations. In the case of sexual assault survivors, it is possible that the body's natural response to physical stimulation may be triggered by memories or thoughts related to the assault, even if these thoughts and memories are not wanted or desired.

It is important to note that experiencing sexual arousal in response to memories of sexual assault is not an indication of consent or enjoyment of the assault. It is simply a physical response that the body may have learned to make in certain situations. If you are struggling with these feelings, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. They can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies to manage these difficult emotions.

Thank you for asking this tough question. You are not alone.

Question 13

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this extremely difficult question. Please know you are not alone and this does not invalidate the trauma you experienced. Arousal during sexual assault is a possible, but involuntary physiological response that does not imply consent or enjoyment. Resist the feelings of shame and self-blame that you are feeling. It is not your fault and your experiences are valid.

Survivors can experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, especially if they believe they experienced sexual arousal. Sexual arousal is a physical response that can occur even in the absence of sexual desire or consent. Arousal can be caused by fear, excitation transfer, nerve stimulation, or other factors. It is possible that your body's natural response to physical stimulation was triggered during your experience, even if those feelings are not wanted or desired.

To bring forward some research, of those who report sexual violence, it is estimated that around 1 in 20 people also describe experiencing orgasm. But the true numbers are likely much higher. For example, in a 2004 review paper, a clinician reports, “I (have) met quite a lot of victims (males) who had the full sexual response during sexual abuse…I (have) met several female victims of incest and rape who had lubrication and orgasm.” This further emphasizes that this is something many people struggle with, and there is nothing to be ashamed of.

If you are struggling with these feelings, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. I know it can feel embarassing to bring this up to your therapist, but if they have a background in sexual trauma, this is probably something they have heard before from other clients. Trained mental health providers can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies to manage these difficult emotions. If you feel your therapist will not understand, perhaps you would benefit from some complementary support from others who are more knowledgable about the diverse ways trauma and violence can manifest. You do not need to go through this alone.

Thank you for asking this tough question. We are here for you if you need us.

Question 14

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

Accepted Answer

The healing process can be an opportunity to regain the control and autonomy that is often taken away during a traumatic experience. You are in the driver seat of your recovery and you decide how you want to navigate your healing and what’s best for you.

Setting goals or benchmarks is one way to measure your growth and celebrate small wins as you recover after trauma. If you choose to set goals, remember that everyone heals in their own way and in their own time.

Be patient with your progress and compassionate toward yourself. Try not to compare your own growth to someone else’s—your path to recovery is yours and only yours.

What do you want to achieve? It can help to think about what’s important to you and what inspires you. You can work on something personal (like thinking more positively) or something more tangible (like making time for friends you’ve lost touch with).

Choosing goals that are specific and measurable makes them easier to achieve. Saying one kind thing to yourself daily for two weeks is a specific and measurable goal to think more positively. You can easily track it and tell if you’ve successfully accomplished it or not.

Once you choose a goal, think about whether it’s realistic for where you are right now in your healing process. Be gentle with yourself and the benchmarks you select. It’s okay if you don’t achieve a goal you set the first time. Large goals can be broken into smaller, more easily attainable goals. No goal is too small. Keep things simple. You will get there.

It’s helpful to have a mix of both short and long-term goals. How many goals are you focusing on at the same time? Focusing your attention on 2-3 goals at a time can make it easier to keep track of them.

You don’t have to recover or set goals alone. It’s okay to reach out to people you trust. Extra support and motivation can help you achieve your goals. It’s up to you to decide who you want to involve in your recovery process, even if it’s just having someone to celebrate with.

When you accomplish a goal, take a moment to take in your achievement. Acknowledge and celebrate growth, even if it’s small. It’s proof that you are still moving forward. Healing from trauma is hard work. It is not a straight-forward or easy process. It takes time, and you may experience setbacks along the way, but you can do it.

Question 15

When I was young, my younger sibling who was 6 at the time repeatedly engaged in sexual acts with me over the course of a week. I allowed it to happen because it felt good at the time and I didn't think it was wrong. Does this count as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us. What you've described is a complex and confusing situation that some children face, but aren't sure how to make sense of as adults. Developmentally, it's common for children, especially young ones, to explore their bodies and engage in sexual play with other children as part of learning about their bodies and sexuality. In this vein, some degree of exploratory play between siblings is also not unusual, particularly if there hasn't been a lot of education about boundaries. However, depending on the specific circumstances, duration, and aftermath of sibling sexual play, these experiences can sometimes fall into a complex area known as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA).

There are many reasons a young child might initiate sexual behavior. In some cases, it may be a sign that they themselves have experienced abuse and are acting out what was done to them. However, even children who have not been abused may engage in sexual behavior due to curiosity, lack of boundaries, imitating something they saw in media, seeking physical closeness, or simply discovering that touching certain body parts feels good. At 6 years old, your sibling likely did not fully grasp the implications of their actions or have any abusive intent.

However, this doesn't necessarily mean the experience was harmless for you. Even when the other child is quite young and the touch felt physically pleasurable, sibling sexual experiences can still feel violating or traumatic, especially from an adult perspective. If you're struggling with distress, shame, confusion or other difficult emotions related to this memory, your feelings are valid. The events may have impacted you in ways that are worth processing with a compassionate professional.

You might consider reaching out to a counselor who has experience helping adults work through confusing or distressing childhood sexual experiences. They can provide a safe, non-judgmental space for you to explore your memories and feelings. If you feel safe and comfortable, you could also consider discussing the situation with your sibling to get a sense of their perspective and experience. They may be struggling with their own conflicted feelings and memories. However, don't feel obligated to take this step if it doesn't feel right to you.

Most importantly, remember that you were a child dealing with a situation you should never have had to navigate alone. Practice self-compassion as you reflect on and work through this experience. What happened was not your fault. Reach out for further processing and help if you need it. Thank you again for trusting us with this experience.

Question 16

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for your question. If you have not experienced any form of gender-based harm, it might be hard to imagine why survivors who go through these horrific experiences do not always report them. Unfortunately, due to the characteristics of one's sexual harm experience, the lack of protection for survivors, and historical injustices within the criminal-legal system, gender-based violence is the most underreported crime. For example, it is estimated that 63% of sexual assaults are not reported to police and only 12% of child sexual abuse is reported to the authorities.

There are many reasons why survivors may feel hesitant to report their experience. We will list a few of these reasons below:

It is not safe for them to report the assault at this time or they fear perpetrator or family retaliation.
They want to put the incident behind them or forget it happened.
They aren’t sure that what happened meets the legal definition of sexual assault or rape.
They are in shock.
They feel shame or self-blame.
They fear not being believed or being socially isolated from friends or family
They fear being blamed.
They fear being revictimized by law enforcement or the court.
They fear that they will not receive justice.
They fear that their offender will not be held accountable.

Whatever the reason, and there are many more, remember that ultimately it is the survivor's choice whether or not they want to report their experience. For some, reporting is not necessary for their healing. Others just do not want to go through any additional trauma or heartache. Support and respect the choices the survivors in your life make related to reporting. This will make you a valuable ally as they navigate healing in the aftermath.

References

Rennison, C. A. (2002). Rape and sexual assault: Reporting to police and medical attention, 1992-2000 [NCJ 194530]. Retrieved from the U.S. Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, Bureau of Justice Statistics: http://bjs.ojp.usdoj.gov/content/pub/pdf/rsarp00.pdf

Hanson, R. F., Resnick, H. S., Saunders, B. E., Kilpatrick, D. G., & Best, C. (1999). Factors related to the reporting of childhood rape. Child Abuse and Neglect, 23,559–569. doi:10.1016/S0145-2134(99)00028-9

Question 17

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

Accepted Answer

When a loved one is going through a difficult time in their healing journey, they may look to you for support or encouragement.  However, it is important to remember that your own mental health is important too. Trauma is extremely painful and sometimes no matter what you do as a bystander, it can feel like not enough. At times like these, you may need to set boundaries to ensure that your needs are addressed as well.

Setting boundaries can be difficult, especially if you have not had much practice. First, think about what your needs and limits are. This can include the level of financial, emotional, and physical help you are willing to provide. When you are ready, share with your loved one in a calm situation, rather than in the heat of the moment. Use “I” statements to show your perspective. After you have communicated these boundaries, it is important to follow through and re-emphasize them when needed. Resist feelings of guilt. This does not mean you do not care about them.

You can also help by suggesting other means of support. Therapists or local crisis centers have experience working with people with trauma and are trained to help. You may also find these services helpful for your own processing. It is not uncommon for local crisis centers to  also offer services for loved ones of those who have experienced trauma.

Just because someone has experienced trauma, does not mean that they have a right to take their anger out on you. If you feel that you are being verbally, physically, or sexually harmed, set a limit if it feels safe, remove yourself from the situation, and seek help if you need it.

It can be difficult to help your friends if you run out of emotional or physical energy. Focusing on your own self-care is not selfish, it sometimes may be necessary. As the saying goes, put your mask on first...then offer assistance.

Question 18

How do I understand why something triggers me?

Accepted Answer

Highly emotional & stressful experiences “trigger” a part of the brain called the amygdala. Usually, the amygdala is helpful and works to keep us safe from dangerous situations by activating a fear response.

After a traumatic experience, the amygdala can become overactive, causing fear responses even if you are not in any danger. Your reaction may be to fight, flee, or freeze, interfering with daily tasks and functioning, even if you’re in a completely safe situation.

Sometimes triggers are more obvious—like seeing violence on a tv show or hearing about it on the news. It makes sense why watching or hearing something traumatic would bring up memories or feelings from your own trauma.

Other times, triggers can feel more subtle or hard to anticipate. They can include just about anything--from hearing a song, to hugging someone, to smelling something, to the way a piece of fabric or clothing feels, or even just going to a doctor’s appointment.

While triggers can feel isolating & scary, especially when they happen in public or around other people, know that you are not alone. Over two-thirds of survivors of sexual assault report experiencing triggers.

Over time you can identify the situations that might trigger you. Anticipating these situations and learning relaxation strategies can make it easier to cope with them. While it feels good to avoid triggers in the short-term, it’s not always possible to predict all potential triggers.

Experiencing a trigger in a safe situation that does not pose danger & coping with it, can help your amygdala re-learn that these cues aren’t actually signs of real danger. This process can help decrease the intensity & frequency of triggers over time.

Many survivors of trauma or viσlence will notice an improvement in post-traumatic symptoms naturally over time. For others, these symptoms might not improve on their own & can interfere with their daily lives.

If you notice that your triggers are affecting you & not improving, you might consider reaching out to your social network for support or consider seeking professional help to navigate recovery. You know yourself best & what type of support sounds right to you.

Question 19

I got assaulted, but I don’t really feel anything...is something wrong with me?

Accepted Answer

The short answer is...no not at all. It is quite common for survivors to feel emotionally detached or drained after experiencing an assault, perhaps even at times feeling unaware of what is happening around them. Survivors can also experience feelings of denial, disbelief, or numbness as a reaction to their assault experience. These reactions should never be confused with "not caring" or with the assault being “not serious.” These feelings are how our body is coping with our experience, protecting us from its intensity. The body’s reaction to stress in this way is often viewed as a survival strategy and can be useful when we have to take some action, such as getting out of a violent situation, weighing our options, or making an appointment with a professional.

It is important to note that numbness is not the only emotional shock reaction that you may exhibit. Other normal reactions include: crying uncontrollably, laughing nervously, extreme fatigue, or withdrawing. It is important to be prepared, however, that as you process your experience, the initial numbness may fade. If you would like company, surround yourself with trusted others. Or think about other strategies you can use that have helped in times of crisis in the past. No matter what you are feeling, recognize that these are normal reactions to trauma, and you do not need to face them all on your own.

Question 20

How can I deal with “bad days” when I am healing from trauma?

Accepted Answer

Healing from trauma is not a linear process, and it’s common and completely normal to have days that feel a lot worse than others. Having a bad day does not mean you are not improving. It does not mean that you are getting worse.

If you take a step back and think about where you were when you first began your healing process, it can help you see the larger picture and find the improvements you have made and the growth you’ve experienced.

Throughout recovery, it’s important to be kind to yourself. Some days will be easier than others and some days will be harder. You do not have to hold yourself to the same standards and expectations as your best day. It is okay to be gentle with yourself, to prioritize your mental well-being, and to take it easy—if you are able.

Try to engage in an activity that you enjoy or that has helped you feel better in the past when you’ve had a difficult day. This could be a calm or relaxing activity like reading a book or watching a tv show, it could also be an opportunity to express how you are feeling through art or writing.

If talking to other people is your preferred way to relax and feel better, reach out to a friend, partner, or someone who you trust. It is okay to reach out for help on a difficult day.

Even years into recovery, it’s normal to have a bad day pop up unexpectedly now and again. Sometimes a triggering experience can set off a bad day, but other times they just appear out of the blue.

However, the further you get into your recovery journey, the stronger you become at recognizing the signs that a difficult day is happening. You become more resilient and able to cope with the feelings and challenges that accompany a bad trauma day.

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Questions & Answers

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Topics

I don't think I was abused as a child, but starting in high school I began having fleeting relationships with lots of sex. It was common in my friend group. I've continued a pattern of being attracted to people who treat me badly. How can I change this pattern?

I feel extreme guilt about kissing my younger cousin when we were both children...it wasn't just a peck. I feel like a predator who should be locked up, and I'm worried I may have caused them lasting harm. Is this guilt normal, and could I have caused lasting damage?

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

When I was young, my younger sibling who was 6 at the time repeatedly engaged in sexual acts with me over the course of a week. I allowed it to happen because it felt good at the time and I didn't think it was wrong. Does this count as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)?

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

How do I understand why something triggers me?

I got assaulted, but I don’t really feel anything...is something wrong with me?

How can I deal with “bad days” when I am healing from trauma?

I feel extreme guilt about kissing my younger cousin when we were both children...it wasn't just a peck. I feel like a predator who should be locked up, and I'm worried I may have caused them lasting harm. Is this guilt normal, and could I have caused lasting damage?

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

I got assaulted, but I don’t really feel anything...is something wrong with me?

I don't think I was abused as a child, but starting in high school I began having fleeting relationships with lots of sex. It was common in my friend group. I've continued a pattern of being attracted to people who treat me badly. How can I change this pattern?

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

How can I deal with “bad days” when I am healing from trauma?

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

When I was young, my younger sibling who was 6 at the time repeatedly engaged in sexual acts with me over the course of a week. I allowed it to happen because it felt good at the time and I didn't think it was wrong. Does this count as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)?

How do I understand why something triggers me?

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