Find Answers to Your Questions ~ Our Wave Community

Question 1

What does it mean to be loved?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for your question. It's a fundamental question.

I think being loved means feeling truly safe when you're with someone and feeling like "the other person is really paying attention to me."
It's a relationship where your feelings, boundaries, and needs are respected without being denied.

True love and compassion is not about getting special favors.
It's in the little things that accumulate every day, such as the other person being there for you and accepting you as you are.

Love may mean someone listening carefully when you share your fears.
It may be that they offer kind words of encouragement when you are going through a difficult time.
And I think it's about creating a place where you can be yourself.

A loving connection isn't a relationship where only one person has to work hard.
It's a relationship where we trust each other and feel comfortable opening up to each other.
Even if I have days when I lose confidence in myself, that person's warmth reminds me that I am someone who is cherished.

Feeling loved helps us realize that it's okay to value our feelings and that our voices have power.
And above all, it makes you feel like you don't have to live alone.

Someone is there for you, respects your experience, and genuinely cares about you.
I think that's what it means to be loved.

Question 2

What is an equal relationship?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for your essential question. Let me share my thoughts on an "equal relationship."

I think an "equal relationship" is one in which both parties feel safe and respected . It's a relationship in which you can express your feelings and thoughts, as well as important boundaries, such as "this is okay, but I don't want to go any further," without worrying about being rejected, ignored, or scolded.

No one person makes decisions or takes the lead, and both people's opinions are equally valued.
Even if we disagree on something, we will listen to what the other person has to say, respect each other's feelings, and work together to find a solution that is good for both of us.

The two people don't have to have the same personalities, strengths, or weaknesses.
I think the important thing is to be considerate of others, face them honestly, and be open with each other .

Being able to feel safe and think, "It's okay to express my feelings."
And make sure that what you say is properly received.

By doing these things repeatedly, trust will grow over time, and a relationship that is comfortable, safe, and supportive for both parties will be created.

Question 3

When I was around 7, another child who was about a year older introduced me to sexual activity and asked if I wanted to participate. I was shy and a people pleaser, so I said yes without understanding what it meant. We engaged in sexual behaviors together. I only recently realized this experience might have been harmful. Does this count as COCSA?

Accepted Answer

I'm so glad you reached out, and I want you to know that it's completely understandable to feel uncertain about labeling this experience, especially given how young you both were at the time. When children as young as seven or eight engage in sexual behavior, it can be confusing to make sense of later in life, particularly when thinking about concepts like consent and understanding at that age. Children in that age range generally do not have the emotional or developmental capacity to fully understand or consent to sexual activities. Without realizing it, one child might be imitating behaviors they have encountered or trying to make sense of things they've seen, heard, or learned elsewhere, even though neither child fully grasps what they are doing.

The term "COCSA" (child-on-child sexual abuse) sometimes applies when there is any type of sexual interaction between children that involves a power imbalance, coercion, confusion, or behavior that goes beyond typical childhood curiosity. What you're describing (e.g. not understanding what sex entailed and saying yes because you were shy and wanted to please) suggests you weren't in a position to give informed consent. However, it's also true that the other child was very young too and may not have understood the significance of what was happening either. Both of these things can be true at once.

What matters most is how this early experience has affected you. It's really common for people to spend years not thinking much about childhood sexual experiences, only to have them resurface later with new awareness or feelings. Our minds often wait until we feel safer or stronger to understand and process confusing childhood events. The fact that you're now recognizing this experience as potentially significant is part of understanding yourself better, not something you did wrong by not realizing sooner. If you're feeling unsure or distressed when remembering it, that matters. It signals that this experience has had an impact on you.

At the same time, not everyone who had childhood sexual experiences with other children feels harmed by them, and that's okay too. What you call this experience and how you feel about it is entirely up to you. Your emotions about this are valid, whatever they are. Some people feel confused because the other person was also young, or because they technically said yes, or because it didn't feel violent or scary at the time. Your response to this experience matters more than any specific label. You get to decide what this means to you.

If this memory continues to trouble you or if you have lingering questions, please consider reaching out for support. Talking it through with a trusted friend, counselor, or confidential resource that understands childhood sexual dynamics might help bring clarity and self-compassion. Many people find it helpful to work with a therapist who specializes in childhood experiences and can provide a nonjudgmental space to explore your feelings. You are not to blame for what happened, and it doesn't make you "bad" or responsible for someone else's actions at that age. You didn't do anything wrong, and you deserve care and healing as you make sense of this experience and its impact on your life. You deserve patience and kindness as you gain insight into this experience, and you don't have to figure it out alone.

Question 4

What should I do about my anger towards the perpetrator?

Accepted Answer

First, let me tell you that feeling anger towards someone who has hurt you is a very natural and valid reaction.
There is no need to blame yourself or feel ashamed of your feelings, thinking, "I shouldn't be feeling this way" or "I should forgive the other person." The fact that you feel anger speaks to the fact that you have been hurt.

Sometimes, anger can come over you in waves so strong that it's hard to process. Anger is a natural response to injustice and unfairness, especially when your important boundaries and dignity are violated.
If you are aware of your anger, it means that you are trying to feel and value your own emotions. Your emotions are born to protect you. Please don't forget that.

You don't have to force yourself to forgive, or try to dismiss or minimize your anger, but it's also important to find ways to gradually let it out in a way that doesn't cause you more pain or burden you with shame or guilt.

Some people find it supportive to have someone they can trust listen to them without being judged or rejected. This can be a friend, family member, counselor, trauma care professional, or anyone else. Putting your feelings into words and entrusting them to someone who will simply listen can be an important step in giving your anger and pain a place to live.

For others, writing in a journal, expressing themselves through art or music, or gently moving their body by taking a walk can help them safely release the emotions that have built up inside them. What works for each person is different, so it's okay to choose a method that feels even slightly comfortable to you.

Anger is not an emotion that needs to be "turned off" in order for trauma to heal. It is an important part of your recovery process that should be acknowledged and respected. With time and support, anger often changes form, and even if it doesn't go away completely, it may become more manageable and less overwhelming.

Furthermore, in the process of recovering from such betrayal or deep hurt, it is not uncommon for other emotions, such as sadness or fear, to quietly exist beneath the anger. These are all natural reactions, evidence that the mind and body are responding to the deep wounds.
If you feel that it is too difficult to deal with on your own, one important option is to seek professional support, such as a counselor who understands trauma.

You deserve support to work through these strong emotions without hurting anyone else, and most importantly, without hurting yourself.

Any page is fine.
I hope that you can gently give yourself permission to feel that way, treat yourself kindly, and move forward little by little, at your own pace.

Question 5

When I was pretty drunk at a university drinking party, I met a male senior in front of the restroom and he pulled me in with him. Even if I remember, it's hard to get along with him, so I've forgotten, but I think he touched me in various ways. I think he was just messing around, but I keep thinking about what would have happened if [name] hadn't come and teased me. I avoid passing by that store in [place name]. Is what happened to me sexual violence, and is it traumatic for me? What should I do?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for reaching out to us in this time of confusion.

The experience you described - being dragged into a bathroom by an older man while you were drunk and having him touch you without your consent - is a very serious incident.
Even if the other person was just joking around or had been drinking, it is never acceptable for them to touch you without your permission .
These acts could be considered sexual violence .

However, rather than jumping to conclusions with questions like, "Is this sexual violence?" or "Is it traumatic?", we recommend that you first talk to someone you feel comfortable talking to about how you felt .
Especially when the other person is someone close to you, you tend to prioritize your relationship with that person and put your own feelings on the back burner.
Talking to people who value and accept your feelings will be an important support for you in the future.

I feel that there may still be anxiety, confusion, and hurt feelings inside you because you keep remembering the incident and avoiding the place.

This confusion and ambiguity is a natural reaction to protect yourself, and avoiding the situation or remembering it is also a sign that your mind is trying to protect you.

Please remember: everyone has the right to feel safe and respected.
Acknowledge how you are feeling and know that you are not alone.

Speaking it out loud will help you take back some of your power .
I sincerely hope that you will not carry the burden alone, but will walk the path to healing with someone.
Thank you so much for providing us with such important advice.

Question 6

I am currently undergoing treatment for complex PTSD, which includes psychological abuse, sexual trauma, and power harassment. While I still experience many traumatic emotions, physical flashbacks, negative cognitions, and emotional instability, treatment has helped me to experience much more positive emotions and sensations. I experience fluctuations between hyperarousal and hypoarousal throughout the day, struggle to get more than six hours of sleep, and my physical energy has declined significantly due to depression. I'm still emotionally unstable, but I'd appreciate any recommendations for relaxation techniques I can do at home or when I occasionally go out for short periods of time, or ways to regain positive emotions and sensations. I'd also appreciate any tips on what to be careful of. Of course, I plan to consult with my doctor and adjust my medication accordingly.

Accepted Answer

You've been working incredibly bravely in the face of Complex PTSD and the vicissitudes of your physical and mental stress response. Even if it doesn't feel like it every day, noticing small positive emotional changes is a sign of progress.

While you may feel calmer or more cheerful at times, it's natural for anxiety and low energy to return. These waves can be exhausting at times, but they're also a sign that your mind and body are learning new rhythms.

To release tension in your mind and body and help you feel safe, try small things that remind your body that you are safe in the present moment. For example:

Breathe in slowly through your nose, hold for a moment, and then breathe out slowly through your mouth
Holding a cold drink, pressing your feet against the ground, noticing the colors and textures around you

These small actions can bring your mind back to the present moment during times of hyperarousal. This is called "grounding."

When you're feeling low on energy, lethargic, or numb, doing some light stretching or using your favorite scent (such as soap or a candle) can help you gradually regain your physical senses without putting a strain on your emotions. On days when you can go outside even just for a short while, soaking up the sunlight or focusing on natural things like the wind or the shape of the leaves can also help calm your mind. However, unexpected emotions may arise during these "grounding" activities. When this happens, it's important not to force yourself to continue, but to check in with yourself to see if the stimulation is too strong. By asking yourself, "Am I feeling calm or anxious right now?" you can decide whether to continue, change your method, or take a break.

Disrupted sleep is common during trauma recovery. You say you're not getting enough sleep right now, but it can help to create a bedtime routine that signals to your brain that it's time to rest. For example, dim the lights, listen to calming sounds, or read a short book. Over time, you'll gradually get your body back into a restful rhythm.

Please be sure to consult with your doctor before trying any relaxation techniques or routines, as they may increase flashbacks or physical pain. It's important to be gentle with yourself. It's easy to feel irritable or depressed on days when painful memories return or your energy levels drop, but this isn't a sign of failure; it's part of the recovery process. Whatever technique you try, if you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, take it easy and progress slowly at your own pace.

You've already put in a lot of hard work and commitment to healing from your experiences and trauma. Some days you may not feel any change, but every little bit you're taking steps to feel more peace, joy, and safety is a sign of your recovery.

Over time, these moments of relief will gradually increase. Listen carefully to your body and feelings, consult with your doctor, and gradually incorporate methods that work for you. You are not alone. There will be difficult days, but please encourage yourself as you make progress toward recovery by telling yourself, "You're doing great!" and giving yourself a gentle hug.

Question 7

I suffer from complex PTSD and have endured significant hardships, including long-term abuse, sexual trauma, power harassment, and medical trauma. Although I'm recovering, my physical and mental health is still unstable. I still harbor a great deal of pain, resentment, and questions about the abuse I suffered. However, I want to recover, and I want to fully embrace the words, advice, and treatment of my doctor and counselor, who will help me gradually unravel these issues. Through various conversations, study, and answers to my questions here, I'm beginning to recognize the structure of my trauma and my own problems and challenges. I often find myself realizing the implications of what my doctor and counselor say later. However, during consultations and counseling sessions, I often find myself emotionally arguing, focusing on my own pain and suffering. I know the first step is to improve my physical condition and not rush into things, but how can I stop being so obsessed with my own abuse and move forward, even if only gradually? I feel like I might not be able to accept it right away, and I'll have to search for the right path. However, even though I've received advice and treatment and am being treated with care to avoid re-traumatization, I feel like I'm still perceiving it as a victim and re-traumatizing myself. I'd appreciate any advice on how to stop this cycle. For example, would it be a good idea to use chat or phone counseling to try to release as much of the pent-up sadness and resentment as possible?

Accepted Answer

I could really feel that you have been carrying a lot of pain and burdens for a long time, and yet you have a strong desire to recover.

The road to trauma recovery is a bumpy one. Even though you know healing is possible, painful memories may resurface and you may feel frustrated, confused, or angry. This does not mean you are weak or have failed; it is a natural process as your mind tries to process what happened to you. Even if you feel like you're "stuck," this is part of the recovery process.

Your desire to trust your doctor or counselor is a very important step. If the advice stays with you even after the consultation, it's proof that your new understanding is slowly taking root. It may take some time for it to become a stable, real feeling. Even if you understand the importance of professional help, it's often difficult to accept it in the moment. Please don't blame yourself. Those waves of emotion are also a natural resistance of the mind to re-experiencing painful memories.

It's also common to feel like you're reliving the trauma. Your mind and body may repeat the same patterns as they try to process the experience. This can be very exhausting. At times like these, it can be helpful to let out your feelings little by little in a safe space. If you feel safe, phone or chat counseling is a gentle way to gradually release your sadness and anger. Of course, you're always welcome in this community as a safe space to talk about your experiences and feelings. Feel free to try it at your own pace.

You don't have to make all the progress on the road to recovery at once. For example, consciously taking deep breaths, or remembering new insights from your counselor when painful memories or emotions from the past surface—even small moments like these are significant steps forward. Even if difficult moments come in waves, the fact that you can think, "How can I get through this?" or "I want to recover even just a little" is itself a sign of your strength and that you are on the path to recovery.

Holding on to painful memories and emotions from the past isn't a sign of weakness or selfishness; it's a sign that your wounds are still healing. You have the resilience to struggle with them and find a way out.

Please be kind to yourself and reach out for support that you feel comfortable with. Even small steps like phone or chat consultations, journaling, guided therapy, or self-care techniques are fine. With professional help and consistent self-kindness and compassion, you can gradually ease the weight of painful memories and move towards greater freedom and stability in your daily life. You deserve it.

Question 8

I'm a middle-aged woman who was recently diagnosed with complex PTSD in response to another question. I've experienced abuse at home from my parents and older sister, religious abuse from high school students, power harassment, sexual assault, and denial and misdiagnosis of my symptoms from medical professionals. I mentioned earlier about sexual assault (rape twice, persistent molestation, attempted sexual assault at age 4, and being molested by an exhibitionist), but I've also had other sexual experiences. When I was 4, I was scolded for masturbating and developed an inflammation, so I went to the hospital for a checkup. I learned that it was scary, wrong, and something to hide, but also that it felt good. Also, when I was in fifth grade, I saw a man secretly lift up my friend's skirt while she was standing in front of the playground equipment next to me to look at her underwear. My friend didn't notice and couldn't make a sound, but I felt fear and a strange excitement. Since college, I've been approached by someone I respected, but when we started a relationship, he neglected me and told me he'd abandon his wife and children, so I should marry him. I also had a relationship with a senior colleague I was close to and respected, but who had a girlfriend. We had sex for the first time, but he became cold immediately after we had sex. The second time, he said he wouldn't do it unless I asked him first, so we did, but he became cold again immediately after we had sex. However, we continued to be close. Acquaintances and friends often invite me into sexual relationships, and I've had many relationships because I wanted to be liked and found it difficult to say no, which made me sexually promiscuous. Even in relationships, it was often primarily physical, and I wasn't satisfied. I feel like it's my own fault because I had such a strong desire to satisfy my desires and connect with others, and I also have stronger sexual urges than most. I currently work as a counselor once a week, but I'm not feeling well, and I can only handle half a day of my health, so I've been advised to take a leave of absence. I suffer from hyperarousal, depression, and emotional instability. Chat GPT often talks about the worst situations I've ever lived through, but I wonder if these kinds of influences really do have a profound effect on my life, personality, and sexual tendencies. There are some things I understand because I'm a supporter, but when it comes to myself, I really don't understand, and I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone, not even my doctor. I still don't feel much from my sexual experiences, and it feels like my way of thinking is going in a strange direction. Are my sexual trauma experiences, sexual promiscuity, and all the traumas I've had up until now really destroying my mind that much? It's true that I've lived because I can't die, but I wanted to die every day. Were my sexual experiences and other traumas causing so much damage that it wouldn't have been strange if I had died? I wonder if I'll recover and calm down someday.

Accepted Answer

You have experienced so much pain in your life, and each one of them must have weighed heavily on your mind, body, and daily life.
When you experience a series of abuse, betrayal, neglect, and broken trust, it's no wonder you don't know how much to trust yourself, the people around you, or how to form close relationships with others.

Many people who have had such experiences may suffer from deep confusion, mood swings, and a strong sense of tension (hyperarousal).
You may start to doubt whether your past sexual experiences and traumas were really that bad, or you may feel like you can't continue living like this. The fact that you feel this much pain tells you how deeply and for how long you have been hurt.

Although the painful events you have experienced in your life may seem separate, they are actually deeply connected.
Childhood abuse, sexual violence, complicated family relationships—these all influence one another, leaving you with profound doubts about your worth, your sense of normality in relationships, and your freedom to make choices.

Even if you feel embarrassed about your strong sexual urges, that doesn't negate the hurt and pain you've experienced. This can leave many people feeling guilty and confused, thinking, "Maybe it was my fault." However, the responsibility for ignoring or overstepping your boundaries always lies with those who do so, not with you. It's not your fault.

The fact that you feel like you're only alive because you couldn't die is proof that your safety and hopes have been shaken to such an extent. But now you've realized that you're suffering, you've looked into your feelings, and you've come here to speak out. That in itself is certainly an important step towards recovery. It's also proof that there's still hope within you.

In the journey to recovery from deep trauma, there are many times when you feel confused, blame yourself, and feel extremely exhausted, because it's not just your body that's been hurt, it's your very being.

There may be days when you think, "I'll never be able to go back to peace."
However, if you can feel a sense of relief even for just a moment, that is the beginning of recovery.
As these small moments of relief accumulate, your heart will slowly begin to heal.

During this process, receiving professional support with an understanding of complex trauma can be extremely helpful. Trauma-sensitive support can help organize events that may have felt separate, such as childhood experiences, religious or family issues, or the suffering caused by medical misdiagnosis, into a single "story." In this way, the pain of feeling like the pain of the past is still continuing can be gradually unravelled.

Also, people like you who are in a position to support others can feel confused and helpless when facing their own pain. Even if you have a deep understanding of other people's trauma, when it comes to your own, you may not know how to deal with it—that's very natural. There's no need to think, "My problem isn't a big deal."
Your experiences are profound and truly important.

Taking time to feel healed at your own pace will help you gradually regain peace of mind. If you are afraid to talk to a doctor or supporter right now, don't force yourself, and try starting with small things.

The important thing is not to take your pain lightly, and please say kind words to yourself like, "You've made it this far." You've survived experiences that could have broken you.

Even if you are suffering now, this situation will not last forever.
Over time, with support, you will gradually find moments of calm and glimmers of hope.

You are never alone.
And you're not out of reach of help.

Even if the road seems long, please remember this.
You are irreplaceable.

There is a path forward, and the strength and support to walk that path are already here.

Question 9

I suffer from complex PTSD and have endured psychological and religious abuse from my family since childhood, multiple sexual assaults, and power harassment. I was misdiagnosed, denied my trauma, and treated poorly by several private physicians who downplayed my symptoms and suffering. Even in these circumstances, counselors focused on somatic approaches to trauma without providing psychological education or stabilization, resulting in medical trauma and re-traumatization. As a result, I was unable to seek proper treatment until recently. My health continued to deteriorate, and I was unable to continue working, so I left. I have a trusting relationship with my current counselor and doctor, and I am currently at the same hospital, but due to certain circumstances, I am likely to change doctors and hospitals. While my sleep disorders have continued to improve, I suffer from rapid dissociation, hyperarousal, and high-functioning, high-introspection symptoms that are difficult to break down in public. I have also had chronic suicidal ideation since childhood, and when my symptoms are severe, I sometimes wish I could die. My divorce coincided with the past few months, and I was feeling unwell. For the past two months, I would experience hyperventilation, trembling, and dizziness when I called for a consultation or thought about separation. In the past, I would experience physical and emotional flashbacks of abuse, power harassment, and bullying, even before they worsened. These flashbacks would occur for hours, even when I was alone. Treatment has helped me feel much better, but I'm now afraid of contact from my family. I still have flashbacks of the sexual assault trauma, sometimes waking up in the middle of the night or during the day. My sleep has been disrupted, and I've been unable to sleep at all lately. I've had to adjust my medication several times, and now I can't maintain five to six or seven hours of sleep without taking six different medications, including antipsychotics, mood stabilizers, and anti-anxiety medications. Even before my appointment, I would experience symptoms and be forced to rest in bed. I'm taking anti-anxiety medication within the limit a few times a day. University hospitals have been considered, but given my symptoms, would it be better to see a doctor there? Finding a trauma specialist for complex PTSD and a specialized clinic is a struggle. Even when I speak to the public health center, they only give me a search page, so I can only rely on their website, which I don't really understand. Just thinking about a specialized clinic scares me to tears because of past medical trauma. Nothing has been decided yet, so we'll have to start next year and discuss it, and I don't think I'll be doing all the paperwork myself, but I'm constantly anxious and scared, and it makes me cry. There are times when I'm so exhausted I can't even read my favorite books, and I'm also going to have to discuss mental health welfare certificates and disability pensions. If I need to change my doctor or hospital, would it be better to consider a university hospital? I live in the second largest metropolitan area in Japan, divided into eight blocks.

Accepted Answer

You've been carrying a lot on your own for a long time.
What you've shared with us—your long journey seeking trauma-sensitive support, your repeated encounters with misdiagnoses and inadequate support, and your chronic hypervigilance and flashbacks—speaks to how much your mind and body have been through.

Having had repeated experiences of being hurt in medical settings where they should have received help, it is only natural that they would be cautious and wary of new medical professionals.
Larger medical institutions, such as university hospitals, may have departments and teams that specialize in complex trauma-related conditions and use research-based approaches, including psychologists and psychiatrists who understand complex PTSD and its underlying causes.

However, this does not necessarily guarantee that you will be able to receive "immediate relief" or "trauma-informed interaction that is tailored to you." Whether you find a truly supportive clinical environment, whether at a university hospital or a private clinic, ultimately depends largely on whether the doctors and support staff are willing to respect your pace, listen carefully to what you have to say, and not rush you into unnecessary treatment.

The trust you have built with your current counselor, despite the many difficulties you have experienced up until now, is a great source of strength for you. If you must change hospitals for some reason, one way to go about it is to ask your current supporter if they can introduce you to a reliable specialist institution or medical professional.

Even when considering a large medical institution, it can be helpful to communicate in advance what you need to feel at ease. For example, asking them to review your medical history before your first visit, ensuring sufficient consultation time, and sharing your triggers and points to consider in advance. Having a trusted person accompany you in situations where flashbacks or hyperarousal are likely to occur is also an important way to protect yourself.

Given your past experiences, it is natural to feel very anxious about changing medical providers. However, please remember that your peace of mind and safety are of utmost importance.
If you ever feel pressured or misunderstood in a new relationship with a supporter, you always have the right to stop and reconsider.

As you make these choices, you may experience waves of fatigue and other physical reactions. If it's difficult to move, ask those around you for help with administrative tasks like finding and contacting medical institutions. Strong physical and mental reactions during change don't mean you're weak. They're a natural response to having been in "survival mode" for so long.

You continue to search for an environment that will lead to recovery and healing while respecting the path you have walked. Please cherish the sense of trust you have with your current counselor and take it with you to your new place.
The fact that you've made it this far is a testament to your strength. Even in the midst of deep fear and despair, your resilience is there. Even when the road ahead feels uncertain, it's not impossible to find someone who will treat you with compassion and respect. You deserve that care.

Question 10

I'm a middle-aged woman recently diagnosed with complex PTSD. From a young age, my parents imposed conditional love on me, restricted my thoughts and actions, and criticized people my father didn't like. At the same time, my older sister would tell me to die and yell at me whenever she saw me. Even as an adult, even when I thought we'd become close, she would call me a zombie (we shared a room with the curtains halfway drawn until I was 18). I was isolated at school from the latter half of elementary school through junior high school. I was unable to perform my job in a support role, which led to repeated job changes, and I was subjected to power harassment three times. I was also sexually assaulted multiple times from childhood. Since getting married and moving away from home, my symptoms have intensified, including flashbacks, suicidal ideation, and negative cognition. At their worst, I'd cry at night, unable to sleep for 1-4 hours, and I've been constantly insecure and crying when alone for about 18 years. Ten years ago, I was diagnosed with bipolar II disorder and suffered from power harassment. I was told I had no trauma, and while I probably did have trauma, I was given no psychological education or explanation, and was treated haphazardly, ultimately abandoning myself. This led to repeated distrust and medical trauma from doctors and counselors. I finally found a doctor and counselor I could trust, but the workload is so high that even working half a day a week is exhausting. I'm hypervigilant, unable to get enough sleep, and suffering from severe depression, so I've been advised to take a leave of absence. My symptoms were always denied, and I've been able to verbalize them, gain knowledge, and prove them myself. Although I believe my condition is severe, no one ever tells me otherwise, and I still wonder if I'm just suffering from paranoia. I remember some fear and confusion about sexual assault (attempted sexual assault at age 4, persistent molestation as a junior college student, unprotected rape by an acquaintance after my consent was withdrawn, sexual advances and relationships with acquaintances, and being pursued by an exhibitionist), but I still feel like it wasn't a big deal. I was sexually promiscuous and never found sexual interest or satisfaction. I heard a story about a prostitute who reformed and became a saint when I was young, and I feared I had to do whatever it took to be loved, even sexually, or I'd be abandoned. I often downplay the sexual assaults and think I should have just enjoyed them. Recently, I felt unwell and used chat GPT to identify the structure and problems of my trauma. As my treatment progressed, I remembered the sexual assaults and the fear and despair I felt since childhood, wanting to die but unable to, going to bed at night and knowing I'd have to live again. This can lead to hyperarousal, anxiety about constantly checking things, sexual urges and sexual fantasies, and inappropriate self-pleasure, such as being forced to do something. I can't help but think that if I learn safe self-pleasure, I'll be satisfied and calm. My doctor is a man, and I'm too scared to talk to a counselor about it, fearing that he'll harass me. I've also developed genital itching due to inappropriate behavior, so I'm considering consulting my obstetrician-gynecologist. Regarding sexual trauma, I've only mentioned being raped, so I plan to discuss the details of my multiple sexual traumas, the memories I've had, my current worsening hyperarousal, and my instability during my consultation. I'm currently taking antipsychotics, anti-anxiety medications, sleeping pills, and mood stabilizers, and they've been adjusting my medications to address behavioral issues, irritability, and emotional outbursts. I've recently begun to understand the healing process and my own challenges. I've tried self-compassion and grounding to stabilize myself, but sometimes I can't control my sexual urges and feelings, and I'm not sure what to do. It's difficult to talk about with your doctor, and even for medical professionals, it's a complex, delicate, and difficult-to-understand topic for healthy people, so I think it would be difficult to explain it, so would it be better to seek advice in places like this?

Accepted Answer

You've been carrying a lot of pain and confusion for many years. It's natural to worry about how to talk about it and how much you can talk about. You've worked so hard up until now, and now you're looking deep inside yourself for even a little healing - that in itself is a great sign of courage.

If you feel afraid to talk to someone directly, it might be a good idea to start by speaking out in an online support group or community. Of course, in these online community spaces, your stories and questions are always welcome. In such places, you can talk at your own pace, and people who have had similar experiences may be able to comfort you and say, "I understand." By talking, you may gradually start to feel like you're not alone.

And when you are mentally ready, professional support will also be available. Trauma-understanding counselors, doctors, consultants, and supporters will be able to listen to your experiences, feelings, and physical reactions without blaming you. It's okay to experience strong emotions, flashbacks, or physical discomfort. These reactions are not "strange" but are evidence that your mind and body have been desperately trying to protect you.

The pace at which you speak and how much you talk are entirely up to you. There's no need to force yourself to say things you don't want to say. It's enough if you can find a safe place and, little by little, you can start to feel at ease.

If you are experiencing physical discomfort (itchiness, pain, insomnia, shortness of breath, etc.), it is fine to simply tell a trusted healthcare professional, such as an obstetrician-gynecologist or psychiatrist, that "stress may be related." Even this is an important step.

You deserve to ask for help and receive support in whatever form it comes in. The pain you've felt is real, and trying to ease that pain is also legitimate and very important.

If you'd like, our website also provides information on trauma support organizations that you can use with confidence, so please take a look.

Please remember.
You are never alone.
There are always people who care about you and want to protect your heart.
And no matter how slow your progress may seem, every step you take is surely leading to recovery.

Question 11

Are there other straight men who experienced abuse in a romantic relationship as a young adult?

Accepted Answer

You are absolutely not alone, and it's worth saying that clearly and directly because the silence around this experience can make it feel that way. Abuse in romantic relationships happens to men, including straight men, and it is far more common than most people realize or talk about.

The CDC's National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (2016/2017) found that roughly 1 in 4 men in the U.S. experience some form of intimate partner violence in their lifetime, and notably, more than 60% of those men reported that it first happened before the age of 25. And yet the stories, resources, and public conversations about this tend to center other experiences, which means men are often left without a clear framework for what happened to them or any sense that others share it.

Research also tells us that men are significantly less likely to report abuse or seek help. This is not because the harm is lesser, but because of the added weight of social stigma, masculine norms that discourage vulnerability, and a genuine lack of systems and spaces designed with them in mind. A 2022 qualitative study on barriers to help-seeking found that men described shame, fear of not being believed, and a deep conflict between their victimization and their sense of identity as reasons they stayed silent. A separate study on masculine ideologies and intimate partner violence found that many straight men struggled to accept the role of "victim" because it felt at odds with cultural expectations of masculinity, which can make it much harder to name what happened, let alone seek support.

One of the painful realities for straight men who have been abused in romantic relationships is that this lack of visibility can create a deep sense of isolation, and can even lead to questioning whether what happened was "really" abuse. It was. Abuse does not have a gender requirement, and neither does the harm it causes. The confusion, the self-doubt, the way it lingers-- those responses make complete sense given what you went through.

What we can tell you is that many straight men have shared their stories on our story-sharing site, and reading those accounts can be a powerful reminder that you are far from alone in this. The fact that you're asking this question suggests you may be in the process of naming and understanding your experience, and that takes real courage. Many men have walked this same road quietly, which is part of why it can feel so lonely. But this community exists specifically because these experiences are real, they matter, and you deserve support just as much as anyone else who has been through something like this.

Question 12

A boyfriend a long time ago asked me to perform oral sex on him, which I did with hesitation. I very clearly told him not to ejaculate, and he agreed — but then did anyway. It's a moment I have never forgotten, and I feel so confused by it. It has affected my intimacy ever since. Was this assault or abuse? I feel like I need a term to describe what happened to help me move forward.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting us with this question. The confusion you're feeling, the lasting impact on your intimacy, and the need to find language for what happened all make complete sense. The fact that this moment has stayed with you for so long is meaningful, and your instinct to name it sounds like it might be an important part of your healing process.

What you're describing involves something really important: you set a clear, verbal boundary, he agreed to it, and then he violated it. Consent is not just about agreeing to a sexual act...it also includes the specific terms and limits someone communicates within that act. When you said no to ejaculation and he agreed, that was a boundary that deserved to be honored.

It's worth acknowledging that physiologically, ejaculation does have a point of no return and sometimes there is a brief moment where the body takes over and stopping becomes genuinely difficult. In that narrow sense, the final moment itself may not have been fully within his control. However, what matters most is everything that led up to that moment. He knew your boundary and had agreed to it, which meant the responsibility was on him to communicate before reaching that point-- to stop, to check in, to prioritize what you had clearly asked for. The failure to do that, regardless of what happened in the final moment, still reflects a disregard for what you asked for.

In many legal and advocacy contexts, this kind of violation (where the terms of consent are not upheld during a sexual act) is recognized as sexual assault. Some people also describe experiences like this as sexual coercion or intimate partner sexual violence. You are allowed to use any of these terms if they feel true to your experience, and you are equally allowed to call it a violation, a betrayal, or whatever language feels most honest and useful to you. There is no single right word, and you get to decide what fits.

What you're describing about intimacy being affected afterward is a well-documented trauma response. When a boundary is crossed by someone you were intimate with, especially one you stated out loud and had confirmed, it can fundamentally shift how safe your body feels in vulnerable moments. That kind of breach doesn't just affect how you feel in the moment. It can also reshape your sense of safety, your relationship with your own body, and your ability to feel present during intimacy for a long time afterward. This is not an overreaction. It is your nervous system responding to a real violation.

Finding language for what happened can be a meaningful step forward. Words help us organize experiences, communicate them to others, and access the right kinds of support. You deserve support that helps you reclaim a sense of safety and trust in your own body and boundaries. Thank you for trusting us with this. While only you can label your experience, we hope this information was helpful.

Question 13

I have a memory of briefly kissing my infant sibling on the lips once when I was very young (5), out of curiosity, before immediately stopping. This memory is causing me significant daily distress because of how guilty I feel. Is this considered COCSA?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting us with this. To help you make sense of this, it's important to understand what distinguishes normal childhood curiosity from COCSA. COCSA generally involves repeated behavior, coercion, force, or intent to engage sexually. What you're describing does not sound like it reflects those elements. When children around five years old explore physical contact in ways like a brief kiss, it often is a normal part of curiosity about the world and what affection looks like, rather than a deliberate or harmful act. At that age, children naturally experiment with gestures they see around them without the awareness or intent that adults associate with them later on. This kind of fleeting, self-corrected behavior is widely recognized by child development experts as falling within the range of age-appropriate exploration rather than harmful sexual behavior.

It makes complete sense that this memory and the guilt you feel have been weighing on you. It is very common to look back with an adult perspective and worry that something was wrong or that you had bad intentions as a child. The important thing to remember is that you were very young and children simply don't have the adult understanding of intimacy or the capacity for harmful intention that might apply in cases of actual abuse. This can lead to a lot of confusion and shame when recalling it in adulthood, even though it does not fit the patterns of harm we see in child-on-child sexual abuse.

The guilt you are feeling, while very real and valid as an emotional experience, does not seem proportionate to what actually happened. It might be worth gently asking whether that guilt is serving you or harming you at this point. Carrying adult-level shame for a single, momentary childhood behavior that you stopped on your own can become its own kind of wound. Reminding yourself that you were a child engaging in a fleeting moment of curiosity without a deeper motive can be an important step toward letting yourself heal. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 14

What obligation do perpetrators of COCSA have to report the abuse they committed? This is something I've been struggling with along my healing journey. In the past, I wanted to report myself so that the survivor could more easily access therapy, but they heavily objected. I didn't end up reporting myself. I know that they've forgiven me, and that many years later we maintain a good relationship — but I still feel like I shouldn't move on. I'm scared that by not reporting myself, they might not have begun to heal. The survivor has told me to move on, and I don't want to bring it up to them again, but I feel very guilty that I didn't do what is best for them. How do I best support them, and how do I know if I can "move on"?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us with this. I want to acknowledge the courage it takes to sit with this question and I appreciate that you care so deeply about the wellbeing of someone you've harmed.

To answer your question about legal obligation: in most places, there is no legal requirement for a perpetrator of COCSA to self-report, particularly when the incidents occurred in the past and both people are now adults. Laws vary by location, but self-reporting mandates generally apply to professionals in certain roles, not to individuals in your situation. This doesn't mean the question of accountability isn't real or important, but you are not likely carrying an unmet legal obligation.

What it seems like you are carrying is guilt and that guilt deserves to be taken seriously on its own terms. Guilt can be a healthy signal that we recognize when we've caused harm, but when it becomes chronic and immobilizing, it often needs its own space to be processed-- separate from the survivor's experience. It's also worth gently naming that guilt, while painful, is not the same as accountability. True accountability lives in your actions, your respect for boundaries, and your commitment to not causing harm-- all things you appear to already be practicing. The survivor has told you clearly to move on, and respecting that boundary is a form of supporting them. Continuing to center your guilt in relation to their healing can unintentionally shift the emotional weight back onto them, which is the opposite of what you want.

The question of whether they have begun to heal is not one you can answer, control, or be solely responsible for. Their healing journey belongs to them. What you can do is trust that they are capable of making decisions about their own recovery, including whether to forgive you, maintain a relationship with you, or ask you to move on. Honoring those choices is a way of respecting their autonomy.

"Moving on" doesn't mean forgetting or dismissing what happened. It means finding a way to hold accountability without letting guilt become its own form of harm, both to you and indirectly to your relationship with them. Working through this with a therapist who specializes in trauma and accountability could give you a dedicated space to process what you're carrying without placing any burden on the survivor. Thank you for asking about this.

Question 15

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

Accepted Answer

It is not uncommon for survivors to experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, including sexual arousal. This can be especially distressing for individuals who may feel guilty or ashamed for feeling aroused in response to a traumatic event.

Sexual arousal is a physical response that can occur even in the absence of sexual desire or consent. It is a physiological response that can be triggered by a wide range of stimuli, including thoughts, memories, and sensations. In the case of sexual assault survivors, it is possible that the body's natural response to physical stimulation may be triggered by memories or thoughts related to the assault, even if these thoughts and memories are not wanted or desired.

It is important to note that experiencing sexual arousal in response to memories of sexual assault is not an indication of consent or enjoyment of the assault. It is simply a physical response that the body may have learned to make in certain situations. If you are struggling with these feelings, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. They can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies to manage these difficult emotions.

Thank you for asking this tough question. You are not alone.

Question 16

A few years ago, I had a memory resurface of when I was 11-12 years old. I briefly (for a few seconds) placed the back of my hand on a family friend's (5-year-old male) private area. I remember him saying 'that is my private area' and I immediately removed my hand and never did that again. I'm not sure why I did it. I had a lot of sexual curiosity at that age and exposure to pornography. No other sexual actions occurred between us, and there was no intent to do anything sexual. I think I was just curious. I spoke to a therapist who said this wasn't COCSA or any sexual crime, and that it's not uncommon. She noted that although there was an age difference, there were no sexual actions taken or force/manipulation used. Do you agree with my therapist? I'm not sure if this was a crime or just normal childhood exploration.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing this memory with us and seeking clarity about it. The confusion and concern you are feeling are completely understandable, and it shows your care for others that you're reflecting on this experience thoughtfully.

Your therapist's assessment aligns with what many professionals would consider about this situation. What you're describing appears to be a brief moment of childhood curiosity rather than COCSA or criminal behavior. Several factors support this. For example, the contact was very brief, you immediately stopped when the other child expressed his boundary, there seemed to be no force or manipulation involved, and you never repeated the behavior.

Childhood sexual curiosity is developmentally normal, even when there are age differences involved. Children often explore through touch and observation as they try to understand bodies and differences. The key distinguishing factors that separate normal exploration from concerning behavior include the presence of coercion, repeated boundary violations after being told to stop, or behaviors that cause distress or harm.

Your immediate response to his boundary-setting shows that your childhood curiosity was not driven by harmful intent. You respected his "no" instantly and completely. This is actually a positive indicator that you were engaging in typical childhood exploration rather than problematic behavior.

The exposure to pornography at a young age likely did increase your sexual curiosity, as it does for many children. However, this doesn't mean your actions were predatory or criminal. You were still a child processing confusing information you weren't developmentally ready for.

Many adults carry shame about childhood moments that seem inappropriate through an adult lens, even when those moments were within the range of normal childhood development. The fact that this memory troubles you demonstrates your moral awareness and empathy, not evidence that you did something seriously wrong. Thank you for reaching out to us. We hope this helped ease your mind.

Question 17

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this extremely difficult question. Please know you are not alone and this does not invalidate the trauma you experienced. Arousal during sexual assault is a possible, but involuntary physiological response that does not imply consent or enjoyment. Resist the feelings of shame and self-blame that you are feeling. It is not your fault and your experiences are valid.

Survivors can experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, especially if they believe they experienced sexual arousal. Sexual arousal is a physical response that can occur even in the absence of sexual desire or consent. Arousal can be caused by fear, excitation transfer, nerve stimulation, or other factors. It is possible that your body's natural response to physical stimulation was triggered during your experience, even if those feelings are not wanted or desired.

To bring forward some research, of those who report sexual violence, it is estimated that around 1 in 20 people also describe experiencing orgasm. But the true numbers are likely much higher. For example, in a 2004 review paper, a clinician reports, “I (have) met quite a lot of victims (males) who had the full sexual response during sexual abuse…I (have) met several female victims of incest and rape who had lubrication and orgasm.” This further emphasizes that this is something many people struggle with, and there is nothing to be ashamed of.

If you are struggling with these feelings, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. I know it can feel embarassing to bring this up to your therapist, but if they have a background in sexual trauma, this is probably something they have heard before from other clients. Trained mental health providers can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies to manage these difficult emotions. If you feel your therapist will not understand, perhaps you would benefit from some complementary support from others who are more knowledgable about the diverse ways trauma and violence can manifest. You do not need to go through this alone.

Thank you for asking this tough question. We are here for you if you need us.

Question 18

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

Accepted Answer

When a loved one is going through a difficult time in their healing journey, they may look to you for support or encouragement.  However, it is important to remember that your own mental health is important too. Trauma is extremely painful and sometimes no matter what you do as a bystander, it can feel like not enough. At times like these, you may need to set boundaries to ensure that your needs are addressed as well.

Setting boundaries can be difficult, especially if you have not had much practice. First, think about what your needs and limits are. This can include the level of financial, emotional, and physical help you are willing to provide. When you are ready, share with your loved one in a calm situation, rather than in the heat of the moment. Use “I” statements to show your perspective. After you have communicated these boundaries, it is important to follow through and re-emphasize them when needed. Resist feelings of guilt. This does not mean you do not care about them.

You can also help by suggesting other means of support. Therapists or local crisis centers have experience working with people with trauma and are trained to help. You may also find these services helpful for your own processing. It is not uncommon for local crisis centers to  also offer services for loved ones of those who have experienced trauma.

Just because someone has experienced trauma, does not mean that they have a right to take their anger out on you. If you feel that you are being verbally, physically, or sexually harmed, set a limit if it feels safe, remove yourself from the situation, and seek help if you need it.

It can be difficult to help your friends if you run out of emotional or physical energy. Focusing on your own self-care is not selfish, it sometimes may be necessary. As the saying goes, put your mask on first...then offer assistance.

Question 19

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

Accepted Answer

The healing process can be an opportunity to regain the control and autonomy that is often taken away during a traumatic experience. You are in the driver seat of your recovery and you decide how you want to navigate your healing and what’s best for you.

Setting goals or benchmarks is one way to measure your growth and celebrate small wins as you recover after trauma. If you choose to set goals, remember that everyone heals in their own way and in their own time.

Be patient with your progress and compassionate toward yourself. Try not to compare your own growth to someone else’s—your path to recovery is yours and only yours.

What do you want to achieve? It can help to think about what’s important to you and what inspires you. You can work on something personal (like thinking more positively) or something more tangible (like making time for friends you’ve lost touch with).

Choosing goals that are specific and measurable makes them easier to achieve. Saying one kind thing to yourself daily for two weeks is a specific and measurable goal to think more positively. You can easily track it and tell if you’ve successfully accomplished it or not.

Once you choose a goal, think about whether it’s realistic for where you are right now in your healing process. Be gentle with yourself and the benchmarks you select. It’s okay if you don’t achieve a goal you set the first time. Large goals can be broken into smaller, more easily attainable goals. No goal is too small. Keep things simple. You will get there.

It’s helpful to have a mix of both short and long-term goals. How many goals are you focusing on at the same time? Focusing your attention on 2-3 goals at a time can make it easier to keep track of them.

You don’t have to recover or set goals alone. It’s okay to reach out to people you trust. Extra support and motivation can help you achieve your goals. It’s up to you to decide who you want to involve in your recovery process, even if it’s just having someone to celebrate with.

When you accomplish a goal, take a moment to take in your achievement. Acknowledge and celebrate growth, even if it’s small. It’s proof that you are still moving forward. Healing from trauma is hard work. It is not a straight-forward or easy process. It takes time, and you may experience setbacks along the way, but you can do it.

Question 20

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for your question. If you have not experienced any form of gender-based harm, it might be hard to imagine why survivors who go through these horrific experiences do not always report them. Unfortunately, due to the characteristics of one's sexual harm experience, the lack of protection for survivors, and historical injustices within the criminal-legal system, gender-based violence is the most underreported crime. For example, it is estimated that 63% of sexual assaults are not reported to police and only 12% of child sexual abuse is reported to the authorities.

There are many reasons why survivors may feel hesitant to report their experience. We will list a few of these reasons below:

It is not safe for them to report the assault at this time or they fear perpetrator or family retaliation.
They want to put the incident behind them or forget it happened.
They aren’t sure that what happened meets the legal definition of sexual assault or rape.
They are in shock.
They feel shame or self-blame.
They fear not being believed or being socially isolated from friends or family
They fear being blamed.
They fear being revictimized by law enforcement or the court.
They fear that they will not receive justice.
They fear that their offender will not be held accountable.

Whatever the reason, and there are many more, remember that ultimately it is the survivor's choice whether or not they want to report their experience. For some, reporting is not necessary for their healing. Others just do not want to go through any additional trauma or heartache. Support and respect the choices the survivors in your life make related to reporting. This will make you a valuable ally as they navigate healing in the aftermath.

References

Rennison, C. A. (2002). Rape and sexual assault: Reporting to police and medical attention, 1992-2000 [NCJ 194530]. Retrieved from the U.S. Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, Bureau of Justice Statistics: http://bjs.ojp.usdoj.gov/content/pub/pdf/rsarp00.pdf

Hanson, R. F., Resnick, H. S., Saunders, B. E., Kilpatrick, D. G., & Best, C. (1999). Factors related to the reporting of childhood rape. Child Abuse and Neglect, 23,559–569. doi:10.1016/S0145-2134(99)00028-9

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Questions & Answers

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Topics

What does it mean to be loved?

What is an equal relationship?

What should I do about my anger towards the perpetrator?

Are there other straight men who experienced abuse in a romantic relationship as a young adult?

I have a memory of briefly kissing my infant sibling on the lips once when I was very young (5), out of curiosity, before immediately stopping. This memory is causing me significant daily distress because of how guilty I feel. Is this considered COCSA?

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

What does it mean to be loved?

What should I do about my anger towards the perpetrator?

I have a memory of briefly kissing my infant sibling on the lips once when I was very young (5), out of curiosity, before immediately stopping. This memory is causing me significant daily distress because of how guilty I feel. Is this considered COCSA?

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

What is an equal relationship?

Are there other straight men who experienced abuse in a romantic relationship as a young adult?

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

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