Find Answers to Your Questions ~ Our Wave Community

Question 1

I don't want to believe I was assaulted as a young child because I know this person very well and can't see it in them to act this way but I can recall details and have vivid flashbacks. What should I do? How do I seek help for this?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this question.

To start, you are not alone. It is quite common for individuals who are processing childhood trauma in adulthood to feel confused, frightened, and frustrated. It is also common for survivors to not want to believe what happened to them was real. Only you know what you have experienced, but here are some of our thoughts below.

It is unfortuntely very common for individuals to know the person who harmed them as children. In fact, around 90% of childhood sexual abuse survivors were harmed by someone they knew, loved, or trusted. Often, these people are people who on the surface might not stand out as an abuser or predator. Many may be well liked or respected in their social circles-- that's often how they gain access to groom or harm young people.

Grooming is when someone builds a relationship, trust, or emotional connection with a young person or their family so that they can manipulate, exploit, and abuse them. Signs of grooming often include:

1. Targeting the young person

2. Building trust with the young person and their family

3. Isolating the young person

4. Initiating sexual abuse and securing secrecy

If this sounds like what you experienced, then it would make sense why you feel so confused. Remember no matter what happened, it is never your fault. Honor the feelings you are having.

It is also not uncommon for memories of childhood trauma to emerge in adulthood and for you to want to seek help for this experience now. In fact, around 70% of child sexual abuse cases are thought to be disclosed during adulthood. Survivors of childhood sexual abuse often have difficulties speaking up about their experience and remembering exact details. Sometimes ‘forgetting’ becomes your brain’s way of surviving and coping.

If you are now remembering details or having vivid memories, it might make sense to try to work through those with a trained mental health professional. You will want to find a therapist who specifically specializes in trauma or posttraumatic stress disorder. You could also reach out to your local rape crisis center. These centers are typically free of charge and can direct you to resources to support you. Once you have some more answers, you can then decide what you would like to do next.

If you have additional questions or want to begin talking through your experience now, you can reach out to the National Sexual Assault Hotline which is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week: Terms of Service - Online Hotline (rainn.org) . They will listen to what you have to say and will direct you to resources in your local area.

It can be very disorienting to process a traumatic experience that happened when you were a child. While the feelings that you are having are not uncommon, it does not make them any less painful. Trust your gut and honor all the emotions that come along the way. Recognize you have a community of survivors behind you. You are not alone.

Question 2

I'm trying to understand consent in the context of child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA). I believe I experienced something like this, but my memories are unclear about when exactly it happened or the specific details of the incident. How do we understand agreement or consent when it involves children? I'm struggling with this uncertainty and trying to make sense of my experience.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for asking this. When we think about consent and children, it's important to understand that young children cannot truly consent to sexual activities - they don't have the emotional or developmental capacity to understand and make those decisions. Even if a child appears to "agree" or doesn't actively resist, this isn't true consent. To learn more about COCSA specifically, see our blog here.

Memory haziness around traumatic or confusing childhood experiences is very common. Our brains sometimes protect us by making certain memories less clear, especially from childhood. Not remembering all the details doesn't make your experience any less valid or real.

It's also common to question experiences from childhood when we look back as adults. We might wonder if something really "counts" or if we're remembering it correctly. This questioning often comes from trying to make sense of experiences that happened before we had the framework to understand them.

What matters most isn't whether you can remember every detail or whether you verbally agreed or disagreed - what matters is how the experience has affected you and continues to affect you. If you're feeling confused or troubled by these memories, that's reason enough to take your feelings seriously.

If you're trying to process these experiences, please know that there are trauma-informed therapists who specialize in helping people understand and heal from childhood experiences, even when the memories aren't completely clear. They can help you work through these questions at your own pace, in a way that feels safe for you. Thank you for reaching out to us about this. You are not alone.

Question 3

Is it normal to feel so much guilt and shame even years after the rape I experienced at the hands of my then boyfriend? He has lied and deceived me and that has added to my trauma. I also have incomplete memories of the event that I cannot remember clearly.

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us. It is not uncommon for survivors of sexual violence to experience lingering feelings of guilt and shame even years after abuse, especially when the assault was perpetrated by someone they trusted such as a partner. Particularly if there are complicating factors such as deceit and memory gaps, making sense of and managing this shame can be especially difficult.

Sexual harm violates physical, emotional, and sexual integrity and is thus notorious for perpetuating shame in the aftermath for survivors. In fact, research has shown that sexual trauma whas been associated with higher levels of shame than other traumatic experiences, with some studies finding that up to 75% of survivors experience trauma-related shame after these experiences.

If you are still experiencing feelings of shame, you are not alone. Shame thrives in silence, so thank you for being brave and sharing that shame with us. Remember that abuse is never your fault, no matter what the circumstances.

I encourage you to talk about this shame with someone you trust when you are ready. If there is no one in your life that you trust with those emotions right now, you may want to seek supportive counseling or find a space where you can meet other survivors, as their stories of how they have managed their shame may give you the hope you need to keep going and ideas on how to move forward. You may also consider separating yourself from people who trigger your shame, if they are still active in your life. This can help you forge a path forward.

To learn more about how you can cope with the incomplete memories you have related to this event, read our previous FAQ here.

We hope this helps. Thank you for sharing this experience with us. You are not alone.

Question 4

A couple years ago, I had an experience at a family gathering where someone entered my room while I was heavily intoxicated. My cousin interrupted what seemed to be a sexual encounter, but didn't fully understand the situation. At the time, I was too impaired to process what was happening. Recently, I've started feeling anxious about this incident and believe I was taken advantage of. My family doesn't seem to understand the impact it's had on me. How can I address these delayed feelings of distress and find support to process this experience?

Accepted Answer

I want to start by acknowledging the courage it takes to reach out and discuss such a difficult experience. What happened to you was not your fault, and your feelings of distress and anxiety are completely valid, even if they've emerged some time after the incident. It's important to understand that delayed reactions to traumatic events are common and are a normal response to an abnormal situation.

Your experience at the family gathering, where you were in a vulnerable state due to intoxication and someone took advantage of that situation, is a serious matter. The fact that you were too impaired to process what was happening at the time doesn't diminish the impact of the event. It's understandable that you're now grappling with feelings of anxiety and the realization that you were taken advantage of.

It can be particularly challenging when family members don't seem to understand or acknowledge the impact this experience has had on you. This lack of support can feel isolating, but please know that your feelings are valid regardless of others' perceptions.

There are several paths you can consider for addressing these delayed feelings and finding support. Speaking with a therapist or counselor who specializes in trauma and sexual assault can provide a safe, non-judgmental space to process your emotions and develop coping strategies. They can help you navigate the complex feelings you're experiencing and work towards healing.

Support hotlines and organizations in your local area dedicated to helping survivors of sexual assault can also be valuable resources. They offer confidential support and can connect you with additional services if needed.

Remember to be patient and gentle with yourself as you navigate this process. Healing takes time, and it's okay to take things one day at a time. In the meantime, try to prioritize engaging in activities that promote your mental and physical well-being, and consider practices like journaling to help process your thoughts and feelings.

You are not alone in this. What happened was not your fault, and there are people and resources available to support you through this journey of healing and understanding. Your feelings are valid, and you deserve support and understanding as you work through this experience. Thank you for reaching out to us.

Question 5

I recently remembered my perpetrator, who I had just started dating, sort of apologizing after he raped me. He cursed himself, calling himself a "bastard," but didn't fully admit what he'd done. He then told me I was "amazing and special." Was he feeling shame or manipulating me? Do perpetrators often use manipulation to avoid consequences? Also, when I've tried to speak out about my experience, I've gotten very negative reactions. I thought I was helping other women, but now I feel more guilt and shame for talking about it. Is this normal?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing this deeply personal experience. What you've been through is incredibly difficult, and it's understandable that you're grappling with distressing emotions and memories.

Regarding your perpetrator's behavior, the situation you're describing is complex and confusing. His self-deprecation, vague apology, and compliments could be due to a mix of shame and manipulation. Some perpetrators might feel momentary remorse, while also trying to avoid consequences. The "apology" without fully admitting wrongdoing, followed by compliments, could be seen as a manipulation tactic. However, it's important to remember that you're the expert of your own experience. Trust your instincts about what happened and how it made you feel.

Your observation about perpetrators often using manipulation to escape consequences could be accurate in many cases. Remember, if manipulation occurred, it's not your fault. These are choices made by the perpetrator. Perpetrators often use various manipulation tactics to avoid responsibility, maintain control, or prevent the survivor from seeking help. These can include:

Gaslighting: Making you question your own memory or perception of events.
Minimizing: Downplaying the severity of their actions.
Blame-shifting: Trying to place responsibility on you.
Love-bombing: Showering you with affection or compliments after the assault to create confusion.
Playing the victim: Expressing self-loathing to elicit sympathy, as you described.
Threats: These can be direct or indirect.
Isolation: Attempting to distance you from your support network.
False promises: Vowing to change without taking real accountability.

These tactics can be subtle and may occur in combination. They're often designed to create confusion and self-doubt. However, trust your instincts about what happened - you know your experience best.

Regarding speaking out about your experience, it's disheartening that you've faced negative reactions. It takes courage to share your story, and you deserved support and understanding. Unfortunately, it's not uncommon for survivors to face such reactions. Society often struggles with the reality of sexual violence, and people may react with disbelief, victim-blaming, or avoidance. These reactions can lead to feelings of guilt and shame in survivors, even though you've done nothing wrong.

Your desire to help other women by sharing your story shows great strength and empathy. However, it's also okay to step back if speaking out is causing you more harm. Your healing and well-being should be a priority. Feeling guilt and shame after disclosing assault is common, but try to remember that these feelings don't reflect reality. You're not responsible for the assault or for others' reactions to your disclosure.

Consider seeking support from a therapist specializing in sexual trauma or a survivor support group if you feel it might be helpful. These can provide safe spaces to process your experiences and feelings without judgment. They can also help you recognize and cope with manipulation tactics you may have encountered.

Remember, healing is a journey, and it's okay to focus on what feels right and safe for you at each step along the way. Trust your instincts and be gentle with yourself as you navigate this healing process. Your feelings and perceptions are valid, regardless of what anyone else says or does. Thank you for reaching out to us. You are not alone.

Question 6

I have memories from early childhood (around 3-4 years old) of my older sister initiating sexual contact with me. She asked me to perform oral acts on her, would kiss me unexpectedly, showed me explicit movies she found, and I thought this was normal. I had similar experiences with other children at parties where they would kiss me or engage in inappropriate touching. As an adult, I struggle with consenting to sexual acts I don't want to do just to please others. My sister recently apologized for kissing me as a child, but I don't think she remembers the more sexual aspects. How do I process these childhood experiences and their impact on my adult relationships?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. What you're describing sounds extremely confusing to process and we appreciate your trust.

As a young child, you couldn't have fully understood what was happening or the implications of those actions. Children naturally follow the lead of those around them as they learn about the world, particularly from older siblings or peers. They often don't have the context to understand sexual experiences or the ability to meaningfully consent, even with other children. The fact that you "played along" doesn't make it your fault. At that age, it's normal to trust and follow the lead of those close to you, especially family members.

It's also important to acknowledge that your sister may have been influenced by things she was exposed to, such as the illicit movies she found. Children who initiate sexual behavior with other children have often been exposed to sexual content or experiences themselves, though not always. She might not fully remember or understand the extent of what happened between you both. Her recent apology indicates that she's beginning to process these events as well.

The pattern you describe of consenting to unwanted sexual acts as an adult to please others is a common response among people who experienced sexual boundary violations in childhood. These early events can shape how we perceive relationships and boundaries, making it challenging to assert our own needs and desires as adults. This pattern can develop because early experiences taught you that your role was to accommodate others' sexual desires regardless of your own feelings. This is not your fault, but rather an adaptation your mind created to navigate confusing experiences.

Remember that you are not to blame for what happened. The responsibility lies with the adults who should have provided guidance and protection. The feelings of confusion, shame, and the tendency to prioritize others' needs over your own are understandable responses to your experiences.

Healing from these experiences often involves working with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood sexual experiences. They can help you process these memories, understand their impact on your current relationships, and develop healthier boundaries around consent. Many people find that with support, they can develop a stronger connection to their own desires and needs, making it easier to engage only in sexual activities they genuinely want.

Please know that your experiences are valid, and the impacts you're feeling are real, regardless of whether everyone involved remembers events the same way. You deserve understanding and compassion, both from others and from yourself. Healing takes time, but you don't have to go through it alone. Thank you so much for trusting us with this. You are not alone.

Question 7

Does it count as sexual assault if I stopped the encounter halfway through?

Accepted Answer

Thanks for reaching out to us. Without knowing the specific context of your situation--whether you initially consented and then changed your mind, were coerced from the beginning, or experienced something else entirely-- it's difficult to provide a definitive answer about your particular experience. However, I can share some general information about consent and sexual assault that may help you understand your situation better.

Sexual assault occurs when any sexual activity happens without ongoing, enthusiastic consent. Consent is not a one-time agreement. It's an ongoing process that can be withdrawn at any point during an encounter. If you indicated you wanted to stop an encounter and the other person continued or pressured you despite that indication, your boundaries were violated. This violation can constitute sexual assault, regardless of what happened before you decided to stop.

It's completely understandable that you might question whether your experience "counts" as sexual assault. Many survivors grapple with these doubts, especially when the situation doesn't match what they might have expected assault to look like. Feeling uncertain or questioning yourself is extremely common, and these feelings don't reflect the reality of what you experienced. Sexual assault exists on a spectrum, and every violation of your consent matters, regardless of duration or the specific circumstances.

Your body and your boundaries belong to you alone. When someone continues sexual activity after you've indicated you want to stop, whether through words, actions, or body language, they are disrespecting your autonomy. Your decision to stop, regardless of when it occurred or what led up to that moment, was your right and should have been immediately respected.

You deserve support and understanding. What happened was not your fault. If you find that these thoughts continue to trouble you or would like individual support, consider reaching out to someone you trust, whether that's a friend, an advocate at a local resource center, or a professional who is trained to help survivors. Organizations like RAINN (1-800-656-HOPE) offer confidential support and can connect you with local resources. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 8

When I was around 13, my mother would ask me to massage her back, legs, and bottom area while she was unclothed on her bed. She would use a plastic tool with soap. I'm wondering if this was appropriate behavior from a parent, especially since I feel like if a father asked this of a daughter, it would be seen as inappropriate.

Accepted Answer

Thanks for reaching out to us. It sounds like this memory is creating a lot of discomfort and uncertainty for you, and that's completely understandable. Your instincts about this situation are absolutely valid, and I want to acknowledge how much courage it takes to ask this question. What you've described crosses important boundaries that should exist between parents and children. Being expected to massage a parent's body in an area that normally would be private can violate important boundaries between a child and an adult.

Although every family has different routines around touch, it is widely recognized that asking a child of your age to massage a parent's bare buttocks and legs crosses the line of what is generally considered acceptable caregiving or affection between a parent and child. You're right to recognize that this behavior was inappropriate. It involved unnecessary nudity and physical contact that placed you in an uncomfortable position as a child. It doesn't necessarily matter who is in the role of parent, mother or father, if the situation leaves you feeling that your boundaries were overlooked or that you were placed in an inappropriate position.

Healthy parent-child relationships maintain appropriate physical boundaries, especially as children enter adolescence. Parents should not put their children in situations that involve intimate physical contact or nudity, regardless of how it might be framed or justified. Children deserve to feel safe and respected, and that includes being able to say "no" to touch that feels uncomfortable. Being put in a position where it doesn't feel possible to say no suggests a breach of that safety.

It's normal to question this behavior, especially as an adult looking back, and to feel unsettled that it happened. If you're feeling lingering unease or confusion about these experiences, that in itself is significant and worth acknowledging. It's common for survivors of boundary violations to question their own perceptions, especially when the inappropriate behavior came from someone who was supposed to protect them. Your feelings about this experience, whatever they may be, are completely valid.

What you experienced was not your fault, and you deserved to have your boundaries respected. If these memories continue to weigh on you, it might help to talk about them with someone you trust or with a professional who understands childhood and family boundary issues. Organizations like RAINN (1-800-656-HOPE) offer confidential support and can help connect you with local resources. You deserve support and clarity in coming to terms with any experiences that may have been confusing, distressing, or that simply never sat right with you. Your wellbeing matters, and there are people who understand and want to help.

Question 9

When I was a child (8), an older family member (13) wanted to play 'boyfriend and girlfriend' in the bathtub. During this 'game,' they kissed me and touched me while I was undressed and they remained clothed. At the time, I thought it was just playing, but now looking back I realize how inappropriate that was. I don't know if this was COCSA and it's driving me crazy trying to figure it out.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing your experience and for the courage it takes to reach out about something that's been weighing on your mind. It makes sense to look back on this moment with confusion, especially now that you understand more about healthy boundaries and how children relate to each other. It's completely understandable that you're trying to make sense of what happened, especially when childhood experiences can feel confusing to process as an adult.

What you're describing could fall under Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse (COCSA), but only you can label your experience. Children at ages eight and thirteen are at very different stages of development. That five-year gap represents substantial differences in physical development, understanding of sexuality, and social power during childhood. In situations where an older child directs sexual play toward a younger child, it can cross into harmful territory even if it feels like a game at the time. That difference in maturity can create a power imbalance, which can be a key factor in what professionals call COCSA. The fact that you were undressed while they remained clothed, combined with the kissing and touching, suggests behavior that went beyond typical childhood play.

It's important to remember that your family member was also a child at thirteen, likely navigating their own confusion about sexuality and boundaries. At that age, children are still developing their understanding of appropriate behavior and may not fully grasp the impact of their actions on younger children. This doesn't excuse what happened or minimize your experience, but it can help provide context for understanding that children who engage in inappropriate sexual behavior are often acting from their own lack of understanding, exposure to inappropriate content, or even their own experiences of boundary violations.

This experience does not mean there was anything wrong with you at the time. You were only eight, and children often go along with what an older kid suggests because they don't have the same understanding of boundaries that an older child might have. The confusion you're experiencing about whether this "counts" is something many survivors of childhood sexual experiences struggle with. When we're children, we don't have the framework to understand when something crosses appropriate boundaries, especially when it's presented as a game by someone we trust. Your brain naturally tried to make sense of the situation in the only way it could at the time --as play. This doesn't mean what happened was okay, and it doesn't diminish the impact it may have had on you.

Looking back and feeling that it was odd or unsettling is a normal response once you're old enough to recognize these differences. The fact that you're reflecting on this experience now and questioning it shows your adult understanding recognizing that something wasn't right. You're not alone in questioning or analyzing childhood memories as you grow older. If the memory is causing you distress or if you're questioning it continually, it might help to speak with someone who understands these situations—perhaps a counselor, support line, or anyone trained in working through childhood boundary violations.

You deserve validation concerning your discomfort, and it's okay to name what happened in the way that feels right to you, whether or not you decide to call it COCSA. The most important thing is recognizing that you were a child who didn't ask for or truly understand what was happening. Your feelings now do not change that you did nothing wrong and did not cause what happened. Whatever you decide to call this experience, your feelings about it are valid, and seeking support to work through these memories can be incredibly helpful. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, seeking gentle, knowledgeable support might bring clarity and help you feel more at ease with this part of your past. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 10

I see some stories on the Our Wave platform have updates.  How do I add an update to my story besides posting in the comments?

Accepted Answer

Hello! Thank you for asking this question. If you would like to add an update to your story, go to https://community.ourwave.org/find-story and enter your email connected to your story to get a secure update link. Once you have that link, you will be able to update your story. Please reach out to hello@ourwave.org if you have any additional questions related to this!

Question 11

Throughout my life, I've had experiences with older people when I was younger - one when I was around 10-12 and another at 16-17. While these felt like romantic relationships at the time, they sometimes involved requests for photos and videos. I know there are more severe cases, but there are things I don't understand about my own reactions. I experience impulses that make my body react - sometimes imagining scenarios involving those adults and my younger self, or my adult self with my child self. When I doubt these experiences, I get caught in cycles that are difficult to break. This includes searching for content that resembles what happened or trying to recreate it through fictional characters. I don't understand why this compulsive pattern happens, especially since what occurred doesn't seem that serious to me. Can things that "just happen" really be that impactful?

Accepted Answer

I'm so sorry you've been carrying such confusion about all of this. When someone who's older enters a relationship with a child or teen in a way that involves sexual or romantic behavior, it's understandable to feel torn about how serious or "bad" it was, especially if it didn't fit the kind of extreme abuse stories you've heard elsewhere. Yes, experiences that might seem "minor" or that "just happened" can absolutely have significant and lasting impacts. What you're describing, relationships with significant age gaps during childhood and adolescence, involved adults who held inherent power over you due to your developmental stage, regardless of how the relationships felt at the time.

The thing is, grooming doesn't always show itself through obvious commands or violence. Many times, it comes in the form of slow boundary pushing, where an adult establishes trust, affection, or special attention, then gradually introduces requests like photos or videos. Children and teens often don't realize what's happening until years later, and even then, it can feel confusing to label it as "wrong." The requests for photos and videos you mentioned were inappropriate regardless of the context of the relationship.

Those ongoing impulses, where you find yourself searching out content or creating fantasies, may be your body and mind trying to understand something overwhelming that never made full sense at the time. The intrusive thoughts and compulsive behaviors you're experiencing are common trauma responses. When we experience confusing or overwhelming situations, especially during formative years, our minds sometimes try to process these experiences by replaying them, seeking similar content, or attempting to understand them through various means. Our brains have a way of replaying or even sexualizing old wounds in an attempt to gain some kind of control or closure. There's nothing unusual in feeling both drawn to these reenactments and unsettled by them.

The cycle you describe, doubting your experiences, then having intrusive thoughts, then seeking content or recreating scenarios, is a pattern many survivors recognize. Trauma can blur the border between wanting to avoid painful memories and feeling compelled to revisit them. It doesn't mean you wanted what happened...only that your mind is wrestling with the emotional impact of those earlier experiences. These compulsions often arise when our minds are trying to resolve the confusion between what we felt, what we were told, and what we now understand about those experiences.

Even if you think "it wasn't that bad," the confusion and distress you're feeling now show that the age difference and the shifting power dynamics did matter. Minimizing these experiences is very common. Many survivors find themselves thinking "it wasn't that bad" or comparing their experiences to others they perceive as "worse." This minimization can actually be a protective mechanism, but it can also prevent us from acknowledging the real impact these experiences had on our development and current well-being. Grooming can leave emotional marks that might only surface when you're older.

You didn't invite these adults to manipulate or pressure you. Even subtle pressure carries weight when you're still forming an understanding of trust and personal boundaries. It's the nature of grooming to leave you uncertain about whether you really consented, and later it can bring up deeply conflicting emotions about sexuality and self-worth. The bodily reactions you're experiencing aren't something to feel ashamed about. Trauma can create complex neural pathways that connect memories, physical sensations, and emotional responses in ways that feel confusing or disturbing.

You deserve support as you sort through these thoughts, because they are valid and important. Speaking with a professional who understands childhood sexual trauma can help you make sense of the impulses and cyclical searching, and develop healthier coping strategies. You are not alone in these experiences, and there are people out there who care and want to help. Healing doesn't mean you have to recall every detail or fully "solve" this right away. It often involves learning to be kind with yourself, accepting that the confusion is a natural response, and gradually finding healthier ways to process what happened. It's not your fault, no matter how much you've doubted yourself. You deserve peace of mind and, when you're ready, there are caring professionals and resources that can walk with you on this path toward understanding.

Question 12

I went to a bar with a friend and we both drank heavily. Towards the end of the night, the sober waiter kissed me without my clear consent, then told me to wait until his shift ended so we could leave together. My friend encouraged the kiss and gave him my number without asking me. I didn't want to kiss him or wait for him. I felt guilty and sick the next day when he called. This happened 9 years ago but still makes me uncomfortable. Was this sexual assault or just inappropriate behavior?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting us with this experience. It sounds like you're still wrestling with complicated feelings about that night, which is completely normal. When alcohol is involved and you feel pressure, whether from a friend or from the person who kissed you, figuring out whether true consent was present can be confusing. Consent should always be mutual, informed, and absent of any pressure or impairment. If you were uncomfortable with him kissing you and didn't clearly want it, that's an important part of your own sense of what happened. Even if your friend encouraged you, you still had the right to decline. No one else can decide for you what you should or shouldn't do with your body.

What you experienced represents a significant boundary violation that involved multiple concerning elements. A sober person in a position of service taking advantage of someone who had been drinking heavily creates a power imbalance that makes true consent nearly impossible. The waiter's behavior showed a troubling disregard for your ability to make informed decisions in your intoxicated state, and the pressure you felt from multiple directions created a situation where your true wishes weren't respected or prioritized.

It's not unusual for unsettling thoughts about a past experience to linger, especially if you felt your boundaries may have been overlooked or if you felt out of control of the situation. Whether you label it as sexual assault or consider it an instance of someone pushing past what you were truly okay with, your discomfort is valid and significant. Your body and mind are giving you important information through these lasting feelings of discomfort nine years later. Trauma responses don't follow neat timelines or definitions. They respond to violations of safety, autonomy, and consent.

After all these years, it's understandable that you still feel uneasy. The feelings of guilt you experienced are unfortunately common but entirely misplaced. You did nothing wrong. The responsibility lies with the person who chose to pursue someone who was clearly intoxicated and unable to give informed consent. You might find it helpful to talk through these feelings with someone you trust, like a counselor or a close confidant, and to remind yourself that it wasn't your fault for wanting to keep your boundaries. Whatever language you choose to describe that night, your discomfort matters and you deserve support as you come to terms with how it affected you. Thank you for reaching out to us.

Question 13

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

Accepted Answer

It is not uncommon for survivors to experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, including sexual arousal. This can be especially distressing for individuals who may feel guilty or ashamed for feeling aroused in response to a traumatic event.

Sexual arousal is a physical response that can occur even in the absence of sexual desire or consent. It is a physiological response that can be triggered by a wide range of stimuli, including thoughts, memories, and sensations. In the case of sexual assault survivors, it is possible that the body's natural response to physical stimulation may be triggered by memories or thoughts related to the assault, even if these thoughts and memories are not wanted or desired.

It is important to note that experiencing sexual arousal in response to memories of sexual assault is not an indication of consent or enjoyment of the assault. It is simply a physical response that the body may have learned to make in certain situations. If you are struggling with these feelings, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. They can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies to manage these difficult emotions.

Thank you for asking this tough question. You are not alone.

Question 14

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

Accepted Answer

The healing process can be an opportunity to regain the control and autonomy that is often taken away during a traumatic experience. You are in the driver seat of your recovery and you decide how you want to navigate your healing and what’s best for you.

Setting goals or benchmarks is one way to measure your growth and celebrate small wins as you recover after trauma. If you choose to set goals, remember that everyone heals in their own way and in their own time.

Be patient with your progress and compassionate toward yourself. Try not to compare your own growth to someone else’s—your path to recovery is yours and only yours.

What do you want to achieve? It can help to think about what’s important to you and what inspires you. You can work on something personal (like thinking more positively) or something more tangible (like making time for friends you’ve lost touch with).

Choosing goals that are specific and measurable makes them easier to achieve. Saying one kind thing to yourself daily for two weeks is a specific and measurable goal to think more positively. You can easily track it and tell if you’ve successfully accomplished it or not.

Once you choose a goal, think about whether it’s realistic for where you are right now in your healing process. Be gentle with yourself and the benchmarks you select. It’s okay if you don’t achieve a goal you set the first time. Large goals can be broken into smaller, more easily attainable goals. No goal is too small. Keep things simple. You will get there.

It’s helpful to have a mix of both short and long-term goals. How many goals are you focusing on at the same time? Focusing your attention on 2-3 goals at a time can make it easier to keep track of them.

You don’t have to recover or set goals alone. It’s okay to reach out to people you trust. Extra support and motivation can help you achieve your goals. It’s up to you to decide who you want to involve in your recovery process, even if it’s just having someone to celebrate with.

When you accomplish a goal, take a moment to take in your achievement. Acknowledge and celebrate growth, even if it’s small. It’s proof that you are still moving forward. Healing from trauma is hard work. It is not a straight-forward or easy process. It takes time, and you may experience setbacks along the way, but you can do it.

Question 15

When I was a child, my parents repeatedly forced enemas on me. I remember screaming and begging to stop then finally giving in, freezing and dissociating. I've only recently (30 years later) had the courage to recall this memory, of which I used to have flashbacks that made me sick. My parents are nice people, but I feel like I am a survivor of a kind of sexual abuse. Can you help me understand what happened to me?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. First and foremost, I want to commend you for your bravery in confronting this painful memory and seeking understanding. Recognizing the impact of childhood experiences is a courageous step in the healing process.

What you've described - being repeatedly subjected to forced enemas despite your protests and distress - sounds deeply distressing and violating. The fact that you recall screaming, begging, and then dissociating (a common trauma response) underscores the emotional impact of these experiences.

It's important to note that without knowing your full medical history, it's unclear whether the enemas were medically necessary. In some cases, invasive procedures may be warranted for a child's health and well-being. However, even if the enemas were medically justified, your feelings of fear, powerlessness, and violation are still valid. A procedure can be both necessary and traumatic, and your emotional response and the harm associated with these experiences deserves to be acknowledged and respected.

If you feel safe and comfortable doing so, it may be helpful to share your feelings with your parents and ask for more information about the circumstances surrounding these events. Understanding the context and medical reasoning behind the enemas might provide some clarity and help you process the experience. However, it's important to prioritize your own emotional safety and only have this conversation if you feel supported and ready.

The flashbacks and physical sickness you mention are common symptoms of unresolved trauma. When our bodies and minds are overwhelmed by a distressing experience, the memory can get "stuck" in our nervous system, causing intrusive thoughts, sensations, and emotional reactivity. This is especially true for traumas experienced in childhood, when we lack the resources and context to fully process what's happening to us.

Please know that your feelings and the long-term impact of these experiences are valid, regardless of the medical necessity of the enemas. You deserved to have your boundaries and bodily autonomy respected, and it's not your fault that they weren't. It sounds like harm occurred here and you deserve to seek help to heal from that harm.

Healing from childhood trauma is a highly personal journey that often benefits from professional support. I encourage you to seek out a therapist who specializes in childhood trauma and medical trauma. They can provide a safe space to process your memories, validate your experiences, and work with you to develop coping strategies for managing symptoms. They may also be able to get into more specifics with you surrounding whether or not what you experienced was abuse.

Thank you so much for this question and I am sorry that I cannot provide more guidanc. However you define your experience, you are welcome here. You are not alone.

Question 16

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

Accepted Answer

When a loved one is going through a difficult time in their healing journey, they may look to you for support or encouragement.  However, it is important to remember that your own mental health is important too. Trauma is extremely painful and sometimes no matter what you do as a bystander, it can feel like not enough. At times like these, you may need to set boundaries to ensure that your needs are addressed as well.

Setting boundaries can be difficult, especially if you have not had much practice. First, think about what your needs and limits are. This can include the level of financial, emotional, and physical help you are willing to provide. When you are ready, share with your loved one in a calm situation, rather than in the heat of the moment. Use “I” statements to show your perspective. After you have communicated these boundaries, it is important to follow through and re-emphasize them when needed. Resist feelings of guilt. This does not mean you do not care about them.

You can also help by suggesting other means of support. Therapists or local crisis centers have experience working with people with trauma and are trained to help. You may also find these services helpful for your own processing. It is not uncommon for local crisis centers to  also offer services for loved ones of those who have experienced trauma.

Just because someone has experienced trauma, does not mean that they have a right to take their anger out on you. If you feel that you are being verbally, physically, or sexually harmed, set a limit if it feels safe, remove yourself from the situation, and seek help if you need it.

It can be difficult to help your friends if you run out of emotional or physical energy. Focusing on your own self-care is not selfish, it sometimes may be necessary. As the saying goes, put your mask on first...then offer assistance.

Question 17

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this extremely difficult question. Please know you are not alone and this does not invalidate the trauma you experienced. Arousal during sexual assault is a possible, but involuntary physiological response that does not imply consent or enjoyment. Resist the feelings of shame and self-blame that you are feeling. It is not your fault and your experiences are valid.

Survivors can experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, especially if they believe they experienced sexual arousal. Sexual arousal is a physical response that can occur even in the absence of sexual desire or consent. Arousal can be caused by fear, excitation transfer, nerve stimulation, or other factors. It is possible that your body's natural response to physical stimulation was triggered during your experience, even if those feelings are not wanted or desired.

To bring forward some research, of those who report sexual violence, it is estimated that around 1 in 20 people also describe experiencing orgasm. But the true numbers are likely much higher. For example, in a 2004 review paper, a clinician reports, “I (have) met quite a lot of victims (males) who had the full sexual response during sexual abuse…I (have) met several female victims of incest and rape who had lubrication and orgasm.” This further emphasizes that this is something many people struggle with, and there is nothing to be ashamed of.

If you are struggling with these feelings, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. I know it can feel embarassing to bring this up to your therapist, but if they have a background in sexual trauma, this is probably something they have heard before from other clients. Trained mental health providers can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies to manage these difficult emotions. If you feel your therapist will not understand, perhaps you would benefit from some complementary support from others who are more knowledgable about the diverse ways trauma and violence can manifest. You do not need to go through this alone.

Thank you for asking this tough question. We are here for you if you need us.

Question 18

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for your question. If you have not experienced any form of gender-based harm, it might be hard to imagine why survivors who go through these horrific experiences do not always report them. Unfortunately, due to the characteristics of one's sexual harm experience, the lack of protection for survivors, and historical injustices within the criminal-legal system, gender-based violence is the most underreported crime. For example, it is estimated that 63% of sexual assaults are not reported to police and only 12% of child sexual abuse is reported to the authorities.

There are many reasons why survivors may feel hesitant to report their experience. We will list a few of these reasons below:

It is not safe for them to report the assault at this time or they fear perpetrator or family retaliation.
They want to put the incident behind them or forget it happened.
They aren’t sure that what happened meets the legal definition of sexual assault or rape.
They are in shock.
They feel shame or self-blame.
They fear not being believed or being socially isolated from friends or family
They fear being blamed.
They fear being revictimized by law enforcement or the court.
They fear that they will not receive justice.
They fear that their offender will not be held accountable.

Whatever the reason, and there are many more, remember that ultimately it is the survivor's choice whether or not they want to report their experience. For some, reporting is not necessary for their healing. Others just do not want to go through any additional trauma or heartache. Support and respect the choices the survivors in your life make related to reporting. This will make you a valuable ally as they navigate healing in the aftermath.

References

Rennison, C. A. (2002). Rape and sexual assault: Reporting to police and medical attention, 1992-2000 [NCJ 194530]. Retrieved from the U.S. Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, Bureau of Justice Statistics: http://bjs.ojp.usdoj.gov/content/pub/pdf/rsarp00.pdf

Hanson, R. F., Resnick, H. S., Saunders, B. E., Kilpatrick, D. G., & Best, C. (1999). Factors related to the reporting of childhood rape. Child Abuse and Neglect, 23,559–569. doi:10.1016/S0145-2134(99)00028-9

Question 19

I got assaulted, but I don’t really feel anything...is something wrong with me?

Accepted Answer

The short answer is...no not at all. It is quite common for survivors to feel emotionally detached or drained after experiencing an assault, perhaps even at times feeling unaware of what is happening around them. Survivors can also experience feelings of denial, disbelief, or numbness as a reaction to their assault experience. These reactions should never be confused with "not caring" or with the assault being “not serious.” These feelings are how our body is coping with our experience, protecting us from its intensity. The body’s reaction to stress in this way is often viewed as a survival strategy and can be useful when we have to take some action, such as getting out of a violent situation, weighing our options, or making an appointment with a professional.

It is important to note that numbness is not the only emotional shock reaction that you may exhibit. Other normal reactions include: crying uncontrollably, laughing nervously, extreme fatigue, or withdrawing. It is important to be prepared, however, that as you process your experience, the initial numbness may fade. If you would like company, surround yourself with trusted others. Or think about other strategies you can use that have helped in times of crisis in the past. No matter what you are feeling, recognize that these are normal reactions to trauma, and you do not need to face them all on your own.

Question 20

How do I understand why something triggers me?

Accepted Answer

Highly emotional & stressful experiences “trigger” a part of the brain called the amygdala. Usually, the amygdala is helpful and works to keep us safe from dangerous situations by activating a fear response.

After a traumatic experience, the amygdala can become overactive, causing fear responses even if you are not in any danger. Your reaction may be to fight, flee, or freeze, interfering with daily tasks and functioning, even if you’re in a completely safe situation.

Sometimes triggers are more obvious—like seeing violence on a tv show or hearing about it on the news. It makes sense why watching or hearing something traumatic would bring up memories or feelings from your own trauma.

Other times, triggers can feel more subtle or hard to anticipate. They can include just about anything--from hearing a song, to hugging someone, to smelling something, to the way a piece of fabric or clothing feels, or even just going to a doctor’s appointment.

While triggers can feel isolating & scary, especially when they happen in public or around other people, know that you are not alone. Over two-thirds of survivors of sexual assault report experiencing triggers.

Over time you can identify the situations that might trigger you. Anticipating these situations and learning relaxation strategies can make it easier to cope with them. While it feels good to avoid triggers in the short-term, it’s not always possible to predict all potential triggers.

Experiencing a trigger in a safe situation that does not pose danger & coping with it, can help your amygdala re-learn that these cues aren’t actually signs of real danger. This process can help decrease the intensity & frequency of triggers over time.

Many survivors of trauma or viσlence will notice an improvement in post-traumatic symptoms naturally over time. For others, these symptoms might not improve on their own & can interfere with their daily lives.

If you notice that your triggers are affecting you & not improving, you might consider reaching out to your social network for support or consider seeking professional help to navigate recovery. You know yourself best & what type of support sounds right to you.

Welcome to Our Wave.

Questions & Answers

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Topics

I don't want to believe I was assaulted as a young child because I know this person very well and can't see it in them to act this way but I can recall details and have vivid flashbacks. What should I do? How do I seek help for this?

Is it normal to feel so much guilt and shame even years after the rape I experienced at the hands of my then boyfriend? He has lied and deceived me and that has added to my trauma. I also have incomplete memories of the event that I cannot remember clearly.

Does it count as sexual assault if I stopped the encounter halfway through?

I see some stories on the Our Wave platform have updates. How do I add an update to my story besides posting in the comments?

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

I got assaulted, but I don’t really feel anything...is something wrong with me?

How do I understand why something triggers me?

I don't want to believe I was assaulted as a young child because I know this person very well and can't see it in them to act this way but I can recall details and have vivid flashbacks. What should I do? How do I seek help for this?

Does it count as sexual assault if I stopped the encounter halfway through?

I see some stories on the Our Wave platform have updates. How do I add an update to my story besides posting in the comments?

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

I got assaulted, but I don’t really feel anything...is something wrong with me?

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

How do I understand why something triggers me?

Is it normal to feel so much guilt and shame even years after the rape I experienced at the hands of my then boyfriend? He has lied and deceived me and that has added to my trauma. I also have incomplete memories of the event that I cannot remember clearly.

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

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