Find Answers to Your Questions ~ Our Wave Community

Question 1

What are some ways to process sexual abuse experiences without immediate access to professional therapy or counseling?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this important question. Processing sexual abuse without immediate access to professional help can be challenging, but is often necessary in a world where mental health support can be costly and inaccessible. There are other strategies and resources out there that can support your healing journey. Here are some suggestions on how you might begin to process sexual abuse without a therapist or counselor:

1. Self-help books: There are many books written by experts and survivors that offer guidance and coping strategies.

2. Journaling: Writing about your experiences and feelings can be therapeutic. We have linked an online journaling tool created by me too international that we think can be helpful. If you prefer a physical journal that has self-guided prompts, there are many out there (we also have one for sale in our shop).

3. Online support groups or virtual communities: These can provide a sense of community, support, and shared understanding from others who have experienced similar things as you.

4. Mindfulness and meditation: These practices can help manage anxiety, reduce stress, promote emotion regulation, and decrease intrusive thoughts.

5. Creative expression: Art, music, or other creative outlets can be powerful healing tools.

6. Physical exercise: Regular physical activity can help manage stress and improve mood. This does not need to be formal exercise in a gym (though it can be). It can also include walking in nature, dancing to your favorite music, gentle stretching or yoga at home, gardening, swimming, or any form of movement that feels good to you. The key is to find activities that you enjoy and that make you feel connected to your body in a positive way. Remember, the goal is not to push yourself too hard, but to engage in movement that feels nurturing and empowering.

7. Photography: Use photography to explore and capture moments that feel healing or empowering to you. This can help you focus on positive experiences and track your healing journey visually.

8. Celebrate small victories: Acknowledge and celebrate your progress, no matter how small it might seem. This can boost your motivation and reinforce positive changes.

9. Set and celebrate healing goals: Establish realistic, achievable goals for your healing process and celebrate when you reach them. This can provide a sense of direction and accomplishment.

As a reminder, these methods aren't replacements for professional help, but they can be valuable tools in your healing process. Healing is a personal journey, and what works for one person may not work for another. It's okay to try different approaches and find what feels right for you. If professional help becomes available, consider taking advantage of it. If you feel that you are in crisis or in need of immediate support, access this free online survivior support hotline. Your wellbeing is important, and you deserve support in your healing journey.

Question 2

What is COCSA? What is considered COCSA between same aged, pre-adolescent children? Are there any resources or research on the subject to help determine what behavior is healthy vs. abusive?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. We receive a lot of questions about COCSA and I encourage you to read some of our other answers that relate to this as well as our recent blog post that summarizes what we know about it for more information.

COCSA stands for Child on Child Sexual Abuse. It refers to sexual activity between children that involves coercion, force, or lack of consent. Determining whether sexual behavior between children is abusive depends on factors like whether there is a significant age or developmental difference, use of force, coercion, or manipulation, and how the children feel about what happened.

Some sexual play and exploration between similarly-aged children is normal and healthy. Typical childhood sexual play is spontaneous, voluntary, lighthearted, easily diverted, balanced in power, and occurs between friends. Concerning signs include one child exerting power over the other, secrecy, strong emotions like anger or anxiety, and behaviors that are compulsive or adult-like.

Unfortunately, research on COCSA is still emerging and resources can be limited.

Some key takeaways are:

Sexual abuse between children is more common than many realize. As many as 40% of children who are sexually abused are abused by older, or more "powerful" children.
It can be hard to tell the difference between normal sexual play and abuse. Context, power dynamics, secrecy and consent are important factors to consider.
Effects of COCSA are similar to sexual abuse by adults, including shame, trauma, relationship difficulties and mental health challenges. All children involved need support.
There is still a lot of stigma and lack of understanding around this issue. More research, resources and supports are badly needed.

Thank you for asking a question about this important topic. We appreciate it.

Question 3

In the context sexual behaviour between children of the same or similar ages, what sort of behaviours might be considered coercion?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. When discussing sexual behavior among children or adolescents of similar ages, it's important to be sensitive to the developmental nuances surrounding healthy sexual exploration and areas where coercion can occur. Coercion in these contexts can take various forms, but generally involves pressuring or manipulating someone into sexual activity they're not comfortable with or ready for.

Some behaviors that might be considered coercive include: persistent pressure or begging after being told "no"; using guilt or emotional manipulation; making threats; ignoring clearly stated boundaries or requests to stop; taking advantage of someone who is intoxicated or otherwise unable to consent; using physical force or intimidation; and blackmail or threats to reveal private information or images.

It's crucial to teach young people about consent, healthy relationships, and respecting others' boundaries. Any sexual activity should be mutually agreed upon, with both parties feeling comfortable and free to change their minds at any time.

Healthy exploration in childhood typically involves:

Age-appropriate curiosity and activities
Mutual consent and comfort from all involved
Equal power dynamics (similar age, developmental stage, etc.)
Respect for boundaries and privacy
No coercion or pressure
Ability to stop activities without negative consequences

Potentially problematic behaviors experienced in childhood may include:

Large age gaps or significant differences in developmental stages
Lack of mutual consent or enthusiasm
Pressure, coercion, or manipulation
Ignoring expressed discomfort or attempts to stop
Secrecy enforced through threats or shame
Mimicking adult sexual behaviors beyond age-appropriate understanding
Causing physical or emotional distress

If you're concerned about a specific situation involving minors, it's best to consult with a child psychologist, school counselor, or other professional trained in adolescent development and sexuality. They can provide more tailored guidance and support. In addition, ChildHelp has an online chatline which can provide personalized support and resources in this area.

Question 4

When I was around 11, I initiated body rubbing with a younger sibling on about three occasions. As I got older, I realized this wasn't appropriate behavior, and I feel terrible guilt about it. Was there something wrong with me to do this? Is this normal behavior?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing your feelings about this deeply personal experience. It's understandable that you're grappling with guilt and confusion as you reflect on what happened when you were younger. The guilt and concern you feel shows that you understand boundaries now in ways you didn't as a child, and that recognition is actually a sign of healthy development and empathy.

When you were 11 years old, you were still very much a child, learning about yourself and the world around you. At that age, children often explore and test boundaries as part of their development, sometimes without fully understanding the appropriateness of their actions. Childhood sexual behaviors exist on a wide spectrum, and what you're describing falls into what many experts consider exploratory behavior that can occur during normal childhood development. At age 11, children are naturally curious about bodies and physical sensations, but they lack the cognitive development to fully understand concepts like consent, power dynamics, or the potential impact of their actions.

The age difference you mention does create a power imbalance that makes this behavior concerning, but it's important to understand that as an 11-year-old, you likely didn't have the developmental capacity to fully grasp these dynamics. Children often act on curiosity and physical impulses without the ability to predict or understand consequences the way adults do. Your brain was still developing the capacity for abstract thinking, impulse control, and understanding complex social and emotional consequences. This doesn't excuse the behavior, but it provides important context for understanding why it happened.

The fact that you now realize the behavior wasn't appropriate and that you feel remorse shows your growth and awareness. It's a sign of your moral development and empathy. Feeling guilty indicates that you care deeply about others and understand the importance of respecting boundaries. Many adults carry guilt about childhood behaviors that they later recognize as inappropriate or harmful. This guilt, while painful, often reflects growth and the development of a more sophisticated understanding of relationships, boundaries, and consent. The fact that you stopped this behavior and feel remorse suggests that your moral reasoning developed normally as you matured.

It's important to be compassionate with yourself. While you can't change the past, you can acknowledge your feelings and use this awareness to inform how you engage with others now. If these feelings of guilt continue to weigh heavily on you or if this experience continues to cause you distress, speaking with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood sexual behavior can be incredibly helpful. They can provide personalized support to help you process these feelings and develop healthy coping strategies.

Remember, making mistakes is a part of being human, and recognizing them is a crucial step toward personal growth. You deserve compassion and support as you work through these difficult emotions, including compassion for the child you were who was still learning about the world. Be kind to yourself as you navigate these complex feelings.

Question 5

I had an experience when I was young with another boy around my age which involved guilt tripping and other types of emotional manipulation into oral sex. It really impacted me, but I often struggle with feeling like my experience doesn't matter or isn't as serious as other forms of abuse despite all the research I did on the subject indicating it was child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA). How can I learn to accept that what happened impacted me and learn not to compare my experiences to others?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. I want to start by affirming that your experience absolutely matters, and the impact it had on you is valid and real. Child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) is a serious form of sexual violence that can have lasting effects on survivors, regardless of the age of the person who harmed you.

It's common for survivors of COCSA to struggle with minimizing their own experiences or comparing their trauma to others. Society often perpetuates the myth that abuse by another child isn't as harmful as abuse by an adult, or that boys can't be victims of sexual violence. These messages can make it difficult for survivors to acknowledge the weight of their own trauma and seek support.

However, it's crucial to remember everyone's trauma is unique. Trauma is not only determined by the events you have gone through, but also how you experienced those events and the ultimate effect those events have had on you. In this way, the severity of your experience is not measured by the specific acts that occurred, but by the emotional, psychological, and physical impact on you as an individual. Guilt-tripping, emotional manipulation, and coercion are all forms of abuse, even if physical force was not used. You were subjected to a violation of your boundaries, autonomy, and trust, and that is not something to be minimized. Learning to validate your own experiences and emotions is a process, but there are steps you can take to work towards self-acceptance and healing.

To start, remind yourself that your feelings are valid. When you catch yourself minimizing your experience, take a moment to pause and affirm your own emotions. You might say to yourself, "What happened to me was real, and it's okay to feel hurt/angry/scared/etc." You also want to challenge any negative self-talk you notice yourself having. When thoughts like "it wasn't that bad" or "others have it worse" come up, try to reframe them. Remind yourself, "My experience is not less significant because someone else had a different experience. My pain is valid."

It is also important to recognize that you deserve support and community. I would encourage you to seek support from a therapist who specializes in childhood sexual trauma. A professional can help you process your emotions, work through feelings of self-blame or doubt, and develop coping strategies for managing triggers and symptoms. You may also benefit from connecting with other survivors, either through support groups or online communities. Hearing others' stories and sharing your own can help combat feelings of isolation and validate your experiences.

Finally, treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a loved one in your situation. Acknowledge that healing is a process, and be patient with yourself as you navigate complex emotions. Remember, your experience is unique to you, and it's not helpful or necessary to compare it to anyone else's. What you went through was traumatic, and you deserve support, validation, and care as you heal. You are not alone in this journey and you do not need to go through this alone. You have a community of survivors behind you. Do not be afraid to claim that as your own.

Question 6

Is it sexual assault if an adult touches another adult's private parts without consent, but as a joke or to upset them rather than for sexual reasons? Also, is it considered sexual assault or COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) if a young child pressures another child into sexual acts to bully them, rather than for explicitly sexual reasons?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for these important questions. They highlight complex issues regarding consent, intent, and the definition of sexual assault.

Regarding the first scenario involving adults:

Any non-consensual touching of private parts is generally considered sexual assault, regardless of the intent behind it. The key factor here is the lack of consent, not the motivation of the person doing the touching. Whether it's done as a joke, to upset someone, or for sexual gratification, touching someone's private parts without their permission is a violation of bodily autonomy and can be deeply distressing for the person who experienced it.

It's crucial to understand that the impact on the person who experienced it is what matters most, not the intent of the person committing the act. Even if meant as a joke, such actions can cause significant trauma and are legally and ethically unacceptable. Only the person who experienced these acts, however, can truly label them. They are the expert of their own experiences.

Regarding the second scenario involving children:

When it comes to children, the situation is complex but equally serious. Child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) does not require the perpetrator to have explicitly sexual intent. If a child is pressuring another child into sexual acts, even if the primary motivation is to bully or upset them, it is still considered a form of sexual abuse.

The key factors here are:
1. The sexual nature of the acts
2. The element of coercion or pressure
3. The lack of informed consent (children cannot give informed consent to sexual acts)

The intent of the child doing the pressuring doesn't change the fact that sexual abuse is occurring. Whether driven by curiosity, a desire to exert power, or an attempt to bully, such behavior is harmful and requires intervention.

It's important to note that in cases of COCSA, both children involved need help and support. The child exhibiting sexually harmful behavior may themselves be a victim of abuse or may not understand the gravity of their actions.

If you or someone you know has experienced something like this, it's important to seek support. This could involve reaching out to a trusted adult, a counselor, or a sexual assault helpline. Remember, it's never the fault of the person who experienced these acts that these things happened to them. Thank you again for asking these questions.

Question 7

How long does it take for your mind to feel calm again after leaving a relationship? I broke up with my boyfriend 4 months ago and my mind feels so busy with memories of when he hurt me emotionally and sexually, mixed with memories of when he was nice to me. I feel alone and tired 💔

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting us with your feelings. You are not alone. It is entirely normal to wish for a calmer mind and to wonder when you'll finally get some peace from such painful, conflicting memories. While four months can feel like an eternity when you are struggling, it makes sense that your mind still feels busy and exhausted. It sounds like you have a lot to process. Your brain is doing important work right now, even though it feels overwhelming and tiring.

I wish I could give you a defined amount of time, but unfortumately there isn't a universal timeline for when your mind will feel calm again because healing isn't linear and everyone's journey looks different. Four months can sometimes seem like ages, but it often takes longer than we expect for our minds and hearts to quietly process what happened. You have been through a deeply distressing experience, and it's understandable that your thoughts still feel like they're spinning. The tiredness you're feeling is real and valid.

Healing from emotional and sexual harm can feel like riding an emotional rollercoaster. Your memories of the hurt may crash into thoughts of tender times that make you question everything. Many survivors notice waves of regret, anger, sorrow, and even occasional nostalgia, all intermingling. This does not mean that the difficult times weren't real or that your experiences weren't valid. Our minds are wired to recall the good alongside the bad, which can be confusing, yet it's also part of how we gradually come to terms with what we endured. When someone who hurt us was also sometimes caring or loving, it can create a kind of mental tug-of-war. You might find yourself questioning your decision, missing certain aspects of the relationship, feeling angry about the harm, or all of these things at once. All of those reactions are normal responses to a complicated situation.

Over time, these waves usually become less intense, and small moments of calm begin to expand. Though it may not feel like it in the moment, the busyness in your mind can subside. Healing tends to come in steps rather than in giant leaps, and often it's only in looking back that we realize our minds and hearts have become notably quieter. Processing memories of harm, especially when they're tangled up with moments of care or connection, takes enormous emotional energy, and it's genuinely exhausting work.

What often helps people move toward feeling calmer is having support during this process. The feeling of being alone that you mentioned can make everything feel heavier. If you can, consider talking to a support system you trust--someone who can hear you without dismissing your feelings. Reaching out to professionals or organizations that specialize in trauma support may also help you find edges of calm. These conversations can be a chance to unravel the thoughts that haunt you and learn gentle tools for coping. The loneliness you feel now can lessen when you allow yourself to share what you're going through, at your own pace and with people who truly understand. You don't have to process all of these memories and feelings by yourself.

It's not easy to handle so many memories. You deserve compassion from yourself just as much as from others. Until then, be kind to yourself as best you can, and remember you are not alone. There are people who care and who stand ready to remind you that you deserve peace, gentleness, and a future free from the chaos of these memories. Thank you for trusting us with this. We are here for you along your journey towards healing.

Question 8

Is it appropriate for a COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) survivor to use the CSA (child sexual abuse) survivor label, or should I specifically use the COCSA label? I often feel guilty using the CSA survivor label because others have told me I shouldn't use it since my experiences "weren't as bad" or are different from adult-perpetrated abuse. While I sometimes dismiss my own experiences, COCSA is a form of CSA that has impacted my life similarly to other survivors. I'm confused about whether using the CSA label would be inappropriate.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings about this with us. Your feelings of confusion about terminology are completely understandable and reflect a common struggle many survivors face when trying to name their experiences. What you experienced as a child was sexual abuse, regardless of the age of the person who harmed you. COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) is indeed a recognized form of child sexual abuse, not a separate or lesser category. The "CSA" in COCSA literally stands for child sexual abuse, affirming that your experiences fall under this broader umbrella.

The voices telling you that your experiences "weren't as bad" or that you shouldn't use certain labels are reflecting harmful misconceptions about sexual abuse. There is no hierarchy of trauma that determines whose experiences are "bad enough" to warrant support, healing, or appropriate terminology. Research consistently shows that COCSA can have profound and lasting impacts on survivors, including effects on relationships, self-esteem, sexuality, and mental health that mirror those experienced by survivors of adult-perpetrated abuse.

Labels can be incredibly helpful for some survivors as they provide validation, help connect with others who share similar experiences, and offer a framework for understanding what happened. For others, labels may feel limiting or unnecessary. You are the only person who has the right to decide how to describe your own experiences. Your right to identify with the CSA survivor community is not something that can be taken away by others' opinions about what qualifies as "real" abuse. Many COCSA survivors find connection and healing within broader CSA survivor spaces, while others prefer more specific communities or choose not to use labels at all. All of these choices are valid.

You are not appropriating anything by using the CSA label – you are accurately describing your lived experience. The tendency to minimize your own experiences is a common trauma response, but it doesn't reflect the reality of what you endured or your legitimate place in survivor communities. Trust your own understanding of what happened to you and what language, if any, serves your healing best. Thank you or reaching out to us.

Question 9

I see some stories on the Our Wave platform have updates.  How do I add an update to my story besides posting in the comments?

Accepted Answer

Hello! Thank you for asking this question. If you would like to add an update to your story, go to https://community.ourwave.org/find-story and enter your email connected to your story to get a secure update link. Once you have that link, you will be able to update your story. Please reach out to hello@ourwave.org if you have any additional questions related to this!

Question 10

I'm struggling with a recovered childhood memory of inappropriately touching my younger sibling when I was around 11-12 and they were 7-8. It was a one-time incident through clothes, and while I know I didn't have harmful intent, I feel overwhelming guilt and shame. I'm worried about potential trauma impact and unsure how to handle these feelings or if I should tell my family.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for having the courage to share this difficult memory with us. It's clear from your message that you feel deep remorse and care about your brother's wellbeing. It's important to understand that sexually reactive behavior in children can be complex and often stems from developmental factors, curiosity, or sometimes the child's own experiences of confusion around boundaries.

Your age at the time is significant. At 11-12, you were still developing understanding of appropriate boundaries and behavior. Children and adolescents often act without fully understanding the implications of their actions. While this doesn't minimize the seriousness of the incident, it's important to recognize that children at this age typically don't have the same capacity for understanding consequences as adults do. The fact that you never repeated the behavior and feel genuine remorse shows growth and moral development.

Carrying this kind of guilt alone can be incredibly heavy. You're not alone in grappling with difficult memories from your past. Speaking with a mental health professional who specializes in childhood trauma could help you process these feelings in a healthy way. They can provide a safe, confidential space to help you understand the context of your childhood behavior and develop strategies for managing shame while moving forward constructively.

If you're concerned about your brother's wellbeing, a counselor can also help you think through whether and how to address this with him or other family members. There's no universal "right" answer - what's most important is approaching any potential conversation with sensitivity and respect for everyone's emotional safety.

Remember that acknowledging past mistakes and feeling genuine remorse is part of growth and healing. You're showing tremendous thoughtfulness in reflecting on this experience and seeking support. While you can't change the past, you can choose to channel these feelings into becoming a more aware and emotionally responsible person. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate these complex emotions. Thank you so much for reaching out to us. You are not alone.

Question 11

I went out for drinks with a friend and he kept trying to touch me, repeatedly putting his hand on my thigh. Every time I pushed him away, his hand would move higher. Is this still considered sexual assault even though we were both fully clothed?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your experience. What you shared sounds like unwanted and repeated sexual touching that continued despite your clear physical boundaries. Sexual assault refers to any unwanted sexual contact without consent, regardless of whether clothes were involved or not. The fact that you repeatedly pushed his hand away clearly communicated your lack of consent, yet he persisted and even escalated by moving his hand higher.

Yes, unwanted touching, even over clothing, can be considered a form of sexual assault or sexual harassment. However, it's important to recognize that only you have the right to define and label your own experiences. Some people find that naming what happened helps them process their feelings and seek appropriate support, while others may find labels constraining or not fully reflective of their personal experience. Whatever terminology feels right to you—or choosing not to use specific terms at all—is completely valid.

Consent is essential in any physical interaction, and you have the absolute right to determine who touches you, when, and how - regardless of your relationship with that person, what you're wearing, or whether you're in a social situation like having drinks together.

Many survivors question their experiences, especially when the person who violated their boundaries was someone they knew and trusted. This self-doubt is common and doesn't invalidate what happened. It's completely understandable that you're feeling unsettled by what happened. Trust your instincts and feelings about this situation. Your discomfort was real and valid.

It's important to acknowledge that this behavior is not your fault, and you didn't do anything wrong. The responsibility for respecting boundaries always lies with the person initiating touch. You deserve to feel safe and respected in all situations, including when spending time with friends. Your body autonomy matters in all circumstances.

Healing from boundary violations takes time, and it's okay to seek support. If you're comfortable, consider talking to someone you trust about what happened—whether that's a friend, family member, or a professional who can offer support and guidance. Remember, you're not alone, and there are people who care about you and want to help. Taking care of yourself is the priority, and reaching out is a brave first step. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone.

Question 12

When I was around 6-7 years old, another child of a similar age repeatedly pressured, emotionally manipulated, and guilt-tripped me into engaging in oral sex. Despite me saying no numerous times, he continued to pressure me until I eventually complied. Does this count as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question and I am so sorry you experienced this. Based on the information you've shared, it sounds like what you experienced could be child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA). The repeated pressure, emotional manipulation, and guilt-tripping to engage in sexual acts, even though you both were young, is concerning and may constitute abusive behavior. Your repeated refusals should have been respected, and the fact that the other child continued to coerce you until you complied suggests a violation of your boundaries and autonomy.

It's essential to understand that consent is a crucial aspect of any sexual interaction, and children at such a young age cannot provide informed consent. If the other child's actions made you feel uncomfortable, pressured, or violated, your feelings are valid, and you are not to blame for what happened.

COCSA can have lasting effects on survivors, similar to those experienced by survivors of adult-perpetrated sexual abuse. It's common to feel confusion, guilt, or shame, but it's crucial to remember that you were a child who was manipulated and coerced into a situation you did not want to be in.

It's important to recognize that only you can define your experiences and how they have impacted you. Everyone processes and understands their trauma differently, and there is no right or wrong way to feel about what happened to you. Trust your own perceptions and emotions, and don't let anyone minimize or invalidate your experiences.

If you feel that you need support in processing these experiences, seeking help from a therapist who specializes in childhood sexual abuse can be incredibly beneficial. They can provide a safe space for you to explore your emotions, work through the trauma, and develop coping strategies.

Remember that you are not alone, and there are resources and support systems available to help you on your healing journey. Your experiences are valid, and your feelings matter. Be gentle with yourself and know that healing is possible.

We appreciate you reaching out and are here for you.

Question 13

I'm struggling to process an uncomfortable experience at a party. I initiated kissing with someone, but they proceeded to touch me inappropriately without my consent. Although I physically indicated I didn't want this by pushing their hand away multiple times, I continued kissing them. I'm confused about my reaction and unsure how to interpret or handle the situation. How can I process this experience, and what could I have done differently?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing this difficult experience. First and foremost, what happened to you was not your fault. The other person's actions were inappropriate and violated your boundaries. Consent for one activity (kissing) does not imply consent for other sexual acts. You clearly communicated your discomfort by pushing their hand away repeatedly, which should have been respected.

It's common to feel confused about your reactions in situations like this. Our bodies and minds can respond in complex ways to stressful or uncomfortable experiences. Continuing to kiss while feeling uncomfortable with other actions doesn't mean you consented to or wanted the unwanted touching. There could be many reasons for this reaction, including shock, fear, or simply not knowing how to handle the situation in the moment.

As you process this experience, remember that your feelings, whatever they may be, are valid. There's no "right" way to feel or react in these situations. It might be helpful to talk to a counselor or therapist who specializes in trauma and sexual consent issues. They can provide professional support as you work through your feelings and labeling what occured to you. Remember that in the future, you have the right to stop any sexual activity at any time, even if you initiated it or previously consented.

Practice self-compassion. Many people freeze or have difficulty reacting in overwhelming situations. This doesn't make what happened your fault. If you feel comfortable, consider discussing consent and boundaries with trusted friends or joining advocacy groups that promote awareness about these issues. Remember, healing is a process, and it's okay to take the time you need. If you're struggling, don't hesitate to reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or a helpline for additional support. Thanks for reaching out to us. You are not alone.

Question 14

When I was 16, my 15-year-old boyfriend pressured me into sexual activity at a party. I have autism and struggle with social cues. I didn't want to do it but nodded after he kept begging. I never told him to stop, but afterwards I left and threw up. I felt very uncomfortable afterward but never told him. Was this assault? Is it valid if the other person was younger?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this deeply personal experience. It sounds like a difficult situation, and your feelings about it are important. While I can provide information and perspective based on what you've shared, only you can decide how to label what happened to you. No one else can tell you how to feel about it or what to call it. Your feelings are valid, whatever they are.

The situation you've described has many elements that imply that it may have been sexually coercive. Let's talk about sexual coercion. This is when someone pressures or tricks another person into sexual activity they don't want. It can include:

Asking over and over until the person gives in
Making the person feel guilty for saying no
Threatening to end the relationship if the person doesn't agree

In your situation, your boyfriend kept asking even though you didn't want to. This is a form of pressure. Even though you nodded, you shared that you did not really want to do it. True consent means both people are happy and excited to participate. Consent should be enthusiastic, freely given, and can be revoked at any time. Pressure or coercion, even from a partner, does not allow for true consent.

It's important to know that:

It doesn't matter that he was younger. Anyone can pressure someone else, regardless of age.
You don't have to say "no" out loud for it to count as not wanting something.
Feeling sick afterwards is a sign that something wasn't right for you.

Your autism might make it harder to understand social situations or express your feelings. This is not your fault. Your boyfriend should have paid attention to your comfort, not just looked for a nod.

It's a common misconception that assault only occurs when someone explicitly says "no." In reality, the absence of an enthusiastic "yes" should be treated as a "no." Your reluctance and the need for repeated convincing should have been respected as a lack of consent.

It's understandable to feel conflicted about this, especially given your relationship with him and your own challenges with social communication. However, it's important to recognize that you're not responsible for his actions. He should have been more attentive to your comfort and willingness.

Moving forward, it might be helpful to speak with a therapist who specializes in autism and trauma. They can help you process this experience and develop strategies for clearer communication in future relationships. Remember, your feelings are valid, and it's okay to set boundaries and expect them to be respected, regardless of your neurodiversity or the age of your partner.

Most importantly, remember that healing is a personal journey. How you choose to label or process this experience may change over time, and that's okay. Your feelings and interpretations are valid at every stage of your healing process. Thank you so much for reaching out to us. You are not alone.

Question 15

When I was around 6-7, my older sister (11-12) would initiate 'tongue kissing' with me. While I never verbally objected, I felt uncomfortable and guilty afterward. I had forgotten about this until recently (I'm now 22), but these memories keep surfacing. I'm struggling with physical intimacy in my relationships and wonder if there's a connection. I have several questions. Am I overreacting to these memories?
Could my mind be fabricating these experiences?
Is it possible there were other incidents I can't remember? Could this be related to my difficulty with physical intimacy in relationships? I also suspect my sister may have been sexually abused herself, though I'm not certain.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting us with this. Your memories and feelings are completely valid, and you are not overreacting. What you're describing was inappropriate sexual contact, though it's important to recognize that your sister was a child herself. Memory gaps and delayed recognition of childhood trauma are common protective responses of our brains. Children sometimes engage in inappropriate behavior without fully understanding the impact of their actions, often due to natural curiosity or, sometimes, their own experiences of abuse.

Many survivors develop difficulties with physical intimacy later in life, which can manifest as discomfort with touch, emotional disconnection during intimate moments, or anxiety about sexual activities. These are normal responses to early boundary violations. The fact that these memories are surfacing now, along with questions about possible gaps in your memory, is also very common with childhood trauma. Our minds often protect us by tucking away difficult experiences until we're better equipped to process them.

Building healthy intimacy takes time and patience. This might involve establishing clear boundaries with partners, practicing "time-outs" during physical intimacy when needed, and starting with simple forms of touch like hand-holding before progressing at your own pace.

Your sister's young age adds a complex layer to process. While her age provides context and may help explain her actions, it doesn't invalidate your feelings or minimize the impact these experiences have had on you. Whether or not she understood the implications of her behavior at the time, your feelings of discomfort and their lasting effects are completely valid.

A trauma-informed therapist can help you process these memories safely, understand their impact on your relationships, and develop healthy intimacy skills at your own pace. They can help you navigate the complicated feelings that arise when the person who caused harm was also a child themselves, as well as address any concerns about memory gaps or recovered memories. We appreciate you reaching out to us. You are not alone.

Question 16

I'm struggling with some unclear memories from when I was in primary school and wondering if I may have committed COCSA (Child-on-child sexual assault). I have vague memories of kissing a boy without consent (a teacher supposedly saw and told me to stop) and kissing a distant cousin without asking, but these memories are very blurry unlike my usual detailed recall. I'm not sure if these memories are real or not, and I'm scared and don't know what to do or how to find out if I actually did these things.

Accepted Answer

What you're experiencing sounds incredibly distressing, thank you for trusting us with this. The anxiety and confusion you're feeling about unclear childhood memories is actually quite common. You're not alone in grappling with these difficult questions.

Childhood sexual behaviors exist on a spectrum, and many behaviors that occur between children of similar ages are considered normal developmental exploration rather than sexual assault. Young children are naturally curious about bodies and may engage in behaviors like kissing, touching, or "playing doctor" as part of normal development. These behaviors typically happen between children of similar ages and developmental stages, involve curiosity rather than power or coercion, and stop when adults redirect them.

The memories you're describing sound like they may fall into this category of childhood exploration, especially given that you were in primary school at the time. Children this age are still learning about boundaries, consent, and appropriate behavior. When adults intervene in these situations, it's typically to teach and redirect rather than to punish, which aligns with what you described about the teacher telling you to stop.

Memory is inherently unreliable, particularly for childhood events and especially when we're experiencing anxiety or intrusive thoughts about them. Our minds can construct scenarios based on fears, things we've heard about, or fragments of different experiences. The distress you're feeling about these potential memories can actually make them feel more real and significant than they may actually be.

What's most important right now is addressing the anxiety and distress these thoughts are causing you. This kind of intrusive worry about past actions is something many people experience, and it doesn't reflect who you are as a person today. Consider speaking with a counselor or therapist who can help you work through these concerns in a supportive environment. They can help you understand the difference between childhood developmental behaviors and harmful actions, and provide strategies for managing intrusive thoughts and anxiety.

Remember that your current concern and distress about the possibility of having caused harm actually demonstrates your moral compass and empathy. People who commit intentional sexual violence typically don't experience this kind of genuine worry about their past actions. Your care and concern for others is evident in your question, and that speaks to your character today. Thank you for tarusting us with this. You are not alone.

Question 17

I've experienced abuse from multiple people throughout my life. When I've tried to share my story before, others have asked me to stop because they found it too difficult to hear. I want to share my experiences in a way that might help other survivors/ victims, but I'm unsure if this is an appropriate space. Is it okay to share a longer, complex story about survival here?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting us enough to consider sharing your story. It must have been difficult to have others ask you to stop sharing in the past - that experience alone can feel like another layer of silencing on top of what you've already endured. Living through multiple experiences of abuse is already overwhelming; being unable to fully share your truth adds another burden you shouldn't have to carry.

Yes, this is absolutely an appropriate place to share your full story. This platform was created specifically to provide a safe space for survivors to share their experiences without censorship or judgment, no matter how complex or lengthy they may be. Many survivors find that being able to tell their complete story, in their own words and at their own pace, can be an important part of their healing journey. The anonymous nature of this platform allows you to share freely while maintaining your privacy and safety.

As you prepare to share, I want to offer some gentle considerations to help you feel supported in the process. Consider taking breaks while writing if memories feel overwhelming, and have some grounding tools ready if needed. Remember that you're in control of your narrative - you can share as much or as little detail as feels right for you, and you can use content warnings to help other readers prepare themselves. There's no rush, and you can take all the time you need.

Many survivors have found that seeing others' complete stories helped them feel less alone in their own experiences. Your story, in its entirety, could be that light for someone else. Sharing anonymously is just as valid and courageous as telling someone face to face - sometimes even more so, as it allows others to find comfort in your words when they need it most.

We're here to support you in this process. Thank you so much for trusting us with your experiences. You are not alone.

Question 18

I previously asked about inappropriate touch I engaged in when I was 9. I realize I didn't share the full picture. When I was younger, my brother and I kissed inappropriately a few times. An adult saw us and told us to stop, and it didn't happen again. During this same time, I tried to kiss my parent in a similar way and was told it wasn't appropriate. I remember later telling my brother we weren't allowed to do that when he tried again. I'm feeling guilty about not sharing this whole truth before and have an overwhelming sense that I'm a horrible person. How do I move forward?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us again. What you're describing doesn't change the core truth from your previous question - you were a child exploring boundaries without adult understanding or intent.

At seven years old, children naturally explore relationships and social norms through curiosity. The behaviors you describe are common childhood exploration, which is why the adults in your life responded with gentle correction rather than alarm. Most importantly, you internalized those boundaries and even guided your brother when he tried again, showing healthy development and respect for rules.

The guilt you're carrying now reflects the caring person you've become, but you're applying adult moral reasoning to childhood actions that were developmentally normal. Children who engage in sexual behaviors aren't "bad" children - they're children processing their experiences and learning boundaries. The shame belongs to any circumstances that may have influenced these behaviors, not to you as a person.

If these feelings continue to overwhelm you, a trauma-informed counselor can provide personalized support for processing these complex emotions. You deserve to move forward without carrying shame for childhood misunderstandings that don't define your worth. Be gentle with yourself - you're not a horrible person, and it's okay to let go of this guilt.

Question 19

Would touching a sleeping 9-year-old's breast and genitals be considered COCSA or criminal behavior? Does the age of the older child (14-15 versus 11-12) make a difference in how this would be viewed? I saw another post where brief touching out of curiosity by an 11-12 year old wasn't considered COCSA. What makes situations different. Is it the sleeping aspect, the age difference, or a combination of factors?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out with this thoughtful question. The scenario you're describing (where a 14 or 15 year old touched a sleeping 9 year old's breast and genitals) would generally be considered concerning harmful sexual behavior and could fall under the category of child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA). There are several factors that make this situation different from the brief curiosity-driven touch you referenced. The combination of the significant age gap (five to six years), the developmental stage of the older child, the intimate nature of the areas touched (both breast and genitals), and critically, the fact that the younger child was asleep creates a very different context.

When a child is asleep, they cannot consent, respond, set boundaries, or indicate discomfort. This removes the younger child's ability to participate in what's happening to their body in any way. The sleeping aspect is significant because it suggests intentionality and awareness on the part of the older child. They knew the younger child was unconscious and unable to respond. At 14 or 15, youth are typically well past the age of normative sexual curiosity exploration and have developed an understanding of privacy, consent, and boundaries. They're also in a very different developmental stage than an 11 or 12 year old.

In contrast, brief touching that immediately stops when a boundary is indicated, especially by a younger child still navigating early puberty, may reflect developmentally normal (though still inappropriate) curiosity rather than abusive behavior. The key differences include the responsiveness to boundaries, the age and developmental gap, whether the touch was sustained or exploratory, and whether the younger child had agency in the moment. Criminal definitions vary significantly by jurisdiction, but many places do have laws addressing sexual contact with minors, even when perpetrated by other minors, particularly when there are substantial age differences and when the behavior involves deliberate touching of intimate areas while the victim is unable to consent.

Question 20

As someone with OCD, I'm struggling with guilt over childhood sexual experimentation that occurred when I was about 14. This involved fully-clothed body rubbing with three female friends, including my 11-year-old stepsister. It was consensual and happened a few times. My therapist says this wasn't abuse, given my lack of ill intent and my own childlike status at the time. However, I'm worried because some definitions suggest such experimentation could be considered abuse. I had no understanding of arousal or orgasms then, and my stepsister has confirmed she never felt wronged. As a mother now, this guilt is affecting my adult life. Can you provide clarity on whether this constitutes Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse (COCSA), considering the circumstances?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us. It takes courage to share such a personal experience and seek clarity. It's evident that this situation has caused you significant distress, and your concern reflects a deep sense of empathy and responsibility.

It's important to recognize that your feelings of guilt and worry are valid, even as we examine the context of the situation. While only you and the people you did this with can label the experiences you described, my assessment is the behaviors you shared--consensual, clothed body rubbing with peers during your early adolescence--generally fall within the realm of normal childhood sexual exploration, rather than abuse.

It's also significant that your therapist, who has a comprehensive understanding of your history, has assessed that this wasn't abuse. Their professional opinion, combined with the lack of force, coercion, or ill intent on your part, and the fact that your stepsister has confirmed she never felt wronged, all point towards this being a case of age-appropriate exploration rather than COCSA.

Your OCD may be causing you to hyperfocus on this past event, magnifying your feelings of guilt and worry. While these feelings are understandable, it's important to try to view this situation in the context of normal childhood development. Your lack of understanding about arousal or orgasms at the time further suggests that your actions were not sexually motivated in an adult sense.

Moving forward, it may be helpful to continue working with your therapist on strategies to manage these intrusive thoughts and feelings. Remember, your concern about this shows your strong moral compass and your commitment to being a caring, responsible person and mother. It's okay to acknowledge that while you're worried about your past actions, the context and circumstances suggest that you did not cause harm or engage in abusive behavior.

Healing from anxiety and intrusive thoughts about past experiences is a journey. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you work through these feelings. Your dedication to understanding and doing the right thing is clear, and that in itself is a positive attribute. Thank you for trusting us with this. Be gentle with yourself. You are not alone.

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Topics

What are some ways to process sexual abuse experiences without immediate access to professional therapy or counseling?

What is COCSA? What is considered COCSA between same aged, pre-adolescent children? Are there any resources or research on the subject to help determine what behavior is healthy vs. abusive?

In the context sexual behaviour between children of the same or similar ages, what sort of behaviours might be considered coercion?

When I was around 11, I initiated body rubbing with a younger sibling on about three occasions. As I got older, I realized this wasn't appropriate behavior, and I feel terrible guilt about it. Was there something wrong with me to do this? Is this normal behavior?

How long does it take for your mind to feel calm again after leaving a relationship? I broke up with my boyfriend 4 months ago and my mind feels so busy with memories of when he hurt me emotionally and sexually, mixed with memories of when he was nice to me. I feel alone and tired 💔

I see some stories on the Our Wave platform have updates. How do I add an update to my story besides posting in the comments?

I went out for drinks with a friend and he kept trying to touch me, repeatedly putting his hand on my thigh. Every time I pushed him away, his hand would move higher. Is this still considered sexual assault even though we were both fully clothed?

What are some ways to process sexual abuse experiences without immediate access to professional therapy or counseling?

When I was around 11, I initiated body rubbing with a younger sibling on about three occasions. As I got older, I realized this wasn't appropriate behavior, and I feel terrible guilt about it. Was there something wrong with me to do this? Is this normal behavior?

How long does it take for your mind to feel calm again after leaving a relationship? I broke up with my boyfriend 4 months ago and my mind feels so busy with memories of when he hurt me emotionally and sexually, mixed with memories of when he was nice to me. I feel alone and tired 💔

What is COCSA? What is considered COCSA between same aged, pre-adolescent children? Are there any resources or research on the subject to help determine what behavior is healthy vs. abusive?

I went out for drinks with a friend and he kept trying to touch me, repeatedly putting his hand on my thigh. Every time I pushed him away, his hand would move higher. Is this still considered sexual assault even though we were both fully clothed?

In the context sexual behaviour between children of the same or similar ages, what sort of behaviours might be considered coercion?

I see some stories on the Our Wave platform have updates. How do I add an update to my story besides posting in the comments?

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