Find Answers to Your Questions ~ Our Wave Community

Question 1

I was sexually coerced by a friend of mine. I feel so guilty for avoiding him and feel as though I am doing the wrong thing, but I oscillate between hating him and not wanting him to feel bad/excluded. I hate feeling this way. Is this normal after assault by a friend?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for this question. It can be so difficult to navigate situations when we are in social circles with people who have caused us harm in the past.

The feelings you are feeling, while challenging, are not uncommon for people who have experienced sexual coersion the way you have. Survivors of sexual coercion and assault often feel conflicted and confused about their feelings towards the person who harmed them, especially if they knew them beforehand.

Your feelings are absolutely valid. While it is natural to feel some guilt, you have the right to make choices that prioritize your safety and well-being. Avoiding the person who sexually coerced you is a completely understandable response, and it's okay to take steps to protect yourself.

We hope this goes without saying, but it is NOT your fault what happened to you. Consent needs to be clear and enthusiastic for it to be valid. No matter what the circumstances were, no one has the right to touch you without your consent. It's not your responsibility to make this person feel better or to justify your choices to anyone else. But we understand that this is a challenging situation to navigate.

It is hard to say whether or not this person knows the extent of the harm they caused. And it is up to you whether or not you feel comfortable telling them about that harm. At the end of the day, you need to do what is right for you and your healing. There is no right or wrong answer, but do not sacrifice your comfort for theirs. Your feelings matter too.

Thank you again for reaching out to us. We are here for you every step of the way. You are not alone.

Question 2

Is it considered sexual abuse if someone started touching me without asking for verbal consent, and I reciprocated only because I felt that's what they expected and that I had to respond? I didn't really want to, but I felt obligated to participate.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing this difficult experience and for having the courage to seek clarity. Your question is not uncommon and touches on important aspects of consent and sexual abuse.

In situations like the one you've described, where there was no verbal consent and you felt obligated to reciprocate even though you didn't really want to, this could indeed be considered a form of sexual abuse or coercion. Consent should always be enthusiastic, ongoing, and freely given - not something you feel pressured into or obligated to provide.

It's important to understand that sexual abuse doesn't always involve explicit force or verbal threats. Feeling unable to say no or feeling that you "have to" participate are signs that true consent was absent. Your body's response or your decision to reciprocate in the moment doesn't negate the lack of initial consent or the pressure you felt.

Many survivors have similar experiences and struggle with feelings of confusion or self-doubt afterwards. It's common to freeze or comply in these situations as a survival mechanism. This doesn't mean you consented or that what happened was okay.

Your feelings about this experience are valid, whatever they may be. It's okay if you're unsure how to label what happened or if your feelings about it are complex or changing. Healing from such experiences is a personal journey, and there's no "right" way to feel or respond.

If you're struggling with this memory or its impacts, consider reaching out to a counselor or therapist who specializes in sexual trauma. They can provide a safe space to process your feelings and help you develop coping strategies.

Remember, you're not alone in this. Many people have grappled with similar experiences. It's okay to take time to process your feelings and to seek support if you need it. Your well-being is important, and you deserve to feel safe, respected, and in control in all your interactions. Thank you for reaching out to us. You are not alone.

Question 3

A few years ago, I had a memory resurface of when I was 11-12 years old. I briefly (for a few seconds) placed the back of my hand on a family friend's (5-year-old male) private area. I remember him saying 'that is my private area' and I immediately removed my hand and never did that again. I'm not sure why I did it. I had a lot of sexual curiosity at that age and exposure to pornography. No other sexual actions occurred between us, and there was no intent to do anything sexual. I think I was just curious. I spoke to a therapist who said this wasn't COCSA or any sexual crime, and that it's not uncommon. She noted that although there was an age difference, there were no sexual actions taken or force/manipulation used. Do you agree with my therapist? I'm not sure if this was a crime or just normal childhood exploration.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing this memory with us and seeking clarity about it. The confusion and concern you are feeling are completely understandable, and it shows your care for others that you're reflecting on this experience thoughtfully.

Your therapist's assessment aligns with what many professionals would consider about this situation. What you're describing appears to be a brief moment of childhood curiosity rather than COCSA or criminal behavior. Several factors support this. For example, the contact was very brief, you immediately stopped when the other child expressed his boundary, there seemed to be no force or manipulation involved, and you never repeated the behavior.

Childhood sexual curiosity is developmentally normal, even when there are age differences involved. Children often explore through touch and observation as they try to understand bodies and differences. The key distinguishing factors that separate normal exploration from concerning behavior include the presence of coercion, repeated boundary violations after being told to stop, or behaviors that cause distress or harm.

Your immediate response to his boundary-setting shows that your childhood curiosity was not driven by harmful intent. You respected his "no" instantly and completely. This is actually a positive indicator that you were engaging in typical childhood exploration rather than problematic behavior.

The exposure to pornography at a young age likely did increase your sexual curiosity, as it does for many children. However, this doesn't mean your actions were predatory or criminal. You were still a child processing confusing information you weren't developmentally ready for.

Many adults carry shame about childhood moments that seem inappropriate through an adult lens, even when those moments were within the range of normal childhood development. The fact that this memory troubles you demonstrates your moral awareness and empathy, not evidence that you did something seriously wrong. Thank you for reaching out to us. We hope this helped ease your mind.

Question 4

My cousin, who was slightly older, pressured me into exposing myself when I was younger (around 8-12 years old). I don't remember him touching me, but I've blocked out many memories. For years, I convinced myself it was just a dream. Now that I am older, I'm facing what happened, but I'm unsure how to label my experience. Can I say I was sexually assaulted or harassed? I don't want to use a label that isn't accurate.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing your experience. What you've been through is difficult, and reaching out to us takes a lot of courage. Thank you for trusting us with something so personal.

I want you to know that what you've described can certainly be a form of sexual abuse, specifically child-on-child sexual abuse. Your cousin's behavior of pressuring you to expose yourself was inappropriate and seems to be harmful to you, regardless of whether physical touching occurred. It's important to understand that sexual harassment and abuse do not need to involve actual touching to be valid or impactful.

One key factor in distinguishing abusive behavior from normal childhood exploration is the presence of distress or discomfort. The fact that you didn't want to participate and felt pressured indicates that this was not mutual, consensual exploration. Your feelings of discomfort and the lasting impact of these experiences further suggest that this was abusive behavior.

The process of labeling such experiences can be complex and deeply personal. You are the expert of your own experience, and your feelings and perceptions are valid regardless of how you choose to describe what happened to you. Some survivors find using specific labels empowering as it can validate their feelings, help them understand their experiences, and potentially access specific resources or support. Labels can also provide clarity for legal purposes if that ever becomes relevant. However, others may choose not to label their experiences due to the complexity of their situation, discomfort with certain terms, uncertainty due to fragmented memories, or as part of their personal healing process.

In terms of specific labels, what you've described could be accurately termed as sexual abuse, sexual coercion, or sexual harassment. The term "sexual assault" is often used when there's physical contact, but definitions can vary. "Sexual abuse" is a more general term that might be the most appropriate for your situation, but it's entirely up to you whether you want to use this or any other term.

It's completely okay if you're unsure about how to label your experience or if you prefer not to label it at all. Your healing journey is personal, and what matters most is finding ways to process your experiences and emotions that feel right for you.

Also, it's common for survivors to block out or have fragmented memories of abuse as a coping mechanism. Your mind's way of dealing with it by telling yourself it was a dream is also a normal response to trauma. Many survivors use similar strategies to cope with difficult experiences. As you continue to process these experiences, consider speaking with a trauma-informed therapist who can provide personalized support and guidance.

Remember, whether or not you choose to use a specific label, your experiences and feelings are valid. The pressure and coercion you experienced were real and distressing for you. Be patient and compassionate with yourself throughout this process and prioritize what you need to heal going forward. Thank you again for reaching out to us. You are not alone.

Question 5

I am 24 and lately I've been recalling a childhood memory from when I was 4 years old, playing with my doll in a sexual way. I was aware it wasn't appropriate because I remember hiding it when my mother approached. A few years later, I recall making my dolls engage in sexual acts. I don't have memories before this age, and my later memories don't include similar behaviors. I haven't discussed this with anyone. Was I just a "weird child" or could it possibly indicate I experienced sexual abuse?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing something so personal and difficult to discuss. Many adults look back at childhood behaviors and wonder what they might mean, especially when they involve sexual play at a young age.

Children are naturally curious about their bodies and the world around them. At age four, exploring one's body and experiencing different sensations is often a normal part of development. Using dolls in play that involves body exploration can be a way for children to understand and process new feelings, even without fully grasping what they're doing. Your awareness about hiding these actions when you heard your mother suggests that even at a young age, you had picked up on subtle social cues about privacy and what behaviors were considered appropriate in different contexts.

As for making dolls engage in sexual acts when you were older, imaginative play can sometimes reflect things a child has seen or heard in their environment. This exposure doesn't necessarily mean direct abuse; it could come from inadvertently witnessing a scene on television, overhearing adult conversations, or other indirect sources. Children often process and make sense of their world through play.

It's also completely normal not to have memories before age 4. Most people experience what psychologists call "childhood amnesia," where early memories aren't stored in ways that allow later conscious recall.

What's most important is how these memories are affecting you now. There's nothing "weird" about you for having had these experiences or for questioning them as an adult. Being curious about your past and wanting to understand yourself better shows self-awareness and thoughtfulness. If these thoughts continue to cause you distress, speaking with a trauma-informed therapist could provide a supportive space to explore these questions at your own pace, without imposing any particular interpretation on your experiences.

Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone.

Question 6

What should you do if you experienced repeated victimization at a young age and were unaware that you were coerced by an adult to inflict child-on-child sexual abuse onto other children? How can you make amends with the people you harmed?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for sharing this experience with us. I imagine coming to that realization was extremely challenging for you and may have left you with many questions and fears. To start, I want to acknowledge your own vicitimzation that you experienced. The abuse you experienced matters and is important, despite the harm this person may have manipulated you to do in the aftermath.

The first thing you can do is acknowledge the trauma you experienced and work towards your own healing. This may involve seeking support from experienced mental health professionals who can provide trauma-informed therapy tailored to your specific needs. It may also involve engaging in self-care practices, cultivating a supportive social network, and participating in trauma-informed support groups to foster a sense of safety, self-reflection, and community. If you are not ready for more formalized support, holistic approaches such as mindfulness, creative expression, and physical activities can also contribute to the healing process by promoting emotional regulation and self-discovery. You want to be sure you are in a good place mentally and physically before you address the harm you may have unintentionally caused others.

If you are considering apologizing and trying to make amends to the people you have harmed, it is crucial to approach the situation with genuine remorse, accountability, and respect for the other person's boundaries. Prior to initiating contact, reflect on your actions and their impact, and be prepared to take full responsibility for the harm caused. While it is important to give yourself some grace given the circumstances of the abuse you experienced, communicate your apology sincerely, without making excuses or expecting forgiveness, and be receptive to the other person's response, whether they choose to accept your apology or not. Additionally, demonstrating tangible efforts to change harmful behavior and seeking guidance from a qualified professional can further facilitate the process of making amends and promoting healing for all parties involved.

You do not need to go through this alone. You may want to consider seeking guidance from a qualified mental health professional to address the underlying impacts of this realization, understand the consequences of your actions, and develop a comprehensive plan to ensure the safety and support of those affected. They can help you practice having these difficult conversations and support you in the aftermath.

In addition, engaging in restorative justice practices with a trained facilitator may also be a way to have a more structured conversation about the harm caused and how to make amends, if parties agree to do so. Restorative justice for sexual harm often entails facilitated dialogues between the survivors and the person who caused harm, along with other affected parties, aiming to foster understanding, accountability, and healing. This process typically includes acknowledging the harm, discussing its impact, and collaboratively devising a plan for restitution, often under the guidance of trained facilitators or mediators.

No matter what you decide, we sincerely appreciate you sharing this experience with us. We hope this answer gave you some direction to move forward with, recognizing this situation is extremely delicate and complicated.

You are not alone.

Question 7

I experienced two years of sexual harassment and unwanted touching from a former friend, and my entire friend group turned against me. When I discovered my parents' hurtful text messages about the situation, I felt like I deserved what happened and haven't told anyone for the past year. Instead, I turned to unhealthy coping mechanisms and my life spiraled. Now my parents don't trust me, but they don't know about the trauma I never processed. I want to tell them so they understand my behavior, but I'm afraid of causing them stress. I feel trapped between needing to appear perfect and hiding my struggles. What should I do?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for reaching out to us. First, I want to be absolutely clear: you did not deserve what happened to you. Sexual harassment and unwanted touching are never your fault, regardless of how "nice" someone is or any other circumstance. The fact that your friend group turned against you and your parents' messages were unsupportive only added layers of harm to an already painful situation.

When we experience trauma, our brain seeks ways to manage overwhelming emotions and regain control. Your turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms was your brain trying to protect you the only way it knew how. Similarly, the pressure you feel to maintain a perfect image is a common protective response. When we've experienced violation and betrayal, sometimes we try to control everything else in our lives to feel safe. This perfectionistic behavior can feel like armor - if you do everything "right," maybe you can prevent future hurt or finally earn the support and understanding you deserve. But this is an impossible and exhausting standard to maintain.

Your worth isn't determined by your perfection. The mistakes you've made while trying to cope with trauma don't make you less deserving of support and understanding. In fact, trying to maintain a perfect facade often prevents us from getting the help we truly need. It's like trying to heal a deep wound while pretending you're not bleeding - it only makes the healing process harder and lonelier.

Regarding telling your parents, while opening up could help them understand your behavior better, you need to prioritize your emotional safety. Consider preparing for the conversation by writing down your thoughts first, even if you never share them. Choose a calm time and neutral location, and ensure you have support lined up for afterward. You don't have to share everything at once - you can decide what feels safe to disclose.

When you do have the conversation, you might start with "I need to share something difficult that happened to me." Use "I" statements to express your feelings, like "I felt alone" or "I need support right now." When addressing the texts you saw, you could say something like "When I saw those messages, I felt completely alone and like I deserved what happened." Express that maintaining a perfect image has been exhausting and that you need space to be honest about your struggles. Remember that you can take breaks whenever needed - it's okay to say you need a moment.

There are several ways to approach this conversation. You might start with one parent if you feel closer to them, have a counselor present for support, share information gradually over several conversations, or write them a letter and be present while they read it. The approach you choose should be what feels safest and most manageable for you.

Throughout this process, remember that you control how much you share and when. Their initial reaction isn't necessarily their final one, and you can pause or stop the conversation at any point. You don't have to justify or explain your actions or feelings, and you don't need to manage their emotions - focus on expressing your needs. If they respond poorly, this reflects their limitations, not your worth. Real strength isn't about being perfect - it's about being honest with yourself and others about your struggles.

Healing isn't linear, and you don't have to be perfect. You've survived something incredibly difficult, and you're showing tremendous strength by recognizing you need support and wanting to address this. Take things one step at a time. The first priority is getting support for yourself. Everything else, including conversations with your parents, can happen when and if you feel ready and have the right support in place. Your feelings and experiences are valid, and you deserve support in processing them, whether or not you choose to tell your parents right now. Remember, the people who truly care about you don't need you to be perfect - they just need you to be real.

Question 8

I experienced several instances of sexual boundary violations beginning when I was 3 years old, involving older children who had themselves been exposed to abuse. At age 7, I repeated some of these behaviors with a younger friend, treating it as a 'game' like it had been presented to me. Years later in high school, this friend tried to reconnect with me, but I avoided her out of guilt. Am I a bad person? Was this COCSA (Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse)? How can I manage my guilt, especially when my friend seemed ready to forgive me?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. It takes immense courage to reflect on and talk about such difficult childhood experiences, especially ones that have been weighing on you for so long.

What you've described reflects a common pattern in childhood sexual behaviors that stem from early exposure to inappropriate sexual content or experiences. The situations you encountered with the older boys at ages 3, 5-6, and 6 sound like boundary violations where you were harmed, and it's crucial to understand that none of this was your fault. Children often learn and mimic behaviors from those around them, especially when they lack proper guidance or education about boundaries and consent.

When you later repeated these behaviors with your friend at age 7, it's important to recognize that you were still a child trying to make sense of the experiences you'd been exposed to. Children at that age don't have the cognitive or emotional maturity to fully understand the consequences of such actions. You didn't have malicious intent or the awareness to grasp the potential impact.

Your current feelings of guilt actually reflect your growth, empathy, and the person you've become. It's natural to look back with adult understanding and feel responsible for actions taken as a child. However, this guilt is also a sign of your moral compass and emotional development, not evidence that you are a "bad person." You were a child responding to experiences without adequate protection or guidance.

Regarding your friend who wanted to reconnect in high school, her willingness to befriend you suggests she may not hold negative feelings about the past or perhaps doesn't view it through the same lens of harm that you now do as an adult. People process experiences differently, and her openness to friendship could be meaningful.

To work toward healing and easing the guilt you feel, consider acknowledging your feelings as valid while understanding the context of your childhood. Many survivors find that working with a trauma-informed therapist can help process these complex emotions and develop self-compassion.

Remember that healing is a journey, and it's okay to take the time you need. You deserve compassion and forgiveness—especially from yourself. Our past experiences shape us but don't define who we are today. You've grown and learned, which is evident in your reflection and concern about these past events. Thank you for trusting us with this. We appreciate you.

Question 9

I'm trying to understand something that happened in my childhood with my stepsister. My memories are hazy, but I remember engaging in inappropriate physical contact with her a few times. We were close in age (I was a few months older), and though we both initiated at different times, I feel guilty because I had experienced sexual abuse from an adult when I was 8 and feel I should have known better.

The contact didn't involve nudity or direct touching of private areas, but rather rubbing our bodies together while clothed. I'm struggling to understand whether this was childhood exploration or if I contributed to COCSA. Both of us now struggle with mental health in different ways, and I wonder about the impact of these experiences.

How can I make sense of this, especially given my own history of abuse? I'm not trying to excuse what happened, but I need help understanding it.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for having the courage to reach out and try to understand this complicated childhood experience. I hear how much you're struggling with guilt and trying to make sense of what happened.

First, please know that it's very common for children who have experienced sexual abuse to engage in sexual behaviors with other children. This isn't because they're "bad" or want to harm others - it's often a way of trying to process their own trauma or understand what happened to them. The fact that you're questioning and feeling concern about this shows your compassion and desire to understand.

The fact that both you and your stepsister initiated at different times, and that you were so close in age, suggests this was more likely mutual exploration rather than one child exerting power over another. While you were a few months older, at that age, such a small age gap doesn't typically create the kind of power dynamic that defines COCSA.

Your own experience of abuse at age 8 complicates this situation. Children who have been abused often have different understandings of boundaries and sexual behavior than their peers - not because they're at fault, but because their normal development has been interrupted by trauma. You weren't in a position to "know better" - you were a child trying to make sense of your own experiences.

The guilt you're feeling shows your concern for your stepsister and your strong moral compass, but it's important to remember that you were both children. The behavior you described - while inappropriate - seems to have stayed within certain boundaries (remaining clothed, no direct touching of private areas), which suggests there was some level of understanding about limits, even then.

If you're concerned about how these experiences might have affected either of you, a trauma-informed therapist could help you process these memories and feelings. They can help you understand the connection between your own abuse and later behaviors, and work through the guilt you're carrying.

You can acknowledge that something wasn't appropriate while also understanding that you were a child who had experienced trauma yourself. Being gentle with your younger self doesn't mean excusing the behavior - it means understanding it in the context of your own experiences and development at that time. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone.

Question 10

I experienced inappropriate touching from a same-sex friend when we were both around 11-13 years old. It started innocently but progressed to her touching my breasts and more. I tried to stop it by sleeping with a bra on or pretending to be asleep, but this never deterred her. I later learned she pulled down my pants while I was sleeping, making me wonder what else might have happened.

After we stopped being friends, memories began resurfacing. I now understand I engaged in inappropriate behavior with my younger sister on a few occasions when I was around 12-13. I let her touch my breasts and engaged in other inappropriate physical contact. I feel tremendous shame and guilt. Although my sister now has her own family, I worry I've caused lasting harm. Is what I experienced with my friend connected to my behavior? Should I seek therapy? I don't feel deserving of a good life after what I did.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing your story with us. It takes tremendous courage to reflect on and talk about experiences from childhood, especially when they've been weighing on you for some time.

What you experienced with your friend involved several concerning aspects that were problematic. The interaction that began innocently progressed to unwanted touching of intimate parts of your body without your consent. Despite your attempts to establish boundaries by sleeping with a bra on or pretending to be asleep, she continued and even escalated the behavior when you were most vulnerable. Only you can determine how to label these experiences in a way that feels right for you. Many children experience confusing situations with peers during development, and these experiences exist on a spectrum. What's most important is how these events affected you and how you make sense of them now.

Regarding your question about connection - yes, there is often a relationship between experiencing boundary violations and later boundary-crossing behaviors, especially in children. This pattern is sometimes called "traumatic reenactment" in developmental psychology. Children who experience confusing or inappropriate touch may sometimes repeat similar behaviors as they process what happened to them. This context doesn't minimize what happened, but it helps explain that children often don't fully understand the implications of their actions.

The shame and guilt you're experiencing are natural responses, but they can become obstacles to healing if left unaddressed. Your concern about how your actions may have affected your sister shows empathy and moral awareness that wasn't fully formed when you were younger. It's important to remember that people are resilient, and your sister has built her own life with her children.

Therapy would be tremendously beneficial for processing these experiences. A trauma-informed therapist or other mental health professional can help you understand what happened within a developmental context, work through feelings of shame, and develop self-compassion. Everyone deserves support in healing from difficult experiences, including you. Your past behaviors as a child who was also experiencing boundary violations do not define your worth or your right to healing.

Feeling undeserving of a good life is a heavy burden to carry. Holding onto guilt and shame prevents healing and growth. If you're concerned about your sister, a mental health professional can also help you think through whether and how to address this with her, should you choose to do so. The fact that you're reflecting on these experiences with such concern and awareness is already an important step toward healing.

Remember, acknowledging past mistakes and taking steps to address them is a sign of strength and maturity. You are not defined by these moments from your past. Be kind to yourself as you navigate this journey.

Question 11

I'm not sure if my cousin crossed boundaries or if I'm reading too much into it. I (22f) met my first cousin (25m) for the first time two days ago. Yesterday we went out for dinner (his treat), then went back to his hotel room in the city. We were chatting and watching videos on the bed when he started playfully trying to take my vape, easily pinning my arms with one hand. After that, I became uncomfortable as he positioned himself very close behind me with his beard touching my neck and his hand on my waist. Despite my discomfort, he repeatedly asked for cuddles, which I declined. He continued putting his hand on my waist, hip, and thigh, squeezing my thigh and running his hand up to my ribs. I moved his hand away several times but didn't explicitly say stop. Eventually, I pretended to fall asleep until he left me alone. Am I overreacting to this situation? I've never had cousins before and don't know if I'm making this a big deal for no reason.

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this. What you've described is absolutely a valid reason to feel uncomfortable. When someone continues to touch you after you've physically moved their hand away multiple times, they are ignoring your non-verbal communication of boundaries. Consent should be enthusiastic and ongoing - the absence of a verbal "no" does not equal consent, especially when you were clearly communicating discomfort through your actions.

Your body's reaction of "turning off" and pretending to sleep is actually a common trauma response. When faced with uncomfortable or threatening situations, our bodies sometimes react with "freeze" responses alongside the more commonly known "fight or flight" responses. This is not something you chose to do - it's how your body protected you in that moment.

It's important to trust your instincts. If something didn't feel right to you, then it's worth acknowledging. Physical touch between family members varies across different families and cultures, but what matters most is how the touch made you feel. The pattern you described - pinning you down, persistent touching despite your resistance, and touching intimate areas like your thighs - goes beyond typical familial interaction regardless of cultural background.

You're not overreacting or making a big deal out of nothing. It's completely normal to question your own experience, especially when dealing with someone who is family. This questioning doesn't mean your feelings aren't valid - in fact, it's very common for people who experience boundary violations to wonder if they're "overreacting." Your feelings of discomfort are important information.

Moving forward, you get to decide what boundaries you want to set with this cousin. This might include not being alone with him, meeting only in public places, or whatever feels safe to you. It might also be helpful to talk to someone you trust about how you're feeling—whether that's another family member, a close friend, or a professional. They can provide support and help you process what happened.

Remember that you don't need to justify your boundaries to anyone - they are yours to set based on what helps you feel safe and comfortable. You deserve to feel safe and respected in all your interactions. Thank you so much for reaching out to us. We appreciate you.

Question 12

I experienced sexual abuse and neglect as a young child. I was frequently left alone between ages 3-6, during which time I was sexually abused multiple times by older boys. By age 6, I experienced severe physical abuse before being removed from that environment. Things improved for about two years, but at age 8, I did something inappropriate to my younger cousin. I've struggled with overwhelming guilt and shame ever since. This, combined with my earlier trauma, has led to severe depression, suicide attempts, and a psychotic episode where this information first came out. I've never received specific advice about this situation. How can I understand these experiences and begin to heal from both the trauma I experienced and the harm I caused?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing this with us. I can't imagine how difficult it must have been to put your story into words, especially when you've carried this pain for so long without support. What you've described involves complex trauma - both harm you experienced and behavior that you now recognize was harmful.

From such a young age, you faced profound neglect and sexual abuse that no child should ever experience. These traumatic events likely had profound effects on your developing brain and understanding of relationships. Children who experience sexual abuse often don't have the developmental capacity to process these experiences. Without proper adult protection and guidance, trauma can fundamentally shape a child's understanding of boundaries, safety, and relationships.

When you mentioned what happened with your cousin at age eight, it's important to understand that children who have experienced severe trauma sometimes reenact behaviors related to their own abuse. This doesn't excuse the behavior, but provides context - you were a child trying to make sense of experiences far beyond your capacity to process at that age. The shame and guilt you've carried since then reflect your moral awareness and genuine remorse, but holding onto extreme shame indefinitely isn't helpful for healing.

The fact that you've attempted suicide multiple times speaks to the immense weight you've been carrying. These feelings of guilt, shame, and depression are common among survivors of childhood trauma, but they do not have to define you or your future. What happened to you was not your fault. You were a child who deserved love, care, and protection, and the adults responsible for your wellbeing failed you.

Healing from such deep wounds requires support. A trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood sexual abuse can help you understand the connections between your early experiences and later behaviors, develop healthier coping mechanisms, and work through the complicated feelings of being both someone who was harmed and someone who caused harm. Approaches like trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy (TF-CBT), EMDR, or sensorimotor psychotherapy can be particularly helpful. If you ever feel like you are in crisis again, please call 998 or access their online chat. You matter.

Please know that your past experiences and actions don't define your entire worth as a person. Many people with histories similar to yours have found ways to heal, make meaningful amends, and build fulfilling lives. The fact that you're seeking understanding suggests you have the capacity for growth and healing. Recovery is possible, though it takes time and patience. Please be gentle with yourself - you deserve compassion and understanding. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 13

When I was a child, I had a sleepover at my cousin's house. My cousin, who was about a year older, would often pick on me. During this sleepover, while we were sharing a room, my cousin pressured me to imitate sexual acts with her. I said no, but she wouldn't let me sleep until I participated. The memory is really foggy. I think we kept our clothes on and I remember being made to lay on top of her at some point. I felt very uncomfortable and just wanted it to be over so I could sleep. I never told anyone about it, and I don't really know how to talk about it when I don't remember everything clearly. Recently, I've been struggling and experiencing emotional flashbacks to that night. Does it count as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) if it only happened once? Is it normal to not properly remember what happened?

Accepted Answer

I'm so sorry you're experiencing these difficult flashbacks and struggling with this painful memory. It takes courage to reach out and share something so personal, especially when the memories feel unclear. Your feelings and your experience matter, and you deserve compassion and support as you work through this.

Only you can define and label your own experiences. That's entirely your choice and your right. What you're describing, however, contains several concerning elements. Normal childhood sexual exploration typically involves curiosity between peers of similar ages, happens with mutual interest or agreement, and doesn't involve coercion or distress. In contrast, your experience involved you clearly saying no, being pressured until you complied, feeling uncomfortable throughout, and wanting it to stop --these are significant aspects that point toward harmful behavior rather than normal exploration.

The fact that this happened only once doesn't diminish its impact or significance. Harmful experiences don't need to be repeated to be valid or to cause lasting effects. It sounds like your cousin used manipulation and refused to respect your boundary when you said no, which created a coercive situation regardless of the frequency.

It's completely normal and very common not to remember traumatic experiences clearly, especially those that occurred in childhood. Memory gaps, foggy recollections, and fragmented memories are actually typical responses to trauma. Your brain may have protected you by not storing every detail of a distressing experience. The emotional flashbacks you're experiencing now are also a common trauma response. Your body and emotions remember the impact even when your mind doesn't retain all the specifics.

Your feelings about this experience are valid, regardless of how much you remember or how you choose to understand it. The neglect you were experiencing at home may have made you more vulnerable to this situation and less likely to speak up about it afterward. The fact that you're experiencing distress about this memory now is significant and worthy of attention and care.

These recent emotional flashbacks suggest that your mind and body are ready to process this experience now, even though it happened years ago. Consider reaching out to a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood experiences. They can help you navigate these memories and feelings in a safe, supportive environment, regardless of how you ultimately choose to understand or label what happened. You deserve care and support as you work through this experience, and you don't have to carry this alone. Thank you for reaching out to us.

Question 14

When I was young, around 7 or 8, a peer at a holiday program initiated sexual activity with me. I believe he was mimicking pornography he'd seen. We engaged in various inappropriate acts including undressing and other intimate behaviors. Later, around age 10-11, my best friend introduced me to sexual topics which we treated like a game, eventually leading to sexual activity during sleepovers that was mutual but made me uncomfortable. Since then I've had a high libido that I don't always enjoy. I understand the significance of sex now and regret these experiences. Is it fair to consider these instances child-on-child sexual assault when we might both have been victims? Or was it just immaturity and experiences I now regret? I haven't told anyone because I'm unsure if it affects me enough to warrant discussion, and I worry about burdening my mother who already helps with my mental health struggles.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your experiences with us. It takes tremendous courage to reflect on these memories and express your feelings about them. What you're describing sounds complex, deeply personal, and what some experts might call "problematic sexual behavior between children" or "sexually harmful behavior."

Looking back on childhood events, especially those involving early sexual experiences, can be challenging to make sense of with the understanding we have now. Children often explore and mimic behaviors without fully grasping their meanings or consequences, particularly when they've been exposed to things that aren't age-appropriate, like pornography.

In both situations you described—at the holiday program and with your best friend—you and the other children were navigating confusing territory without proper guidance. It's important to understand that these early experiences weren't your fault, regardless of whether you participated willingly at the time. Children cannot truly consent to sexual activity because they don't fully understand the implications or have the emotional maturity to make those decisions.

The physical responses you described—freezing, shaking, and later developing a high libido—are common reactions to early sexualization. Your body and mind were processing experiences you weren't developmentally ready for. The discomfort you felt, despite continuing to participate, suggests these experiences may have indeed been harmful to you.

Your question about whether these experiences constitute child-on-child sexual assault is nuanced. While both you and the other children involved may have been victims of circumstances (exposure to adult sexual content, for instance), the interactions still violated normal developmental boundaries. Many experts would consider the first incident particularly concerning given your young age and the nature of the activities, but only you can label what you experienced.

It's completely understandable that you haven't shared these experiences with anyone. Many survivors worry about burdening loved ones or question whether their experiences "count" as traumatic enough to discuss. There's no threshold of harm you need to meet to deserve support. If these memories cause you distress or you believe they might be connected to your mental health struggles, speaking with a professional who specializes in childhood sexual development or trauma could be beneficial.

Considering your concerns about your mother's reaction, perhaps reaching out to a trusted school counselor or another adult you feel comfortable with could be a good first step. They can provide support and help you navigate these feelings without placing additional burdens on your loved ones.

Remember, you're not alone in processing complex childhood experiences. Your feelings of regret are natural, but please try to be compassionate with yourself. Children learn about boundaries through their experiences, and you were navigating complex situations without proper guidance or protection. Your reflections now show maturity and understanding that wasn't possible when you were younger. Taking care of your well-being is important, and there are people who can offer guidance and support as you continue to make sense of these experiences. Thank you for trusting us with this. We appreciate you reaching out.

Question 15

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

Accepted Answer

It is not uncommon for survivors to experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, including sexual arousal. This can be especially distressing for individuals who may feel guilty or ashamed for feeling aroused in response to a traumatic event.

Sexual arousal is a physical response that can occur even in the absence of sexual desire or consent. It is a physiological response that can be triggered by a wide range of stimuli, including thoughts, memories, and sensations. In the case of sexual assault survivors, it is possible that the body's natural response to physical stimulation may be triggered by memories or thoughts related to the assault, even if these thoughts and memories are not wanted or desired.

It is important to note that experiencing sexual arousal in response to memories of sexual assault is not an indication of consent or enjoyment of the assault. It is simply a physical response that the body may have learned to make in certain situations. If you are struggling with these feelings, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. They can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies to manage these difficult emotions.

Thank you for asking this tough question. You are not alone.

Question 16

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

Accepted Answer

The healing process can be an opportunity to regain the control and autonomy that is often taken away during a traumatic experience. You are in the driver seat of your recovery and you decide how you want to navigate your healing and what’s best for you.

Setting goals or benchmarks is one way to measure your growth and celebrate small wins as you recover after trauma. If you choose to set goals, remember that everyone heals in their own way and in their own time.

Be patient with your progress and compassionate toward yourself. Try not to compare your own growth to someone else’s—your path to recovery is yours and only yours.

What do you want to achieve? It can help to think about what’s important to you and what inspires you. You can work on something personal (like thinking more positively) or something more tangible (like making time for friends you’ve lost touch with).

Choosing goals that are specific and measurable makes them easier to achieve. Saying one kind thing to yourself daily for two weeks is a specific and measurable goal to think more positively. You can easily track it and tell if you’ve successfully accomplished it or not.

Once you choose a goal, think about whether it’s realistic for where you are right now in your healing process. Be gentle with yourself and the benchmarks you select. It’s okay if you don’t achieve a goal you set the first time. Large goals can be broken into smaller, more easily attainable goals. No goal is too small. Keep things simple. You will get there.

It’s helpful to have a mix of both short and long-term goals. How many goals are you focusing on at the same time? Focusing your attention on 2-3 goals at a time can make it easier to keep track of them.

You don’t have to recover or set goals alone. It’s okay to reach out to people you trust. Extra support and motivation can help you achieve your goals. It’s up to you to decide who you want to involve in your recovery process, even if it’s just having someone to celebrate with.

When you accomplish a goal, take a moment to take in your achievement. Acknowledge and celebrate growth, even if it’s small. It’s proof that you are still moving forward. Healing from trauma is hard work. It is not a straight-forward or easy process. It takes time, and you may experience setbacks along the way, but you can do it.

Question 17

When I was a child, my parents repeatedly forced enemas on me. I remember screaming and begging to stop then finally giving in, freezing and dissociating. I've only recently (30 years later) had the courage to recall this memory, of which I used to have flashbacks that made me sick. My parents are nice people, but I feel like I am a survivor of a kind of sexual abuse. Can you help me understand what happened to me?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. First and foremost, I want to commend you for your bravery in confronting this painful memory and seeking understanding. Recognizing the impact of childhood experiences is a courageous step in the healing process.

What you've described - being repeatedly subjected to forced enemas despite your protests and distress - sounds deeply distressing and violating. The fact that you recall screaming, begging, and then dissociating (a common trauma response) underscores the emotional impact of these experiences.

It's important to note that without knowing your full medical history, it's unclear whether the enemas were medically necessary. In some cases, invasive procedures may be warranted for a child's health and well-being. However, even if the enemas were medically justified, your feelings of fear, powerlessness, and violation are still valid. A procedure can be both necessary and traumatic, and your emotional response and the harm associated with these experiences deserves to be acknowledged and respected.

If you feel safe and comfortable doing so, it may be helpful to share your feelings with your parents and ask for more information about the circumstances surrounding these events. Understanding the context and medical reasoning behind the enemas might provide some clarity and help you process the experience. However, it's important to prioritize your own emotional safety and only have this conversation if you feel supported and ready.

The flashbacks and physical sickness you mention are common symptoms of unresolved trauma. When our bodies and minds are overwhelmed by a distressing experience, the memory can get "stuck" in our nervous system, causing intrusive thoughts, sensations, and emotional reactivity. This is especially true for traumas experienced in childhood, when we lack the resources and context to fully process what's happening to us.

Please know that your feelings and the long-term impact of these experiences are valid, regardless of the medical necessity of the enemas. You deserved to have your boundaries and bodily autonomy respected, and it's not your fault that they weren't. It sounds like harm occurred here and you deserve to seek help to heal from that harm.

Healing from childhood trauma is a highly personal journey that often benefits from professional support. I encourage you to seek out a therapist who specializes in childhood trauma and medical trauma. They can provide a safe space to process your memories, validate your experiences, and work with you to develop coping strategies for managing symptoms. They may also be able to get into more specifics with you surrounding whether or not what you experienced was abuse.

Thank you so much for this question and I am sorry that I cannot provide more guidanc. However you define your experience, you are welcome here. You are not alone.

Question 18

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for your question. If you have not experienced any form of gender-based harm, it might be hard to imagine why survivors who go through these horrific experiences do not always report them. Unfortunately, due to the characteristics of one's sexual harm experience, the lack of protection for survivors, and historical injustices within the criminal-legal system, gender-based violence is the most underreported crime. For example, it is estimated that 63% of sexual assaults are not reported to police and only 12% of child sexual abuse is reported to the authorities.

There are many reasons why survivors may feel hesitant to report their experience. We will list a few of these reasons below:

It is not safe for them to report the assault at this time or they fear perpetrator or family retaliation.
They want to put the incident behind them or forget it happened.
They aren’t sure that what happened meets the legal definition of sexual assault or rape.
They are in shock.
They feel shame or self-blame.
They fear not being believed or being socially isolated from friends or family
They fear being blamed.
They fear being revictimized by law enforcement or the court.
They fear that they will not receive justice.
They fear that their offender will not be held accountable.

Whatever the reason, and there are many more, remember that ultimately it is the survivor's choice whether or not they want to report their experience. For some, reporting is not necessary for their healing. Others just do not want to go through any additional trauma or heartache. Support and respect the choices the survivors in your life make related to reporting. This will make you a valuable ally as they navigate healing in the aftermath.

References

Rennison, C. A. (2002). Rape and sexual assault: Reporting to police and medical attention, 1992-2000 [NCJ 194530]. Retrieved from the U.S. Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, Bureau of Justice Statistics: http://bjs.ojp.usdoj.gov/content/pub/pdf/rsarp00.pdf

Hanson, R. F., Resnick, H. S., Saunders, B. E., Kilpatrick, D. G., & Best, C. (1999). Factors related to the reporting of childhood rape. Child Abuse and Neglect, 23,559–569. doi:10.1016/S0145-2134(99)00028-9

Question 19

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this extremely difficult question. Please know you are not alone and this does not invalidate the trauma you experienced. Arousal during sexual assault is a possible, but involuntary physiological response that does not imply consent or enjoyment. Resist the feelings of shame and self-blame that you are feeling. It is not your fault and your experiences are valid.

Survivors can experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, especially if they believe they experienced sexual arousal. Sexual arousal is a physical response that can occur even in the absence of sexual desire or consent. Arousal can be caused by fear, excitation transfer, nerve stimulation, or other factors. It is possible that your body's natural response to physical stimulation was triggered during your experience, even if those feelings are not wanted or desired.

To bring forward some research, of those who report sexual violence, it is estimated that around 1 in 20 people also describe experiencing orgasm. But the true numbers are likely much higher. For example, in a 2004 review paper, a clinician reports, “I (have) met quite a lot of victims (males) who had the full sexual response during sexual abuse…I (have) met several female victims of incest and rape who had lubrication and orgasm.” This further emphasizes that this is something many people struggle with, and there is nothing to be ashamed of.

If you are struggling with these feelings, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. I know it can feel embarassing to bring this up to your therapist, but if they have a background in sexual trauma, this is probably something they have heard before from other clients. Trained mental health providers can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies to manage these difficult emotions. If you feel your therapist will not understand, perhaps you would benefit from some complementary support from others who are more knowledgable about the diverse ways trauma and violence can manifest. You do not need to go through this alone.

Thank you for asking this tough question. We are here for you if you need us.

Question 20

How do I understand why something triggers me?

Accepted Answer

Highly emotional & stressful experiences “trigger” a part of the brain called the amygdala. Usually, the amygdala is helpful and works to keep us safe from dangerous situations by activating a fear response.

After a traumatic experience, the amygdala can become overactive, causing fear responses even if you are not in any danger. Your reaction may be to fight, flee, or freeze, interfering with daily tasks and functioning, even if you’re in a completely safe situation.

Sometimes triggers are more obvious—like seeing violence on a tv show or hearing about it on the news. It makes sense why watching or hearing something traumatic would bring up memories or feelings from your own trauma.

Other times, triggers can feel more subtle or hard to anticipate. They can include just about anything--from hearing a song, to hugging someone, to smelling something, to the way a piece of fabric or clothing feels, or even just going to a doctor’s appointment.

While triggers can feel isolating & scary, especially when they happen in public or around other people, know that you are not alone. Over two-thirds of survivors of sexual assault report experiencing triggers.

Over time you can identify the situations that might trigger you. Anticipating these situations and learning relaxation strategies can make it easier to cope with them. While it feels good to avoid triggers in the short-term, it’s not always possible to predict all potential triggers.

Experiencing a trigger in a safe situation that does not pose danger & coping with it, can help your amygdala re-learn that these cues aren’t actually signs of real danger. This process can help decrease the intensity & frequency of triggers over time.

Many survivors of trauma or viσlence will notice an improvement in post-traumatic symptoms naturally over time. For others, these symptoms might not improve on their own & can interfere with their daily lives.

If you notice that your triggers are affecting you & not improving, you might consider reaching out to your social network for support or consider seeking professional help to navigate recovery. You know yourself best & what type of support sounds right to you.

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Questions & Answers

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Topics

I was sexually coerced by a friend of mine. I feel so guilty for avoiding him and feel as though I am doing the wrong thing, but I oscillate between hating him and not wanting him to feel bad/excluded. I hate feeling this way. Is this normal after assault by a friend?

Is it considered sexual abuse if someone started touching me without asking for verbal consent, and I reciprocated only because I felt that's what they expected and that I had to respond? I didn't really want to, but I felt obligated to participate.

What should you do if you experienced repeated victimization at a young age and were unaware that you were coerced by an adult to inflict child-on-child sexual abuse onto other children? How can you make amends with the people you harmed?

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

How do I understand why something triggers me?

I was sexually coerced by a friend of mine. I feel so guilty for avoiding him and feel as though I am doing the wrong thing, but I oscillate between hating him and not wanting him to feel bad/excluded. I hate feeling this way. Is this normal after assault by a friend?

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

Is it considered sexual abuse if someone started touching me without asking for verbal consent, and I reciprocated only because I felt that's what they expected and that I had to respond? I didn't really want to, but I felt obligated to participate.

How do I understand why something triggers me?

What should you do if you experienced repeated victimization at a young age and were unaware that you were coerced by an adult to inflict child-on-child sexual abuse onto other children? How can you make amends with the people you harmed?

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

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