I am 24 and lately I've been recalling a childhood memory from when I was 4 years old, playing with my doll in a sexual way. I was aware it wasn't appropriate because I remember hiding it when my mother approached. A few years later, I recall making my dolls engage in sexual acts. I don't have memories before this age, and my later memories don't include similar behaviors. I haven't discussed this with anyone. Was I just a "weird child" or could it possibly indicate I experienced sexual abuse?

Thank you for sharing something so personal and difficult to discuss. Many adults look back at childhood behaviors and wonder what they might mean, especially when they involve sexual play at a young age.

Children are naturally curious about their bodies and the world around them. At age four, exploring one's body and experiencing different sensations is often a normal part of development. Using dolls in play that involves body exploration can be a way for children to understand and process new feelings, even without fully grasping what they're doing. Your awareness about hiding these actions when you heard your mother suggests that even at a young age, you had picked up on subtle social cues about privacy and what behaviors were considered appropriate in different contexts.

As for making dolls engage in sexual acts when you were older, imaginative play can sometimes reflect things a child has seen or heard in their environment. This exposure doesn't necessarily mean direct abuse; it could come from inadvertently witnessing a scene on television, overhearing adult conversations, or other indirect sources. Children often process and make sense of their world through play.

It's also completely normal not to have memories before age 4. Most people experience what psychologists call "childhood amnesia," where early memories aren't stored in ways that allow later conscious recall.

What's most important is how these memories are affecting you now. There's nothing "weird" about you for having had these experiences or for questioning them as an adult. Being curious about your past and wanting to understand yourself better shows self-awareness and thoughtfulness. If these thoughts continue to cause you distress, speaking with a trauma-informed therapist could provide a supportive space to explore these questions at your own pace, without imposing any particular interpretation on your experiences. 

Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone.