When I was young, around 7 or 8, a peer at a holiday program initiated sexual activity with me. I believe he was mimicking pornography he'd seen. We engaged in various inappropriate acts including undressing and other intimate behaviors. Later, around age 10-11, my best friend introduced me to sexual topics which we treated like a game, eventually leading to sexual activity during sleepovers that was mutual but made me uncomfortable. Since then I've had a high libido that I don't always enjoy. I understand the significance of sex now and regret these experiences. Is it fair to consider these instances child-on-child sexual assault when we might both have been victims? Or was it just immaturity and experiences I now regret? I haven't told anyone because I'm unsure if it affects me enough to warrant discussion, and I worry about burdening my mother who already helps with my mental health struggles.

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your experiences with us. It takes tremendous courage to reflect on these memories and express your feelings about them. What you're describing sounds complex, deeply personal, and what some experts might call "problematic sexual behavior between children" or "sexually harmful behavior."

Looking back on childhood events, especially those involving early sexual experiences, can be challenging to make sense of with the understanding we have now. Children often explore and mimic behaviors without fully grasping their meanings or consequences, particularly when they've been exposed to things that aren't age-appropriate, like pornography.

In both situations you described—at the holiday program and with your best friend—you and the other children were navigating confusing territory without proper guidance. It's important to understand that these early experiences weren't your fault, regardless of whether you participated willingly at the time. Children cannot truly consent to sexual activity because they don't fully understand the implications or have the emotional maturity to make those decisions.

The physical responses you described—freezing, shaking, and later developing a high libido—are common reactions to early sexualization. Your body and mind were processing experiences you weren't developmentally ready for. The discomfort you felt, despite continuing to participate, suggests these experiences may have indeed been harmful to you.

Your question about whether these experiences constitute child-on-child sexual assault is nuanced. While both you and the other children involved may have been victims of circumstances (exposure to adult sexual content, for instance), the interactions still violated normal developmental boundaries. Many experts would consider the first incident particularly concerning given your young age and the nature of the activities, but only you can label what you experienced.

It's completely understandable that you haven't shared these experiences with anyone. Many survivors worry about burdening loved ones or question whether their experiences "count" as traumatic enough to discuss. There's no threshold of harm you need to meet to deserve support. If these memories cause you distress or you believe they might be connected to your mental health struggles, speaking with a professional who specializes in childhood sexual development or trauma could be beneficial.

Considering your concerns about your mother's reaction, perhaps reaching out to a trusted school counselor or another adult you feel comfortable with could be a good first step. They can provide support and help you navigate these feelings without placing additional burdens on your loved ones.

Remember, you're not alone in processing complex childhood experiences. Your feelings of regret are natural, but please try to be compassionate with yourself. Children learn about boundaries through their experiences, and you were navigating complex situations without proper guidance or protection. Your reflections now show maturity and understanding that wasn't possible when you were younger. Taking care of your well-being is important, and there are people who can offer guidance and support as you continue to make sense of these experiences. Thank you for trusting us with this. We appreciate you reaching out.