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Is it considered sexual abuse if someone started touching me without asking for verbal consent, and I reciprocated only because I felt that's what they expected and that I had to respond? I didn't really want to, but I felt obligated to participate.
Answer by Dr. Laura
PhD Mental Health Nurse & Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner
Thank you for sharing this difficult experience and for having the courage to seek clarity. Your question is not uncommon and touches on important aspects of consent and sexual abuse.
In situations like the one you've described, where there was no verbal consent and you felt obligated to reciprocate even though you didn't really want to, this could indeed be considered a form of sexual abuse or coercion. Consent should always be enthusiastic, ongoing, and freely given - not something you feel pressured into or obligated to provide.
It's important to understand that sexual abuse doesn't always involve explicit force or verbal threats. Feeling unable to say no or feeling that you "have to" participate are signs that true consent was absent. Your body's response or your decision to reciprocate in the moment doesn't negate the lack of initial consent or the pressure you felt.
Many survivors have similar experiences and struggle with feelings of confusion or self-doubt afterwards. It's common to freeze or comply in these situations as a survival mechanism. This doesn't mean you consented or that what happened was okay.
Your feelings about this experience are valid, whatever they may be. It's okay if you're unsure how to label what happened or if your feelings about it are complex or changing. Healing from such experiences is a personal journey, and there's no "right" way to feel or respond.
If you're struggling with this memory or its impacts, consider reaching out to a counselor or therapist who specializes in sexual trauma. They can provide a safe space to process your feelings and help you develop coping strategies.
Remember, you're not alone in this. Many people have grappled with similar experiences. It's okay to take time to process your feelings and to seek support if you need it. Your well-being is important, and you deserve to feel safe, respected, and in control in all your interactions. Thank you for reaching out to us. You are not alone.
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Grounding activity
Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:
5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)
4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)
3 – things you can hear
2 – things you can smell
1 – thing you like about yourself.
Take a deep breath to end.
From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.
Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).
Take a deep breath to end.
Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:
1. Where am I?
2. What day of the week is today?
3. What is today’s date?
4. What is the current month?
5. What is the current year?
6. How old am I?
7. What season is it?
Take a deep breath to end.
Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.
Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.
Take a deep breath to end.
Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.
Take a deep breath to end.