I experienced sexual abuse and neglect as a young child. I was frequently left alone between ages 3-6, during which time I was sexually abused multiple times by older boys. By age 6, I experienced severe physical abuse before being removed from that environment. Things improved for about two years, but at age 8, I did something inappropriate to my younger cousin. I've struggled with overwhelming guilt and shame ever since. This, combined with my earlier trauma, has led to severe depression, suicide attempts, and a psychotic episode where this information first came out. I've never received specific advice about this situation. How can I understand these experiences and begin to heal from both the trauma I experienced and the harm I caused?

Thank you for sharing this with us. I can't imagine how difficult it must have been to put your story into words, especially when you've carried this pain for so long without support. What you've described involves complex trauma - both harm you experienced and behavior that you now recognize was harmful.

From such a young age, you faced profound neglect and sexual abuse that no child should ever experience. These traumatic events likely had profound effects on your developing brain and understanding of relationships. Children who experience sexual abuse often don't have the developmental capacity to process these experiences. Without proper adult protection and guidance, trauma can fundamentally shape a child's understanding of boundaries, safety, and relationships.

When you mentioned what happened with your cousin at age eight, it's important to understand that children who have experienced severe trauma sometimes reenact behaviors related to their own abuse. This doesn't excuse the behavior, but provides context - you were a child trying to make sense of experiences far beyond your capacity to process at that age. The shame and guilt you've carried since then reflect your moral awareness and genuine remorse, but holding onto extreme shame indefinitely isn't helpful for healing.

The fact that you've attempted suicide multiple times speaks to the immense weight you've been carrying. These feelings of guilt, shame, and depression are common among survivors of childhood trauma, but they do not have to define you or your future. What happened to you was not your fault. You were a child who deserved love, care, and protection, and the adults responsible for your wellbeing failed you.

Healing from such deep wounds requires support. A trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood sexual abuse can help you understand the connections between your early experiences and later behaviors, develop healthier coping mechanisms, and work through the complicated feelings of being both someone who was harmed and someone who caused harm. Approaches like trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy (TF-CBT), EMDR, or sensorimotor psychotherapy can be particularly helpful. If you ever feel like you are in crisis again, please call 998 or access their online chat. You matter.

Please know that your past experiences and actions don't define your entire worth as a person. Many people with histories similar to yours have found ways to heal, make meaningful amends, and build fulfilling lives. The fact that you're seeking understanding suggests you have the capacity for growth and healing. Recovery is possible, though it takes time and patience. Please be gentle with yourself - you deserve compassion and understanding. Thank you for trusting us with this.