I'm trying to understand something that happened in my childhood with my stepsister. My memories are hazy, but I remember engaging in inappropriate physical contact with her a few times. We were close in age (I was a few months older), and though we both initiated at different times, I feel guilty because I had experienced sexual abuse from an adult when I was 8 and feel I should have known better. The contact didn't involve nudity or direct touching of private areas, but rather rubbing our bodies together while clothed. I'm struggling to understand whether this was childhood exploration or if I contributed to COCSA. Both of us now struggle with mental health in different ways, and I wonder about the impact of these experiences. How can I make sense of this, especially given my own history of abuse? I'm not trying to excuse what happened, but I need help understanding it.

Thank you for having the courage to reach out and try to understand this complicated childhood experience. I hear how much you're struggling with guilt and trying to make sense of what happened.

First, please know that it's very common for children who have experienced sexual abuse to engage in sexual behaviors with other children. This isn't because they're "bad" or want to harm others - it's often a way of trying to process their own trauma or understand what happened to them. The fact that you're questioning and feeling concern about this shows your compassion and desire to understand.

The fact that both you and your stepsister initiated at different times, and that you were so close in age, suggests this was more likely mutual exploration rather than one child exerting power over another. While you were a few months older, at that age, such a small age gap doesn't typically create the kind of power dynamic that defines COCSA.

Your own experience of abuse at age 8 complicates this situation. Children who have been abused often have different understandings of boundaries and sexual behavior than their peers - not because they're at fault, but because their normal development has been interrupted by trauma. You weren't in a position to "know better" - you were a child trying to make sense of your own experiences.

The guilt you're feeling shows your concern for your stepsister and your strong moral compass, but it's important to remember that you were both children. The behavior you described - while inappropriate - seems to have stayed within certain boundaries (remaining clothed, no direct touching of private areas), which suggests there was some level of understanding about limits, even then.

If you're concerned about how these experiences might have affected either of you, a trauma-informed therapist could help you process these memories and feelings. They can help you understand the connection between your own abuse and later behaviors, and work through the guilt you're carrying.

You can acknowledge that something wasn't appropriate while also understanding that you were a child who had experienced trauma yourself. Being gentle with your younger self doesn't mean excusing the behavior - it means understanding it in the context of your own experiences and development at that time. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone.