Making sense of childhood experiences

Thank you for sharing this difficult experience. It's completely normal for feelings about childhood experiences to change as we grow older. Our ability to process and understand events evolves with time, and something that didn't seem significant then may carry more weight now.

Thank you for trusting us with this and I am so sorry you experienced such painful responses to the harm you experienced. You did not deserve that. Your experience is absolutely valid. What you're describing sounds like a form of sexual coercion, and it can be deeply traumatic regardless of the gender of the person who harmed you or your ages at the time. The fact that the police dismissed your experience doesn't make it any less real or harmful. Their response was inadequate and wrong, and I'm truly sorry that happened to you when you were se...

Thank you for trusting us with this. What you're carrying here is heavy and the confusion about your own memories is one of the most disorienting parts of surviving childhood abuse. Based on what you shared, it sounds like you are not imagining things.

Thank you so much for trusting us with this. Let me be very clear: you are absolutely a victim in this situation. Online grooming is a serious form of abuse, and the fact it happened virtually doesn't diminish its impact. The adult who manipulated you holds full responsibility for orchestrating abuse between two children.

What you are carrying right now is an enormous amount for one person to hold alone and reaching out here took real courage. Thank you for being here.  What you are describing is something a significant number of survivors have lived through. Some people use the term child-on-child sexual abuse, sometimes shortened to COCSA, to describe experiences like these. You do not have to use that label if it does not feel right to you, but knowing it exists, and knowing you are far from alone in this, matters. Research consistently shows that sibli...

Thank you for reaching out and sharing these feelings that have been weighing on you. It is brave to reach out when we think we have done something that could have harmed someone else. Let me help explain what was happening developmentally at age 12 to contextualize your experience and try to provide some support.

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your experience with us. What you described does have characteristics that potentially align with Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse (COCSA), and I want you to know that your feelings about this experience are completely valid. Even if an incident happens only once and is brief, it can still have a significant impact.

Thank you for trusting us with your story. First, I want to acknowledge the courage it takes to confront these difficult memories and the guilt you've been carrying. The fact that you care so much about your brother's well-being and question your past actions demonstrates empathy and moral conscience, qualities not often present in people with abusive intentions. What you describe reflects a complex situation where your own early exposure to adult sexual content may have influenced behaviors you didn't fully understand at the time. When childr...

Thank you for sharing your story and trusting us with these deeply personal memories. It sounds like this friendship from your childhood has left you feeling confused and uncertain, and those feelings are entirely valid. Reflecting on past experiences, especially ones that involve complex emotions and boundaries, can be challenging as we grow older and gain new perspectives.Childhood friendships often involve exploration and play, but sometimes the lines of appropriate behavior can become blurred, especially when one child is older or more mat...

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with us. We appreciate you trusting us with their impact on you, especially when family members have dismissed or minimized them. Your experiences represent various forms of boundary violations that can be impactful and traumatic, regardless of how others have characterized them.

Thank you for sharing this sensitive experience with us. What you're describing reflects a complex situation that many survivors and those who have caused harm as children struggle with. When children are exposed to sexual content at a young age, it can be confusing and overwhelming. You were just nine years old when you were introduced to pornography by an older family member, and it's natural that you sought to understand what you saw in the only way you knew how. Without guidance or open conversations about sexuality and consent, it's under...

What you're describing sounds really confusing to make sense of, and it's completely understandable that you've been uncertain about how to understand these experiences. It sounds like this has weighed on you for a long time, and the fact that you're asking this question shows you're trying to process something that has stayed with you.

Thank you so much for trusting us with this. I hear the pain, confusion, and internal conflict in your words, and I want you to know that these feelings are a completely normal response to an abnormal and harmful situation. What you're experiencing - the resistance to accepting what happened, the complicated feelings about the person who harmed you, and the overwhelming mix of emotions - these are all common responses to trauma.

Thank you for trusting this space with something that's been weighing on you. It sounds like you've been carrying a lot of worry and shame about this memory for quite some time.  What you're describing sounds like an incident of sexual curiosity between young people who were both minors at the time. During adolescence, curiosity about bodies and exploring the differences between friends can happen in many different ways. Sexual curiosity and exploration are normal parts of adolescent development, and many young people engage in some form...

Thank you for sharing your feelings and concerns. Please know that many people experience confusion and guilt when looking back at childhood interactions through an adult lens and you are not alone. When we look back on our childhood and adolescence with the perspective and understanding we have as adults, it's common to reevaluate past actions and feel uncertain about them. During those formative years, children and teenagers are still learning about boundaries, relationships, and appropriate behavior. The behaviors you described occurred whe...

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. It's completely understandable that you're feeling anxious and uncertain about these memories, especially since they involve someone you see regularly and who played a significant role in your childhood.

Thank you for your openness in sharing this difficult experience. Your willingness to reflect on your past actions and seek guidance is a positive step towards learning and growth. It's important to acknowledge that early exposure to inappropriate content can profoundly impact a young person's understanding of relationships and boundaries, often leading to harmful behaviors that weren't fully understood at the time.

Thank you for trusting us with this. Your confusion about this experience is completely understandable, and I want you to know that your feelings and questions are valid. What you've described involves concerning sexual behavior by an older child that crossed important boundaries, regardless of whether you have complete memories of what happened to you specifically.

I'm so sorry to hear about everything you've been through. It takes a lot of courage to share such personal experiences, and I'm glad you reached out. What happened to you was not your fault, and your feelings are completely valid. When someone violates your boundaries, especially someone you trust or someone within your family, it can be incredibly confusing and painful. Similarly, having a family member who disregards your comfort and makes inappropriate advances adds another layer of complexity to your healing journey.

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your experiences with us. It's completely understandable that you're feeling uncertain about how to interpret these memories. When you were 5 or 6 years old, the incident where the boy exposed himself to you was likely confusing and unsettling. Children at that age are still learning about boundaries and appropriate behavior, and such experiences can leave a lasting impression, even if they don't seem to have had a significant impact on your day-to-day life. Your instincts as a young child were protective...

Thank you for trusting us with your story and for sharing your struggles with your decision-making process in the aftermath. Memories of trauma often can resurface after years, especially when triggered by discussions about safety and protection. Your reaction to the school presentation shows how our minds often wait until we feel some sense of safety before allowing suppressed memories to emerge.

Thank you for sharing this memory with us and seeking clarity about it. The confusion and concern you are feeling are completely understandable, and it shows your care for others that you're reflecting on this experience thoughtfully. Your therapist's assessment aligns with what many professionals would consider about this situation. What you're describing appears to be a brief moment of childhood curiosity rather than COCSA or criminal behavior. Several factors support this. For example, the contact was very brief, you immediately stopped whe...

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us. What you've described is a complex and confusing situation that some children face, but aren't sure how to make sense of as adults. Developmentally, it's common for children, especially young ones, to explore their bodies and engage in sexual play with other children as part of learning about their bodies and sexuality. In this vein, some degree of exploratory play between siblings is also not unusual, particularly if there hasn't been a lot of education about boundaries. However, dependin...

Thank you for this question. First and foremost, I want to commend you for your bravery in confronting this painful memory and seeking understanding. Recognizing the impact of childhood experiences is a courageous step in the healing process. What you've described - being repeatedly subjected to forced enemas despite your protests and distress - sounds deeply distressing and violating. The fact that you recall screaming, begging, and then dissociating (a common trauma response) underscores the emotional impact of these experiences.

Thanks for asking aboout this. The distinction between normal childhood curiosity and problematic sexual behavior involves several important factors, with age differences and genuine mutuality being key considerations. A key difference lies in the age gap between the children and the presence or absence of genuine mutuality. When a four-year-old is interacting with a twelve-year-old, there is already a significant disparity in power, understanding, and development. Children that young do not have the capacity to consent, and a much older child...

It's completely understandable to wonder about childhood memories like these. When we look back on our early years, it's natural to have questions about behaviors that seem confusing or surprising in hindsight, and it's brave of you to seek information to better understand what happened.

Thank you for having the courage to share your experience with us. First and foremost, please know that what happened when you were a child does not define who you are today. You were a young child yourself, navigating complex situations while also experiencing abuse in your own home. Your feelings of remorse and concern for the impact of your actions show your deep capacity for empathy and growth.

Thank you so much for trusting us with this question. To start, you are not alone. It is quite common for individuals who are processing childhood trauma to feel guilt, shame, and confusion. It is also common for survivors to not want to believe what happened to them was real, or for them to have memory gaps surrounding certain details of these events. Only you know what you have experienced, but here are some of our thoughts below. 

Thank you so much for this question. You are not being dramatic. First and foremost, it’s important to remember that only you can define what happened to you. Sexual violence is deeply personal, and how you understand and process your experiences is entirely up to you. While we aim to provide support and information, please know that we are not here to label or define your experience. Your experience is yours and yours alone.

Thank you for trusting us with this. I hear the pain and remorse in your words and I understand why the memory of that moment continues to trouble you. What you're describing is actually more common than many people realize, and your feelings of guilt show both your moral development and your capacity for empathy. From what you've described, you were both very young at the time, navigating curiosity about things you'd seen that you were not old enough to process. While it may feel overwhelming, it is important to remember that you were a child...

Thank you so much for asking this question. Yes, a nine-year-old can certainly abuse or assault another nine-year-old. For an example of this, take a look at this question we recently responded to another survivor who experienced abuse by a peer at age nine. You can also learn more about child-on-child sexual abuse here. Thank you so much for asking this question. Your experience matters and you are not alone. 

Thank you so much for sharing your intimate feelings with us. Feelings of guilt about not speaking up sooner are completely normal, but please know that keeping quiet was not wrong or your fault. Many people stay silent about uncomfortable or traumatic experiences, especially when they happen during childhood. Confusion about the nature of the touch is absolutely valid - our minds and bodies often need time to process experiences that feel violating or uncomfortable. Your courage in exploring these feelings now shows incredible strength.

Thank you for reaching out about this sensitive topic. It's understandable to have questions about your experiences and feelings.  Trauma can influence a person's interests or fixations, but it's important to understand that this is a complex topic without simple answers. The development of interests, including sexual ones, is influenced by many factors and can begin at different ages for different individuals.

Thank you for reaching out with this important question. I'm sorry to hear that you're grappling with such a difficult and confusing experience. Consent must be given freely, willingly, and without any form of pressure, manipulation, or coercion. If you were forced to say "yes," then genuine consent was not present. Being forced to give consent is not true consent at all--it is coercion and it completely invalidates any verbal agreement you may have given.

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your question. Yes, what you experienced is a form of sexual exploitation and abuse, and in many jurisdictions, it's classified as a crime. When an adult solicits nude images from someone, they are engaging in sexually abusive behavior that violates boundaries and consent. The fact that this occurred through text messages doesn't diminish the seriousness of what happened. This behavior is a serious violation of trust and boundaries, and it is illegal in many places.

I'm so sorry that you experienced this and are struggling with the impact and meaning of it. What you're describing sounds distressing and violating, even though both people involved were children. You're absolutely right that legally children ages 9-11 cannot meaningfully consent to sex, regardless of whether an adult is present. Children that age are not developmentally capable of understanding or consenting to sexual activity. If one child initiates sexual behaviors and the other child feels unable to refuse or stop what's happening, that i...

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your question. It's completely understandable to have questions about childhood experiences, especially as you reflect on them later in life. Exploring curiosity about bodies and sexuality is a natural part of growing up, and it's not uncommon for children close in age to engage in some form of exploration with peers or relatives.When children engage in activities like touching each other, several factors are important to consider, such as age, understanding, consent, and whether any coercion was involved...

Thank you for trusting us with this memory and these difficult feelings. It is completely normal to feel unsure about a confusing childhood memory, especially when it revives strong emotions or discomfort.  At four to seven years old, you were still learning about boundaries and appropriate touch, and you depended on the adults around you to guide and protect you. Children naturally seek comfort and closeness in many different ways, and needing soothing touch to fall asleep is completely normal developmental behavior. Many children find c...

Thank you for bringing up this important question. To answer your question simply: Yes, it is still considered COCSA or sexual assault even if the offender feels bad for their actions and feels guilty afterward. The feelings of the person who committed the harmful act do not change the nature of what happened or its impact on the person who was harmed.Sexual abuse and assault are defined by actions that violate someone's boundaries and consent, regardless of the offender's intentions or subsequent emotions. While an offender's guilt may indica...

Thank you for reaching out to understand this complex and confusing experience. Your question addresses something many people struggle to make sense of - the difference between childhood "agreement" or "play" and true consent. During childhood, our participation or "agreement" in activities works very differently from adult consent. Children may go along with things or even actively participate, but they lack the emotional and psychological development to truly understand and consent to sexual activities. Just as we recognize that children are...

Thank you so much for sharing this heavy load that you care carrying. I hear your concern and the intense guilt and shame you're feeling about this childhood experience with your sister. It's important to recognize that curiosity about bodies and relationships is a normal part of child development. Many children engage in exploratory play, like playing "house" or "doctor," which can sometimes involve playful physical affection like brief kissing or cuddling. When this play is light and mutual, it is usually considered harmless.

I'm so sorry you went through such a painful and confusing experience. It can be deeply upsetting to look back on an event like that and question everything, especially when it's someone in your family who made you feel uncomfortable. What your uncle did to you was sexual abuse. You were a child, and he was an adult in a position of trust and authority who had much more power and responsibility. Even if there was no visible force or "traditional" form of rape, what happened to you was still a violation.

I'm so glad you reached out, and I want you to know that it's completely understandable to feel uncertain about labeling this experience, especially given how young you both were at the time. When children as young as seven or eight engage in sexual behavior, it can be confusing to make sense of later in life, particularly when thinking about concepts like consent and understanding at that age. Children in that age range generally do not have the emotional or developmental capacity to fully understand or consent to sexual activities. Without r...

Thank you for sharing this sensitive experience. What happened to you - having your chest touched without consent - is a form of inappropriate touching, even though you were both very young at the time. It's important to understand that only you can decide how to label or define your own experiences. While I can provide information and context, the way you choose to view or describe what happened is entirely up to you. Your perspective is valid and may even change over time as you process the experience, which is completely normal.

Thank you so much for trusting us with this deeply personal experience. It sounds like a difficult situation, and your feelings about it are important. While I can provide information and perspective based on what you've shared, only you can decide how to label what happened to you. No one else can tell you how to feel about it or what to call it. Your feelings are valid, whatever they are.

Thank you for reaching out to us. While we cannot label your experience for you, we can provide some context that may help you process it. Sexual interactions between young children, even if seemingly consensual, are complicated by several factors. Children typically lack the maturity and understanding to truly consent to sexual activities. Power dynamics can exist even between children of similar ages, especially with family members. Additionally, it's worth noting that some degree of sexual curiosity and exploration between children of simil...

Thank you for reaching out and sharing something so personal. What you're describing sounds incredibly confusing and painful to carry. At such a young age, children are not capable of giving informed consent, as they don't yet have the developmental capacity, maturity, or understanding needed to truly consent to sexual activities, even with peers their own age. This isn't about intelligence or maturity -- it's simply how our brains and understanding of the world develop over time. Any experiences involving children at that age should be viewed...

Thank you for sharing this sensitive experience. Based on the details you've shared and the way you've framed them, this interaction does not appear to meet the criteria for child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA). COCSA typically involves more explicitly sexual behaviors or interactions that are clearly beyond age-appropriate curiosity or affection.

Thank you for asking this. What you experienced could absolutely count as sexual assault depending on the context. Sexual assault is any unwanted sexual contact, and it doesn't require penetration or rape to be valid or harmful. When someone touches your body in sexual ways without your consent, whether they're an adult or another child, that can be characterized as sexual assault, and your experience and feelings about it matter completely.

Thank you so much for trusting us with this. It makes sense that this conversation stirred up a lot of fear and uncertainty, even though you approached it with genuine care and a desire to take accountability.  They told you they have no memory of it and that they do not care. That is not a polite way of brushing you off...that is the most honest and complete answer they could have given you. You went to them with sincerity, you gave them a real opening to share anything they needed to share, and they used that opening to tell you they ar...