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Answer by Dr. Laura
PhD Mental Health Nurse & Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner
Thank you so much for trusting us with this. It makes sense that this conversation stirred up a lot of fear and uncertainty, even though you approached it with genuine care and a desire to take accountability.
They told you they have no memory of it and that they do not care. That is not a polite way of brushing you off...that is the most honest and complete answer they could have given you. You went to them with sincerity, you gave them a real opening to share anything they needed to share, and they used that opening to tell you they are okay. It is okay to receive that. It does not sound like you reintroduced a memory for them. You offered an apology to someone who is not hurting around this, and their response gave you something clear.
Memory does not work like a seed you can plant with a single conversation. A gentle, non-pressuring check-in from someone who genuinely wanted to make amends is very different from the kind of disclosure that causes harm. The anxiety telling you otherwise is not giving you accurate information. It is doing what anxiety does, which is finding the next thing to worry about once the first worry begins to settle.
Regarding your question about whether you should report yourself...what you described was previously assessed as falling within the range of typical childhood curiosity. The legal system does not prosecute adults for things they did as young children that were never reported, never harmed anyone, and that the other person does not remember or consider harmful. Walking into a police station to report something that the only other person involved says they have no memory of and do not care about would not result in the accountability you might be imagining. There is genuinely no legal process designed for what you are describing. What you are experiencing is the weight of a conscience that has been doing its job.
It is also worth naming that this pattern, where reassurance briefly helps and then worry shifts to the next possible consequence, is something therapists who work with OCD and anxiety recognize. The mind locks onto the fear of having caused harm and keeps moving the goalposts even when answers are clear. If this resonates, bringing it to a therapist with experience in OCD or intrusive thoughts could be genuinely meaningful. The path forward is not more reassurance-seeking, it is learning to sit with uncertainty without letting anxiety make your decisions for you.
You reached out to them. You received a clear answer. The next step is not turning yourself in...it is turning toward your own healing. You deserve that relief.
You have a comment in progress, are you sure you want to discard it?
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Grounding activity
Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:
5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)
4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)
3 – things you can hear
2 – things you can smell
1 – thing you like about yourself.
Take a deep breath to end.
From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.
Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).
Take a deep breath to end.
Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:
1. Where am I?
2. What day of the week is today?
3. What is today’s date?
4. What is the current month?
5. What is the current year?
6. How old am I?
7. What season is it?
Take a deep breath to end.
Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.
Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.
Take a deep breath to end.
Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.
Take a deep breath to end.