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A boy my age touched my chest without asking. He didn’t pressure or coerce me, he just put his hands on me without consent. Does this count as assault when he didn’t force me, and we were 9?
Answer by Dr. Laura
PhD Mental Health Nurse & Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner
Thank you for sharing this sensitive experience. What happened to you - having your chest touched without consent - is a form of inappropriate touching, even though you were both very young at the time.
It's important to understand that only you can decide how to label or define your own experiences. While I can provide information and context, the way you choose to view or describe what happened is entirely up to you. Your perspective is valid and may even change over time as you process the experience, which is completely normal.
At 9 years old, children are still learning about boundaries, consent, and appropriate behavior. The boy who touched you may not have fully understood the implications or seriousness of his actions. This doesn't excuse what happened, but it's important context when considering the situation.
However, it's crucial to distinguish between intent and impact. Even if the boy didn't intend to cause harm or distress, his actions could still have a significant impact on you. Your feelings about this experience, whatever they may be, are entirely valid.
If you do identify this experience as assault, that's completely valid. Trust your feelings and your understanding of the situation. No one else can tell you how to feel about what happened to you. If you feel violated or hurt by this experience, those feelings are real and important, regardless of the age of the person who touched you or their possible lack of understanding.
If you're feeling troubled by this experience, it might be helpful to talk to a trusted adult or a counselor. They can provide support and help you process your feelings about what happened. Remember, you have the right to set boundaries about your body, and it's always okay to tell someone not to touch you in ways that make you uncomfortable. Thank you for reaching out to us. You are not alone.
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Grounding activity
Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:
5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)
4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)
3 – things you can hear
2 – things you can smell
1 – thing you like about yourself.
Take a deep breath to end.
From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.
Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).
Take a deep breath to end.
Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:
1. Where am I?
2. What day of the week is today?
3. What is today’s date?
4. What is the current month?
5. What is the current year?
6. How old am I?
7. What season is it?
Take a deep breath to end.
Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.
Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.
Take a deep breath to end.
Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.
Take a deep breath to end.