Making sense of childhood experiences

I'm so sorry that you experienced this and are struggling with the impact and meaning of it. What you're describing sounds distressing and violating, even though both people involved were children. You're absolutely right that legally children ages 9-11 cannot meaningfully consent to sex, regardless of whether an adult is present. Children that age are not developmentally capable of understanding or consenting to sexual activity. If one child initiates sexual behaviors and the other child feels unable to refuse or stop what's happening, that i...

Thank you so much for trusting us with this deeply personal experience. It sounds like a difficult situation, and your feelings about it are important. While I can provide information and perspective based on what you've shared, only you can decide how to label what happened to you. No one else can tell you how to feel about it or what to call it. Your feelings are valid, whatever they are.

Thank you for this question and I am so sorry you experienced this. Based on the information you've shared, it sounds like what you experienced could be child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA). The repeated pressure, emotional manipulation, and guilt-tripping to engage in sexual acts, even though you both were young, is concerning and may constitute abusive behavior. Your repeated refusals should have been respected, and the fact that the other child continued to coerce you until you complied suggests a violation of your boundaries and autono...

Thank you for reaching out to us. It takes courage to share such a personal experience and seek clarity. It's evident that this situation has caused you significant distress, and your concern reflects a deep sense of empathy and responsibility. It's important to recognize that your feelings of guilt and worry are valid, even as we examine the context of the situation. While only you and the people you did this with can label the experiences you described, my assessment is the behaviors you shared--consensual, clothed body rubbing with peers du...

Thanks for reaching out to us. It sounds like this memory is creating a lot of discomfort and uncertainty for you, and that's completely understandable. Your instincts about this situation are absolutely valid, and I want to acknowledge how much courage it takes to ask this question. What you've described crosses important boundaries that should exist between parents and children. Being expected to massage a parent's body in an area that normally would be private can violate important boundaries between a child and an adult.

Thank you for this question. When discussing sexual behavior among children or adolescents of similar ages, it's important to be sensitive to the developmental nuances surrounding healthy sexual exploration and areas where coercion can occur. Coercion in these contexts can take various forms, but generally involves pressuring or manipulating someone into sexual activity they're not comfortable with or ready for.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. What you're describing sounds like it was deeply uncomfortable and violating, and I can understand why you've carried stress about this experience for so long. Child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) generally refers to sexual interactions between children where there is a lack of consent, an imbalance of power, or where one child is coerced or manipulated into sexual activity. It can also include situations where one child's boundaries are violated, even when both children are the same age. Only you can determin...

Thank you for reaching out to us. The guilt you're carrying is incredibly heavy, and it's completely understandable that you're feeling this way now, especially as you've grown and gained a deeper understanding of appropriate boundaries. What you're describing is actually more common than many people realize, though it's rarely discussed openly, which can make people feel isolated in their experiences.

Thank you for sharing your feelings about this deeply personal experience. It's understandable that you're grappling with guilt and confusion as you reflect on what happened when you were younger. The guilt and concern you feel shows that you understand boundaries now in ways you didn't as a child, and that recognition is actually a sign of healthy development and empathy.

Thank you for reaching out with this thoughtful question. The scenario you're describing (where a 14 or 15 year old touched a sleeping 9 year old's breast and genitals) would generally be considered concerning harmful sexual behavior and could fall under the category of child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA). There are several factors that make this situation different from the brief curiosity-driven touch you referenced. The combination of the significant age gap (five to six years), the developmental stage of the older child, the intimate natur...

Thank you for sharing your story with us. What happened to you in nursery school was not your fault, and it's important to acknowledge that you were a child who didn't want to participate in that game. The other children disregarded your feelings and your boundaries, which was not okay.

Thank you so much for trusting us with the details of this experience. What you described involved several concerning elements: being led to a hidden location, having your initial "no" dismissed, and being manipulated through friendship and false information about what people who "like each other" do. Your age meant you couldn't truly understand or consent to such acts, and the use of manipulation rather than physical force doesn't make the experience any less valid or impactful.

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your feelings. This really resonates with me and I am sure for many others who might be reading this. It's completely understandable to feel discouraged when old emotions resurface, especially after you've been making progress in your healing journey. Recovery from childhood trauma often isn't a straight line, and (while frustrating) it's common to experience ups and downs along the way.Sometimes, distressing feelings can reemerge without an obvious reason, and that can be confusing. It's important to rem...

Thank you for sharing your experience. What you described could certainly align with what many professionals would consider child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA). COCSA refers to sexual activities between children that are not age-appropriate, are not mutual, or involve coercion, manipulation, or a significant power imbalance. While the other child was younger chronologically, factors like his physical size (being nearly a foot taller), the intimidation you felt, and the repeated pressure created a power dynamic that made true consent impos...

Thank you for trusting us with this. Your memories and feelings are completely valid, and you are not overreacting. What you're describing was inappropriate sexual contact, though it's important to recognize that your sister was a child herself. Memory gaps and delayed recognition of childhood trauma are common protective responses of our brains. Children sometimes engage in inappropriate behavior without fully understanding the impact of their actions, often due to natural curiosity or, sometimes, their own experiences of abuse.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings about this with us. Your feelings of confusion about terminology are completely understandable and reflect a common struggle many survivors face when trying to name their experiences. What you experienced as a child was sexual abuse, regardless of the age of the person who harmed you. COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) is indeed a recognized form of child sexual abuse, not a separate or lesser category. The "CSA" in COCSA literally stands for child sexual abuse, affirming that your experiences...

What you're experiencing sounds incredibly distressing, thank you for trusting us with this. The anxiety and confusion you're feeling about unclear childhood memories is actually quite common. You're not alone in grappling with these difficult questions.

Thank you for having the courage to share this difficult memory with us. It's clear from your message that you feel deep remorse and care about your brother's wellbeing. It's important to understand that sexually reactive behavior in children can be complex and often stems from developmental factors, curiosity, or sometimes the child's own experiences of confusion around boundaries.

Thank you for reaching out to us again. What you're describing doesn't change the core truth from your previous question - you were a child exploring boundaries without adult understanding or intent. At seven years old, children naturally explore relationships and social norms through curiosity. The behaviors you describe are common childhood exploration, which is why the adults in your life responded with gentle correction rather than alarm. Most importantly, you internalized those boundaries and even guided your brother when he tried again,...

Thank you for these important questions. They highlight complex issues regarding consent, intent, and the definition of sexual assault. Regarding the first scenario involving adults: Any non-consensual touching of private parts is generally considered sexual assault, regardless of the intent behind it. The key factor here is the lack of consent, not the motivation of the person doing the touching. Whether it's done as a joke, to upset someone, or for sexual gratification, touching someone's private parts without their permission is a violatio...

Thank you for this question. I want to start by affirming that your experience absolutely matters, and the impact it had on you is valid and real. Child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) is a serious form of sexual violence that can have lasting effects on survivors, regardless of the age of the person who harmed you.

Thank you for reaching out and asking about this. Regarding your first experience, what you described (an older child exposing himself and attempting to coerce you into sexual contact) does align with characteristics of child-on-child sexual abuse. The significant age difference (approximately 6-7 years), the coercive nature of trying to convince you to do something you did not want to do and the inappropriate sexual behavior all suggest this was abusive. The fact that you didn't comply doesn't diminish the inappropriate and harmful natur...

I can hear how much pain and self-disgust you're carrying about these childhood memories, and I want you to know that your distress is understandable while also being much harsher on yourself than the situation warrants. What you're describing falls clearly within the realm of normal childhood development and experimentation, not sexual assault.

Thank you for having the courage to share this difficult experience. What happened to you was not your fault, and it's understandable that you're feeling confused and distressed about it. Your feelings are valid, and it's important to be gentle with yourself as you process this.

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your experience with us. I want to start by saying yes what you experienced can still be considered sexual abuse. When you were six years old, you were encouraged—through bribery and pressure—by older children to engage in a sexual act that you didn't truly want to do. Children cannot consent to sexual activities, regardless of whether they appear to "go along with" something. A 6-year-old child lacks the developmental capacity to understand sexual acts or provide meaningful consent. The...

Thank you for sharing your experience with such honesty and vulnerability. It can be challenging to reflect on and talk about events from your childhood, especially when they are tied to intense guilt and are weighing heavily on your mind. At nine years old, children are naturally curious about their bodies and the world around them. They are still learning about boundaries, relationships, and appropriate behavior. When your friend introduced "playing doctor," it exposed you to behaviors that you weren't developmentally prepared to fully under...

Thank you for reaching out to us. I'm so sorry to hear about what you've experienced. It takes a lot of courage to share something so personal. The actions you described are serious and inappropriate. These behaviors disregard your personal boundaries and consent, and it's understandable that they've left you feeling confused and hurt.

Thank you for sharing your concerns about these difficult childhood experiences. Your feelings and doubts are valid. Memory, especially of distressing events, can be complex and sometimes unclear. It's not uncommon for individuals who have had potentially traumatic childhood experiences to question their recollections or worry about the accuracy of their memories. This uncertainty doesn't invalidate your experiences or feelings.

I hear how much distress you're carrying about this, and I want to start by saying that I appreciate your willingness to reflect on your past interactions. What you're describing, however, sounds like a situation where OCD is causing you to catastrophize a moment of adolescent awkwardness into something far more serious than what actually occurred.

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I'm sorry that you went through such a distressing situation, and that your feelings were dismissed by someone who should have supported you.What you described—boys touching your body in inappropriate places while you were begging them to stop—is not acceptable behavior. It's understandable that this experience has left you feeling uncomfortable and that the memories still impact you today.COCSA refers to sexual activities between children that are inappropriate for their age or develo...

Thank you so much for trusting us with this difficult experience. What you've described seems to go beyond typical childhood curiosity or "innocence." The situation involved coercion and a threat, which are not part of healthy, consensual exploration. Your friend's suggestion of a "fawning" response - a trauma response where someone complies to avoid conflict or further harm - seems applicable here.

Thank you for reaching out to us. I want to first acknowledge the immense courage it takes to share these experiences, especially when you've encountered dismissive responses from others. Your struggle to validate your own experience while managing others' minimizing reactions is something many survivors face, and it's particularly challenging when it involves peer-on-peer childhood abuse.

Thank you so much for reaching out and sharing these deeply personal feelings with us. I can hear how much distress you're experiencing, and I want you to know that you're not alone. It takes a great deal of courage to confront these thoughts and to seek understanding, especially while you're waiting to connect with a therapist.Reflecting on childhood experiences can be incredibly complex and emotionally challenging. During the ages of 11 to 13, children are still developing their understanding of boundaries, relationships, and sexuality. It's...

Thank you for sharing this memory with us and seeking clarity about it. The confusion and concern you are feeling are completely understandable, and it shows your care for others that you're reflecting on this experience thoughtfully. Your therapist's assessment aligns with what many professionals would consider about this situation. What you're describing appears to be a brief moment of childhood curiosity rather than COCSA or criminal behavior. Several factors support this. For example, the contact was very brief, you immediately stopped whe...

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us. What you've described is a complex and confusing situation that some children face, but aren't sure how to make sense of as adults. Developmentally, it's common for children, especially young ones, to explore their bodies and engage in sexual play with other children as part of learning about their bodies and sexuality. In this vein, some degree of exploratory play between siblings is also not unusual, particularly if there hasn't been a lot of education about boundaries. However, dependin...

Thank you for this question. First and foremost, I want to commend you for your bravery in confronting this painful memory and seeking understanding. Recognizing the impact of childhood experiences is a courageous step in the healing process. What you've described - being repeatedly subjected to forced enemas despite your protests and distress - sounds deeply distressing and violating. The fact that you recall screaming, begging, and then dissociating (a common trauma response) underscores the emotional impact of these experiences.

Thanks for asking aboout this. The distinction between normal childhood curiosity and problematic sexual behavior involves several important factors, with age differences and genuine mutuality being key considerations. A key difference lies in the age gap between the children and the presence or absence of genuine mutuality. When a four-year-old is interacting with a twelve-year-old, there is already a significant disparity in power, understanding, and development. Children that young do not have the capacity to consent, and a much older child...

It's completely understandable to wonder about childhood memories like these. When we look back on our early years, it's natural to have questions about behaviors that seem confusing or surprising in hindsight, and it's brave of you to seek information to better understand what happened.

Thank you for having the courage to share your experience with us. First and foremost, please know that what happened when you were a child does not define who you are today. You were a young child yourself, navigating complex situations while also experiencing abuse in your own home. Your feelings of remorse and concern for the impact of your actions show your deep capacity for empathy and growth.

Thank you so much for trusting us with this question. To start, you are not alone. It is quite common for individuals who are processing childhood trauma to feel guilt, shame, and confusion. It is also common for survivors to not want to believe what happened to them was real, or for them to have memory gaps surrounding certain details of these events. Only you know what you have experienced, but here are some of our thoughts below. 

Thank you so much for this question. You are not being dramatic. First and foremost, it’s important to remember that only you can define what happened to you. Sexual violence is deeply personal, and how you understand and process your experiences is entirely up to you. While we aim to provide support and information, please know that we are not here to label or define your experience. Your experience is yours and yours alone.

Thank you for trusting us with this. I hear the pain and remorse in your words and I understand why the memory of that moment continues to trouble you. What you're describing is actually more common than many people realize, and your feelings of guilt show both your moral development and your capacity for empathy. From what you've described, you were both very young at the time, navigating curiosity about things you'd seen that you were not old enough to process. While it may feel overwhelming, it is important to remember that you were a child...

Thank you so much for asking this question. Yes, a nine-year-old can certainly abuse or assault another nine-year-old. For an example of this, take a look at this question we recently responded to another survivor who experienced abuse by a peer at age nine. You can also learn more about child-on-child sexual abuse here. Thank you so much for asking this question. Your experience matters and you are not alone. 

Thank you so much for sharing your intimate feelings with us. Feelings of guilt about not speaking up sooner are completely normal, but please know that keeping quiet was not wrong or your fault. Many people stay silent about uncomfortable or traumatic experiences, especially when they happen during childhood. Confusion about the nature of the touch is absolutely valid - our minds and bodies often need time to process experiences that feel violating or uncomfortable. Your courage in exploring these feelings now shows incredible strength.

Thank you for reaching out about this sensitive topic. It's understandable to have questions about your experiences and feelings.  Trauma can influence a person's interests or fixations, but it's important to understand that this is a complex topic without simple answers. The development of interests, including sexual ones, is influenced by many factors and can begin at different ages for different individuals.

Thank you for reaching out with this important question. I'm sorry to hear that you're grappling with such a difficult and confusing experience. Consent must be given freely, willingly, and without any form of pressure, manipulation, or coercion. If you were forced to say "yes," then genuine consent was not present. Being forced to give consent is not true consent at all--it is coercion and it completely invalidates any verbal agreement you may have given.

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your question. Yes, what you experienced is a form of sexual exploitation and abuse, and in many jurisdictions, it's classified as a crime. When an adult solicits nude images from someone, they are engaging in sexually abusive behavior that violates boundaries and consent. The fact that this occurred through text messages doesn't diminish the seriousness of what happened. This behavior is a serious violation of trust and boundaries, and it is illegal in many places.

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your question. It's completely understandable to have questions about childhood experiences, especially as you reflect on them later in life. Exploring curiosity about bodies and sexuality is a natural part of growing up, and it's not uncommon for children close in age to engage in some form of exploration with peers or relatives.When children engage in activities like touching each other, several factors are important to consider, such as age, understanding, consent, and whether any coercion was involved...

Thank you for trusting us with this memory and these difficult feelings. It is completely normal to feel unsure about a confusing childhood memory, especially when it revives strong emotions or discomfort.  At four to seven years old, you were still learning about boundaries and appropriate touch, and you depended on the adults around you to guide and protect you. Children naturally seek comfort and closeness in many different ways, and needing soothing touch to fall asleep is completely normal developmental behavior. Many children find c...

Thank you for bringing up this important question. To answer your question simply: Yes, it is still considered COCSA or sexual assault even if the offender feels bad for their actions and feels guilty afterward. The feelings of the person who committed the harmful act do not change the nature of what happened or its impact on the person who was harmed.Sexual abuse and assault are defined by actions that violate someone's boundaries and consent, regardless of the offender's intentions or subsequent emotions. While an offender's guilt may indica...