When I was about 9 years old, a family member who was about 13 exposed me to pornography before I had any sexual knowledge. Years later, when I was 12-13, I inappropriately touched my younger cousins. I feel disgusted by it today, but at that time, all I knew about sex was from pornography - no one had taught me about consent. I thought it was just a game. Does that make me a child-on-child abuser? I feel like I'm justifying a bad action when I say I was also a child and didn't know what I did was wrong. I hate that when I think about movements against sexual assault, I feel I have no right being part of them because I might be part of the problem. My relationship with my cousins is great, but I haven't had the courage to talk to them about it. Am I wrong to feel this guilt, and how should I process these feelings?

Thank you for sharing this sensitive experience with us. What you're describing reflects a complex situation that many survivors and those who have caused harm as children struggle with. When children are exposed to sexual content at a young age, it can be confusing and overwhelming. You were just nine years old when you were introduced to pornography by an older family member, and it's natural that you sought to understand what you saw in the only way you knew how. Without guidance or open conversations about sexuality and consent, it's understandable that you might not have fully grasped what was appropriate or the implications of certain actions.

Children who act out sexually after being exposed to inappropriate content are not typically considered "abusers" in the same way adults would be. By the time you were 12 or 13, you were still a child trying to make sense of complex topics without proper support. Your brain was still developing, and without proper guidance, you were navigating confusing territory with limited understanding. Engaging with your younger cousins in a way that you thought was a game reflects a lack of understanding rather than malicious intent. Children often mimic behaviors they've observed, especially when they haven't been taught about boundaries and consent.

The guilt and shame you feel now actually demonstrate your moral compass and growth. Feeling disgusted by your past actions shows that you now have a deeper understanding of right and wrong, and it speaks to your empathy. These feelings, while painful, show that you understand the significance of consent and boundaries now in ways you couldn't comprehend then. It's important to be gentle with yourself and recognize that your intentions were not to harm.

Your great relationship with your cousins today suggests that they may not hold any negative feelings about the past. Moving forward with healing might involve working with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood sexual experiences. They can help you process these complicated feelings without judgment. If you're concerned about your cousins, a professional can also help you determine if and how to address this - though many experts caution that forced apologies can sometimes center the person who caused harm rather than supporting those who experienced it.

You have every right to be part of movements against sexual assault and to advocate for consent and healthy relationships. Many prevention advocates actually come to this work precisely because of their complex experiences with harm - both experiencing it and causing it. Your experiences can give you a unique perspective and drive to make a positive difference.

Remember that growth includes acknowledging past actions while recognizing that you were a child operating with limited understanding and likely responding to your own exposure to inappropriate content. Your commitment to understanding consent and preventing harm now is valuable, and your voice in prevention work matters precisely because you understand the complexity of these issues. Be kind to yourself as you continue to process these feelings - you deserve compassion and understanding. Thank you for trusting us with this.