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Answer by Dr. Laura
PhD Mental Health Nurse & Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner
Thank you for reaching out and sharing your experience with us. What you described does have characteristics that potentially align with Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse (COCSA), and I want you to know that your feelings about this experience are completely valid. Even if an incident happens only once and is brief, it can still have a significant impact.
There are several elements in your experience that are concerning and distinguish it from typical childhood exploration. When you clearly expressed that you didn't want to participate, your cousin used threats to override your boundaries. This coercion, combined with the age difference and your clear discomfort, are important factors to consider. It's worth noting that your cousin was also a child at the time, and children who engage in these behaviors may themselves be acting out something they experienced or witnessed, or may not have fully understood the impact of their actions.
It's significant that you remember feeling extremely uncomfortable and expressing that you didn't want to participate. Children have an innate sense of what feels wrong, and your discomfort was your body and mind trying to protect you. Your instinct to feel uncomfortable was absolutely correct, and the fact that you said no shows your natural protective instincts were working. Your feelings of discomfort and fear were valid, and you had every right to have your boundaries respected.
None of this was your fault. You were too young to understand what was happening, and you were put in a difficult position where you felt you had to comply out of fear. You expressed your boundaries clearly, and those should have been respected regardless of the circumstances. While your cousin was also young and may not have fully understood the harm being caused, that doesn't diminish the impact this experience had on you.
If this experience is still affecting you, consider reaching out to a trusted adult or a mental health professional who can provide support and guidance. They can help you process your feelings and explore what this experience means for you personally. Many survivors find it helpful to work with trauma-informed therapists who understand the complexities of childhood experiences and can help you make sense of your own feelings about what happened.
Remember, you're not alone, and it's okay to seek help. Taking this step to share your story shows courage, and you deserve support as you navigate your feelings about this experience.
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Grounding activity
Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:
5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)
4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)
3 – things you can hear
2 – things you can smell
1 – thing you like about yourself.
Take a deep breath to end.
From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.
Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).
Take a deep breath to end.
Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:
1. Where am I?
2. What day of the week is today?
3. What is today’s date?
4. What is the current month?
5. What is the current year?
6. How old am I?
7. What season is it?
Take a deep breath to end.
Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.
Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.
Take a deep breath to end.
Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.
Take a deep breath to end.