When I was 4 I was in nursery and the kids decided they wanted to play doctors and they started touching each others genitals. I didn't want to play but they said I was sick so I had to and they held me down and touched me and pretended to do surgery on my vulva. I cried and they nursery workers came in and told them to stop. I feel like it was so long ago no one would care or believe me but I think about it all the time and I feel like it's my fault. Is it COCSA? I don't know what to do I'm so embarrassed.

Thank you for sharing your story with us. What happened to you in nursery school was not your fault, and it's important to acknowledge that you were a child who didn't want to participate in that game. The other children disregarded your feelings and your boundaries, which was not okay.

Feeling embarrassed, thinking about it often, and questioning whether anyone would care are all common reactions to such experiences. Many survivors of childhood experiences like yours carry feelings of shame, embarrassment, or self-blame into adulthood. These are common reactions, but it's completely understandable that this event has stayed with you. Being held down and touched against your will can be a deeply distressing experience, regardless of how much time has passed.

Only you can determine how to label or understand your experience. What's important to recognize is that there were clear elements of force involved - you said no, you were held down against your will, and you were crying, which prompted the nursery workers to intervene. These are indicators that your boundaries were violated. While some children do engage in exploratory play, what distinguishes concerning interactions is the presence of force, coercion, or a significant power imbalance - elements that appear to have been present in your situation.

You did nothing wrong. You expressed that you didn't want to play, and your choices should have been respected. The responsibility lies with those who ignored your wishes, not with you. A 4-year-old child cannot be responsible for being victimized by others. The nursery workers' intervention confirms they recognized the situation was inappropriate. It's also understandable to feel that others might not believe you or that it happened so long ago that it doesn't matter. However, your feelings are valid, your experience matters, and what happened to you is significant.

Memories from early childhood can have lasting impacts, and it's entirely valid that this experience still affects you. If you're comfortable, consider reaching out to someone you trust, such as a close friend, family member, or a mental health professional. Many people find that speaking with a trauma-informed therapist helps process these early experiences and reduce their emotional impact. 

You are not alone, and there are people who care and want to help. Healing is possible at any age, no matter how long ago the experience occurred. Thank you for trusting us with this.