When I was 6, a boy my age pressured me into oral by saying things like "it's what you'd do if you loved me" and "I'll be your friend if you do." I said no at first, but I was lonely and wanted a friend. Over time I started participating without him needing to pressure me. I'm confused about how to categorize this experience. It makes me feel ill thinking about it. Could you help me understand what this might be classified as? Is this COCSA or something else?

Thank you for having the courage to share this difficult experience. What happened to you was not your fault, and it's understandable that you're feeling confused and distressed about it. Your feelings are valid, and it's important to be gentle with yourself as you process this.

The situation you described has many elements that align with COCSA  (Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse). Even though the other child was your age, their actions were coercive and inappropriate. The fact that you initially said no and didn't fully understand what was happening indicates that you did not give informed consent. Children cannot truly consent to sexual activities, even with other children.

However, it's crucial to recognize that only you can truly define your experience. While professionals and others can provide information and context, ultimately, how you categorize and understand what happened to you is deeply personal. Your perspective on your experiences may also change over time as you process and reflect on them. There's no "right" or "wrong" way to feel about or label your experiences.

It's common for survivors of childhood sexual experiences to feel conflicted, especially if they eventually participated without overt pressure. However, this doesn't negate the abusive nature of the initial encounters or the overall situation. The power dynamics and manipulation involved created an unhealthy environment, regardless of how your responses may have evolved over time.

Your feelings of illness when thinking about these events are a normal reaction to a potentially traumatic experience. It's important to recognize that your participation, even when it seemed voluntary, seems to be the result of earlier coercion and manipulation. You were doing what you thought you needed to do to maintain a friendship and meet your emotional needs as a child.

I encourage you to be kind to yourself and consider speaking with a mental health professional who specializes in childhood trauma. They can provide you with the support and tools to process these experiences and work through your feelings, while respecting your own interpretation of events. Remember, you deserve healing and compassion, especially from yourself. Thank you for reaching out to us.