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When I was pretty drunk at a university drinking party, I met a male senior in front of the restroom and he pulled me in with him. Even if I remember, it's hard to get along with him, so I've forgotten, but I think he touched me in various ways. I think he was just messing around, but I keep thinking about what would have happened if [name] hadn't come and teased me. I avoid passing by that store in [place name]. Is what happened to me sexual violence, and is it traumatic for me? What should I do?
Answer by Dr. Laura
PhD Mental Health Nurse & Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner
Thank you so much for reaching out to us in this time of confusion.
The experience you described - being dragged into a bathroom by an older man while you were drunk and having him touch you without your consent - is a very serious incident.
Even if the other person was just joking around or had been drinking, it is never acceptable for them to touch you without your permission .
These acts could be considered sexual violence .
However, rather than jumping to conclusions with questions like, "Is this sexual violence?" or "Is it traumatic?", we recommend that you first talk to someone you feel comfortable talking to about how you felt .
Especially when the other person is someone close to you, you tend to prioritize your relationship with that person and put your own feelings on the back burner.
Talking to people who value and accept your feelings will be an important support for you in the future.
I feel that there may still be anxiety, confusion, and hurt feelings inside you because you keep remembering the incident and avoiding the place.
This confusion and ambiguity is a natural reaction to protect yourself, and avoiding the situation or remembering it is also a sign that your mind is trying to protect you.
Please remember: everyone has the right to feel safe and respected.
Acknowledge how you are feeling and know that you are not alone.
Speaking it out loud will help you take back some of your power .
I sincerely hope that you will not carry the burden alone, but will walk the path to healing with someone.
Thank you so much for providing us with such important advice.
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Grounding activity
Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:
5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)
4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)
3 – things you can hear
2 – things you can smell
1 – thing you like about yourself.
Take a deep breath to end.
From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.
Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).
Take a deep breath to end.
Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:
1. Where am I?
2. What day of the week is today?
3. What is today’s date?
4. What is the current month?
5. What is the current year?
6. How old am I?
7. What season is it?
Take a deep breath to end.
Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.
Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.
Take a deep breath to end.
Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.
Take a deep breath to end.