Find Answers to Your Questions ~ Our Wave Community

Question 1

Do you think what happened to me was abuse if I gave my consent and it was with someone my own age? To this day, I regret that experience.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out and sharing something so personal. What you're describing sounds incredibly confusing and painful to carry. At such a young age, children are not capable of giving informed consent, as they don't yet have the developmental capacity, maturity, or understanding needed to truly consent to sexual activities, even with peers their own age. This isn't about intelligence or maturity -- it's simply how our brains and understanding of the world develop over time. Any experiences involving children at that age should be viewed through the lens of child development.

Children naturally explore and are curious about their bodies and others' as a normal part of growing up, which is completely normal. However, when sexual contact occurs between very young children, it often happens without a full understanding of what's taking place or its potential impact. It's important to recognize that feelings of regret or confusion about such experiences are valid. The fact that you've carried regret about this experience for so long suggests it has affected you in meaningful ways, regardless of the specific circumstances or labels we might use.

Your feelings about this experience matter more than any particular terminology. If this memory brings you distress, shame, or confusion, those responses are telling you something important about how it impacted you. Many survivors struggle with questions about consent, especially when the experience involved peers or when they remember not resisting or even participating. These complex feelings are incredibly common and don't diminish the validity of your experience or your right to heal from it.

If this is something that's causing you distress, it might be helpful to talk to a trusted professional or trauma-informed therapist who can provide support and guidance and help you process these memories and feelings in a safe space. You deserve support in working through the impact this has had on your life, and there are professionals who specialize in helping people navigate these exact kinds of complex childhood experiences. Remember that you were very young, and it's not your fault. You deserve kindness and understanding as you process these feelings. Your healing and wellbeing matter, and seeking support is a sign of strength, not weakness. Thank you for reaching out to us.

Question 2

When I was younger, I was exposed to adult sexual content and had inappropriate experiences with adults online. During that same period, out of curiosity about sex, I asked my younger brother if he wanted to "play" something sexual (without penetration) and he agreed. I feel very guilty and disgusted with myself. Was this COCSA or normal childhood sexual play? Is this something very serious?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing your story with us. First, I want to acknowledge your courage in sharing something so difficult and painful. The feelings of guilt and disgust you describe are understandable, but I want to help you better understand this complex situation. What you describe reflects the profound impact of your early exposure to adult sexual content and inappropriate experiences with adults online. When children are exposed to sexual material or sexualized experiences before being developmentally ready, they may mimic or explore what they've seen without fully understanding it. This can sometimes lead to interactions with other children that, in hindsight, feel confusing or upsetting.

Determining whether an experience is considered Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse (COCSA) or childhood sexual play can be complex. COCSA typically involves a power imbalance, coercion, or force, while childhood sexual play generally occurs between children close in age who are exploring out of curiosity, without intent to harm or manipulate. The difference also includes factors like significant differences in power, age, or development, and behaviors that replicate adult sexual activity. In your case, given that both you and your brother were children and that you perceived it as a game at the time, it seems your behavior arose from curiosity influenced by inappropriate exposure, without intent to harm, though you recognize that you had more sexual knowledge than your brother due to your previous exposure.

It's crucial to remember that you were a victim of exploitation by adults who took advantage of your childhood vulnerability. Those adults are completely responsible for harming you. As a result of that victimization, you developed sexualized behaviors that weren't typical for your age. At ten years old, you were still learning about boundaries and appropriate behavior, and your younger brother was even less equipped to understand. This doesn't make you a bad person; it makes you a trauma survivor who manifested understandable symptoms.

Feeling guilty and disgusted with yourself is a heavy burden to carry, but it's important to recognize that as a child, you didn't have the maturity or understanding to fully grasp the implications of your actions. You weren't at fault for being exposed to inappropriate content, and you were navigating complex feelings and curiosity without proper guidance. The guilt you feel is real but directed at yourself when it should be directed at the adults who harmed you.

It might be helpful to speak with a mental health professional who can provide a safe space for you to explore these feelings further. They can offer support and help you process your emotions, allowing you to find compassion for your younger self. I strongly encourage you to seek therapeutic support specialized in childhood trauma and sexual victimization. Remember, you're not alone, and reaching out for help is a strong and brave step forward. You deserve healing and compassion, especially toward yourself.

Question 3

I'm struggling to differentiate between normal childhood curiosity and sexual abuse. These are two hypothetical situations: 1. A twelve-year-old started touching and kissing a four-year-old. She asked them to stop. This happened twice. 2. A twelve-year-old briefly inappropriately touched a four-year-old's private area over clothing, and when asked to stop, they immediately did and nothing more happened ever again. Would situation 1 be viewed as sexual assault/abuse, and situation 2 be viewed as normal childhood curiosity?

Accepted Answer

Thanks for asking aboout this. The distinction between normal childhood curiosity and problematic sexual behavior involves several important factors, with age differences and genuine mutuality being key considerations.

A key difference lies in the age gap between the children and the presence or absence of genuine mutuality. When a four-year-old is interacting with a twelve-year-old, there is already a significant disparity in power, understanding, and development. Children that young do not have the capacity to consent, and a much older child typically has a level of knowledge and influence that makes true "curiosity" difficult to separate from coercion. Normal childhood curiosity typically involves peers of similar ages and developmental stages exploring together with mutual interest, stopping immediately when anyone feels uncomfortable, and generally involving brief, exploratory behaviors rather than repeated actions.

In the first scenario, the younger child begged the older child to stop, but it happened twice anyway. Begging for it to stop indicates a clear refusal that was ignored, and that crosses a line into abusive behavior. Several concerning elements are present: the persistence despite clear communication to stop, the repetition of the behavior, and the significant age and developmental gap between the children. The fact that the behavior continued after the younger child asked it to stop indicates a disregard for boundaries that moves beyond typical curiosity.

In the second scenario, while the initial touching of private areas given the substantial age difference represents problematic sexual behavior that goes beyond typical peer curiosity, the fact that the older child stopped immediately when asked is significant. This immediate response to boundaries, while not excusing the inappropriate nature of the contact, suggests the behavior may have been more impulsive rather than predatory. The lack of repeated behavior after being told to stop is an important distinction that indicates the child was capable of respecting boundaries once they were clearly communicated.

True childhood exploration typically occurs among children of closer ages, tends to be mutual, and stops the moment a boundary is expressed. When a younger child expresses discomfort or says "no," yet the older child proceeds or even initiates such contact, it's generally viewed as a violation rather than harmless play. Both situations would likely benefit from adult intervention and guidance, though the approach might differ, to ensure that all children receive the support and education they need to develop healthy understanding of boundaries and appropriate interactions with others.

If you find yourself questioning these experiences, you are not alone. Many people struggle with how to label interactions that felt confusing or uncomfortable when they were very young. Above all, it is important to listen to your own sense of safety and comfort. Even in childhood, our reactions to being touched show us whether something was consensual exploration or a breach of boundaries that made us feel scared or powerless. Your feelings about these situations are valid regardless of how others might categorize them, and what matters most is how these experiences affected you and getting the support you need to process those feelings. Thank you so much for trusting us with this.

Question 4

I keep seeing my old swimming instructor's face in my head over and over, and it makes me feel sick to my stomach. I don't remember anything specific about him and haven't thought about him in years, but I see his face so clearly and how he's looking at me. I've had other traumatic encounters before, and I'm scared there might be another one I don't remember. These thoughts are making me feel physically ill and giving me headaches. What could this mean?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us. It sounds like you're experiencing a lot of confusion and distress seeing this person's face so vividly, especially when you have no clear memory or understanding of why it's bothering you now. What you're going through right now is incredibly overwhelming, and I want you to know that your fear and physical reactions are completely valid, regardless of what they ultimately mean or represent.

The sudden, vivid mental images of someone's face accompanied by intense physical symptoms like nausea and headaches can have many different explanations. Sometimes these reactions can signal that something significant happened, but they can also occur when our previous trauma experiences have made us more sensitive to certain people, situations, or dynamics that remind us (consciously or unconsciously) of past harm. Your brain might be responding to something about this person or your interactions with them that felt uncomfortable or unsettling, which may or may not have involved any inappropriate behavior on their part.

Often, when the mind picks up on a possible reminder of past harm, whether it's connected to an actual harmful event or simply reminiscent of feelings from a different painful experience, the body reacts before we have the words to explain it. Your previous traumatic encounters may have created a heightened awareness that causes your nervous system to respond strongly to memories or situations that share certain elements with your past experiences. Feeling sick to your stomach, or having your head hurt when these thoughts arise, is a common way your body might express alarm or uncertainty when trying to process confusing or distressing memories.

It's important to know that having these intense reactions could mean different things. Sometimes these strong physical and emotional responses do indicate that something harmful happened that your mind and body are trying to process, even when you don't have clear conscious memories of it. At the same time, these reactions can also occur when our minds and bodies create strong responses to people or situations based on subtle feelings of discomfort, power dynamics, or other elements that reminded us of previous difficulties, even when no abuse occurred with that specific person. Both possibilities are valid, and there's no way to know for certain without time and possibly professional support to help you explore these feelings safely. Your distress is real and deserves acknowledgment either way, and you deserve support in working through these difficult feelings regardless of what they ultimately reveal about your experiences.

You don't have to push yourself to force a memory or determine definitively what happened. Sometimes these sensations come up when your mind is processing various experiences, and the meaning isn't always clear right away. Right now, focusing on grounding techniques and self-care can help manage these intense physical symptoms. When these images come up, try grounding yourself in the present moment through deep breathing, naming things you can see around you, or holding something with a comforting texture.

If the nausea or headaches become overwhelming, consider reaching out to someone supportive (e.g. a friend, a trusted family member, or a trained professional) who understands how complex trauma responses can be. If you have access to trauma-informed therapy, they can help you navigate this process safely and at your own pace, without pressure to reach any specific conclusions about what these experiences mean.

Above all, be gentle with yourself. The fact that you feel so unsettled tells us that you deserve compassion and patience as you sort through what's happening. There is no right or wrong timeline for understanding what these reactions might mean, and it's okay to take it in small steps. You aren't alone, and there are people who will believe you and want to help you find some peace as you work through these difficult feelings. You don't have to go through it alone, and you deserve support during this challenging time. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 5

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

Accepted Answer

It is not uncommon for survivors to experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, including sexual arousal. This can be especially distressing for individuals who may feel guilty or ashamed for feeling aroused in response to a traumatic event.

Sexual arousal is a physical response that can occur even in the absence of sexual desire or consent. It is a physiological response that can be triggered by a wide range of stimuli, including thoughts, memories, and sensations. In the case of sexual assault survivors, it is possible that the body's natural response to physical stimulation may be triggered by memories or thoughts related to the assault, even if these thoughts and memories are not wanted or desired.

It is important to note that experiencing sexual arousal in response to memories of sexual assault is not an indication of consent or enjoyment of the assault. It is simply a physical response that the body may have learned to make in certain situations. If you are struggling with these feelings, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. They can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies to manage these difficult emotions.

Thank you for asking this tough question. You are not alone.

Question 6

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

Accepted Answer

The healing process can be an opportunity to regain the control and autonomy that is often taken away during a traumatic experience. You are in the driver seat of your recovery and you decide how you want to navigate your healing and what’s best for you.

Setting goals or benchmarks is one way to measure your growth and celebrate small wins as you recover after trauma. If you choose to set goals, remember that everyone heals in their own way and in their own time.

Be patient with your progress and compassionate toward yourself. Try not to compare your own growth to someone else’s—your path to recovery is yours and only yours.

What do you want to achieve? It can help to think about what’s important to you and what inspires you. You can work on something personal (like thinking more positively) or something more tangible (like making time for friends you’ve lost touch with).

Choosing goals that are specific and measurable makes them easier to achieve. Saying one kind thing to yourself daily for two weeks is a specific and measurable goal to think more positively. You can easily track it and tell if you’ve successfully accomplished it or not.

Once you choose a goal, think about whether it’s realistic for where you are right now in your healing process. Be gentle with yourself and the benchmarks you select. It’s okay if you don’t achieve a goal you set the first time. Large goals can be broken into smaller, more easily attainable goals. No goal is too small. Keep things simple. You will get there.

It’s helpful to have a mix of both short and long-term goals. How many goals are you focusing on at the same time? Focusing your attention on 2-3 goals at a time can make it easier to keep track of them.

You don’t have to recover or set goals alone. It’s okay to reach out to people you trust. Extra support and motivation can help you achieve your goals. It’s up to you to decide who you want to involve in your recovery process, even if it’s just having someone to celebrate with.

When you accomplish a goal, take a moment to take in your achievement. Acknowledge and celebrate growth, even if it’s small. It’s proof that you are still moving forward. Healing from trauma is hard work. It is not a straight-forward or easy process. It takes time, and you may experience setbacks along the way, but you can do it.

Question 7

When I was a child, my parents repeatedly forced enemas on me. I remember screaming and begging to stop then finally giving in, freezing and dissociating. I've only recently (30 years later) had the courage to recall this memory, of which I used to have flashbacks that made me sick. My parents are nice people, but I feel like I am a survivor of a kind of sexual abuse. Can you help me understand what happened to me?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. First and foremost, I want to commend you for your bravery in confronting this painful memory and seeking understanding. Recognizing the impact of childhood experiences is a courageous step in the healing process.

What you've described - being repeatedly subjected to forced enemas despite your protests and distress - sounds deeply distressing and violating. The fact that you recall screaming, begging, and then dissociating (a common trauma response) underscores the emotional impact of these experiences.

It's important to note that without knowing your full medical history, it's unclear whether the enemas were medically necessary. In some cases, invasive procedures may be warranted for a child's health and well-being. However, even if the enemas were medically justified, your feelings of fear, powerlessness, and violation are still valid. A procedure can be both necessary and traumatic, and your emotional response and the harm associated with these experiences deserves to be acknowledged and respected.

If you feel safe and comfortable doing so, it may be helpful to share your feelings with your parents and ask for more information about the circumstances surrounding these events. Understanding the context and medical reasoning behind the enemas might provide some clarity and help you process the experience. However, it's important to prioritize your own emotional safety and only have this conversation if you feel supported and ready.

The flashbacks and physical sickness you mention are common symptoms of unresolved trauma. When our bodies and minds are overwhelmed by a distressing experience, the memory can get "stuck" in our nervous system, causing intrusive thoughts, sensations, and emotional reactivity. This is especially true for traumas experienced in childhood, when we lack the resources and context to fully process what's happening to us.

Please know that your feelings and the long-term impact of these experiences are valid, regardless of the medical necessity of the enemas. You deserved to have your boundaries and bodily autonomy respected, and it's not your fault that they weren't. It sounds like harm occurred here and you deserve to seek help to heal from that harm.

Healing from childhood trauma is a highly personal journey that often benefits from professional support. I encourage you to seek out a therapist who specializes in childhood trauma and medical trauma. They can provide a safe space to process your memories, validate your experiences, and work with you to develop coping strategies for managing symptoms. They may also be able to get into more specifics with you surrounding whether or not what you experienced was abuse.

Thank you so much for this question and I am sorry that I cannot provide more guidanc. However you define your experience, you are welcome here. You are not alone.

Question 8

A few years ago, I had a memory resurface of when I was 11-12 years old. I briefly (for a few seconds) placed the back of my hand on a family friend's (5-year-old male) private area. I remember him saying 'that is my private area' and I immediately removed my hand and never did that again. I'm not sure why I did it. I had a lot of sexual curiosity at that age and exposure to pornography. No other sexual actions occurred between us, and there was no intent to do anything sexual. I think I was just curious. I spoke to a therapist who said this wasn't COCSA or any sexual crime, and that it's not uncommon. She noted that although there was an age difference, there were no sexual actions taken or force/manipulation used. Do you agree with my therapist? I'm not sure if this was a crime or just normal childhood exploration.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing this memory with us and seeking clarity about it. The confusion and concern you are feeling are completely understandable, and it shows your care for others that you're reflecting on this experience thoughtfully.

Your therapist's assessment aligns with what many professionals would consider about this situation. What you're describing appears to be a brief moment of childhood curiosity rather than COCSA or criminal behavior. Several factors support this. For example, the contact was very brief, you immediately stopped when the other child expressed his boundary, there seemed to be no force or manipulation involved, and you never repeated the behavior.

Childhood sexual curiosity is developmentally normal, even when there are age differences involved. Children often explore through touch and observation as they try to understand bodies and differences. The key distinguishing factors that separate normal exploration from concerning behavior include the presence of coercion, repeated boundary violations after being told to stop, or behaviors that cause distress or harm.

Your immediate response to his boundary-setting shows that your childhood curiosity was not driven by harmful intent. You respected his "no" instantly and completely. This is actually a positive indicator that you were engaging in typical childhood exploration rather than problematic behavior.

The exposure to pornography at a young age likely did increase your sexual curiosity, as it does for many children. However, this doesn't mean your actions were predatory or criminal. You were still a child processing confusing information you weren't developmentally ready for.

Many adults carry shame about childhood moments that seem inappropriate through an adult lens, even when those moments were within the range of normal childhood development. The fact that this memory troubles you demonstrates your moral awareness and empathy, not evidence that you did something seriously wrong. Thank you for reaching out to us. We hope this helped ease your mind.

Question 9

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

Accepted Answer

When a loved one is going through a difficult time in their healing journey, they may look to you for support or encouragement.  However, it is important to remember that your own mental health is important too. Trauma is extremely painful and sometimes no matter what you do as a bystander, it can feel like not enough. At times like these, you may need to set boundaries to ensure that your needs are addressed as well.

Setting boundaries can be difficult, especially if you have not had much practice. First, think about what your needs and limits are. This can include the level of financial, emotional, and physical help you are willing to provide. When you are ready, share with your loved one in a calm situation, rather than in the heat of the moment. Use “I” statements to show your perspective. After you have communicated these boundaries, it is important to follow through and re-emphasize them when needed. Resist feelings of guilt. This does not mean you do not care about them.

You can also help by suggesting other means of support. Therapists or local crisis centers have experience working with people with trauma and are trained to help. You may also find these services helpful for your own processing. It is not uncommon for local crisis centers to  also offer services for loved ones of those who have experienced trauma.

Just because someone has experienced trauma, does not mean that they have a right to take their anger out on you. If you feel that you are being verbally, physically, or sexually harmed, set a limit if it feels safe, remove yourself from the situation, and seek help if you need it.

It can be difficult to help your friends if you run out of emotional or physical energy. Focusing on your own self-care is not selfish, it sometimes may be necessary. As the saying goes, put your mask on first...then offer assistance.

Question 10

I got assaulted, but I don’t really feel anything...is something wrong with me?

Accepted Answer

The short answer is...no not at all. It is quite common for survivors to feel emotionally detached or drained after experiencing an assault, perhaps even at times feeling unaware of what is happening around them. Survivors can also experience feelings of denial, disbelief, or numbness as a reaction to their assault experience. These reactions should never be confused with "not caring" or with the assault being “not serious.” These feelings are how our body is coping with our experience, protecting us from its intensity. The body’s reaction to stress in this way is often viewed as a survival strategy and can be useful when we have to take some action, such as getting out of a violent situation, weighing our options, or making an appointment with a professional.

It is important to note that numbness is not the only emotional shock reaction that you may exhibit. Other normal reactions include: crying uncontrollably, laughing nervously, extreme fatigue, or withdrawing. It is important to be prepared, however, that as you process your experience, the initial numbness may fade. If you would like company, surround yourself with trusted others. Or think about other strategies you can use that have helped in times of crisis in the past. No matter what you are feeling, recognize that these are normal reactions to trauma, and you do not need to face them all on your own.

Question 11

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for your question. If you have not experienced any form of gender-based harm, it might be hard to imagine why survivors who go through these horrific experiences do not always report them. Unfortunately, due to the characteristics of one's sexual harm experience, the lack of protection for survivors, and historical injustices within the criminal-legal system, gender-based violence is the most underreported crime. For example, it is estimated that 63% of sexual assaults are not reported to police and only 12% of child sexual abuse is reported to the authorities.

There are many reasons why survivors may feel hesitant to report their experience. We will list a few of these reasons below:

It is not safe for them to report the assault at this time or they fear perpetrator or family retaliation.
They want to put the incident behind them or forget it happened.
They aren’t sure that what happened meets the legal definition of sexual assault or rape.
They are in shock.
They feel shame or self-blame.
They fear not being believed or being socially isolated from friends or family
They fear being blamed.
They fear being revictimized by law enforcement or the court.
They fear that they will not receive justice.
They fear that their offender will not be held accountable.

Whatever the reason, and there are many more, remember that ultimately it is the survivor's choice whether or not they want to report their experience. For some, reporting is not necessary for their healing. Others just do not want to go through any additional trauma or heartache. Support and respect the choices the survivors in your life make related to reporting. This will make you a valuable ally as they navigate healing in the aftermath.

References

Rennison, C. A. (2002). Rape and sexual assault: Reporting to police and medical attention, 1992-2000 [NCJ 194530]. Retrieved from the U.S. Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, Bureau of Justice Statistics: http://bjs.ojp.usdoj.gov/content/pub/pdf/rsarp00.pdf

Hanson, R. F., Resnick, H. S., Saunders, B. E., Kilpatrick, D. G., & Best, C. (1999). Factors related to the reporting of childhood rape. Child Abuse and Neglect, 23,559–569. doi:10.1016/S0145-2134(99)00028-9

Question 12

My girlfriend told me that before she was with me, she was sexually assaulted. How can I help her?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for this question. We really appreciate you reaching out to find out how to best support the healing of your girlfriend. When your girlfriend shared her experience of sexual assault with you, she placed a great deal of trust in you. It's important to approach the situation with empathy, patience, and understanding.

To start, be sure to listen without judgment when she talks about her assault. If she wants to talk about it more with you, listen actively and avoid asking probing questions or pushing for details she's not ready to share. Let her know you believe her and that the assault was not her fault.

Additionally, it is important to respect her boundaries. She may have triggers or certain situations that make her uncomfortable. Be understanding and follow her lead in terms of physical intimacy and emotional discussions.

If it seems like she is actively struggling mentally or emotionally related to this experience, you may want to gently suggest the idea of seeking help from a therapist or counselor who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. You might even offer to help her find resources or even accompany her to appointments if she wants. If she is not ready yet for external resources, respect her autonomy and let her know you are always ready to revisit the conversation if she changes her mind. Healing from sexual assault is a process that looks different for everyone. Avoid pressuring her to "move on" or heal faster than she is ready for.

Finally, it is also important that you take care of yourself throughout this process. Supporting a loved one through trauma can be emotionally challenging as you may have to manage your own emotions related to the situation. Remember, your role is to be a steady, compassionate presence in her life. Let her know you are there for her whenever she needs you, but also give her space when she requests it. Remind her of her strength and resilience. Your care and understanding can make a significant difference in her healing journey.

Thank you for this question that I am sure many others have. You are not alone.

Question 13

How do I understand why something triggers me?

Accepted Answer

Highly emotional & stressful experiences “trigger” a part of the brain called the amygdala. Usually, the amygdala is helpful and works to keep us safe from dangerous situations by activating a fear response.

After a traumatic experience, the amygdala can become overactive, causing fear responses even if you are not in any danger. Your reaction may be to fight, flee, or freeze, interfering with daily tasks and functioning, even if you’re in a completely safe situation.

Sometimes triggers are more obvious—like seeing violence on a tv show or hearing about it on the news. It makes sense why watching or hearing something traumatic would bring up memories or feelings from your own trauma.

Other times, triggers can feel more subtle or hard to anticipate. They can include just about anything--from hearing a song, to hugging someone, to smelling something, to the way a piece of fabric or clothing feels, or even just going to a doctor’s appointment.

While triggers can feel isolating & scary, especially when they happen in public or around other people, know that you are not alone. Over two-thirds of survivors of sexual assault report experiencing triggers.

Over time you can identify the situations that might trigger you. Anticipating these situations and learning relaxation strategies can make it easier to cope with them. While it feels good to avoid triggers in the short-term, it’s not always possible to predict all potential triggers.

Experiencing a trigger in a safe situation that does not pose danger & coping with it, can help your amygdala re-learn that these cues aren’t actually signs of real danger. This process can help decrease the intensity & frequency of triggers over time.

Many survivors of trauma or viσlence will notice an improvement in post-traumatic symptoms naturally over time. For others, these symptoms might not improve on their own & can interfere with their daily lives.

If you notice that your triggers are affecting you & not improving, you might consider reaching out to your social network for support or consider seeking professional help to navigate recovery. You know yourself best & what type of support sounds right to you.

Question 14

What should I do if my partner pushes my boundaries in a way that makes me uncomfortable?

Accepted Answer

Healthy boundaries are an important part of any relationship—whether it’s romantic, platonic, or familial. As traμma survivors, boundaries are important to ensure we feel safe, secure, and able to put our well being first in relationships. This builds a strong foundation for healthy, mutually satisfying love going forward.

When a partner breaks your boundaries, it's common and understandable to feel hurt and betrayed. Consider using this situation, however, an opportunity to revisit a conversation about relationship norms.

To start, it can be helpful to communicate how you are feeling to your partner. This shares how their actions impacted you and why this boundary is important. You may also be able to better understand your partner’s intentions and feelings.

Was your partner aware of your boundary before crossing it? If your partner didn’t know, this can be a chance to clarify relationship expectations and needs. They may want to share their own boundaries too. Communication is key.

If your partner knew about your boundary, and chose to break it anyway—ask yourself why? Are they not respecting you and the limits you’ve established? Depending on the situation, this may be a red flag.

Some of your boundaries might be flexible, and you might feel comfortable adjusting them based on your partner’s needs. Other boundaries might be more rigid and set in stone—both types are important to have. You deserve to feel respected and heard in all of your relationships.

You are allowed to set limits and establish boundaries that protect you and that make you feel safe. You are allowed to expect people to respect those limits—as long as the boundaries don’t cause harm to someone else.

After experiencing abuse in a relationship, research shows that people tend to develop stricter boundaries with new partners. These boundaries typically become more flexible as trust, understanding, and mutual respect develops over time.

While it’s natural for our boundaries to evolve over time, ensuring we voice them is important to develop safety and security within a partnership.

Question 15

When I was young, another child touched me without my consent. Is this normal childhood behavior or am I overthinking my reaction to it?

Accepted Answer

Your feelings and concerns about this experience are completely valid and you're not overthinking anything. When we experience unwanted touch, even as children, our bodies and minds can hold onto those memories and the feelings they created. It's natural for you to wonder about what happened and to have questions about it now.

What you're describing falls into what experts call "problematic sexual behavior" between children. While some sexual curiosity and exploration is considered typical in childhood development, any touching that happened without your consent (regardless of the ages involved) was not okay. The fact that you remember feeling uncomfortable or that it was unwanted tells us something important about how it affected you.

Children who engage in problematic sexual behaviors are often acting out something they themselves have experienced or been exposed to. This doesn't excuse the behavior, but it helps us understand that both children in these situations may need support and healing. Neither child is typically considered "at fault" in the way we might think about adult behavior.

What matters most now is how this experience has affected you. Some people carry very little impact from childhood experiences like this, while others may notice effects on their relationships, body image, or feelings of safety. Both responses are normal. If you find that memories of this experience are causing you distress, affecting your daily life, or impacting your relationships, talking with a trauma-informed therapist can be incredibly helpful. They can help you process these memories and develop tools for healing.

Healing isn't about forgetting or minimizing what happened, it's about reclaiming your sense of safety and agency. You deserve support, understanding, and the space to work through whatever feelings arise about this experience. Your instincts about your own experiences are trustworthy, and seeking answers about something that doesn't feel right to you shows wisdom and self-care. Thank you for reaching out to us.

Question 16

When I was young, my younger sibling who was 6 at the time repeatedly engaged in sexual acts with me over the course of a week. I allowed it to happen because it felt good at the time and I didn't think it was wrong. Does this count as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us. What you've described is a complex and confusing situation that some children face, but aren't sure how to make sense of as adults. Developmentally, it's common for children, especially young ones, to explore their bodies and engage in sexual play with other children as part of learning about their bodies and sexuality. In this vein, some degree of exploratory play between siblings is also not unusual, particularly if there hasn't been a lot of education about boundaries. However, depending on the specific circumstances, duration, and aftermath of sibling sexual play, these experiences can sometimes fall into a complex area known as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA).

There are many reasons a young child might initiate sexual behavior. In some cases, it may be a sign that they themselves have experienced abuse and are acting out what was done to them. However, even children who have not been abused may engage in sexual behavior due to curiosity, lack of boundaries, imitating something they saw in media, seeking physical closeness, or simply discovering that touching certain body parts feels good. At 6 years old, your sibling likely did not fully grasp the implications of their actions or have any abusive intent.

However, this doesn't necessarily mean the experience was harmless for you. Even when the other child is quite young and the touch felt physically pleasurable, sibling sexual experiences can still feel violating or traumatic, especially from an adult perspective. If you're struggling with distress, shame, confusion or other difficult emotions related to this memory, your feelings are valid. The events may have impacted you in ways that are worth processing with a compassionate professional.

You might consider reaching out to a counselor who has experience helping adults work through confusing or distressing childhood sexual experiences. They can provide a safe, non-judgmental space for you to explore your memories and feelings. If you feel safe and comfortable, you could also consider discussing the situation with your sibling to get a sense of their perspective and experience. They may be struggling with their own conflicted feelings and memories. However, don't feel obligated to take this step if it doesn't feel right to you.

Most importantly, remember that you were a child dealing with a situation you should never have had to navigate alone. Practice self-compassion as you reflect on and work through this experience. What happened was not your fault. Reach out for further processing and help if you need it. Thank you again for trusting us with this experience.

Question 17

Can you recommend resources and books on healing from sexual abuse?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. There are several valuable books and resources available that can support your healing journey from sexual abuse. Some books we recommend include:

"The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel van der Kolk explores how trauma affects the brain and body, offering insights into treating traumatic stress and new paths to recovery. It provides a comprehensive look at the nature of trauma and its impact on our physical and mental well-being.

Judith Herman's "Trauma and Recovery" is a groundbreaking work that examines the healing process of survivors and the challenges faced by those dealing with prolonged, repeated trauma. It offers a framework for understanding trauma and a roadmap for recovery, making it a valuable resource for many survivors.

"The Courage to Heal" by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis is a comprehensive guide specifically for survivors of child sexual abuse and their loved ones. It provides practical tools, exercises, and personal testimonies to support the healing journey.

For those looking to understand the broader context of sexual violence and advocacy, Tarana Burke's "Unbound: My Story of Liberation and the Birth of the Me Too Movement" offers powerful insights. Burke shares her personal journey from victim to survivor to activist, detailing the origins of the Me Too movement and exploring the importance of community in addressing sexual violence.

Chanel Miller's memoir "Know My Name" also provides a searing, eloquent account of trauma, healing, and the challenges within the justice system in handling sexual assault cases. Miller reclaims her identity after being known as "Emily Doe" in a high-profile sexual assault case, offering a profound exploration of the recovery process.

In addition to these books, online resources like the RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) and me too's Survivor Sanctuary website offer extensive information, support, and access to hotlines (RAINN) for immediate help.

Thank you for asking this question. You are not alone.

Question 18

What is self-blame and how can I manage it?

Accepted Answer

Self-blame is a complicated feeling that often accompanies past abuse or trauma. Self-blame can be felt for a variety of reasons. For example, sometimes survivors feel that their behavior encouraged or caused harm to occur to them. Other times survivors may blame themselves for the trauma symptoms they carry afterwards or “not healing fast enough.”

While it is important to be responsible for our healing and hold ourselves accountable for our actions, recognize that no matter what you said or did, no one deserves to be violated. You are not to blame for your experiences. It is not your fault. Full stop.

Self-blame is a reflection of societal norms and the messages we internalize about gender and violence throughout our lives. We receive many messages that promote victim-blaming beliefs which can be reinforced by those around us. Self-blame is also affected by the way our friends and loved ones respond to our personal disclosures of trauma and in questions they ask.

Unlearning self-blame is a long and challenging process, as it’s embedded in so many parts of our daily lives. From the society we live in, to our social circles, to our own experiences. Just because you feel guilty does not mean that those feelings are accurate.

When you feel self-blame, ask yourself whether your feeling is actually appropriate. How would you respond to a friend if they blamed themselves for the same thing? Show the same kindness and understanding to yourself.

Sometimes it also helps to learn more about the societal norms that reinforce self-blame. Naming them and recognizing how they manifest in your world can give these messages less power.

Separate yourself as much as you can from individuals that perpetuate or reinforce the blame you feel. Oftentimes people who blame others are carrying their own internalized self-blame for something they experienced in their past.

Over 60% of survivors report feeling responsible in some way for the abuse they experienced. Know that you are not alone, but also know that you are never responsible for the harmful or abusive actions of another person. Protect your energy and prioritize healing—you deserve to feel peace. Be gentle with yourself.

Question 19

How can I deal with “bad days” when I am healing from trauma?

Accepted Answer

Healing from trauma is not a linear process, and it’s common and completely normal to have days that feel a lot worse than others. Having a bad day does not mean you are not improving. It does not mean that you are getting worse.

If you take a step back and think about where you were when you first began your healing process, it can help you see the larger picture and find the improvements you have made and the growth you’ve experienced.

Throughout recovery, it’s important to be kind to yourself. Some days will be easier than others and some days will be harder. You do not have to hold yourself to the same standards and expectations as your best day. It is okay to be gentle with yourself, to prioritize your mental well-being, and to take it easy—if you are able.

Try to engage in an activity that you enjoy or that has helped you feel better in the past when you’ve had a difficult day. This could be a calm or relaxing activity like reading a book or watching a tv show, it could also be an opportunity to express how you are feeling through art or writing.

If talking to other people is your preferred way to relax and feel better, reach out to a friend, partner, or someone who you trust. It is okay to reach out for help on a difficult day.

Even years into recovery, it’s normal to have a bad day pop up unexpectedly now and again. Sometimes a triggering experience can set off a bad day, but other times they just appear out of the blue.

However, the further you get into your recovery journey, the stronger you become at recognizing the signs that a difficult day is happening. You become more resilient and able to cope with the feelings and challenges that accompany a bad trauma day.

Question 20

How do I disclose my trauma to my friends and family?

Accepted Answer

It can feel really daunting to talk about your trauma history with those close to you. The first thing to remember is that your story is yours and yours alone. Whether you want to tell important people in your life immediately, much later, or not at all is your choice. If you’re feeling ready to tell someone about what happened, here are some things to think about.

What you share about your story is completely up to you. Even if the person you disclose to asks for details, it may just be because they do not know what to say and want to understand. Still, just because someone asks doesn’t mean you need to say more than you planned. Example wording to use could be “I wanted to tell you what happened to me but I don’t feel comfortable sharing any details right now.”

The way you choose to tell someone is also up to you. It can be in-person, over the phone, or in a letter. There are benefits and drawbacks to all options but only you know what will work for you. No matter how you choose to tell someone, it is a good idea to set some ground rules first.

If you choose to disclose in person, timing and location is important. You want to ensure the person can give you their full attention and have time to process afterwards. Thus, if the person is about to run out the door, go to sleep, or is intoxicated, consider waiting for a better time. If you feel safe with the person you are disclosing to, choose a private, quiet place to talk. If you fear they might become angry or violent, a public location may be safer and you might want to have support on standby.

You deserve to feel heard and understood when telling your story. However, not everyone responds well to disclosures and the conversation may not go the way you hope. The person you tell may feel many emotions. While this is normal, it can shift the conversation away from you and onto them. The person you disclose to might also express doubt or blame. This says more about them than you. Resist the urge to internalize these responses.

If someone in your life isn’t supportive, that doesn’t mean that others won’t be. Research shows finding at least one trusted support can really help the healing process. It is also important to note that even if the conversation does go well, it can still be an emotional experience. Thus it is important to take care of yourself afterwards no matter what the outcome.

There are many people out there who love and care about you. You are not alone. If you want to practice telling your story of trauma or healing anonymously, and learn from the disclosures of others, go to ourwave.org. We see you. We hear you. We believe you.

Welcome to Our Wave.

Questions & Answers

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Topics

Do you think what happened to me was abuse if I gave my consent and it was with someone my own age? To this day, I regret that experience.

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

I got assaulted, but I don’t really feel anything...is something wrong with me?

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

My girlfriend told me that before she was with me, she was sexually assaulted. How can I help her?

How do I understand why something triggers me?

What should I do if my partner pushes my boundaries in a way that makes me uncomfortable?

When I was young, another child touched me without my consent. Is this normal childhood behavior or am I overthinking my reaction to it?

When I was young, my younger sibling who was 6 at the time repeatedly engaged in sexual acts with me over the course of a week. I allowed it to happen because it felt good at the time and I didn't think it was wrong. Does this count as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)?

Can you recommend resources and books on healing from sexual abuse?

What is self-blame and how can I manage it?

How can I deal with “bad days” when I am healing from trauma?

How do I disclose my trauma to my friends and family?

Do you think what happened to me was abuse if I gave my consent and it was with someone my own age? To this day, I regret that experience.

I got assaulted, but I don’t really feel anything...is something wrong with me?

How do I understand why something triggers me?

When I was young, my younger sibling who was 6 at the time repeatedly engaged in sexual acts with me over the course of a week. I allowed it to happen because it felt good at the time and I didn't think it was wrong. Does this count as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)?

How can I deal with “bad days” when I am healing from trauma?

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

What should I do if my partner pushes my boundaries in a way that makes me uncomfortable?

Can you recommend resources and books on healing from sexual abuse?

How do I disclose my trauma to my friends and family?

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

My girlfriend told me that before she was with me, she was sexually assaulted. How can I help her?

When I was young, another child touched me without my consent. Is this normal childhood behavior or am I overthinking my reaction to it?

What is self-blame and how can I manage it?

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