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Answering your questions.

Here are some answers to questions we have received in the past from our survivor community. We hope these answers can help survivors, advocates, and the general public learn more about trauma and survivor healing.

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Making sense of childhood experiences
Understanding specific types of trauma and harm
Making sense of adult experiences
Managing emotions and how you feel in your body
Seeking help after trauma
Understanding and embracing healing
Meaning Making
How to support survivors and be an ally
Understanding Trauma & Violence
Sharing your story with others
Sex, sexuality, and intimacy after trauma
Navigating relationships after trauma
Managing Trauma Impact
Seeking Help After Trauma
Sharing Your Story
Making sense of childhood experiences
Seeking help after trauma

My therapist made comments suggesting women who freeze during assault 'wanted it' or are 'dirty,' though she backtracked saying my situation as a teenager was different. I've been afraid to share details about my abuse beyond the minimum, and now I'm even more scared. I don't want to continue therapy, but my mom already paid for the sessions, and I don't know how to address this with either of them. Should I just ignore these comments since they weren't directly about my situation?

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Making sense of childhood experiences

When I was younger, I was physically restrained by my brother and a female friend while a male friend kissed me. I had a crush on this boy, which is why they did it, but I told them to stop. I literally had to be restrained because I was struggling. Is this COCSA or just 'boys being boys'?

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Making sense of childhood experiences

At my first school after COVID in seventh grade, I noticed something that made me uncomfortable. On the first day, a teacher massaged a student's shoulders while asking about his summer, though he hadn't mentioned any pain. This seemed weird to me as a new student. I've since remembered that this teacher was often physical with students, though not in sexual ways. What might this behavior mean, and how should I understand what I observed?

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Making sense of childhood experiences
Understanding and embracing healing

When I was very young (still in diapers), my older cousin sexually abused me. To my knowledge, she hadn't experienced sexual abuse herself or been exposed to pornography or other factors that might explain this behavior. Can you help me understand why she may have done this and offer guidance on how I might process and move on from this experience?

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Making sense of childhood experiences

When I was young, I had unrestricted internet access and came across animated pornography of cartoon characters. At school, I would discuss this with a classmate of the same age who also seemed to have come across videos like this. I don't remember us using explicit language when discussing it, just asking if we saw this video with this character in it, and laughing about it sometimes. I don't really know why we laughed about it. We never showed each other videos, nor did we do anything else that could be considered inappropriate, but I still feel a bit guilty about talking about these things with my classmate, even if the conversation was mutual. Am I right to feel guilty about this?

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How to support survivors and be an ally

How can I best support my friend who was sexually assaulted on our college campus? It's especially concerning because the person who committed the assault appears to be a repeat offender. This person wants to become a doctor, and it's scary to think they might not be held accountable for their actions, similar to recent cases in the medical field. I'm devastated for my friend and don't know how to help.

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Making sense of childhood experiences

I need clarity about childhood sexual behaviors that I now feel guilty about. When I was 10-11, my younger brother was 6-7 years old. After being exposed to pornography around that time, I engaged in inappropriate sexual behaviors with my brother including oral contact and attempted anal contact. This happened a few times before stopping. Later, around age 12, I also engaged in sexual experimentation with my cousin of similar age. When I was 18, I remembered these events and felt deep shame. I spoke with my brother about it when he was 14, and he told me it was okay. Recently, I've been thinking about it again and feeling like I committed child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA). Should I talk to my brother about it again? We have a good relationship now, and I didn't force or threaten him, but I feel remorseful and ashamed. How can I process these feelings?

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Making sense of childhood experiences
Sex, sexuality, and intimacy after trauma

I'm confused about some of my brother's behavior during childhood and adolescence and whether it could explain my current intimacy issues. I'm 30F and have struggled with intimacy throughout my life. While I enjoy kissing and cuddling, I completely freeze up as soon as it goes further and just want it to be over. When I was 7 and my brother was 10, he showed me how to pleasure himself and made me do it. A few years later when he was 14-15, he would occasionally come into my room at night after drinking and watch me while I pretended to sleep. Sometimes he touched me between my legs, and I would move as if I was rolling over in my sleep, causing him to leave. This continued for a few months until he stopped. We now have a close relationship. Could these experiences be causing my difficulty with intimacy? I can't find another explanation, and it's becoming a real hurdle for me.

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Making sense of childhood experiences

I think I'm a victim of COCSA (Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse), but I'm not sure. The whole thing is sort of a blur and I only remembered it last year. It happened in second grade at a sleepover with my friend who was about a year older than me. We were really into role-playing, and they asked me to do a different kind of role-play - sex. I'm not sure if I knew what it was; I had a rough idea but didn't really know. But they did know. They took me under the covers of my bed and touched me (not penetration), and made me touch them back, which was the part I didn't like. But I had a crush on them, so I'm confused if that counts as abuse. The whole situation was weird, and I'm scared because I don't want to call it something that it's not. (They also introduced me to different forms of porn.)

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Making sense of adult experiences

My ex-boyfriend expressed having a 'rape kink' and would sometimes refuse to leave my house. There were several concerning incidents: he once picked me up and threw me onto my bed, another time he pushed me face down onto my mattress and briefly put his hands on my neck. He also sometimes continued with physical contact (kissing, touching my breasts) after I said no. I never yelled or physically fought back during the more intimidating incidents. I'm having trouble classifying these experiences and feel guilty for not responding differently. I still feel bothered by these events months later but worry about sharing them with others in case they sound trivial. How should I understand what happened to me?

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Making sense of childhood experiences

In 7th grade, my friend rubbed my thigh during class. It was a disturbing experience, and when I asked him to stop, he wouldn't. He was my first friend that I made, and I didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable so I let him until I felt physically sick, when I stood up from my chair and stepped away. Afterward, he falsely suggested I had been assaulted by a family member and seemed to be trying to convince me this had happened. I started distancing myself after this. Was what he did considered assault since he only touched my outer thigh?

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Making sense of adult experiences

I need to know if what happened was assault. A guy kissed me one day and after that, I told him I did not like him. A couple days later I let him crash at my place because he had nowhere to go. He said he would sleep on the floor, which I was okay with, so I got him a blanket and pillows then went to bed. While I was half awake, he came to my bed, cuddled me, and kissed me on the neck and forehead. Then he kissed me on the lips. I was freaked out because I didn't know what to do. I told him I had already told him I didn't want this, and he said 'Yeah I know, but you're so nice to be around' and proceeded to kiss me again while I was not kissing him back. Was this assault if I didn't explicitly tell him no in the moment, even though I had previously told him I wasn't interested and didn't respond to his advances?

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Sex, sexuality, and intimacy after trauma

Can digital (finger) penetration be considered oral? Or is that not accurate terminology?

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Making sense of childhood experiences
Sex, sexuality, and intimacy after trauma

When I was 6, I was bribed into performing an unwanted sexual act with a boy by his older sister. They seemed to know what they were doing, as they were smirking throughout and never gave me the promised bribe, instead finding amusement in my disappointment. I cannot remember the full details of what happened, just before and after. What's bothering me is that I agreed to it because of the bribe, while my younger sister was able to refuse. Can it still be considered sexual abuse if I went along with it? I feel this childhood experience may be affecting my adult intimacy issues, including vaginismus. Could these problems possibly be connected to this childhood event?

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Making sense of childhood experiences
Sex, sexuality, and intimacy after trauma

When I was young, my older female cousin made me preform oral on her. At the time I didn't know it was inappropriate, and I was curious about it. I even asked to 'play' again later. As an adult, I realized it was sexual assault and feel deep shame, particularly because part of me didn't hate the experience. This has been difficult to process. Is this normal? Additionally, now that I'm married, sometimes during sexual activities my body gets a strange feeling at a certain point that makes me want to stop immediately, even if I was enjoying it before. What might be happening?

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Making sense of childhood experiences

I've always had the memory of my sisters having me "breastfeed" when I was younger. I wasn't sure if it was real or something I had imagined. About a year ago, one of my sisters mentioned it while talking with my mom and me about our other sister, and I realized it had actually happened. She didn't admit to doing it herself, but I remember it happening. I was around 6, and they were 10 and 6 years older than me. I don't know what this would be considered or if it counts as COCSA (Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse). The memory has always crept up on me randomly, and I just wish I could forget it. How should I understand this experience?

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Making sense of childhood experiences

At a sleepover when I was 8, the 10-year-old host found an adult video. After I fell asleep, the host later told me that she and another girl had touched me inappropriately while I was sleeping mimicking what they saw in the video. I don't remember this happening, but the comment "You made some funny noises" still haunts me. I've struggled with body shame for almost two decades (I'm 27 now). I'm hesitant to call this sexual assault or COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse). Is what happened to me considered COCSA even though I don't remember the actual incident?

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Making sense of childhood experiences

I hope this is an alright place to ask this. My question involves childhood sexual behaviors and intrusive thoughts. As a little kid, I would touch myself through my clothes, not for completion but because it felt good, similar to stretching. During childhood story games with my sister (who is about a year and a half younger), I would sometimes touch myself while we played these games, which weren't inherently sexual. She seemed annoyed but not upset by the stories. This happened only a handful of times that I can remember. Once when I was around 10-12, she teased me about it, which made me feel horrible and ashamed, so I started doing it privately instead. As adults, she mentioned it as a silly story and seemed confused when I apologized and felt bad. I have OCD and can't stop feeling like a monster about this. Am I a horrible person, and what should I do?

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Making sense of childhood experiences

Back when I was 11-12 years old in sixth grade, I remember hanging out with older eighth grade boys who talked about sex and porn frequently, asking me sexual questions and making sexual comments about me. Nothing physical happened, but there was a looming idea of them potentially having sex with me (which never occurred). I had no proper sex education since we attended a Catholic school, and my only exposure to sex was through pornography. Being into anime and desensitized by certain types of cartoon porn made me think minor/adult relations were acceptable. The boys knew more about sex than I did. My sister thinks it was child-on-child sexual harassment rather than abuse since nothing physical happened. Does what I experienced constitute sexual harassment, grooming, or abuse?

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Making sense of childhood experiences

When I was 9, my friend introduced me to sexual touching through a 'doctor' game where we would touch each other's genitals. I had a limited understanding of what sex was at that age. Later, I suggested playing the same game with my younger brothers who were around 7 years old. I initiated inappropriate touching that lasted briefly, and told them not to tell our mother, which indicates I knew it was wrong. I forgot about this incident until recently, and now I feel overwhelming guilt. I don't understand how I didn't realize this could be harmful to them, and I'm ashamed that I prioritized my curiosity over their wellbeing. I believe this was abusive because I wanted some form of gratification. What is the suggested advice moving forward and how should I proceed?

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Making sense of childhood experiences

I experienced sexual contact with my older female cousin when I was between 7-10 years old. She instructed me to perform oral sex on her. My mom suspected something and asked if anything happened, but I denied it because I didn't feel violated at the time (I might have even enjoyed it) and was afraid of getting in trouble. I suppressed this memory until adulthood when I realized what happened. Now I feel intense shame and embarrassment. Is it normal to feel this way?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

When I was pretty drunk at a university drinking party, I met a male senior in front of the restroom and he pulled me in with him. Even if I remember, it's hard to get along with him, so I've forgotten, but I think he touched me in various ways. I think he was just messing around, but I keep thinking about what would have happened if [name] hadn't come and teased me. I avoid passing by that store in [place name]. Is what happened to me sexual violence, and is it traumatic for me? What should I do?

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Seeking help after trauma

Is there any one-on-one support or group of survivors available to speak with? I have been searching for so long to speak to someone about my experience.

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Seeking Help After Trauma

I've experienced grooming and abuse online since I was young. At 17, I met up with a 42-year-old counselor and had a sexual encounter with him. I feel conflicted because part of me wanted it, but I also felt uncomfortable and confused. After he left, I missed him intensely, developed a porn addiction, and consumed problematic fictional content that now haunts me. Does this make me a bad person? How do I heal from these experiences even though I've already recognized they were harmful and stopped months ago? I recently turned 18 and struggle with intrusive thoughts related to the abuse.

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Understanding Trauma & Violence
Meaning Making

I have memories from early childhood (around 3-4 years old) of my older sister initiating sexual contact with me. She asked me to perform oral acts on her, would kiss me unexpectedly, showed me explicit movies she found, and I thought this was normal. I had similar experiences with other children at parties where they would kiss me or engage in inappropriate touching. As an adult, I struggle with consenting to sexual acts I don't want to do just to please others. My sister recently apologized for kissing me as a child, but I don't think she remembers the more sexual aspects. How do I process these childhood experiences and their impact on my adult relationships?

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Sharing Your Story

My memories of what happened are somewhat out of order. When I was around 11-12 years old, an incident occurred with a girl who was a year younger than me. I reluctantly agreed at first to kissing her in a bathtub, but then it escalated beyond kissing and moved to the couch. At that point, I made it clear I was uncomfortable, but she didn't listen. Her mother never touched me sexually but was also very inappropriate towards me. What would this experience be categorized as? I feel dramatic calling it COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) or sexual abuse, but I'm not sure how to understand what happened.

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Meaning Making

I'm unsure if I experienced COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) when I was younger. I'm 25 now but only remembered these experiences a few years ago. When I was between 8-11, I had a neighbor friend who was a year younger but physically much taller than me. When I visited his house, he would repeatedly ask to see and touch my private parts. I always felt reluctant and uncomfortable, but felt intimidated by his size. He would pressure me until I gave in. He only ever used his hands, and I don't think there was penetration. Is this considered COCSA even though he was younger than me? The fact that it took me over a decade to remember these experiences and that I've never told anyone makes it feel unreal.

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Meaning Making

I recently unlocked a memory that is very disturbing to me and I feel guilty. When I was younger, my brother (who is 4 years younger) and I had an incident while watching TV where he was massaging my back and touched my chest a couple times that we both treated as 'accidental' at the time. We stopped, agreed we shouldn't continue, and I forgot about it for years. I also remember a separate incident when I was 9 where I would squeeze his backside despite him asking me to stop, until my mom intervened. I'm now 21F with a good relationship with my brother, but I worry I might have traumatized him. Am I responsible for sexual abuse? Should I be concerned about these childhood interactions?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

As a child from ages 5-10, I was regularly sexually assaulted by my older cousin who was about 7+ years older. I never told anyone. Years later, I remembered instances where I showed my private parts to my younger siblings. They expressed discomfort and I respected their boundaries, though my cousin never respected mine. Nothing physical happened with my siblings, but I feel immense guilt. I worry what I did was sexual assault, though I hope I'm wrong. I don't want to be a bad person. I love my siblings deeply and never wanted an inappropriate relationship with them. We've never discussed this, and I've told no one. What should I do?

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Meaning Making

I've been struggling with a situation that happened during a sleepover with a close friend months ago. We had been drinking heavily, and I blacked out, remembering only fragments. My friend later told me we were discussing sexual experiences and recreating poses. She described a sexual encounter where I touched her intimately while appearing to be in a "trance-like" state and not responding to her questions. Afterward, I was emotionally distraught, crying while she tried to minimize what happened saying things like "it wasn't even bad" and "it only lasted like 8 minutes." I've been having flashbacks and feel disgusting about this experience. Was this sexual assault, and how can I cope with these feelings?

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Meaning Making

When my sister and I were young (ages 5 and 7), we found explicit content on our father's computer. This eventually led to inappropriate touching between us. This is extremely distressing for me to think about, and I don't know how to understand it. I'm confused about how to navigate these memories and believe it may have contributed to my hypersexuality. Is what happened considered assault or COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse)? I read that COCSA requires a power imbalance. I didn't know it was wrong at the time, and neither did she, but it feels so wrong and makes me sob when I think about it. How can I process these experiences?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I had an incident when I was 11 where I kissed my cousin's child (who was younger than me) on the lips once when we were alone on the stairs. Now that I'm an adult, I feel extremely guilty about this childhood interaction and worry I did something inappropriate or traumatic to them. Could this one kiss be considered child sexual abuse? I want to move past this heavy guilt that haunts me.

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Meaning Making

I want to know if I committed child-on-child sexual harm. When I was 5-7 years old, my older cousin sexually touched me multiple times. During a game of truth or dare, my sister dared me to kiss my cousin, which I did, then felt upset and cried. Later, when I was about 6, I kissed my younger cousin (about 4) and showed her something inappropriate my older sister had taught me. We're still close now. Am I in the wrong, and how should I address this even though she's still young?

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I recently remembered a childhood experience where a friend (who was about a year older than me) made me show her my private parts whenever I visited her house. I was around 6-7 years old at the time. I remember feeling more reluctant about this than she was. Would this experience classify as COCSA (Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse)? I recently learned this term and was wondering if it applies to my situation.

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

I'm struggling with whether what I experienced was grooming. My teacher and I had a sexual relationship when I was a teenager and he was 25. Was it just an age gap with a power imbalance or did he actually groom me for that relationship? From what I've researched, some grooming behaviors seem similar to typical dating behaviors (such as desensitization to touch, giving gifts, etc.). I've had many people assume I was groomed without hearing details about what happened, but some people have also blamed me, which leaves me confused.

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Understanding Trauma & Violence

If someone who was drunk kissed someone who was sober/tipsy, would that be considered sexual assault? If so, who would be held accountable - the person who was drunk or the person who was sober/tipsy?

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Seeking Help After Trauma
Meaning Making

I was sexually abused by an older cousin when I was around 9-11 years old. During this same period, I engaged in similar behaviors with my younger sister. The details of this time are hazy in my memory. I once asked my sister if our cousin had abused her too, and she said she didn't remember anything like that. I have no access to professional help and don't know how to navigate this situation. I've struggled with shame and worthlessness my whole life. I know I need to take responsibility for harming my sister, but I'm afraid talking to her about it will ruin our relationship. Recently, child abuse was discussed in our circle, and I felt that she remembers what happened. I think she's avoiding me now. How do I handle this without access to professional resources?

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Seeking Help After Trauma

I believe I was sexually assaulted by my stepbrother when I was in 3rd grade. Recently, repressed memories have resurfaced now that I'm in my first steady relationship. During that time, I suddenly had behavioral changes - I struggled in school, wet the bed, and demanded to stop seeing my father. My mom thinks I should take action even though I'm not 100% certain about what happened. My therapist and psychiatrist know about these memories but haven't offered clear guidance. Though things improved when I put it aside, these thoughts keep returning. What options do I have for addressing trauma that may have happened almost 20 years ago?

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Meaning Making

A year ago, a man followed me home despite my protests. I was too afraid to stop him. When we got to my door, he grabbed my shoulders, looked around to ensure no one was nearby, and kissed my neck. I felt violated but also feel guilty. Should this be classified as sexual assault even though he didn't touch me in private areas? How long does it take to process these feelings? I still cry about it even though I feel I should be over it by now.

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Meaning Making

I've been researching about grooming lately because I learned that some relatives in my family got together when one was 17 and the other in their early 20s. For example, my aunt met her first husband when she was 17 and he was 22-23, and they had a son together. This has been bothering me because it involves people I care about who helped raise me. Are relationships automatically considered grooming based solely on age differences, or are there other factors involved? Is there a gray area? I don't feel comfortable discussing this with friends and feel like I'm hiding a terrible secret. It's been troubling me for months, and I'm unsure how to process these feelings.

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