#1259

I met him when I was 14 he was 19. My mom introduced us. He did things for me no one had ever done before so I thought he loved me. We were still together when I was 16 and that’s when I had sex with him for the first time. It felt really uncomfortable and I didn’t like it. He was upset but it was really fast and had no meaning to it. For my first time it was a terrible experience. I had been SA’d as a child so now it makes sense why it was uncomfortable back then it did not. We got married when I was 17, it wasn’t until we were married he became physically abusive. He was abusive before it was emotional something I knew nothing about. I was 18 and we were married with one child we had just moved and we were sleeping on the floor. He worked 2nd shift and I wasn’t feeling good and he wanted to have sex I didn’t not. He told me if I didn’t he was going to rape me. I can remember small pieces but mostly the after not the during. I had on a white shirt with a few buttons towards the top it was v neck with lace and red roses. He ripped the shirt. I remember him putting on his belt after and leaving and I got up and was standing in the mirror no pants on just staring at myself. It was a long mirror on the closet door. When it comes to mind it’s like I stood there forever as if I’m still standing there and never left. After that anytime he’d ask for sex I’d give in a “let him” for 25 years this happened. Mostly I’d try and fight him off but I’d give up and was thinking I wanted it only understanding today I was in fight then freeze mode I was appeasing him whatever I needed to do so he’d never rape me again. I also thought I let me but I suppose the idea of him raping me sounded worse than just “letting him” do it. I didn’t want to be raped but I was over and over again for a really long time and the more I fought him the worse he’d be to me. Sometimes instead of physical abuse he’d use hurtful words I had once told him how someone saying mean things to me hurt more than hitting me. I only remembered this yesterday. I’m going thru a divorce with him and the lawyer said the judge might say I lived with him and went back and yes I did and I thought but how do you argue I didn’t want to be there the entire even though I was. Then today I realized I was surviving and the more I fought him the more he hurt me so I’d stop fighting when it got to be too much and I shutdown. My memory is slowly coming back and I’ve learned it’s possible to rewire your brain but it’s really hard. I had no control but as long as I agreed I gained some control over not being raped again.