Managing emotions and how you feel in your body

It is not uncommon for survivors to experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, including sexual arousal. This can be especially distressing for individuals who may feel guilty or ashamed for feeling aroused in response to a traumatic event.

Thank you so much for trusting us with this extremely difficult question. Please know you are not alone and this does not invalidate the trauma you experienced. Arousal during sexual assault is a possible, but involuntary physiological response that does not imply consent or enjoyment. Resist the feelings of shame and self-blame that you are feeling. It is not your fault and your experiences are valid.

Highly emotional & stressful experiences “trigger” a part of the brain called the amygdala. Usually, the amygdala is helpful and works to keep us safe from dangerous situations by activating a fear response.  After a ​traumatic experience, the amygdala can become overactive, causing fear responses even if you are not in any danger. Your reaction may be to fight, flee, or freeze, interfering with daily tasks and functioning, even if you’re in a completely safe situation. 

Healing from trauma is not a linear process, and it’s common and completely normal to have days that feel a lot worse than others. Having a bad day does not mean you are not improving. It does not mean that you are getting worse.  If you take a step back and think about where you were when you first began your healing process, it can help you see the larger picture and find the improvements you have made and the growth you’ve experienced.

The short answer is...no not at all. It is quite common for survivors to feel emotionally detached or drained after experiencing an assault, perhaps even at times feeling unaware of what is happening around them. Survivors can also experience feelings of denial, disbelief, or numbness as a reaction to their assault experience. These reactions should never be confused with "not caring" or with the assault being “not serious.” These feelings are how our body is coping with our experience, protecting us from its intensity. The body’s reaction to...

Thank you for this question. I want to start by acknowledging your strength and courage in reaching out for support. Dealing with the aftermath of sexual violence is incredibly difficult, and the feelings of guilt you're experiencing are a common and valid response to trauma and the decisions survivors often need to make in the aftermath. Please know that the guilt is not yours to carry - the responsibility lies solely with the person who harmed you.

Thank you so much for trusting us with this question. To start, you are not alone. It is quite common for individuals who are processing childhood trauma to feel guilt, shame, and confusion. It is also common for survivors to not want to believe what happened to them was real, or for them to have memory gaps surrounding certain details of these events. Only you know what you have experienced, but here are some of our thoughts below. 

Self-blame is a complicated feeling that often accompanies past abuse or trauma. Self-blame can be felt for a variety of reasons. For example, sometimes survivors feel that their behavior encouraged or caused harm to occur to them. Other times survivors may blame themselves for the trauma symptoms they carry afterwards or “not healing fast enough.” 

Recovering from the expungement of charges against your rapist can be a difficult and painful process. First, we want to acknowledge and validate whatever feelings you may be having at this time. It is normal to feel a wide range of emotions when you are processing something as difficult as you are experiencing, including anger, betrayal, and despair. What happened to you was not fair.

I am so sorry you are still feeling lingering sensations related to the harm you experienced. It is understandable that you want the uncomfortable sensations and memories of being touched to go away. Unwanted sexual experiences can leave a person feeling very distressed, and it's common for survivors to feel like they can still feel sensations even after the abuse has ended. Know that these feelings can fade with time, but we will discuss a couple strategies and coping techniques that may help.

First, let me tell you that feeling anger towards someone who has hurt you is a very natural and valid reaction. There is no need to blame yourself or feel ashamed of your feelings, thinking, "I shouldn't be feeling this way" or "I should forgive the other person." The fact that you feel anger speaks to the fact that you have been hurt. Sometimes, anger can come over you in waves so strong that it's hard to process. Anger is a natural response to injustice and unfairness, especially when your important boundaries and dignity are violated. If y...

I am so sorry you are feeing nausea that won't subside after your assault. While this is a common and understandable physicological response to trauma, hat sounds extremely uncomfortable.  When you go through a traumatic event like an assault, your body's stress response system is activated, triggering the release of stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline. This is part of the "fight, flight, or freeze" response, an instinctive reaction to perceived threats. These hormones can affect various bodily functions, including your digest...

Most people experience some form of emotional or cognitive symptoms after trauma. But, just because it’s common doesn’t mean that it’s always easy to cope with.  Some common emotional effects of trauma are fear, numbness or detachment, heightened emotional reactivity, depression, guilt, and irritability. Some common cognitive effects include difficulties concentrating or remembering things, nightmares, disorientation, or intrusive thoughts. 

When you experience something traumatic, your body temporarily goes into “fight or flight mode,” meaning that it is adapting to stressful stimuli and going into survival mode to protect itself. Unfortunately, sometimes even when the threat has passed, particularly when it was chronic or repeated, your body can become stuck in that state of high alert.

Thank you so much for this question. After we experience trauma and violence, we may experience a multitude of feelings, many of which can involve anger or frustration. We may feel angry that this happened to us. That life is not fair and that the world is not safe. We also may feel angry at our perpetrator or at people or systems in our lives that did not support us the way we deserve. Know that experiencing anger is healthy, normal, and okay. You are allowed to be angry. What you do with that anger, however, is something that you can learn t...

Thank you so much for trusting us with this and I am so sorry this happened to you. What you're feeling right now makes complete sense, and it's important to honor that your nervous system is responding to something that feels confusing and distressing. Memory gaps are particularly disorienting because they leave you without a full picture of what happened, and that uncertainty on its own can be really difficult to sit with. You don't have to have all the answers about what occurred in order for your feelings to be valid.

Thank you for sharing this experience with us. It's very common to stay in an unhealthy or abusive relationship out of fear of being alone or not finding love again. However, it's important to recognize that this fear is not based in truth, and that you deserve so much better.

Thank you for this question. When a person is assaulted, they may experience a variety of emotions in the aftermath, some of which may include feelings of attachment or longing towards the person who caused them harm. These feelings can be confusing and distressing, but it's important to remember that they do not diminish the seriousness of the assault you experienced. 

First of all, talking about self-injury is really hard, so thank you for asking this question. We have asked our favorite psychiatrist to help answer this. We promise you, tons of other people are wondering the same thing. We believe in honest conversations about uncomfortable topics, ​but sometimes talking about self-injury can be triggering. If now is not a good time, bookmark this post for later. If you need help, The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available 24/7 at 800-273-8255.

Thank you for reaching out to us with such deeply personal feelings. I want to start by saying that it takes immense strength to name the pain you're carrying, and I'm honored that you've trusted us with your story. What you're experiencing--all of it--makes complete sense, and you are not alone in feeling this way.

Thank you for reaching out to us. I understand how frightening and overwhelming your situation feels right now. It's completely natural to experience anxiety and fear after being harmed, and your desire to stay home where you feel safe is a normal response to trauma. However, it's important to remember that you have the strength within you to overcome these feelings and reclaim a sense of freedom in your life.

Thank you for opening up about these feelings of guilt. It's important for you to know that struggling to trust loved ones after experiencing trauma is a completely normal and understandable response. Your mind is trying to protect you, and while it may feel frustrating or isolating at times, it's not a reflection of your worth or your care for those around you.

Thank you so much for sharing this experience. It must be extremely challenging to navigate all of these emotions and symptoms. Take a deep breath. You are not alone and we are here for you. Before we answer this question, below is a simple grounding exercise you can try to return to your breath and get you back into your body.

First and foremost, I want to assure you that you are not broken. Your experiences and feelings, while distressing to you, are actually quite common among survivors of childhood sexual abuse and grooming. What you're describing is a complex response to trauma that many survivors grapple with.

Thank you for this question. This is a difficult and painful topic to discuss, but it is an extremely common sentiment that people have after experiencing assault or abuse. If you experienced assault or abuse and are feeling this way, you are not alone. Many survivors struggle with these feelings of being "dirty" or disgusted with themselves, and there are several reasons why this happens.

We received many questions about trauma processing and identity. Let’s talk about this in two parts with the help of a PhD prepared mental health nurse and sexual assault nurse examiner from @ourwavestories. We will start with talking about coming to terms with trauma as it relates to our identity, and then we will talk about integrating it into our identity.

Thank you for sharing your story and reaching out for help. What you experienced was a complex and challenging situation, and it's understandable that you have mixed feelings and concerns. First, it's important to recognize that as an 8-year-old child, you were not responsible for what happened. Your older cousin, who was also a child at the time, engaged in inappropriate behavior and convinced you to participate. While you may feel guilty about what transpired with your younger cousin, it's crucial to remember that you were also a victim in t...

Thank you so much for sharing this with us. I can imagine this is extremely distressing and personal for you, so we appreciate your trust. Know that other survivors may be silently suffering under similar circustances. You asking this question may help others as well.

Thank you for sharing your experiences with such courage and honesty. What you're describing sounds incredibly challenging and overwhelming. I want you to know that your feelings and reactions are valid, regardless of whether you have clear memories of a specific event.

Thank you for asking this question. It's common for people who experience sexual assault to experience changes in their traumatic memories over time. While some of that may be related to the passing of time generally, memories of traumatic events specifically can be especially fragmented, disjointed, or difficult to recall in the future. For some survivors, memories may become more vivid over time. For others, their memories might become more fuzzy or distant. Both are equally valid responses to traumatic events.

Thank you for asking this. Physical arousal during trauma processing is a common and normal physiological response that many survivors experience, though it can feel deeply confusing and distressing. Our bodies can react to traumatic memories in complex ways, even when the experiences are painful or go against our sexual orientation. These responses occur because our nervous system remembers and can react to any type of touch or sexual content, whether wanted or unwanted.

I hear the pain in your words, and I want you to know that your struggle with these feelings is so deeply understandable. The weight you are carrying around purity and worth is something many survivors experience, especially when faith is such an important part of who you are. Your heart is trying to make sense of something that was never meant to happen to you, and that process can feel overwhelming and confusing.

Many times after a traumatic event, our brains can feel disorganized and chaotic. "Am I remembering it wrong?" "Maybe it didn't happen like that." "Did I make that part up?" These questions are not uncommon to have. Sometimes, your brain can evoke a defense mechanism which represses your memory of the trauma, or perhaps due to the stress of the moment, you may only remember very specific details of your experience. Trauma memories are often not as coherent as regular ones. You may remember something specific like a smell, a sensation, or feeli...

Thank you for asking this question and we are sorry you are dealing with so much discomfort and confusion. Those are some really challenging feelings to work through, but you are not alone.  We want to start by saying that it is perfectly normal to feel discomfort and confusion after experiencing sexual violence. These feelings do not need to last forever, however, and will decrease over time.

Thank you so much for asking this question. Gosh, this is a tough one and there are no right or wrong answers related to what you should do in this situation. When abuse is kept secret within a family, the weight of unspoken pain can be overwhelming. Sharing your story is a courageous act, but does not come without its risks. Ultimately your story is yours and yours alone. Who you choose to tell is entirely up to you, but you unfortunately cannot control how the person you tell will react and what subsequent behavior they might display towards...

Thank you so much for asking this. I'm sure the flood of these memories can be disorienting, frightening, and isolating for you. What you're experiencing is indeed normal and common for survivors beginning trauma therapy. The flood of memories you're encountering is a typical response as your brain starts to unpack experiences it had previously tucked away for your protection. The sensory nature of these memories - smells, sounds, tastes, images - is very common, especially for childhood experiences, as our senses are deeply connected to memor...

The trauma from previous experiences can make it extremely difficult to enter new relationships or to connect with someone new. It is not easy to be in a "functional" relationship when your trust has been broken or abused in the past. When you are healing from trauma, honor your feelings. It is okay to slowly build trust and have the people in your life earn it. Be kind and patient with yourself. 

Thank you for trusting us with this situation. Your concerns about potentially encountering someone who previously attempted to sexually assault you near your new law school are completely valid. Many survivors experience similar anxiety when faced with the possibility of crossing paths with someone who violated their boundaries or safety. This reaction is a normal response from your body's protective system, not an overreaction.

There is nothing wrong with you for still feeling this way. The disgust you're feeling is not about who you are...it's about what was done to you. But trauma has a cruel way of turning that outward violation inward, making you feel like the wrongness lives inside your body rather than in the actions of the person who harmed you.

Thank you for reaching out and for sharing your preferences with us. It's very common and understandable to look for additional strategies to manage flashbacks beyond talking, especially to complement the practice of pausing and letting feelings pass. Actively engaging in certain practices can indeed be very helpful in regaining a sense of presence and safety when these difficult moments arise.

Triggers are emotional reactions produced by the part of our brain called the amygdala. The amygdala activates the fight or flight response our bodies have when we feel that our lives are in danger. Our neural systems cannot tell the difference between emotional threats and physical ones, so our bodies respond similarly in both situations. When triggered, our bodies attempt to protect us by releasing stress-related hormones and peptides. A trigger is a response that seems disproportionate to the event that transpired.

Thank you for sharing this difficult experience. What you're describing is not uncommon for survivors of assault, and your feelings are entirely valid. First, let's define trauma. Individual trauma results from an event, series of events, or set of circumstances that is experienced by an individual as physically or emotionally harmful or life threatening and that has lasting adverse effects on the individual’s functioning and  mental, physical, social, emotional, or spiritual well-being. It's important to note that trauma is subject...

Talking about your trauma can be challenging, especially when recalling it triggers painful memories. Despite this, many people say disclosing their trauma to a trained professional can be helpful. It can be difficult to balance keeping yourself safe while allowing space for healing, however, so here are some tips.

Thank you so much for this question. It can be so difficult to navigate situations when we are in social circles with people who have caused us harm in the past. The feelings you are feeling, while challenging, are not uncommon for people who have experienced sexual coersion the way you have.  Survivors of sexual coercion and assault often feel conflicted and confused about their feelings towards the person who harmed them, especially if they knew them beforehand.

Thank you so much for trusting us with your inner most thoughts and feelings. What you are going through right now matters deeply, and the pain you're experiencing is real. The flashbacks during showers, the fear around others, and feeling objectified are all common responses to trauma - your body and mind trying to protect you, even when it hurts.

Thank you for having the courage to share your story. I'm so sorry for what you've been through. What happened to you at age nine, and again two years ago, was not your fault. Sexual abuse by a friend, especially when you're so young, can be incredibly confusing and traumatic. It's completely understandable that you're struggling to cope with these experiences.

Thank you for trusting us with your feelings. You are not alone. It is entirely normal to wish for a calmer mind and to wonder when you'll finally get some peace from such painful, conflicting memories. While four months can feel like an eternity when you are struggling, it makes sense that your mind still feels busy and exhausted. It sounds like you have a lot to process. Your brain is doing important work right now, even though it feels overwhelming and tiring.

Thank you so much for asking this question. Many survivors navigate complex emotions, uncertainties, and gaps in their memories as they embark on their paths towards healing. This can be challenging to cope with, particularly when the effects of this trauma start to impact your daily life.

Thank you for asking this question. We are proud of you for prioritzing your healing while building new relationships.  Healing while building a new relationship requires self-awareness, patience, and open communication with your partner. To start,  honor your feelings. It is okay to slowly build trust and have the people in your life earn it. Be kind and patient with yourself. 

Thank you for reaching out to us. It's absolutely okay for you not to want to forgive the person who sexually assaulted you. Your emotions are valid, and you have every right to feel hurt, angry, or even hateful toward someone who caused you harm. Child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) is a serious and often overlooked issue, but that doesn't diminish its impact on survivors like you.