When I was 8, my 9-year-old cousin convinced me that certain sexually inappropriate behaviors were normal between girls. I don't have many memories of the incidents, but I remember some parts clearly. Months later, she tried to get me to engage in these behaviors with our younger cousin, who was 4 or 5 at the time. Thankfully, our parents found out before anything more serious happened. Most of the family made jokes about the situation, but one aunt kindly explained to me why it was wrong and that children should never touch each other in those ways. The older cousin seems to be doing alright now, but I'm not entirely sure. The younger cousin appears normal on the outside, but she has been pressured to date and refuses. I don't know if this is related to what happened. I hope all three of us can heal from this experience, but I feel incredibly guilty. I keep worrying about what might have happened if our parents hadn't intervened or if something worse occurred that I can't remember. Am I both a victim and a perpetrator in this situation?

Thank you for sharing your story and reaching out for help. What you experienced was a complex and challenging situation, and it's understandable that you have mixed feelings and concerns.

First, it's important to recognize that as an 8-year-old child, you were not responsible for what happened. Your older cousin, who was also a child at the time, engaged in inappropriate behavior and convinced you to participate. While you may feel guilty about what transpired with your younger cousin, it's crucial to remember that you were also a victim in this situation, and the responsibility ultimately lies with the older cousin who initiated the inappropriate behavior.

It's common for survivors of childhood sexual abuse to have fragmented or incomplete memories of the events. This does not diminish the impact of your experiences or the validity of your feelings. The fact that your parents intervened before the situation escalated further is a positive thing, and it's essential to focus on healing from what you do remember rather than dwelling on what might have happened if they did not intervene.

Healing from childhood sexual trauma is a process that often requires social and professional support. You might consider reaching out to a therapist who specializes in working with survivors of childhood trauma. They can help you work through your feelings of guilt, process your experiences, and develop coping strategies. You might also consider reaching out to someone you trust to talk this through further and feel less alone. Remember that healing is possible, and you don't have to navigate this journey all by yourself. 

As for your cousins, it's difficult to know for certain how this experience has affected them without direct communication. However, it's essential to recognize that everyone processes trauma differently, and their path to healing may look different from yours. If you feel safe and comfortable, you might consider reaching out to them to express your support and willingness to listen if they ever need to talk.

In summary, please remember that you were a child in this situation and give yourself some grace. Focus on your own healing journey, and consider seeking support to help you process your experiences and emotions. Healing is possible, and you deserve to find peace and happiness. Thank you for reaching out to us.