#95

In my first week as a university student, I was raped by a course-mate in my campus bedroom. I was very tipsy when I met him at a student bar. We started kissing and I thought sex was what I wanted so I took him back to my room. I changed my mind a few minutes later, I felt stuck and was afraid that he would become aggressive. I did not consent and suddenly I was naked and he forced himself inside me. I remember him saying that I was so tight. I remember him tightly grabbing my boobs, pain coursing through my body. Every time he slammed into me, I just wanted to escape. Afterward, he clung on to me. I still to this day don't know where I found the strength within me but I managed to kick him out. I felt like an empty shell, I felt so ashamed and guilty, and I convinced myself it was my fault. I repressed this trauma, and if it somehow came up in conversation, I just talked about it as if it had been a normal one nightstand. Fast forward a few years, and over the course of therapy and addressing my trauma, I am finally processing and undoing all the feelings of harm, shame, and guilt. I am working towards self-compassion.