Bpd is killing me

Bpd is killing me. It's overwhelming really, feeling everything all the time all at once. Happy. Sad. Anxious. It's all the same. Each emotion plays it's part like any other person's except mine are on over drive. Anxiety doesn't know how to relax, angers continous boil overs, shames tears could fill a ocean and then there's hope sitting all by itself in the corner to afraid to show it's face waiting for a happy ending to appear Yet we never get past the first 10 chapters of life's book. Always. Reading. The. Same. Chapters. Wondering when it's our turn to see the day. It's in these moments of intensity that really keep my soul turning in its grave, yet hear I am. Still breathing, wondering when the day will come where I am allowed to live rather then just survive. But what are you suppose to do when it's you against yourself.?. I could do the obvious and cut the cord short. Yet guilt washes over me and my spiritual beliefs keep me away from that dark corner. So here I am. Sitting with myself wondering when is it my turn for the happy ending. Is their a actual future for me. ?. The people in my life feel more like strangers. Their tired of my episodes, their tired of my isolation. My crying fits of rage. My lack of trust my fear of being alone but not wanting anyone near me in these moments. Im just lost.. But how do you explain to another person that you're severely broken. You've already read the Bible up and down. You've already went to church, got baptized, you've already gotten sober but relapse is so close. Youve already been hurt by the world and the family that was suppose to keep you safe. and you're afraid. I'm afraid of being happy because it never lasts. Constantly my mind races, my relationships are shit and therapy no matter how much I try to pick apart my damage there is still so much left inside myself that I can't seem to let go of or move past. That's the thing that's so unfair is the fact my past has failed my future in so many diffrent areas. I feel so hopeless. And so broken. And I just wish I was normal. I never have felt this alone in a room full of so many diffrent people.