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Survivor story
Bpd is killing me
Original story
Bpd is killing me. It's overwhelming really, feeling everything all the time all at once. Happy. Sad. Anxious. It's all the same. Each emotion plays it's part like any other person's except mine are on over drive. Anxiety doesn't know how to relax, angers continous boil overs, shames tears could fill a ocean and then there's hope sitting all by itself in the corner to afraid to show it's face waiting for a happy ending to appear Yet we never get past the first 10 chapters of life's book. Always. Reading. The. Same. Chapters. Wondering when it's our turn to see the day. It's in these moments of intensity that really keep my soul turning in its grave, yet hear I am. Still breathing, wondering when the day will come where I am allowed to live rather then just survive. But what are you suppose to do when it's you against yourself.?. I could do the obvious and cut the cord short. Yet guilt washes over me and my spiritual beliefs keep me away from that dark corner. So here I am. Sitting with myself wondering when is it my turn for the happy ending. Is their a actual future for me. ?. The people in my life feel more like strangers. Their tired of my episodes, their tired of my isolation. My crying fits of rage. My lack of trust my fear of being alone but not wanting anyone near me in these moments. Im just lost.. But how do you explain to another person that you're severely broken. You've already read the Bible up and down. You've already went to church, got baptized, you've already gotten sober but relapse is so close. Youve already been hurt by the world and the family that was suppose to keep you safe. and you're afraid. I'm afraid of being happy because it never lasts. Constantly my mind races, my relationships are shit and therapy no matter how much I try to pick apart my damage there is still so much left inside myself that I can't seem to let go of or move past. That's the thing that's so unfair is the fact my past has failed my future in so many diffrent areas. I feel so hopeless. And so broken. And I just wish I was normal. I never have felt this alone in a room full of so many diffrent people.
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Grounding activity
Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:
5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)
4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)
3 – things you can hear
2 – things you can smell
1 – thing you like about yourself.
Take a deep breath to end.
From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.
Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).
Take a deep breath to end.
Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:
1. Where am I?
2. What day of the week is today?
3. What is today’s date?
4. What is the current month?
5. What is the current year?
6. How old am I?
7. What season is it?
Take a deep breath to end.
Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.
Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.
Take a deep breath to end.
Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.
Take a deep breath to end.