I'm struggling with a confusing and painful experience from when I was 14/15 with my cousin. After exposure to explicit content since 13/14, I suggested something inappropriate. The first time, I stopped it because it felt wrong and walked away. But there was a second time, after watching something together, where I suggested it again. Though I initiated it, things quickly became more serious than I expected - what I thought would just be touching escalated to them removing clothes and attempting penetration. I completely froze, just staring at the wall, until they guided my hands to touch them. It was like suddenly coming back to awareness. Everything changed after that - my behavior worsened, I started compulsively viewing more concerning content, and I began rejecting this cousin and feeling uncomfortable around male family members. My room (where it happened) felt contaminated. I remember throwing out their things and crying when my mom confronted me. I'm trying to understand...was I responsible since I initiated it? How can I make sense of suggesting something I didn't actually want? If I said no once, why did I suggest it again? Is this COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) or just an uncomfortable experience? How do you know the difference between uncomfortable and harmful?

Thank you so much for reaching out to us. I know it is challenging making sense of this complex and painful experience. I want you to know that the confusion you're feeling is a completely natural response to a traumatic situation. The freezing, the feeling of your room being contaminated, the changes in your behavior around male family members - these are all recognized trauma responses, not signs of guilt or responsibility.

When we're young, especially in our early teens, we're still learning about ourselves and boundaries. Early exposure to explicit content can expose us to ideas and situations we're not yet ready to process, leading to confusion and mixed feelings. I understand how confusing it feels to have initiated something and then feel unable to stop it once it escalated. But here's what's important to understand: consent isn't a one-time thing, and it can be withdrawn at any moment. When the situation moved beyond what you expected into something more serious, your body responded with what we call a "freeze response" - that moment of staring at the wall, feeling disconnected. This is actually a very common protective response when our bodies sense we're in danger, even if our minds haven't caught up yet.

Your reactions afterward - the compulsive viewing of concerning content, the rejection of your cousin, the feeling of contamination in your room - these are all recognized responses to sexual trauma, and yes, this experience does sound like it could fall under the umbrella of COCSA. But please understand: initiating something doesn't mean you fully understood or wanted the outcome, and it's okay to change your mind or feel differently afterward. Be gentle with yourself - you were navigating complex emotions and situations without the necessary knowledge or support.

I strongly encourage you to consider speaking with a trauma-informed therapist who can provide a safe space for you to explore these feelings and help you process these experiences. You don't have to carry this confusion alone, and healing is possible. What happened wasn't your fault, and you deserve support in working through it. Thank you so much for trusting us with this. You are not alone.