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How do I deal with family members who do not take my traumatic history seriously?
Answer by Dr. Laura
PhD Mental Health Nurse & Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner
It can be incredibly upsetting and frustrating to deal with people who don’t take your traμma seriously, particularly when those people are your own family. People often misunderstand what traμma actually is and the different ways it can affect someone.
A common and persistent stereotype is the belief that post-traμmatic stress disorder (PTSD) and related symptoms only occur in war veterans, and that survivors of viφlence or abμse don’t get PTSD. This isn’t true. Any traμmatic experience can have serious psychological effects.
You might encounter people who don’t believe you, who belittle your experiences, or who refuse to acknowledge the psychological impact traμma has had on you. Remember that your traμma is real and your feelings are valid regardless of what other people think or say.
It can be exhausting (and often unattainable) to change the minds of those who choose not to take your traμma seriously. It can feel isolating to be misunderstood in this way and to not receive the support you deserve.
Regardless of the reasoning behind your family member not taking your traμma seriously, you might consider talking to them about how this makes you feel. Depending on your relationship and comfort level, a conversation might (or might not) be the right approach.
Talking to the family member can help them better understand your traμma and how it affects you. It can be an opportunity to express your needs and goals for your recovery. You may also learn about their own personal traumas which may be interfering with them giving your experiences the attention they deserve.
Sometimes difficult conversations don’t go the way you intend. It is brave and admirable to advocate for yourself, regardless of the outcome. If your family member chooses not to be understanding, that is not a reflection of you. You may need to look outside of your family network to find reliable support.
When a family member belittles your traμma, it can be hard to not internalize it and take it to heart. What you are asking for is a reasonable and valid request. You deserve to be heard, and you deserve to be supported in the ways that you need.
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Grounding activity
Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:
5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)
4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)
3 – things you can hear
2 – things you can smell
1 – thing you like about yourself.
Take a deep breath to end.
From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.
Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).
Take a deep breath to end.
Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:
1. Where am I?
2. What day of the week is today?
3. What is today’s date?
4. What is the current month?
5. What is the current year?
6. How old am I?
7. What season is it?
Take a deep breath to end.
Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.
Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.
Take a deep breath to end.
Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.
Take a deep breath to end.