When I was between ages 5-8, I would ask my older cousin (who was 10-14 at the time) to accompany me to a bathroom that had a couch in it. I have memories of sitting on him or hugging him from the side, and saying things like 'did you miss me.' I'm not sure if this was play or something else, as I didn't recognize it as potentially inappropriate until reflecting on it years later. I'm trying to understand if this would be considered problematic sexual behavior between siblings/cousins (COCSA) given our age difference. What steps can I take to process this memory?

Thank you for sharing this memory and seeking understanding about it. While only you can label your experiences, let me offer some perspective that might help you process this.

From what you've described, it seems you were a young child (5-8) seeking attention or companionship from an older cousin in a way that made sense to your young mind at the time. Children often don't have a clear understanding of private spaces or appropriate physical boundaries, and might seek physical closeness or attention in ways that they later question as adults. The fact that you initiated these interactions by asking your cousin to accompany you suggests you felt safe with them, and while the location (bathroom) was private, your description doesn't indicate your cousin initiated or encouraged inappropriate behavior.

It's completely normal to look back on childhood memories and question them through an adult lens. However, it's important to remember that children often act in ways that make perfect sense to their limited understanding of the world, even if those same actions might seem concerning when we recall them years later. From what you've shared, this appears to have been childhood behavior without sexual intent - sitting on or hugging a family member, seeking attention and expressing affection, albeit in a private setting that your adult self now questions.

If you're finding these memories troubling or want to better understand them, speaking with a trauma-informed therapist can be helpful. They can provide a safe space to explore these memories and their impact on you without imposing any particular interpretation or label. Remember to be gentle with yourself as you process these childhood experiences - you were a young child who didn't yet understand complex social boundaries.

Your feelings about these memories - whatever they may be - are valid, and seeking understanding is a healthy part of processing childhood experiences. Thank you for asking us this. We hoped this helped at least a little in moving you forward in your processing and understanding of this memory.