Question

When I was 10-11, a child I'd known for a long time and I began consensually kissing. However, it escalated when they repeatedly pressured me to undress despite my multiple refusals. Though I eventually gave in and they only looked at me and made uncomfortable comments about my body without physical contact, the memory still bothers me. I'm embarrassed I went along with it and unsure if this counts as harmful since there was no touching and I technically agreed in the end. Is this child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)? Can you help me understand this experience?

Answer

Thank you for sharing this difficult experience with us. While only you can label what happened to you, I am happy to provide my perspective and some information to help you in your processing. It takes courage to reflect on and seek understanding about such personal and difficult memories. 

Child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) typically refers to sexual activities between children that are not appropriate for their age or developmental stage, especially when there is an element of coercion, manipulation, or a significant power imbalance. Some factors that can help distinguish COCSA from normal childhood curiosity and exploration include:

1. Age or Developmental Differences--A significant age gap or difference in maturity between the children involved.
2. Coercion or Pressure--One child pressuring or forcing another child to engage in sexual activities against their will.
3. Non-Consensual Behavior--One child feeling uncomfortable, scared, or unwilling to participate but feeling unable to refuse.
4. Secrecy and Shame--Being told to keep the activity a secret or feeling ashamed about what happened.

In your situation, while the initial kissing was mutually consensual, it escalated to a point where you felt uncomfortable. You told the other person "no" multiple times when they asked you to undress, but they kept pushing until you eventually gave in. This indicates that there was pressure and coercion involved. The fact that you felt uncomfortable with their comments about your body also suggests that your boundaries were crossed.

It's important to recognize that even if there was no physical contact beyond looking, the pressure you experienced and the violation of your boundaries can still have a significant impact. Feeling embarrassed or upset about going along with it is a normal reaction, and it's not uncommon to have these feelings years later.

Remember, you were very young at the time, and it's not your fault that you were pressured into doing something you weren't comfortable with. Children often struggle to assert their boundaries, especially when faced with persistent pressure from peers.

Only you can decide how to interpret and label your experience. What's most important is how it has affected you and how you feel about it now. If this memory is causing you distress or impacting your wellbeing, it might be helpful to talk to a mental health professional who can provide support and guidance as you process these feelings. They can offer a safe space to explore your emotions and help you understand how this experience may have impacted you.

Remember, your feelings are valid, and you deserve support as you navigate them. You're not alone in this, and reaching out is a positive step toward healing. Be kind to yourself as you work through these memories. Thank you again for sharing your story with us. We appreciate you reaching out.