I'm trying to understand my childhood experiences. When I was very young, an older man had me sit on his lap during a game and became aroused - I only have fragments of memory about this. My female cousin and I engaged in sexual activities when we were young. I had mixed feelings - sometimes feeling pleasure but also hating it. I would pretend to be asleep to avoid being touched. We would shower together, and she would touch me and ask me to touch her. Though I began rejecting this, she insisted it was normal. Now as an adult, I sometimes find myself craving touch from her despite the negative feelings I had then. Are these experiences considered abuse? What is wrong with me? Am I just weird?

Thank you for reaching out to us and sharing your story. Having fragmented memories of childhood experiences is very common, especially concerning unsettling events. The incident with the older man was clearly inappropriate - adults should never put children in sexual situations or use them for arousal.

Your experiences with your cousin contain several concerning elements: you tried to avoid the contact by pretending to sleep, you felt negative feelings about it, and you tried to reject it but were told it was normal. When one person has to avoid or reject sexual contact while the other insists it continue, this indicates the interaction has moved beyond mutual exploration into unwanted territory.

The conflicting feelings you're experiencing now - craving touch from someone who crossed your boundaries - is a common and normal response. Our bodies and minds can develop complex associations between touch, pleasure, and early sexual experiences, even when those experiences were unwanted or confusing. This doesn't mean you wanted the childhood experiences or that they were okay - it's simply how our brains sometimes process early sexual encounters.

Many people have similar mixed feelings about early sexual experiences: simultaneously experiencing physical pleasure while feeling emotionally distressed or unwanting. These contradictory feelings can carry into adulthood and influence our relationships with touch and intimacy.

If you're finding these memories and feelings difficult to process, many people find it helpful to work with a counselor who specializes in early sexual experiences. They can help you understand your responses and develop a healthier relationship with touch and intimacy.

Remember that your feelings - both past and present - are valid, and experiencing complicated or contradictory emotions about past experiences is normal. You're not weird or wrong for having these feelings and we appreciate you sharing them. Thank you for reaching out to us. You are not alone.