Question

I'm grateful this page is here. I'm processing experiences from my childhood that I now recognize as COCSA. At age 11, a 12-year-old friend introduced me to pornography and sexual content online, which led to sexual activity between us. While I initially saw myself as the victim since I hadn't been exposed to this content before, I realize they may have been a victim too, perhaps exposed inappropriately themselves. What terrifies me now is the possibility that I might have been the perpetrator, or that they see me that way. After experiencing victimization in other ways, the thought that I might have caused someone harm is frightening. How do I understand who was the victim or perpetrator in this situation? How do I process these complex feelings?

Answer

Thank you for sharing something so personal and complex. I'm glad you've found this space helpful, and your gratitude reminds me how important it is to have safe places to explore these difficult questions. The confusion and fear you're expressing about your role in what happened is something many survivors of childhood sexual experiences struggle with, especially when both children involved were close in age.

Let me help you understand why these experiences can feel so confusing. When sexual activity occurs between children who are close in age (in your case, 11 and 12), we often can't clearly identify a "perpetrator" and "victim" in the way we might with adult-child abuse. Both children are in developmental stages where they can't fully understand or consent to sexual activities, even if they appear to agree or participate. This means both children can be simultaneously impacted by the experience.

Your insight about recognizing that your friend may have been introduced to this content through their own experiences of abuse or inappropriate exposure shows remarkable empathy and understanding. You're mentioning something important - harmful sexual behaviors in children often stem from their own exposure or experiences. This doesn't excuse harmful actions, but it helps explain why these situations are more complex than adult-perpetrated abuse.

The fear you're expressing about potentially being a perpetrator often comes up for survivors trying to make sense of childhood sexual experiences. This fear can be particularly intense for people who have experienced other forms of victimization, as you mention. The thought of potentially causing the same kind of harm you've experienced can feel overwhelming. However, it's important to understand that two children engaging in sexual activity, while concerning and potentially harmful to both, is fundamentally different from an adult deliberately exploiting a child.

What we know about COCSA situations is that often both children are operating without full understanding or the capacity to truly consent, even if one child initiated the exposure or activities. The introduction of pornography and sexual content at age 11-12 suggests both you and your friend were exposed to material beyond your developmental capacity to process. Both of you were children who deserved protection and guidance from adults.

Processing these complex feelings can be challenging, but you don't have to do it on your own. Consider reaching out to a mental health professional who is experienced in working with individuals who have had similar experiences. A therapist can provide a safe, non-judgmental space for you to explore your feelings, understand the impact of what happened, and help you find a path toward healing.

The fact that you're reflecting on this and seeking help shows a great deal of strength and self-awareness. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate this process. You deserve support in processing these complex feelings and finding peace with your past. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone.